Hold on, mule Hold on, mule
Hold on, mule I'm goin', goin' down
Hold on, mule Hold on, mule
Hold on, mule I'm a-goin', goin' down
Goin' down Yes, ah
They got a place where you can throw glasses at walls to relieve your stress
and Dodge City has also got streets that have pavement on them
and there's a woman there who will tell you what your future is.
- There's a lot of stuff in Dodge City. - I'm gonna be your friend here for a second.
I'd love to hear all about your vacation at Dodge City. I'd love to.
And later, after we've both, you know,
received oral sex from the whores,
let's go back to my place, get under the new afghans that I just knitted
and you can tell me every single thing you did.
But right now, could we deal with,
I don't know, the carnage that's around us?
Sheriff, that's sort of the thing is I don't think I can do this anymore.
What are you talking about "do it"?
I just... I don't like fooling with dead bodies. I don't like being shot at.
- It's time for me to stop being a deputy. - What?
- I just don't think I'm a great deputy... - Whoa, you're quitting right now?
- No, not right now. I'm gonna resign. - Here?
Oh, so this is sort of a save-the-date conversation.
- Yeah. - Okay, thank you. Point taken.
Well, let's see what your employers think of your decision.
Let's ask this one right here.
You're employed by the citizens of Great Bend.
Let's see what Bart has to say.
"I have a serious problem with that." Why is that?
"Because someone shot me in the head and I wanna find out who did it."
You're using dead people as puppets to try to persuade me?
Yes. I'm sorry, I'm feeling a little stressed out
because I have six murders to solve
that I'm partially responsible for and a deputy who wants to quit.
How are you responsible for them? You're not responsible.
I am. Mayor Dodge came to me while you were on vacation.
Told me that the Central Pacific Railroad men were coming through town.
They're looking for a place to build a spur to to have another station.
As you know, that would turn Great Bend into a much bigger town. A big deal.
So the mayor wanted it real clean.
He had the idea of getting the lowest of the low, the scum,
the scoundrels, the man-whores, to get them out of town.
So he gave me silver dollars to give to each of them to come out here
and drink for a night or two while the railroad men looked at Great Bend.
Well, the silver dollars are still here so the motive wasn't money.
No, whoever killed them knew what they were doing.
Fortunately, at Harvard, I took a ballistics course.
So we're gonna use some trigonometry.
The old cosine and sine curves are gonna come in handy.
Get some straight sticks, I'll show you.
I don't know what I'm doing here, Hoyle.
This is ballistics, deputy, which amongst other things
is the science of determining the trajectory of projectiles.
And as these sticks placed in the wounds of our victims clearly demonstrate,
the shooter was up on that ridge.
- That belongs to Mayor Dodge. - It sure enough does.
The fact that that is Mayor Dodge's land,
the fact that Mayor Dodge explicitly asked me
to put the miscreants right here is too coincidental for my blood.
I think it's time we pay Mayor Dodge a little visit, sir.
It's called whiskey cobbler. And it has a little bit of dessert spices in it.
You know, pumpkin and nutmeg, so I think it might be just what you'd like. Cheers.
Oh, God, I have to clean this up. Hey, Pearl.
Hi. Wrote up my notice. I need a couple days off.
What? What are you talking about?
I have some family coming to town. Wondering if I could have a few days off.
Oh, come on, what am I supposed to do, Pearl?
I mean, do you know how many customers we have lined up for the next few days?
And I'm already short several girls.
You know, you heard about Wanda, she's got crotch rot.
Livinia got kicked by her horse.
And then, you know, I've got Willow who's decided she wants to be a mime.
So she's taking those lessons.
So if you don't get your shifts covered, then you can't be, you know,
spending time with these "relatives." Pardon me.
Fix that skirt, there's a stain all over the front.
We'll be using an interrogation technique
called "good lawman, bad lawman."
I'll be the bad one.
No, no, I was thinking I was gonna be bad. I'm the bad one.
But I think you'd make a better good lawman.
Well, I'm the more bad lawman of the two of us.
Look, I'm gonna be the bad lawman.
I'm pulling rank. Yes, I'm the bad lawman.
- Come in, please. - Mayor Dodge.
Gentlemen.
Why did you kill those poor miscreants down by the river?
- I didn't. I didn't. - You did.
You killed them and you're gonna hang.
I'm gonna cut out your heart, mayor. I'm gonna cut out your heart
and I'm gonna use the parts of it that are attached to it to strangle you.
- Whoa, what are you doing? - Well, I was being the bad lawman.
- No, I'm... We decided I'm the bad lawman. - We didn't decide, we suggested.
No, we decided when I said I'm going to...
- Stay right there. - Stay right there.
- I wanna come up. - No.
Not a chance.
- Paper, rock, scissors. - All right.
One, two, three, go.
- Okay, I'm bad. - It's all you do, scissors.
Does that look uneven to you?
Yeah.
Oh, don't you...
Listen, mayor, we will offer you immunity if you'll just talk.
- Who killed those miscreants? - I don't know, I don't know.
- Mayor, we can protect you if you'll talk. - And if you don't, we're gonna send you up.
What do you say? We'll trade you immunity,
- you just tell us who did it. - Tell him.
- Who did it? - It was Cole Younger.
Hoyle, get off of me.
All right, all right. Oh, no.
Why did you do it? Why did you kill those people?
- I didn't kill those people. - Why did you have Cole Younger do it?
I did not know he was going to kill them.
I took them out because they're an eyesore because the Central Pacific
is coming through town. But I had no intention of them being killed.
But I'm not completely upset that they're gone and I'll tell you why.
- It was musicians, it was... - My mother was a musician.
- You mother was a whore. - My girlfriend is a whore.
Now, why the hell would you be in cahoots with Cole Younger?
Cole and I are involved in a land venture
so we've been buying up property that is completely legal.
Uh-huh. I get it now. You used Cole's bank robbery money
and his muscle to get people off their lands
and you buy it up super cheap.
And when the railroad comes through, you're gonna make a fortune.
Cole Younger killed those miscreants because they're his competition.
Small-time criminals, but still his competition.
Ah. Very clever, mayor, I tip my hat off to you.
Don't...
All right, pull it apart. Pull it apart, Hoyle.
- Can I get another drink, sad face? - Yeah, what can I get you?
I'll take one of those whiskey cobblers.
Look like you're about to cry. What's wrong?
I just want a couple days off. I'm the hardest-working person here.
I sometimes do double-shifts. Do you know what that means?
- I can imagine. - Exactly.
Why won't she give you the time off?
Because I need someone to cover my shift.
But I'm supposed to find someone to be a prostitute for a couple days,
like that's something people wanna do.
Well, I wish I could help. To get paid to have sex with men...
- I wish I could help. - Yeah?
Yeah. When you are the solo homosexual in the town,
you don't get a lot of intimacy.
It's been a long time. A long time.
What if I told you you could cut that time short tonight?
I don't understand how this is gonna happen.
Citizens of Great Bend, Great Bendians, may I have your attention?
As most of you know, there was a horrible massacre down by the river.
We've discovered who did it, it's Cole Younger.
- Of course. - Yeah.
I have been able to ascertain Cole Younger's hideout.
Is he still at Deadman's Canyon out by Hayes?
Yeah, how do you know that?
Well, I mean, I've been servicing him out there,
you know, for several months now.
I've been searching for him this whole time.
For the past six months, I've been searching and searching and searching.
I'm not gonna hand out my client list. It's private information, Hoyle.
All right, well, now that we know where his hideout is,
it is time to take this man out. So who's with me?
- Raise your hand, Eli. - Well, I told you I was quitting.
Yes, but you told me after we were already into this crime.
- You have to finish the crime you're on. - Yeah.
Next crime, you can leave, all right?
Now, who's with us? Come on, let's get a posse.
Seriously?
No, no, he's right. We gotta go out and get him.
I'm sick of him taking out my best customers. And also my band.
- They were thieves but they were good. - Yeah.
I...
- Doog-doog-doog, doo-goo-doog-doog. - Mm.
- I can still hear it. - Yes.
Wait, what was that? Is that a banjo you're doing?
Yeah, it's the banjo solo, you know.
- Doog-doog? - Doo-goo-doog, doo-goo-doog-doog.
You know. You know. You never heard it?
You don't do... I'm just saying the sound you're making
doesn't indicate a banjo to me.
Oh, okay, well, let's hear your banjo impression.
- Oh, that's much better, right? - Yes.
- It's less clanky. - Okay, fine. Anyway,
this is it, volunteer time. And who's with me?
No, thank you.
Clay?
- Clay Tidwell? - Uh... Yeah.
- True. - Why are you dressed like a whore?
Pearl needed some time and someone had to step up, so I did.
I'll go on record as saying I never changed my voice
and I was completely naked and I am well-endowed.
I'm not sure why he's confused himself.
I had my face buried in a pillow. I had no idea what was happening.
- That's true. - You know what?
Mr. Tidwell here has given me an excellent idea.
- Oh, no, I prefer a larger man, I'm sorry. - No, no, no. Not that.
It's just I think we need an element of surprise
if we're going into Cole Younger's hideout.
Gather round, please.
Honey, I just don't feel good about you coming along.
I'm tougher than Shank.
I don't want you shot.
People are gonna get killed. Shank probably won't make it.
I don't think Cole Younger's gonna try and shoot me.
Can I state for the group I do not wanna be buried in this outfit.
Now, remember, for this Trojan whore plan to work,
you've gotta convince them you're actually ladies.
I don't know. I just... I'm not sure if any of you are gonna pass.
- Let's go back, let's not do it. - No, no, we're going. We're going.
This is our only way. What, you wanna go in guns a-blazing?
I know I can convince them. I don't think you guys...
Can you not use your real voices? Bring your voices up.
Just try and model yourselves after me, okay?
- Well, there's no way we can touch that. - I'm saying just act like me.
- Don't be false. - Well, hey, Honey.
- Well, hi there. - Hi.
What is all this we have here?
I thought your men might like something different this time.
So I went and got some real exotics from Kansas City
and they all know special tricks.
We love to fornicate.
- Oh, my. - I'm a dancer.
They're bold women.
- What is your name? - Me?
- Oh, I'm... - No, no, not you three. You.
- Oh. - You're kidding.
You want this one?
Oh, yeah, there's something vaguely familiar about you.
You remind of road kill and childhood.
Eliza is my most delicate flower so you have to take good care of her.
Oh, man, things do get rough out here.
Let's get you out of this cart and into my tent
where I can do things to your face.
All right, ladies, let's get to work.
- Let's go do that. Everybody? - Time to...
All right, boys, this one is mine but help yourselves to the whole rest of them.
I'll take you.
I don't have a very big butt, but I...
How about we put on a show, girls?
How about we put on a show?
Show, show, show.
Okay, fellas, just line up. Okay?
Show. Showtime.
- Good. Good time for a show. - You fellas line up.
We have got a treat for you.
Yeah. All right!
- Yeah. - So, all we need you to do
is just drop your drawers.
- Drop them. - Drop those drawers, boys.
These men are ready.
- You ready to see what's inside ours? - Yeah, let's.
- All right. - All right, let's get going.
- Hold it right there. - Ugh!
I'm Sheriff John Henry Hoyle. You are under arrest.
This is the posse of Great Bend. Don't move.
- Well, that means you're Eli. - Well, yeah, Ephraim.
- You lied to me. - Well, I'm sorry about that.
You're not a girl, you got guy parts that were gonna be in my guy parts.
- You can't put sticks into sticks. - All right, Ephraim, calm down.
No amount of turpentine's gonna get my lips normal.
- I wouldn't put turpentine on your lips. - That's a terrible...
I wouldn't put another guys lips on my lips,
but it done happened, didn't it?
- All right, calm down, Ephraim. - I can't calm down.
- I chewed on a mint leaf. - I'm gonna chew on your face.
Don't do it, Ephraim.
I'm ready...
- I'm done. No, I'm done. - Tidwell.
- No, I'm done. - Tidwell.
Tidwell, get back here.
Come on, Eli.
Eli, this is dynamite.
Get out, get out.
I surrender. I surrender.
Come out real easy-like.
Drop the gun, Ephraim.
Ahh. Wish he'd thrown it further.
- You want me to go to it so I can kick it? - No, no, forget it. Is it far enough?
- It's a good distance. - Where is Cole Younger?
- Aah! - Here I am, Hoyle.
Right here. Ha-ha-ha.
- Pearl. - You all right, Pearl?
You want the girl?
- Let her go. - Why don't you come get her, huh?
Ha-ha-ha. Come on. Come and get her.
- I'm going in. - All right. I'll watch Ephraim.
- I soiled myself back there. - Jesus.
Can someone else watch me instead of this liar?
Look, I apologized already for the deception.
I do not like you anymore.
Ride back could be a little rough.
- Let me go. - Let her go, Cole.
- You put it down, Hoyle. - Let her go!
You put the gun down now.
And let's talk.
If you kill her, Eli will shoot Ephraim.
Ha-ha-ha. Why would I kill my own daughter?
- What? - It's true. I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
- Pearl. - That's right.
Way back before you was running around Harvard,
I was back here with old Belle Star.
- Maybe you know her. Myra. - My wife?
Yeah, your wife.
Me, Belle, the James boys, having a good old time.
Yeah, then I heard she tried to go straight
and run around with some little fancy pants from Harvard.
Well, you know what I did?
I went out to Cambridge and I shot her. I shot her in the back.
- You killed Myra? - You killed her?
- Give her back.
No. You put that gun down or I'll shoot her, I swear I'll shoot her.
You're not my father. He was more of a father to me than you ever were.
Look at him. He's in a dress. He ain't much of a father right now, is he?
Don't you hurt her.
You want her, well, you can have her.
I'm telling you, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
People see you carrying it, it makes me look...
They know I'm stronger, Hoyle.
- Oh. What are you doing here? - Well...
- You quit. - Yeah. I sort of quit.
No, no, "Sheriff Hoyle, I'm leaving" is a direct quit statement.
Well, so I decided to unquit just because I thought...
You know, Pearl and I have something I think is developing.
- Oh, really? - Sort of a little seed of love.
- Is this true? - It's a maybe.
- Maybe? - It's a maybe.
- You could have anything. - See, that hurts me.
No offense, but she... This is my stepdaughter and she has...
The sky is the limit. I have some friends back in Cambridge,
they're in global politics, they're...
- Accounting. - Oh, really? That sounds good.
Well, I'm not setting you up... I'm not setting you up with anybody.
Oh, I'm sorry, she's the only one that deserves more.
- No. - That sounded kind of good to me.
I am presenting myself as a candidate for you.
I understand and I'm holding the bread basket.
- I'm giving you a shot. - Our first date.
We're going up to the hanging tree to eat some casserole and then have sex.
See, I was negotiating the possibility of a time when we might do something like that.
All right, well, Eli, if you're gonna stay here,
I'm telling you I need somebody who will commit, okay?
That means you're by my side as we track and kill,
- or at least apprehend Cole Younger. - I'm ready. I can do that.
- I'm sorry, I know he's your father. - No, he's not my father.
I hope you catch him. Sorry I never told you before.
Well, I can understand. I mean, it was a shocker.
Wow.
I mean, the first thing that came to my mind
is what else is she not telling me, you know?
Her father is the guy who wants to kill me. What else, you know?
- Is there anything else? - Nope.
Nothing else.
We're gonna head out on a picnic. You're invited up once we're done...
I've got whiskey and I've got wine and I've got apple jack and apple cider
- and just some apple juice. - Did you bring gin?
Should I go back? I can go back and get some more.
And no condom.
Wow. Mm-hm.
- One shot. - Okay, I just finished right now.
- So that just... - Oh.
Well, do you wanna just go eat all the casserole
- and the flapjacks anyway? - Jesus.
- Don't worry about it. - It's just the idea of not using a condom
- is just too much. - It's exciting.
- I got work. - What do you mean you got work?
So I wanna start up...
- Sheriff. - Sheriff.
- Shank. - You know Clay Tidwell.
- Hello. - Of course.
- Care to join us for a whiskey cobbler? - We're going on a picnic.
- We're gonna fornicate. For free. - Terrific.
- One time. - Good for you.
- Bye-bye. - Have fun.
Thank you.
That reminds me, I meant to tell you,
I really liked the way you looked in that dress.
- Really? - I'd like you to wear it for me again.
I don't know, me kind of being the man for one night.
- I got the panties on right now. - Really?
Maybe with that weird zipper hood too.
No, that brings back too many bad memories for me.