Okay, here it is.
This is Louis' first science fair project.
You're gonna love it.
Wow. Louis made this all by himself.
Last time I was here,
he got the straw from his juice box stuck in his nose.
He also got it unstuck.
Check it out.
So we'll take a piece of bread, all right?
Put it in the mouth,
where the saliva will start to dissolve the bread.
And then it'll travel down to the stomach,
where the acids will break down the complex carbohydrates.
At which point it will move past the appendix,
which does nothing.
We should rename that the Alan.
And then it'll go to the small intestines,
the large intestines, where finally...
Oh, dear God.
Uh, no, it's okay, it's a Hershey's Kiss.
Okay.
So the reason I came over is to tell you...
we are ready to start the final steps
for you to officially adopt Louis.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna Hershey's Kiss my pants.
But before the adoption is final,
I want you to tell Louis you two aren't gay.
Are you sure that this is the best time to do that?
I mean, I haven't even talked to him
about the birds and the bees,
let alone the bees and the bees.
I know there is never a perfect time
to tell your son his two dads aren't gay...
but it'll be more harmful the longer you wait.
Yeah, but it's just, like, h... how do I tell him?
Does Hallmark make a "Sorry, son,
it turns out I'm straight" card?
You've been a fantastic father so far.
I am confident you will handle this
with the utmost attention and care.
Walden?
Him I'm worried about.
Sorry I'm late.
I took Louis to the mall
to get him some new school clothes.
He's trying them on right now.
Plus there was a new kiosk that will bedazzle anything.
Got an iPhone case for my boo.
Now, I'm gonna bedazzle your cheek with some sugar.
Alan, as your social worker, I cannot accept gifts.
And as your "boo," hell no.
I can't believe I'm just realizing this,
but the perfect person to date a social worker
is a needy child.
We were just discussing that it would be
in the best interest of Louis to tell him
you two aren't actually gay.
Oh, I agree 100 percent.
I mean, it's not like anyone was buying either one of us
as a gay man anyway.
That top is fierce, girl.
Louis, could you come in here for a second?
Oh, oh! We're doing it right now?
It will be such a relief to discontinue this charade.
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What are you wearing?
Alan says between business casual and country club chic.
Now turn around.
He's "bedazzle-ous."
Okay, should we tell him now?
I don't think he's gonna believe us.
Hey, Berta.
I talked to Louis.
He said you guys told him you're not gay.
Yeah, we didn't want to lie to him anymore.
So now you're just lying to yourself.
Lyndsey?
- Hi, Alan. Can we talk? - Sure, come on in.
Can I give you a hand with your box?
Boy, I haven't said that to you in a while.
I'll say to you now what I said to you then.
It's easier if I just do it myself.
I was cleaning out my house,
and I found some of your old things.
Oh, look at this stuff.
Here's a picture from our Caribbean vacation.
Remember how I got stung by that jellyfish?
Of course I do. You made me pee on you to neutralize the pain.
Seems like you got stung a lot on that vacation.
Did I?
Wow! Look.
My old boom box.
And it still has that mix CD I made for us.
"Now That's What I Call Nasty, Volume 69."
"Mambo No. 5."
How did I ever let you make love to me
while you sang other women's names?
Be fair, you used to scream other guys' names.
Anyway, I didn't come by just to bring you your stuff.
I also wanted to tell you that I've decided to move away.
Get a fresh start.
What? Where's this coming from?
I've been thinking about it for a while,
and there's nothing for me here.
I mean, most of my memories involve a time
when I was drinking really heavily,
and those aren't pretty.
I mean, the bar by my house has a drink
called "The Lyndsey Special."
It's a bottle of Merlot, a shot of vodka
and a scrunchie to hold your hair back while you throw up.
So where do you think you're gonna go?
Well, I have family in Arizona, so...
not there.
You know, I just, I can't believe it.
I mean, well, I hope you don't forget about me completely.
You're a hard person to forget, Alan Harper.
I've tried.
Hence, "The Lyndsey Special."
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know.
This is gonna be so strange.
I mean, even when we weren't together,
it was nice knowing you were nearby.
Oh, I know what you mean.
Well, this is it.
Good-bye, Alan.
Good-bye, Lyndsey.
Are we really not gonna talk about the 20 bucks you owe me?
I am really gonna miss you.
I'll miss you, too.
Let's go to your room.
Okay, great.
- Ow! - What's wrong?
I just got stung by a jellyfish earlier, that's all.
Yeah, still got it.
Sex is very different when you're sober.
Now I really know how long two minutes is.
It was a special occasion.
I wanted to give you a little something extra.
Well, thank you.
This puts a nice cap on our relationship.
Wait.
I can't have this be the last time we make love.
The last time I put on your panties.
The last time you say, "No, not there,"
and I pretend I was just confused.
Look, I'm not saying I won't miss you,
but the fact is you're married.
You're about to adopt a child.
That's my point.
The adoption is almost final, and when it is,
Walden and I will get a divorce.
And I misspelled my name on the prenup.
We'll live like kings.
Are you really asking me to stay?
Yes, I mean, we've shared so much over the years.
We can't just throw it away like a...
a long-running hit television show
that still pulls in a pretty decent audience.
I suppose it is something to think about.
I mean, for the first time in a long time,
neither one of us is seeing anybody else.
Hey, do you need a bedazzled iPhone case?
Wait, are you seeing someone?
Yeah, yeah, Alan Harper has two girlfriends.
What else do I have?
Good credit? Health insurance?
A job?
This is a lot to think about.
I'm gonna need some time.
Of course, take all the time you need.
Okay.
Look, I really do need to go.
And I really do need my panties back.
Oh.
Hey, Walden.
Lyndsey?
Are you coming out of Alan's room?
- Uh-huh. - You drinking again?
Do I need to take you to a meeting?
No, still sober.
But I should apologize for sleeping with your husband.
Not the first time I've said that.
See ya.
So, okay...
Alan!
Yeah?
Are you having sex with Lyndsey
while you're sleeping with our social worker?
Yeah, my pimp hand is strong.
No, it's not!
Look, look, this thing with Lyndsey just happened.
A... And, honestly, l... I'm glad it did.
L... I really want her to give us another shot.
What about Ms. McMartin?!
We're not that serious.
Plus, she doesn't get me like Lyndsey gets me.
When I try to put Ms. McMartin's panties on,
she looks at me like I'm some kind of weirdo.
Kind of like how I'm looking at you right now?!
Look, I'm gonna see Ms. McMartin tonight,
and l... I'll tell her it's over.
She's gonna be upset. Nobody likes getting dumped.
She'll be fine.
I mean, you've seen how she looks at me.
That's not love. That's not even like.
That's... if we run into anyone I know,
I'm pretending that you're my slow brother.
Alan?
I want you to get your penis out of my business.
Change "business" to "turkey,"
and it's the story
of how a 13-year-old boy named Alan ruined Thanksgiving.
What looks good?
And don't say my boobs.
Cute. Funny.
Boobs.
Um, can we talk?
What's wrong? Is it the restaurant?
It's not too pricy, is it?
It only had one dollar sign on Yelp.
N... N... No, it's not that.
Although, $14 for tilapia?
Sounds to me like a beer-battered rip-off.
Then what's going on?
Here's the thing.
I really like you, it's just that...
Oh, my God, are you breaking up with me?
Wow, Band-Aid off.
Seriously? You?
Breaking up with me?
That?
Breaking up with this?
Hey, hey, there's no need to point.
I mean we both could be in better shape.
There is only one person at this table wearing Spanx,
and it is not me.
Could you keep it down? People are starting to look.
Well, they're probably wondering
why the old man and his nurse are arguing.
Hey, I am not that much older than you.
I'm 47.
Great, you just lost me my senior discount.
I knew dating you was a bad idea.
Yes, exactly.
Louis and Walden are the priority here.
You and I should never have complicated the adoption
with our unbridled passion.
We should have bridled.
This was so stupid.
I am so stupid.
No, you're not stupid.
You just let your unfettered desire get the best of you.
You should have fettered.
You know what? You're right.
Ending this is a good thing.
To be honest, I'm actually a little relieved.
Of course you are, you just dodged a bullet...
a cheap, middle-aged, lactose-intolerant bullet.
What is going on?
I have no idea.
Surprise!
It's inspection time!
Look at these sharp corners on this table.
No gate on the stairs.
I see a lot of problems here.
A lot of problems.
Believe me, I see the same problem.
And I would like to help you get rid of your problem,
even if that means dumping the problem's body in the ocean.
If you think it's hard getting me out of here alive,
try getting rid of my ghost.
Okay, obviously this is not about the adoption.
This is about us.
Now, why don't we just sit down and talk?
Look at this.
A weapon in the form of a toy?
Is it loaded?
Yes, it is!
You have to be careful.
You might hurt someone you thought you cared about
but were horribly deceived by.
Okay, listen,
I understand that you are very upset.
And I agree
that we should take this out on Alan.
Your railings on the deck are too low,
there's no safety glass on the fireplace
and you have alcohol
within a child's reach.
We can, we can fix this.
See? All gone.
What kind of wine is that?
Oh, uh... It's instant.
It comes in a packet. Just add water.
It's... it's like astronaut wine.
And you're upset that this guy broke up with you?
The only thing I'm upset about
is the litany of violations I found here tonight.
You have 48 hours to address these issues.
Keep in mind:
I can stop by anytime I see fit.
Anytime.
Okay, say what you will,
but that exit was cool.
Okay, you think she's angry now?
What do you think is gonna happen
when she finds out about you and Lyndsey?
Don't worry, I'll apologize to Ms. McMartin,
and then tomorrow, when I'm having lunch with Lyndsey,
I'll tell her we have to lay low
until the adoption goes through.
No. I don't want you going anywhere near Ms. McMartin.
- But I think I can help... - No!
You've already done enough damage.
And I'm warning you, you stay away.
I am a billionaire
and I can buy my way out of at least one murder.
This is still America.
So, what looks good?
And don't say my boobs.
Why would I say "my boobs"
when it's your boobs that I like?
Have you thought about us?
Yes.
I want to give it a try.
You do?!
- That is so great. - I know!
The rest of our life together starts right now.
Yes!
Or in three weeks, when I can see you again.
What?
Well, Walden is worried about the adoption.
He doesn't want there to be any complications.
So he thinks I'll screw it up?
No, he thinks I'll screw it up.
Oh, sure.
So I just think it's better if we lay low
until after the court date.
I understand.
Is that why we drove an hour away from the ocean
to go to a seafood restaurant?
That and...
no corkage fee.
Oh, a Pinot.
Oh... You don't mind if I drink, do you?
I can honestly say I've never been less tempted.
Good legs...
mmm, full body...
goes down easy.
They should call this "The Lyndsey Special."
Cute.
You know, l... I certainly wouldn't want to do anything
to jeopardize the adoption.
And taking it slow is probably better for us, too.
Oh! Lyndsey plus Alan equals "us."
Aw...
Hello, Alan.
Good God!
What... what are you doing here?
And... and how do you keep making these dramatic entrances?
Who is this?
Oh, uh... Th... this is... is Lyndsey.
Lyndsey, this is Ms. McMartin,
our social worker.
Remember, I told you about her and the adoption?
Lyndsey is my cousin,
from Cedar Rapids, Iowa.
What?
So you make out with your cousin?
I said she was from Iowa.
Is this why you broke up with me?
For her?
Hold on.
You're dating your social worker?
He was.
Till he dumped me last night.
Was it just last night?
You said you were single.
Did I say I was single?
Yeah. Right after we had sex.
Did we have sex?
You had sex with her?
Did I have sex with her?
You jackass!
Chicks.
Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed, am I right?
Lyndsey... Lyndsey, wait!
I banged both of them.
Ain't no thang.
Hey.
Hey, did you... see Lyndsey?
Yes, I did.
And she was totally cool with taking it slow
until the adoption is done.
Good. And thank you.
Yeah, you may not want to thank me just yet. Um...
Please tell me that that is your blood
and not powdered wine.
I... It's not my fault.
- Ms. McMartin showed up. - What?
She followed me. She's gone crazy.
No, she hasn't "gone crazy."
You drove her crazy.
You make people crazy!
That... that's a little unfair.
I mean, I grant you that, you know,
maybe it was a mistake to sleep with her,
but when a woman has five cats,
she doesn't have to be "made crazy."
You know what? You're right.
This... this... this is my fault.
I'm the one who made the mistake.
- You are? - Yes.
I mistakenly thought that you were
a capable, competent human being,
able to handle a simple situation
without destroying the life of everyone around you.
Boy, if I had a dollar
for every time someone has said that to me.
But seriously, seriously, I... I will fix this.
Oh, great.
- You're gonna fix this. - Yeah.
I mean, why was I worried?
Have no fear!
Alan is here!
Hey! Hey, everyone!
Don't worry!
Alan's gonna fix it!
Sailors at sea,
throw away your life vests!
You don't need them!
'Cause Alan is gonna fix everything!
Maybe I do make people crazy.
Walden? What are you doing here?
I am on the "Alan Harper Apology Tour."
But this is gonna require
a little bit of audience participation.
When I say "Alan," you say "idiot."
- Alan. - Idiot.
This is fun. Come in.
Wow, this is nice.
And it doesn't smell like cat urine at all.
So what do you want, Walden?
I realize that Alan...
Idiot.
Look, I... I realize that he can do some stupid things.
And I'm... I'm sure you've seen his helicopter dance,
where he uses his penis as the propeller.
Actually, I haven't.
Neither have I.
I realize how angry you must be with him.
But that has nothing to do
with the kind of father I can be to Louis.
I know that.
It's just that Alan...
Idiot.
Ha!
He makes me crazy.
I... I just said that!
In... in fact, I hit a lifeguard
with a patio chair saying that.
Look, Walden, at the end of the day,
I'm not gonna let my anger prevent a child
from being placed in a good home.
Thank God.
I just... I've never realized
how much another person can mean to me.
That is so sweet.
Why can't anybody
ever think that about me?
I am such a loser!
No, you're not a loser, Ms. McMartin.
Yes, I am!
I thought I hit rock bottom
by dating an old guy who can't get a boner.
It turns out, rock bottom is getting dumped
by the old guy who can't get a boner.
What is wrong with me?
Nothing.
Come on, you're smart and you're fun...
And by the way,
you are way too pretty for Alan.
So are you.
See?
Now there's that smile.
Come on, now, now...
any guy would be lucky to be with you.
You're just saying that.
No, you're awesome.
And what you do for a living, helping those kids,
changing their lives,
putting your hand on my leg...
Wow.
I can't believe this.
You're not the only one.
I don't want you to worry.
I'm not going to let the fact
that we are in a relationship affect Louis.
Learned that lesson, am I right?
Yeah.
Relationship?
Okay.
- I am going to go... - Where?
Where are you going?
To the bathroom.
Oh. Okay.
Hurry back.
I'll miss you.
I'll miss you, too.
Ooh. It's a little chilly out there.
I'm gonna grab my pants.
And my car keys.
Alan?
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