1
00:00:02,258 --> 00:00:05,953
So, gentlemen, you have evidence that
the Newport land should be preserved.
2
00:00:05,969 --> 00:00:07,581
Absolutely.
3
00:00:07,606 --> 00:00:11,967
You see, I'm a ninth level Octopriest
in the Church of the Reasonableists.
4
00:00:11,982 --> 00:00:15,529
- Oh, boy. - The land is
sacred in our religion.
5
00:00:15,544 --> 00:00:18,721
Because it's the place where all
human souls will be transmuted
6
00:00:18,741 --> 00:00:22,218
when Zorpe the Lizard God passes
through Jupiter's sphincter.
7
00:00:23,121 --> 00:00:24,721
- Hail, Zorpe.
- Hail, Zorpe!
8
00:00:24,746 --> 00:00:27,387
I'm looking for anything
to strengthen my case
9
00:00:27,403 --> 00:00:31,059
that the Newport land should become
a park, and not a corpate campus.
10
00:00:31,084 --> 00:00:34,821
Religious reasons, animal conservation,
historical significance.
11
00:00:34,846 --> 00:00:38,097
Anything. So hold on
to your straws, everybody.
12
00:00:38,107 --> 00:00:40,089
'Cause Mama's going graspin'.
13
00:00:40,501 --> 00:00:44,236
In 1980, there were more
than 600 million
14
00:00:44,261 --> 00:00:47,011
Indiana brown ants
in that forest.
15
00:00:47,026 --> 00:00:51,333
Today, there are only
595 million.
16
00:00:51,358 --> 00:00:55,444
At that rate, they'll all be
gone by the year 2030.
17
00:00:55,459 --> 00:00:58,686
- 60.
- 200 and 3,060?
18
00:00:58,701 --> 00:01:01,045
- 200,000 years from now?
- Yes.
19
00:01:01,068 --> 00:01:03,183
That doesn't seem like
an immediate crisis.
20
00:01:03,208 --> 00:01:05,232
I got a different idea
for that land.
21
00:01:05,257 --> 00:01:10,179
An amusement park with rides and food
and sexy cartoon characters.
22
00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:13,431
- I call it Disneyland.
- How did you get in here?
23
00:01:13,454 --> 00:01:15,014
Broke a window.
24
00:01:27,723 --> 00:01:35,723
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
25
00:01:36,540 --> 00:01:38,149
Oh, hey, guys.
Come on in.
26
00:01:38,172 --> 00:01:42,966
You guys, I am Roscoe. I am Vice President
of Cool New Shizz here at Gryzzl.
27
00:01:42,973 --> 00:01:46,637
Feel free in this meeting to break
out your vapes and just kick back.
28
00:01:46,645 --> 00:01:47,965
Now, peep this.
29
00:01:47,989 --> 00:01:49,950
Leslie Knope has been
meeting with people
30
00:01:49,965 --> 00:01:52,077
to try to sexy-up
her presentation.
31
00:01:52,084 --> 00:01:54,474
So we had this far-out
brain tornado.
32
00:01:54,499 --> 00:01:55,436
Good idea.
33
00:01:55,459 --> 00:01:58,470
We should get a brity to come
kick it with us small time,
34
00:01:58,495 --> 00:02:01,227
and then just be like, "Hey, chumps.
Let's get tight with Gryzz."
35
00:02:01,242 --> 00:02:04,779
We need a celebrity. As a minority
owner, it'll strengthen Gryzzl's bid.
36
00:02:04,794 --> 00:02:09,291
Is a celebrity necessary?
I prefer quality over flash.
37
00:02:09,316 --> 00:02:12,085
That's why I refuse to write
my signature in cursive.
38
00:02:12,097 --> 00:02:14,340
Celebrities can help
with this kind of thing.
39
00:02:14,347 --> 00:02:16,599
The Nets wouldn't be in Brooklyn
if it weren't for Jay-Z.
40
00:02:16,615 --> 00:02:20,091
And the sales for Chick-fil-A went through
the roof once Elton John bought 'em.
41
00:02:20,107 --> 00:02:22,896
Exactly. Gryzzl is
an outsider here in Pawnee,
42
00:02:22,911 --> 00:02:26,599
so a local celebrity is gonna make
everyone feel more at ease with us.
43
00:02:26,614 --> 00:02:29,982
And that's why we called on you home
court chillers to frack your braniums.
44
00:02:29,989 --> 00:02:32,883
Since we're locals, they want
us to think of ideas.
45
00:02:32,890 --> 00:02:35,115
- I got it in context.
- Okay.
46
00:02:35,140 --> 00:02:38,788
I have no interest in
consorting with celebrities.
47
00:02:38,796 --> 00:02:41,531
The only celebrities I recognize
are furniture maker
48
00:02:41,553 --> 00:02:44,334
Garry Knox Bennett,
designer of the notorious
49
00:02:44,349 --> 00:02:47,549
16 Penny Nail Cabinet,
and Magnus,
50
00:02:47,574 --> 00:02:51,207
the five-by-five bull elk I saw
near my cabin two years ago.
51
00:02:51,222 --> 00:02:53,502
Took a shot at the bastard
52
00:02:53,527 --> 00:02:56,480
and he stuck his antlers through
the door of my meat shed.
53
00:02:56,503 --> 00:03:00,005
One day, Magnus.
I will wear you as a jacket.
54
00:03:00,511 --> 00:03:04,410
Have you thought about this.
You could be an airline pilot.
55
00:03:04,425 --> 00:03:07,840
- I don't like heights.
- What about a submarine pilot?
56
00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:10,175
- I don't like depths.
- Mm.
57
00:03:10,198 --> 00:03:11,683
I don't like anything, okay.
58
00:03:11,699 --> 00:03:13,884
You're not gonna be able to find
a career for me, so just give up.
59
00:03:13,896 --> 00:03:15,904
No way, babe.
We can do this.
60
00:03:15,919 --> 00:03:17,286
Let's play a game. Okay?
61
00:03:17,306 --> 00:03:20,119
You say a word, I say a word.
We see if it makes a profession.
62
00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:22,596
- Executive.
- Trampoline.
63
00:03:22,621 --> 00:03:24,610
- Computer.
- Trampoline.
64
00:03:25,216 --> 00:03:27,841
- Trampoline.
- Pass.
65
00:03:27,865 --> 00:03:32,160
Hey, Leslie? I need both you and Ron
to sign this city point of sale document
66
00:03:32,175 --> 00:03:34,842
since the land you're gunning
for lies within city limits.
67
00:03:34,865 --> 00:03:36,904
Can we run over to Ron's office
and take care of this?
68
00:03:36,919 --> 00:03:39,224
Well, I love it when you
talk point of sale doc,
69
00:03:39,231 --> 00:03:41,325
'cause you know it turns
me on, but, no, no.
70
00:03:41,342 --> 00:03:44,166
There's no way that I will be in
the same room with Ron Swanson,
71
00:03:44,191 --> 00:03:46,277
unless it is during
a police lineup
72
00:03:46,302 --> 00:03:48,763
when I am pointing him out
as the man who betrayed me.
73
00:03:48,787 --> 00:03:51,154
That's him, officer.
Ronald Swanson.
74
00:03:51,177 --> 00:03:53,674
Thank you, Leslie. That's the fifth
crime you've solved this month.
75
00:03:53,689 --> 00:03:55,590
I'm not supposed to do this,
but let me give you a badge
76
00:03:55,606 --> 00:03:58,770
- and a siren for your car. - Could you
please focus? It'll take two minutes.
77
00:03:58,785 --> 00:04:00,865
And all signatures
need to be notarized,
78
00:04:00,890 --> 00:04:04,523
and I really don't want to have to schedule
two different notary appointments.
79
00:04:04,530 --> 00:04:08,460
Uh, not to eavesdrop,
but I have a crazy story.
80
00:04:08,468 --> 00:04:10,359
I recently had a bit
of a health scare,
81
00:04:10,366 --> 00:04:11,648
just a couple weeks
in the hospital.
82
00:04:11,663 --> 00:04:14,476
Oh, God. This
story's terrible so far.
83
00:04:14,492 --> 00:04:16,593
Anyway, I became really
motivated once I got out
84
00:04:16,612 --> 00:04:18,980
to finally live life
to the fullest.
85
00:04:19,551 --> 00:04:22,727
So... I fulfilled one of
my lifelong dreams.
86
00:04:23,408 --> 00:04:25,635
And I became
a notary public.
87
00:04:25,658 --> 00:04:28,838
So if I go with you, Ron and Leslie
can sign the document separately.
88
00:04:28,861 --> 00:04:30,834
Yeah, see?
Ben, it all works out.
89
00:04:30,849 --> 00:04:34,127
I'll sign the documents here
and then you can bring it to Ron
90
00:04:34,143 --> 00:04:37,259
and he can sign it there, and then
you can tell Ron to rot in hell.
91
00:04:37,274 --> 00:04:39,380
How long are you two
gonna go on like this?
92
00:04:39,395 --> 00:04:42,497
- You're acting like a little kid.
- No, I'm not.
93
00:04:42,512 --> 00:04:44,772
And infinity plus one year.
94
00:04:44,788 --> 00:04:46,703
Andy? Bring me
the next person.
95
00:04:47,522 --> 00:04:50,492
Perd Hapley.
Crazy Ira and the Douche.
96
00:04:51,485 --> 00:04:52,532
Tom Haverford?
97
00:04:52,547 --> 00:04:55,360
That's nice, but I don't know if you
can really consider me a celebrity.
98
00:04:55,375 --> 00:04:56,531
Yeah, that's your
handwriting.
99
00:04:56,554 --> 00:04:57,752
These are all
great options,
100
00:04:57,777 --> 00:05:01,488
but I think we need to go
after Pawnee's biggest fish--
101
00:05:01,507 --> 00:05:02,858
Annabel Porter
from Bloosh.
102
00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:04,713
That horrifying
lifestyle newsletter
103
00:05:04,728 --> 00:05:07,893
filled with vegan recipes
and pointless tchotchkes?
104
00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:10,244
Forget it. That woman
is my nightmare.
105
00:05:10,259 --> 00:05:13,197
Um, she's a big deal, Ron.
106
00:05:13,205 --> 00:05:18,023
Bloosh just won the Pulitzer Prize for
Best Top Ten Listicle two years in a row.
107
00:05:18,618 --> 00:05:19,763
Hi, Leslie.
108
00:05:19,788 --> 00:05:22,440
Bill Haggerty from the Pawnee
Historical Society.
109
00:05:22,456 --> 00:05:24,839
Oh, yes, Bill.
I remember you.
110
00:05:24,854 --> 00:05:27,331
I heard you were looking for
information on the Newport land,
111
00:05:27,347 --> 00:05:30,237
and I have some very
exciting news for you.
112
00:05:30,244 --> 00:05:33,101
It concerns William
Henry Harrison.
113
00:05:33,702 --> 00:05:36,030
We claim William Henry
Harrison as a hero
114
00:05:36,053 --> 00:05:38,569
because he was the first governor
of the Indiana territories,
115
00:05:38,584 --> 00:05:40,772
and then President
of the United States.
116
00:05:40,779 --> 00:05:42,282
We're also a little
ashamed of him
117
00:05:42,307 --> 00:05:45,127
because he didn't wear a coat
at his inauguration,
118
00:05:45,142 --> 00:05:48,221
caught a bad cold
and died 32 days later.
119
00:05:48,236 --> 00:05:49,903
He's an embarrassing footnote.
120
00:05:49,922 --> 00:05:52,424
But he's our embarrassing
footnote.
121
00:05:52,434 --> 00:05:56,582
I've recently self-Published
a biography about Harrison entitled,
122
00:05:56,605 --> 00:05:58,572
Barely A President.
123
00:05:58,587 --> 00:06:02,158
William Henry Harrison's
32 Days In The White House."
124
00:06:02,173 --> 00:06:06,611
I discovered that Harrison had
a heretofore unknown hunting lodge
125
00:06:06,627 --> 00:06:09,295
on the very land you're
trying to acquire.
126
00:06:09,314 --> 00:06:12,712
Um, spoilers much?
Now I'll never read that book.
127
00:06:12,728 --> 00:06:15,205
If a U.S. President had
a house on that land,
128
00:06:15,228 --> 00:06:17,329
it could qualify for historic
landmark status,
129
00:06:17,341 --> 00:06:19,342
and we could really
stick it to Ron's team.
130
00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:22,178
Which would be icing on the cake, not
the reason why we're doing this.
131
00:06:22,196 --> 00:06:24,104
Okay. Show me this
incredible lodge.
132
00:06:24,129 --> 00:06:25,329
Let's go.
133
00:06:25,349 --> 00:06:27,458
That book sounded so boring,
I cried a little.
134
00:06:27,482 --> 00:06:30,049
Oh, babe. I'm sorry
you had to hear that.
135
00:06:30,074 --> 00:06:31,580
You're safe now.
136
00:06:31,605 --> 00:06:34,022
Hey, Ron. Sorry to bother
you, but I need you to sign
137
00:06:34,045 --> 00:06:36,225
this point of
sale document.
138
00:06:36,233 --> 00:06:38,668
And please sign
it in cursive.
139
00:06:38,683 --> 00:06:40,248
It raises a lot of
red flags if you--
140
00:06:40,263 --> 00:06:42,025
- No.
- Okay.
141
00:06:42,844 --> 00:06:45,337
So... what's Leslie up to?
142
00:06:45,351 --> 00:06:48,637
Well, I don't think I should discuss
that, given that you're in competition.
143
00:06:48,662 --> 00:06:51,455
- Need to remain neutral.
- Fair enough.
144
00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:53,147
Terry, what's Leslie up to?
145
00:06:53,166 --> 00:06:56,517
She is trying to find a historical
to earmark the land for preservation.
146
00:06:56,533 --> 00:07:00,107
- Terry, come on, man.
- Leslie, you little sneak.
147
00:07:00,878 --> 00:07:03,191
If Leslie's going for a hook,
we should too.
148
00:07:03,205 --> 00:07:06,847
- Let's get Annabel Bloosh Person.
- Yes!
149
00:07:06,865 --> 00:07:09,627
Glad to see you finally come around
after these two minutes of insanity.
150
00:07:09,642 --> 00:07:11,840
Now will you please
consider investing
151
00:07:11,855 --> 00:07:14,327
in that toddler cologne
I've been bugging you about.
152
00:07:14,352 --> 00:07:17,583
Toddler cologne. Baby--tsst
tsst-- you smell good.
153
00:07:19,877 --> 00:07:21,290
Here we are.
154
00:07:21,723 --> 00:07:25,157
Here we are, like, "Here's
the place where I buried the map
155
00:07:25,165 --> 00:07:28,494
that will show us the way to William
Henry Harrison's awesome hunting cabin?"
156
00:07:28,519 --> 00:07:32,004
- No, this is all that's left.
- This place is awesome.
157
00:07:32,027 --> 00:07:34,181
Hey, we should sell our dumb
house and buy this one.
158
00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:36,845
Okay, you know, I love William
Henry Harrison as much,
159
00:07:36,860 --> 00:07:40,923
if not slightly more than the
next guy, but this is garbage.
160
00:07:40,948 --> 00:07:43,564
I mean, literally, there's a bag
of old hamburgers over there.
161
00:07:43,577 --> 00:07:45,801
What? Ohh.
162
00:07:46,421 --> 00:07:48,932
We're running out of time
and we need to beat Ron.
163
00:07:48,957 --> 00:07:50,145
So...
164
00:07:50,614 --> 00:07:52,732
we're gonna have to use
this old pile of bricks.
165
00:07:52,747 --> 00:07:55,822
I need to gather everything
I can on William Henry Harrison.
166
00:07:55,847 --> 00:07:58,815
Let's head to the Harrison
Museum over in Vincennes.
167
00:07:58,826 --> 00:08:00,779
I volunteer there
part time.
168
00:08:00,802 --> 00:08:03,562
I just found an artifact!
Historical artifact.
169
00:08:03,569 --> 00:08:05,390
William Henry Harrison's wig.
170
00:08:05,797 --> 00:08:08,157
Andy, put that down.
171
00:08:08,830 --> 00:08:09,869
Cool.
172
00:08:11,204 --> 00:08:12,404
You've got to be
kidding me.
173
00:08:12,427 --> 00:08:14,661
No, I'm sorry, but there's a page
missing from the document
174
00:08:14,676 --> 00:08:17,112
so then the signatures
are invalid.
175
00:08:17,135 --> 00:08:19,090
Can't we just say
it was there?
176
00:08:19,115 --> 00:08:21,441
You're asking a notary to lie.
177
00:08:21,466 --> 00:08:22,767
I signed an oath, Ben.
178
00:08:22,792 --> 00:08:25,927
And then a different notary
notarized the oath I signed.
179
00:08:27,557 --> 00:08:30,402
William Henry Harrison
is totally ridiculous.
180
00:08:30,417 --> 00:08:32,466
They can't even fill a small
museum with real stuff
181
00:08:32,481 --> 00:08:34,377
about his life because
he was so lame.
182
00:08:34,402 --> 00:08:37,711
The "If He'd Worn A Coat Room"
explores how great America
183
00:08:37,726 --> 00:08:41,789
would have been if Harrison had
worn a coat at his inauguration.
184
00:08:41,814 --> 00:08:43,213
And not died.
185
00:08:43,829 --> 00:08:47,381
This room is called "Other Things
That Were Famous for One Month."
186
00:08:47,866 --> 00:08:52,478
Oh, and side note, admission
to this museum costs $14.
187
00:08:53,490 --> 00:08:55,854
And while you're here,
why not visit
188
00:08:55,879 --> 00:08:58,896
the "Other Famous Harrisons"
exhibit.
189
00:08:59,512 --> 00:09:01,606
Okay, guys, this
is so great.
190
00:09:01,629 --> 00:09:05,747
During the election campaign of 1840,
William Henry Harrison supporters
191
00:09:05,762 --> 00:09:09,332
rolled this ten foot
tin and paper ball
192
00:09:09,356 --> 00:09:12,059
down country lanes
all across America.
193
00:09:12,082 --> 00:09:14,219
And--And they would sing
along with a jug band,
194
00:09:14,242 --> 00:09:15,711
and it was just so exciting.
195
00:09:15,736 --> 00:09:17,270
People would come for
miles just to see it.
196
00:09:17,289 --> 00:09:20,618
Why, was there something
inside this stupid ball?
197
00:09:20,643 --> 00:09:22,612
Ooh, like a giant hamster?
198
00:09:23,026 --> 00:09:24,907
This is what we have
to work with, okay.
199
00:09:24,922 --> 00:09:27,113
We are up against a very
flashy internet company,
200
00:09:27,136 --> 00:09:30,675
and we should be aiming
for quantity over quality.
201
00:09:30,691 --> 00:09:32,855
So we're gonna throw a bunch
of Harrison facts at them
202
00:09:32,870 --> 00:09:36,354
and a big pile of bricks
and whatever else we can find.
203
00:09:36,378 --> 00:09:38,847
Quantity, people.
Quantity!
204
00:09:39,808 --> 00:09:41,255
Wow.
205
00:09:41,278 --> 00:09:43,684
This is exactly what I imagine
Heaven looks like.
206
00:09:43,692 --> 00:09:46,684
Right down to the unisex
linen tunics.
207
00:09:46,700 --> 00:09:48,724
- Annabel, ma cherie.
- Hi.
208
00:09:48,731 --> 00:09:50,371
I'm sorry I'm late
for our coven.
209
00:09:50,394 --> 00:09:53,990
I was polishing my oyster forks
with a cage-free olive oil rub.
210
00:09:54,008 --> 00:09:58,289
Apology accepted, and then I have no
reaction to anything else you said.
211
00:09:58,305 --> 00:10:01,332
I can't help but ask,
what's in right now?
212
00:10:01,355 --> 00:10:04,965
Well, this season
I'm intrigued by...
213
00:10:04,990 --> 00:10:06,990
asymmetrical overalls,
214
00:10:07,004 --> 00:10:12,375
angora toothbrushes, and locally
sourced Italian flip flops.
215
00:10:12,390 --> 00:10:15,234
Also, there's a flirty
trend in beverages.
216
00:10:15,249 --> 00:10:17,238
So you've had soy milk
and almond milk.
217
00:10:17,258 --> 00:10:21,130
Now try the hottest
new craze...
218
00:10:21,155 --> 00:10:22,895
beef milk.
219
00:10:22,904 --> 00:10:28,797
It's like almond milk that's been squeezed
through tiny holes in living cows.
220
00:10:31,349 --> 00:10:32,748
It's fucking milk.
221
00:10:33,363 --> 00:10:34,683
- No.
- No.
222
00:10:34,699 --> 00:10:36,228
Milk cost $3 a gallon.
223
00:10:36,251 --> 00:10:40,127
Annabel's authentic, hand-strained
teat-to-table beef milk,
224
00:10:40,141 --> 00:10:41,766
that costs $60 a gallon.
225
00:10:41,791 --> 00:10:44,627
Yeah, and there's a wait list.
226
00:10:44,642 --> 00:10:46,774
This woman knows business.
227
00:10:46,789 --> 00:10:49,431
And I'd be extremely jazzed
to be a part of the Gryzzl bid.
228
00:10:49,453 --> 00:10:52,355
Shall we discuss it in my yurt?
Great.
229
00:10:53,019 --> 00:10:54,258
Ron?
230
00:10:54,642 --> 00:10:57,048
Okay, let's try
this again.
231
00:10:57,071 --> 00:11:01,822
All pages accounted for,
just sign right here.
232
00:11:01,845 --> 00:11:04,033
How is Leslie doing
with her quest?
233
00:11:04,048 --> 00:11:08,236
Again, I don't want to talk about her
plan with you, nor yours with her.
234
00:11:08,251 --> 00:11:10,470
- Sure you understand.
- Absolutely.
235
00:11:10,486 --> 00:11:12,206
Terry, what is Leslie up to?
236
00:11:12,212 --> 00:11:15,471
- Oh, getting ready for a big press
conference. - Terry, come on.
237
00:11:15,487 --> 00:11:17,183
A press conference.
238
00:11:17,208 --> 00:11:19,871
So she's found something
to strengthen her bid.
239
00:11:19,879 --> 00:11:23,668
Ms. Porter, no need
to discuss any further.
240
00:11:23,691 --> 00:11:25,811
You will be the face
of the Gryzzl bid.
241
00:11:25,836 --> 00:11:27,164
Smashing.
242
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:30,561
Well, this calls for a celebratory
dram of aged grappa.
243
00:11:30,578 --> 00:11:33,758
- Okay, so I just sign here?
- No. No, no! Aw.
244
00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:35,364
Great. There you go.
245
00:11:36,745 --> 00:11:39,480
- Yeah, that's invalid now.
- Yeah, I know.
246
00:11:39,489 --> 00:11:41,424
Excuse me, Mr. Haggerty?
247
00:11:41,443 --> 00:11:44,128
I just wanted to say that
I really like your museum.
248
00:11:44,153 --> 00:11:48,421
It's weird and sad
and unnecessary.
249
00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:54,872
Is there, like, a museum curator
position I could apply for?
250
00:11:54,887 --> 00:11:57,956
Sorry, everyone here
is a volunteer.
251
00:11:57,975 --> 00:12:03,690
Though you do get a yearly stipend
of 50,000 Harrison Bucks.
252
00:12:03,704 --> 00:12:07,365
Accepted only at that
vending machine.
253
00:12:07,390 --> 00:12:10,008
- Thanks.
- That's a bummer.
254
00:12:10,016 --> 00:12:11,603
But, hey, hey, listen.
255
00:12:11,628 --> 00:12:14,901
Maybe you could start
your own museum.
256
00:12:14,911 --> 00:12:16,088
About what?
257
00:12:16,113 --> 00:12:18,682
I'm sorry, but
I am not like you.
258
00:12:18,707 --> 00:12:23,435
You love everything. The
only things I like are dogs,
259
00:12:23,460 --> 00:12:25,796
sleeping late,
and weird birthmarks.
260
00:12:25,819 --> 00:12:27,618
You can't make museums
about those.
261
00:12:27,633 --> 00:12:29,427
- This is another dead end.
- Guys?
262
00:12:29,434 --> 00:12:32,089
Let's keep it going, right?
Somebody grab the reading glasses,
263
00:12:32,104 --> 00:12:35,120
somebody grab that walking stick.
Grab everything you can.
264
00:12:35,135 --> 00:12:38,322
I'm officially dubbing this
Operation Quantity.
265
00:12:38,337 --> 00:12:39,784
Oh, thank God
you're still here.
266
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:44,118
I cannot believe the weird notary
hell I've been trapped in.
267
00:12:44,133 --> 00:12:46,522
Been more like heaven for me.
I mean, what a day.
268
00:12:46,537 --> 00:12:47,682
What's Ron up to?
269
00:12:47,707 --> 00:12:49,252
- Okay, I am not--
- No, no, you have to tell me
270
00:12:49,277 --> 00:12:51,949
because you legally vow yourself
to me in marriage. Sucker.
271
00:12:51,964 --> 00:12:55,706
Okay, fine. They got Annabel Porter to be
the celebrity face of their group.
272
00:12:55,729 --> 00:12:57,023
Little rat.
273
00:12:57,048 --> 00:12:58,682
Okay. Two can
play this game.
274
00:12:58,693 --> 00:13:01,888
Bill? Operation
Quantity needs a face.
275
00:13:01,903 --> 00:13:04,950
Does William Henry Harrison have any
direct descendants in the area?
276
00:13:04,973 --> 00:13:09,115
One--a distant nephew
named Zack Harrison.
277
00:13:09,568 --> 00:13:11,982
This is our guy.
American royalty.
278
00:13:12,005 --> 00:13:15,143
His veins pulse with the blood
of our storied forefather.
279
00:13:15,168 --> 00:13:17,650
Zack Harrison? I went
to camp with this guy.
280
00:13:17,675 --> 00:13:18,520
Ha ha!
281
00:13:18,528 --> 00:13:21,120
No one would ride in the boat with
him 'cause he had terrible B.O.,
282
00:13:21,135 --> 00:13:22,493
and then he went with
Janine, our counselor,
283
00:13:22,518 --> 00:13:23,763
and he fell asleep
and got a boner.
284
00:13:23,778 --> 00:13:25,693
Well, he's American
royalty, okay?
285
00:13:25,716 --> 00:13:29,146
And we need him for the press conference,
and we need all of this stuff.
286
00:13:29,161 --> 00:13:33,310
So help me God, I will make a
mountain out of this mole hill.
287
00:13:33,869 --> 00:13:37,282
- Leslie, I do--
- Quantity, people.
288
00:13:38,748 --> 00:13:42,685
Notary public's can trace our origin
all the way back to ancient Rome.
289
00:13:42,700 --> 00:13:45,013
- No way.
- Calvin Coolidge was a notary.
290
00:13:45,020 --> 00:13:46,083
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
291
00:13:46,106 --> 00:13:50,307
And so was Calvin Coolidge's dad and so was
Calvin Coolidge's paternal grandfather.
292
00:13:50,325 --> 00:13:51,138
Uh-huh.
293
00:13:51,153 --> 00:13:55,434
It's 2.5 pounds of pressure is what
you need to get the perfect stamp.
294
00:13:55,450 --> 00:13:57,297
They have this monthly--
295
00:13:57,322 --> 00:13:59,775
Well, it's a notary email
newsletter and, oh, my gosh--
296
00:13:59,790 --> 00:14:02,633
- All right.
- Ben, it's fun. It's just fun.
297
00:14:03,299 --> 00:14:06,131
Babe? I have been thinking a lot
about what you said.
298
00:14:06,156 --> 00:14:09,310
I made a list of everything
that I know you like.
299
00:14:09,335 --> 00:14:13,688
Playing with our dog, staring
contests, sex with me, et cetera.
300
00:14:13,713 --> 00:14:16,260
And then, I lost the list.
301
00:14:16,275 --> 00:14:17,588
So I had to make
a new list.
302
00:14:17,595 --> 00:14:19,447
I didn't have any paper,
so I wrote it on my leg.
303
00:14:19,463 --> 00:14:22,007
And that's when my
leg fell asleep--
304
00:14:22,014 --> 00:14:23,931
Okay, could you just
skip ahead a little?
305
00:14:23,954 --> 00:14:26,487
What do all the things on
that list have in common?
306
00:14:26,512 --> 00:14:28,221
They're one-on-one.
307
00:14:28,636 --> 00:14:33,410
You like dealing with people,
or dogs, one-on-one.
308
00:14:33,427 --> 00:14:36,288
See, we don't make a list
of the things that you love,
309
00:14:36,311 --> 00:14:38,926
we make a list of the reasons
why you love them.
310
00:14:38,951 --> 00:14:42,050
And then we find something
that fits that list.
311
00:14:42,650 --> 00:14:44,818
You're the best
husband ever.
312
00:14:48,286 --> 00:14:49,539
Hi, Zack Harrison.
313
00:14:49,554 --> 00:14:52,423
- You wanted to meet with me about a press
conference? - Oh, yes. Hello, Zack.
314
00:14:52,441 --> 00:14:54,677
Yes, I am Leslie. It is
an honor to have you here.
315
00:14:54,702 --> 00:14:58,196
You are Indiana's last living
link to this great man.
316
00:14:58,212 --> 00:15:01,329
Look, I really don't think you
should make a big deal out of this.
317
00:15:01,345 --> 00:15:03,540
I just happen to be
a descendant of a guy.
318
00:15:03,547 --> 00:15:05,385
You could be the descendant
of George Washington.
319
00:15:05,393 --> 00:15:06,917
- I wouldn't know.
- Do you--
320
00:15:06,924 --> 00:15:09,219
- No, that was just a hypothetical.
- Could that be possible?
321
00:15:09,244 --> 00:15:13,159
Because, you know, I have always thought
that we shared very similar jaw lines.
322
00:15:13,166 --> 00:15:14,854
Wow. That is something
to chew on.
323
00:15:14,877 --> 00:15:16,431
Anyway, okay.
It doesn't matter.
324
00:15:16,456 --> 00:15:18,123
I need this to be
very impressive.
325
00:15:18,143 --> 00:15:22,459
So head on in there and be
presidential... ly descendant.
326
00:15:22,473 --> 00:15:23,706
Just go in there. Okay?
327
00:15:23,709 --> 00:15:24,858
- Just walk, walk, walk.
- I don't--
328
00:15:24,881 --> 00:15:26,304
Quiet down. Walk in.
329
00:15:26,329 --> 00:15:28,681
Zack. Camp Wamapo,
you got a boner.
330
00:15:28,688 --> 00:15:30,416
We'll catch up.
What a dick.
331
00:15:30,441 --> 00:15:31,766
Hey!
332
00:15:31,791 --> 00:15:33,057
No.
333
00:15:33,071 --> 00:15:35,401
No, no, no, no, no, no.
What--Ron?
334
00:15:35,416 --> 00:15:36,213
What are you doing here?
335
00:15:36,228 --> 00:15:37,757
Setting up for our
press conference,
336
00:15:37,780 --> 00:15:39,985
which will take place
immediately after yours.
337
00:15:40,008 --> 00:15:41,532
Are you crazy?
You can't do that.
338
00:15:41,551 --> 00:15:43,888
- Do you want me to bite him?
- No.
339
00:15:43,896 --> 00:15:45,404
Ignore them.
340
00:15:45,429 --> 00:15:47,072
We start in ten minutes.
341
00:15:48,326 --> 00:15:52,185
Swanson, you didn't say anything about
ambushing Leslie's press conference.
342
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:53,717
I didn't think it was relevant.
343
00:15:53,733 --> 00:15:55,420
Come on, man.
This isn't cool.
344
00:15:55,434 --> 00:15:58,784
This is a competition.
We need to win it.
345
00:15:58,809 --> 00:16:00,653
Please do your jobs.
346
00:16:01,287 --> 00:16:05,313
Good evening. Pawnee is a place of
culture, history, and heritage,
347
00:16:05,335 --> 00:16:07,483
and the National Park
Service is proud to say
348
00:16:07,498 --> 00:16:09,861
that we've discovered a new
chapter in the life
349
00:16:09,868 --> 00:16:13,194
of local hero and president,
William Henry Harrison.
350
00:16:13,209 --> 00:16:18,304
A heretofore unknown hunting
lodge was recently discovered
351
00:16:18,329 --> 00:16:21,518
smack dab in the middle
of the Newport land.
352
00:16:21,525 --> 00:16:24,235
What great
historical moments
353
00:16:24,260 --> 00:16:26,724
took place within
these hallowed halls?
354
00:16:26,739 --> 00:16:31,889
Did Harrison plan his presidential
campaign while sitting around the hearth?
355
00:16:31,914 --> 00:16:33,423
Which used to be there.
356
00:16:33,448 --> 00:16:36,774
Did he write letters to Thomas
Jefferson on his roll top desk?
357
00:16:36,797 --> 00:16:38,821
Which, you know, I don't
know, might have existed.
358
00:16:38,844 --> 00:16:40,375
The point is,
359
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:45,723
William Henry Harrison would have wanted
this land preserved as a national park.
360
00:16:45,748 --> 00:16:48,186
Don't believe me?
Let's ask him.
361
00:16:48,201 --> 00:16:52,368
In the form of his direct
descendant, Zachary.
362
00:16:55,326 --> 00:16:57,213
Hi, I'm Zack.
363
00:16:58,382 --> 00:17:00,229
- Harrison.
- Amazing.
364
00:17:00,253 --> 00:17:04,190
Zachary, what is it like being
a descendant of William Henry Harrison?
365
00:17:04,215 --> 00:17:07,836
- Uh, Harrison's a pretty
common last name. - Okay, sit.
366
00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:12,971
Now. Travel back in time with me
to 1840 when William Henry Harrison,
367
00:17:12,996 --> 00:17:15,793
Old Tippecanoe,
runs for president.
368
00:17:15,816 --> 00:17:20,910
And his campaign rolls this
giant tin and paper ball
369
00:17:20,933 --> 00:17:25,345
from town to town, while
Americans everywhere sing along.
370
00:17:25,352 --> 00:17:26,352
Hit it, gang.
371
00:17:28,025 --> 00:17:31,353
♪ What has caused this great
commotion motion motion ♪
372
00:17:31,368 --> 00:17:32,791
♪ Our country through ♪
373
00:17:32,805 --> 00:17:35,118
♪ It is the ball
a-Rolling on ♪
374
00:17:35,133 --> 00:17:36,571
They're talking
about this ball.
375
00:17:36,590 --> 00:17:39,052
♪ For Tippecanoe
and Tyler too ♪
376
00:17:39,068 --> 00:17:41,266
♪ Tippecanoe and Tyler too... ♪
377
00:17:41,281 --> 00:17:44,620
Van. Van's Martin van Buren.
That's who.
378
00:17:44,645 --> 00:17:46,273
♪ Van is a used up man ♪
379
00:17:46,288 --> 00:17:49,087
♪ And with them
we'll beat little Van ♪
380
00:17:52,027 --> 00:17:54,012
Wow, that was cool.
381
00:17:54,035 --> 00:17:57,360
Said some boring idiot
from 200 years ago.
382
00:17:57,383 --> 00:17:59,684
Who cares about some dumb
grandpa and a tin ball?
383
00:17:59,702 --> 00:18:02,415
That's the past.
Gryzzl is the future.
384
00:18:02,430 --> 00:18:05,048
The Newport land will become
the Midwest headquarters
385
00:18:05,063 --> 00:18:07,782
of America's most dynamic
technology company.
386
00:18:07,798 --> 00:18:11,478
Here to introduce our vision
is Annabel Riordan from Bloosh
387
00:18:11,493 --> 00:18:16,549
and the sexy ladies known in Pawnee
as The Somebody's Daughter Dancers.
388
00:18:18,530 --> 00:18:20,133
Fresh.
389
00:18:20,158 --> 00:18:23,174
Innovative. Place-Making.
390
00:18:23,196 --> 00:18:27,165
Disposable duvets.
Growth-Hacking.
391
00:18:27,190 --> 00:18:29,925
Super-Moon Gryzzl.
392
00:18:29,936 --> 00:18:35,478
Now come with me as we
binge watch the future.
393
00:18:38,460 --> 00:18:42,202
That was sickening.
All flash and no substance.
394
00:18:42,221 --> 00:18:45,226
It was exactly as substantive
as your presentation.
395
00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:46,616
No, it was not.
396
00:18:46,641 --> 00:18:48,589
We had way more
quantity than you.
397
00:18:48,611 --> 00:18:50,519
Please. Please.
398
00:18:50,534 --> 00:18:57,279
For the love of all that is holy,
both of you, please sign this form.
399
00:18:57,304 --> 00:18:59,915
Not that it matters. I'm definitely
gonna wake up tomorrow morning
400
00:18:59,938 --> 00:19:01,734
with these same forms
for you to sign
401
00:19:01,759 --> 00:19:04,675
because I've died somehow
and now I'm a ghost
402
00:19:04,700 --> 00:19:08,098
living in Purgatory until
I complete my unfinished business.
403
00:19:08,121 --> 00:19:10,348
Okay, I'm not signing
anything he's signing.
404
00:19:10,355 --> 00:19:12,246
Did you just hear
what I said?
405
00:19:12,253 --> 00:19:14,730
No, of course, you didn't,
because I'm a ghost.
406
00:19:14,745 --> 00:19:16,972
You know what?
I can't stand you.
407
00:19:16,995 --> 00:19:20,964
I can't stand your stupid
mustache and your stupid shirt,
408
00:19:20,980 --> 00:19:23,199
and your stupid name, Ron.
409
00:19:23,214 --> 00:19:25,222
Ron. It's not even a word.
410
00:19:25,237 --> 00:19:28,574
Well, I have had just about
enough of your stubborn behavior.
411
00:19:28,582 --> 00:19:30,243
Ever since
the Morningstar incident,
412
00:19:30,258 --> 00:19:32,267
you have been completely
unreasonable.
413
00:19:32,289 --> 00:19:33,738
You are the unreasonable one!
414
00:19:33,762 --> 00:19:36,113
You've been unreasonable
way before Morningstar.
415
00:19:36,129 --> 00:19:38,531
You're the most unreasonable,
stubborn person I have ever met.
416
00:19:38,546 --> 00:19:40,303
And I am never gonna
change my mind on that,
417
00:19:40,319 --> 00:19:42,256
no matter what
anybody says!
418
00:19:43,671 --> 00:19:46,109
You're not that good
at scrapbooking.
419
00:19:46,810 --> 00:19:48,497
What?
420
00:19:49,938 --> 00:19:52,657
Okay, would you just
sign right here?
421
00:19:52,672 --> 00:19:55,312
And I will need your
thumbprints.
422
00:19:57,821 --> 00:19:59,899
Man, those two really
hate each other.
423
00:19:59,915 --> 00:20:01,907
That feud's like
Biggie-Tupac level.
424
00:20:01,921 --> 00:20:04,586
Maybe even Morgan Freeman-
Shailene Woodley level.
425
00:20:04,594 --> 00:20:06,610
Nah, it's bad,
but it's not that bad.
426
00:20:06,625 --> 00:20:09,411
This is like when the triplets
fight, except I can't just give
427
00:20:09,434 --> 00:20:13,096
Leslie and Ron stuffed animals
to make them calm down.
428
00:20:13,121 --> 00:20:15,676
Actually, that might work.
Have we tried that?
429
00:20:15,700 --> 00:20:17,060
They've always
butted heads.
430
00:20:17,084 --> 00:20:18,904
I really--I don't think
they hate each other.
431
00:20:18,928 --> 00:20:21,189
I just think they're
very different people
432
00:20:21,214 --> 00:20:24,895
and they just drifted apart once they
stopped working in the same office.
433
00:20:29,095 --> 00:20:32,790
- You okay? - Yeah, well I ordered
60 veggie pizzas to Ron's office,
434
00:20:32,798 --> 00:20:34,697
so that calmed me
down a little.
435
00:20:34,712 --> 00:20:37,012
I know you're
furious at him.
436
00:20:37,418 --> 00:20:41,738
But please, come to a neutral
site and sit with Ron
437
00:20:41,753 --> 00:20:44,873
for 30 seconds so I can get
this dumb document signed.
438
00:20:44,888 --> 00:20:46,599
Ugh.
439
00:20:46,624 --> 00:20:49,550
I'll let you rename the triplets
Ruth, Bader, and Ginsburg.
440
00:20:50,498 --> 00:20:53,736
Okay, fine. But I get
to sign first.
441
00:20:53,761 --> 00:20:55,137
Oh, my God.
442
00:20:55,162 --> 00:20:58,691
- All right, let's just get this over with.
- Oh, let me get that for you.
443
00:21:04,633 --> 00:21:06,253
- Got 'em.
- What?
444
00:21:06,278 --> 00:21:08,192
What's going on?
What's going on?
445
00:21:08,215 --> 00:21:10,723
- Let us out immediately.
- No.
446
00:21:10,746 --> 00:21:12,281
You guys are being
ridiculous.
447
00:21:12,296 --> 00:21:13,937
This has gone too far,
448
00:21:13,962 --> 00:21:17,288
and you are not leaving this
office until you've made peace.
449
00:21:18,950 --> 00:21:20,950
Nooo!
450
00:21:20,972 --> 00:21:29,972
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther