1
00:00:05,372 --> 00:00:07,272
Yeah, this one is positive,
2
00:00:08,208 --> 00:00:09,903
which makes 30 positives.
3
00:00:10,310 --> 00:00:11,777
But there was that one negative.
4
00:00:11,878 --> 00:00:13,345
The negative
was a popsicle stick.
5
00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:15,004
Do you even bother
telling your boyfriend
6
00:00:15,081 --> 00:00:17,447
if there's only like a 96%
chance you could be pregnant?
7
00:00:17,517 --> 00:00:20,315
100% chance!
It was a popsicle stick!
8
00:00:20,453 --> 00:00:23,889
I saw you eat the popsicle and then
draw this little minus sign on it,
9
00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:25,447
and then pee on it
for some reason.
10
00:00:25,525 --> 00:00:27,356
It's because I have
crazy pregnancy brain, Neepa.
11
00:00:29,496 --> 00:00:30,827
Oh, God.
12
00:00:30,897 --> 00:00:32,865
I am really pregnant.
Uh-huh.
13
00:00:32,932 --> 00:00:34,729
I have to tell Danny.
14
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:38,300
Hey. Hey, daddy, I mean Danny.
Damn it.
15
00:00:38,371 --> 00:00:41,863
(BABY CRYING) I can't hear you
right now, this baby's crying.
16
00:00:43,376 --> 00:00:45,401
Remind me not to have kids
until I'm old and deaf.
17
00:00:45,478 --> 00:00:47,343
Larry King's got the right idea.
18
00:00:47,447 --> 00:00:48,675
Mmm-hmm, totally.
19
00:00:48,748 --> 00:00:49,942
I love Larry King.
20
00:00:50,016 --> 00:00:52,985
MINDY: The thing about telling your
Justice Scalia-level Catholic boyfriend
21
00:00:53,086 --> 00:00:56,180
that you're pregnant is that no
time ever feels like the right one.
22
00:00:56,423 --> 00:00:58,220
Hey, Danny,
do you have a second to...
23
00:00:58,658 --> 00:01:01,855
Whoa, you look hot as hell.
Okay, all right.
24
00:01:01,995 --> 00:01:05,328
Relax. Father Francis is doing
his big sermon on shame today.
25
00:01:05,398 --> 00:01:07,298
If he even suspects
that I'm talking to a girl,
26
00:01:07,367 --> 00:01:08,766
he'll sit me
with the masturbators.
27
00:01:09,235 --> 00:01:11,465
Oh, God. Anything you want
me to confess for you?
28
00:01:12,172 --> 00:01:14,299
Nope. Have a good time at church.
DANNY: Bye.
29
00:01:15,475 --> 00:01:17,306
MINDY: And then it hit me.
I'll come visit him,
30
00:01:17,377 --> 00:01:18,810
plan a romantic weekend getaway
31
00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:21,710
where after a day of pretending
to enjoy reading and fresh air,
32
00:01:22,015 --> 00:01:23,983
I'll tell him
that we're having a little...
33
00:01:25,452 --> 00:01:26,749
Son of a bitch.
34
00:01:27,153 --> 00:01:28,347
Cindy!
35
00:01:28,788 --> 00:01:29,948
It's Mindy.
36
00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:36,500
Ripped By mstoll
37
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:39,364
Great to see you again, Alan,
Little Danny.
38
00:01:39,432 --> 00:01:40,456
Why are you guys in town?
39
00:01:40,900 --> 00:01:44,165
Oh, are you house-sitting for us
while we go away? That's great.
40
00:01:44,237 --> 00:01:46,296
If you're gonna do some laundry,
maybe throw some of mine in there,
41
00:01:46,372 --> 00:01:49,205
but I need you to look at the tags because
my clothes are on the fancier side.
42
00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:50,537
We're not house-sitting.
43
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:52,809
She got suspended
from school for a week.
44
00:01:53,146 --> 00:01:55,614
Little Danny?
But she's so cute.
45
00:01:55,715 --> 00:01:57,683
I slapped my teacher
in her dumb face.
46
00:01:58,384 --> 00:02:00,215
And then she slapped
the principal,
47
00:02:00,286 --> 00:02:04,416
who happens to be, get this, an
Indonesian transgender woman.
48
00:02:04,524 --> 00:02:06,617
So she gets rewarded with a
free trip to New York City?
49
00:02:06,826 --> 00:02:08,589
When I was suspended
for stalking my teacher,
50
00:02:08,661 --> 00:02:10,856
I was locked in my room
for five days.
51
00:02:11,030 --> 00:02:14,397
Yeah, sure, I escaped. 'Cause I mean, nothing
was gonna keep me away from Mr. Sherman.
52
00:02:14,634 --> 00:02:15,760
This is no vacation.
53
00:02:15,835 --> 00:02:17,666
I warned her, I said,
"You mess up,
54
00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:19,736
"you're gonna have
to deal with Big Danny."
55
00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:22,366
Me, she don't listen to.
You, she respects.
56
00:02:22,575 --> 00:02:24,338
Can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah.
57
00:02:25,512 --> 00:02:27,377
This thing with Little Danny
is serious.
58
00:02:27,514 --> 00:02:30,677
And I don't think
we can go away this weekend.
59
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:33,119
No, Danny, we have to go away.
60
00:02:33,186 --> 00:02:34,653
I have to tell you something.
61
00:02:35,455 --> 00:02:36,444
I know everything's been weird
62
00:02:36,523 --> 00:02:37,785
since you said you were
moving to Frisco,
63
00:02:37,857 --> 00:02:40,826
but everything's great between us.
Right now, my family needs me.
64
00:02:41,427 --> 00:02:42,917
Okay. I get it.
65
00:02:43,029 --> 00:02:45,190
Okay? It's probably for the
best we're not going anyway.
66
00:02:45,265 --> 00:02:46,596
Don't want to start
another forest fire.
67
00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:49,068
Another forest fire?
Yeah.
68
00:02:49,302 --> 00:02:50,735
Don't worry about it.
It's done.
69
00:02:52,305 --> 00:02:54,432
This is it, Dad.
This is where I work.
70
00:02:54,541 --> 00:02:57,169
Who are these people?
Let me guess.
71
00:02:57,310 --> 00:03:00,279
Your old scout leader and a
little girl robot you built.
72
00:03:00,580 --> 00:03:03,071
Morgan, this is my dad
and my baby sis.
73
00:03:03,583 --> 00:03:06,575
Your dad, huh? So this is who we have
to thank for a lifetime of grouchiness.
74
00:03:06,786 --> 00:03:07,980
No, no, no, no, we're...
75
00:03:08,054 --> 00:03:11,319
If you hurt this boy again,
I will hurt you. Morgan.
76
00:03:11,391 --> 00:03:12,551
You son of a bitch.
77
00:03:12,625 --> 00:03:13,956
Morgan, stop.
Morgan, stop.
78
00:03:14,661 --> 00:03:15,719
Welcome. Hello.
79
00:03:15,895 --> 00:03:18,363
Little girl, I like your glasses.
You know, I had a pair of glasses.
80
00:03:18,765 --> 00:03:20,528
Want to hear a great story?
I'm at the Salvation Army,
81
00:03:20,833 --> 00:03:22,994
they're about to throw them
out, I grab them, I say,
82
00:03:23,069 --> 00:03:26,869
"No way, Jose." Now, I wear
them three days a week.
83
00:03:27,173 --> 00:03:29,664
All right, hey, Little D, check
this out, the kitchen over there,
84
00:03:29,742 --> 00:03:31,334
bottomless toaster pastries.
85
00:03:31,411 --> 00:03:34,244
Oh, there's a bottom, and it
is covered in rat droppings.
86
00:03:34,514 --> 00:03:35,776
You want to take a look?
87
00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:37,474
Come on.
Okay.
88
00:03:37,650 --> 00:03:38,844
Hey, look at this, Pop.
89
00:03:38,918 --> 00:03:41,216
It's my office. She's okay, yeah.
It's fine. (CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
90
00:03:41,588 --> 00:03:44,113
Danny Castellano.
Thank you.
91
00:03:45,258 --> 00:03:47,158
Annette?
Mindy, hi,
92
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:50,287
I'm sorry to bother you on
your romantic weekend getaway
93
00:03:50,363 --> 00:03:53,298
but I looked online and I'm
a little confused, because
94
00:03:53,533 --> 00:03:56,593
that place you're staying,
it only has one bed per room.
95
00:03:56,970 --> 00:03:58,835
You know what,
we ended up not going.
96
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,968
Did you break up with Danny?
97
00:04:01,941 --> 00:04:04,569
Did Danny break up with you?
No, no.
98
00:04:05,378 --> 00:04:08,779
We didn't go because of some last
minute, out-of-town visitors.
99
00:04:08,881 --> 00:04:11,008
Okay, then, I guess I'll...
It was Alan and Little Danny!
100
00:04:11,150 --> 00:04:12,549
Damn it,
you're a good detective.
101
00:04:12,619 --> 00:04:14,177
Danny's father's in town?
102
00:04:14,821 --> 00:04:17,346
After walking out on me,
he's back?
103
00:04:17,423 --> 00:04:19,220
I knew I shouldn't have told
you, but it's not my fault.
104
00:04:19,292 --> 00:04:21,351
I have ADHDTV.
You're mad, huh?
105
00:04:21,427 --> 00:04:24,658
Mindy, no, I'm not still
mad at Alan.
106
00:04:24,864 --> 00:04:27,264
It's water under the bridge.
In fact,
107
00:04:27,333 --> 00:04:29,824
why don't you all come
to dinner tonight?
108
00:04:29,902 --> 00:04:32,029
This isn't one of those dinners
where you guilt everyone, is it?
109
00:04:32,171 --> 00:04:34,935
No. Guilt dinners
are only for you.
110
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,903
And they may need to stop
because it's getting expensive.
111
00:04:38,011 --> 00:04:41,378
I personally would hate to see the man who
abandoned me with two small children,
112
00:04:41,447 --> 00:04:43,108
but if you're cool with it,
then fine.
113
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:45,080
See you at 7:00.
Bring dessert.
114
00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:47,652
Oh, I shouldn't bring dessert. I'll
just eat it in the car... (DIAL TONE)
115
00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:48,914
Hello?
116
00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:50,248
Hello?
117
00:04:50,690 --> 00:04:51,679
(SIGHS)
118
00:04:53,092 --> 00:04:56,061
You told Ma we'd bring Dad and
Little Danny to dinner tonight?
119
00:04:56,396 --> 00:04:57,988
What the hell is wrong with you?
120
00:04:58,164 --> 00:05:00,496
Why didn't you just invite a lion?
There'd be less carnage.
121
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,233
I spoke to your mom
on the phone.
122
00:05:02,602 --> 00:05:04,126
She seemed
really chill about it.
123
00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:07,330
I think that that Wine of the Day club
I got her is really working. Sit down.
124
00:05:07,940 --> 00:05:10,272
I'm sorry, Danny,
but she seemed really sincere,
125
00:05:10,343 --> 00:05:12,072
like when she tells me
she hates my makeup.
126
00:05:12,545 --> 00:05:15,013
Fine. It's okay, it's just...
Please don't come.
127
00:05:15,114 --> 00:05:16,672
This is something
only family should see,
128
00:05:16,749 --> 00:05:18,512
like when Ma cooks eggs
in her bra.
129
00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:22,648
I'm sorry, you don't think
of me as family?
130
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,555
You don't want me
to come to dinner?
131
00:05:24,657 --> 00:05:26,625
I wouldn't wish
that on my worst enemy, babe.
132
00:05:26,726 --> 00:05:27,920
I gotta go,
133
00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:29,926
make sure Ma
doesn't poison the gravy.
134
00:05:35,134 --> 00:05:37,068
Hey Peter,
how's Texas treating you?
135
00:05:37,136 --> 00:05:40,128
It's so great! The other day I saw Henry
and Lauren for about an hour or two,
136
00:05:40,306 --> 00:05:42,035
and then they saw me
and I ran away.
137
00:05:42,141 --> 00:05:44,507
You know what, it's only
stalking if it doesn't work.
138
00:05:44,677 --> 00:05:45,701
You make her love you.
139
00:05:45,778 --> 00:05:47,541
Roger that, hoss.
So, how's Danny?
140
00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:50,008
Did he make you quit your job when
he found out you were pregnant?
141
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:52,284
Actually, Peter,
I haven't told him yet.
142
00:05:52,552 --> 00:05:54,543
I mean, he didn't even invite me
to his family dinner tonight.
143
00:05:54,620 --> 00:05:58,147
What? That's crazy. Who's more family
than you? You're carrying his child.
144
00:05:58,324 --> 00:06:00,724
Wasn't the whole point in tricking
him into getting you pregnant?
145
00:06:00,793 --> 00:06:03,284
For the last time, I did not trick
him into getting pregnant, Peter!
146
00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:05,428
(SIGHS)
Now what do I do?
147
00:06:05,598 --> 00:06:06,963
You go to that dinner!
148
00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:08,432
Family doesn't wait
to be invited.
149
00:06:08,501 --> 00:06:10,867
It's like HPV. It just
shows up and never leaves.
150
00:06:10,937 --> 00:06:12,063
You're right, Peter!
151
00:06:12,138 --> 00:06:14,629
I gotta be the human
equivalent of HPV. Good.
152
00:06:14,707 --> 00:06:16,368
All right, I'm gonna go back
to my brisket.
153
00:06:16,442 --> 00:06:18,239
I've actually had two heart
attacks since I've been here.
154
00:06:18,311 --> 00:06:19,676
You need to eat
some fiber, dude.
155
00:06:24,484 --> 00:06:26,281
Stop, stop, stop the car.
Stop!
156
00:06:26,486 --> 00:06:28,545
What are you doing? You can't
just run through the street.
157
00:06:28,654 --> 00:06:31,122
This isn't Calcutta. I flew
40,000 miles from San Francisco
158
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:32,555
because we need time together.
159
00:06:32,625 --> 00:06:34,354
If there's gonna be a Castellano
family dinner tonight,
160
00:06:34,427 --> 00:06:36,691
I need to come with you.
Okay, get in the car.
161
00:06:37,063 --> 00:06:38,155
Thank you.
162
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:40,324
Can I run upstairs and make a mixed tape?
Your music sucks.
163
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,960
No, get in the car.
No NPR, please.
164
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:45,928
(DOOR CLOSES)
MINDY: Hey guys.
165
00:06:51,043 --> 00:06:52,943
Hey, cool it
with the pies, okay?
166
00:06:53,012 --> 00:06:55,480
Ma's making a special
Italian seafood feast.
167
00:06:55,548 --> 00:06:58,108
No one's excused until she can
comb her hair with the bones.
168
00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:00,613
Sorry, Danny, I just, I've
been craving these apple pies
169
00:07:00,686 --> 00:07:03,052
and they're only available in the
doctors' lounge vending machine.
170
00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:06,216
They're from the '80s, before natural
ingredients completely ruined snacks.
171
00:07:09,295 --> 00:07:11,661
She's passed out.
Unbelievable.
172
00:07:12,131 --> 00:07:15,100
You're like the dog whisperer,
Cesar Chavez, only for kids.
173
00:07:16,335 --> 00:07:18,235
How do you think your mom's
gonna react tonight?
174
00:07:18,838 --> 00:07:20,362
She gonna take off her earrings?
175
00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:22,836
Whenever my mom was about
to let my dad have it,
176
00:07:22,942 --> 00:07:24,034
she'd take her earrings off.
177
00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:26,203
Now, most people think
black women invented that.
178
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:27,507
Nope. Ma.
179
00:07:27,580 --> 00:07:30,708
Either way, I think tonight's gonna
be a really warm family affair.
180
00:07:34,220 --> 00:07:36,450
Okay, everybody, be cool.
No freaking out.
181
00:07:37,056 --> 00:07:39,081
I feel like you're freaking out.
No, I'm not.
182
00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:43,493
Let me get in here. Why did
you get back over there?
183
00:07:44,063 --> 00:07:45,223
Hello.
184
00:07:45,364 --> 00:07:47,457
Mindy, Danny, welcome.
185
00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:51,862
Oh, I'm sorry, sir, the soup
kitchen is just down the road.
186
00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:56,068
Nettie, it's me, Alan, your ex.
(GASPS)
187
00:07:56,275 --> 00:07:59,073
Oh, my goodness, Alan.
188
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:03,009
It's so wonderful to see you
after all these years
189
00:08:03,082 --> 00:08:05,209
you've spent baking
in the desert sun.
190
00:08:05,351 --> 00:08:09,685
Well, well, well, look what clumped
up at the bottom of the drain.
191
00:08:09,755 --> 00:08:12,121
Hello, Dorothy. Thirty
years you've been gone.
192
00:08:12,425 --> 00:08:13,722
This woman was shattered.
193
00:08:13,793 --> 00:08:15,317
You leave me
to pick up the pieces.
194
00:08:15,461 --> 00:08:17,053
That's why
I don't have a husband.
195
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:19,488
Now, Dot,
that's ancient history.
196
00:08:19,565 --> 00:08:21,294
I've never been happier.
197
00:08:21,801 --> 00:08:25,134
In fact, my cheeks actually
hurt from smiling so much.
198
00:08:25,805 --> 00:08:27,272
"Ow." (LAUGHS)
199
00:08:28,307 --> 00:08:30,673
Come on in.
Dot will take your coats.
200
00:08:31,677 --> 00:08:33,645
Come in.
Sit anywhere.
201
00:08:34,647 --> 00:08:37,514
Danielle, it's so good
to finally meet you,
202
00:08:37,583 --> 00:08:39,483
you're just gorgeous!
203
00:08:39,552 --> 00:08:40,746
Could you ask first?
204
00:08:40,887 --> 00:08:42,252
I have stranger issues.
205
00:08:42,655 --> 00:08:45,954
Of course, that's a
very normal request.
206
00:08:46,392 --> 00:08:47,654
My apologies.
207
00:08:47,860 --> 00:08:49,919
Don't have to ask me
'cause I love hugs.
208
00:08:50,129 --> 00:08:53,257
Oh, man, I would never leave
you hanging for a hug, Mom.
209
00:08:53,432 --> 00:08:54,831
This is a wonderful event.
210
00:08:55,501 --> 00:08:58,470
The house smells beautiful,
looks beautiful, and you...
211
00:08:58,538 --> 00:08:59,630
I don't know what you're doing.
212
00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:02,105
I'm like, "Va-va-va-voink," right?
Back off.
213
00:09:02,174 --> 00:09:03,698
Thank you for inviting me,
you look very beautiful.
214
00:09:03,776 --> 00:09:05,073
Yes, yes, yes, I found
215
00:09:05,244 --> 00:09:07,405
happiness in life on my own,
216
00:09:07,847 --> 00:09:11,078
my hair turned blonde,
like a princess.
217
00:09:11,150 --> 00:09:12,811
You got brown hair on Facebook.
218
00:09:13,019 --> 00:09:15,487
Yeah, well,
those photos were taken
219
00:09:15,621 --> 00:09:18,112
before I met
my wonderful boyfriend,
220
00:09:18,190 --> 00:09:21,489
Dr. Robert Ledreau.
Robbie?
221
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:23,688
Hello.
Oh, you must be Alan.
222
00:09:23,763 --> 00:09:25,890
Put her there. Ain't
gonna shake your pinky.
223
00:09:26,165 --> 00:09:28,690
No, of course not.
Champagne anyone?
224
00:09:29,769 --> 00:09:31,464
$17.99 a bottle.
225
00:09:31,737 --> 00:09:33,671
But that's nothing
on a doctor's salary.
226
00:09:33,806 --> 00:09:36,036
No, thank you.
I'm sober six weeks.
227
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,203
I only drink beer.
Okay.
228
00:09:38,277 --> 00:09:41,474
Well, why doesn't
Dr. Ledreau tell the boys
229
00:09:41,547 --> 00:09:44,675
all about his decorated
military service,
230
00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:46,775
while the girls
go set the table.
231
00:09:46,986 --> 00:09:49,887
Mmm-hmm, 'cause in this family,
you gots to do your chores.
232
00:09:50,022 --> 00:09:52,217
ANNETTE: Stop saying
stupid stuff and come help.
233
00:09:55,761 --> 00:09:57,922
Hey, squirt, I'm kinda up to
my nuts in plates right now,
234
00:09:57,997 --> 00:09:59,157
you want to help
with the knives?
235
00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:02,598
My counselor actually says I'm not
supposed to be around sharp objects.
236
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:05,594
They might trigger
my emotional problems.
237
00:10:05,705 --> 00:10:08,230
Oh, you poor thing.
238
00:10:09,108 --> 00:10:11,167
Why don't you just go
rest until dinner?
239
00:10:11,310 --> 00:10:13,972
Go lie down in Danny's
bed and watch TV.
240
00:10:15,848 --> 00:10:17,110
Danny!
241
00:10:17,183 --> 00:10:20,482
I need your help. It's time to
prepare II sangue delle anguille.
242
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,451
Really? Do we need
that for the feast?
243
00:10:22,521 --> 00:10:25,456
I mean, everyone just eats the calamari
and the fish-a-sticks, anyway.
244
00:10:25,858 --> 00:10:26,984
I'll do it.
245
00:10:27,059 --> 00:10:28,356
I love family traditions.
246
00:10:28,761 --> 00:10:30,160
In my family,
after Thanksgiving,
247
00:10:30,229 --> 00:10:32,561
I make everyone gather around
while I do a fashion show.
248
00:10:33,065 --> 00:10:35,863
I don't know, I mean, are you
sure you can handle this?
249
00:10:36,002 --> 00:10:38,937
Yeah! II sangria del linguini?
It sounds delicious.
250
00:10:39,071 --> 00:10:42,268
No, no II sangue delle anguille.
251
00:10:49,015 --> 00:10:50,573
The blood of the eels.
252
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:53,877
Whatever happens, don't fall in.
253
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,254
(LAUGHS)
254
00:11:00,259 --> 00:11:01,624
Look what I found!
255
00:11:01,827 --> 00:11:03,556
Oh, wow.
Eh?
256
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:04,823
Your old trains?
Yeah.
257
00:11:04,897 --> 00:11:06,421
Ma never let us touch those.
258
00:11:06,565 --> 00:11:08,396
She'd always turn on
the gas in the oven and say,
259
00:11:08,467 --> 00:11:10,196
"I'll blow us all
to bits before I let something
260
00:11:10,269 --> 00:11:11,793
"of your father's
bring you happiness."
261
00:11:12,038 --> 00:11:14,506
Well, I got news for you.
262
00:11:18,544 --> 00:11:19,704
They're yours now.
263
00:11:20,212 --> 00:11:22,373
Mine?
Is that HO Gauge?
264
00:11:22,448 --> 00:11:24,848
HO Gauge?
That's a toy.
265
00:11:25,117 --> 00:11:27,813
This is O Gauge,
a man's model train.
266
00:11:28,621 --> 00:11:30,248
Oh, look at that.
267
00:11:31,157 --> 00:11:32,852
I did it, I did it! I killed them!
In the pot.
268
00:11:32,925 --> 00:11:34,392
In the pot.
There you go.
269
00:11:34,460 --> 00:11:37,122
Whoa!
That is a new record.
270
00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:39,756
You sure you're not a Castellano?
Really?
271
00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:41,260
Me?
272
00:11:41,567 --> 00:11:42,829
A Castellano?
273
00:11:43,069 --> 00:11:45,060
Oh, God, it moved!
It's a reflex.
274
00:11:45,137 --> 00:11:46,536
It might happen
when we're eating.
275
00:11:50,076 --> 00:11:51,839
They don't make them
like they used to, Pop.
276
00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:56,575
Danny, what I'm gonna say may not mean
so much coming from a mope like me,
277
00:11:56,749 --> 00:11:58,683
but I got to tell you,
you did great raising Richie
278
00:11:58,751 --> 00:12:00,685
and yourself
after I flew the coop.
279
00:12:00,953 --> 00:12:02,944
Well, thanks, Dad.
That does mean a lot.
280
00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:05,588
I mean, look, you know, it was
hard, but it made me who I am.
281
00:12:05,891 --> 00:12:07,188
I'm a lousy father
282
00:12:07,259 --> 00:12:09,750
and Little Danny's mom
is always off selling
283
00:12:09,829 --> 00:12:12,297
turkey legs at these renaissance fairs.
She's never home.
284
00:12:12,431 --> 00:12:14,228
Well, you know, when I didn't
know what to do with Richie,
285
00:12:14,333 --> 00:12:16,096
I would sneak out
to the electronics store
286
00:12:16,168 --> 00:12:18,136
and I'd watch Growing Pains
on the TV display.
287
00:12:18,871 --> 00:12:21,567
I learned a lot
from Alan Thicke, a lot.
288
00:12:22,108 --> 00:12:25,703
What I'm trying to say is,
Little Danny deserves better.
289
00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:28,376
And I know in my heart
290
00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:31,607
that you would be a great
father to your little sister,
291
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:35,744
and I'm hoping that maybe you
could take her in for a while.
292
00:12:37,189 --> 00:12:39,885
You want me to take her in?
She deserves better.
293
00:12:40,159 --> 00:12:42,150
You're right.
I would make a great dad.
294
00:12:42,228 --> 00:12:44,890
Little Danny can stay with me
for as long as she needs to.
295
00:12:45,297 --> 00:12:46,594
What?
296
00:12:49,568 --> 00:12:51,297
How could you let your little
sister move in with you
297
00:12:51,370 --> 00:12:52,803
without discussing
it with me first?
298
00:12:52,872 --> 00:12:54,567
We spent three weeks debating
whether or not we would have
299
00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:55,937
a scented candle
in your bathroom.
300
00:12:56,008 --> 00:12:57,635
Which, to your credit,
saved our relationship.
301
00:12:57,743 --> 00:12:59,802
You didn't discuss moving
to San Francisco with me.
302
00:12:59,879 --> 00:13:02,313
You just did it. And you
stole all my good underwear.
303
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:04,242
I love them!
They fit me like a thong!
304
00:13:04,316 --> 00:13:05,340
Besides, San Francisco
is not the same
305
00:13:05,417 --> 00:13:07,783
as raising a 12-year-old girl, Danny.
Yeah. You're right.
306
00:13:07,853 --> 00:13:10,981
Little Danny is family. I'm sorry, blood
is thicker than your Napa Chardonnay.
307
00:13:11,123 --> 00:13:12,385
You're getting played.
308
00:13:12,491 --> 00:13:14,322
Girls her age always have "problems."
309
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:16,819
When I was 11,
I hated that boys would tease me
310
00:13:16,896 --> 00:13:18,056
because I would
read all the time
311
00:13:18,297 --> 00:13:19,855
and my parents wouldn't
let me wear makeup.
312
00:13:19,932 --> 00:13:22,492
I was embarrassed and I wanted
to move to Lake Buena Vista
313
00:13:22,568 --> 00:13:24,297
and audition for
The All New Mickey Mouse Club,
314
00:13:24,436 --> 00:13:26,700
and my mom wasn't like, "Sure,
great plan, Mindy. Go do that."
315
00:13:26,939 --> 00:13:28,600
She hit me with an encyclopedia.
316
00:13:28,941 --> 00:13:30,101
And now I'm perfect.
317
00:13:30,342 --> 00:13:33,038
Well, I don't know if you're... Oh, sorry.
Am I interrupting something?
318
00:13:33,112 --> 00:13:34,204
Yes.
Yeah, kind of.
319
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:36,578
Well, it's time for dinner and
Annette wants everyone to wash up.
320
00:13:36,849 --> 00:13:38,510
Okay.
Specifically you, Mindy.
321
00:13:38,984 --> 00:13:40,315
Make me!
322
00:13:41,453 --> 00:13:42,647
(SIGHS)
323
00:13:42,721 --> 00:13:46,316
Dear Lord, thank you for
this bounty of the sea.
324
00:13:46,625 --> 00:13:49,423
And thank you, Lord,
for bringing us Alan.
325
00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:51,757
Oh, boy. Here it comes,
Tropical Storm Annette.
326
00:13:52,064 --> 00:13:53,497
Though we've had
our differences,
327
00:13:54,266 --> 00:13:57,167
he seems to have
genuinely changed and
328
00:13:57,403 --> 00:13:59,132
to have raised
a beautiful daughter.
329
00:13:59,471 --> 00:14:00,802
Amen.
330
00:14:02,241 --> 00:14:03,367
Okay, my turn.
331
00:14:03,442 --> 00:14:04,932
Rot in hell, you son of a bitch.
Okay, let's eat!
332
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:06,068
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Mangia pesce!
333
00:14:09,648 --> 00:14:11,013
Hey, kiddo.
334
00:14:11,617 --> 00:14:14,950
So, Danny, why do you want
to leave SoCal?
335
00:14:15,287 --> 00:14:17,414
Have you seen the mayor of Los Angeles?
He's hot as hell.
336
00:14:17,723 --> 00:14:19,588
I'm in a very
dark place right now.
337
00:14:19,725 --> 00:14:21,625
You know, when I was your age,
I was also in a dark place.
338
00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:23,218
It was because
I hated gym class.
339
00:14:23,395 --> 00:14:25,955
My thighs would rub together and the
sound was like a squeaking balloon.
340
00:14:26,165 --> 00:14:27,291
I hate gym, too.
341
00:14:27,433 --> 00:14:31,130
So, what I ended up doing was
drawing a pentagram on my forehead
342
00:14:31,503 --> 00:14:33,164
and then they let me go
watch TV with the nurse.
343
00:14:33,239 --> 00:14:34,900
No way, that worked?
Yeah, it worked.
344
00:14:35,107 --> 00:14:36,438
It worked real good.
345
00:14:36,508 --> 00:14:37,736
You know why?
Why?
346
00:14:37,843 --> 00:14:39,174
'Cause I was a good
little faker like you!
347
00:14:39,278 --> 00:14:41,678
Excuse me? I was
cyber-bullied for being tall
348
00:14:41,747 --> 00:14:42,941
and now I have
emotional problems.
349
00:14:43,015 --> 00:14:45,984
Yeah, and I got out of chorus because
of my uncontrollable farting.
350
00:14:46,118 --> 00:14:47,483
Whatever.
Give me that phone.
351
00:14:47,786 --> 00:14:49,981
Give it back. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, what's going on here?
352
00:14:50,055 --> 00:14:51,818
Your little sister has learned
the age-old tactic
353
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,324
of acting like a psycho to get
what she wants.
354
00:14:53,459 --> 00:14:56,189
I know that because I invented that.
Okay, Mindy, stop it.
355
00:14:56,295 --> 00:14:58,763
I'm not gonna stop until your little
sister tells us what she wants
356
00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:01,425
and if not, I hope she has a lot
of underwater minutes. Okay, fine!
357
00:15:01,533 --> 00:15:03,967
I slapped my teacher because
I hate living in the desert,
358
00:15:04,069 --> 00:15:06,037
and I hate that my dad's
2,000 years old
359
00:15:06,105 --> 00:15:07,697
and he yells at the newspaper,
360
00:15:07,773 --> 00:15:10,640
and I hate that my TV
only gets 50 channels!
361
00:15:10,776 --> 00:15:12,107
It's not fair!
362
00:15:13,245 --> 00:15:15,076
So, I guess what we have
363
00:15:15,648 --> 00:15:18,549
is a normal teenager acting out,
364
00:15:19,118 --> 00:15:20,949
making a lot of drama
to get what she wants.
365
00:15:21,086 --> 00:15:22,485
I hate you!
You're a bitch!
366
00:15:22,888 --> 00:15:24,321
Ow!
ALL: Oh!
367
00:15:24,456 --> 00:15:27,220
Oh, my God.
You do not slap a slapper.
368
00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:29,060
ALL: Oh!
369
00:15:29,128 --> 00:15:30,891
Okay, that's it.
That's it.
370
00:15:31,030 --> 00:15:32,156
No, I'm talking to you.
371
00:15:32,231 --> 00:15:33,255
What?
Get up.
372
00:15:33,332 --> 00:15:35,323
Oh, don't step to me. I just
murdered a bunch of eels tonight.
373
00:15:35,401 --> 00:15:36,561
Okay, let's go.
374
00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:38,398
What are you doing?
She slapped me first!
375
00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:41,505
That's no excuse! Ethnic people
slap each other all the time.
376
00:15:41,573 --> 00:15:42,904
It's like half
of reality television!
377
00:15:43,175 --> 00:15:45,871
Also, let's not forget, I was right.
Little Danny was lying.
378
00:15:46,045 --> 00:15:48,172
Okay, I don't think that's gonna
be the takeaway from the dinner.
379
00:15:48,747 --> 00:15:52,911
Okay, well, if I am so horrible,
maybe I should just go.
380
00:15:53,552 --> 00:15:56,453
Yeah, just out in the
night, into the cold,
381
00:15:56,655 --> 00:15:58,714
armed with nothing but my
pepper spray and my gun.
382
00:15:59,692 --> 00:16:01,626
You know what,
maybe that's a good idea.
383
00:16:02,194 --> 00:16:05,652
I mean, look, this is a family matter
and we gotta figure it out, so...
384
00:16:18,610 --> 00:16:20,237
Okay, everybody,
Mindy had to leave.
385
00:16:20,679 --> 00:16:23,147
So, let's just enjoy
this nice fish meal
386
00:16:23,248 --> 00:16:25,079
and talk about something
more pleasant.
387
00:16:25,284 --> 00:16:26,478
Son,
388
00:16:26,952 --> 00:16:29,352
I know that Little Danny
has said some things,
389
00:16:29,488 --> 00:16:31,752
but I still feel
that our agreement
390
00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:35,726
is gonna provide her with the
best situation for her to thrive.
391
00:16:36,228 --> 00:16:39,322
Wait a minute, what agreement?
392
00:16:39,598 --> 00:16:41,623
Danny said that I could come
live with him in New York.
393
00:16:43,569 --> 00:16:45,799
You said that Little Danny
could come live with you?
394
00:16:45,971 --> 00:16:47,461
And Mindy slapped her?
395
00:16:47,773 --> 00:16:51,265
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Where you going?
396
00:16:51,810 --> 00:16:52,902
Ma?
397
00:16:53,545 --> 00:16:54,637
Ma?
398
00:16:56,715 --> 00:16:58,706
Hi, how much
to go to San Francisco?
399
00:16:58,784 --> 00:17:00,012
ANNETTE:
Mindy, wait.
400
00:17:00,319 --> 00:17:01,581
Oh, God.
Hold on one second, sir.
401
00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:04,086
Okay, you caught me.
402
00:17:05,657 --> 00:17:07,591
I took your candlestick,
I was just borrowing it.
403
00:17:07,659 --> 00:17:08,921
What the hell?
404
00:17:09,495 --> 00:17:11,690
No, listen, when Richie was 15,
405
00:17:11,830 --> 00:17:13,991
I wouldn't let him go live
with Brett Easton Ellis,
406
00:17:14,099 --> 00:17:17,000
so he threatened to throw himself
off the Empire State Building.
407
00:17:17,169 --> 00:17:19,160
I said, "Good, here's 10 bucks.
408
00:17:19,271 --> 00:17:21,330
"Enjoy the view,
bring me back a T-shirt."
409
00:17:22,307 --> 00:17:25,606
Annette, as much as I love hearing
the origin stories of gay men,
410
00:17:25,844 --> 00:17:27,744
I gotta go. I'm sorry
for ruining your dinner.
411
00:17:27,813 --> 00:17:29,974
No, Mindy, you didn't ruin it.
412
00:17:30,282 --> 00:17:32,409
You weren't exactly Grace Kelly,
413
00:17:32,484 --> 00:17:35,180
but when a kid's a brat,
you take 'em down.
414
00:17:35,521 --> 00:17:38,581
Now, please, come back inside.
415
00:17:38,991 --> 00:17:40,686
You don't even have your coat.
416
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:44,090
Annette, I can't. Once I start
slapping people, I can't stop.
417
00:17:44,229 --> 00:17:46,026
And I'm so mad Danny
didn't have my back in there.
418
00:17:46,432 --> 00:17:49,196
And I'm the one that's just like
sitting here sweating, so hot.
419
00:17:49,268 --> 00:17:51,463
How can you be hot?
It's 20 degrees out!
420
00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:53,834
Uh, I'm from Boston. This is
like topless weather for me.
421
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:57,905
Wait a minute,
you weren't drinking.
422
00:17:58,444 --> 00:18:01,538
And when you hugged me
you were bigger than usual.
423
00:18:01,647 --> 00:18:03,114
My breasts
have always been huge.
424
00:18:03,615 --> 00:18:06,675
Mindy, are you pregnant?
425
00:18:06,952 --> 00:18:08,351
Uh, I don't think so, ma'am.
426
00:18:08,420 --> 00:18:11,480
You're sweating because our
hot little Castellano babies
427
00:18:11,657 --> 00:18:14,023
are like an angry furnace
in your stomach.
428
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:15,492
They are?
Yes.
429
00:18:15,594 --> 00:18:17,755
It feels like I've swallowed
a space heater. It's agony.
430
00:18:17,863 --> 00:18:18,955
Oh, honey.
431
00:18:19,431 --> 00:18:21,956
Oh, this is the best part.
432
00:18:22,835 --> 00:18:25,099
It's gonna be so awful for you.
433
00:18:25,337 --> 00:18:26,668
But I'm thrilled.
434
00:18:26,738 --> 00:18:28,933
I'm gonna be a grandma!
Oh, my God.
435
00:18:29,241 --> 00:18:32,039
Listen, I gotta go nail
some stugots to the cross
436
00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:34,939
and I do not want
my grandson to see this.
437
00:18:35,547 --> 00:18:38,516
I'm gonna be a grandma.
Should I just stand here?
438
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:40,714
'Cause that was the only cab
I could find and
439
00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:42,583
I have like a negative seven
on Uber.
440
00:18:43,689 --> 00:18:46,988
You know, Robert, I never would've
pictured Annette with a lady doctor.
441
00:18:47,292 --> 00:18:50,523
Her taste used to run more
towards motorcycle bad boys.
442
00:18:50,662 --> 00:18:52,152
Robert served in Vietnam,
443
00:18:52,231 --> 00:18:54,722
while you cut your pinkie toe
off for the draft board.
444
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,025
It was a lawnmower accident.
445
00:18:57,102 --> 00:18:58,729
Everybody shut up!
446
00:18:58,837 --> 00:19:01,305
All I wanted
was a nice, classy dinner
447
00:19:01,373 --> 00:19:04,638
to show off that I finally
have things pretty good.
448
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:08,242
But I guess I forgot
that even after 30 years,
449
00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:11,840
garbage still stinks.
The garbage is you.
450
00:19:12,017 --> 00:19:13,575
Uh-oh.
451
00:19:15,287 --> 00:19:16,276
ALL: Uh-oh.
452
00:19:16,355 --> 00:19:18,983
You miserable SOB.
453
00:19:19,391 --> 00:19:22,224
You left your son
to raise your other son
454
00:19:22,461 --> 00:19:25,294
and now you're trying to make
him raise your daughter, too!
455
00:19:25,430 --> 00:19:27,762
Ma, relax. It's the best
thing for the family.
456
00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:29,733
I haven't even
gotten to you yet.
457
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,330
Do you have Stockholm syndrome?
458
00:19:32,437 --> 00:19:34,997
You just love raising your
brothers and your sisters,
459
00:19:35,073 --> 00:19:36,904
and now you kicked
your girlfriend
460
00:19:36,975 --> 00:19:39,569
and your unborn child
out of the house?
461
00:19:39,978 --> 00:19:41,377
What? What are you
talking about?
462
00:19:41,613 --> 00:19:42,841
You don't know?
463
00:19:43,348 --> 00:19:46,943
Castellano men. Shoot first,
ask questions never.
464
00:19:47,352 --> 00:19:49,047
She's pregnant!
465
00:19:50,322 --> 00:19:51,914
(MUSIC PLAYING)
466
00:20:00,799 --> 00:20:02,130
It's Mindy, leave a message.
(VOICEMAIL BEEPS)
467
00:20:02,267 --> 00:20:04,235
DANNY: Mindy, where are you?
I need to see you.
468
00:20:11,910 --> 00:20:13,309
Mindy?
469
00:20:24,289 --> 00:20:25,449
Mindy?
470
00:20:26,024 --> 00:20:27,321
Min?
471
00:20:43,709 --> 00:20:44,869
Hey.
472
00:20:45,010 --> 00:20:46,307
Hey.
473
00:20:46,979 --> 00:20:48,537
Hey. Hey.
474
00:20:48,780 --> 00:20:49,940
Why didn't you tell me?
475
00:20:50,382 --> 00:20:52,077
I tried to tell you, it just...
476
00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:53,809
There never seemed
to be a good time.
477
00:20:54,453 --> 00:20:55,886
And I know you're mad,
478
00:20:55,954 --> 00:20:58,548
but it's okay, Danny, I can
raise this baby by myself.
479
00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:01,389
My little brother and I, we had
a parakeet when I was little
480
00:21:01,793 --> 00:21:03,158
and it died after three months,
481
00:21:03,228 --> 00:21:04,593
but they were three good months,
482
00:21:04,663 --> 00:21:06,824
and I loved that parakeet and...
483
00:21:13,972 --> 00:21:15,337
We're a family.
484
00:21:16,708 --> 00:21:18,676
(MUSIC PLAYING)
485
00:21:20,500 --> 00:21:28,500
Ripped By mstoll