DRE: Some of history's most brutal wars were set off
by a tiny wrong move at the wrong time
when tensions were jacked through the roof.
Take this archduke fella with the dope lid.
Poor dude gets capped cruising in his ride, and boom!
World War I.
But there's never been a moment in history
more loaded with deadly tension than Valentime's Day.
All that pressure to make it perfect
actually makes it a powder keg waiting to explode.
And Bow and I never fail to set it off.
Happy first Valentime's Day, Mrs. Johnson.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Johnson.
Hey, babe, can you suck in your wrist?
I mean, it fit on the skinny saleslady's arm.
Ow!
But it's not always me who fires the first shot.
You know, if we ever have a son, I'd like to name him Andre Jr.
Ah, we'll see.
We'll see? To my legacy?
(CHUCKLES)
Your legacy of giving your wife a sad freeway-bucket rose?
Hey, hey. What?
You know, that's it.
I'm out! All right?
No giant bag of oranges for you!
But this Valentime's,
I'm doing everything right to keep the peace.
Oh, yeah.
A dozen long stems not from a Mexican lady's bucket,
a gift that fits,
and a night out with my beautiful wife.
- Oh. Hey, babe. - Hey.
BOTH: Mwah!
Ain't nothing gonna ruin this night.
All right, so, should I wait in the car while you change?
Change?
Archduke down! Archduke down!
That's not good.
And we're not even in the car yet.
Ripped By mstoll
So, like an idiot, I accidentally triggered another war.
I had to broker a peace before it destroyed the night.
Come on, Bow, you staying mad is just gonna ruin our Valentime's.
Oh, so, this is on me?
It's my fault you wouldn't recognize
an Isabel Marant romper if it bit you in the ass?
- And by the way... - Hmm?
...it's Valentine's.
Nuh!
My way sounds so much better.
Like... Like Christmastime. Springtime.
I mean, come on, baby. "Hammertine"? It just sounds stupid.
Look, I'm sorry I slammed your romper, okay?
Can I get a do-over?
Pease?
I guess "Hammertine" does not make much sense.
- (CHUCKLES) - Maybe I overreacted.
Maybe just a little.
Dre, let's just enjoy the night you planned.
I'm very excited to go and eat at Fabiano's.
Again.
What's that tone?
No tone. It's just after 15 years,
I think we've done the hell out of Fabiano's.
Well, joke's on you. I'm changing it up.
We're not going to Fabiano's.
GPS VOICE: Drive 300 feet for Fabiano's Cucina.
That was programmed from last year.
DIANE: Boo-yah!
Doubled my haul from last year.
Hmm. Nice.
Wow.
That's upsetting.
Tell me about it.
I had to leave most of them at school.
But there's not even that many people in our class.
A lot of them are from my teachers and their families. I'm beloved.
How does a boob like you get more valentines than me?
Maybe by not calling people "boobs."
You are pretty mean.
Mean? It's called being honest, long-head.
- Long-head? - Don't worry.
You'll probably grow into it.
Probably.
Diane, have you ever heard the saying
"You catch more flies with honey"?
Congrats, genius.
You just ruined your honey with dead flies.
Wow, are you broken.
Is it actually long?
Can someone please trace my skull?
I'd like to know.
Welcome to Everly.
Wow. It's completely packed. What a surprise.
I have a reservation.
Uh-huh. Okay.
Well, I'm gonna go to the bathroom before we get kicked out.
We're not getting kicked out, all right? (CHUCKLES)
Please don't kick us out.
But long story short, no ressie, mad wife, marriage on the line.
Help me.
Sorry, sir. We're fully booked.
It's Valentine's Day.
All right.
How about if my friend Bill explains it?
Billy.
Billy Cash.
Oh, here's your reservation.
Hmm.
DRE: So, Billy Cash got us into the house,
but he didn't exactly get us the best seats in the house.
I'm so sorry about this. I'm Bow, by the way.
Stacy. Happy V-tine's day.
Oh, you, too.
Oh, my God. Is that your pug on your phone?
- Mmm-hmm. - It's so cute.
You know, I had a corgi when I was growing up...
(DRE CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY)
- (GLASS TINGS) - Just a sec. Yeah.
We're not here to make gal pals.
Right. Okay.
By the way, I love your outfit.
Oh.
- Thank you. - Mmm.
Hmm.
Seeing anything we like?
Yeah. Actually, I'm just gonna go with the short rib,
and maybe I can start with...
Ooh, the short rib.
Tell us about the short rib. Is it tender?
- And here we go. - You know what?
Don't even worry about it
'cause I was actually looking at the Jidori chicken.
Where exactly is Jidor?
- It's... - Never mind. Don't even answer that.
Um, let's see. Um...
Oh, okay. Hold on.
Um, oh. There it is.
Um...
Why don't you come back in two days?
Thank you.
(GASPS) A seafood side. I didn't even see this page.
Skate?
Don't know what that is, but it sounds fancy.
Excuse me, gar輟n! Walk me through this skate.
Okay, Diane, our Valentine's gift to you
is teaching you how to give a compliment.
Fine. But for the record, I am doubtful of all you people.
Okay, just look at Jack
and say something nice about him.
I'm sorry.
There's just too much baggage between us.
She's not wrong.
Okay, then, what about Junior?
Can you say something nice about him?
Uh...
I see what you're saying. It is kind of long.
Will that happen to my head, too?
Just volunteering my time here.
Listen, Diane, there's something to make fun of
about everyone. Not me.
But the secret to pretending to be a nice person
is to stop talking before the hurtful part of what you're thinking comes out.
- Hey. That's pretty smart. - Mmm-hmm.
Especially from you.
Okay.
I see what I did there.
Yeah.
Okay, let me see here.
Hmm.
I think I will have the...
Chicken. Yep. That's it. The chicken.
Unless you think I shouldn't get the chicken.
The chicken's wonderful.
- What's your favorite? - The chicken.
You know, I think you're just saying...
- Dre. - Okay, chicken.
I'm gonna have the short rib, please.
So sorry. Someone just ordered the last one.
Okay, you know what? I'm just gonna have whatever's fastest
and a bottle of vodka.
Yes, ma'am.
Thank you so much.
Are you happy?
Bottle?
You made me lose the short rib.
But you know what? No. This is what you do.
You ruin things. You are a ruiner.
- Am I? Name one thing I've ruined. - Mmm-hmm.
How about last Easter when you planned an Easter egg hunt
in Griffith Park and Jack dug up a human finger?
Uh, public land. Out of my control.
- Okay. Our anniversary in Cabo. - Mmm-hmm.
You crashed the jet ski, and I had to get 11 stitches.
Rogue wave. Not my fault.
And it was your infected stitches that ruined the trip.
Do you hear yourself? My stitches?
- Yes! - No, Dre. No, no.
You take special moments and you kill them dead.
- Oh. I haven't heard one yet. - How about this?
The birth of our first child.
(PLANE ENGINE ROARING)
- (SCREAMING) - Oh, that's it. Oh, that's it.
Okay, baby. Okay, baby. You're doing good.
Push. Push.
Oh.
Okay. Uh, oh, boy.
Uh, okay, babe.
Um... You're pushing the wrong zone.
Uh-huh. Baby, stop pushing. Uh-huh.
Oh, God. Oh, God, you're still pushing.
Whoo. I'm sorry you had to see that.
I'll clean that up for you.
All right. (CHUCKLES) Bow, come on, man.
DOCTOR: Is this the father?
I mean, he's actually part of your life?
'Cause plenty of women successfully raise children alone.
(BOW GRUNTS)
Okay. Dredge up the lowest point in my life
just because you missed out on a short rib.
(STUTTERS)
Incredibly painful memory, tainted the first moments of fatherhood.
Okay.
I've got to go freshen up.
I hate Valentine's Day.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
DRE: The Valentime's Day war raged on,
and Bow had just Pearl Harbored me,
so I had no choice but to retreat to my situation room.
Fighting with your wife?
How'd you know?
Kid, I've been working Valentine's Day for 40 years.
It's always a bloodbath. Just look around.
Gentlemen, introduce yourselves
and how your night went off the rails.
Hello. I'm Keith.
ALL: Hi, Keith.
I picked the wrong night to tell my wife I'm going on a golf trip.
I'm Jonas.
ALL: Hi, Jonas.
I cheaped out on the valet and made her walk six blocks in stilettos,
which she's been stabbing my foot with under the table ever since.
Mmm.
Dr. Dilip Kotwala.
Told my wife her naan is not as puffy as my mom's.
- Ooh. - Oh.
So, it's not just me.
No, sir. It's not just you.
And it's not just Valentine's.
Birthdays, anniversaries, New Year's Eve.
The bigger the night, the bigger the fight.
But why does it always have to turn to crap?
"Ours is not to reason why.
"Ours is but to do and die."
- Hmm? - Alfred, Lord Tennyson.
And you work in a bathroom?
Poetry major.
Gotcha.
So, uh, let's hear your war story.
Well, I'm Dre.
ALL: Hi, Dre.
DRE: But I wasn't the only one with a war council.
So annoying. You know what I mean?
Who is he? Huh? To judge what I'm wearing?
(CHUCKLES)
- But you could just rise above. - Mmm-hmm.
Say sorry and save your night.
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
How long have you two been married?
- Oh, we just got engaged last week. - Oh, okay.
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
(LAUGHTER)
Okay, first of all, you need to update your playlist.
And why don't you get in touch
once the two of you have actually gotten married?
Because then everything is about setting a precedent.
It's not just a fight about him leaving the milk on the counter.
It's a fight about him leaving the milk on the counter
for the rest of your life.
Do you understand?
Do you like hot counter milk?
- Um, no. - No.
Well, he's gonna leave it there.
By the way,
when I said you could try my short rib,
I kind of meant just a bite.
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart.
But you know this should've been mine, right?
Okay, Diane, remember, just say the first half of your thought.
Zoey, you have nice hair.
Jack,
you dance well.
Junior,
you're good at computers.
Sure you don't want to say more?
Don't poke the bear.
No. I'm done.
I wrote down the rest of what I wanted to say.
I should not have read this.
Junior, get off.
I mean, it's the kind of thing that just throws you,
even if it's a natural part of childbirth.
Mmm-hmm.
I guess I did to Valentine's what she did to that poor table.
Yes, but you could still win the night.
All you did was make a foolish inquiry about her romper.
Mmm-hmm.
But she came back at you so hard, she lost the moral high ground.
Okay.
Oh, I get it. Now Dre is the victim.
- Precisely. - DRE: Wow.
This is crazy. Totally uncharted.
Oh, what's my play?
Amp up your hurt. Work her guilt.
Don't ease up until you hear the words "I'm sorry."
- Mmm. - Trust me, Dre.
No one else in here is having sex tonight,
but if you play it right,
you can have special sex.
Special sex?
Mmm.
Special sex.
ALL: (CHANTING) Special sex!
Special sex! Special sex!
Come on!
Special sex! Special sex! Special sex!
DRE: There she is in my crosshairs,
no idea I'm about to unleash
an entire SEAL team of emotional manipulation.
Sad puppy-dog face. Go.
Quivering lip. Go.
Single teardrop. Go, go, go!
This is gonna be so much fun.
Enjoy it, Dre.
Relish every moment.
Remember, the more she resists,
the higher she hoists herself, and then you...
I'm sorry, Dre.
Excuse me?
I just feel like there's no point
in us continuing to argue, and so I'm rising above.
I'm sorry.
Guess I should accept her apology,
be a hero, and get special sex.
Or I could take it to the next level and be a legend.
Yes, that's what I'll be, a legend.
Well, since you're apologizing for this,
I gather you can scrounge up some more apologies.
And what else exactly would I apologize for?
Ah, well, for starters, my Shaquille O'Neal mug that you plotted against.
- Dre. - Hmm?
That was six years ago.
Six long years without the greatest mug of all time.
Perfect for coffee, perfect for soup.
The man had a large head, Bow.
And you shattered it on purpose!
I did not.
And you can kiss my behind on purpose.
Oh?
Idiot.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - Pizza's here!
It's go time, Diane. Your first real-world test.
(EXHALES DEEPLY) I got this.
Is this a joke?
Oh, my God. What have we done?
I didn't know they'd be sending a mutant.
This is gonna break her.
You were very punctual,
and you have the correct number of limbs for a human.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
You were amazing! That guy was rough.
I almost threw up.
But that wasn't the real me.
I feel so dirty inside.
I need a shower.
DRE: Just like America and Russia,
every couple has their own set of nukes pointed at each other.
Oddly, it keeps the peace.
It's called "mutually assured destruction,"
MAD for short,
'cause both sides know it'd be insane to launch.
Three, two, one.
Launch.
I did break your mug on purpose
because I didn't want to see you
sippin' chowder out of Shaquille O'Neal's big head
for the rest of my life!
Your ex-boyfriend's Billy Ocean T-shirt that you love so much?
Yeah?
I wash my tires with it!
That was Gene Hackman at the roller rink.
You think everyone is Gene Hackman!
I know you spiked my drink at the Sade concert.
Well, I had to do something
'cause you were acting like a little bi-atch!
Oh! Well, I might've lost a thumb drive with "footage" of us on it.
It could be nowhere. It could be on the Internet!
Well, I never read your hip-hop Goodfellas screenplay.
You said you loved Hoodfellas.
I lied.
SERVER: And here's your check.
I took the liberty of adding a generous tip.
Oh. That's fair.
Man, this one was epic.
Might take us months to recover.
JACK: Let go of it!
DIANE: No, it's mine! Give me it!
JACK: I should break your arm.
ZOEY: Jack, that is disgusting!
DRE: But like all warring superpowers, nothing brings you back to the UN
like small annoying countries acting like complete jackholes.
- What the hell is going on? - What the hell is going on?
Jack licked the leftover pizza.
They ate the rest without me.
All right, look, everybody, shut up or there's gonna be
a Valentime's Day massacre up in here.
DIANE: My babies.
What the hell did you guys do to Diane?
You have pretty eyes.
You have fluffy fur.
And you light up my life.
We taught her how to be nice.
You broke my baby girl. Fix her.
- But it's really... - Now!
Okay. Come on.
Oh, God. Valentine's Day sucks.
Dre, I'm so tired, and I want to go to bed,
but I can't go to bed when I'm this mad at you.
I won't be able to sleep, either,
because you're gonna be doing that angry toss-and-turn pillow-punch thing.
You know what the worst part is?
- What? - I was gonna change.
I was gonna change!
I didn't even want to wear this until you said something.
- I don't even know why I said it. - Me neither.
The romper gives you an amazing bubble butt.
Baby, it's so round. So sexy.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Why?
Why do we keep going?
With so many chances to stop this pointless fight.
We should've done everything different tonight.
- Ah. - Hey.
Hey, babe, do you think I should change?
Hells, no!
That romper is the bomb diggity.
(CHUCKLES)
GPS VOICE: Drive 300 feet for Fabiano's Cucina.
Aw, Dre, my favorite.
Hi, is that an...
Save it, lady. I'm here to eat with my husband.
Any questions about the menu?
Nope. Chicken.
- Yeah! - (BOTH CHUCKLE)
Happy Valentime's Day.
Oh, I love it when you say "Valentime's."
I know you do.
That would've been better.
So much better.
(SIGHS)
Then again, and I don't want you to take this the wrong way, all right,
but it was kind of nice to go a couple of rounds.
It helps us get stuff off our chests.
- You know, honestly... - Hmm?
...I can't argue with that.
I mean, I just feel like if you hold stuff in for too long,
eventually, it's gonna blow up at the wrong time.
Ooh, ooh, babe, guess who I think I saw at the restaurant tonight?
Gene Hackman.
(CHUCKLES)
What? Oh. Oh. You like it rough today, huh?
Happy...
(MUFFLED SHOUTING)
Wow. Ugly.
Yes.
I love you.
I don't want to kill you.
You know we could go the other way, too.
BOTH: Mmm.
- Oh, babe. - What?
Have you seen my Billy Ocean T-shirt?
What? That's it!
Feel free to remarry, and find the kids a good dad.
- Ahhh! - (THUD)
Are we a bad couple for going at it like that?
- I mean, we went ballistic. - Face it, babe.
We're both strong-ass cups of tea who do not like to back down.
- No, we do not. - Mmm-mmm.
Which is why the good people at Hallmark
invented Valentime's Day.
- Ah. Huh. - Babe.
It's our fight night.
It really is.
It's also when we do our best making up.
Mmm-hmm.
- Seriously, though. - Hmm?
You're gonna read Hoodfellas.
- I really don't want to. - It's okay. I'll read it to you.
No. Don't you dare.
"These days, it's all different. The action's gone.
"Can't even get good grub.
"Last week, I tried to order chicken and waffles and got tofu and quinoa."
Hmm.
"I'm an average homeboy.
"Get to live the rest of my life like a schnookity-schnook."
What do you think?
Goodbye.
- Where you going? - Ahhh!
Bow, no!
I love it.
Really?
Want to read Hood Will Hunting?
No. I...
I want to digest this.
- Oh. Yeah. - Okay.
Ripped By mstoll