All right, here's where we stand.
This nightclub is the home base for the Maric crime syndicate.
I've been tracking the club owner, Vladimir Drogic,
aka "The Dragon,"
aka my first perp with a cool nickname.
What about "El Baboso?" The Dagger?
Yeah, turns out Rosa was lying about that.
"El Baboso" actually means "The Slug."
(ROSA LAUGHS) Tonto. That means "dum-dum."
It was very cruel. I referred to myself as "El Baboso"
to several beautiful Latina ladies.
Oh, that's your type, isn't it, Jakey?
Like Sophia... (JAKE BLABBERING)
Anyway, "The Dragon" is involved in several counts of human trafficking
as well as...
I'm sorry, what's going on? Who are you?
Drexel with the Organized Crime unit.
I'm here for the Maric case materials.
Oh, are you?
Well, we'll see what my captain has to say about this.
Thank you for taking the materials.
Make sure you also pick up the files that are on Peralta's desk.
Wow, that is not how I saw it playing out.
Sir, I thought you said this was my case.
I gave you two weeks. I'm done fending off the Organized Crime unit.
Squad, since Peralta's briefing was cut short,
you can all use this time to clean up your desks.
Look at this place. Half-eaten food, crumpled tissues,
pictures of your families.
What's wrong with pictures?
If you love someone, you'll remember what they look like.
What is this? Rubber band ball.
Keep your bands in a box or a bag.
Since you all apparently have time to play throw,
I'm canceling overtime for the month, effective immediately.
Get to work! And de-ball these bands.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Ripped By mstoll
What is going on?
Holt's been in a bad mood all week.
Did somebody do something to set him off?
Jake, are you seriously asking why Captain Holt is mad?
What do you mean? The Wednesday incident?
Hey, hey. Just closed my 10th felony of the month
and I thought we could celebrate.
Might I remind you that this is a police precinct
and it's 10:00 in the morning?
Thought you might say that.
That's why this is non-alcoholic sparkling cider.
There's absolutely nothing you could be mad about.
(POPS) Uh-oh.
No, no, no. Look, I was the first one in on Wednesday.
This story is already full of holes.
He was in a bad mood before those sprinklers went off.
Something must have happened at home.
Dude, just admit that you ruined everything
and you turned our lives into a living hell.
No biggie. You guys, this is not my fault.
Boyle, you believe me, right?
Don't make me do this, Jake.
Betrayed!
All right, you know what? Fine.
I'm gonna prove to all of you
that something else is responsible for his bad mood.
It's probably Boyle.
Don't worry about it. Don't open it.
No personal calls.
What the hell? That was Marcus.
He's gonna think I hung up on him.
Leave him wanting more.
That's basic seduction stuff, Diaz.
Captain Holt has been in a bad mood,
and I'm not letting it get any worse on my watch.
I need overtime back.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Six banks robbed in three weeks,
$250,000 stolen
citizens trembling in fear.
Well, no more.
Boyle! You got your bank robber.
Went home last night, no overtime,
just me and some brie
and I cracked it.
So, here he is,
the thug that's been terrorizing the city.
Say hello, Marvin.
Hello.
Oh, my God. He's so old.
He's not that old. His nurse isn't even full time.
He couldn't pull off a bank job.
He couldn't pull off the cap on his medicine.
I can hear you.
I'm sorry.
This guy is a ruthless criminal.
I'm sorry, sir. Is this going to take long?
Because I was hoping to buy some slacks this afternoon.
I like corduroy. You like corduroy?
I love corduroy.
He likes corduroy.
You sure you have the right guy?
Wasn't the robber strong and fast?
And able to eat solid foods?
Nobody saw him eat.
The guy wore a rubber mask and his voice was disguised.
My system's a little unsettled.
Could I trouble you for a ginger ale?
Oh, of course, sir.
We'll get that and a comfy chair for you to sit in.
Yeah?
I robbed those banks.
I don't even need the money.
But I like to see the tellers squirm.
I get off on violence.
Oh, my God.
Here you go. Oh, thank you so much.
You're such a doll. I must pay you.
No, no, no. I insist, I insist. Right here.
You remind me of my granddaughter.
Aw, you are so sweet.
I haven't got a granddaughter.
(SIGHS)
What are you doing here? You're not scheduled to work today
and overtime is canceled.
Yeah. Well, remember about a week ago, when I came in here
with a bottle of sparkling cider?
Setting off my sprinklers. Drenching my office.
Destroying a paper crane folded for me by Kevin.
Right, I forgot how that ended.
The point is, that was all just regular cop stuff.
There's no way that can be the reason you've been in such a bad mood.
Bad mood? I'm sorry, have I not been bursting into song enough for you lately?
Would you like me to click my heels together or skip like a school child?
Yes, to all of that.
But for reals, what non-me thing is bothering you?
Is there trouble at home?
Peralta, I'm not gonna discuss my home life with you.
We're not friends. We're not family. You're not my husband.
Oh, that's hurtful.
I thought we had a special bond.
I was your secret Santa last year.
And I already thanked you for the "Who Farted?" Baseball cap.
But you never wear it.
So, Holt won't tell me if something happened at home
because I'm not his husband.
But you know who is his husband?
His husband? His husband.
I was just a little slow.
Yeah, Kevin's not gonna talk to you because he can't stand detectives.
Yes, but he can stand youse.
Nuh-uh. I spent a lot of time cultivating a good relationship with Kevin.
He finally calls me Gina instead of Ms. Linetti.
All right, fine. Then, I'm calling in my chit.
You kiss your mother with that mouth? No, "Chi-it."
What? Remember when I got you this job?
You said, "OMG, Jake! I owe you one!"
I said "OMG"?
That was before other people started saying it. I was an originator.
You said I could ask for anything.
And for six years, I've been sitting on that chit.
Well, now, I'm cashing it in.
A receipt for almonds?
Yeah, I just thought it would be more dramatic
to slide something across the table.
It wasn't. But since I made that promise, fine.
Hey, Kevin. Gina, good to see you.
Jake's here, too.
Yo!
Gina, I know you like champagne with a drop of pomegranate juice.
I like to say it's nature's classiest alcohol mixed with its "narstiest" fruit.
And Peralta, I hope this will do.
It's a can of orange soda from when some other children visited.
It's perfect. Thank you for inviting us in.
Yes, I invited Gina in. You were with her.
Okay, look. Everyone's blaming me for the Captain's horrible mood
because of a small thing that happened Wednesday morning.
When you flooded his office with cider?
Well, the water actually flooded it. The cider just caused it.
But I swear, he was already upset when he got to work.
He was anger articulating.
Coat, coat, jacket, coat.
Is this a police precinct, or a Turkish bazaar?
Hmm. Yes, I dread those annunciated denunciations.
Yeah, I hate those. (REPEATS UNINTELLIGIBLY)
So, my question is,
could something have happened at home before he left for work?
Well, I remember that morning.
He left this house at 7:00 and was in a great mood.
In fact, he was still chuckling about
the previous night's Charlie Rose.
Fine, so your marriage might not be the problem.
But he didn't get to work until 10:00.
That means whatever ruined his mood happened in those three hours.
We have to retrace his steps.
We? I'm not going to investigate my own husband.
Uh-huh. Totally.
Well, that was a great chit-chat, don't you think, Gina?
Seemed like it went real bad for you.
Chit-chat?
Oh. You know, Kevin, maybe if we figure out what caused Raymond's bad mood,
we could fix it. Good idea, Gina.
I suppose we could look into it.
Yes! Great. Let's go right now.
No time to lose. Don't look, just run!
You're trying to get me out of here before
I see the orange soda you spilled on that chair, aren't you?
I'm already out the door! It worked!
What the hell?
Are you throwing a tea party for this monster?
He was sitting in processing, and he just looked so lonely.
This guy is guilty. He confessed to me,
but now he's pretending that he didn't.
You must have misheard me.
I didn't do anything.
Except being charmed by these two lovely ladies.
Oh, cut it with the "sweet old coot" routine.
You're going to jail, my friend, in a trolley named Charles.
A trolley? Trolleys are cool.
They have the bells. You know what?
Just take your tea and leave my perp alone. Please?
Thank you, ladies for bringing a little sunshine into my gray life.
(SIGHS)
You want to know what I'm gonna do with the money I stole?
Hmm? Prostitutes.
(GROANING)
Amy, you heard him. Tell me you heard him!
What? Son of a bitch!
Well, this is where Raymond eats breakfast every morning.
Yes, I know. He's always raving about how they don't have specials.
Diane, hello. This is my friend, Gina. And this is Detective Peralta.
They work with my Raymond.
Oh, Peralta.
You are so old to behave the way you do.
Oof. What?
I'm sure he vents about everyone on the squad.
Nope. Just you.
Damn it, Diane! What are you doing after this?
So, did anything unusual happen when Raymond was here last Wednesday?
Did he mention anything?
No. He had his regular breakfast.
Room temperature water and one hard-boiled egg yolk.
Hmm. Well, that is his good mood food.
So, Peralta, we know he was fine through breakfast.
Looks like you're still on the hook.
No, there was still plenty of time before he got to work.
Gina, what did he do next?
Well, according to his "schedge", his next stop was his weekly painting class.
Painting class?
Can I guess what he paints?
Pictures of pie charts.
Multiple still lifes of this gray rock.
(WHISPERS) It's even more boring.
So, Gerald, did anything happen to Raymond last week?
Did he seem like something or someone had him in a bad mood?
It was his day to pick the music, and he chose Haydn.
So, he was in a good mood or a bad mood?
GINA: A great mood, Jake.
Oh, you're Jake.
Damn it. What are you doing after this, Gerald?
What is wrong with our Internet?
I like to back up my data every 15 minutes
and it's taking 17 minutes per backup.
I'm in a data-backup deficit.
We are in the same boat.
I've been trying to load this video all day.
You're watching videos during work?
I told him to do it, sir. It's case-related.
"Turtle humps computer mouse."
Yeah. "Turtle" is the name of a local pervert we are chasing.
(SIGHS)
Come on, Hitchcock! Get it together!
So, did anything strange happen
when you and Raymond sparred last week?
No. As usual, Raymond was the king of the croisé
and I got in a few good raddoppios.
So, just a bunch of normal words.
Are you sure we're talking about last Wednesday?
Positive. I haven't seen him since.
You haven't? Hmm-mmm.
I'm sorry. I need to leave. Excuse me.
Kevin? Kev?
What's going on?
Raymond has been lying to me.
Three mornings this week, he told me he was fencing with Dan.
Why would he do that? Why would he lie to me?
I don't know. Maybe it's connected to his bad mood.
My husband does not lie to me.
This investigation of yours was a bad idea. I'm going home.
I have to sort this out with Raymond.
Goodbye, Peralta.
Linetti. Linetti?
No. We were on a first-name basis.
Gina, this is bad.
Kevin's upset, Holt's gonna be angry, we're both gonna get fired,
and I'm gonna die alone.
Jake, why don't you just do the right thing and jump out a window?
Captain Holt will never fire me
if he knows I'm mourning the death of a close friend.
Or we could try plan B and just fix it.
You never even tried plan A though.
Hey. How did it go with Kevin?
Are you willing to admit everything's your fault?
No, Amy. Because none of this is my fault.
Except for how you meddled in the Captain's life today,
possibly causing repercussions in his marriage that could last a lifetime.
Yes. That is completely on me.
But Amy, you didn't know that, so you were still wrong.
You two need to go.
You're not supposed to be here and the Captain's at a new level of anger.
Constant smiling.
(CHUCKLING)
It's horrible.
All smiling's horrible. This is worse.
We're here so I can activate the Holy Network of Administrative Assistants.
Acronym "H-Naah."
We high-level assistants keep track of what's going on with all the bosses.
Jealous, Amy? Yeah, I'd tap that.
Network. I'd tap that network. That's a thing people say.
Yeah. No.
I've answered all your questions, young man.
What more do you want from me?
I'd like you to tell Santiago about the banks you robbed
and how you get off on violence.
What? Boyle. Oh, my God.
(KNOCKING)
What are you doing? Why are you being so weird about this?
Marvin Miller is guilty and he thinks he can get away with it.
He also thinks the subway should be horses.
He's old is what I'm saying.
He knows exactly what he's doing.
He's messing with me because I'm not intimidating
like Terry or dignified like Jake or model handsome like Jake or funny like Jake.
(SIGHS) Yeah, I might buy my shoes at a kids' store,
and yeah, I might be scared of geese.
But I am a damn good cop and I will not be made a fool of.
So, I'm gonna go into that room
and I'm gonna get that lousy old geezer
to admit on camera that he robbed those banks.
He just died.
What?
Okay, here's what I learned.
The chief's assistant, Ryan, was only pretending to have mono.
Gina, about Holt. Fine.
Apparently, he was supposed to meet Deputy Chief Ash near his fencing club at 9:30.
But he canceled at the very last minute with no explanation.
"H-Naah" does it again. (GIGGLING)
Okay. So, something happened between fencing and coffee.
We just have to figure out what.
Totes. But first, let's check in with Ryan on how to fake mono.
Because if I can nail that,
whoo! Game changer.
Okay. So, Captain Holt leaves fencing and heads north.
If we really want to do this, we've got to get in his head.
We have to be Captain Holt.
(IN DEEP VOICE) Hello, Gina.
How does this sound?
Captain Holt, is that you?
Oh, no, it's Jake, nailing your voice exactly.
Right? The trick is to find a key phrase you know exactly how he'd say.
Mine is "Peralta, that's enough!"
Seriously, Jake, this is getting scary.
(LAUGHS IN A DEEP VOICE)
Come with me, young wise assistant.
Let us walk in this direction.
Oh. A hot dog.
Would I stop? Not for one of those, I wouldn't.
Damn it, it's morphing into British. Do your catchphrase.
Peralta, that's enough!
And I'm walking with purpose.
And bingo.
A door?
(GASPS) It's a Narnia situation.
No, but I love that.
It's a security camera.
Something happened to Holt when he walked past here, we'll be able to see it.
(IMITATING HOLT) Peralta, you genius.
Hmm, that does not sound like him.
Okay. Personal photos are down, kitchen is spotless,
and I got the silver-painted breakdancer outside
to move his very loud boom box elsewhere.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
You beat him in a dance-off?
No, I destroyed him.
There's absolutely nothing here that will set off Holt.
Oh, oh! I was trying to cook my oatmeal with a road flare
but it caught on fire.
Why are you using a road flare?
You said the kitchen was off-limits!
Yeah. This is your fault, Sarge. Give me that.
I'm just holding a road flare, stepping on some oatmeal.
Just doing me.
I can't believe that you of all people are my biggest problem today, Jeffords.
Kevin, is the Captain home?
No. Good. I figured out what happened to him.
He was mugged.
What? He told you this?
No. I used my detective skills as well as my spot-on Holt impression to figure it out.
I retraced his steps and found security footage.
After he left fencing, three shady guys followed him into an alley.
One of them had a knife.
That's why he's been in such a bad mood.
He's a police captain that got mugged. He's embarrassed.
Oh, my goodness.
Peralta. There he is!
What are you doing in my house? Raymond.
You were mugged? What?
What did you say to him?
Captain, it's okay. There's nothing to be embarrassed about.
I'm not embarrassed and I wasn't mugged.
Three men tried to mug me. But I fought them off, injuring two of them.
Wait, so you heroically fought off three guys and that put you in a bad mood?
If I did that, I would literally write a song about myself.
It would be like...
(SINGING) Jake, the hero Abs of steel, sha-la-la-la.
Why would you keep this from me?
And why would you lie about going to fencing?
Because he couldn't go.
Because he's injured.
I wasn't injured. I was lightly stabbed.
I'm sorry. You were stabbed?
Lightly stabbed. I didn't want to frighten you.
(SCOFFS) You are my husband.
I want you to tell me everything.
Especially things that might frighten me. How can you not know that?
Raymond, you are unbelievable.
Hey, Captain. You look so tall.
What you have done is beyond unprofessional.
You cannot muck around in people's private lives. Get out of my house.
But get into your car?
I'll go.
Sir. Detective.
So, how was your night?
Of work. I'm not asking about your personal life.
I don't care about you personally.
I mean, I'm neutral.
I mean, who are you?
Floundering is worse than silence.
Oh. Cool, cool, cool, cool. No doubt, no doubt, no doubt.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Man, this elevator is slow, huh?
That's because you haven't pressed the button.
That's why you're the Captain.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) So smart. I want to just...
(CLICKS HIS TONGUE) Zip.
(IN INDIAN ACCENT) No more talky!
Hmm. (ELEVATOR DINGS)
Yeek, blast of cold air coming out of that box.
Name of Amy's sex tape.
Hey, man, come on. Not cool.
I'm going through something. Just let me have this one.
I'm sorry you wasted your chit, Jake.
It's all right. I want to apologize to Holt,
but it seems personal and I'm not supposed to talk to him about personal stuff.
Oh, boo. I guess you need to think of some professional way to make it up to him.
Wait a minute. Gina, that's it.
I just had an idea.
(IN DEEP VOICE) Peralta, you're a genius.
Who was that? ScarJo?
It was Holt, and I think you know that.
I thought it was ScarJo.
I can't believe that bastard beat me.
Whoa. He's dead. It's kind of hard to see how he's the winner in this.
He made me look like an idiot.
No, Amy and I were the idiots.
Because we let that ancient windbag fool us.
He robbed the banks.
He gave me money for the ginger ale.
After you insisted he was guilty,
I went back and checked his dollar.
The serial numbers matched the stolen bills.
You brought in the right guy.
You're a damn good cop, Boyle.
I know. No one listens.
Except when you threw water in his dead face. That was rough.
I thought he was faking it.
I wanted to splash the lies out of him.
All right, Detective. What is this all about? You have 70 seconds.
Why 70?
Do you really want to waste your time while I explain my algorithm?
Right. All right. So, I pulled a still from the security footage
of your attempted mugging and sent it to the nearby precincts.
We ID'd one of the mopes and that's his apartment.
I thought maybe you would want to do the honors.
And you think this will make everything you did better?
Well, maybe. It was Gina's idea, so...
It will. Gina had nothing to do with it.
You want to know why I was so angry all week?
When those men came at me, I acted like I was a 20-year-old.
I took a stupid risk and I got myself stabbed.
I was in pain and frustrated about lying to the man I love.
Kevin. Yes.
Obviously Kevin. Obviously.
What I'm trying to say is you were right all along.
I wasn't mad at you. I was mad at myself, and I took it out on the squad.
Peralta, you're a genius.
Oh, my God. You said it.
I heard you practicing in the men's room.
Yeah, that makes more sense.
Attention, squad. Quick announcement.
Overtime is reinstated,
and you are each allowed two personal photographs,
two trinkets, and three assorted knickknacks.
You know what? Just follow Sergeant Jeffords' lead.
He always knows how to keep this place running smoothly.
Nice. So, rubber band balls are back.
Oh, no, it's bad for the bands.
Ah, Kevin. Let me just get my coat.
Hello, Peralta.
Gina. Oh, sweet Lords of Dance,
thank you!
We're back on a first name basis.
Kevin, I am unable
and unwilling to discuss personal matters with you.
I'm aware of that, yes.
In any case, thank you for your help.
I brought you both gifts.
Original Raymond Holts.
(GINA GASPS)
I will treasure this painting of a rock for all times.
Ah, Rock 59 and 367. Those are good rocks.
367 paintings of one rock?
This guy parties!
Ripped By mstoll