1
00:00:00,967 --> 00:00:02,935
(PHIL READING)
2
00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:05,062
If I'm so bad,
then why do you want to live with me?
3
00:00:05,138 --> 00:00:06,332
Because I'm your wife.
4
00:00:06,406 --> 00:00:08,169
I wish I could have a do-over.
5
00:00:09,042 --> 00:00:10,236
Oh, my God!
6
00:00:10,310 --> 00:00:12,676
- You're all alone out here?
- Yes.
7
00:00:12,746 --> 00:00:13,974
(ALL SCREAM HAPPILY)
8
00:00:14,047 --> 00:00:15,605
- Phil?
- Wait, you know Phil?
9
00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:18,048
- Phil's my husband.
- Surprise!
10
00:00:20,186 --> 00:00:23,917
You guys don't understand.
This was gonna be an awesome joke.
11
00:00:23,990 --> 00:00:26,959
I just can't believe you didn't tell us
there were other people.
12
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:29,154
Yeah, that's like the one thing
that's important in this world.
13
00:00:29,229 --> 00:00:31,891
Yeah, and all for what,
just so you can get laid?
14
00:00:31,998 --> 00:00:35,297
No, because I had this
awesome idea for a prank.
15
00:00:35,368 --> 00:00:36,858
And I had it perfectly lined up.
16
00:00:36,936 --> 00:00:39,769
I mean, I had you guys thinking
that I was going out camping,
17
00:00:39,839 --> 00:00:42,364
and I had you guys thinking
these guys didn't exist.
18
00:00:42,442 --> 00:00:44,171
That's called a perfect storm.
19
00:00:44,377 --> 00:00:46,504
So, there we are,
about to go skinny-dipping...
20
00:00:46,579 --> 00:00:48,171
You were gonna go skinny-dipping?
21
00:00:48,248 --> 00:00:52,344
(SCOFFS) As if I would ever do that.
I am married to you, Carol.
22
00:00:52,419 --> 00:00:54,319
You told us Carol was dead.
23
00:00:54,387 --> 00:00:55,945
- What? What?
- Oh, my God!
24
00:00:56,022 --> 00:00:57,717
(STAMMERS) No, a different Carol.
25
00:00:57,991 --> 00:01:02,485
Carol, I was, uh, married to this other
woman named Carol before the virus.
26
00:01:02,562 --> 00:01:03,961
You told me you were single.
27
00:01:04,097 --> 00:01:07,863
Yeah, I was,
before I got married to that, uh, Carol.
28
00:01:08,601 --> 00:01:12,697
And, uh, she died in that,
uh, tragic snowmobiling accident.
29
00:01:12,772 --> 00:01:14,262
Sorry. I miss you.
30
00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:15,901
You're disgusting.
31
00:01:15,975 --> 00:01:18,409
Disgustingly good at pranks. God.
32
00:01:18,478 --> 00:01:20,343
You know, before I go on, can I just say
33
00:01:20,413 --> 00:01:23,814
this is really disrespectful to Carol.
The other Carol, the late Carol.
34
00:01:24,317 --> 00:01:25,978
Uh, but, you know, back to this prank.
35
00:01:26,052 --> 00:01:29,419
So, you know,
God, it was gonna be such a great one,
36
00:01:29,489 --> 00:01:31,457
and then you guys all just ruined it.
37
00:01:31,524 --> 00:01:34,425
I feel so bad for you.
You missed out on this wonderful thing.
38
00:01:34,594 --> 00:01:36,459
I mean, see, I was gonna... I was gonna...
39
00:01:36,529 --> 00:01:38,429
(STAMMERING)
40
00:01:40,266 --> 00:01:44,202
What was gonna happen was,
when we got out to those hot springs,
41
00:01:44,270 --> 00:01:47,831
I was gonna say,
"Hey, wait. I need my bathing suit."
42
00:01:47,907 --> 00:01:49,932
Then I was gonna lead you back
to our cul-de-sac,
43
00:01:50,210 --> 00:01:53,236
introduce you to all these people
who mean the most to me in the world.
44
00:01:53,813 --> 00:01:55,906
'Cause you do.
Have I ever told you guys that?
45
00:01:55,982 --> 00:01:58,041
I wish I told you more. Yeah.
46
00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:00,518
Phil, stop talking.
47
00:02:00,587 --> 00:02:05,854
No! No way, because it feels to me
like you guys still think this wasn't a prank.
48
00:02:05,925 --> 00:02:09,452
And that's... That's not acceptable.
That's where I draw the line.
49
00:02:10,263 --> 00:02:11,753
Still think he's a good guy?
50
00:02:12,465 --> 00:02:13,454
(SIGHS)
51
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,792
Todd, come on, bud.
There's got to be some explanation here!
52
00:02:17,170 --> 00:02:20,731
I mean, there is an explanation. The...
You know, the, uh, prank thing.
53
00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:24,799
Way to go, Phil. He actually really liked you.
I don't know why, but he did.
54
00:02:25,378 --> 00:02:27,778
You guys can follow us to the cul-de-sac.
That's where we live.
55
00:02:28,081 --> 00:02:29,571
Because we exist!
56
00:02:30,416 --> 00:02:31,508
(MUTTERS)
57
00:02:33,853 --> 00:02:34,842
(CAR DOOR CLOSING)
58
00:02:37,323 --> 00:02:38,620
It was a prank.
59
00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:44,092
Carol, wait... What, you're just
gonna leave me here? What?
60
00:02:47,467 --> 00:02:48,456
What?
61
00:02:56,000 --> 00:03:04,000
Ripped By mstoll
62
00:03:35,415 --> 00:03:37,280
(LAUGHTER)
63
00:03:37,350 --> 00:03:40,842
This is amazing.
I can't believe you guys have a cow!
64
00:03:41,854 --> 00:03:43,947
And Gail's a chef, so this is, like...
65
00:03:44,390 --> 00:03:48,622
Oh, hon, the things that I can make with
this. My mind is literally spinning.
66
00:03:48,695 --> 00:03:51,721
Crème brûlée, dulce de leche.
67
00:03:51,798 --> 00:03:52,924
Good morning.
68
00:03:56,936 --> 00:04:01,236
Just came here
to get some, uh, java, little milk.
69
00:04:06,212 --> 00:04:09,511
These guys give you the tour, huh?
Show you around?
70
00:04:14,387 --> 00:04:16,651
I'll take that as a yes or no.
71
00:04:21,227 --> 00:04:23,889
Hey, anybody seen Carol anywhere?
72
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:28,256
(SIGHS)
73
00:04:29,035 --> 00:04:31,367
How long am I gonna be
in the doghouse here?
74
00:04:31,437 --> 00:04:32,699
It was a prank.
75
00:04:34,607 --> 00:04:36,131
Okay, I get it.
76
00:04:36,209 --> 00:04:38,939
You're giving me the silent treatment.
Very mature.
77
00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:42,709
Well, guess what, I can silent-treatment
with the best of 'em, huh?
78
00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:43,840
You want to do this? Let's go.
79
00:05:16,049 --> 00:05:17,846
Boom. Silent treatment.
80
00:05:19,786 --> 00:05:21,185
It was a prank.
81
00:05:26,859 --> 00:05:27,848
PHIL: Carol?
82
00:05:30,396 --> 00:05:31,658
Carol?
83
00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:37,428
- (SIGHS) Carol.
- CAROL: What?
84
00:05:38,271 --> 00:05:40,796
Oh, there you are.
Hey, I really need to talk to you.
85
00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:43,608
Fine. Let's talk.
86
00:05:44,744 --> 00:05:46,803
(EERIE MOANING)
87
00:05:50,450 --> 00:05:53,248
Not quite understanding what you're...
What you're doing there.
88
00:05:53,319 --> 00:05:55,753
- Isn't that how ghosts talk?
- Carol.
89
00:05:55,822 --> 00:05:58,313
Well, I'm dead, right?
Isn't that what you told them?
90
00:05:58,691 --> 00:06:00,022
Can I please explain?
91
00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:02,561
I think it's pretty cut-and-dry, Phil.
92
00:06:02,628 --> 00:06:04,220
You told me you were going camping,
93
00:06:04,297 --> 00:06:06,857
and then you went out
skinny-dipping with two hussies.
94
00:06:06,933 --> 00:06:10,027
- But I didn't do anything!
- Bologna on rye, Phil!
95
00:06:10,103 --> 00:06:12,901
No! Truth meat on honesty bread!
96
00:06:13,139 --> 00:06:17,542
You are nothing but a sewer rat,
you dumb donkey.
97
00:06:17,610 --> 00:06:20,306
Just catting around
like the cock of the walk.
98
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,575
Well, guess what, you skunk,
99
00:06:22,648 --> 00:06:24,946
you just sprayed the wrong dog.
100
00:06:25,017 --> 00:06:26,245
Now, get out.
101
00:06:26,586 --> 00:06:28,349
Carol, this is my house.
102
00:06:28,588 --> 00:06:30,419
Skunks don't live in houses.
103
00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:32,881
And this one's haunted, anyways.
104
00:06:33,993 --> 00:06:34,982
(SIGHS)
105
00:06:38,931 --> 00:06:40,262
Get out!
106
00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:49,230
(SIGHS)
107
00:07:01,721 --> 00:07:06,385
Thanks for letting me stay here, guys.
It's nice to feel welcome somewhere.
108
00:07:06,459 --> 00:07:08,927
And don't worry, I won't be here long.
This is temporary.
109
00:07:09,328 --> 00:07:10,955
They're gonna come looking for me.
110
00:07:11,230 --> 00:07:14,222
You know, this'll be good.
You know, this is a nice change of pace.
111
00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:15,892
I could use a break from people.
112
00:07:16,135 --> 00:07:19,298
Yeah, with all their,
"Oh, Phil, do this, do that. You're a jerk."
113
00:07:19,372 --> 00:07:21,101
(JABBERING)
114
00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:23,836
Oh, no, this is good. This is nice.
115
00:07:23,910 --> 00:07:25,901
Solitude, loneliness, friends.
116
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:28,975
And this pool table makes a fine bed, yeah.
117
00:07:29,248 --> 00:07:32,411
You know, it's firm, no give,
which is great for the back.
118
00:07:32,485 --> 00:07:35,784
Oh, yeah. Beds are overrated.
119
00:07:37,056 --> 00:07:38,717
(EXHALES)
120
00:07:38,791 --> 00:07:40,224
Don't miss beds.
121
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:42,120
GAIL: Knock, knock.
122
00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:43,753
ERICA: (SING-SONG) Carol?
GAIL: Knock, knock.
123
00:07:43,830 --> 00:07:45,957
(LAUGHS) Did you hear us knocking?
124
00:07:46,532 --> 00:07:49,501
Well, we just wanted to drop by
with this pecan pie
125
00:07:49,569 --> 00:07:52,936
and say we hope
that there's no hard feelings.
126
00:07:53,539 --> 00:07:55,598
Why would there be any hard feelings?
127
00:07:56,409 --> 00:07:59,537
All you did was make a series
of quick, slut-based decisions
128
00:07:59,612 --> 00:08:02,103
about sharing your body
with a man you hardly knew.
129
00:08:03,115 --> 00:08:05,982
Carol, you know
we would never have done that stuff
130
00:08:06,052 --> 00:08:07,815
if we'd known Phil was married.
131
00:08:07,887 --> 00:08:11,118
(CHUCKLES) Of course.
I don't hold it against you.
132
00:08:11,190 --> 00:08:14,387
You had no idea.
And you're not even from here.
133
00:08:14,460 --> 00:08:16,587
In this country,
we tend to do a bit of research
134
00:08:16,662 --> 00:08:19,529
before inviting a man
into the land down under.
135
00:08:20,399 --> 00:08:24,062
Carol, I can see
that you're hurting really badly,
136
00:08:24,136 --> 00:08:27,230
and I'm hoping that
we just move past all this.
137
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:30,832
But in the meantime,
we're just gonna leave this pie right here.
138
00:08:30,910 --> 00:08:32,537
Oh, I can't eat that pie.
139
00:08:33,246 --> 00:08:35,714
Oh, are you allergic to pecans?
140
00:08:35,781 --> 00:08:38,909
No, I just don't enjoy hussy pie.
141
00:08:39,285 --> 00:08:40,980
You understand.
142
00:08:41,053 --> 00:08:43,749
I don't, but we'll be taking off now.
143
00:08:44,757 --> 00:08:45,849
(QUIETLY) Yeah.
144
00:08:46,025 --> 00:08:47,720
Okay, Gary, what's your poison?
145
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:51,292
Tequila sunrise, huh?
Okay, that's a fun choice.
146
00:08:53,733 --> 00:08:54,722
(BOTTLE SHATTERS)
147
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:55,892
Oh. Should we try that again?
148
00:08:55,968 --> 00:08:58,300
Just grab another bottle, like so. Try that.
149
00:08:58,604 --> 00:08:59,593
(BOTTLE SHATTERS)
150
00:08:59,672 --> 00:09:01,663
Cruise makes it look so easy, you know?
151
00:09:02,775 --> 00:09:03,764
(BOTTLE SHATTERS)
152
00:09:05,745 --> 00:09:07,212
Ow, that hurt. That really hurt.
153
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:08,777
(MUMBLES)
154
00:09:08,848 --> 00:09:10,748
They must have CGI'd those bottles, right?
155
00:09:12,752 --> 00:09:13,741
(BOTTLE SHATTERS)
156
00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:17,079
Yeah, I'm gonna have all these tricks down
by the time they come looking for me.
157
00:09:17,323 --> 00:09:20,383
It's gonna be a fun surprise for them.
Okay, here we go. Okay.
158
00:09:20,793 --> 00:09:21,782
Whoa!
159
00:09:22,028 --> 00:09:23,017
I got it!
160
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:28,632
Hey, Carol. Can we come in?
161
00:09:28,701 --> 00:09:31,169
Oh, absolutely. Come in, have a seat, you.
162
00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:34,934
Hey, I brought you some tea.
Careful, it's really hot, okay?
163
00:09:35,875 --> 00:09:38,867
So, we heard you talked
with Gail and Erica.
164
00:09:39,512 --> 00:09:43,414
We just wanted to come over
and see if you're doing okay.
165
00:09:44,050 --> 00:09:45,642
I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?
166
00:09:46,352 --> 00:09:48,149
- Everything's fine.
- Carol, that's...
167
00:09:49,555 --> 00:09:51,921
Sorry, I tried to warn you about...
168
00:09:54,527 --> 00:09:57,189
That's all right, Todd. It's okay.
169
00:09:57,630 --> 00:09:59,097
(WHISPERS) Everything's fine, so...
170
00:10:05,638 --> 00:10:08,300
Okay, I see what you're doing over there.
171
00:10:09,375 --> 00:10:10,865
What? What are we doing?
172
00:10:10,943 --> 00:10:13,434
Sitting so far apart from each other.
173
00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:16,640
- Oh, we're not... No.
- I'm a strong woman, okay?
174
00:10:16,716 --> 00:10:19,879
I can handle seeing
two people being affectionate.
175
00:10:19,986 --> 00:10:21,044
Ah.
176
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:24,612
Please, kiss each other, for me.
(CHUCKLES) I can take it.
177
00:10:24,690 --> 00:10:26,658
(CHUCKLES)
We're just kind of hanging out right now,
178
00:10:26,726 --> 00:10:28,284
- you know what I mean...
- Carol, this is uncomfortable.
179
00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:29,953
You know what's uncomfortable,
180
00:10:30,029 --> 00:10:32,827
is this pity party you're throwing me, okay?
181
00:10:33,265 --> 00:10:35,324
Go ahead, kiss. Come on.
182
00:10:35,935 --> 00:10:37,800
Kiss. For me, please.
183
00:10:38,971 --> 00:10:44,170
Oh, come on, you can do better than that.
Get into it. Come on, kiss like you used to!
184
00:10:44,243 --> 00:10:45,904
(TODD MOANING LOUDLY)
185
00:10:45,978 --> 00:10:50,108
- Oh, that was so fake! Kiss! Come on!
- (BOTH MOANING)
186
00:10:51,050 --> 00:10:53,075
- Okay, that's enough, Todd.
- Yes, copy that.
187
00:10:53,152 --> 00:10:55,347
- I just... Whoo! Very.
- This is weird.
188
00:10:55,421 --> 00:10:57,048
Carol, what is going on with you?
189
00:10:57,256 --> 00:10:59,952
It's called being just fine, Melissa.
Maybe you should try it some time.
190
00:11:00,159 --> 00:11:01,319
- Carol.
- Now, if you don't mind,
191
00:11:01,394 --> 00:11:03,259
I'd like to be alone. Thank you.
192
00:11:03,996 --> 00:11:05,861
Yeah, okay.
193
00:11:07,700 --> 00:11:09,793
Well, just let us know if you need anything.
194
00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:14,370
They're not coming.
195
00:11:16,075 --> 00:11:18,043
Oh, they don't care where I am
196
00:11:18,911 --> 00:11:20,538
'cause they don't like me.
197
00:11:21,547 --> 00:11:24,607
Which is really sad
'cause I want to go back!
198
00:11:25,384 --> 00:11:27,978
I don't want to live at this stupid bar.
199
00:11:28,487 --> 00:11:30,751
A pool table for a bed.
200
00:11:31,757 --> 00:11:33,782
(SIGHS) I was wrong.
201
00:11:34,994 --> 00:11:37,019
Oh, beds are underrated.
202
00:11:37,797 --> 00:11:40,595
And people are underrated. God.
203
00:11:41,333 --> 00:11:44,234
Oh, but they don't like me.
They're not gonna talk to me.
204
00:11:44,837 --> 00:11:45,826
(SIGHS)
205
00:11:46,739 --> 00:11:50,368
I get it, I blew it. I really beefed it.
206
00:11:51,510 --> 00:11:56,971
I asked for a do-over and instead I got
a do-do-over. Boom. I still got it.
207
00:11:58,217 --> 00:11:59,241
(SIGHS)
208
00:11:59,318 --> 00:12:03,254
I'm persona non grata. Iced out.
209
00:12:04,190 --> 00:12:09,594
No one wants to have anything to do
with old Phil Miller.
210
00:12:10,429 --> 00:12:13,364
But I mean, I am who I am.
211
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:18,398
I can't just magically change
into another person.
212
00:12:19,905 --> 00:12:20,894
(MUTTERS SOFTLY)
213
00:12:22,641 --> 00:12:23,972
(KNOCKING)
214
00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:31,474
(IN A DEEP VOICE)
Hi. The name's Mike Miller.
215
00:12:31,550 --> 00:12:33,347
I'm looking for my twin brother, Phil.
216
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:35,785
Oh, my God, people! It's been so long.
217
00:12:35,855 --> 00:12:38,551
(STAMMERING) Oh, God! Damn it.
218
00:12:40,159 --> 00:12:41,558
How did that not work?
219
00:12:44,997 --> 00:12:46,191
ERICA: That's looking good.
TODD: Ooh! Yeah!
220
00:12:46,265 --> 00:12:47,926
ERICA: Oh, wow.
221
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,865
- Hey.
- GAIL: Good shot.
222
00:12:49,935 --> 00:12:52,631
- I just can't believe he put on a costume.
- (SCOFFS)
223
00:12:53,172 --> 00:12:54,434
That's what you can't believe?
224
00:12:54,507 --> 00:12:56,907
I can't believe he thought
we would believe he was his own brother.
225
00:12:56,976 --> 00:12:59,001
- TODD: Right?
- What did Carol say?
226
00:12:59,078 --> 00:13:01,103
Oh, she just slammed the door
right in his face.
227
00:13:01,180 --> 00:13:02,841
GAIL: Good for her, poor thing.
228
00:13:02,915 --> 00:13:05,315
I mean, that man is
a little tossed in the head.
229
00:13:05,384 --> 00:13:06,715
MELISSA: (LAUGHS) Yeah, a little.
230
00:13:07,019 --> 00:13:08,748
GAIL: Yeah.
MELISSA: He's also a pathological liar.
231
00:13:08,821 --> 00:13:10,288
TODD: Yeah.
ERICA: Oh, what a wanker.
232
00:13:10,689 --> 00:13:12,816
ERICA: We really dodged a bullet
with that guy.
233
00:13:12,892 --> 00:13:16,020
GAIL: Oh, goodbye and good riddance,
Phil Cormaneau.
234
00:13:16,362 --> 00:13:17,522
MELISSA: Cormaneau?
235
00:13:17,596 --> 00:13:18,927
TODD: His last name's Miller.
236
00:13:18,998 --> 00:13:20,898
ERICA: He lied about that, too?
237
00:13:20,966 --> 00:13:23,434
ERICA: Why?
MELISSA: Why not? Liar.
238
00:13:23,502 --> 00:13:25,663
ERICA: I can't believe he just lied.
TODD: What a liar.
239
00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:28,263
MELISSA: Take it easy.
TODD: Okay, I just feel disappointed...
240
00:13:29,275 --> 00:13:31,766
I do not feel great right now.
241
00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:35,371
They don't miss me at all.
242
00:13:35,981 --> 00:13:37,471
Why are they so mad?
243
00:13:37,917 --> 00:13:40,112
Why won't they give me
the benefit of the doubt?
244
00:13:40,786 --> 00:13:42,686
They think I'm just some liar.
245
00:13:43,155 --> 00:13:45,020
I am not a liar.
246
00:13:45,291 --> 00:13:48,385
I mean, what have I ever done
that would make them think that?
247
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,187
It was a prank. I found the cow!
248
00:13:52,264 --> 00:13:53,458
I got the rings.
249
00:13:53,532 --> 00:13:55,227
I'm a pretty major tennis guy.
250
00:13:55,301 --> 00:13:57,269
- Are you attracted to Melissa?
- No.
251
00:13:57,336 --> 00:13:58,598
- Are you lactose intolerant?
- Yes.
252
00:13:58,671 --> 00:13:59,899
I can fix a frigging door.
253
00:13:59,972 --> 00:14:00,961
Committed to this marriage.
254
00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:02,200
I've been very busy, Carol.
255
00:14:02,274 --> 00:14:03,571
- You're all alone out here?
- Yes.
256
00:14:03,642 --> 00:14:04,631
Must've been a raccoon.
257
00:14:04,710 --> 00:14:05,699
I used to have a VW Bug.
258
00:14:05,778 --> 00:14:07,075
I have diarrhea. Big shankhead here.
259
00:14:07,146 --> 00:14:08,477
Cormaneau. I'm a nice person.
260
00:14:08,547 --> 00:14:10,208
The name's Mike Miller. Balls are clean.
261
00:14:10,583 --> 00:14:11,607
(GASPS)
262
00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:13,345
I am a liar.
263
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:16,014
(LAUGHING)
264
00:14:17,756 --> 00:14:18,745
(TODD SIGHS)
265
00:14:19,024 --> 00:14:20,651
Oh, look who it is, everybody.
266
00:14:21,260 --> 00:14:23,922
- Mike Miller.
- Or is it Mike Cormaneau?
267
00:14:24,196 --> 00:14:25,185
(SIGHS)
268
00:14:25,364 --> 00:14:27,423
- Can I talk to you guys?
- No.
269
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:29,732
I'm not leaving until I say my piece.
270
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:31,803
Fine, stay here. We'll just ignore you.
271
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:33,600
You know what, anybody want a refill?
272
00:14:33,672 --> 00:14:35,230
- I do.
- TODD: Great.
273
00:14:35,307 --> 00:14:36,865
- GAIL: Thank you very much.
- Yeah, don't mind me.
274
00:14:36,942 --> 00:14:39,274
- TODD: You're welcome.
- I'll just be here, uh, doing this.
275
00:14:39,345 --> 00:14:41,404
(HIGH-PITCHED YELL)
276
00:14:45,751 --> 00:14:47,981
I'll just keep screaming
until you talk to me.
277
00:14:48,053 --> 00:14:49,953
(HIGH-PITCHED YELL)
278
00:14:52,157 --> 00:14:53,249
Phil.
279
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:56,354
Can't you get it through your little perm?
We don't want to talk to you.
280
00:14:57,129 --> 00:15:00,155
No, Melissa, let's just over
with which to get this.
281
00:15:03,636 --> 00:15:05,331
Are you guys ready for a bombshell?
282
00:15:07,039 --> 00:15:11,703
When I was gonna go skinny-dipping
with Gail and Erica, that wasn't a prank.
283
00:15:13,512 --> 00:15:16,413
That was a very real effort
to swim naked with women.
284
00:15:19,618 --> 00:15:20,642
Moving on. Melissa,
285
00:15:22,354 --> 00:15:26,256
I did not want to have sex with you
solely for the purpose of repopulation.
286
00:15:27,626 --> 00:15:30,925
I wanted to have sex with you
because you're a frigging smoke show.
287
00:15:33,399 --> 00:15:34,388
Todd,
288
00:15:35,334 --> 00:15:37,734
I did not co-write Fields of Gold.
289
00:15:37,970 --> 00:15:40,302
The only person
who wrote that song was Sting.
290
00:15:42,975 --> 00:15:44,840
And finally, Carol.
291
00:15:45,344 --> 00:15:46,333
(PHIL EXHALES)
292
00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:51,511
I can't even begin to count the ways
that I've been dishonest with you.
293
00:15:52,418 --> 00:15:53,976
But let me start with this.
294
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:56,547
We should have never gotten married.
295
00:15:58,624 --> 00:16:00,785
When I said "I do,"
296
00:16:00,859 --> 00:16:03,623
it was a lie, 'cause I didn't.
297
00:16:07,266 --> 00:16:11,703
And I know I've hurt you
and I'm really, really sorry.
298
00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:18,174
Look, I don't expect this to change the way
that any of you guys feel about me,
299
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:22,505
but I'd rather be
an honest person with no friends
300
00:16:23,048 --> 00:16:25,846
than live one more day as a liar, so...
301
00:16:28,454 --> 00:16:29,580
Smell ya never.
302
00:16:33,258 --> 00:16:34,384
Excuse me.
303
00:16:38,030 --> 00:16:39,224
(SIGHS)
304
00:16:42,234 --> 00:16:44,202
I knew he didn't write Fields of Gold.
305
00:17:04,156 --> 00:17:08,718
So, I, you know, I said my piece and, uh,
306
00:17:08,794 --> 00:17:12,525
did not get a lot of traction there,
but, uh, I feel good.
307
00:17:12,598 --> 00:17:15,192
I feel I did the right thing.
308
00:17:15,267 --> 00:17:17,167
I mean, it's... It's what I had to do.
309
00:17:17,236 --> 00:17:18,430
Um...
310
00:17:18,504 --> 00:17:19,493
CAROL: Phil?
311
00:17:20,906 --> 00:17:24,239
Phil, are you talking to balls
with faces drawn on them?
312
00:17:26,011 --> 00:17:28,502
Yes, I am.
313
00:17:29,481 --> 00:17:30,607
Okay.
314
00:17:31,116 --> 00:17:33,914
Well, I guess they can hear this, too.
315
00:17:35,087 --> 00:17:36,884
I have a few things to say.
316
00:17:36,955 --> 00:17:40,948
If you have any questions, comments
or applause, just save it until I'm done.
317
00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:45,730
I don't think applause will apply,
but just hold it till the end.
318
00:17:45,831 --> 00:17:46,820
Okay.
319
00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:48,594
Phil, what did I just ask?
320
00:17:48,934 --> 00:17:50,265
- Sorry.
- Phil!
321
00:18:00,145 --> 00:18:02,272
Phil, what do you think about this quilt?
322
00:18:07,219 --> 00:18:08,777
'Cause you know what I think?
323
00:18:08,854 --> 00:18:11,584
I think it's U-G-L-Y,
324
00:18:11,657 --> 00:18:13,522
this quilt ain't got no alibi.
325
00:18:13,592 --> 00:18:15,890
- It's ugly.
- (STOMPS FEET RHYTHMICALLY)
326
00:18:15,961 --> 00:18:16,950
It's ugly.
327
00:18:17,996 --> 00:18:19,395
Do you see where I'm going with this?
328
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:22,565
You can talk.
329
00:18:22,968 --> 00:18:25,664
Respectfully, I have no clue.
330
00:18:26,905 --> 00:18:32,207
Phil, sometimes, in quilting,
you just don't have the right scraps.
331
00:18:32,678 --> 00:18:37,445
And no matter how much effort you put in,
you make a quilt that looks like this.
332
00:18:38,617 --> 00:18:41,745
- I will agree that it's ugly.
- And you worked so hard on it
333
00:18:42,488 --> 00:18:45,821
and you trick yourself
into thinking it's beautiful,
334
00:18:45,891 --> 00:18:49,622
and you display it proudly
in the entryway on your divan.
335
00:18:51,330 --> 00:18:53,821
And then your friend Barbara
comes over a few days later,
336
00:18:53,899 --> 00:18:58,359
and she tells you that she thinks it's best
if you fold it up and put it in the closet.
337
00:18:58,737 --> 00:19:00,432
You see what I'm saying now?
338
00:19:01,039 --> 00:19:04,372
Barbara's a pretty mean person
and tells it like it is, and...
339
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:07,343
Right? Yes?
340
00:19:08,947 --> 00:19:11,609
I think it's time
we put this quilt in the closet.
341
00:19:17,556 --> 00:19:18,648
So, here.
342
00:19:24,897 --> 00:19:26,125
Divorce papers?
343
00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:28,561
They're official. I'm a notary.
344
00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:30,665
Are you sure about this?
345
00:19:31,036 --> 00:19:32,367
Yeah, Phil.
346
00:19:32,804 --> 00:19:36,399
You're better off without me.
I'm better off without you.
347
00:19:37,376 --> 00:19:39,310
I just want you to be happy.
348
00:19:40,779 --> 00:19:43,714
Well, I just want you to be happy.
349
00:19:45,150 --> 00:19:46,139
Then sign.
350
00:19:52,925 --> 00:19:55,257
There, and there.
351
00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:56,683
Uh-huh.
352
00:19:57,529 --> 00:20:02,831
And, ooh, Social Security, right there.
This is fun to notarize again. (LAUGHS)
353
00:20:02,901 --> 00:20:04,562
Oh, man, once you break the seal...
354
00:20:05,771 --> 00:20:07,033
It's a notary joke.
355
00:20:07,839 --> 00:20:10,330
I wish Glen were here.
He would've gotten a kick out of that one.
356
00:20:13,979 --> 00:20:15,276
It's official.
357
00:20:15,781 --> 00:20:17,078
It's official.
358
00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:21,717
- Friends?
- Friends.
359
00:20:23,822 --> 00:20:25,380
Ah, get in here.
360
00:20:47,512 --> 00:20:51,573
- Well, see you back at the cul-de-sac.
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
361
00:20:59,491 --> 00:21:01,083
So, that's my ex-wife.
362
00:21:04,500 --> 00:21:12,500
Ripped By mstoll