[♪♪♪]
Hey, Kimmy. My God.
Would you look at all this misdelivered mail?
This government can't do anything right.
Well, what can you expect from a president
with no real-world postal experience?
Anything for me? Yeah.
There's some tapes for Titus from Columbia House.
Sweet. We ordered the Rain Man soundtrack.
Sweet. Also, there's a letter for a Kimmy...
Oh. No, never mind, because this is for Kimmy Schmidt.
Oh, that's probably for me. Schmidt sounds a lot like Smith.
So you're saying that you're Kimberly Schmidt?
It's probably from my friend Cyndee. Nope.
From the state of Indiana. You've been served.
What? Lillian.
See, I'm a drug lookout and a process server.
This way when business is bad, whoof, business is good.
The new tapes are here! Tape day!
Forget the tapes. I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that.
The trial is starting. They called me as a witness.
What channel is it on? I mean, what channel is it on?
I'm trying to say something supportive.
What channel is it on? I don't wanna go, Titus.
Think of the greater good, girl.
You think the Reverend Martin Luther King wanted to wear a bikini
and put on angel wings and gyrate on the gay pride parade float?
Foop! I'm mixing up my struggles.
Why do I have to go to a stupid trial? I never wanna see the Reverend again.
And why stupid now? Jacqueline is flipping out about her divorce.
Dong wants to get married before he's out of the country.
I can't handle all this. Super foop.
Your trial isn't gonna be on national TV.
I have to watch it on the Internet. What if I get cyber-bullied?
Sorry it's inconvenient for you to be entertained
by the darkest chapter in my life. Kimmy, sweetheart.
I'm gonna go to the library and watch it. Damn it.
I'm really trying to comfort you.
I'm gonna go to the library and watch it. I'm gonna go... Sorry.
Library... Nope. Forget it.
I'm just gonna go to the library and watch it.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Ripped By mstoll
♪ Unbreakable They alive, damn it ♪
♪ It's a miracle ♪
♪ Unbreakable They alive, damn it ♪
♪ But females are strong as hell ♪
♪ Unbreakable They alive, damn it ♪
♪ It's a miracle ♪
♪ Unbreakable They alive, damn it ♪
That's gonna be, uh...
You know, uh, a fascinating transition.
♪ Damn it ♪♪
"Women, kidnapped,
bunker, trial."
Nope. Not the one in the abandoned Bennigan's.
Not that one or that one.
Come on, Florida.
Scrolling, scrolling...
Indiana.
Finally.
What is up, society?
I'm Carla Tuesday at the trial
of Reverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne
for kidnapping, lying to a census worker,
and according to neighbors, leaving Christmas lights up way too long.
There's Cyndee Pokorny.
Cyndee Pokorny, who are you wearing?
Kathy Ireland for Family Dollar.
Oh, Donna Maria Nuñez.
Donna Maria Nuñez, ay-yi-yi.
Everyone in Durnsville loves your Mole Woman Molé Sauce.
[IN SPANISH]
This trial is a sham.
The Reverend only has to answer to Gosh himself
and that online quiz that tells him which 90210 character he is.
He is Andrea.
CARLA: The defendant, Richard Wayne, is now entering the courtroom.
TITUS: That's the Reverend?
That's not what I expected.
Well, who do we have here? Carla Tuesday. WDUR. The Dur.
Reverend, is it true that you'll be representing yourself?
Carla, let me tell you a story.
I was walking on the beach with the Lord
and there were two sets of footprints in the sand.
And then there were three sets of footprints.
And I said, "Who's that?"
And the Lord said:
"It's Dale Earnhardt. He's a big fan of yours. "
My client won't be answering any more of your questions.
Stay in school, kids.
[♪♪♪]
He cleans up well. Ahem.
Back to you, Trent.
Good morning, Vera. How is she today?
I don't know. She didn't even touch her breakfast.
Good morning, Kimmy.
Mrs. Not-Voorhees-Anymore.
You look bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
No, I got that lasered off.
Look, Kimmy, I know that I have been overwhelmed with everything lately.
My cheating ex-husband, de Blasio's war on the rich.
Not to mention these crow's feet that I found in Buckley's bedroom.
And then you tell me you're a mole woman?
It's a lot.
Yeah. Well, imagine being me. Absolutely not.
But now I'm in daily sessions with Tristafé.
And he says that none of that matters
because it has nothing to do with my me.
If I just follow my bliss, I don't even have to think about that stuff.
I wish I could do that. I can't even sleep at night.
I tried counting sheep then I started thinking:
"Why are they jumping over that fence?
What are they so afraid of? What's chasing them?"
You should go to Tristafé with me.
So it's like a group thing?
Because I didn't love the last group thing you took me to.
[WOMAN SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
Um, Mrs. Voorhees?
Oh, Kimmy, it's nothing weird. It's just a fitness class.
Oh, okay. Am I dressed all right?
The answer to that has never been yes.
There is no world outside this room.
This time is a sacrifice at the altar of you.
And who are you?
ALL: I am me!
[ALL CHEER]
I'm Marcia. He's Chris.
Who here likes justice?
That's why you You...
need to pronounce Reverend Wayne
guilty. Guilty! Dang it.
Sorry, Marcia. No.
Don't ever apologize for trying your hardest.
[♪♪♪]
Well, I'm not a fancy "lawyer," like these two.
Heck, the only book I ever read is the good book.
The Andromeda Strain by Michael Crichton.
And, of course, I never go anywhere without my pocket Bible.
Now, this book has saved me in more ways than one.
In Vietnam it stopped a bullet.
That was in 1994.
See, I'm a man of faith.
I believe in Gosh, and his son Jeepers.
And the Holy Ghost who is here today, supporting me.
Don't let that influence you.
I guess my point is,
last time I checked, faith wasn't a crime in this country.
Mr. Foreman, can you read what's written on this $20 bill?
Right under the words "The United States of America."
"In God we trust."
Thank you. You may keep that.
So why am I being tried for my belief that the apocalypse is coming?
Ladies and gentlemen,
the only thing I'm guilty of is trying to save these girls
from the end of days.
I just done goofed up the math and got the date wrong.
Now, if being bad at math is against the law,
well, then lock me up.
[PEOPLE CHUCKLING]
But you better lock up Bob from the Cost Rite too.
Because he gives worse change than Obama.
[PEOPLE CHUCKLING]
Not my president.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, my.
He is wonderful.
I mean, he's a bad person, but he sure is watchable.
Be quiet, Titus. I'm trying to listen. Shh.
RICHARD: I'd like to play you folks a song about another
crazy preacher you might have heard of.
His name was Jesus.
♪ He was a one-eyed, one-horned Flying purple people eater ♪
♪ One-eyed, one-horned Flying purple people eater ♪
♪ Sure looks strange to me ♪
♪ A one-eyed, one-horned Flying purple people eater ♪
♪ One-eyed one-horned Flying purple... ♪♪
That was amazing. I really focused on my me.
I didn't think about anything else.
Isn't it refreshing? Next time let's go early
so we can get bikes next to each other. You can't ride in the front row with me.
Tristafé will summon you forward when you've earned it.
I'll never forget where I was when Tristafé asked me to join the front row.
I was in spin class. I bet you'll be moving up soon.
You must have had an amazing trainer down in the bunker.
I'm not running a restaurant, Gretchen. This is dinner.
Kimmy! A little higher.
Sorry. How's that?
One of the things I was trying not to think about.
But now I'm thinking about the bunker and the Reverend.
And Dong getting deported
and that time I called my teacher "Mommy."
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Oh, no, not Cyndee.
[CELL PHONE BUZZING]
Now I'm thinking about my divorce and being on my own
how I had to listen to things you were thinking about.
When's the next class?
Hey, Kimmy, it's Cyndee Pokorny.
We were kidnapped together? Just wondering where you are.
Because it's going real good here, except it's going real bad.
Reverend Richard is a great man.
He didn't kidnap us. He saved us. And he would have saved everyone
if he wasn't so worried about it being a sausage fest.
[♪♪♪]
I'd like to use one of our do-overs.
[IN SPANISH]
Does anybody here speak Spanish?
Of course. She said that the bunker was great,
and she'd do it again.
[GRUNTS]
I think you might have me confused with someone else.
I've never been to Durnsville in my life.
Yeah. You're a surprise witness.
If we knew who you were it wouldn't be a surprise.
Anyhoo, you gotta get here.
I'm supposed to testify tomorrow, and you know how tricky the Reverend is.
And our lawyers don't seem to know what the heck they're doing.
How do you think that went, Cyndee? B? B-plus?
So is this your first case, or?
Ha-ha-ha. I love it.
See, this why we moved here. Anonymity.
In Durnsville we're just Marcia and Chris.
Not famously incompetent California prosecutors.
Hey, he's in jail now.
So who has four thumbs and loosened that jelly jar? Unh!
The only thing important here is for me and you
to see where this relationship can go.
Pedal, pedal!
Be like a drunk girl getting out of a cab and leave everything behind!
Your bag, your keys.
Yes, that ginger in the corner
is going to have to call her landlord from a payphone!
Scream, you drunk mess, scream!
Turn your resistance all the way up to Gandhi.
[ALL GROANING]
Oh, it's supposed to hurt.
It's Gandhi.
[SCREAMS]
Follow your bliss. Trademark Tristafé.
Imagine yourself on a beautiful beach.
On a bicycle.
I see a dolphin. Yes, it's beautiful.
I see it too. You're a liar!
You see no dolphin!
Tell me more of the dolphin, ginger.
There is only here.
There is only now.
My mind is so blank I don't even know how to talk anym...
And so we are done.
And unclip, ladies.
[♪♪♪]
I prefer my students in ponytails so I can imagine them as ponies.
[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Can you believe we biked all day?
Tristafé's amazing.
"Tristafé's amazing." That sounded exactly like me.
That was like listening to a mirror. Be quiet, Kimmy.
And clean that up.
But Tristafé says...
You don't tell me what Tristafé says.
I brought you to SpiritCycle
and how do you repay me?
You take my bike and exile me to the second row
with those sloppy baby-weight disasters.
Tristafé warned me you would lash out.
Oh, really?
And exactly when did you have a private conversation with Tristafé?
The front row had a cucumber water cooldown after class.
I guess I'll have to tell Tristafé that you forgot your place
and yelled at a first row bike. No. No, no, please.
Please. Good.
Now, drink.
[♪♪♪]
I can taste your power.
What are you doing here? The trial started already.
Titus, I've decided I'm not going. What? But you have to.
The only thing I have to do is follow my bliss.
And Indiana is nowhere near my mind beach.
What white nonsense is this?
It's SpiritCycle.
Tristafé is teaching me to leave everything behind.
Like a toddler at an out-of-state restaurant.
Listen to me. Your lawyers' statement was mostly a slideshow
of their trip to see the fall colors. If you don't go,
they might set the Reverend free. That has nothing to do with this.
Kimmy. Kimmy.
Okay, bye.
[♪♪♪]
[TYPING]
RICHARD: Ms. Pokorny, we've never met before, have we?
Yes. You kept me in an underground bunker for 15 years.
That's weird.
Because in your deposition,
you described this man, or more likely woman,
as having a big, bushy beard.
Yes, that's right. A beard?
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do you see a beard?
[GASPS]
RICHARD: I told you, I'm not very good at math, Ms. Pokorny.
I've been very upfront about that.
But even to me, your story doesn't add up.
[PEOPLE MURMURING]
"He makes some really good points. I can see where he's coming from.
Reasonable doubt, you know."
[♪♪♪]
Find your beach, my little ponies. The sun is shining.
The waves are crashing. The...
Jacqueline, get off my beach. Find your own.
This isn't fair to people with no imagination.
[SIGHS]
[♪♪♪]
I'm there.
It's beautiful.
CYNDEE: Kimmy!
Kimmy, wait up!
What are you doing? You're not supposed to be here.
Neither should you!
We need you in Durnsville. No, I'm not going.
This only proves that the Reverend was right.
Without him, we turn against each other.
Like when Dillon tells the whole team that David is Jewish in School Ties.
[IN SPANISH]
CYNDEE: Kimmy, no! Don't leave us!
I'm sorry. It just doesn't fit.
Really? Darn it.
I swear, I'm gonna find out
who this glove belongs to. I know.
MARCIA: Now, Reverend,
if you were me,
what would you ask you?
Well, if I were you,
I would ask me about...
♪ A long, long time ago, I can still remember ♪♪
Why doesn't someone ask how come after the apocalypse didn't happen,
he didn't let us go? Shut up!
Shut your mouth!
RICHARD: No, it's a fair question.
You see, I worked for years
on figuring out the date of the apocalypse.
June 6, 2006.
Six-six-six.
It came to me while watching Sesame Street.
The number of the day was 9 and I was in my gravity boots.
But when that day came and went, I felt like a real heel.
What can I say? I...
I'm hard on myself.
But I wasn't about to give up on those girls.
Because I... Or whoever was down in that bunker
had them in there since 1998
getting ready for the rapture.
And you know how long it takes ladies to get ready.
Ha-ha-ha. This one... Oh! Pfft.
My point is what if I had let them out
and then the rapture happened like two days later?
Because the Bible says
it's coming.
And I know it's coming soon.
That doesn't scare me.
The signs are all around you, if you'd just open your eyes.
Men debasing themselves for pleasure.
[♪♪♪]
And the few good among us...
That's me. I'm good.
- powerless against the faceless evil of petty tyranny.
Just like in School Ties.
The library is closed.
I'm powerless against the faceless evil of petty tyranny.
Oh, God, it's happening.
[♪♪♪]
Evil will rise
from the depths of the Earth.
Bottles and models, bitches! Oh!
What white nonsense was that?
Woman shall lie with beast.
Get ahold of yourself, Titus.
And the devil herself shall appear in a cloud of smoke
and drag you down to the foulest pit of hell.
[SCREAMS]
Hey, Titus. You wanna go to Boston Market?
It's the devil! Ha-ha.
I'm not the devil.
The sulfur smell is because I'm doing a hard-boiled egg cleanse.
Lillian, I got sucked in by a crazy person
and I started to believe what he was saying.
And if that happened to me with my iron will...
Iron will? Ha-ha-ha.
You couldn't even stay standing for this whole conversation.
My point is, that man is dangerous and he must be stopped.
And there's only one person who can do it.
[♪♪♪]
[DOOR OPENS]
Kimberly, that man is dangerous. No.
Get off my beach.
Get your beach out of my Olympic men's figure skating locker room.
We all have our fantasies.
That monster told you how to dress, how to wear your hair, what to think.
He locked you up and told you the outside world didn't exist.
And you believed him. I didn't.
I never believed a word the Reverend said.
I'm not talking about the Reverend. I'm talking about him.
Tristafé? No, he's not...
Look at yourself, girl frenemy.
The clothes, the hair.
You walk around spouting his gibberish. Of course he spouts gibberish.
He studied spirit-biking in Giberia.
I am not locked up anywhere.
I can go wherever I want.
[♪♪♪]
I just have to unclip my shoes.
Oh! Oh, my goodness. Are you okay?
[♪♪♪]
SpiritCycle is a cult.
It's just another cult.
Why does this keep happening?
What's wrong with me? But it could happen to anyone.
It almost happened to me. You?
With your iron will?
That's what I said.
You're right. I have to go to Durnsville.
Kimberly, when I first heard about your dealio,
all I cared about was the lurid, titillating details.
Like how we built Can Man to practice kissing on
and we had one rule, don't fall in love with Can Man?
But Can Man was irresistible? No.
No, all I care about is helping my friend.
So I'm coming with you.
You'd do that for me?
So I can see the trial without ads. Sorry.
I meant so I can see the trial without ads.
I'm really trying to be supportive here.
I'm your friend
so I'm gonna come to Durnsville with you.
So I can see the trial without ads.
Thanks, Titus.
I just need to take care of something first.
[♪♪♪]
Time to clip in.
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
Ladies! And gay guy.
This is a spin-tervention.
That man is a fraud!
Kimmy, how dare you. I gifted you with the sacred words:
[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Sacred words?
Jockomo feena nay is from "Iko Iko."
From the Rain Man soundtrack.
Is that a brand-new cassette tape of the Rain Man soundtrack?
And his name isn't Tristafé.
It's Christopher. WOMEN: Oh!
He just pronounces it like an idiot. Ever wonder why it's dark here?
Kimmy, don't touch those.
[ALL GASPING]
MAN: Oh, God.
And he's not even pedaling his bike.
It's just a video.
That's how he does 10 classes a day.
Kimmy. Don't move that monitor.
WOMEN: Oh!
Don't judge. IBS is real.
He was on the toilet the whole time?
Oh, God. That's what the candles are for.
They're also to set the mood.
Why do we keep doing this to ourselves?
Replacing one stupid male authority figure with another.
Like Days of Our Lives replaces Roman Bradys.
I liked the first Roman.
You're a moron.
Sorry. That's just wrong.
Jacqueline, is Christopher here really any different than Julian?
Different than any guy who says he'll make you richer
or prettier or safer if you just let him make all the decisions?
When it's time to look at fabric swatches for the banquette, he's got no opinion.
Sure. That. WOMAN: Yeah.
Kimmy, I need to find out who I really am.
Not just wait for some guy to come and tell me.
And I need a few days off.
I'm going to Durnsville to testify against the Reverend.
Oh, Kimmy.
I'll dock your pay accordingly.
[♪♪♪]
[TOILET FLUSHING]
Usually you can't hear that because of the music.
All right, ladies, today is a gift.
That's why we call it the present. Let's lock and load.
[♪♪♪]
Ripped By mstoll