(samantha) there comes a time in everyone's life
when they have to leave the nest.
me--i've had two times, because after a year
of recovering from amnesia at my parents' house,
i was ready to either spread my wings and fly
or fall to the ground and get swallowed by a snake.
mom. mom. dad. dad, can you...
regina...
release.
okay.
frank, make sure she uses... (voice breaks) condoms.
okay. (car engine starts)
oh, my god. frank, i'm home! i have my own place.
can you believe it? i can do whatever i want.
i can sing. i can run around naked.
you can learn to tip, as long as you're making a list.
♪ i'd like to find something
♪ i've got my best dress on
♪ and i'll play from dusk till dawn ♪
(gabriella cilmi) * and when you sleep tonight (humming)
* i'd hold my pillow tight
* i'd turn all the lights on
* ooh, i say, don't say
* that you're up to nothing
* you're sure up to something
i love this song. aah! aah!
(music stops) todd.
(chuckles) i thought we talked on the phone.
y-you said you were moving out. i was. i am.
i'm on my way to look at a few places right now. really? are you sure you're not just stalling
'cause you think i'm gonna change my mind or something?
'cause you know what? if that's the case, i just--
i feel it's gonna be really weird for both of us, you know?
apartments.
bay windows. that sounds nice.
yeah.
hello!
mom? dad?
hello?!
sweetheart, you're home.
hey, you look kind of thin.
she's been gone six hours. yeah, well, i have to do laundry.
plus, i need to take your spatula
because todd used mine to clean hair out of the drain.
what are you guys doing? we're practicing for the contest
at the walnut valley club next week. oh. (laughs)
how old are you guys there? you look so dorky.
that was last year. oh.
we're using this as a training film.
look. watch, howard. there. right there. (rewinds tape)
see, our footwork is really sloppy. mm.
well, i think we look pretty good. no, "pretty good" is not enough to beat paula drake.
oh, i see what this is about--
your little rivalry with paula drake. yes, it is, her and her smug little grin.
she beats me at everything--
this and best tulips and best chili cook-off.
oh, and that daughter of hers-- she's a doctor.
she's married. she has two children.
you know, and you're single and you're unemployed,
and after your coma,
you had to relearn how to peel an orange.
hey, i got that in one day.
howard, honey, we've gotta practice that grapevine,
or we're never gonna get first place. well, third place is a screwdriver set.
that's something we could use. hey, hey. what's this?
it's one of your college recitals.
i was in a recital, and you taped over it?
how was i supposed to know you wanted to see that again?
i mean, what am i supposed to think
every time i want to tape an "oprah" that...
(singsong voice) "oh, sam might get amnesia.
she might want to see that first birthday party"?
i used to dance.
y-you know, i don't want to sound conceited or anything,
but i'm pretty badass.
(howard) yeah, you were incredible. yeah, you take after me.
feel that thigh. yeah, hard as a rock. feel it.
later. why didn't you tell me?
i mean, you point out every lousy thing about my life,
but the one talent that i do have, nobody mentions it?
we didn't want you to get a big head.
i want to see it again. i want to see it again.
shouldn't you be hunting for apartments?
i set a few traps. i'll check them tomorrow.
i know your game.
you have no intention of looking for an apartment.
you're just gonna keep mooching off sam. i was looking, okay?
you know, i thought i had all this money coming
from this wedding i shot, but the bride--
you know, she didn't like the proofs. so what, she's just not gonna pay,
and you're gonna let her get away with that? no, i left messages, e-mail. i don't know what else to do.
i'm an attorney. come to my office tomorrow,
and i'll show you what else you can do. i just told you, i don't have money for a lawyer.
are you slow? look, i get to bring a bride to tears
and kick you out of sam's apartment?
i should be paying you.
well, you know what? we should switch things out before we go.
that paper towel holder goes home with me.
this spatula goes back to the city with you.
look at you.
you're all grown up,
got your own spatula.
i did a good job.
oh, crap! what? what? what?
(lowers voice) paula drake.
i know i should never leave the house without a bra. i don't think we need paula drake
to make that a rule, mom. what are you doing?
putting on lipstick. she's my nemesis. she's your nemesis? what does she--
does she have an underground lair? regina!
oh. h-hi!
i thought that was you.
what are you doing here? buying a bra, i hope.
hi, paula.
samantha, hello.
how is your head injury doing today?
i'm not brain-damaged.
i have my own spat... ula.
oh, regina, did i see that you signed up
for the dance at the club again?
oh, yes, you did. yes, you did.
in fact, i think howard and i are gonna give you and charlie
a little run for your money this year. of course you will.
like i said at the chandler's anniversary party...
oh, faux pas. were you not invited?
anyway, i told everyone that no matter how many times
the newlys lose, they just keep on going.
they may be failures, but they are not quitters.
hey, they're not failures either.
of course they're not.
will you have a special seat to watch your parents lose?
she won't be there. she's moved back to the city. oh, no. i'll be there.
i'll be there, 'cause we're gonna kick your butts. we?
yep, that's right. i am your new partner, and i am excellent.
two women can't dance together at the club.
oh, yes, they can, thanks to those two nice gay lawyers
who just moved down the block.
it's a whole new world. yeah, well, we made them cry, and we'll make you cry, too.
oh, yeah? you want to see some crying?
'cause we're gonna bring you to your knees
and not in some cool dance move way. ah. what just happened?
i don't know, but i got that same high i got
when i peeled that orange. (chuckles nervously)
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i don't know how it came out of me.
it's just that this paula drake woman
was attacking my family, and all of a sudden,
i just became like a mother cat and my mom was my kitten,
and she was being swallowed by a python or something. oh, a python's gotta eat.
what? not a kitten person. surprising, i know, but...
excuse me. dance competition?
why didn't you tell me about this? oh, because i usually just--
we're in. i have magic legs. ah!
no, we're not-- we're not dancing.
what do you mean, we're not--we can win.
you are going down, newly. i'm gon-- no. we can dance any other night of the year,
but the walnut valley dance competition
is the one night i get to be on tech crew.
if it makes you feel any better, though,
my mom and i are kind of a lock to win. so... two women dancing?
you're thinking about where the boobs go. anyone would.
so how's your dad, you know, with you stepping in? i don't know. i don't know.
she's telling him right now. god, i feel so bad, though,
because he looks forward to this every year.
thank you, gay lawyer couple!
have fun with sam!
i'm off to the boat show!
ha ha ha ha! whoo!
we're thinking about doing a cha-cha,
but we haven't figured it out yet.
and we're gonna get these little matching gold dresses,
and, oh, god, it's gonna feel so good
to take this paula drake down. paula drake, little matching dresses?
i'm just making sure i have all the details
for when i repeat this story at work. you are so not interested in this.
mm, no, i'm not interested in this, and why are you?
i mean, you are finally out of the sticks.
todd is almost out of the apartment.
you're healing. don't open the wound. this means so much to my mother.
okay, maybe i'm not drinking enough, because this is unclear.
you don't like your mother. you don't show up at thanksgiving.
you--you--you send your assistant to birthday parties.
you don't do christmas.
oh, sweet baby jesus.
where are these judges? it's freezing out here. well,maybe if a certain shepherd
didn't dress like a $2 whore. i have a date in half an hour.
oh, no, you don't.
it is christmas eve, young lady. you get back here right now!
you're a member of this family! oh, really? well, where do i sign to get out?
do not make me put down this baby jesus! * silent night
okay, god, i can't wait to put you into a home.
really. oh, god. * holy night
(gasps) there. i just won you a free ham.
♪ all is bright
i like it. i think it's edgy.
okay, well, now i am making it up to her,
especially if we win... mm.
because do you know how good of a dancer i am? uh, yes, i do.
ah! we used to go dancing all the time.
oh, you used to shake it,
and you used to have everyone watching,
and then i would swoop in, and i would just spank your ass.
i love this song. (jaconfetti) * we're gonna do it
ooh. yeah. * hey, step up
* we're gonna do it, we're gonna do it *
* step on up, we wanna move until we drop *
* never gonna do it like a picture crop *
* and play it one more time
* step on up, we wanna move until we drop *
* never gonna do it like a picture crop *
well, don't just stand there! spank me!
* step on up before they do another press stop *
* we love tue. t hippie hop
* and play it one more time
okay, you can do this. you know how to dance.
samantha!
get up off the floor.
when your father pulls in,
he doesn't stop until he hits that tennis ball.
(groans) i talked to my doctor today,
and i have lost my ability to dance.
oh, please. i swear, that man just says things to upset me.
ow. no, mom, it's the amnesia.
he says it happens all the time.
he's seen people lose their ability to play the piano
or to speak french.
last night i tried to dance at the club,
and i unintentionally raised $2,000 for my "problem."
samantha, when you were 4, you couldn't dance either,
until i pushed you,
and i made you practice.
and then when you were 7, you started bringing home trophies.
a newly never gives up. oh, it's over, mom.
one good thing about my life, and it's just gone.
i'm just gonna go get my stuff and head back to the city.
unless you push me again.
no. oh, no, no, no, no. that was hard on both of us.
oh, no, no. there were so many tears, so many vodka tonics.
come on. come on. you just said that a newly never gives up.
on themselves.
on each other, all the time.
(whispering) come on.
come on.
and turn. and turn. and turn.
i don't see hips. i don't see hips. that's my hip.my hip is out.
that's one hip. cha-cha-cha. cha-cha-cha. it's my hip.
i wasn't ready. i wasn't ready. all right, ready?one, two, really...
oh, wait! i just can't--okay, but-- let go!
i don't see a dancer anywhere. i am a dancer.
you are not a dancer. i am so a dancer!
i can't hear you. i'm a dancer!
then show me you're a dancer! (bell dings)
oh, i'm sorry, honey. i gotta turn the chicken over. (pants)
and round and round and step and cha-cha-cha.
(gasps) that was it. that was it. do that again. do it again. do it again.
i want to go. and back. step, and that's my girl!
aah! yes, yes, yes! you did it! you did it! good girl.
i think somebody deserves some ice cream. i think someone deserves some fresh fruit.
i do have to lift you.
why should i pay some hack for taking crap photographs
and ruining my wedding? we really couldn't do any of this through e-mail?
look. jeffrey looks hideous.
he isn't even smiling, and it's his wedding day.
there's nothing wrong with these. your husband looks hot.
pay the man. okay, i don't expect
somebody without a ring on her finger to understand.
you just resent women like me because you want what we have.
okay, one--i've probably already had what you have,
and two--maybe there's no ring on my finger
because i don't want one.
you don't know me.
oh, really? career girl by day,
and by night, a long line of meaningless affairs
with guys who wouldn't remember you
if they bumped into you on the street. am i close?
just putting off the day when you find yourself dancing
next to girls who are ten years younger than you,
and you realize you've missed your window.
and you end up in your lonely little apartment,
curled up in front of the television,
eating your sad-looking meat loaf for one
and wearing a sweatshirt
that says, "forget love. i'm falling in chocolate."
okay. you know what?
i'm gonna take a 10-minute recess.
no, i-i don't need ten minutes.
i don't care if you pay me or not,
because those pictures are great. the problem is you.
excuse me? because when i look at these, all i see is
a guy who loves his wife, and all you see are the flaws.
i mean, you women complain that there aren't any good guys
out there, and then you find one who treats you well
and actually remembers that your favorite flower is a daffodil
and held your hand while you were in a coma... what?
even after you cheated on him... okay, i never cheated.
and you still think there's something better out there,
so you turn to the one guy who actually loves you, and you say,
"you know what? we're not right together. you have to move out."
well, you know what? i am moving out, all right?
i don't care if i have to live in a box! and for your information, a guy did offer to marry me,
and if that stick would have turned blue,
i'd be living in scarsdale by now. uh-huh.
hey, todd. it's me. um, just wanted to let you know
that i am not gonna be coming back to the apartment tonight
because i have to rehearse my dance number
with my mom in the morning.
you know, it's kind of been fun hanging out with her.
i didn't think that i would really like--okay, nice beep.
all right. mom? hey, i got the dresses! mom!
mom!
what are you doing? it's not what it looks like.
you're practicing for the contest with dad,
aren't you? no!
we were smoking marijuana. i am so hungry. who wants pie? there's pie.
here, dad. i hope you can pull off
something with spaghetti straps.
samantha.
you were making real progress, honey,
but you--you only got the one step.
now if the competition was one step long,
that trophy would have been ours.
oh, no, no, no. you're right.
i mean, i was just being stupid, you know?
we would never have won as a team. oh.
plus, this is--this is really the push i needed.
i mean, what am i doing hanging out here all day,
dancing with my mommy, right?
i'm--i'm an adult.
thanks for doing my laundry.
(inhales deeply) mmm. that really does smell good.
what is that look for?
she said herself she knew we couldn't beat paula drake.
she practically moved back home.
you guys have been out in that garage ten hours a day.
she did it to be with you. howard, please. i know my own daughter.
she hasn't wanted to spend time with me
since she was 12 years old.
can we please go back out there? we've got a lot of work to do.
you know, i think i'm done for tonight.
i don't even want any pie.
that bride messengered over the check this morning.
there's enough here for first and last month's rent,
plus security. huh. what i said must have gotten through to her.
no, what you said scared the crap out of her.
i had to talk her out of a restraining order. great. so...
now i can move out.
yeah, and sam can get on with her life. and there we are.
mm-hmm. thanks, ann-drea.
on-drea. right. hey.
and hey, listen. um...
you're not gonna end up alone, making meat loaf for one.
and somewhere out there,
there's a girl who's just gonna--
sorry. i can't do it. it's too weird.
we tried.
(whispers) who is that guy?
(man) that was drake and romero!
you guys are next.
i will deny that we had this conversation,
but i'm gonna give you guys some extra light.
i was just warming 'em up for you, regina.
where's charlie? poor thing hurt his knee,
but fortunately, my good friend mateo,
3-time international ballroom dancing champion,
was able to be with me. so when do i get my money?
now please welcome next to the floor--
newly and newly... and the cha-cha.
you ready, regina?
hurt your knee.
i think the expression is "break a leg."
howard, i swear to god, if you don't hurt your knee right now,
i'll break it with a pipe.
oh! oh! the pain--it's on fire. oh!
all right, easy, de niro.
flamingo down. flamingo down. weber and duncan on deck.
we're on! i don't believe it. (panting)
what's going on? are you okay?
i'm so happy you came. oh.
i was afraid that was gonna be our last fight. no, mom. i want to have lots of fights with you.
it's only been a year since we started over, right?
what kid leaves home after a year?
oh, it's getting worse.
it's like a branding iron searing my flesh.
(under breath) it hurts. we get it.
(man) so... last chance for newly and newly?
not on your life. ready?
what? me? mom, you won't win.
no, samantha, we won't win.
i was hoping you would ask.
here. take this. take this. okay. oh, good. all right.
positions. positions.
oh, my god. we're doing it. head.
* lilly runs when you look away *
(samantha) you know when you think
something is going to go badly, and it goes just okay,
so you think it's going great?
it's probably worse than you ever imagined.
(pink martini) * lilly runs when you look away *
* lilly leaves kisses on your collar *
* lilly, lilly, lilly, lilly, stay *
all right, are you sure you want more light?
because i was thinking more darkness.
* pressed up against the glass *
* he prays that she will pass
* now he's living with his mother *
* lilly comes when you stop to call her *
you know, we don't have to go through this to see each other.
just come over. i'll be there. it's good to know. thanks.
well, call first. i do have a life. yeah.
(samantha) okay, maybe i was wrong.
maybe i didn't lose every good thing with my amnesia.
some things are in there to discover.
some can be relearned.
and others, if they're important,???