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Biscayne: Tonight on
"Newsreaders," is VHS the new

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vinyl? This guy who went to Oberlin two

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years ago thinks so.
And humorist Jim Davidson will

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be here with some of his musings.

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Can someone please explain
to me what the point of

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chopsticks are? [Chuckles]

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I mean, other than eating food
in a Chinese restaurant, I don't

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- see the point.
- Biscayne: All that and more

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tonight... on "Newsreaders."

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Newsreaders - 02x10
Band Names - R-Us

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Newsreaders - 02x10
Put Me in Coach

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First, tonight, what's in a name?

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Everything, if you're trying to
make it in rockin' and rollin'.

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- Clavis Kim has more.
- "Ferocious baby."

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- What?!
- That's good.

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Wisdom and Oz foss are
CO-C.E.O.S of a startup called

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"Band Names-R-Us."
The name of the company says it

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all. "Us," being these guys, "R"

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paid to name rock bands.

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It's the greatest music-business
success story since the

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Rolling Stones sent their
holograms out on tour, and

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it all began right here.
[Door squeaking]

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They were just a couple of kids
from Akron, Ohio, with little

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musical talent and big
rock-'n'-roll dreams.

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Beginning in Junior High, they
played in awful bands with

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fantastic names, names like
Part Eagle, Full of Radios, and

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- Cynical Best.
- We had a lot of great band

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names, so we got booked a ton.
And then when we would play the

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music at the show, everybody would leave.

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They have no innate musical
abilities, yet they are being

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called the Lennon and McCartney
of something else.

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- Coming up with band names.
- How long does it take you

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guys to come up with a really
good band name?

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- A second, maybe less.
- I mean, probably less.

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Okay, come up with one right now.

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All right. Hello menu, Two-piece Game,

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- Complicated Radar...
- Complicated Radar.

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Uh, Hotel Cleaner of the
Nameless Cunning...

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- Whew.
- ...Captain Bogus.

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[Chuckling] That's awesome. Oz?

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Right. Right. Um, well, slap me some five.

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- That would be good.
- Uh, Suffocate Since Pluto,

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- Response of the Wonder.
- Leftleaning Bass.

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Antler... lamp? Antler... Antler Lamps.

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- Um...
- Ark of the Dogs.

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- Ark of the Dogs!
- You know, Hammers, Garage

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- Hammers.
- I mean, I like some of that.

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I like "Meat," and I like
"Muffin," but not together.

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The secret to their success
has not just been about what

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- they can do.
- Just for one second, look.

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- That's a dog.
- It has also been about who

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- they know.
- Well, we grew up with the

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- guys in the Black Keys.
- Really?

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You know they used to be
called the Pearly White

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- Tinklers?
- Yeah, which I liked,

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- actually.
- You know, and then we gave

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them the name the Black Keys,
and then... bam... double

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- platinum.
- Wisdom and Oz ended up in

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that conference room because
they attracted the attention of

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- investor Aric Bevin Gully.
- I like their sound.

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Their sound?

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Yeah, the sound of the band
names that were coming out of

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their mouths.

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So, you like their band names.

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- Yes.
- With an investment from

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Gully, Band Names-R-Us was born.
Wisdom is a genius.

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- I mean...
- Yeah.

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Nobody pairs random words
and glottal stops like Wisdom.

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Oz... he, uh... he has a van,
and he gets Wisdom to work on

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time, but he sucks at name-coming-up-with.

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So, did he come up with the
name Band Names-R-Us?

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- No. I did.
- Oh.

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- It's a good-sized brand.
- It's real creative, yeah.

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Within a year, Band Names-R-Us
had rocketed to the top of the

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dow stock charts and Billboard's
top band-naming companies

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- exchange.
- We got three supergroups, a

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danish power trio, and a
biracial ingenue chanteuse from

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Ottawa that we need to name by 11:00.

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Barely Hiatus, Helicopter Award, and

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- Camp Robot.
- I love it. Oz?

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- Camp Row... Boat.
- How about Brand Grenade,

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15 of the wrecking, or Plow Riot?

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Big table and the... and
the... everyone is... uh,

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- and the carpet.
- But as with all televised

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stories about musicians,
something came between these

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- bandmates.
- Conference friends eat...

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It just didn't seem like Oz was able to...

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- He sucked.
- Uh...

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- He was terrible.
- He, uh...

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He was your Yoko Ono.
Wow, "Your Yoko" is a great

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name for a band. [Chuckles]

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- Really?
- Yeah.

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- [Chuckles]
- But, yes, he was my

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- Yoko Ono.
- And that wasn't lost on

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Aric Bevin Gully.
He recently fired Oz and the

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other two band members, leaving
only Wisdom.

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And he decided to pick up the
slack himself.

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You think Lesbo Salami is taken?

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- I seriously doubt it.
- Cool! I'm on a roll.

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Oh, uh, Intergalactic Homo Sapien!

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No! You're right. It's got "homo" in it.

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Down Spindrome... for a drum band.

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That's great. Great work, man.

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Works for a jam band, too. Uh...

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- I miss my brother.
- Miss My Brother?

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Sounds kind of gay.
I like Mister Mister, though.

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You're a reminder of what's
become of my life.

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Ooh. Life Toilet!

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So, what have you been doing
while your brother is at work?

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- Hitting Rock Bottom?
- No, actually.

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We... we renamed the band, and
we got a record contract.

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[Chuckles]
Ever since my brother left the

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band, actually, everything sort
of just fell into place.

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So, he was the crappy
musician who was holding you

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- back.
- Yes. You get it.

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Oh, God, that's why we named the
band after you.

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- You named the band after me?
- Oh, yeah.

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- Wh-what's this band called?
- Asian Question Asker.

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Biscayne: Football, or, as
the Spanish call it,

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<i>fútbol americano.</i>
It used to be a game of brute

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force, but thanks to one coach,
football is now a game of

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numbers. Sadee Deenus has<i> más.</i>

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I want these lines converging, okay?

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Coach Phil Tyler of the
Kansas City Missourihawks is

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bringing the computer revolution
to the football field.

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Baseball has historically
been thought of the game of

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- statistics.
- Mm-hmm.

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I'd like to turn football
into as mind-numbingly boring a

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sport as baseball, as far as analyzing it.

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To watch it, it'll still be
exciting, but to think about it,

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it should start to get annoying
and frustrating.

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But nobody seems frustrated
with the coach's results.

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Clark jabs has been covering
coach Tyler since Tyler was an

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offensive coordinator with the
tampa bay Floridacats.

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It's a formula for success.
It's a mathematical equation

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that coach Tyler has broken down
on, I-I want to say, the

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microbial level.

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I don't want to say subatomic
'cause that's... you know,

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everyone says that.
But I want to say on a microbial

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- level.
- So, coach Tyler has really

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- figured out something new.
- Oh, absolutely.

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Some of the stuff he's doing is
beyond revolutionary.

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He's in the showers giving notes
all the time.

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- Mm-hmm.
- He's assembling a team, a

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team full of hard bodies that he
wants to mold and touch.

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Well, hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

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While his strategic approach
on the field has won him many

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fans, off the field, he has been
criticized for being cold,

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robotic, and belichick-y.
But coach Tyler's players tell a

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different story.
Defensive end Deandre Kuiper has

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won three championship rings
with the Missourihawks.

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He promotes a culture of
winning, using computer numbers

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to show me different ways to
look at defense, the way we

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practice to the sleepovers at
his house to taking naked

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polaroids of me.

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- And the computers?
- [Scoffs]

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That's just a bunch of ones and
zeros to me, man.

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Zero... that's about how
much I understand.

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Missourihawks owner
mayhew ketchup surely believes

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in Tyler's greatness.
He $26 million believes because

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that's what he's paying him.

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Coach Tyler has been a
game-changer for us.

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The players respect him, but
they also know they can have

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tickle parties one-on-one with
him anytime.

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And what do you say to the
critics who think coach Tyler's

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analytical approach comes off as
aloof and antisocial?

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Well, I can see how he'd have
that reputation, from his

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postgame interviews and his
reliance on software, but around

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here he's just another guy
trying to win games, you know,

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- cornholing you in the shower.
- His players... they want to

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win. They want to snuggle, maybe kiss

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for a long time. They come to play.

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Off the field, coach Tyler's
house is sparse and bare-boned.

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Just like at work, there are
very few distractions.

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I guess I just never got
around to decorating too much.

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I got my computer room.
I got a pretty good snuggle cave

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for when the guys come over.
I got that toaster I've never

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used. I eat most of my meals over at

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- the stadium.
- I would love to see the

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- computer room.
- Oh, let me show you.

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It's right over here by the lube closet.

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- Great.
- Boom, boom, boom, no-huddle.

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- Down!
- But with success come the

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inevitable imitators.
A lot of coaches now are

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adopting his techniques... the
formulas, the algorithms, the

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spooning. The turnaround, the nakedness,

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the sliding?
That is stuff that people have

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not even begun to scratch the surface of.

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Coach Tyler tunes all this
talk out, keeping a laser-like

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focus on what got him where he is today.

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I'm not concerned with other teams.

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They may have the same computers
as me, but they don't push the

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- same buttons.
- So, you're not worried.

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I want to win. I'm always worried.

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That's why we hug each other in
duvet forts, you know?

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- That's why we play the game.
- Biscayne: Next week on

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"Newsreaders," David Hasselhoff
tells us about his explosive

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reunion with "Baywatch" costar
Pamela Anderson.

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We met at this really fancy
vegan place that Pammy picked

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- out.
- Biscayne: Of course.

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And when we get there, the
"valet" is charging $12 for

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parking. And he's parking the car like

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three feet away.
And I'm saying, "why don't you

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just have your own parking lot,
and I'll park the car myself?"

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Biscayne: Too bad that kitt wasn't there.

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00:10:03,814 --> 00:10:05,948
He could have dropped you off, right?

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- What?
- Biscayne: Kitt.

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Oh, yeah. Yeah, right.

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But, anyway, you know what I did?

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- Biscayne: What?
- I drove my car down to the

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au bon pain, which is just down
the street about a block away,

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where it says "customer parking only."

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- Biscayne: Okay.
- And I bought a cup of coffee

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- and a muffin...
- Biscayne: [Laughs]

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Left my car there, and
walked back to the restaurant,

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- had lunch with Pammy.
- Biscayne: That's smart.

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Yeah, it's really smart, you know?

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I mean, it only cost me 3 bucks
for the coffee and the muffin,

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and I wasn't about to pay
12 bucks to that frickin' valet.

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I mean, come on.
What kind of monster charges

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that kind of money for parking?
That's ridiculous!

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Biscayne: So, what happened
with the lunch?

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00:10:37,914 --> 00:10:39,949
Oh! Well, Pammy and I...

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Are friends on Facebook, so we
didn't really have that much to

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- catch up on.
- Biscayne: I'm

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Reagan Biscayne. Good night.