Now that we're off the shit list, we back
to big balling, baby.
Previously on House of Lies...
Some sons finding out that their father had untreatable cancer
might be inclined to drop everything.
After I told you that I am carrying your baby,
I kind of can't believe that you have no reaction.
This is my reaction.
Mark, simply stated, Ellis Hightower is a predator.
Predator. She is scary.
Right? JEANNIE: And we have just given her
controlling interest in our company.
Holy shit. Blowtorch.
ELLIS: Fuck this! MARTY: Ell-Jeezy!
The same mega-cunt trashing my company all over cable news
just happens to dump a load of cash into Kaan and Associates?
It's nice when dreams work out, huh?
Yeah. You wanted me to own you...
and now I do.
♪ Think I'm all right ♪
♪ I think it's not a good day to die today ♪
♪ You know I feel like flyin' ♪
♪ I'm holding up my hand, let me see your face, yeah... ♪
All right, nice run.
All right, Dad, look.
This next trick, it's called a disaster.
"A disaster"?
That's really a messed-up name
for something that you could actually die doing.
Thus the name.
(short laugh)
All right, let's see it.
(sighs)
Disaster...
averted! (chuckling)
Uh, yeah! Economic health restored.
At least for the moment.
But thanks to a shitload of hard work--
and an endowment from my billionaire fuck buddy--
K and A is not only back on its feet,
but poised to go wilding through the consulting landscape
on an acquisition bender,
scooping up all the little companies in its path--
one from here, one from there--
leaving a swath of broken hearts and dreams in its wake
as we disembowel our foes
and fill our coffers.
Aw, man, I got to say
today is a good day.
Whoa-ho-ho-ho. (clapping)
(whistles)
Sweet disaster. Now, come on.
I got to get you to school before...
Come on, Dad. T-Ten more minutes.
Five, Ro. I need you to get to school on time.
Unless you want to just quit school
and train for the X Games.
Jeannie!
Hey. Hi.
(Roscoe laughs)
Can you please talk some sense into my dad tonight at dinner
about, I mean, not tearing this thing down. I will try.
Hold on. Wait, wait.
At-at dinner?
Grandpa didn't tell you? I thought you...
Um, Jeremiah called me yesterday.
Oh. You and Pops are pals now?
I... Well, he invited me to dinner.
What's the occasion? You know...
just family dinner.
I think Uncle Malcolm's coming, too.
Great! Broke-ass Tavis Smiley.
Family dinner.
It should be fun. (laughs)
You know what else sounds like fun?
School.
You got to go.
So, do you know if it's a boy or girl?
It's, um...
it's a girl.
It's a girl. Cool.
When is she gonna get to come over?
Hey! Ring, ring, ring, ring! Well...
I hear school bells.
Bye. Bye.
I'll see you tonight.
Yeah, we'll pick it up later
at our cozy little family dinner.
Are...
you fucking serious?
This is... Marty!
(snaps fingers) Marty, Marty, Marty, Marty!
Jeannie, Jeannie, come. Come, come, come, come.
Jeannie, please, come see this, please.
(quietly): But also be very quiet.
(gasps)
Oh, no. No, no, no.
Yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh, wait.
What...?
Don't! I shouldn't.
I'm going to! Don't... don't do that.
(laughter) Shh.
Gentle, gentle, gentle. Be very gentle.
Let him sleep. Be gentle.
Hello, Kitty.
Oh, my God.
Shit! What time is it?
Oh, no. God. Shit.
Oh, my God, you know, No, no, no. Oh, no.
I would've overslept, too, if I had some comfy,
snuggly manjamas like those!
Why, oh, why are you wearing that, Douglas?
Is this, like, a plushy thing where you and other
Cookie Monster fans throw your keys in a bowl?
Yeah, you going for that?
It's not entirely sexual. Come on, grow up.
Look, I-I knew I'd be working late on the Zobel presentation,
so I thought I'd slip into something more comfortable.
What's wrong with that?
So many fucking things.
But your dedication is duly noted.
Yes! Thank you, Marty. I appreciate that.
Well, I thought that someone had to roll out the red carpet
for, uh, Ron Zobel and his team.
Why don't we go pick up some S'muffins, too?
DOUG: Not a bad idea. I mean, I'm excited to meet him.
You know, the genius turnaround artist
hand-picked by Denna.
Couple pastries might not go astray.
Kiddies, he's been brought in here to aid in our getting huge.
Don't worry about it.
You may want to change though, Pussy.
Well, yeah, obviously, I mean...
You're such a sweet, sweet pussy, Doug.
You're a sweet baby. (laughs)
Why am I a pussy? (Marty meows)
I don't know. Who knows?
Have you seen these keys?
Yeah. Yeah.
Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!
(elevator bell dings)
Ho.
(laughs)
Ron Zobel.
Ron Zobel. What a pleasure.
Wow, you must be the great Martin Kaan, huh?
Ah. You can call me Marty.
Eh, Martin sounds stronger.
Let's do that.
Denna speaks the world of you by the way.
Nice work to be hitting that boss lady, huh? Ooh.
(chuckles) Okay.
Yeah.
And, uh, who...? No, no. They're with me.
Best not to mix with them, you know?
Keeps them data pure.
Date pure, data strong.
Know what I mean, Martin? Okay.
So, what is going on here?
All right, what we's got going on here then?
Yeah, I'm feeling...
I don't know. I'm feeling...
I got a feeling of deadness.
Yeah, lack of commerce.
I got the sixth sense-- I see dead business.
Well, uh, we are going through a rebuilding process...
Okay, Martin, I'm just gonna stop you right there.
Okay?
So, you're saying, you know,
(gibberish) bullshit, bullshit, rebuilding.
Okay? But what I hear,
what Ron Zobel is hearing,
is "I'm defending my old ways,
which have only taken me so far." Am I right?
Well, of course, I'm right... You're always fucking right.
I'm always fucking right! Thank you. Oh!
Specfuckintacular.
You and me, we're gonna...
we're gonna... Huh?
Yeah.
What?
Huh?
Do you he...?
I'm hearing a, you know,
like a...
I hear a sound. I'm hearing a...
Is it, I don't know, an AC unit or...?
No, no, no, no. So-something else.
It's like a...
I mean, it's like a... shh-boof!
Shh-boof, shh-boof sound.
It's like a...
Holy shit!
(quietly): Fuckin'.
It's coming all the way from Fort Worth, Texas, man.
It's the sound of one of those
big ol' high-speed rotary presses
from the Bureau of Engraving and Printing,
and it is printing money.
Okay? Okay.
Crisp hundred dollar bills
for us. I see what you're doing.
Oh, I hear it.
Do you hear it? (laughs)
I don't mean hear it, do you hear it?
Say it-- "I hear it."
Well, I don't actually hear it.
Oh, no, but do you hear it?
Do you hear it?
Say it-- "I hear it."
"I hear it." Say it.
Say it-- "I hear it."
I'm good, Ron.
Say it-- "I hear it."
"I hear it." Say it.
I hear it.
(laughs, grunting)
Yeah.
MARTY: So, as you can see
with our outreach strategy, uh, K and A's profit margins are
just gonna blast through the fucking...
Ron? Ron?
Hey. (snaps his fingers)
It's all happening up here, buddy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pr... profit margins.
I'm listening. Go on.
JEANNIE: Uh, well, our data lake
illuminates how K and A is poised for an aggressive
second wave. CLYDE: By acquiring companies
we targeted that specialize
in emerging technologies and manufacturing.
Are you playing a fucking game
on your phone? (laughs)
You know, I'm multitasking, okay?
I mean, we-we-we'll have a corner on the marketplace.
Right, yeah, so if you just
take a look at the competitive landscape
metrics, you'll see that we have a baseline in place
to oversee the dev cycles on the other boutique shops.
So, uh, what? So, that's your big plan
to get huge? Uh...
Yeah, that's the big plan, Ron.
We are going to build a mothership
and rule the fucking universe.
Well, if you had the ability to do that,
then I wouldn't be here.
(Marty and Clyde chuckling)
$22 million investment-- boom!
That's called infrastructure, then we...
But if you have any suggestions
as to how to enhance our buyout strategy, we'd love to...
Well, let me stop...
You know what? Let me stop you right there.
Um, because I really think it's a bit premature
to begin implementing strategy.
Really? (chuckles)
Because that's the expressed purpose of this meeting.
Strategy meeting. Strategy.
Yeah, strategy meeting, I think.
Yeah, that's why I stayed up all night doing the strategy.
Well, you know what?
Um...
This is really great.
A lot of great stuff.
Uh, awesome.
And we'll take it under advisement.
Oh, great, you're gonna take it under advisement.
We're gonna first need to excavate
the quantitative architecture of your firm to gain
a better understanding of what growth strategy is best.
You got to look under the hood.
Right, Janine?
(phone ringing) Okay, so let's just clear this whole space out.
Oh, my gosh.
And, uh, my team will set up a war room.
Hey, talk to me, sexy.
How's that first day working out for you?
Oh, it's great, Janine.
(chuckles) How's yours?
Just wondering what they're deciding about our future.
Well, they're not deciding shit without us,
so I wouldn't worry about it.
Their commanding officer owns 60% of K and A, Marty.
Denna can technically do whatever the fuck she wants.
I was just under the assumption that you two
had an understanding about the roll that she would play.
Yeah, we do.
Okay, so nip it in the bud, Marty.
Call your girlfriend, set her straight.
Jeannie, Denna grubstaked K and A
as an investment, not a favor.
I don't need to check in with Mommy
on how to run my company.
Our company.
Hey,
about dinner tonight, don't worry about it.
What does that mean? I'm gonna call Jeremiah
and tell him I can't come. Jeannie.
I have so much other shit to do, anyway, Marty.
You-you cannot. Hey, look, you can't, okay?
They'd fucking blame me.
Okay.
(phone ringing, indistinct conversations)
How much fucking longer do you think they're gonna take
snooping around all our shit?
Is this what it's like when we come in?
God, I like it much better being on the other side.
MARTY: Hey, kiddies.
Get your trunks.
It's time to deliver these deliverables to SkyEast.
Yep. Hey, Martin.
Yeah. Martin?
So we got a few initial findings, okay?
So let's talk through them.
Yeah, now's not a great time, Ron.
We've got this local engagement we've got to go to.
Oh, great. I'd love to join you.
(snaps) Yes, yes, see some of that Martin Kaan magic
I've heard so much about.
It's really a do-nothing implementation meeting.
We'll talk on the way.
(elevator bell dings)
Look, I can't go to my bosses with this suboptimal shit.
MARTY: We-we understand how you feel,
and I-I'm glad you brought this to our attention.
O-Okay, so now how many times
do I have to call you when it's not an emergency?
DOUG: Listen, you have our full attention right now.
And we are happy to resolve any glitches.
So how can we help you?
So, look, okay,
the-the segment models that you sent.
I mean, look, it-it's opaque at best.
Well, I'm looking at the same thing you're looking at
and it seems pretty clear to me.
Really? Could... Hey, maybe you have glaucoma, Marty.
This right here, that's cloudy as fuck.
Okay, Derek, if you don't understand
how segment models work, we would be happy...
Are-are you calling me an idiot? No, no, no.
I talk to my bosses, not you.
And they're looking for updates.
So you need to start explaining this shit
in a language that people on this planet speak
or we-we-we have to
revisit this arrangement.
Derek, everything here is exactly as promised.
(door opens) I can walk you through it step-by-step.
Mr. Rainey, I've got Chris Crespo for you.
(sighs)
Okay, just e-excuse me a minute.
Of course.
Okay, he's losing his fucking shit.
We got to turn it up on this asshole, all right?
He needs his plush toy. Where's Jeannie?
Um, hey, Marty, can I ask you,
are the mutes going to be shadowing us
on all our consults?
'Cause they're kind of freaking me out.
Are you serious right now, Doug?
Go find fucking Jeannie.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go find her.
Uh, I have a question for you.
Mind if we step out?
Yeah.
You're gonna leave me in a room alone with these?
MARTY: Grow up, Clyde.
(door closes) This is how I die.
There you are!
Jeannie, we really need you upstairs.
We're losing him.
I-I... Are you okay?
I don't know. I...
I just feel a little weird.
Oh, mother of God, are we having this baby?
Here, sit down. No, we are not even
having this conversation, Doug.
I just, I'm just having a little bit of pain.
Oh.
Oh. (chuckles)
Okay, all right, very interesting.
Interesting how? Okay, what?
Doug... Nothing, nothing.
If you have something to say, spit it out.
I don't think you have to be Queegueg
to read the bones here, Jeannie.
I mean, you suddenly feel sick What?
on the night that you're supposed to have dinner
with Marty and his family. Oh, please.
It makes perfect sense. Jesus.
It has nothing to...
And this is a good thing. You should be excited
he's bringing you into the family. Oh, God.
Ow! Fuck.
(winces) Ooh. Ooh. Oh, God, miscarriage.
No, I'm not having a miscarriage, Doug! We got a miscarriage!
It's okay, it's not your fault.
I'm not having the baby, either.
Just, please, would you go get me some water?
Of course, here.
Wait, do I need to boil it or anything?
Just water! Anything, got it.
(exhales)
Look, I was told that you could have a tendency
to be a little less than careful with your clients.
Oh, the things people say. (chuckles)
Now, I'm no consultant...
Correct.
...but I'm a businessman,
(sighs) and I know better
than to deflect,
uh, when my client is seeking assurances.
I mean, this is the service industry, man.
Right? The clients are always right. 100%.
Well, unless-unless they're a panicky little bitch
like Derek in there, and they're not right.
Look, look, Ron,
we've got the fucking job, okay?
This isn't a pitch; we're running an implementation...
Okay, so maybe I only turned around 29 Fortune 500 companies.
Oh, my God, then maybe you think you could run this consult better than I...
Fuck yeah, if I gave a shit about consulting.
Okay. So, what?
You think maybe you know every fucking thing
there is to know about consulting?
Well, maybe you do, okay.
But I'm here to give you your goddamn golden ticket.
Huh? The keys to your Bugatti.
- Uh-huh. - I'm here to maximize profits and eliminate waste.
So maybe you should stop rolling your eyes
every time I open my mouth
and listen.
Because I'm spitting wisdom, man.
I am.
I'm holding your balls in my hand.
So I can either cradle or crush.
You get my drift, Martin?
Yeah.
(sighs)
Hey, so how's it gonna work, exactly?
How's what gonna work?
Well, with you and Marty and the baby?
You know, I mean, I know things have been
a little strained between you two since, uh...
Doug, I need you to mind your own business on this, okay?
Okay. 'Cause it's not... Shit!
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Oh, my God.
Oh, shit. You know what, I'm gonna get Marty.
No, don't get Marty, don't, don't, Doug. No, I...
Why not? Because we don't need Marty.
I don't need Marty!
(groaning) Okay. Ow! Oh!
Hey, I got this. (sighs loudly)
- I have seen enough House to know what I'm doing here. - Fuck.
- What are you doing? Ow. - It's all right; I got it. Just hold...
bite down on this. It's gonna hurt. Don't. Doug, don't. Oh, my God.
I'm gonna take your pants off. Doug, don't, stop.
I have to. Oh, my God!
Doug, no! It's the baby talking.
Oh! (farts loudly)
Ugh. (moans)
(farting continues) (sighs)
Whew.
(farting continues)
Oh, my God.
It feels so much better.
Does it?
Let's go finish this fucking consult, right?
(chuckles)
(gags, coughs)
If this is the customer reference system,
how do I identify which are the key channel data streams
you mentioned?
(sighs)
I'm sorry.
Ron, what do you think, buddy?
Uh, what? Excuse me?
Why are you asking him?
I'm terribly sorry.
I neglected to, uh, introduce our colleague.
Uh, this is Ron Zobel.
He has come on board with K and A
after turning around several dozen
Fortune 500 companies. He really is
a certified expert
on growth strategy.
DEREK: O-Oh.
O-Okay. Yeah.
So, so what do you think, Ron? We have a mid-level
regional airline looking to expand.
Well, I mean, it depends on what, uh,
benchmarks you guys are using to, uh, measure growth.
Oh, well, all the touch points are here
in the GANNT chart. Uh, Clyde, could you...
Absolutely. Give me one second.
And...
Great. Check your computer.
Thank you. (clears throat)
So, uh,
just walk us through it.
Is it a retooling
of the go to market model or the, uh,
cost model?
Well, naturally, uh,
I'd have to really...
...study the, um,
the specs.
Oh, take your time.
Yeah, really breathe it in.
Fuck. (chuckles)
Now, your eyes
are saying cost model,
but your lips are saying "I don't know dick
about management consulting."
No, say it.
I get it.
But you should say it.
Make you feel better. Say it.
No, I get it, asshole.
And...
I will crush.
MARTY: Bye, Ron. (door opens)
(door closes) (robotically): Uh... oh, what...
what do we do in this situation?
We are not programmed to improvise.
CLYDE: Our heads are made of gears!
MARTY: We, uh, uh, we are fumbling. We are...
breaking down.
Uh... uh, oh. Uh, shall we...what should we...
Uh, uh, oh, uh, oh. Uh, oh.
Hi. I'm so sorry.
I got sick in the car on the way over,
but I'm better now.
Ah, Jeannie. Uh, you're glowing.
Uh, please tell me something good,
because Marty here has completely freaked me out.
What? Derek...
I have an implementation for you
that is going to make you fall even deeper in love with me.
May not be possible.
(laughter)
Let's give it a shot.
Okay. Whip it out.
(clears throat)
Start here. Okay.
(typing)
(door opens, cat meowing)
You're home early.
I don't know how you expect to make
the big money doing that.
Fine, Dad. Marty let us out.
Did you open my door again?
Look, Natalie Portman happens to like it
in your room. Ah, no, no.
Probably the last time you ever heard that.
Get the fuck out! (meows)
Get out. Please get the fuck out.
Dad?
Dad, we talked about this.
Now there's gonna be cat hair and dander
all over my fucking pillows.
You know how much of a nancy boy
you sound like when you say that, right?
I sound like a nancy boy.
And why didn't you return my texts?
During the day, I'm very busy, okay, so if you
can ease up on the texts, that would help me a lot.
Don't... (sighs)
Listen, I know you're trying to enjoy this time of yours.
I'm sorry. Just please,
close the door. How hard is that?
I just need a little bit of help with the computer. That's all.
Oh, my fucking God. Are you serious?
You needed me to help you figure out the computer
so you could watch porno?
(meowing) Clyde, I'm dying.
Oh, no. Would you deny
your dying father la petite mort?
No, you're not allowed to speak French on top of it.
Well, I've certainly walked in on you before, right?
That's when I was 15.
It's the circle.
Oh, my God.
We return, we return.
So much death in this family.
That's what it is. No, no, no.
You're not allowed to justify your jacking off with cancer
and the Holocaust, Dad.
Do you fucking realize how crazy that is?
Okay, I am trying my best
to get past everything that has happened in our family
and to sympathize
with your situation.
Okay?
You know that I care about you.
I... I am fucking trying, man.
You know something? I don't need your sympathy.
How about just a little bit of deference
for the man whose shpritz
gave you life?
Sh... It's...
Okay, Dad, you got to find a new place to stay,
starting tomorrow.
(Natalie Portman meowing)
Hello.
DENNA: Hey, there.
Guess I know why you're here.
Ron's not happy.
Like...
really fucking mad.
(both chuckle)
I didn't know that, when you were that fucking crazy,
you still had emotions.
I know he can be a pain sometimes,
but he's made a ton of money for Global.
And he'll do the same for you
if I can talk him into ever coming back here.
Denna, you know how I run my business, okay?
I don't need somebody looking over my fucking shoulder.
Now, if this Al Haig asshole...
Marty, calm down.
Isn't this what we discussed?
Making K and A huge?
Yeah. Kaan and Associates.
He's an expert at building companies.
But you're right, Marty.
Ron doesn't have any feelings to get
tangled up in-- unlike you.
Oh, this is gonna be fantastic.
Um, what exactly do you mean?
(chuckles) Asks the man who forked over half his company
to a woman who, in turn, sent him to federal prison.
We talked about that, Denna.
Marty, I like you,
but I don't have any complicated feelings
about what we're doing here.
Business is business.
Oh, my God, I've got to needlepoint that on a pillow.
Now, what... "Business is..." What was the second part?
Okay.
So, which victory means more to you?
Saying "fuck you" to my turnaround artist
or making serious fuck-you money?
Marty...
I want you to really picture what it is you want most
and ask yourself, "What is that worth?"
JEREMIAH: Okay, wait, wait, wait, so...
so, wait.
When exactly are you due?
Three weeks from tomorrow.
(chuckling): Whoa.
Yeah. Whoa.
She's almost here.
MALCOLM: So I'm gonna be a...
be an uncle all over again.
Yeah. I'm cool with that.
No need to have any of your own.
Easy there, big papa. Easy. (light laughter)
I want to make a toast.
But, you know, I should have some...
Yeah, that ain't gonna happen.
Give him a little drinky drink.
All right.
Okay.
To Jeannie
and my new baby sis.
May she grow
and flourish and...
just be loved.
And, of course,
be, like, extremely well dressed.
Well, I think, having you as a big bro-sis,
there's not a chance
that she'll ever look anything other than fabulous.
"Big bro-sis."
I like that.
I-I think I just heard my dad's aorta explode.
Little bit. (chuckling)
Little bit. Little bit. Yeah. You saw that?
That's what that was. (laughter)
Well, to... to Jeannie...
and Marty.
And your happiness, hmm?
Whatever form
that may take.
Truly,
all I can say is that we want that for the both of you.
And to this new person, well...
...we will love her
completely...
...and unconditionally.
True words.
That's beautiful, Pop.
Come on. Let's put 'em up.
Cheers.
Very nice words for the girl who blew up your lives.
This was so delicious.
(clears throat) I really, really liked it.
I unfortunately did double-book tonight.
And it's a work thing, so I do have to run.
But, um, thank you so much.
Appreciate everything, and thank you
so much for the hospitality.
Hey, Jeannie, what are you...? (Jeannie sniffles)
Jeannie. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where are you going?
I can't do this, Marty.
Yeah, it's too late.
Not this; the... your family and...
I can't... have them
treating me so nice when even I hate me.
I can't... Look.
It's time, okay? It's fucking time.
We've been acting out like a couple of teenagers.
Yes, but maybe th-that's exactly how we're... No... no, no, no, no, no.
We're not gonna do it anymore.
We're not, okay?
We're gonna keep our shit together
in front of this kid.
In front of both of these kids.
We can do that.
Let's just... you know, be grown-ups.
And you don't get to walk away
every time you feel something, Jeannie.
Wow. Did that just come out of Marty Kaan's mouth?
Yeah. You just said that to me?
I heard myself say it, too. It's weird.
Uh, you heard it, right? It's weird.
(chuckles softly)
I mean it.
Ooh, shit.
(chuckles) She's...
(laughs)
Ninja fetus.
Hey.
Come on.
Okay.
(sighs)
I told them I was having pregnancy issues.
That should shut 'em up. Hey...
And now I would like to know what is for dessert.
Of course. (Jeremiah chuckling)
How about... Whoa.
blackberry cobbler.
So glad I stayed.
Blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice.
And right on time. Right on time.
She likes what she likes. He's not wrong.
How big a piece do you want, Jeannie?
Jeremiah, I don't think you have a piece big enough.
Are you serious?
I am.
Okay, well... how is that?
I'll start with that,
but you're going to need two other cobblers, I think.
Oh, stop it. (laughter)
♪ Stay with me, be a friend ♪
♪ This street's so cold ♪
♪ And my mind is full of ghosts ♪
♪ Come on, now, we'll take your car ♪
♪ Nights are long and I'm feeling lonely ♪
♪ Look after me ♪
♪ It hurts ♪ ♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ Stay with me tonight ♪
♪ We can count ♪
♪ The streetlights ♪
♪ Stay with me all right ♪
♪ Let's bring it all back to life ♪
♪ Don't fade away, just stay. ♪