Oh, hi, Brenda.
Oh, my God. That's terrible.
Well, I had plans, but I guess I can help you out.
Okay.
Bye.
Yes!
Congratulations.
You don't even know what it is.
I don't care. Keep dancing.
Kathy Stein, the district sales manager for La Marie, has meningitis.
Yes!
Meningitis! Dance!
No. That's not the good part.
She can't make it to the La Marie conference in Las Vegas...
...so they asked me to go.
Vegas, all right! I'm going to Vegas!
I'm gonna be like down in the casino, watch out...
No, you're not.
Why not?
Because someone has to watch the kids...
...and that someone is:
You know...
...I might be coming down with meningitis. - Ay...
What are the symptoms again?
Swelling of the brain lining.
- I've had it since birth. - Oh...
George, it's just a week, and the kids are at an age...
...where they can almost look after themselves.
Give me that letter or I'm going to kill you!
Hey, hey, hey!
Like it kills a piece of your heart every time you and Jason are apart.
Everybody hates you, you loser!
The way you hate going to sleep...
...because eight hours without Jason makes you weep.
I'm gonna beat you with a bat.
The way you beat Jason...
That's not in here. Aah! Aah!
- Hey, hey! - Okay, that's enough!
All right. Look, I'm tired of you two fighting.
You're not going to the dance Friday. You, say goodbye to the skate park.
- That's not fair. Mom, he stole my letter. - So what? It's just a stupid letter.
She hit me with a bat, Mom!
Hey, don't look at her. She agrees with me.
Yes, I do.
Now, go to your room.
Now.
I do not agree with you. You were too harsh with them.
That dance is important to Carmen, and you don't have to take away the skate park.
Max should just apologize.
That's it?
Look, Angie, we're being way too easy on these kids.
You know what my mom would've done if I'd pulled this crap?
She'd make me sit on my hands until they fell asleep, then she'd slap me with them.
"Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you crying? Wipe your tears."
And I'd be like that:
- Hey, honey. - Hey, Daddy. Who's making dinner?
Well, let's see. Traditionally, if the reigning princess...
...is at a stupid makeup convention...
...the runner-up, that's you, must fulfill her duties.
Here's your crown and your scepter.
Now, cry hysterically and start cooking.
Hey, Max. Those trucks are expensive. You better not be driving it off the table.
Don't worry. I wouldn't do something that stupid.
It works!
I built a ramp up in my room...
...and the carjumped all the way down onto the picnic table.
Isn't that awesome?
Now, what the hell is this?
Look, we don't buy you toys so you can destroy them.
But I'm gonna get more.
Do you know there are kids in the world who don't even have toys?
There are kids who have a lot more toys than me, so it kind of balances out.
Sit on your hands!
What?
Look, never mind. I don't want you wrecking another toy.
And I want you to clean this up, right now.
It came! Oh, my God, it came!
- What's that? - It's my new cell phone...
...with the built-in camera. Ha, ha.
You can't get a cell phone without asking.
Dad, don't worry. The phone is free. I have to call Taylor and tell her my phone came.
I wanna show her how excited I was when I opened it.
Carmen, the plan you signed up for is an extra $20 a month.
And you're locked in for two years.
- That's like $480. - Dad, the phone is free.
You know what? The phone is free because we're sending it back.
No, Daddy, I really want this phone.
It's super cool. Look, press this button, it'll record your own voice.
- No way! - Yes way!
- You really want this phone, don't you? - I do, Daddy.
No way!
Did you clean up the backyard like I told you?
Relax, I'll get it done.
Did I ever tell you you're doing a fine job with these two?
Hey, what are you doing? Get off, I'm downloading a song.
Too late. Here's a new song:
Move your feet, lose your seat.
Get off it. Why are you always...?
Damn it!
What's the matter with you two?
Do you know how much this computer cost?
You have the protection plan, right?
No, I don't have the protection plan.
If I believed in protection plans, neither of you would be here.
Man, you guys are spoiled brats. You take everything for granted.
You don't know how good you have it. You guys wouldn't have made it...
- ...through one week of my childhood. - Please.
They wouldn't last one night at my house.
You know, they would probably start crying...
...the first time they had to drink water out of the tap.
"Oh, it's slightly yellow."
You know what? Let's do it.
It's time I teach you kids a lesson. You're spending the week...
- ...at Grandma Benny's house. - What?
Wait, wait, wait. Wait a second.
Do they have to do whatever I say?
I have complete control?
Yes. Okay, but no hitting.
And you can't make them hit themselves.
You're not serious.
- We did... - Open your mouths.
Open them. Wide.
Okay, I got your dental records.
They're all yours, Mom.
Ripped By mstoll
Welcome to my childhood.
- We've been to Grandma's house before. - You've been to the zoo before...
...but you never spent the night in the gorilla's cage.
All right, let's get a couple of things straight before Koko gets back.
You guys are gonna live this week exactly the way I did when I was a kid.
- So no cell phones. - Oh, my God.
No computer games.
If you cry yourself to sleep, save the tears...
...so you have something to drink in the morning.
Oh, and just remember...
...you have no one but yourselves to blame.
You're horrible, horrible children.
All right.
I use your dad's old room for storage now...
...so you kids are gonna sleep on the pullout couch.
- What time do we have to go to bed? - I don't care.
I got three basic rules.
Don't drink my beer.
Don't touch my smokes.
And don't sneak up on me when I'm sleeping.
I got a gun under my pillow.
And I sleep au naturel.
What are you doing home?
Stupid Kathy and her meningitis. They canceled the conference.
What happened?
She died.
Oh, that's too bad.
So the kids drove you out of the house?
- Um, the kids aren't here, Angie. - Where are they?
Lookit. Listen, before you start...
...let me tell you that Carmen and Max were acting so bad...
...that I thought about sending them to my mom's for the week.
That would have been the dumbest thing you've ever done.
Okay, then this next part is not gonna be easy.
Oh, my God.
You sent them to the house of the woman...
...who's responsible for everything that's wrong with you?
Angie, you weren't here, okay? You didn't see the way they acted.
Nothing the kids could ever do would justify sending them to Benny's.
Hey, it's time to party!
Because Angie is home.
Yay! Let's start the Angie is home party!
Angie's home. Angie's home.
Is this the right day?
Okay. I see what you're doing. You just wanted the kids out of the house...
...so you could hang out with Ernie. - Look, that's not true.
Okay? I'm teaching them something.
So you're teaching.
With a six-pack and a videotape.
- What's the tape, Ernie? - Oh, nothing.
What's the tape?
- Hey, I didn't think you'd be here. - Ernie!
Hey, hey... It's Dorf on Golf.
You know, the little guy.
Like he's got no legs. Ha-ha-ha.
I don't believe you two.
Listen, Angie...
...he puts his legs through a bed or something that's underneath him.
- He's got legs. - Yeah. Basically, you know...
- What are you doing? - I'm calling Benny's...
...to make sure the kids are all right. - Angie, I'm sure they're fine. Come on.
We let my mom babysit here all the time.
Yeah. And the last time she babysat...
...we came home, found her drunk and passed out on the couch.
With a lit cigarette in her hand.
Angie, the kids would have put out the fire.
All right, what's next on Grandma's list?
Do you wanna clean the hair out of the drain...
...or sweep up the dead ants?
Grandma, aren't you gonna answer that?
Eh, it's probably Randy.
Aren't you getting married to him in, like, three months?
Yeah, but when I don't answer, he gets mad.
I like him a little mad.
- Grandma? - Hmm?
We're hungry.
Oh. All right, fine. Here.
Take half.
I don't like mayonnaise.
Eat crap, then.
No one's home.
This is just great.
Look, Angie, you're overreacting.
No, I'm not. The only reason you did this was because I wasn't here to stop you.
This is total betrayal.
You wanna talk about betrayal?
You saw Celine Dion, didn't you?
You knew I wanted to see that show. How could you?
Name one of her songs.
They're all beautiful. Don't make me choose.
How about the one she's like that:
Ah
George.
We always consult each other before we do anything with the kids.
But this time, you parented behind my back.
I would never do that to you.
How do I trust you after this, huh?
All right, Angie, listen.
I got mad.
Okay? I did it in the heat of anger.
I should have called.
Yes, you should have.
Now, I'm gonna keep calling Benny's until someone's home.
Well, we got the house without the kids, and...
The fight's over. Maybe now would be a good time to, you know:
Put up the shelves in Max's room that you've been promising to do for a year?
You sure this isn't just about you wanting to see me in my tool belt?
- You really want me to do this, right? - Uh-huh.
Oh, look.
It's the Angie-saurus.
It nagged all the other dinosaurs to death. That's why they're extinct.
"How do I trust you after this?"
That's what I'm talking about. Yeah!
She's wearing a thong, Angie.
- What are you talking about? - On the back of this poster.
Max made a list of things to blackmail Carmen with.
- "Number one, Carmen failed her math quiz. - Ahh!
Number two, Carmen took $20 out of Mom's purse.
Number three, Carmen wears a thong to school."
George, how do we know Max isn't just making things up?
Remember when I said that Carmen's virginity...
...was hanging on by a thread?
Here's the thread!
George, calm down.
Why should I calm down?
Look, we told her she couldn't wear thongs and she did it behind our backs.
- I'm going to my mom's. - I told you, no one's home.
I'll wait out front. I wanna see the look on her face...
...when I tell her she's grounded for a year. - You can't do that.
Why not?
Because I gave her permission to wear the underwear.
What? When?
After we discussed it.
I told you... You just don't remember. You never listen to me.
Oh, no. Not this time, Angie.
Look, I might not pay attention when you talk about work...
...or family or your feelings.
But you say the word thong...
...the rest of the world melts away.
Look, you're parenting behind my back, and worse, you're lying about it.
L... You can't compare the two.
Wearing a thong at her age isn't a big deal anymore.
Well, it's a big deal to me.
George, I wear thongs.
Angie, when you wear a thong, you're spicing up a 16-year-old marriage.
Carmen wears a thong, she's starting a pep rally...
...in every 16-year-old boy's pants!
This isn't about sex.
It's about panty lines.
You know what? You can be so rigid sometimes.
It's the tree that bends that doesn't break.
Yeah? And is that tree that's bending over wearing a thong?
Because that's the tree all the monkeys are climbing on.
One thing. I did one thing behind your back.
And what about Carmen's new cell phone?
Did you know about that?
The phone is free.
No wonder the kids think they can do what they want.
When I tell them no, you go behind my back and you tell them yes.
Well, I can't help it. The way you were raised...
...your first instinct is to say no and to punish, and that's not always right.
No. Look, we agreed to be a team.
Look, it's us against them, Angie.
If we're not unified, they're gonna walk all over us.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
From now on, we don't go behind each other's backs.
We fight until someone wins.
All right, let's get it on.
- Okay. - Carmen doesn't wear a thong...
...and you take back that phone. - Okay. The phone goes back.
- But Carmen wears a thong when she's 16. - Forty-seven.
Seventeen.
Sixty-six, and it's a retirement thong.
Eighteen. She'd be out of the house, and able to wear whatever she wants.
Fine. If she really moves out when she's 18...
...she can wear plastic wrap and a cracker, for all I care.
You're back early.
Hey, George, do you have any rubber gloves?
Apparently, some of my cleaning products burn the skin.
Benny, where are the kids?
Oh, relax. They're fine.
When I left the house, the boy was rewiring a lamp...
...and the girl was sitting on the couch sobbing.
You know, kid stuff.
All right, let's go get them.
- Oh, hey, Mom, let me ask you something. - Huh?
What do you think about a teenage girl wearing thong underwear?
Well, I used to think it was pretty trashy.
But Randy likes it and...
It's pretty damn comfortable, right?
You're right.
- They're not sexual at all, ahem. - Oh, yeah.
- What's going on? - Sit down.
- Yeah. Sit down. - We made you dinner.
You guys cooked for us?
Mm-hm. We wanted to show how much we appreciate you.
We're sorry for how we acted.
Oh!
Huh.
Seems like maybe these children have learned a lesson.
All right. Maybe a day at your mom's did do them some good.
Angie, everything's perfect.
The kids made us dinner, they learned a lesson...
...and Carmen's not wearing a thong anymore.
VPL.
All right, we made you your favorite, lasagna.
- And Mom's favorite desert, bread pudding. - Oh.
Everything looks delicious, guys.
Whoo. It's a little garlicky.
Eat crap, then.
- You eat crap too. - Ahh!
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