1
00:00:04,537 --> 00:00:05,595
Okay, here it is.
2
00:00:05,705 --> 00:00:07,434
This is Louis' first
science fair project.
3
00:00:07,540 --> 00:00:08,507
You're gonna love it.
4
00:00:08,641 --> 00:00:11,371
Wow. Louis made this
all by himself.
5
00:00:11,478 --> 00:00:12,809
Last time I was here,
6
00:00:12,912 --> 00:00:15,847
he got the straw from his
juice box stuck in his nose.
7
00:00:16,049 --> 00:00:18,108
He also got it unstuck.
8
00:00:19,552 --> 00:00:20,780
Check it out.
9
00:00:20,887 --> 00:00:23,355
So we'll take
a piece of bread, all right?
10
00:00:23,456 --> 00:00:24,718
Put it in the mouth,
11
00:00:24,891 --> 00:00:27,553
where the saliva will
start to dissolve the bread.
12
00:00:27,660 --> 00:00:29,184
And then it'll travel
down to the stomach,
13
00:00:29,295 --> 00:00:33,163
where the acids will break down
the complex carbohydrates.
14
00:00:33,266 --> 00:00:35,530
At which point it will
move past the appendix,
15
00:00:35,635 --> 00:00:37,830
which does nothing.
16
00:00:37,937 --> 00:00:39,905
We should rename that the Alan.
17
00:00:41,007 --> 00:00:42,668
And then it'll go
to the small intestines,
18
00:00:42,776 --> 00:00:44,107
the large intestines,
where finally...
19
00:00:48,848 --> 00:00:50,509
Oh, dear God.
20
00:00:50,617 --> 00:00:52,016
Uh, no, it's okay,
it's a Hershey's Kiss.
21
00:00:52,118 --> 00:00:53,142
Okay.
22
00:00:53,253 --> 00:00:56,620
So the reason I came
over is to tell you...
23
00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:58,247
we are ready to start
the final steps
24
00:00:58,358 --> 00:01:00,292
for you to officially
adopt Louis.
25
00:01:00,393 --> 00:01:03,487
Oh, my God, I'm gonna
Hershey's Kiss my pants.
26
00:01:03,596 --> 00:01:06,326
But before the
adoption is final,
27
00:01:06,433 --> 00:01:08,765
I want you to tell Louis
you two aren't gay.
28
00:01:08,868 --> 00:01:11,132
Are you sure that this is
the best time to do that?
29
00:01:11,237 --> 00:01:12,431
I mean, I haven't even
talked to him
30
00:01:12,539 --> 00:01:13,870
about the birds and the bees,
31
00:01:13,940 --> 00:01:15,567
let alone the bees and the bees.
32
00:01:15,675 --> 00:01:17,905
I know there is never
a perfect time
33
00:01:18,011 --> 00:01:20,775
to tell your son his two dads
aren't gay...
34
00:01:22,482 --> 00:01:24,973
but it'll be more harmful
the longer you wait.
35
00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:26,916
Yeah, but it's just,
like, h... how do I tell him?
36
00:01:27,020 --> 00:01:29,284
Does Hallmark make
a "Sorry, son,
37
00:01:29,389 --> 00:01:31,220
it turns out I'm straight" card?
38
00:01:31,324 --> 00:01:32,985
You've been a fantastic father
so far.
39
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:34,492
I am confident
you will handle this
40
00:01:34,594 --> 00:01:35,891
with the utmost attention
and care.
41
00:01:35,995 --> 00:01:36,984
Walden?
42
00:01:37,063 --> 00:01:38,997
Him I'm worried about.
43
00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:40,088
Sorry I'm late.
44
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:41,258
I took Louis to the mall
45
00:01:41,367 --> 00:01:42,356
to get him some
new school clothes.
46
00:01:42,469 --> 00:01:43,629
He's trying them on right now.
47
00:01:43,736 --> 00:01:47,194
Plus there was a new kiosk
that will bedazzle anything.
48
00:01:47,307 --> 00:01:49,298
Got an iPhone case for my boo.
49
00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:53,302
Now, I'm gonna bedazzle
your cheek with some sugar.
50
00:01:54,447 --> 00:01:58,383
Alan, as your social worker,
I cannot accept gifts.
51
00:01:58,485 --> 00:02:00,180
And as your "boo," hell no.
52
00:02:01,754 --> 00:02:03,847
I can't believe
I'm just realizing this,
53
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:06,221
but the perfect person
to date a social worker
54
00:02:06,326 --> 00:02:07,816
is a needy child.
55
00:02:07,927 --> 00:02:10,191
We were just discussing
that it would be
56
00:02:10,296 --> 00:02:11,991
in the best interest
of Louis to tell him
57
00:02:12,098 --> 00:02:13,622
you two aren't actually gay.
58
00:02:13,733 --> 00:02:15,701
Oh, I agree 100 percent.
59
00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:17,997
I mean, it's not like anyone was
buying either one of us
60
00:02:18,104 --> 00:02:19,628
as a gay man anyway.
61
00:02:19,739 --> 00:02:22,071
That top is fierce, girl.
62
00:02:24,043 --> 00:02:26,477
Louis, could you come
in here for a second?
63
00:02:26,579 --> 00:02:28,069
Oh, oh!
We're doing it right now?
64
00:02:28,248 --> 00:02:30,944
It will be such a relief
to discontinue this charade.
65
00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:37,100
Ripped By mstoll
66
00:02:37,323 --> 00:02:38,688
What are you wearing?
67
00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:42,192
Alan says between business
casual and country club chic.
68
00:02:43,196 --> 00:02:44,390
Now turn around.
69
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:49,795
He's "bedazzle-ous."
70
00:02:51,604 --> 00:02:53,071
Okay, should we tell him now?
71
00:02:53,206 --> 00:02:55,174
I don't think
he's gonna believe us.
72
00:03:07,453 --> 00:03:08,886
Hey, Berta.
73
00:03:08,988 --> 00:03:10,250
I talked to Louis.
74
00:03:10,990 --> 00:03:12,753
He said you guys told him
you're not gay.
75
00:03:14,294 --> 00:03:16,285
Yeah, we didn't want
to lie to him anymore.
76
00:03:16,396 --> 00:03:18,489
So now you're just
lying to yourself.
77
00:03:25,605 --> 00:03:26,867
Lyndsey?
78
00:03:26,973 --> 00:03:29,601
- Hi, Alan. Can we talk?
- Sure, come on in.
79
00:03:29,709 --> 00:03:31,609
Can I give you
a hand with your box?
80
00:03:31,678 --> 00:03:33,202
Boy, I haven't said that
to you in a while.
81
00:03:34,347 --> 00:03:36,372
I'll say to you now
what I said to you then.
82
00:03:36,482 --> 00:03:38,177
It's easier
if I just do it myself.
83
00:03:39,385 --> 00:03:40,443
I was cleaning out my house,
84
00:03:40,653 --> 00:03:42,120
and I found some
of your old things.
85
00:03:42,255 --> 00:03:44,155
Oh, look at this stuff.
86
00:03:44,257 --> 00:03:46,316
Here's a picture from
our Caribbean vacation.
87
00:03:46,426 --> 00:03:48,621
Remember how I got
stung by that jellyfish?
88
00:03:48,761 --> 00:03:51,423
Of course I do. You made me pee
on you to neutralize the pain.
89
00:03:52,932 --> 00:03:55,196
Seems like you got stung
a lot on that vacation.
90
00:03:56,336 --> 00:03:57,325
Did I?
91
00:03:57,503 --> 00:03:59,494
Wow! Look.
92
00:03:59,639 --> 00:04:00,799
My old boom box.
93
00:04:00,873 --> 00:04:04,138
And it still has that
mix CD I made for us.
94
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:07,008
"Now That's What I Call
Nasty, Volume 69."
95
00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:15,482
"Mambo No. 5."
96
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,316
How did I ever let you
make love to me
97
00:04:19,425 --> 00:04:21,017
while you sang
other women's names?
98
00:04:21,127 --> 00:04:22,856
Be fair, you used to
scream other guys' names.
99
00:04:24,364 --> 00:04:26,889
Anyway, I didn't come by
just to bring you your stuff.
100
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:31,027
I also wanted to tell you
that I've decided to move away.
101
00:04:31,137 --> 00:04:32,468
Get a fresh start.
102
00:04:32,572 --> 00:04:34,904
What?
Where's this coming from?
103
00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:37,440
I've been thinking about it
for a while,
104
00:04:37,510 --> 00:04:39,273
and there's nothing for me here.
105
00:04:39,379 --> 00:04:40,971
I mean, most of my memories
involve a time
106
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:42,843
when I was drinking
really heavily,
107
00:04:42,949 --> 00:04:44,177
and those aren't pretty.
108
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:46,184
I mean, the bar
by my house has a drink
109
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:47,583
called "The Lyndsey Special."
110
00:04:47,687 --> 00:04:49,450
It's a bottle of Merlot,
a shot of vodka
111
00:04:49,555 --> 00:04:51,455
and a scrunchie to hold your
hair back while you throw up.
112
00:04:52,592 --> 00:04:54,423
So where do you think
you're gonna go?
113
00:04:54,594 --> 00:04:57,062
Well, I have family
in Arizona, so...
114
00:04:57,163 --> 00:04:58,255
not there.
115
00:04:59,332 --> 00:05:01,425
You know, I just,
I can't believe it.
116
00:05:01,534 --> 00:05:03,764
I mean, well, I hope you don't
forget about me completely.
117
00:05:03,870 --> 00:05:05,929
You're a hard person
to forget, Alan Harper.
118
00:05:06,072 --> 00:05:07,198
I've tried.
119
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,865
Hence, "The Lyndsey Special."
120
00:05:10,276 --> 00:05:12,107
Anyway, I just wanted
to let you know.
121
00:05:12,211 --> 00:05:13,940
This is gonna be so strange.
122
00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:15,480
I mean, even when
we weren't together,
123
00:05:15,581 --> 00:05:17,105
it was nice knowing
you were nearby.
124
00:05:17,250 --> 00:05:18,717
Oh, I know what you mean.
125
00:05:18,818 --> 00:05:20,683
Well, this is it.
126
00:05:20,787 --> 00:05:21,754
Good-bye, Alan.
127
00:05:21,854 --> 00:05:23,082
Good-bye, Lyndsey.
128
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:28,123
Are we really not gonna talk
about the 20 bucks you owe me?
129
00:05:30,496 --> 00:05:31,827
I am really gonna miss you.
130
00:05:31,931 --> 00:05:33,398
I'll miss you, too.
131
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:41,534
Let's go to your room.
132
00:05:41,641 --> 00:05:42,869
Okay, great.
133
00:05:42,975 --> 00:05:44,567
- Ow!
- What's wrong?
134
00:05:44,744 --> 00:05:46,939
I just got stung by a jellyfish
earlier, that's all.
135
00:05:52,985 --> 00:05:55,419
Yeah, still got it.
136
00:05:56,489 --> 00:05:58,457
Sex is very different
when you're sober.
137
00:05:59,225 --> 00:06:00,920
Now I really know
how long two minutes is.
138
00:06:01,627 --> 00:06:02,958
It was a special occasion.
139
00:06:03,062 --> 00:06:04,427
I wanted to give you
a little something extra.
140
00:06:04,597 --> 00:06:06,155
Well, thank you.
141
00:06:06,332 --> 00:06:08,232
This puts a nice cap
on our relationship.
142
00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:11,101
Wait.
143
00:06:11,237 --> 00:06:13,671
I can't have this be
the last time we make love.
144
00:06:13,773 --> 00:06:16,037
The last time I put
on your panties.
145
00:06:16,175 --> 00:06:18,439
The last time you say,
"No, not there,"
146
00:06:18,544 --> 00:06:20,034
and I pretend
I was just confused.
147
00:06:20,847 --> 00:06:22,371
Look, I'm not saying
I won't miss you,
148
00:06:22,482 --> 00:06:23,676
but the fact is you're married.
149
00:06:23,850 --> 00:06:25,112
You're about to adopt a child.
150
00:06:25,251 --> 00:06:26,377
That's my point.
151
00:06:26,486 --> 00:06:28,579
The adoption is almost final,
and when it is,
152
00:06:28,688 --> 00:06:30,519
Walden and I will get a divorce.
153
00:06:30,623 --> 00:06:33,319
And I misspelled my name
on the prenup.
154
00:06:35,027 --> 00:06:36,392
We'll live like kings.
155
00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:39,298
Are you really
asking me to stay?
156
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:42,027
Yes, I mean, we've shared
so much over the years.
157
00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:43,932
We can't just
throw it away like a...
158
00:06:44,036 --> 00:06:45,901
a long-running hit
television show
159
00:06:46,005 --> 00:06:47,768
that still pulls in
a pretty decent audience.
160
00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:52,077
I suppose it is something
to think about.
161
00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:54,079
I mean, for the first time
in a long time,
162
00:06:54,213 --> 00:06:56,044
neither one of us
is seeing anybody else.
163
00:06:56,182 --> 00:06:58,878
Hey, do you need a
bedazzled iPhone case?
164
00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:01,385
Wait, are you seeing someone?
165
00:07:01,521 --> 00:07:04,081
Yeah, yeah,
Alan Harper has two girlfriends.
166
00:07:04,223 --> 00:07:06,157
What else do I have?
167
00:07:06,325 --> 00:07:07,553
Good credit? Health insurance?
168
00:07:07,693 --> 00:07:08,682
A job?
169
00:07:11,330 --> 00:07:12,558
This is a lot to think about.
170
00:07:12,598 --> 00:07:13,724
I'm gonna need some time.
171
00:07:13,833 --> 00:07:15,494
Of course,
take all the time you need.
172
00:07:15,601 --> 00:07:17,296
Okay.
173
00:07:17,403 --> 00:07:18,802
Look, I really do need to go.
174
00:07:18,905 --> 00:07:20,304
And I really do need
my panties back.
175
00:07:20,473 --> 00:07:21,462
Oh.
176
00:07:23,209 --> 00:07:24,301
Hey, Walden.
177
00:07:25,511 --> 00:07:26,705
Lyndsey?
178
00:07:26,813 --> 00:07:29,008
Are you coming out
of Alan's room?
179
00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:31,309
- Uh-huh.
- You drinking again?
180
00:07:31,417 --> 00:07:32,975
Do I need to take you
to a meeting?
181
00:07:33,085 --> 00:07:34,450
No, still sober.
182
00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:37,282
But I should apologize
for sleeping with your husband.
183
00:07:38,024 --> 00:07:39,582
Not the first time
I've said that.
184
00:07:39,692 --> 00:07:40,750
See ya.
185
00:07:40,860 --> 00:07:42,589
So, okay...
186
00:07:42,695 --> 00:07:43,787
Alan!
187
00:07:45,565 --> 00:07:46,657
Yeah?
188
00:07:46,833 --> 00:07:48,801
Are you having sex with Lyndsey
189
00:07:48,901 --> 00:07:51,096
while you're sleeping
with our social worker?
190
00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:53,172
Yeah, my pimp hand is strong.
191
00:07:54,941 --> 00:07:56,408
No, it's not!
192
00:07:57,009 --> 00:07:58,909
Look, look, this thing
with Lyndsey just happened.
193
00:07:59,078 --> 00:08:01,273
A... And, honestly,
l... I'm glad it did.
194
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,373
L... I really want her
to give us another shot.
195
00:08:03,449 --> 00:08:04,848
What about Ms. McMartin?!
196
00:08:04,951 --> 00:08:06,316
We're not that serious.
197
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,784
Plus, she doesn't get me
like Lyndsey gets me.
198
00:08:08,888 --> 00:08:10,617
When I try to put
Ms. McMartin's panties on,
199
00:08:10,723 --> 00:08:12,657
she looks at me like
I'm some kind of weirdo.
200
00:08:12,758 --> 00:08:14,953
Kind of like how I'm looking
at you right now?!
201
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:17,360
Look, I'm gonna see
Ms. McMartin tonight,
202
00:08:17,463 --> 00:08:18,555
and l... I'll tell her it's over.
203
00:08:18,731 --> 00:08:20,961
She's gonna be upset.
Nobody likes getting dumped.
204
00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:22,193
She'll be fine.
205
00:08:22,368 --> 00:08:23,995
I mean, you've seen
how she looks at me.
206
00:08:24,103 --> 00:08:25,900
That's not love.
That's not even like.
207
00:08:26,038 --> 00:08:27,369
That's... if we run
into anyone I know,
208
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:28,872
I'm pretending that
you're my slow brother.
209
00:08:28,975 --> 00:08:30,408
Alan?
210
00:08:31,110 --> 00:08:34,443
I want you to get your penis
out of my business.
211
00:08:34,580 --> 00:08:37,572
Change "business" to "turkey,"
212
00:08:37,717 --> 00:08:38,843
and it's the story
213
00:08:39,018 --> 00:08:41,509
of how a 13-year-old boy named
Alan ruined Thanksgiving.
214
00:08:46,392 --> 00:08:47,882
What looks good?
215
00:08:47,994 --> 00:08:49,461
And don't say my boobs.
216
00:08:49,562 --> 00:08:51,496
Cute. Funny.
217
00:08:51,697 --> 00:08:52,789
Boobs.
218
00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:55,127
Um, can we talk?
219
00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:57,294
What's wrong?
Is it the restaurant?
220
00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:58,629
It's not too pricy, is it?
221
00:08:58,738 --> 00:09:00,228
It only had
one dollar sign on Yelp.
222
00:09:00,439 --> 00:09:01,963
N... N... No, it's not that.
223
00:09:02,108 --> 00:09:04,633
Although, $14 for tilapia?
224
00:09:04,710 --> 00:09:06,575
Sounds to me like a
beer-battered rip-off.
225
00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:08,077
Then what's going on?
226
00:09:08,180 --> 00:09:09,772
Here's the thing.
227
00:09:10,449 --> 00:09:11,939
I really like you,
it's just that...
228
00:09:12,118 --> 00:09:14,416
Oh, my God, are you
breaking up with me?
229
00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:15,953
Wow, Band-Aid off.
230
00:09:16,055 --> 00:09:17,784
Seriously?
You?
231
00:09:17,857 --> 00:09:19,154
Breaking up with me?
232
00:09:19,258 --> 00:09:20,316
That?
233
00:09:20,459 --> 00:09:21,858
Breaking up with this?
234
00:09:21,961 --> 00:09:23,189
Hey, hey, there's
no need to point.
235
00:09:23,296 --> 00:09:24,923
I mean we both could
be in better shape.
236
00:09:25,097 --> 00:09:27,156
There is only one person
at this table wearing Spanx,
237
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:28,392
and it is not me.
238
00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:30,093
Could you keep it down?
People are starting to look.
239
00:09:30,202 --> 00:09:31,226
Well, they're probably wondering
240
00:09:31,337 --> 00:09:32,964
why the old man
and his nurse are arguing.
241
00:09:33,072 --> 00:09:35,063
Hey, I am not that
much older than you.
242
00:09:35,174 --> 00:09:36,266
I'm 47.
243
00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:40,576
Great, you just lost
me my senior discount.
244
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:43,274
I knew dating you
was a bad idea.
245
00:09:43,382 --> 00:09:44,679
Yes, exactly.
246
00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:46,741
Louis and Walden are
the priority here.
247
00:09:46,852 --> 00:09:49,150
You and I should never have
complicated the adoption
248
00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:50,722
with our unbridled passion.
249
00:09:50,823 --> 00:09:52,051
We should have bridled.
250
00:09:52,158 --> 00:09:53,386
This was so stupid.
251
00:09:53,492 --> 00:09:54,686
I am so stupid.
252
00:09:54,860 --> 00:09:56,088
No, you're not stupid.
253
00:09:56,195 --> 00:09:57,924
You just let your unfettered
desire get the best of you.
254
00:09:58,030 --> 00:09:59,122
You should have fettered.
255
00:09:59,231 --> 00:10:01,222
You know what?
You're right.
256
00:10:01,367 --> 00:10:02,391
Ending this is a good thing.
257
00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:03,866
To be honest, I'm actually
a little relieved.
258
00:10:03,970 --> 00:10:05,733
Of course you are, you
just dodged a bullet...
259
00:10:05,838 --> 00:10:08,466
a cheap, middle-aged,
lactose-intolerant bullet.
260
00:10:20,286 --> 00:10:23,050
What is going on?
261
00:10:23,222 --> 00:10:24,484
I have no idea.
262
00:10:30,196 --> 00:10:31,527
Surprise!
263
00:10:31,697 --> 00:10:32,994
It's inspection time!
264
00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:44,943
Look at these sharp corners
on this table.
265
00:10:45,111 --> 00:10:46,703
No gate on the stairs.
266
00:10:46,846 --> 00:10:48,541
I see a lot of problems here.
267
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:50,309
A lot of problems.
268
00:10:50,416 --> 00:10:52,008
A lot of problems.
269
00:10:52,952 --> 00:10:56,080
Believe me,
I see the same problem.
270
00:10:56,255 --> 00:10:58,723
And I would like to help you
get rid of your problem,
271
00:10:58,858 --> 00:11:02,885
even if that means dumping
the problem's body in the ocean.
272
00:11:03,062 --> 00:11:05,326
If you think it's hard
getting me out of here alive,
273
00:11:05,431 --> 00:11:07,331
try getting rid of my ghost.
274
00:11:07,433 --> 00:11:10,425
Okay, obviously
this is not about the adoption.
275
00:11:10,536 --> 00:11:11,798
This is about us.
276
00:11:11,937 --> 00:11:14,030
Now, why don't we just
sit down and talk?
277
00:11:14,206 --> 00:11:15,332
Look at this.
278
00:11:15,441 --> 00:11:18,410
A weapon in the form of a toy?
279
00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:19,773
Is it loaded?
280
00:11:19,879 --> 00:11:21,574
Yes, it is!
281
00:11:21,714 --> 00:11:22,738
You have to be careful.
282
00:11:22,882 --> 00:11:24,281
You might hurt someone
you thought you cared about
283
00:11:24,383 --> 00:11:25,680
but were horribly deceived by.
284
00:11:25,718 --> 00:11:26,707
Okay, listen,
285
00:11:26,819 --> 00:11:28,878
I understand
that you are very upset.
286
00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:30,113
And I agree
287
00:11:30,222 --> 00:11:32,087
that we should take this
out on Alan.
288
00:11:32,825 --> 00:11:34,793
Your railings on the
deck are too low,
289
00:11:34,894 --> 00:11:36,828
there's no safety
glass on the fireplace
290
00:11:36,996 --> 00:11:39,556
and you have alcohol
291
00:11:39,765 --> 00:11:40,925
within a child's reach.
292
00:11:41,033 --> 00:11:42,364
We can, we can fix this.
293
00:11:43,302 --> 00:11:45,167
See? All gone.
294
00:11:45,337 --> 00:11:47,464
What kind of wine is that?
295
00:11:47,573 --> 00:11:50,133
Oh, uh...
It's instant.
296
00:11:50,242 --> 00:11:52,540
It comes in a packet.
Just add water.
297
00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:54,306
It's... it's like astronaut wine.
298
00:11:54,413 --> 00:11:57,211
And you're upset that
this guy broke up with you?
299
00:11:57,283 --> 00:11:58,841
The only thing I'm upset about
300
00:11:58,951 --> 00:12:01,442
is the litany of violations
I found here tonight.
301
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:04,318
You have 48 hours
to address these issues.
302
00:12:04,423 --> 00:12:05,481
Keep in mind:
303
00:12:05,624 --> 00:12:07,922
I can stop by anytime I see fit.
304
00:12:09,128 --> 00:12:11,562
Anytime.
305
00:12:16,135 --> 00:12:17,568
Okay, say what you will,
306
00:12:17,670 --> 00:12:18,932
but that exit was cool.
307
00:12:19,038 --> 00:12:20,471
Okay, you think she's angry now?
308
00:12:20,606 --> 00:12:22,073
What do you think
is gonna happen
309
00:12:22,141 --> 00:12:23,608
when she finds out
about you and Lyndsey?
310
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:26,177
Don't worry,
I'll apologize to Ms. McMartin,
311
00:12:26,345 --> 00:12:28,279
and then tomorrow, when I'm
having lunch with Lyndsey,
312
00:12:28,347 --> 00:12:29,507
I'll tell her we have to lay low
313
00:12:29,615 --> 00:12:30,604
until the adoption goes through.
314
00:12:30,716 --> 00:12:33,048
No. I don't want you going
anywhere near Ms. McMartin.
315
00:12:33,152 --> 00:12:35,017
- But I think I can help...
- No!
316
00:12:35,121 --> 00:12:36,486
You've already done
enough damage.
317
00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:38,454
And I'm warning you,
you stay away.
318
00:12:38,557 --> 00:12:39,546
I am a billionaire
319
00:12:39,692 --> 00:12:41,523
and I can buy my way out
of at least one murder.
320
00:12:42,561 --> 00:12:43,721
This is still America.
321
00:12:47,166 --> 00:12:49,259
So, what looks good?
322
00:12:49,368 --> 00:12:51,302
And don't say my boobs.
323
00:12:51,403 --> 00:12:52,893
Why would I say "my boobs"
324
00:12:53,005 --> 00:12:54,404
when it's your boobs
that I like?
325
00:12:55,841 --> 00:12:57,206
Have you thought about us?
326
00:12:57,309 --> 00:12:58,537
Yes.
327
00:12:58,644 --> 00:12:59,702
I want to give it a try.
328
00:12:59,812 --> 00:13:00,779
You do?!
329
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:02,006
- That is so great.
- I know!
330
00:13:02,114 --> 00:13:04,514
The rest of our life together
starts right now.
331
00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:05,675
Yes!
332
00:13:05,851 --> 00:13:07,546
Or in three weeks, when
I can see you again.
333
00:13:07,686 --> 00:13:08,675
What?
334
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:10,813
Well, Walden is worried
about the adoption.
335
00:13:10,956 --> 00:13:12,685
He doesn't want there to be
any complications.
336
00:13:12,825 --> 00:13:14,224
So he thinks I'll screw it up?
337
00:13:14,293 --> 00:13:15,885
No, he thinks I'll screw it up.
338
00:13:15,995 --> 00:13:17,690
Oh, sure.
339
00:13:17,830 --> 00:13:19,457
So I just think
it's better if we lay low
340
00:13:19,565 --> 00:13:20,725
until after the court date.
341
00:13:20,833 --> 00:13:21,891
I understand.
342
00:13:22,034 --> 00:13:24,093
Is that why we drove
an hour away from the ocean
343
00:13:24,203 --> 00:13:25,568
to go to a seafood restaurant?
344
00:13:25,704 --> 00:13:27,729
That and...
345
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,104
no corkage fee.
346
00:13:31,043 --> 00:13:34,103
Oh, a Pinot.
347
00:13:37,316 --> 00:13:39,511
Oh... You don't mind
if I drink, do you?
348
00:13:39,618 --> 00:13:42,610
I can honestly say
I've never been less tempted.
349
00:13:42,721 --> 00:13:44,450
Good legs...
350
00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:46,047
mmm, full body...
351
00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:48,351
goes down easy.
352
00:13:48,460 --> 00:13:51,156
They should call this
"The Lyndsey Special."
353
00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:52,490
Cute.
354
00:13:53,766 --> 00:13:56,098
You know, l... I certainly
wouldn't want to do anything
355
00:13:56,235 --> 00:13:57,327
to jeopardize the adoption.
356
00:13:57,436 --> 00:13:59,529
And taking it slow
is probably better for us, too.
357
00:13:59,638 --> 00:14:03,233
Oh! Lyndsey plus Alan
equals "us."
358
00:14:03,442 --> 00:14:04,807
Aw...
359
00:14:06,111 --> 00:14:08,272
Hello, Alan.
360
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:11,013
Good God!
361
00:14:11,150 --> 00:14:12,708
What... what are
you doing here?
362
00:14:12,952 --> 00:14:15,614
And... and how do you keep making
these dramatic entrances?
363
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:17,845
Who is this?
364
00:14:17,957 --> 00:14:20,653
Oh, uh...
Th... this is... is Lyndsey.
365
00:14:20,759 --> 00:14:23,319
Lyndsey, this is Ms. McMartin,
366
00:14:23,429 --> 00:14:24,691
our social worker.
367
00:14:24,797 --> 00:14:28,289
Remember, I told you
about her and the adoption?
368
00:14:29,668 --> 00:14:32,569
Lyndsey is my cousin,
369
00:14:32,671 --> 00:14:36,004
from Cedar Rapids, Iowa.
370
00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:37,232
What?
371
00:14:37,343 --> 00:14:39,072
So you make out
with your cousin?
372
00:14:39,245 --> 00:14:41,907
I said she was from Iowa.
373
00:14:42,615 --> 00:14:44,139
Is this why you
broke up with me?
374
00:14:44,283 --> 00:14:45,375
For her?
375
00:14:45,484 --> 00:14:46,451
Hold on.
376
00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:48,018
You're dating
your social worker?
377
00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:49,087
He was.
378
00:14:49,221 --> 00:14:50,415
Till he dumped me last night.
379
00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:52,114
Was it just last night?
380
00:14:52,224 --> 00:14:53,418
You said you were single.
381
00:14:53,626 --> 00:14:55,059
Did I say I was single?
382
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:56,559
Yeah.
Right after we had sex.
383
00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:58,026
Did we have sex?
384
00:14:58,430 --> 00:14:59,761
You had sex with her?
385
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,799
Did I have sex with her?
386
00:15:02,334 --> 00:15:04,598
You jackass!
387
00:15:08,540 --> 00:15:11,634
Chicks.
388
00:15:11,777 --> 00:15:14,177
Crazy in the head,
crazy in the bed, am I right?
389
00:15:16,181 --> 00:15:17,944
Lyndsey... Lyndsey, wait!
390
00:15:20,619 --> 00:15:22,746
I banged both of them.
391
00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:24,015
Ain't no thang.
392
00:15:28,894 --> 00:15:31,226
Hey.
393
00:15:31,363 --> 00:15:33,422
Hey, did you...
see Lyndsey?
394
00:15:33,565 --> 00:15:34,827
Yes, I did.
395
00:15:34,967 --> 00:15:37,026
And she was totally cool
with taking it slow
396
00:15:37,136 --> 00:15:38,160
until the adoption is done.
397
00:15:38,237 --> 00:15:39,329
Good. And thank you.
398
00:15:39,371 --> 00:15:41,862
Yeah, you may not want
to thank me just yet. Um...
399
00:15:43,442 --> 00:15:46,605
Please tell me that
that is your blood
400
00:15:46,712 --> 00:15:48,009
and not powdered wine.
401
00:15:48,113 --> 00:15:49,944
I... It's not my fault.
402
00:15:50,049 --> 00:15:51,983
- Ms. McMartin showed up.
- What?
403
00:15:52,084 --> 00:15:53,551
She followed me.
She's gone crazy.
404
00:15:53,686 --> 00:15:56,678
No, she hasn't "gone crazy."
405
00:15:56,855 --> 00:15:59,050
You drove her crazy.
406
00:15:59,191 --> 00:16:02,319
You make people crazy!
407
00:16:02,428 --> 00:16:04,555
That... that's a little unfair.
408
00:16:04,663 --> 00:16:06,028
I mean,
I grant you that, you know,
409
00:16:06,131 --> 00:16:08,031
maybe it was a mistake
to sleep with her,
410
00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:09,657
but when a woman has five cats,
411
00:16:09,768 --> 00:16:11,793
she doesn't have
to be "made crazy."
412
00:16:11,870 --> 00:16:13,030
You know what? You're right.
413
00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:14,571
This... this... this is my fault.
414
00:16:14,673 --> 00:16:15,901
I'm the one
who made the mistake.
415
00:16:16,075 --> 00:16:17,269
- You are?
- Yes.
416
00:16:17,343 --> 00:16:19,368
I mistakenly thought
that you were
417
00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:21,946
a capable,
competent human being,
418
00:16:22,014 --> 00:16:24,141
able to handle
a simple situation
419
00:16:24,216 --> 00:16:28,118
without destroying
the life of everyone around you.
420
00:16:28,854 --> 00:16:30,185
Boy, if I had a dollar
421
00:16:30,289 --> 00:16:32,348
for every time
someone has said that to me.
422
00:16:32,458 --> 00:16:34,619
But seriously, seriously,
I... I will fix this.
423
00:16:34,727 --> 00:16:36,854
Oh, great.
424
00:16:36,962 --> 00:16:38,224
- You're gonna fix this.
- Yeah.
425
00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:39,854
I mean, why was I worried?
426
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:41,261
Have no fear!
427
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:42,867
Alan is here!
428
00:16:45,137 --> 00:16:46,900
Hey! Hey, everyone!
429
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:48,405
Don't worry!
430
00:16:48,507 --> 00:16:49,838
Alan's gonna fix it!
431
00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:53,273
Sailors at sea,
432
00:16:53,379 --> 00:16:55,711
throw away your life vests!
433
00:16:56,215 --> 00:16:57,682
You don't need them!
434
00:16:57,783 --> 00:17:01,344
'Cause Alan is gonna
fix everything!
435
00:17:16,568 --> 00:17:18,195
Maybe I do make people crazy.
436
00:17:26,578 --> 00:17:28,136
Walden?
What are you doing here?
437
00:17:28,247 --> 00:17:31,375
I am on the
"Alan Harper Apology Tour."
438
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:34,349
But this is gonna require
439
00:17:34,453 --> 00:17:35,511
a little bit of
audience participation.
440
00:17:35,621 --> 00:17:37,680
When I say "Alan,"
you say "idiot."
441
00:17:37,823 --> 00:17:39,415
- Alan.
- Idiot.
442
00:17:39,491 --> 00:17:41,118
- Alan.
- Idiot.
443
00:17:41,226 --> 00:17:42,454
This is fun. Come in.
444
00:17:44,763 --> 00:17:46,526
Wow, this is nice.
445
00:17:46,632 --> 00:17:49,260
And it doesn't smell
like cat urine at all.
446
00:17:49,368 --> 00:17:51,097
So what do you want, Walden?
447
00:17:51,203 --> 00:17:52,932
I realize that Alan...
448
00:17:53,038 --> 00:17:54,062
Idiot.
449
00:17:55,841 --> 00:17:59,242
Look, I... I realize that
he can do some stupid things.
450
00:17:59,344 --> 00:18:01,676
And I'm... I'm sure you've seen
his helicopter dance,
451
00:18:01,780 --> 00:18:03,748
where he uses his penis
as the propeller.
452
00:18:05,050 --> 00:18:06,210
Actually, I haven't.
453
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:08,845
Neither have I.
454
00:18:10,456 --> 00:18:12,754
I realize how angry
you must be with him.
455
00:18:12,825 --> 00:18:14,224
But that has nothing to do
456
00:18:14,326 --> 00:18:15,725
with the kind of father
I can be to Louis.
457
00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:17,022
I know that.
458
00:18:17,162 --> 00:18:18,186
It's just that Alan...
459
00:18:18,330 --> 00:18:19,297
Idiot.
460
00:18:19,398 --> 00:18:20,763
Ha!
461
00:18:20,866 --> 00:18:22,197
He makes me crazy.
462
00:18:22,301 --> 00:18:23,598
I... I just said that!
463
00:18:23,702 --> 00:18:25,363
In... in fact, I hit a lifeguard
464
00:18:25,471 --> 00:18:27,336
with a patio chair saying that.
465
00:18:27,873 --> 00:18:29,807
Look, Walden,
at the end of the day,
466
00:18:29,908 --> 00:18:31,933
I'm not gonna let my anger
prevent a child
467
00:18:32,077 --> 00:18:33,669
from being placed
in a good home.
468
00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:34,803
Thank God.
469
00:18:34,913 --> 00:18:37,347
I just... I've never realized
470
00:18:37,516 --> 00:18:39,541
how much another person
can mean to me.
471
00:18:39,651 --> 00:18:41,346
That is so sweet.
472
00:18:43,055 --> 00:18:44,716
Why can't anybody
473
00:18:44,823 --> 00:18:46,450
ever think that about me?
474
00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:49,687
I am such a loser!
475
00:18:50,395 --> 00:18:52,989
No, you're not a loser,
Ms. McMartin.
476
00:18:53,098 --> 00:18:54,326
Yes, I am!
477
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:56,963
I thought I hit rock bottom
478
00:18:57,069 --> 00:18:59,936
by dating an old guy
who can't get a boner.
479
00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:05,372
It turns out, rock bottom
is getting dumped
480
00:19:05,477 --> 00:19:07,707
by the old guy
who can't get a boner.
481
00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:11,442
What is wrong with me?
482
00:19:11,583 --> 00:19:12,777
Nothing.
483
00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:15,385
Come on, you're smart
and you're fun...
484
00:19:15,521 --> 00:19:16,954
And by the way,
485
00:19:17,055 --> 00:19:18,682
you are way too pretty for Alan.
486
00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:22,793
So are you.
487
00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:23,919
See?
488
00:19:24,029 --> 00:19:25,519
Now there's that smile.
489
00:19:25,631 --> 00:19:26,962
Come on, now, now...
490
00:19:27,065 --> 00:19:29,090
any guy would be lucky
to be with you.
491
00:19:29,201 --> 00:19:30,600
You're just saying that.
492
00:19:30,702 --> 00:19:31,828
No, you're awesome.
493
00:19:31,937 --> 00:19:33,529
And what you do for a living,
helping those kids,
494
00:19:33,672 --> 00:19:35,037
changing their lives,
495
00:19:35,140 --> 00:19:36,835
putting your hand on my leg...
496
00:19:40,212 --> 00:19:42,772
Wow.
497
00:19:42,948 --> 00:19:44,779
I can't believe this.
498
00:19:44,883 --> 00:19:47,010
You're not the only one.
499
00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:48,416
I don't want you to worry.
500
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:49,817
I'm not going to let the fact
501
00:19:49,922 --> 00:19:52,152
that we are in a relationship
affect Louis.
502
00:19:52,257 --> 00:19:54,725
Learned that lesson, am I right?
503
00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:57,356
Yeah.
504
00:19:58,363 --> 00:19:59,330
Relationship?
505
00:20:00,766 --> 00:20:02,131
Okay.
506
00:20:02,234 --> 00:20:05,135
- I am going to go...
- Where?
507
00:20:05,237 --> 00:20:06,898
Where are you going?
508
00:20:07,005 --> 00:20:09,599
To the bathroom.
509
00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:11,642
Oh.
Okay.
510
00:20:12,744 --> 00:20:14,075
Hurry back.
511
00:20:15,013 --> 00:20:16,344
I'll miss you.
512
00:20:17,716 --> 00:20:19,377
I'll miss you, too.
513
00:20:22,588 --> 00:20:24,749
Ooh. It's a little
chilly out there.
514
00:20:24,856 --> 00:20:27,256
I'm gonna grab my pants.
515
00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:29,293
And my car keys.
516
00:20:43,442 --> 00:20:44,466
Alan?
517
00:20:54,800 --> 00:21:02,800
Ripped By mstoll