sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
[Music]
And that was the book of credits.
- That seemed kind of pointless. - Oh, buck up, young man.
You get to spend the entire holiday weekend with your old man.
How do you like your hot chocolate and marshmallows?
This is just cold coffee with a sugar cube.
Can I open my presents or something?
- Uh, sure. - Did you even get me a present?
- Mom's friend Kyle got me a present. - Kyle?
Well, I most certainly did. And I'm gonna tell you right now,
it's way better than anything "Kyle" got you.
[Blows air forcefully] [Coughs]
Comedy Central advent calendar?
Where the hell did this come from?
- Merry Christmas, buddy! - Advent calendar?
I already have a calendar on my phone.
Yeah, yeah, but this is a really special calendar.
Behind every one of these doors is something really neat,
and you're only supposed to open one door
for every day of the holidays, but what the heck?
We're only together for this weekend. Let's go to town!
Let's open all the doors!
- Just you and me, together. - Okay, fine.
- But after, will you put on some pants? - Uh, sure.
_
[Slurring] And that's what I think of all of you!
[Bleep] you, Bennie. You're a [Bleep] monster.
Get out of my life! Get out of our lives.
Get the [Bleep] out of here!
- Oh, oh... - Go! Go!
Okay, okay. You know what?
Another Christmas ruined by this guy.
- Get out of my life! - Say good-bye to the drunk guy!
Merry Christmas, Bennie. [Door slams]
Seems like I ruin every Christmas with my drunken antics.
[Bottle shatters] I wish...
I had never gotten drunk.
I wish... I wish I was sober.
Hey, Bennie.
[Light switch clicking]
- Who are you? - I'm your guardian angel friend,
and I'm here to show you what your Christmas
would've been like if you'd never gotten drunk.
Come with me. Why are you touching me?
Aren't we gonna fly or something like magic?
Just stay still, and then an editor will cut,
- and we'll be in the next scene. - Okay.
[Bleep] drunk.
- Oh, my God. That's me! - Well, sober you.
Look how nice you look, and listen to how well-spoken you are.
I've told you before, your family sucks.
Except for that younger, hotter version of you.
- My sister? - Yeah.
That's a Christmas box I would like to unwrap.
- Oh, Jesus Christ. - High five!
That is definitely sober you, but why are you acting like that?
Well, you tell me. You're my Guardian of the galaxy.
That is no way to talk to your girlfriend...
Oh!
Especially after she had to pay for your gambling debt.
- Why? - Bite me, mom!
I'm sober as a stone, and I'm getting out of here!
- Merry Christmas! - Oh!
I don't know. I-I thought this would work.
I thought you would see yourself and have some sort
of realization that you're better sober,
but I guess you're just an asshole. My bad.
Let's go back to your room. This party's dead anyway.
Guess you're not going to get
your legend of Ga'hoole wings now, guardian.
Wait a second. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
I think I got it. I know what the issue is.
- You don't believe. - Believe in what?
[Scoffs] If you got a mirror, walk towards it, kid.
I'll see you around.
All: Aww.
[Bell jingling] Grandma says every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings!
- Aww. - Actually, that's not true.
You know, you got to do, like, a whole standardized testing
- for... it... it doesn't matter. - You know what I learned tonight?
I'm going to be less of an asshole but I'm still gonna get drunk.
Uh, I'm not sure how we're supposed to react to that one.
Let's just open the next one.
All: # We three kings... # [Mumbling]
♪ Whoa, whoa, I'm like, damn, she had bo-bos ♪
♪ and they was bouncing, jiggling ♪
♪ and I'm like, you like me too? ♪
[Booming voice] Stop singing!
- Why... - Wait. God's talking.
The king of kings has been born in Bethlehem.
You must travel afar, through field and fountain,
moor and mountain to see him.
Okay, well, you kind of interrupted his rap.
- Thank you for that. - So that was inappropriate.
- What the hell is God talking about? - I don't know.
Does that have to be us? We're kind of busy. [Chuckles]
Yes. Just follow yonder star.
Oh. Oh, yeah, what a beautiful star it is.
It's day, dude. We can't see stars.
And also, how far is "afar"? You're not being very specific!
And also, follow-up question: Is there a panda express on the way?
Dude, I gots to get that orange chicken.
Guys, I hate to be the bearer of bad news,
but afar is about, uh... it's a few days',
if not a few weeks', walk. Yo, we need to get a ride.
Where'd you get this weird-looking horse, dude?
Uh, actually, Adam, this weird horse turns out to be a camel.
I've been doing some camel shepherding on the side.
Why'd you write "rape" on the side of your camel?
Oh, dude, I was trying to write "repent,"
but I ran out of room. It's... it's a Bible word.
Oh, that's smart. The root word of "repent" is "rape."
That's true. Wise man over here.
- I'm a wise man. - Good call.
- Very cool. - Well, I'm gonna call shotgun, if that's cool.
'Cause you guys didn't call it, so... shotgun!
Hang on a second, dude. Before you get on a camel,
you always want to check out how small his penis is.
- Oh, he's peeing. [Laughter] - Oh, why is it so small?
- Crazy, right? - But why is it so small?
- That is incredible. Look at it. - How did I not know that it was so small?
- It looks like a nipple.
- Oh, man. - Wow.
Is that the whole thing, or did it get caught in,
- like, some kind of an accident? - No, that's it. That's its whole dick.
I feel like on a big day, I would beat that one. Right?
With the desert heat? Yeah, you hang low.
Yeah. I do have a real droopy dog.
[Thunder booms] Hurry up. The son of God has been born.
All right, already! We're just laughing at your joke.
All right, well, I'm gonna get on this guy.
- You ready? - Hey, did you guys grab the frankincense?
- Okay, how do you... [Camel grunts] - Why didn't you put a step on these things?
[Camel grunts] - Oh!
- Ooh. - The [Bleep] are you guys doing up there?
- Are you guys riding the house? - Uh, we're just talking.
- Yeah. Normal roof stuff. - We're really high.
[Laughs] We're really high right now.
- Oh, man... - Thought we were on a camel...
- [Laughs] for a second. - Yeah.
[Thunder booms] I wish I had never created weed.
Psych!
- Happy holidays to you and yours. - Yeah.
- Wow, that was kind of cool. - Hey, listen.
I know that those three wise men looked like they were having fun
with that wacky tobacky, but don't you touch that junk.
- Don't you have pot in your bedroom? - You know what?
I think I can diagnose you with a very serious case of nosiness.
[Laughs]
Seriously, don't go into my room.
People are getting dates on these phones now.
Tender. [Clears throat] Find tender.
Find the application tender.
Uh, application love finders, tristate area,
someone over 40... over 30.
- Looks like it's gonna snow. - Whoa!
Nothing. What? I was, uh, checking the time.
- Want to open another square? - Yeah, let's open another square. Come on!
'Twas the night before Canadian Christmas,
and all through the house...
Nothing was stirring, not even a Canadian mouse.
How you doin'? I'm Gene Creemers. You may know me from
Wheels, Ontario, show us your songs Toronto, Canadian actor.
And I'm Bryan LA Croix, Mikey on the teen drama
Wheels, Ontario, as well as teen pop sensation.
Yeah, we all know what you do.
Now, whereas in the states, you only celebrate Christmas
for one day, in Canada, we celebrate it from
- 25 November until half January. - That's right, Bryan.
It's one of the top 15 holidays of the winter season.
And in the states, only Christians are allowed to celebrate Christmas.
But in Canada, we invite even our Jewish brethren,
who light their whale-blubber lanterns for 85 days.
That's right, or even if you're one of these super-tall
African guys in your dashiki sweater celebrating Kwanzaa.
Everyone in Canada is welcome to celebrate Christmas.
Canadian Christmas traditions are as varied as the root vegetable.
And when I feel that nip in the air,
it just makes me want to put on my tuque and lumber jackets
and head out to the North forest to harvest maple plack.
And once you're out in the forest,
you can tell the great tales of Saint Timothy Horton.
My favorite is the one where he delivered all those
fish bonut crumbles to the needy children of the Yukon.
Ah, nothing makes the Christ child blush
like some fish bonut crumbles.
And lest we forget our most important Canadian
Christmas tradition of all, saying our sorries.
- Yup. - Gene, I'm sorry for saying
that you're an old crotchety man behind your back.
I'd like to say I'm sorry to my husband, Hugh.
I cheated on you at the Michael Buble concert at the pantages.
- You were right. - But those who we owe our most
pardons to are our first nations population. Sorry.
- Sorry to the first nations peoples. - Pardon for stealing lacrosse.
Canadian Christmas is all about togetherness.
And on 2 December, we all gather together as a family
to open the presents pere Noel's left in our Christmas galoshes.
Ooh, I'm praying to Saint Timothy Hortons for extra-wet poutine candies in mine.
And let's not forget about the tastiest tradition,
- the Canadian Christmas bundt. - Can I syrup the bundt?
Well, you're the third born, aren't you?
And remember, throw the first one away lest the Christ child think you vain.
Whereas in the states or in the eurozone, you're probably finding
your fanciest baubles to exchange to prove how rich you are...
But in Canada, we give each other
humble presents so as to avoid embarrassment.
So, Gene, I'm sorry to do this, but can I give you a gift?
Here it is. It's a pair of damp socks that will dry real slowly.
Oh. Look at that. They look like they don't even fit there.
Now, to you, a nice square plate of sauceless pasta, no salt.
Whoa, sauceless pasta, extra bland? Fantastic!
Boy, oh, boy, it's been so amazing to share this time with
you and tell Americans about Canadian Christmas.
Yeah, and I want to wish you and yours a fine Canadian Christmas.
And all praise be to Saint Timothy Horton and my bryantologists.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Praise be to pere Noel, all right.
He's father Christmas, and we worship him like a God.
- Both: Happy Canadian Christmas. - Then.
[Both speaking indistinctly]
- Is Pere Noel like Santa? - [Laughs] No, son.
Nothing's as good in Canada as it is here.
Let's open another door.
Ho, ho, ho.
[Humming]
Oh, Jesus Christ, not now.
[Both gasp] Jimmy, Bobby, get down here! Please!
- What's wrong, Santa? - Diabetic shock.
[Stammering] Reach into my pocket.
Other pocket. Jam it in Santa's chest.
- What? - What's the holdup, Claus?
- We got... oh, shit, not again. - Oh, my God, are you...
Prancer, yeah, that's right.
It's me, Prancer, everybody's favorite [bleep] Reindeer, right?
And this is Santa Claus. And unless you jam that Insulin needle
into his fat [Bleep] chest, Christmas is canceled forever.
Oh, shit, we're losing him. Kid, come on!
I'd do it myself, but I have hooves.
- But... but... - But... but... but... but nothing.
- Do it! - Do it, Jimmy. Save Christmas.
- Do it, Jimmy. - Fine, okay.
Here we go.
- Wow! - Yes, there we go!
Jesus. Thank you, boys.
Merry Christmas, I guess.
You were very nice this year, not naughty.
- Ho, ho, ho! - No more cookies, dude, seriously.
- Ho, ho, ho! I know. I know. - Oh, do you? Fat [Bleep].
[Both whimpering] [Santa laughing]
Boy, cartoons sure have changed a lot since I was a kid.
- What was different about them? - Well, no swearing, for one thing,
unless you were Fritz the cat. [Laughs] Fritz the cat.
- Who's she? - That's nothing.
It's a reindeer dressed as a lady.
[Whispering] Get out of here.
Reindeer's gone. Hey, what do you say
we open up another one of these, huh?
Hi, I'm Nathan Fielder.
You know, a lot of people think Christmas
is all about giving gifts, but I believe the true meaning
is something more important.
For me, Christmas is about love.
[Music]
♪ Wise men say ♪
♪ only fools rush in ♪
♪ but I can't help ♪
♪ falling in love ♪
♪ with you ♪
♪ like the river flows ♪
♪ surely to the sea ♪
♪ darling, so it goes ♪
♪ some things are meant to be. ♪
♪ Take my hand ♪
♪ take my whole life too ♪
♪ for I can't help ♪
♪ falling in love ♪
♪ with you ♪
♪ like the river goes ♪
♪ surely to the sea ♪
♪ darling, how it goes ♪
♪ some things are meant to be ♪ ♪ oh-oh ♪
Both: # Take my hand #
♪ take my whole life too ♪
♪ 'cause I can't help ♪
♪ falling in love ♪
♪ with you ♪
♪ oh, I can't help ♪
♪ falling in love ♪
♪ with you ♪
Was that real, or was that acting at the end?
- Acting. - Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.
That was good, I was saying. That was... yeah, I was acting too.
We were both... yeah. Good... you're very good.
All right, that's it.
Hey, hey, kiddo, time for more advent calendar.
"Boy, that's fun. I love spending time with old pops."
Hello, ground control to Major Tom.
- Let's spend some time with your old man. - Okay, fine.
- Let's open this door, Kwanzaa. - Kwanzaa?
Kwanzaa is an African-American holiday.
You should watch this, dad. Maybe you'll learn something.
'Sup? 'Sup? My name is Vandaveon Huggins.
- My boy Mike Taylor right here. - 'Sup?
We have our own interweb show where we like to make movies funnier.
We like to do some punch-ups on 'em and whatnot.
You know, we figured it's the holiday season and whatnot,
and us being African-Americans, that what we would do
is talk about Kwanzaa. But I ain't gonna lie to you, man.
Neither of us knows shit about Kwanzaa.
Sounds like... sounds like... sounds like a ninja weapon.
It do... say it. Say it. Go ahead. Tell 'em. Yeah.
- Nah, you. - No, tell 'em... go ahead. Tell 'em, man.
Oh, it's... that's you. I don't want to be on camera.
- But I don't know what you said. - I ain't trying to be on camera.
- Time for Christmas movies. - Like, my Auntie Sabrina,
she be watching a Christmas story with the little white boys.
And my favorite part is when them mother[Bleep] dogs
just be running through the house just knocking...
[barking]
You know what they should have done?
- What? - Had them dogs bite that dude's dick.
Oh, that would have been my shit. The dad should have come up in
the dining room talking about, "oh, these dogs, oh, these dogs,"
and the dogs should have been, "aroo!" [Chomp]
And just bit that [Bleep] in the dick.
[Both laughing]
Why's that not in the movie?!
- Next one. - Home alone.
Home alone. Mike, you... you in the pocket now, man.
My boy little Macaulay Culkins, talking about...
That's your opportunity right there.
Don't even tell 'em what to do with that.
Don't even tell 'em.
They got to figure that one out themselves,
'cause if they don't know... if they don't know,
they're never gonna know.
I'm about to do a speed round with Mike right now.
You ain't even gonna believe what's about to happen right here.
Watch this.
- Return of the Jedi. - Return of the dicks.
Indiana Jones and the temple of doom.
Indiana bones and the temple of balls.
- Gone with the wind. - Gone with the fart.
- Streetcar named desire. - Streetdick named defire.
- Easy rider. - Easy dickder.
- Heaven's gate. - Dick...'s gate.
- Empire strikes back. - Empire strikes on the back of my dick.
- John Wick. - Uh...
And how am I stumping you with that one?
One that is for everybody involved and the
kids do need to see it is jingle all the way,
'cause that's a cautionary tale.
But that movie has got two of the greatest actors
I've ever seen in my entire life in one movie:
- Arnold Schwarzenegger... - And...
- Both: Sinbad.
- Ghost. - Remember Tony Goldwyn was up in there?
- Straight up. - Was there. Straight-up on scandal now.
- Worst friend imaginable. - Ever.
- How you gonna [Bleep] my girl, bro? - After I'm dead.
- Not on Christmas, bro. - Don't do it on Christmas, man.
Not on Christmas, man. Why you doing that, man?
Can't be killing Sam. [Bleep] Killed Sam.
I'll tell you what your Christmas present was, mother[Bleep].
Got dragged by some black demons, some shadow demons.
Why they had to be black too? You know who I never trust?
- Who? - Little Percy from the Green mile.
- This [Bleep]. - This [Bleep] need to take a walk.
Hate that... he need to take a walk down the Green mile.
That's what he need to do.
- Uh, John Coffey, Jesus Christ allegory. - Mm-hmm, that's right.
- Santa Claus. - Touching people, healing people.
My man just... my man healed Tom Hanks' dick.
- So there's a dick in that one. - That's a perfect movie.
- That's a perfect Christmas movie. - Perfect Christmas movie.
- Perfect Christmas... - Perfect Christmas movie.
Number one on the list: Green mile! Healed a [Bleep] with his dick.
All right, thank you, everybody, man. So this is Vandaveon Huggins.
That's Mike. Hope this has been useful to everybody.
So you got a nice big list now of holiday movies
that you can watch. We signing off.
Good night, Merry Christmas, and may the mistletoe be kind to you.
Ebenezer Splooge.
Hey, not bad, huh? Let's do another one.
[Cheers and applause] Welcome to this very special
Christmas Eve mini-sode of @midnight.
I am your host, Chris Hardwick.
So in honor of the holiday, my nom de plume is now Christ Hardwick.
Be sure to tweet me your angry replies. I look forward to those.
Tonight's panel consists of three mall santas.
How's it going, guys? [Cheers and applause]
- I totaled my Pontiac Sunfire. - Oh, sorry.
Christmas is a holiday invented by the white man to
- keep the black man down. - Yeah.
My wife left me for a younger, more fertile man.
You guys are in very poor shape. But let's not dwell on that.
Let's get into tonight's hashtag wars.
[Cheers and applause] Now, since it is
the yuletide season, tonight's holiday-themed hashtag
is ruin a Christmas Carol. Ruin a Christmas Carol.
Examples of this might include "Dick the halls"
or "I'm dreaming of a whites-only Christmas."
I'm gonna put 60 seconds on the clock starting now.
- And begin. Yes. - "I saw mommy fisting Santa Claus."
Perfect. Points.
- Brian. - "I saw mommy felching Santa Claus."
- Points. Aisha. - "Deck the halls with boughs of feces."
Points. Or would those come from the bowels of holly?
- Indeed. - Yeah, Steve.
"O little town of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, is rocked by a mall shooting."
Points. God damn it.
- Yes, Brian. - "I saw mommy blumpkining Santa Claus."
So he made it all the way into the bathroom. Yeah.
I mean, Santa's been eating all those cookies.
- Mommy's kind of a whore. - Points.
- Yes, Steve. - "Baby, it's cold outside 'cause we're homeless."
- Yeah, points. Aisha. - "It came upon a midnight clear and murdered
- my entire family in their beds." - Points.
- Steve. - "Silent night because zombies
are roaming the streets and they're attracted to sound."
Points. That's true.
- Last one. Aisha. - Uh, "Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
- has a deviated septum from too much cocaine." - Points. Yes, of course.
But that's how he's able to lead the pack.
In totaling up the points, I see that it's a complete tie!
That's right. Across the board.
A very special holiday gift. Your Christmas prize is a ride home.
Can you, uh, drop me off at the men's shelter?
Or the women's shelter. It doesn't matter.
Uh, no, I don't want you to smell up my Jaguar.
I'm @nerdist on the instagrams and the tweets.
And a merry Christmas to all and to all a good @midnight.
- It's lieutenant Jim Dangle and... - Deputy Travis junior.
- And we're your... - Both: Sheriffs on a shelf.
- We see you when you're sleeping. - We know when you're doing meth.
Travis, what's your favorite part of the holidays?
Is it trimming the tree? Is it opening presents?
It's probably doing these mandatory PSAs for the sheriff's department.
I've been on trucker speed for three days.
[Sniffs] I haven't slept in three days.
- That stuff gives me the runs. - You know what my favorite part
- of the holidays is, Travis? - Mm.
It's all the overtime that we make from the plethora
of emergencies that happen during the holidays.
And since 30% of all accidents happen at home, if you're home
for the holidays, you're totally [Bleep].
Can you gonna put a thing in? No?
But there are a few things you can do to make your holidays a whole lot safer.
Don't follow us.
Every year, thousands and thousands of people
are electrocuted, impaled on menorahs,
or shoot a family member over which way the star
should go on top of the tree just 'cause they've been
- drinking eggnog since 8:00 A.M. - Get the decorating done,
and then break out the chardon-on-ay.
- Don't lick the... don't... - I was just seeing if it's true.
- Don't lick... what's true? - Wow.
How many times do we have to say it?
Don't shoot your guns in the air to celebrate New Year's eve.
Don't shoot your [Bleep] gun in the air to celebrate a quinceañera.
Don't shoot your [Bleep] gun in the air to celebrate the fact that
you just bought a [Bleep] gun.
In fact, unless you are in the Jihad and just took over a suburb of Mosul,
there is no reason whatsoever to ever shoot your guns in the air.
Both: Whoa!
I can't tell you how many Christmas eves
we've spent with a jackhammer pulling some dumb
dead son of a bitch out of a chimney with a broken neck.
The flue of a chimney just barely lets smoke out.
How, precisely, are you going to fit, genius?
It may seem like a good idea at the time, but one slip...
Both: Whoa!
And you're gonna leave your kids with a plugged-up chimney, a dead dad,
and some seriously [Bleep]-up Christmas memories.
- Like that little girl from Gremlins. - Phoebe Cates.
- Mrs. Kevin Kline. - Mrs.... No.
- Yeah. - She's married to Kevin Kline?
- Yep. - I thought he was, uh...
- Mm-mm. - He's not a...
Trust me. I know.
The problem at the holidays is that everybody starts hitting
the eggnog, and then they start hitting each other.
They hit the kids. They start hitting grandma.
Next thing you know, they're burying grandma
- in the backyard. - Happens all the time.
If you're gonna bury grandma in the backyard,
- throw some raw coffee beans... - Yeah.
- In with the corpse. - Double bag.
- Double bag it. - Tie it good.
- K-9 doesn't know. - Little bit of coyote urine in there
to keep the raccoons out. Cause raccoons, number one
- friend to law enforcement. - The silent ally.
- Anyway... Happy holidays! - Happy generic holidays from
the Reno sheriff's department.
Dad: I need a drink.
Now, that's what I call good comedy.
And it's probably even funnier... sober.
Let's do another one.
...and that's what I call a hot dog.
[Laughs] Now it's time to check in
and see what's going on with old Kris Kringle himself
with our Channel 6 meteorologist, Darren Blaze.
Stupid cartoon kiddy-corner crap.
I'm a real weather man, okay? I don't... hey! Oh, hey!
Hi! Hey, you guys.
Hi. Darren Blaze here with, apparently, the Santa report.
Uh, it looks like Santa Claus is out there going
all around the world like he does every Christmas,
handing out toys to the good little boys and girls.
And we have clear skies tonight, so if you look up,
you just might see him. Okay, great.
Back to you, Don and Yolisha.
Darren, can you give us a little more information on Santa?
- Yeah, like, what state is he over now? - Oh!
Uh, yeah, I don't know. I guess he's over... looks like Iowa.
He's over Iowa. Okay, back to you, Don and Yolisha.
- Okay, that looks more like Colorado. - Sure does.
- And I've been there. - I'd have to say Colorado, exactly.
Yup, he's over Colorado. That's great. Whatever.
Doesn't matter. Okay, great. Thanks.
- Back to you guys. - He must be going fast.
- How's he do it? - It's got to be magic, okay?
Has Santa told you who's been naughty and who's been nice this year?
All right, look, I'm a meteorologist, okay?
I'm not one of these little weather boys that you see.
I'm a meteorologist. I'm a real weatherman!
I went to school five years to learn how to do this.
I have reported on hurricanes and blizzards.
And I come in to work today... don't tell me we're live.
I know that we're live. I know how the news works.
I am Darren [Bleep] Blaze. As everybody in this building knows,
I don't celebrate Christmas because I don't have a family anymore.
They left me a long time ago.
Do you have any follow-up questions to that, Don?
- I don't. But maybe Yolisha does. - [chuckles] Sure do.
Darren, when can we expect Santa to touch down here in the Southland?
Never. Santa's never gonna touch
down in the Southland or anywhere else.
And would you like to know why?
All you kids out there, pay very close attention to me
as I explain why Santa isn't coming tonight.
- Because Santa does not ex... - Both: Oh!
[muzak plays]
All righty.
Whoo-hoo! "Santa Claus is coming to town."
[Chuckles] [Door clicks open and shut]
[Sighs]
Hey, didn't I tell you to go to bed?
I don't want to. I'm too excited for Christmas.
[Groans] All right, I get it. I get it. All right.
- You want me to finish myself off? - What?
I mean do you want to finish off this magical advent calendar?
Yeah. There's only a few doors left,
- and I want to do this one. - Okay, great. This door.
Let's see, one of my fondest Christmas memories.
You know, because let's be honest.
When I say happy holidays, I'm not talking about Kwanzaa. Fake holiday.
Anyway, let's see.
Oh, yeah. Okay, I remember.
It's my dad dressing up as Santa Claus when I was six years old.
[Siren wails]
Hold it! Hold it!
- We're on to you, slick. - Oh.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - Oh, shit.
- Santa? - Just hold on, all right? Relax, okay?
[Laughs] I-I live here, all right?
I live here. This is my house.
I am surprising my son. I'm Santa Claus.
I don't know. This place is pretty nice.
- Hey, kid, you know this guy? - Just hold on for a minute,
all right? I'm gonna show you that it's all...
Hey, hey, buddy! It's me.
[Screams] It's daddy... Hey.
- Clearly does not know you, sir. - He's a little nervous.
He ain't been around these many white people before.
And I know that you all are just doing your job. I understand it.
You have to. That's how you make a living, right?
I'm gonna get my driver's license.
- Just relax. - Whoa, whoa! [Gunshot]
[Yells]
Ow! Oh, why did you shoot me?
- I didn't... - I was just getting my driver's license.
I didn't know that. It looked like you were
- making an aggressive move. - No!
- You were making a move. - That was an aggressive move, right?
Yeah, I saw it. "Driver's license" could
be slang for a gun in the street sometimes.
- All right, let's cuff him. - Aggressive move.
- I wasn't. - Just relax.
- Looked like an aggressive move. - Give me your hands.
Oh, God! Oh, I have nothing.
How you mother[Bleep] gonna shoot Santa Claus?
Oh, look. What's this?
- Whoa. Got your gun. - That ain't mine! That ain't mine!
- Uh-oh, two guns. - Oh, trying to go in there,
- steal all those silver bells, huh? - What?!
- Santa Claus don't have no guns. - What the hell is wrong with you?
Ow, my arm.
- Stop resisting. - Why? Why'd you have to do that?
- Stop resisting. - Oh! Oh!
Oh, we gonna get you white mother[Bleep].
[chuckles] Hey, look at that. It's 12:02.
- It's Christmas. - Oh.
- Merry Christmas, buddy. - Merry Christmas.
Yeah, that is my fondest holiday memory.
Oh, well. Happy holidays, everyone.
Dad, my body feels funny. I feel like I'm changing.
I think we should move on.
Wake up! All in the truck.
Out.
[Blows landing, snowmen screaming]
[Music, kid laughing]
I have, like, no idea what that was about.
Let's just do another one. I can't.
That... that was weird.
- Hi, I'm Abbi. - And I'm Ilana.
Do you loathe going to holiday parties because you're
a modern human being who doesn't believe in God?
Well, listen up. We got some tips that everyone can use
to turn that awkward Christmas party into a holiday hootenanny.
Come along. We'll show you the way.
[Both breathe deeply]
- Yeah. - Yeah.
First things first: Offer your host a gift
as a thank-you for her hospitality. Thank you so much for having us!
It's from both of us.
If you forget your gift, just say your friend's gift
- is from the both of you. - Now it's time to mingle.
Survey the grounds for land mines.
See, the free market is innately...
You better stay far, far away unless you want to be
sucked in like a vacuum: A Dyson.
You know, I often wonder what dreams of my teeth falling out really mean.
Ugh.
Well done.
Now you've earned yourself a peek inside the medicine cabinet.
[Gasps] Ceramic neti pot? I didn't know she was rich.
[Gasps] Individualized flossers... fancy.
[Laughs] Boner pills.
What, is she [Bleep] an old dude?
You know what would be exciting and explorative?
If we took one.
- I don't know... yet. - Now that you've self-medicated,
why not augment it with eggnog?
- Oggmog. [Laughs] - Oh!
- Almonds. - Ah. Mistletoe, Abbi.
You know, kissing under the mistletoe originated as a pagan fertility ritual.
[Groans] If you need to avoid a mistletoe kiss from a mansplaining creep,
you can craft a herpes sore from a piece of peppermint bark.
Uh...
- Whew, that was close. - Oh, my God. Dude.
My [Bleep] is rock hard.
I think the boner pills are working. Oh!
- Come on. Do something. - No...
All right, excuse me, boys. Okay, thank you.
- No! - All right, we got to get you out of here.
- Come on. - Ilana got to turn it out!
- Hey, come on. - Oh!
- You spilled my craft beer! - I'm not scared of you.
Come on. Take your dick out.
Come on! Come on, take out that d, boy.
Take your d out.
- Oh! - Come on, dude. I'm dying.
- Come on! - Now your friend's made a scene
and you need to create a distraction to get the [Bleep] out of there.
- Come on! - Come on.
We hope you've found this helpful and illuminating.
So to you and yours, have a happy holiday
and a non-denominational #blessed new year.
[Siren wailing]
Those are my kind of girls: Fun, spunky, with a selfish disregard
for other people's safety. [Chuckles] What do you want to do now?
- Want to take boner pills? - What? Boner pills?
What on Earth? Why?
They make you act all funny, like that lady.
- Do you have any? - No, I don't have any boner p...
Why would I need boner p... What did your mother say?
She said Kyle doesn't need boner pills.
Dad: All righty, s'mores train coming through.
Toot-toot! Make a little room here, my friend.
All right, daddy didn't have any Graham crackers,
- so we're gonna use saltines. - Okay.
Also, I didn't have any marshmallows, so I got these
out of that box of cereal that was in the crawl space. Okay?
- Don't you think that... - No, and I think these'll be great.
And also, this is not a chocolate bar but chocolate protein shake powder.
This is living in the holidays. S'mores for everybody.
'Cause it's everything you need. Go for it.
Eat more than one.
- Ugh. - I'm a failure.
No, you're not. I mean, that was gross,
but everything else about this weekend has been great.
- It has? - Let's open another one
- of these stupid doors. - Okay.
Hi, and whoo! Whoo!
I'm the ghost of Christmas past,
because the Colbert report isn't even on anymore.
Seriously, what day of the advent calendar am I right now?
Is it after... is it after December 18th?
'Cause if so, this is a breach of contract
for me to appear on this network or really even watch it.
And if you put me on December 25th, well, then your sins are forgiven.
And I would wish you a Merry Christmas,
but I'm not really sure if I was really a Christian conservative
or if that was just my character. So let's just say...
L'Chaim. Bah, humbug.
And somebody get my lawyer.
Wow, my phone's crap compared to this advent calendar.
- Dad, wasn't that cool? - Oh.
- Dad? - Jenny.
- Jenny, use both hands. - Dad!
- Oh! - Why were you saying mom's name?
I was having a dream. We were, uh... high-fiving.
Oh, my God, I must have fallen asleep.
It's probably all the eggnog you were drinking.
Oh, there's nothing in there except a huge amount of rum.
[Groans]
Well, I guess I got to open this final door by myself.
Oh, oh!
[Farts] [Laughing]
- Hey. - Wow, dad, advent calendars
- are pretty cool after all. - [lauhgs] Oh, I'm so glad you liked it, son.
- What should we do now? - Well, gosh, I don't know.
- What do you want to do? - Well, that advent calendar got me
thinking about the holidays and family and togetherness
and, you know, the stuff that really matters.
- Yeah. - And it would mean a lot to me if you and I...
- If you and I what? - If we can put a dick
- on the neighbor's snowman. - You're reading my mind.
All right, kiddo, there's a limp carrot in the fridge.
Go get it! [Laughs]
Voice: Eat your heart out, Kyle.
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
- Okay... - Son of a bitches, bumpasses.
- What? - Son of a bitches.
What... but I don't understand the sentence you said.
- Son of a bitches, bumpasses. - [Bleep], what's the second part?
- It's bumpasses. - Oh, the bumpasses, right!
Bumpasses.