1
00:00:02,182 --> 00:00:05,276
I am not impressed
with the talent in here tonight.
2
00:00:05,386 --> 00:00:07,877
And the more I drink,
the less attractive they get.
3
00:00:07,988 --> 00:00:11,719
I'm one Scotch and soda away
from the cantina scene in Star Wars.
4
00:00:11,825 --> 00:00:14,021
What about those girls over there?
They're hot.
5
00:00:14,129 --> 00:00:15,756
- They're not hot.
- Are you kidding?
6
00:00:15,864 --> 00:00:19,391
I hated their guts the second I saw them.
Which means they're hot.
7
00:00:19,501 --> 00:00:23,460
In fact, I hated them almost as much as
I hated Robin when I first met her.
8
00:00:23,571 --> 00:00:25,471
- You hated me?
- A lot.
9
00:00:25,573 --> 00:00:27,507
Aw.
10
00:00:27,642 --> 00:00:29,610
Barney, they're hot.
11
00:00:29,944 --> 00:00:32,412
Oh, there is so much to teach you all.
12
00:00:32,514 --> 00:00:36,951
You have just become victims of
the cheerleader effect.
13
00:00:37,051 --> 00:00:38,986
Glad you asked. The cheerleader effect
14
00:00:39,088 --> 00:00:43,024
is when group of women seems hot
but only as a group.
15
00:00:43,125 --> 00:00:44,251
Just like with cheerleaders.
16
00:00:44,360 --> 00:00:47,955
They seem hot,
but take each one of them individually?
17
00:00:48,063 --> 00:00:50,998
- Sled dogs.
- That's insane.
18
00:00:51,100 --> 00:00:53,500
Take a good, hard look
at each one of those girls.
19
00:00:53,602 --> 00:00:55,069
Individually.
20
00:01:13,623 --> 00:01:16,353
I don't know.
The one on the end is kind of cute.
21
00:01:16,460 --> 00:01:18,189
Yeah, she really is.
22
00:01:18,695 --> 00:01:21,220
And that, my friends,
is the cheerleader effect.
23
00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:23,959
Also known as the bridesmaid paradox,
24
00:01:24,067 --> 00:01:27,504
sorority girl syndrome,
and for a brief window in the mid-90s,
25
00:01:27,605 --> 00:01:31,405
the Spice Girls conspiracy.
Scary Spice indeed.
26
00:01:36,013 --> 00:01:41,974
Barney Stinson. Hi. Okay. Got it.
27
00:01:43,521 --> 00:01:45,580
Great, we'll be in touch.
28
00:01:46,958 --> 00:01:47,947
Hah.
29
00:01:48,059 --> 00:01:51,120
- What?
- Apparently, I'm gonna be a dad.
30
00:02:06,645 --> 00:02:09,478
What do you mean, you're gonna be a dad?
How did this happen?
31
00:02:09,581 --> 00:02:12,710
It was just some girl I hooked up with
a few weeks back.
32
00:02:12,819 --> 00:02:15,014
She's not sure. She's gonna go
to the doctor in the morning.
33
00:02:15,121 --> 00:02:17,954
Maybe it's a false alarm.
Maybe she's not pregnant.
34
00:02:18,057 --> 00:02:22,619
Lily, no part of Barney Stinson
does anything less than 110 percent.
35
00:02:22,729 --> 00:02:26,529
If one of my little Michael Phelpses
got loose, he's swimming for the gold.
36
00:02:26,933 --> 00:02:29,163
This is a nightmare. I don't want kids.
37
00:02:29,269 --> 00:02:32,238
Who in their right mind
would ever want kids?
38
00:02:32,505 --> 00:02:33,904
Now, when you turn 30 and you're
39
00:02:34,007 --> 00:02:35,872
in a couple, a strange thing happens.
40
00:02:36,744 --> 00:02:38,939
You start to see babies everywhere.
41
00:02:52,359 --> 00:02:53,792
Oh, come on.
44
00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:01,631
Did you lose a sock there, little dude?
45
00:03:03,438 --> 00:03:07,807
That is without a doubt
the cutest little thing I've ever seen.
46
00:03:07,909 --> 00:03:09,342
There's my little peanut.
47
00:03:09,444 --> 00:03:11,435
That night they sat down to have a serious,
48
00:03:11,546 --> 00:03:13,605
practical discussion about having kids.
49
00:03:13,715 --> 00:03:17,811
So, if we have a baby,
do you think you could work fewer hours?
50
00:03:17,919 --> 00:03:22,879
Doesn't matter. He's gonna be so cute,
I'm gonna eat him up on the first day.
51
00:03:22,991 --> 00:03:26,894
Okay. But what about money?
We're still in a ton of debt.
52
00:03:26,996 --> 00:03:30,898
Well, we'll count our overdue bills
on his teenie, tiny fingers.
53
00:03:31,968 --> 00:03:33,595
Let's have a baby.
54
00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:40,167
Oh, right now? Oh, okay.
55
00:03:41,444 --> 00:03:42,968
There was just one thing in their way.
56
00:03:43,079 --> 00:03:45,411
Scootch over, I TiVo'd The View.
57
00:03:46,917 --> 00:03:50,876
And that thing happened to be
unemployed and sleeping on their couch.
58
00:03:54,491 --> 00:03:58,552
So, Robin,
how's the job and apartment search going?
59
00:03:58,662 --> 00:04:01,324
Oh, you didn't hear?
I'm the lead anchor on CNN.
60
00:04:01,431 --> 00:04:05,299
And I got a penthouse
overlooking Central Park made of gold.
61
00:04:05,402 --> 00:04:08,098
Get your head out of your ass, Marshall.
62
00:04:08,505 --> 00:04:12,272
They realized if they were going to start
a family, they had to plan ahead.
63
00:04:12,377 --> 00:04:16,211
So, Robin, would you mind crashing
at Ted's tomorrow night?
64
00:04:16,314 --> 00:04:19,545
I'm cooking Marshall a special dinner.
65
00:04:19,651 --> 00:04:23,143
- Just dinner. That's it. Nothing else.
Fine.
66
00:04:23,254 --> 00:04:25,518
But you better not be
as uptight as these idiots
67
00:04:25,623 --> 00:04:27,454
about me shooting beer cans on the roof.
68
00:04:27,558 --> 00:04:31,426
"Oh, it hurts my ears.
The neighbors called the cops.
69
00:04:31,529 --> 00:04:33,429
"You almost hit me. "
70
00:04:33,531 --> 00:04:36,933
Enjoy her, Ted.
She's in a real good place right now.
71
00:04:40,272 --> 00:04:43,969
God, it's me, Barney. What up?
72
00:04:45,377 --> 00:04:47,345
I know we don't talk much,
73
00:04:47,446 --> 00:04:50,438
though a lot of girls
call out your name because of me.
74
00:04:50,549 --> 00:04:53,109
Awesome. But, God,
75
00:04:54,887 --> 00:04:57,651
if you could get me out of this,
76
00:04:57,756 --> 00:05:03,024
I swear I will never ever,
ever, ever, ever, ever, ever...
77
00:05:04,664 --> 00:05:05,688
I...
78
00:05:08,368 --> 00:05:11,667
Ooh! Hang on, bro. Go for Barney.
79
00:05:16,342 --> 00:05:17,366
Really?
80
00:05:26,554 --> 00:05:31,753
- Marshall, great news! I'm not a father!
- Congratulations, buddy.
81
00:05:31,859 --> 00:05:34,555
This is the happiest moment of my life,
Marshall.
82
00:05:34,662 --> 00:05:37,563
The way I feel about not having kids?
83
00:05:37,665 --> 00:05:40,031
I never knew
I could love something this much.
84
00:05:40,134 --> 00:05:43,126
That's why I'm creating a holiday.
85
00:05:43,237 --> 00:05:47,174
From now on, today will be known
as "Not a Father's Day. "
86
00:05:47,275 --> 00:05:49,175
Wow. You're creating a holiday?
87
00:05:49,277 --> 00:05:53,543
Yeah, why not? Everyone else gets a day.
Mothers, fathers, Bastilles.
88
00:05:53,648 --> 00:05:56,879
Why can't there be a day for people
who are single and like it that way?
89
00:05:56,985 --> 00:06:00,216
Well, now you just sound like
the chubby girl on Valentine's Day.
90
00:06:00,322 --> 00:06:03,348
- Hello, Stinson.
- Hey, Nolan. How are the kids?
91
00:06:05,827 --> 00:06:08,295
You ready for tonight, Eriksen?
Big merger.
92
00:06:08,396 --> 00:06:11,730
Well, that's between me and my wife, sir.
93
00:06:11,834 --> 00:06:14,098
No. The meeting with Mr. Li. Tonight.
94
00:06:14,203 --> 00:06:16,967
- I thought that was a breakfast meeting.
- It is. Breakfast in China.
95
00:06:17,073 --> 00:06:20,941
We're teleconferencing with the Chinese.
I'm counting on you, kid.
96
00:06:24,247 --> 00:06:26,374
- Marshall?
- Hey, babe.
97
00:06:26,849 --> 00:06:29,977
- It's breakfast time in China.
- Yeah, it is.
98
00:06:30,119 --> 00:06:32,383
Not a euphemism. Look, I...
99
00:06:32,723 --> 00:06:36,454
- Wait, what would that even mean?
- I don't know, hot buns, spicy pork?
100
00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:40,758
There's something there.
You're not coming home tonight, are you?
101
00:06:42,766 --> 00:06:44,427
Are you shaking your head no?
102
00:06:46,370 --> 00:06:48,031
I thought so.
103
00:06:49,506 --> 00:06:51,667
Thank you, guys,
for coming over so fast.
104
00:06:51,775 --> 00:06:54,243
Yeah, are you all right?
You sounded upset on the phone.
105
00:06:54,344 --> 00:06:59,578
Marshall and I made this big decision
to have dinner.
106
00:06:59,684 --> 00:07:03,381
And I thought I was ready to have dinner.
107
00:07:03,488 --> 00:07:06,355
But then he called and canceled,
and it got me thinking.
108
00:07:06,457 --> 00:07:09,517
Is it too early for us to have dinner?
109
00:07:10,495 --> 00:07:12,156
Well, I had an early lunch,
so I'm ready for dinner.
110
00:07:12,263 --> 00:07:15,061
- Dinner is a baby!
- Lily, that's horrible!
111
00:07:15,834 --> 00:07:19,292
No, no, I need you guys
to figure something out for me.
112
00:07:19,404 --> 00:07:23,501
- What?
- Are Marshall and I ready to have a baby?
113
00:07:28,547 --> 00:07:32,005
So are Marshall and I ready
to have a baby or not?
114
00:07:32,117 --> 00:07:34,483
Lily, we can't make this decision for you.
115
00:07:34,587 --> 00:07:36,248
- It's huge.
- You know what else is huge?
116
00:07:36,355 --> 00:07:39,984
Marshall's head. That thing's the size
of a late August watermelon.
117
00:07:40,092 --> 00:07:42,117
Marshall's baby coming through there?
118
00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:45,522
What does Marshall think?
119
00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:50,296
Probably a lot in that 1950s space helmet
of a head he's walking around with.
120
00:07:50,437 --> 00:07:52,405
Marshall's really excited.
121
00:07:52,505 --> 00:07:55,406
But I think he only sees
what's cute about having a baby,
122
00:07:55,508 --> 00:07:56,668
not what's hard about it.
123
00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:59,841
Like the other day, while Marshall
was playing with baby Jeremy,
124
00:07:59,946 --> 00:08:01,538
I was talking to Jeremy's mom.
125
00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,081
Thanks so much for inviting us over.
126
00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:05,208
I have not talked to another adult in,
like, weeks.
127
00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:07,583
Well, besides my husband.
But "It's your turn to change him"
128
00:08:07,688 --> 00:08:10,714
and "Make him shut up"
really doesn't count as conversation.
129
00:08:10,825 --> 00:08:12,884
Sorry, I'm rambling.
I haven't gotten laid in seven months.
130
00:08:12,994 --> 00:08:15,963
Oh! I just did it again! Sleep deprivation!
131
00:08:17,331 --> 00:08:22,564
Wait, I'm not crying, am I? I usually am.
I don't mean to complain. Now I feel bad!
132
00:08:22,737 --> 00:08:27,174
Oh! There's my little peanut!
I love you so much!
133
00:08:27,808 --> 00:08:31,711
I'm going to be as strung out as Charlotte.
Worse actually.
134
00:08:31,813 --> 00:08:33,781
At least her husband works from home.
135
00:08:33,882 --> 00:08:37,045
I mean, he's a pot dealer,
but he's a very involved parent.
136
00:08:37,152 --> 00:08:40,952
- Marshall will be a great dad.
- Marshall's always at the office,
137
00:08:41,056 --> 00:08:44,992
and I'm afraid that if we have a baby now,
all the work will fall on me.
138
00:08:45,093 --> 00:08:47,459
You're just panicking
and focusing on the downside.
139
00:08:47,562 --> 00:08:50,588
- I think Lily's just being realistic.
- See, this is good.
140
00:08:50,699 --> 00:08:53,259
This is why
I called you guys both over here.
141
00:08:53,368 --> 00:08:55,837
Ted, you're pro kids.
Robin, you're against.
142
00:08:55,939 --> 00:08:58,203
Counselors, opening statements.
143
00:08:58,441 --> 00:09:01,638
Okay, I know you're afraid
that you're not ready.
144
00:09:01,744 --> 00:09:04,770
But no one ever thinks they're ready.
You just have to take the leap.
145
00:09:04,881 --> 00:09:05,939
Parenthood will come naturally.
146
00:09:06,049 --> 00:09:07,949
Well, of course you think
it comes naturally.
147
00:09:08,051 --> 00:09:11,384
- You're basically a dad already.
- You're a total dad.
148
00:09:11,487 --> 00:09:14,149
- What are you talking about?
- Ted, think about it.
149
00:09:14,757 --> 00:09:17,021
You tell super corny dad jokes.
150
00:09:17,560 --> 00:09:19,051
Shredded tweet!
151
00:09:20,464 --> 00:09:23,228
Man! Shredded tweet.
152
00:09:24,601 --> 00:09:27,866
You lecture us, like when we broke
your stupid ship in a bottle.
153
00:09:27,972 --> 00:09:30,566
I'm not angry. I'm just disappointed.
154
00:09:31,775 --> 00:09:33,572
- She did it!
- Shut up!
155
00:09:35,045 --> 00:09:38,139
And you do that thing
all dads do with waitresses.
156
00:09:38,248 --> 00:09:40,512
Hi, I'm Lori.
I'll be your waitress this evening.
157
00:09:40,617 --> 00:09:44,076
Hi, Lori, I'm Ted.
I'll be your customer this evening.
158
00:09:44,923 --> 00:09:46,322
Hey, Lori, before you go, tell me,
159
00:09:46,424 --> 00:09:48,756
what do you get when you
cross a canary with a lawn mower?
160
00:09:48,860 --> 00:09:50,452
No hints. No hints.
161
00:09:50,895 --> 00:09:54,387
She's right.
Ted, you may be single and childless,
162
00:09:54,499 --> 00:09:57,662
but you're totally a dorky dad.
163
00:09:57,769 --> 00:10:00,499
I don't think I like your tone, young lady.
164
00:10:01,473 --> 00:10:04,135
Marshall, Not a Father's Day is a hit!
165
00:10:04,242 --> 00:10:06,973
Laraby and Finklestein
are helping me celebrate. Check it.
166
00:10:07,079 --> 00:10:09,775
"World's Greatest Not a Dad" mugs.
167
00:10:09,882 --> 00:10:13,079
There's
"Who's Not Your Daddy?" T-shirts.
168
00:10:13,185 --> 00:10:15,745
Both available at NotAFathersDay. com.
169
00:10:15,855 --> 00:10:18,016
Oh. Check out the greeting cards.
170
00:10:21,227 --> 00:10:25,721
"For everything you do for yourself,
for all the Scotch upon your shelf.
171
00:10:25,831 --> 00:10:30,701
"Your Porsche Carrera rules the freeway.
Here's wishing you an all-night three-way.
172
00:10:30,804 --> 00:10:34,331
- "Happy Not a Father's Day. "
- Check out the illustration.
173
00:10:35,108 --> 00:10:36,405
No, no.
174
00:10:36,943 --> 00:10:38,001
Oh.
175
00:10:38,745 --> 00:10:41,213
It appears to be some sort of Asian hooker.
176
00:10:41,314 --> 00:10:44,044
Yes. Because on Not a Father's Day,
177
00:10:44,151 --> 00:10:47,314
you get a Thai you'd actually wear.
Wordplay five!
178
00:10:49,122 --> 00:10:51,420
She's really kicking your ass here, Mosby.
179
00:10:51,525 --> 00:10:54,689
- Your only hope is to go negative.
- Okay.
180
00:10:54,796 --> 00:10:57,856
I'll tell you why
my opponent is saying all this.
181
00:10:57,965 --> 00:11:03,699
- Three words, scared of babies.
- What? That is crazy.
182
00:11:03,805 --> 00:11:05,170
- I am not.
- Yeah?
183
00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:07,608
Remember that time
you met my cousin and her kid?
184
00:11:07,708 --> 00:11:10,142
Oh, she is so cute.
185
00:11:10,244 --> 00:11:11,268
Aw!
186
00:11:11,379 --> 00:11:13,210
Oh. Do you want to hold her?
187
00:11:13,314 --> 00:11:14,747
Aw.
188
00:11:16,318 --> 00:11:19,583
Or the baby shower Lily threw
for her friend Erika?
189
00:11:21,490 --> 00:11:25,085
- Are you letting that baby sniff you?
- I don't want to get bitten.
190
00:11:26,261 --> 00:11:27,228
And don't forget about...
191
00:11:32,034 --> 00:11:35,299
- Talking baby commercial?
- Talking baby commercial.
192
00:11:36,238 --> 00:11:39,298
But you're not like that, Lily.
You love kids and they love you.
193
00:11:39,408 --> 00:11:43,243
Yes, I'm loveable, pretty and wise,
but is it enough?
194
00:11:43,346 --> 00:11:46,543
Look, it all comes down to one word. You.
195
00:11:46,649 --> 00:11:48,981
Are you ready to put
your own dreams on the back burner?
196
00:11:49,085 --> 00:11:51,553
Grad school,
teaching art at the college level?
197
00:11:51,654 --> 00:11:56,114
Look, you need to focus on Project Lily
before you can start Project Baby.
198
00:11:56,226 --> 00:11:58,217
If you don't, you'll always regret it.
199
00:11:58,328 --> 00:12:01,297
And that wouldn't be fair to you
or the baby.
200
00:12:02,799 --> 00:12:06,668
- What's that?
- It's Jeremy's sock.
201
00:12:08,539 --> 00:12:10,302
I'm having a baby.
202
00:12:10,674 --> 00:12:14,838
- But what about all the things I just said?
- But... But sock.
203
00:12:14,945 --> 00:12:17,243
But what about Marshall
working all the time?
204
00:12:17,348 --> 00:12:18,940
But sock.
205
00:12:19,316 --> 00:12:22,444
- But Project Lily!
- Little fishies on it.
206
00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:28,081
We made all of these arguments, and a
sock is what makes your decision for you?
207
00:12:28,793 --> 00:12:31,887
I guess that was the sock-out punch,
huh, Robin?
208
00:12:31,997 --> 00:12:35,023
- Shut up, Dad.
- You shut up, baby hater.
209
00:12:35,133 --> 00:12:38,102
Babies are scary, okay?
They have giant eyes.
210
00:12:38,203 --> 00:12:42,037
And then, come on, the soft spot?
If there's gonna be a self-destruct button,
211
00:12:42,140 --> 00:12:45,940
at least hide it somewhere
it won't accidentally get pressed.
212
00:12:47,078 --> 00:12:48,511
Where's Lily?
213
00:12:50,482 --> 00:12:51,677
Hey, did you drink any of this?
214
00:12:51,784 --> 00:12:53,775
- Not a drop.
- Me, neither.
215
00:12:56,722 --> 00:12:58,485
Eriksen, meeting in five minutes.
216
00:12:58,591 --> 00:13:01,253
And you'd better bring
your A-game for Mr. Li.
217
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:05,228
That guy haunts my nightmares.
Anyway, have fun out there, kid.
218
00:13:09,569 --> 00:13:12,333
Put a baby in me, Marshall. I'm ready.
219
00:13:19,313 --> 00:13:24,012
- Lily. Lily, what are you doing here?
- I'm ready, Marshall. Tonight's the night.
220
00:13:24,117 --> 00:13:27,314
Put your melon-headed spawn in my belly.
221
00:13:27,421 --> 00:13:29,480
- What?
- Yeah. Come on, right now.
222
00:13:29,590 --> 00:13:32,684
Baby me. I am ready. Hey, look.
223
00:13:33,460 --> 00:13:36,361
The guys in the next building
are waving at me.
224
00:13:36,463 --> 00:13:40,662
Hello, gentlemen!
We're gonna make a baby!
225
00:13:42,103 --> 00:13:44,469
I can't believe we lost her.
226
00:13:44,572 --> 00:13:46,472
See, this is exactly why
I'm never having kids.
227
00:13:46,574 --> 00:13:48,667
You can't let them out of your sight
for even a second.
228
00:13:48,776 --> 00:13:53,475
- I can't find my file.
- I pulled out A through G.
229
00:13:57,719 --> 00:14:00,017
They just sit there
with their stupid bottles.
230
00:14:02,958 --> 00:14:03,925
They cry.
231
00:14:13,335 --> 00:14:14,302
They spit up.
232
00:14:18,307 --> 00:14:21,708
- And that's why kids suck.
- Wow, it is a good thing we broke up.
233
00:14:21,810 --> 00:14:24,244
I forgot how totally psycho you are
on the kids thing.
234
00:14:24,346 --> 00:14:28,374
I'm psycho?
Any time you even hear the word "kids,"
235
00:14:28,485 --> 00:14:31,545
you get two little lactation stains
on your shirt.
236
00:14:31,655 --> 00:14:34,283
Thank God you're not a mom.
You are such an ice queen,
237
00:14:34,391 --> 00:14:37,451
any baby nursing from you
would get brain freeze.
238
00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:39,323
Look, don't paint me
as some sort of a freak
239
00:14:39,429 --> 00:14:40,828
for wanting to remain independent.
240
00:14:40,930 --> 00:14:43,330
There are plenty of normal people
out there who don't want to have kids.
241
00:14:43,433 --> 00:14:47,460
Brother, lay your hand on this
box of condoms and repeat after me.
242
00:14:47,971 --> 00:14:50,463
"I," state the fake name
you give to women...
243
00:14:50,574 --> 00:14:52,735
I, Johnny Banana.
244
00:14:53,411 --> 00:14:56,903
"... vow to always choose wet T-shirts
over wet diapers. "
245
00:14:57,014 --> 00:15:00,973
- Vow to always...
- Yeah, you're in great company there.
246
00:15:01,085 --> 00:15:02,814
I'm gonna look for Lily in the bathroom.
247
00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:05,252
- While I'm in there, I'll grab you a tampon.
- Great, great.
248
00:15:05,356 --> 00:15:07,085
And when you're done
shaking off at the urinal,
249
00:15:07,191 --> 00:15:09,557
maybe you could ask the wizard
to give you a heart.
250
00:15:09,660 --> 00:15:12,754
You know what? Maybe I should find
somewhere else to stay this weekend.
251
00:15:12,864 --> 00:15:13,990
- No argument here.
- Fine.
252
00:15:14,099 --> 00:15:15,123
Great.
253
00:15:15,367 --> 00:15:19,360
Welcome to our fraternity
of non-paternity.
254
00:15:19,938 --> 00:15:21,337
He is one of us.
255
00:15:21,740 --> 00:15:22,968
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
256
00:15:24,576 --> 00:15:27,136
Gentlemen, Mr. Li,
257
00:15:27,245 --> 00:15:30,476
if you would all please open to page five
of your merger documents.
258
00:15:30,582 --> 00:15:32,049
I think that you'll...
259
00:15:34,753 --> 00:15:36,243
Whoa!
260
00:15:36,355 --> 00:15:39,086
- What is it, Eriksen?
- Nothing.
261
00:15:39,192 --> 00:15:42,821
I just think that you look very nice today.
262
00:15:54,073 --> 00:15:58,510
- What are you looking at?
- I am looking at the future
263
00:15:59,912 --> 00:16:04,976
of our two companies,
and it looks very naked.
264
00:16:06,153 --> 00:16:09,145
Would you excuse me
just for a little, brief second?
265
00:16:12,726 --> 00:16:14,990
Did anyone else see the drunk chick?
266
00:16:16,764 --> 00:16:21,792
Hey, you guys didn't have to...
It's a picture of me with no kids.
267
00:16:21,902 --> 00:16:25,430
And there's macaroni glued on the frame.
Guys, I love it.
268
00:16:26,274 --> 00:16:28,003
Well, Lily's not in there.
269
00:16:28,109 --> 00:16:30,168
Your phone rang. I answered it.
I hope you don't mind.
270
00:16:30,278 --> 00:16:32,109
- No.
- Marshall's got Lily. She's fine.
271
00:16:32,213 --> 00:16:34,204
Oh, thank God.
272
00:16:35,784 --> 00:16:36,842
What?
273
00:16:37,919 --> 00:16:40,752
I was putting your phone back
and I found something in your bag.
274
00:16:40,855 --> 00:16:43,323
I have a permit for that.
And the other thing was a gift.
275
00:16:43,425 --> 00:16:46,155
No. This.
276
00:16:48,297 --> 00:16:51,061
- You stole Jeremy's sock.
- No, I didn't.
277
00:16:51,167 --> 00:16:55,263
I don't know how that got in there.
It must've fallen in. Weird!
278
00:16:55,371 --> 00:16:58,499
- Fallen in?
- Or Lily put it in there as a joke.
279
00:16:58,607 --> 00:17:00,404
That bitch be drunk.
280
00:17:02,044 --> 00:17:03,602
Okay, I took it.
281
00:17:04,713 --> 00:17:09,047
It's just so cute. Sock.
282
00:17:10,186 --> 00:17:14,146
Robin Scherbatsky, are you warming to
the idea of having children?
283
00:17:14,257 --> 00:17:16,919
No. I don't know.
284
00:17:17,694 --> 00:17:21,562
Maybe someday. When I'm, like, 70.
Science will catch up.
285
00:17:23,467 --> 00:17:29,133
Look, I'm just... I'm confused lately.
I'm unemployed, I'm living on a couch.
286
00:17:29,239 --> 00:17:32,766
Yeah. It's been a rough couple of months
for both of us.
287
00:17:35,279 --> 00:17:37,042
Hey, I have a spare bedroom.
288
00:17:37,148 --> 00:17:39,844
Why don't you stay with me
while you look for a place?
289
00:17:39,951 --> 00:17:41,919
- Really?
- Yeah.
290
00:17:42,019 --> 00:17:46,388
Thanks, Ted. I already have some leads,
so it'll be one week, two weeks tops.
291
00:17:46,491 --> 00:17:47,788
And that's how your Aunt Robin
292
00:17:47,892 --> 00:17:48,881
moved in with me.
293
00:17:48,993 --> 00:17:49,982
Roomies.
294
00:17:51,462 --> 00:17:54,090
I'm bored. Let's go dancing.
295
00:17:54,198 --> 00:17:58,157
- Oh, let's rob a liquor store!
- Lily, we're not going anywhere, okay?
296
00:17:58,269 --> 00:17:59,532
Whenever we go somewhere
when you're drunk,
297
00:17:59,638 --> 00:18:02,801
you always fall asleep
as soon as we get in the...
298
00:18:03,275 --> 00:18:08,611
We're going dancing!
We're gonna party all night long!
299
00:18:11,650 --> 00:18:14,175
Hey, can you circle the block
a couple of times
300
00:18:14,286 --> 00:18:17,619
- just to make sure she's really down?
- Sure thing.
301
00:18:19,858 --> 00:18:22,123
Latest Not a Father's Day brainstorm.
302
00:18:22,228 --> 00:18:25,527
A pregnancy test,
but instead of a little blue line,
303
00:18:25,632 --> 00:18:28,430
there's a little blue Barney going like this.
304
00:18:28,535 --> 00:18:32,733
Barney, Not a Father's Day is lame.
It's a holiday for losers.
305
00:18:32,839 --> 00:18:36,275
What are you talking about?
That's a great group of bros.
306
00:18:36,376 --> 00:18:41,211
- Barney, it's the cheerleader effect.
- No, Ted. That only works for chicks.
307
00:18:41,314 --> 00:18:45,011
Take a good look
at each one of those guys, individually.
308
00:19:00,434 --> 00:19:04,427
These geniuses are not
childless by choice, my friend.
309
00:19:04,538 --> 00:19:06,836
- Good night, Barney.
- Good night.
310
00:19:15,083 --> 00:19:16,141
Sock.
311
00:19:20,722 --> 00:19:22,349
Do I smell chocolate chip pancakes?
312
00:19:22,457 --> 00:19:28,259
No, you smell chocolate chip "I'm sorry
I was such a drunk idiot" pancakes.
313
00:19:28,430 --> 00:19:30,591
Is there any
"Wish I hadn't puked on your shirt" bacon?
314
00:19:30,699 --> 00:19:32,462
There sure is.
315
00:19:32,934 --> 00:19:35,961
- Baby.
- I'm so sorry about last night.
316
00:19:36,072 --> 00:19:38,006
I know I was a mess.
317
00:19:38,474 --> 00:19:42,638
I just started freaking out
about whether we're ready to be parents.
318
00:19:43,312 --> 00:19:47,510
But you took such good care of me,
I know you're gonna be a great dad.
319
00:19:47,617 --> 00:19:50,415
- I don't want to be a dad right now.
- What?
320
00:19:51,220 --> 00:19:55,691
Last night, it was just... Between
balancing work and drunk Baby Lily,
321
00:19:55,825 --> 00:19:57,657
it was too much.
322
00:19:57,761 --> 00:20:02,494
I'm just getting started at this job,
and I'm working such long hours, I mean...
323
00:20:02,599 --> 00:20:06,433
Look, I love you. And I absolutely
want to have kids someday.
324
00:20:06,536 --> 00:20:09,300
I just... I want to be ready for it.
325
00:20:11,341 --> 00:20:16,040
Me, too. And whenever we are ready,
326
00:20:16,146 --> 00:20:19,877
- I know you're gonna be amazing.
- You, too.
327
00:20:23,521 --> 00:20:28,117
Hey, do you want to go have
completely protected sex right now?
328
00:20:28,226 --> 00:20:31,286
- I do.
- Do you want to finish your bacon first?
329
00:20:33,631 --> 00:20:35,622
You are the perfect woman.
330
00:20:43,041 --> 00:20:46,375
And the cat's in the cradle
and the silver spoon
331
00:20:46,478 --> 00:20:49,379
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
332
00:20:49,481 --> 00:20:52,507
"When you coming home, Dad?"
"I don't know when
333
00:20:52,618 --> 00:20:55,678
"But we'll get together then, Son
334
00:20:55,788 --> 00:20:59,019
"I know we'll have a good time then"