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Synced and corrected by OussLP
www.addic7ed.com
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This is Thomas Jefferson,
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founding father of my
adopted home of America,
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which I love with all my heart.
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But then, fuck, he had
to go and write that line,
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"life, liberty, and the
pursuit of happiness."
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Life, sure. Liberty, I
understand the basic concept.
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But happiness? I mean,
what the fuck is happiness?
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A BMW? 1,000 Facebook friends?
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A million Twitter followers?
I wish he had been more honest.
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I wish he had just said, "life,
liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,
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whatever the fuck that is."
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Just don't keep us guessing, Tom.
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Guessing and pursuing and failing.
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Fuck you, Thomas Jefferson!
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The game is half over, people..
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- Here we go.
- Speech, speech.
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Well, "they give birth astride a grave,
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the light gleams an instant,
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then it is night once more."
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Half run? Buddy, you're gonna be lucky
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if you make it to the end of the week.
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She's right, dad.
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44, that's like a million.
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- Whoo!
- Hey, hey, mom is...
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mom's almost as old as me.
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But mom's pretty.
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- Thanks, Jules, so much.
- Oh! Give it up.
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- Oh, manners, mister.
- Wait, get, get...
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yeah, have some manners like
the adults. Right, Julius?
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Num, num, num!
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I have that one.
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I have, like, five of that one.
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Mine are pretty good, though.
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Mine came in a set,
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so I also have the dragon copter
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and sensei Wu.
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Yours is junk.
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Hey, hey, you know what
I've noticed about your kid?
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- He's an asshole.
- Yes, he's a fucking asshole.
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- I don't know how that happened, but...
- So it's not just Julius?
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No, no, he's an asshole to
everybody. Kids hate him.
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He's an asshole because
his father was an asshole.
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Still. Your ex is still an asshole.
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- An asshole doesn't fall far from the tree.
- He'll grow out of it.
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I don't think that's the kind
of assholeness you outgrow.
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We're just hoping for, you know, an
average prick. Just a run-of-the-mill dick.
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I don't know, Thom. Couple years from
now, Jules could be an asshole, too.
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I don't think so. A pussy, maybe.
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Well, I would rather have
an asshole than a pussy.
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It is tough out there, people.
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Asshole's not a bad way to go.
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- Not a bad way to go.
- Come on, lady.
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Oh, my God.
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You ask me, Julius is just too happy.
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- Too happy?
- You make a kid happy in this world,
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you're setting them up. That's child abuse.
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Trust me, Thom. Your only
shot at happiness in this world
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is a miserable childhood.
The shittier the better.
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That's what I should call my book.
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Yeah, "the joy of misery" by Thom Payne.
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- A book?
- Yeah.
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- What's a book?
- Yeah, no shit.
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It's okay. They're watching "Frozen."
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See? Pussy.
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Speaking of pussies,
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Monica is getting hers done.
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- Her what?
- Her pussy.
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- Done?
- Tightened.
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- What the fuck are you talking about?
- What?
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She's 37, she's done having
kids, she wants a tighter cooch.
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That's bullshit. That's totally for Jason.
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I don't know. My sister had three kids.
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She said she can park
her car up in there now.
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- But like a smart car.
- The girl drives a hummer.
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Wait a min I want to get this straight.
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Her pussy is good enough for him to fuck,
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good enough for him to eat,
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good enough to bear his child,
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now he just wants it tighter?
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Think he should just go fuck himself.
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Can he say how tight he wants it?
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Well, she's at a beer can now.
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So he probably wants, what, a shot glass?
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He looks like a pencil dick to me.
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Maybe she should just go with sharpener.
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Could he go in the surgery and,
you know, like test the vagina?
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Yo, Doc, you're close, but can
you give it another turn or two?
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- Oh, my God.
- Mr Lesko, I got it down to a 22-year-old.
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Legally, I can only go to an 18.
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Hey, Doc, while you're down there,
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can you loosen up her shithole?
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Okay, they're coming. They're coming.
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Where's the joint?
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"George was a very, very good monkey.
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He was also very curious."
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And he was a real pain in the butt.
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- Dad.
- He deserved a good slap,
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somebody to teach him a lesson.
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"You can't just steal a spaceship
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and fly it to the moon, monkey boy."
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Dad, read it normal.
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Hey, hey. I love you, buddy.
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You're old.
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I'm not old. I'm... I'm... I'm...
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I'm oldish.
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Are you going to die?
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Am I gonna die? Boy...
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You know,
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the truth is, Julius, I am going to die,
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but not for a very, very long time.
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First I got to start speaking like this.
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And then I got to start losing my teeth.
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Then I got to start pooping in my diapers.
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Hey, how about tomorrow
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we get burgers at Five
Guys, then Funny Farm?
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Yes.
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Low.
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Okay.
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You know the drill.
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You like that? Yeah.
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Oh, yeah, baby. Fuck my ass.
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There we go. In through the out door.
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Come on, take it seriously.
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She's in agony.
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- She's faking it.
- No, she is not faking it.
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There's a gigantic cock
shoved up her asshole.
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Hang on, you can't say that
she's faking the pleasure,
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but she's not faking it when it's pain.
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You got to be consistent.
I was watching that.
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Oh, I think it's easier to fake pleasure.
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Yeah? Well, that's reassuring.
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Is this a birthday present or what?
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Porno, shaved pussies.
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You know, I read something
about Alzheimer's the other day.
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Are we gonna fuck?
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It said that not sleeping
could be an indicator
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of early-onset Alzheimer's.
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Are we gonna fuck?
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So now I can't sleep because I'm worried
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that my not sleeping
means I have Alzheimer's.
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I mean, why are they telling me this?
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Is it the not sleeping
that causes Alzheimer's
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or Alzheimer's that makes you not sleep?
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I don't know what I'm supposed
to do with that information.
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Do you think my pussy needs tightening?
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What?
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I thought maybe it would be
better for you if it was tighter.
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Oh, baby, baby, listen. Come here. Hey.
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Why bother with you at all?
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I could just get a bottle of
wine and a blood pressure cuff.
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You know, baby?
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It's not... honey, it's not you.
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It's the fucking Prozac
it's a hard-on killer.
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Why don't we just try a Viagra?
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They're a client, right?
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Keebler gives you all
those fucking cookies.
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I'm worried the Viagra will
interfere with the Prozac, you know?
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That's life.
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You know, happy and soft
or miserable and hard.
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I would be totally fine
with miserable and hard.
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Just for the record, if you...
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Mom!
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- We're not fucking.
- We're not fucking.
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Mom!
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Coming, honey.
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You know, I used to like shaved pussies.
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Oh, here we go.
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But now whenever I see
them, all I can think of
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is that fucking Vietnamese
girl running down the street
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covered in napalm.
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I can barely watch porn anymore.
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That is the real tragedy
of chemical warfare.
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- Mom!
- I'm right here, sweetheart.
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Hey, can you not read Julius
"Curious George" before bed?
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He's terrified of the
man in the yellow hat.
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He's fearful. He's a fearful child.
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No, you're fearful. He's six.
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I'm fearful that he's fearful.
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Fucking asshole.
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Check it out. Steve Jobs' book.
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- Read it.
- You read the hardcover.
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I read the hardcover and the paperback.
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This is the Kindle version of
the paperback of the hardcover.
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- No way.
- Way.
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Wanted to read the new format
before the movie came out.
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90 pages of new material.
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So, it's the night before
the launch of the iPod.
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Jobs goes down to the
factory to check things out,
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- only he doesn't like the sound.
- What sound?
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- The headphone Jack sound.
- The click?
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The sound. He wants a better sound.
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So he gets a team of 100 engineers
to work all night to replace them.
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- 100?
- All night.
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Guy was a genius.
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Guy was a fucking genius.
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Which brings me back to Thomas Jefferson.
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Thomas Jefferson isn't the problem.
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Jefferson was trying to help.
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It's me. I'm the fucking problem.
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My name is Thomas Payne and I...
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I work for Satan.
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00:10:02,245 --> 00:10:04,995
I've worked for the dark
lord for 20 years now
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00:10:05,047 --> 00:10:07,831
and so I say this with a
fair degree of authority,
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fuck "Mad Men."
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00:10:10,260 --> 00:10:13,556
There's nothing cool about advertising,
there's nothing interesting.
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00:10:13,592 --> 00:10:16,593
We do the same thing that everyone
else in the world does these days
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we kiss the zit-covered asses
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00:10:18,630 --> 00:10:20,863
of arrogant, know-nothing teenagers.
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00:10:24,102 --> 00:10:27,020
It's "Lord of the Flies" out there, folks.
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00:10:27,072 --> 00:10:30,690
And everyone over 18 is piggy.
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00:10:32,694 --> 00:10:34,985
I'm fucked, Thom. We all are.
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00:10:35,105 --> 00:10:38,080
- When did he make this announcement?
- This morning! Do you know them?
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00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:40,258
I know of them, they're Swedes.
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00:10:40,378 --> 00:10:43,045
- That's what everyone calls them.
- Gustaf and Gottfrid.
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00:10:43,047 --> 00:10:46,298
So, what, Jonathan just announces
these new creative directors,
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calls you into his office and fires you?
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00:10:47,635 --> 00:10:50,302
No, but they will. I know it.
219
00:10:50,354 --> 00:10:52,888
Debbie, you're the best account
director this company has.
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00:10:52,890 --> 00:10:54,607
I could be their mother.
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00:10:54,642 --> 00:10:56,058
That doesn't mean they want to fire you.
222
00:10:56,060 --> 00:10:57,276
It means they want to fuck you.
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00:10:57,311 --> 00:10:58,777
Oh, they're gonna fuck me.
224
00:10:58,813 --> 00:11:00,696
Trust me, they are gonna fuck me!
225
00:11:00,731 --> 00:11:02,114
They're not gonna fire
you. I won't let them.
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00:11:02,150 --> 00:11:04,316
You don't have any power.
227
00:11:04,368 --> 00:11:05,901
I have some power.
228
00:11:05,903 --> 00:11:07,203
Not anymore.
229
00:11:07,238 --> 00:11:08,704
So why are you bitching to me?
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00:11:08,739 --> 00:11:10,623
Because you have heart.
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00:11:10,658 --> 00:11:12,324
And that's why you have no power.
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00:11:12,376 --> 00:11:14,376
Jonathan wants to see you at 12:00.
233
00:11:14,412 --> 00:11:16,328
Am I being fired?
234
00:11:16,380 --> 00:11:18,797
Mikal phoned, wants to
know if he's being fired.
235
00:11:18,833 --> 00:11:20,749
Tracey phoned, wants to
know if she's being fired.
236
00:11:20,751 --> 00:11:22,968
Larry phoned, wants to
know if you're being fired.
237
00:11:23,004 --> 00:11:24,920
- It's gonna be a fun day.
- You know what? Fuck this.
238
00:11:24,922 --> 00:11:26,805
- Tell Jonathan I want to see him now.
- I'll tell Jonathan
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00:11:26,841 --> 00:11:28,474
you want to see him now regardless
of prior schedule commitments.
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00:11:28,509 --> 00:11:29,925
I don't care which
Swedish dick he's sucking.
241
00:11:29,927 --> 00:11:31,393
What is that, some kind of radar thing?
242
00:11:31,429 --> 00:11:33,395
She's been with me way too long.
243
00:11:33,431 --> 00:11:36,398
- Radar?
- O'Reilly. From "Mash."
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00:11:36,434 --> 00:11:37,816
What's "Mash"?
245
00:11:37,852 --> 00:11:40,402
Oh, my God. How old aren't you?
246
00:11:40,438 --> 00:11:43,355
Can you do a 5:30 face-to-face
with Gustaf and Gottfrid?
247
00:11:43,407 --> 00:11:45,741
Who schedules a meeting at 5:30?
248
00:11:45,776 --> 00:11:48,444
- Gustaf and Gottfrid.
- Maybe they're still on Swedish time?
249
00:11:48,446 --> 00:11:51,780
Well, I promised Jules I'd
take him to five guys tonight.
250
00:11:51,782 --> 00:11:53,282
Okay.
251
00:11:55,419 --> 00:11:59,205
Fuck it! All right,
tell them I'll be there.
252
00:11:59,257 --> 00:12:01,590
Got it.
253
00:12:01,626 --> 00:12:03,125
The Charlie Hebdo shootings
254
00:12:03,127 --> 00:12:05,044
suggest a new Al-Qaeda, experts say.
255
00:12:05,096 --> 00:12:06,545
You got to hand it to Bin Laden.
256
00:12:06,597 --> 00:12:09,298
What'd he spend on 9/11?
Couple hundred grand?
257
00:12:09,300 --> 00:12:11,967
I couldn't make a web film for that much.
258
00:12:11,969 --> 00:12:14,937
Al-Qaeda's been on the cover
of every magazine ever since.
259
00:12:14,972 --> 00:12:17,389
9/10, no one ever heard of that brand.
260
00:12:17,441 --> 00:12:19,525
9/12, not a person alive who hadn't.
261
00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:22,278
ISIS comes along, expands
the market to the west.
262
00:12:22,313 --> 00:12:25,114
- Women are joining that group. Did you know that?
- Yeah.
263
00:12:25,149 --> 00:12:28,150
These homicidal motherfuckers
are fantastic marketers.
264
00:12:28,152 --> 00:12:29,952
Al-Qaeda is not a brand, Jonathan.
265
00:12:29,987 --> 00:12:31,820
It's a terrorist organization.
266
00:12:31,822 --> 00:12:34,206
Everything's a brand, Thom.
I'm a brand, you're a brand.
267
00:12:34,242 --> 00:12:37,293
God's a brand. And a brand in trouble.
268
00:12:38,329 --> 00:12:39,878
Are you getting fired?
269
00:12:39,914 --> 00:12:41,664
Things have changed, Thom.
270
00:12:41,666 --> 00:12:44,216
Thinking is not as important as tweeting.
271
00:12:44,252 --> 00:12:48,904
Gustaf and Gottfrid have thousands
of followers and you're on AOL.
272
00:12:48,940 --> 00:12:51,924
Sorry, am I getting fired for
not having a Facebook account?
273
00:12:51,976 --> 00:12:54,143
You test poorly, Thom. You taste great,
274
00:12:54,178 --> 00:12:56,345
but it's a less filling world.
275
00:12:56,347 --> 00:12:58,931
Your clothes suck, you're
out of shape. You're 44.
276
00:12:58,983 --> 00:13:02,234
Fuck you, you 52-year-old,
277
00:13:02,270 --> 00:13:03,936
skinny jeans-wearing asshole.
278
00:13:03,988 --> 00:13:05,654
Executive level, Thom.
279
00:13:05,690 --> 00:13:07,773
The city of refuge for the bespectacled
280
00:13:07,825 --> 00:13:10,359
lumpenproles of the 50-plus crowd.
281
00:13:10,361 --> 00:13:13,779
The board has given the Swedes
control of the creative department.
282
00:13:13,831 --> 00:13:16,332
- They want to turn things around.
- I have to report to them?
283
00:13:16,367 --> 00:13:18,784
Jesus Christ, Thom. The
industry is in the shitter.
284
00:13:18,836 --> 00:13:20,085
You know that. They all are.
285
00:13:20,121 --> 00:13:21,453
We've hit peak America.
286
00:13:21,505 --> 00:13:23,289
We're sitting in a puddle of was.
287
00:13:23,341 --> 00:13:26,208
In a couple of months, I expect
to be replaced by a fucking app.
288
00:13:28,629 --> 00:13:31,764
Look, I love you, Thom,
289
00:13:31,799 --> 00:13:34,883
but if you want to survive this,
290
00:13:34,885 --> 00:13:37,386
you've got to play the game.
291
00:13:37,388 --> 00:13:42,024
So marketer, rebrand thyself.
292
00:13:45,882 --> 00:13:48,387
- There must be somewhere I can go.
- Where do you wanna go?
293
00:13:48,507 --> 00:13:50,296
Do you wanna go to some
fucking digital company
294
00:13:50,416 --> 00:13:53,250
where they're coming up with
shitty facebook ideas all day?
295
00:13:53,252 --> 00:13:56,553
Thet won't touch you. Do
you know that the average age
296
00:13:56,589 --> 00:13:59,306
of the Facebook employee is 26?
297
00:13:59,342 --> 00:14:02,226
31 at Google. 33 at Apple.
298
00:14:02,261 --> 00:14:04,762
You stay at MGT. Kiss some nordic ass.
299
00:14:04,764 --> 00:14:07,398
Write your fucking novel.
And I'm a headhunter.
300
00:14:07,433 --> 00:14:08,982
I lose money telling you this shit.
301
00:14:09,018 --> 00:14:11,435
You still need a copywriter, right?
302
00:14:11,437 --> 00:14:13,487
Did you check out Gwen's portfolio?
303
00:14:13,522 --> 00:14:15,022
She's a fucking genius.
304
00:14:15,074 --> 00:14:17,858
Great work for Geico
Gecko and the Aflac goose.
305
00:14:17,910 --> 00:14:19,576
It's a duck, by the way.
306
00:14:19,612 --> 00:14:22,529
Oh, now, that's even funnier.
307
00:14:22,581 --> 00:14:24,748
I just think, I don't know,
308
00:14:24,784 --> 00:14:29,036
I'd be happier someplace else.
309
00:14:29,088 --> 00:14:30,954
That's a myth, Thom.
310
00:14:30,956 --> 00:14:33,540
You're as happy right
now as you can ever be.
311
00:14:33,592 --> 00:14:35,926
We each have our own joy ceiling.
312
00:14:35,961 --> 00:14:38,679
It doesn't matter how
much fucking money you have
313
00:14:38,714 --> 00:14:40,381
or how perfect your family is
314
00:14:40,433 --> 00:14:42,299
or how many pulitzers you win.
315
00:14:42,301 --> 00:14:44,935
You hit your joy ceiling and you're done.
316
00:14:44,970 --> 00:14:48,188
That's why Jesus wept. Low joy ceiling.
317
00:14:48,224 --> 00:14:51,024
Richard Simmons, high joy ceiling.
318
00:14:51,060 --> 00:14:52,893
And that fucking monk, what's his name?
319
00:14:52,945 --> 00:14:55,696
Thich nhat whatever the
fuck, very high joy ceiling.
320
00:14:55,731 --> 00:14:58,866
Thom Payne, low joy ceiling.
321
00:14:58,901 --> 00:15:01,819
It's not the pursuit of
happiness that's our problem.
322
00:15:01,821 --> 00:15:05,622
It's our inability to accept
when we have maxed out.
323
00:15:05,658 --> 00:15:07,374
You think you're not happy?
324
00:15:07,410 --> 00:15:11,245
Trust me, Thom, you
couldn't possibly be happier.
325
00:15:35,855 --> 00:15:38,021
Forta-Dude.
326
00:15:38,023 --> 00:15:42,493
"Get amped and ripped as you max
out those reps like never before."
327
00:15:42,528 --> 00:15:44,161
Jesus, fuck.
328
00:15:44,196 --> 00:15:46,613
Okay, Thom Payne.
329
00:15:46,665 --> 00:15:51,201
By show of hands, how many
of you find Thom likable?
330
00:15:53,038 --> 00:15:55,122
Does anybody here find Thom likable?
331
00:15:55,174 --> 00:15:58,091
Nobody? Interesting.
332
00:15:58,127 --> 00:16:00,627
How many of you would like
to be like Thom someday?
333
00:16:00,679 --> 00:16:03,347
- Hell, no.
- Hey, let me ask you this.
334
00:16:03,382 --> 00:16:06,633
How many of you think Thom
should just kill himself?
335
00:16:06,685 --> 00:16:09,520
- That's a yes.
- Why?
336
00:16:09,555 --> 00:16:12,389
Because I don't look like this shithead?
337
00:16:12,391 --> 00:16:15,526
I'm not supposed to look like that.
338
00:16:15,561 --> 00:16:18,479
I have a job, a wife, and a child.
339
00:16:18,531 --> 00:16:21,315
Do you know how much time
340
00:16:21,367 --> 00:16:24,735
this ridiculous asshole
spends to look like that?
341
00:16:24,737 --> 00:16:27,154
Hours every fucking day.
342
00:16:27,206 --> 00:16:30,824
Do you know how much self-loathing
it requires to have washboard abs?
343
00:16:30,876 --> 00:16:35,078
How much you've got to hate
yourself to work that fucking hard?
344
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:37,965
Abs don't tell the world you're healthy.
345
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:42,085
They tell the world you're one
twinkie away from killing yourself.
346
00:16:42,087 --> 00:16:44,304
It's true. I hate myself.
347
00:16:44,340 --> 00:16:47,391
I pursue an impossible
standard of physical perfection
348
00:16:47,426 --> 00:16:49,226
in the hope it will make me worthy of love.
349
00:16:49,261 --> 00:16:51,895
- Thank you.
- Again with the projection.
350
00:16:51,931 --> 00:16:53,931
Bitch projects like a motherfucker, yo.
351
00:16:53,933 --> 00:16:56,350
Chill out, Thom. Camus said Sisyphus
352
00:16:56,402 --> 00:16:58,435
was happy in his absurd existence, a'ight?
353
00:16:58,437 --> 00:17:00,821
Camus also said that the
ridiculousness of life
354
00:17:00,856 --> 00:17:03,156
requires revolt, not suicide.
355
00:17:03,192 --> 00:17:06,910
Okay, show of hands, how many of
you think Thom is capable of revolt?
356
00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:10,664
Interesting.
357
00:17:10,699 --> 00:17:13,784
Mmm, interesting. Go fuck yourselves.
358
00:17:13,786 --> 00:17:16,036
Nice tits, asshole.
359
00:17:16,088 --> 00:17:19,039
Hey, honey, it's me. It's about 4:00.
360
00:17:19,091 --> 00:17:22,125
Listen, don't worry about
it. Jules is gonna be fine.
361
00:17:22,127 --> 00:17:25,095
Fathers miss dinner all the time.
362
00:17:25,130 --> 00:17:26,964
So why don't you just get in there,
363
00:17:26,966 --> 00:17:30,467
tell those Swedes how much you love IKEA
364
00:17:30,469 --> 00:17:32,970
and douchen-baggen duvet covers
365
00:17:32,972 --> 00:17:37,608
and freestanding bergen-belsen lamps,
366
00:17:37,643 --> 00:17:40,277
and we'll meet you at the Funny Farm, okay?
367
00:17:40,312 --> 00:17:42,479
I love you.
368
00:18:05,471 --> 00:18:09,389
Thank you. Thank you.
369
00:18:09,425 --> 00:18:13,927
Now, what we have to do first is
take a look at all the accounts
370
00:18:13,979 --> 00:18:17,681
and say where can we be
doing the better work?
371
00:18:17,683 --> 00:18:20,443
Yeah? Where are the opportunities
372
00:18:20,444 --> 00:18:22,514
- _
- for disruption?
373
00:18:22,521 --> 00:18:24,771
For misruption?
374
00:18:24,823 --> 00:18:29,159
Business today travels
at the speed of ideas.
375
00:18:29,194 --> 00:18:32,279
And you don't have to like
it, but you can't ignore it.
376
00:18:32,331 --> 00:18:36,099
First we had the black and white, yeah?
377
00:18:36,135 --> 00:18:38,785
Then came color.
378
00:18:38,837 --> 00:18:40,837
What comes after color?
379
00:18:40,873 --> 00:18:43,507
You tell us.
380
00:18:43,542 --> 00:18:47,010
What would Steve Jobs
do with the army account?
381
00:18:47,046 --> 00:18:49,763
Yeah? Or even at brands like Keebler?
382
00:18:49,798 --> 00:18:54,184
How are we using the social?
383
00:18:54,219 --> 00:18:57,437
Maybe it's time we shipped
the little elves off to Miami.
384
00:18:57,473 --> 00:19:00,807
For a, uh, how do you say it?
385
00:19:02,394 --> 00:19:04,227
A forced retirement.
386
00:19:11,737 --> 00:19:13,870
- Why?
- Why what?
387
00:19:13,906 --> 00:19:17,240
Why does Keebler need a social media plan?
388
00:19:17,276 --> 00:19:20,043
Because it isn't the '90s.
389
00:19:20,079 --> 00:19:23,046
It's a cookie, Gustaf.
390
00:19:23,082 --> 00:19:26,500
- I'm Gottfrid.
- Oh, right, well, you know, unfriend me.
391
00:19:26,552 --> 00:19:28,218
Yeah, I'm sorry.
392
00:19:28,253 --> 00:19:29,386
You know, I bought some...
393
00:19:29,421 --> 00:19:31,722
excuse me... Pepto-Bismol yesterday.
394
00:19:31,757 --> 00:19:34,508
That's what I get for eating
in the downstairs cafeteria.
395
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:37,511
And on the side of the package
396
00:19:37,563 --> 00:19:40,514
- I swear it said, "follow us on Twitter."
- Yeah. Yeah.
397
00:19:40,566 --> 00:19:44,768
Who the fuck wants to follow
Pepto-Bismol on Twitter?
398
00:19:44,770 --> 00:19:46,770
Are you that lonely?
399
00:19:46,772 --> 00:19:50,774
I mean, what the fuck is
wrong with your fucking asshole
400
00:19:50,776 --> 00:19:54,411
that you need to follow
Pepto-Bismol on Twitter?
401
00:19:54,446 --> 00:19:57,330
What is it? Is it like
I need to take a shit.
402
00:19:57,366 --> 00:20:01,585
Hmm, I wonder what's going
on in the pink bismuth world.
403
00:20:06,208 --> 00:20:08,875
Look, Keebler had its best year last year
404
00:20:08,927 --> 00:20:12,596
and old or not, those elves
are beloved in this country.
405
00:20:12,631 --> 00:20:14,715
My grandparents are beloved, too,
406
00:20:14,767 --> 00:20:18,385
but I'm not going to hire them, am I?
407
00:20:18,437 --> 00:20:21,688
Gottfrid, I don't think we have enough
money in the budget for both of them.
408
00:20:21,724 --> 00:20:25,142
That right there is something
that we need to change.
409
00:20:25,144 --> 00:20:27,644
This technophobia.
410
00:20:27,646 --> 00:20:31,031
I agree. Why don't we
fire your grandparents?
411
00:20:31,066 --> 00:20:33,533
- Maybe, Thom.
- Maybe, maybe.
412
00:20:33,569 --> 00:20:35,986
I'm sorry, I'm feeling a little strange.
413
00:20:35,988 --> 00:20:37,704
I'm gonna take a lie-down.
414
00:20:37,740 --> 00:20:40,457
But if any of you are Pinterested,
415
00:20:40,492 --> 00:20:43,960
you can follow my fucking
asshole on Twitter.
416
00:20:46,415 --> 00:20:49,750
Okay, some strong opinions.
417
00:20:55,007 --> 00:20:58,008
Fuck! What the fuck?
418
00:21:02,314 --> 00:21:04,097
Fast Eddie.
419
00:21:10,022 --> 00:21:11,855
Ernie?
420
00:21:13,826 --> 00:21:15,192
Ernie?
421
00:21:15,194 --> 00:21:17,577
Hold it right there.
422
00:21:17,613 --> 00:21:20,247
Ernie, what the hell are you doing?
423
00:21:20,282 --> 00:21:22,249
46 years, Thom.
424
00:21:22,284 --> 00:21:24,951
46 fucking years I gave that company
425
00:21:25,003 --> 00:21:26,953
living in this fucking tree, Thom.
426
00:21:27,005 --> 00:21:28,705
And now they're going to fire me?
427
00:21:28,707 --> 00:21:31,174
Well, not if I kill us all first.
428
00:21:31,210 --> 00:21:33,593
Ernie, Ernie, no one's gonna fire you.
429
00:21:33,629 --> 00:21:35,929
- I won't let them.
- You fucking pussy.
430
00:21:35,964 --> 00:21:37,798
You'll be lucky if they don't fire you.
431
00:21:37,850 --> 00:21:40,801
Ernie, what about JJ and Buckets?
432
00:21:40,853 --> 00:21:42,385
And Elmer? Little Elmer.
433
00:21:42,387 --> 00:21:44,554
Doesn't Elmer deserve a father?
434
00:21:44,556 --> 00:21:47,057
A father who takes it up
the ass his whole life.
435
00:21:47,059 --> 00:21:49,860
Shit, they might as well
just move in with you.
436
00:21:49,895 --> 00:21:52,979
No, no, no, stop. We can
make this right, Ernie.
437
00:21:53,031 --> 00:21:56,950
We can make it right.
Like... like Steve Jobs.
438
00:21:56,985 --> 00:21:58,735
Like Steve what?
439
00:21:58,737 --> 00:22:01,288
The Jack. The iPod Jack.
440
00:22:01,323 --> 00:22:03,824
He wanted to make a bad situation right,
441
00:22:03,876 --> 00:22:05,959
so he had 100 engineers
442
00:22:05,994 --> 00:22:08,461
fix every single one and work all night.
443
00:22:08,497 --> 00:22:11,498
Just to make it right, Ernie.
444
00:22:11,550 --> 00:22:13,550
They worked all night?
445
00:22:13,585 --> 00:22:15,418
All night, buddy.
446
00:22:15,420 --> 00:22:18,388
He sounds like a fucking prick.
447
00:22:22,010 --> 00:22:24,511
- Ma!
- Oh, my Ernie.
448
00:22:24,563 --> 00:22:26,646
My Ernie. Oh, no.
449
00:22:26,682 --> 00:22:28,348
- So sorry.
- No!
450
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:30,483
- I'm so sorry.
- No.
451
00:22:30,519 --> 00:22:32,102
Oh!
452
00:22:36,608 --> 00:22:39,326
Oh, my stars!
453
00:22:39,361 --> 00:22:41,995
So soft.
454
00:22:42,030 --> 00:22:44,030
So chewy.
455
00:22:44,082 --> 00:22:47,117
Oh, Thom. What are you doing?
456
00:22:47,119 --> 00:22:51,121
Oh, Thom. Thom, I have
waited so long for this.
457
00:22:51,123 --> 00:22:53,590
Oh, my, Thom.
458
00:22:53,625 --> 00:22:57,010
That's uncommonly good. Ooh!
459
00:22:57,045 --> 00:23:00,380
You're double-stuffed.
460
00:23:00,432 --> 00:23:02,933
You're so fucking double-stuffed. Huh?
461
00:23:02,968 --> 00:23:05,719
- Thom?
- You gonna take your teeth out, hmm?
462
00:23:05,771 --> 00:23:08,772
Ahem, Thom, they canceled.
463
00:23:10,726 --> 00:23:12,642
- What time is it?
- 6:30.
464
00:23:12,644 --> 00:23:14,728
- I'm late.
- They canceled.
465
00:23:14,780 --> 00:23:16,646
- Jules?
- The Swedes.
466
00:23:16,648 --> 00:23:18,782
Oh, motherfuckers!
467
00:23:22,821 --> 00:23:26,072
Julius, want to go down the slide, honey?
468
00:23:26,124 --> 00:23:28,992
No, I don't want to go down.
469
00:23:28,994 --> 00:23:31,995
Okay, you don't... you don't
have to go down the slide
470
00:23:31,997 --> 00:23:34,381
if you don't want to.
Don't do it for me, honey.
471
00:23:34,416 --> 00:23:36,583
If you don't want to
go down, don't go down.
472
00:23:39,805 --> 00:23:42,055
My Alexander used to be like that.
473
00:23:42,090 --> 00:23:44,474
Now he goes down headfirst.
474
00:23:45,928 --> 00:23:48,511
- Used to be like what?
- What?
475
00:23:48,513 --> 00:23:51,514
You said your son used to
be like that. Be like what?
476
00:23:51,516 --> 00:23:53,516
Oh, just, you know.
477
00:23:53,518 --> 00:23:55,018
Why don't you mind your
own fucking business?
478
00:23:57,022 --> 00:23:59,606
Jules, just... just come on down.
479
00:23:59,658 --> 00:24:01,775
We're here to have fun.
480
00:24:01,827 --> 00:24:04,611
- I was just trying to be helpful.
- No, you weren't.
481
00:24:04,663 --> 00:24:06,863
You were trying to be
superior at the Funny Farm.
482
00:24:06,865 --> 00:24:09,866
It's fucking pathetic.
483
00:24:09,868 --> 00:24:11,868
Hi.
484
00:24:11,870 --> 00:24:15,288
- They canceled.
- Are you kidding me?
485
00:24:15,340 --> 00:24:18,508
- Oh, this is bullshit, Thom.
- There's nothing I can do.
486
00:24:18,543 --> 00:24:21,428
Oh, well, they don't have families, they
don't have kids, why would they give a shit?
487
00:24:21,463 --> 00:24:24,631
They are fucking kids. I still
can't tell them to fuck off.
488
00:24:24,683 --> 00:24:27,050
Thom, it's fucking bullshit.
489
00:24:28,387 --> 00:24:30,353
How's Julius?
490
00:24:30,389 --> 00:24:32,639
Is he just sitting there doing nothing?
491
00:24:32,691 --> 00:24:34,357
No, he's having a great time.
492
00:24:37,396 --> 00:24:39,396
Let me talk to him.
493
00:24:39,398 --> 00:24:40,981
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
494
00:24:41,033 --> 00:24:43,566
It's dada.
495
00:24:43,568 --> 00:24:45,568
Hi, dada.
496
00:24:45,570 --> 00:24:47,287
Hey, buddy boy.
497
00:24:47,322 --> 00:24:49,372
What's going on? You having fun?
498
00:24:49,408 --> 00:24:50,957
Not really.
499
00:24:50,993 --> 00:24:53,710
Hey, dad, your balloon is dying.
500
00:24:53,745 --> 00:24:55,662
The red one from your party.
501
00:24:55,714 --> 00:24:57,831
Hey, I'll get you a new one, I promise.
502
00:24:57,883 --> 00:25:00,633
And, hey,
503
00:25:00,669 --> 00:25:03,336
I'm really sorry I
wasn't there today, okay?
504
00:25:03,388 --> 00:25:05,638
Sure, I know.
505
00:25:05,674 --> 00:25:07,474
Next week, I promise.
506
00:25:07,509 --> 00:25:11,311
Okay, we'll go next week. Bye, dada.
507
00:25:11,346 --> 00:25:13,096
Bye, buddy.
508
00:25:27,112 --> 00:25:29,162
Jonathan?
509
00:25:50,769 --> 00:25:53,136
Martini?
510
00:25:53,138 --> 00:25:57,057
A little dirty.
511
00:25:57,109 --> 00:25:59,642
Vodka. Vodka?
512
00:25:59,644 --> 00:26:02,562
Gin. Face-to-face with the Swedes
513
00:26:02,614 --> 00:26:04,981
down at the bar cleaning
up your fucking mess.
514
00:26:04,983 --> 00:26:06,783
You can't remember their names, can you?
515
00:26:06,818 --> 00:26:09,652
- Fuck you, Thom.
- Excuse me?
516
00:26:09,654 --> 00:26:12,739
'Tis pity we're all whores, isn't it, Thom?
517
00:26:12,791 --> 00:26:14,207
Everyone but you.
518
00:26:14,242 --> 00:26:17,077
I must say, that was a stirring oratory
519
00:26:17,129 --> 00:26:21,081
you delivered earlier on
the rights of animated elves.
520
00:26:22,501 --> 00:26:25,969
You suck the same cocks we all do, Thom.
521
00:26:26,004 --> 00:26:29,255
Wincing at the taste doesn't
make you a better man,
522
00:26:29,307 --> 00:26:31,808
it only makes you a worse whore.
523
00:26:31,843 --> 00:26:36,062
So if you're gonna show
me the error of my ways,
524
00:26:36,098 --> 00:26:39,432
do it from the cedar
deck of your four-bedroom,
525
00:26:39,484 --> 00:26:41,484
two-and-a-half-bath American dream
526
00:26:41,520 --> 00:26:43,736
that you earned the same way I earned mine.
527
00:26:45,273 --> 00:26:47,357
You should drink more, Jon.
528
00:26:48,693 --> 00:26:50,610
I couldn't possibly.
529
00:27:37,325 --> 00:27:38,741
What's that?
530
00:27:38,743 --> 00:27:40,910
That's just balloons.
531
00:27:40,912 --> 00:27:43,913
Oh, thank you, you
dick. I meant in the bag.
532
00:27:45,083 --> 00:27:47,917
Oh, that's some champagne.
533
00:27:47,919 --> 00:27:49,636
Hmm.
534
00:27:49,671 --> 00:27:53,256
And 50mg of hard-on.
535
00:27:53,258 --> 00:27:55,758
Are we fucking?
536
00:27:55,760 --> 00:27:57,760
Yes, we're fucking.
537
00:27:57,762 --> 00:28:00,597
"Chemical cock." My favorite.
538
00:28:00,599 --> 00:28:03,600
Except I took some 20 minutes
ago and nothing's happened.
539
00:28:03,602 --> 00:28:05,018
Oh, no, wait. There it is.
540
00:28:05,070 --> 00:28:07,270
- Stand back.
- Yeah, mmm.
541
00:28:07,272 --> 00:28:09,772
Whoa.
542
00:28:09,774 --> 00:28:12,192
- Our safe word is "Swede."
- Let's do it.
543
00:28:12,244 --> 00:28:14,577
- Yeah.
- Imagine the scenario...
544
00:28:14,613 --> 00:28:16,412
Sometimes on the way to work,
545
00:28:16,448 --> 00:28:19,415
I like to imagine Samuel Beckett
546
00:28:19,451 --> 00:28:21,684
waiting for, let's say,
547
00:28:21,720 --> 00:28:24,621
the 6:47 to Grand Central.
548
00:28:24,623 --> 00:28:27,290
And Sam's pissed off. He hates his job.
549
00:28:27,292 --> 00:28:30,293
Wants to write, wants to
do something that matters.
550
00:28:30,295 --> 00:28:33,046
But he does his shitty job every day
551
00:28:33,098 --> 00:28:35,932
because Sam loves his wife
and they love their child.
552
00:28:35,967 --> 00:28:38,601
And somehow Sam's found
a sliver of happiness
553
00:28:38,637 --> 00:28:40,720
in this shitpile of a world.
554
00:28:40,772 --> 00:28:43,273
So basically, Sam's fucked.
555
00:28:50,315 --> 00:28:52,232
My apologies.
556
00:28:52,284 --> 00:28:54,817
Because if he wants to keep that happiness,
557
00:28:54,819 --> 00:28:57,704
Sam's got to suck some cock.
558
00:28:57,739 --> 00:28:59,822
The same cocks we all do.
559
00:29:01,660 --> 00:29:03,743
So Beckett takes his seat on the train,
560
00:29:03,795 --> 00:29:06,129
fires up his iPad and he thinks,
561
00:29:06,164 --> 00:29:10,250
"I can't go on. I'll go on to target.
562
00:29:10,302 --> 00:29:13,319
It's 30% off all skinny jeans
563
00:29:13,320 --> 00:29:15,053
Till next motherfucking Monday
564
00:29:18,054 --> 00:29:21,054
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