- Hey, baby. - Hey.
- What's all this? - I took on new sales territory. I'm swamped.
Can you take Carmen out for her driving lesson?
You really wanna put a 15-year-old girl behind the wheel of a 4000-pound truck?
Come on, Angie. Carmen still gets startled by her own hoop earrings.
"Who's that? What do you want? Leave me alone!"
She aced the written part of the driving test.
Look, I don't care. I don't think she's ready.
The state does. They gave her a learner's permit.
If I cared about permits, we wouldn't have a second floor on this house.
Mom, Dad, guess what. Jason was just nominated for prom king.
Oh!
I remember when I was nominated for prom queen.
I was a shoo-in until I got that zit two days before the dance.
I withdrew from the competition...
...but still got so many write-in votes, I made runner-up.
In the yearbook, they called me the people's prom queen.
- Glory days, huh, baby? - Yeah.
Oh, before Jason takes off, can you guys sign this?
Allendale started this whole campaign about prom this year.
- It's "Prom-ise to be safe." - Oh.
They came up with contracts where students promise...
...to practice abstinence and sobriety on prom night.
We've already signed it, and we'd like you to sign it too.
What's the penalty if you break the contract?
Well, it's a matter of honor.
"Honor"...
They're trying to be responsible.
All right, fine. I'll sign it.
I just need to add one little thing.
"If Jason McNamara, henceforth referred to as the accused...
...violates this contract or...
...my daughter...
...I, George Lopez, henceforth referred to as the castrator...
...will knowingly, willfully and thoroughly beat you down."
I just need you to initial right there where it says "beat you down."
Give me that.
Wouldn't it be great if every student signed a contract?
Yeah, but since they won't...
...there's gonna be a lot of drunk drivers that night.
You know what would be smart?
We should rent a hotel room with a bunch of our friends.
After prom, we can hang out until it's safe.
Isn't it great? It's just, like, coming to me now.
I got a better idea.
How about you don't go to the hotel...
...you're home by midnight, or you're grounded for a year?
- Yeah. - Isn't that great?
Oh, my God, it's all just coming to me now. Oh, God.
But, Dad, we promised nothing would happen, and we even signed the contract.
That was good enough for the other parents.
We don't care about other parents. You're not staying in a hotel.
Well, Jason and I are alone all the time.
If we wanted to have sex, we would've done it already. He has a van.
We could've done it right before we came here.
- Maybe we did. - Carmen.
"Beat down" clause.
You're 15 years old, and you're a sophomore, okay?
You're lucky we're letting you go. I didn't go to my prom.
That's because you were way out of your league.
You were a five, chato.
And you were asking out eights and nines.
Come on, you gotta aim lower.
Six. Ten.
- I'll see you later, Carmen. - Bye, Jason.
Mr. Lopez, you're not a five.
You're a nine.
You're not staying in a hotel.
Later, four.
- I'm ready, Grandma. - Oh, okay.
I'm taking Max to the arcade at the mall.
Oh, can I have a ride? I wanna start looking for prom dresses.
Unless I'm too young to wear a dress and I should go in a onesie.
You'd like that, wouldn't you? Snaps at the crotch. I don't think so.
How late were you out on prom night?
Oh, I think I crawled home about 5 or 6 in the morning.
Did you hear that, Dad?
Mom, tell her what you were doing.
I worked a double shift at the factory, then I went to Thirsty's...
...and then I went home to breast-feed your father.
You never breast-fed me.
I wonder who that was.
Thanks for letting me drive home, Grandma.
Hey, it's a win-win.
You get to practice driving, and I get to eat.
Aah.
Grandma, is that a beer?
Just keep your eyes on the road, princess.
You're drinking a beer and she's driving?
Why don't you just give me a pair of scissors, and I can run around back here?
Shut up and put your seat belt on.
I can't. The buckle's gone.
Then put something heavy in your lap.
- Why are you slowing down? - Because we just passed a police car.
Okay, be cool.
Maybe he didn't see the beer.
All right, there's only one thing to do.
Undo your top button and start crying.
Okay.
Ripped By mstoll
Afternoon.
Are you George Lopez?
No, officer, I'm Jim Williams.
My wife and I just moved here from Salt Lake. I sell lumber.
Are these your children?
- No, my wife, Debbie, is barren. - Wha...?
Carmen, Max, are you okay? Officer, what happened?
This one was driving, this one wasn't wearing a seat belt...
...and this one had an expired registration and an open beer in the car.
I don't wanna tell you how to do your job, but shouldn't that one be cuffed?
I'm gonna release the minors into your custody.
- But you've got a date in court. - Oh, good job, officer.
You stopped a little old lady from sipping a beer.
You know, why don't you go to a crack house...
...and make sure they're rewinding their videos?
It's gonna be a pleasure testifying against you, ma'am.
- You know what? - Mom.
What were you thinking?
Where is your judgment? How could you drink with a 15-year-old behind the wheel?
Come on, I was choking on a french fry and there was nothing else to drink.
It was just one sip.
George, come on, you of all people know that I can drink a beer and watch a kid.
What? You never watched me.
Neighbors had to pitch in to build a fence to keep me from crawling in the street.
Carmen, we never gave you permission to drive with Benny.
I know that. But I've got my permit and I wanna get my license in six months.
Someone's gotta teach me how to drive. You never have the time.
Honey, I would love to do it, but work is really busy for me right now.
Can you take her out this week?
- I don't... I don't know. - Oh, please, Daddy? Please?
Come on, honey.
You are the best driver in the family.
I know I'm the best.
- All right, I'll do it. - Ee!
Have Jason drop you off on Friday after work.
Thank you so much!
I'm getting my license
I'm gonna be driving
Okay, if you had done that when the cop pulled us over...
...I would still have my car.
Listen up, everybody.
As you know, this afternoon my mother had a court date.
The judge wanted to teach her a lesson.
So he sentenced her to public humiliation.
Now, I don't want anyone to be scared by what I'm about to say.
Mom, take it off.
"Ask me how I endangered my grandchildren's lives."
Turn around so I can see the answer.
Bend over. I'll give it to you.
Now, if anyone sees my mother without this sign...
...report it to me...
...because she could go to jail.
None of us want that, right?
- Daddy, I'm ready for my driving lesson. - Oh, okay.
Oh, I just got one thing to take care of, Carmen.
I'm going driving with Carmen.
I love you, man. Don't forget me.
I won't.
And you got my word.
I'm gonna wait at least one year till I ask Angie out.
Okay, turn the car on.
Okay, make sure the emergency brake is off and check your mirrors.
Mm. I can't see out my side mirror.
There's an obstruction about two times the size of a normal human head.
Thank you.
Okay, check for traffic...
...use your signal...
...and ease onto the road.
- Should I go the usual way home? - No, I wanna go down Van Nuys...
...across Magnolia, then up Reseda.
Cool, we're taking the major streets. I can practice passing.
No. That way, we pass three hospitals and a church, in case I need last rites.
Man, I can't wait until I get my license.
Then I can drive myself over to Jason's and to the mall and school and work.
I won't need you for any of that anymore.
That's assuming you pass your driver's test.
I'm passing that test.
It's my ticket to freedom...
...to get out of that house, go somewhere where I'm not being watched over...
...by two cannibals of the human spirit.
I mean, you know, thanks for everything.
- You're getting too close to that car. - I was gonna pass him.
- Should have signaled a hundred feet ago. - I'll signal now.
- What are you doing? - Checked my mirrors, signaled.
- You didn't check your blind spot. - Where?
- You can't see it. - Okay.
Would you stop yelling? You're making me all nervous.
- You're going over a double yellow line. - Okay. Stop it. Just please stop it.
- Pay attention or you're going to kill us. - I don't wanna do this.
- Then pull over. - Okay.
- Watch out! - Aah!
- Oh, my God. - Baby, are you all right?
- I think so. - Not you. My truck.
Baby, talk to Daddy. I'll get you some help.
Whatever he says, it wasn't my fault.
What happened? Did you hit something?
Do we need to wash the car or bury anything?
What am I saying? You were here all night. We played charades.
You got stuck on Star Wars and we all laughed.
Carmen wasn't paying attention.
She cut across two lanes of traffic and went up a curb.
Hey, I was paying attention.
You kept yelling at me and making me nervous.
Am I making you nervous now?
I know you're only staying with him for the kids...
...but we don't want him anymore.
What happened out there?
Angie, she can't focus.
She's a horrible driver.
I took her out driving last Saturday, and she was just fine.
Were you focusing or puckering and glossing?
Because I've seen you drive like that:
- Do you want a talk or a fight? - I don't care. I'll fight.
Because you know what? I just cheated death. I feel alive.
But if you wanna talk, that's okay too.
Yelling is not gonna make her a better driver.
Angie, I have to yell at her.
Do you know how dangerous it is out there?
She's too cocky. She thinks she knows it all.
She thinks she's gonna be able to drive to school and to Jason's house.
I think she can handle that.
Not if she won't listen.
She's too emotional.
I say one little thing, it's, "I hate you," stomp, stomp, slam.
"You're the worst dad ever," stomp, stomp, slam.
"Nobody cares about my feelings," stomp, trip, fall.
Maybe the problem's not her, it's you.
You're being too impatient.
- I'm not impatient. - Oy.
You know what? This is not gonna work.
I'll just teach Carmen because you don't have the patience.
Wait... How did this turn against me?
Angie, I got patience, okay? I got more patience than anybody.
Test me.
You can test me now or you can test me later.
Because I got...
...patience.
Okay. Then start fresh with Carmen tomorrow and don't yell at her.
I bet you can't do it.
I can do it, huh?
I'll teach her to drive. I don't care if it takes 30 years...
...because you know what? I got...
...patience.
If you're that patient, now would be a good opportunity...
...to tell you about my day.
Unless you wanna watch the Laker game.
I would love to hear about your day, darling.
Okay.
Well, my sales partner, Nicole, is having problems with her boyfriend, Mark.
And I think she's just stuck in the same old self-destructive pattern...
...we were talking about over lunch on Wednesday.
But every time I point it out to her, she gets mad at me.
So who does she call in the middle of the night...
...after the two of them have a fight?
I tell her, "You know what you need to do? Stop...
...with Allen, okay?"
I know he's cute and he's got a good car, but that breath...
I'll teach her to drive!
Don't torture me, woman.
Why are you picking me up from school?
Listen.
I know you're upset because you hit something yesterday.
But your mom and I discussed it, and today I'm gonna be patient.
I don't wanna talk. I just wanna drive.
Okay, a little fast for a school zone.
- So how was your day? - I told you, I don't wanna talk.
- What's going on? - Not like you're gonna care...
...but Jason dumped me.
Oh, baby, I'm sorry. Stop sign.
Look, I'm not upset, but the guy with the cane sure was, huh?
Pull over. We'll do this tomorrow.
He's taking his ex-girlfriend, Cindy, to the prom.
- Okay, stay on our side of the road. - I'm passing.
Okay, now you've passed. Now pull back over.
Isn't it funny the way oncoming drivers...
...trust you to pull back into your lane on time?
How can you trust strangers when you can't trust your boyfriend?
Okay, I don't wanna yell, but not ready to die.
Okay, pull over now!
Okay, stop the car.
You said you wouldn't yell at me.
Are you insane? Driving like a crazy woman.
I had time to get over. I was mad.
Why? Because some guy you break up with every week is taking another girl to the prom?
Dad, he's been cheating on me for a month.
God, I feel like such an idiot.
Then kill him, not us.
Look, Carmen, Jason's a punk.
He just lost the best thing that's ever gonna happen to him.
Yeah. Cindy Leschin is 18...
...she looks like Jessica Simpson, and she does everything.
If he wants to trade a good person for a good time...
...that's just his... - Shut up, Dad.
You don't have to do everything to keep a boy.
You don't have to do anything. You don't even need a boy.
You don't even have to get married.
You can stay at home and you can play with dolls until we all die.
Doesn't that sound good?
What are you talking about?
You're growing up too fast.
You wanna drive.
You wanna stay in hotel rooms.
Look, you're 15. I mean, what are you gonna do when you're 16?
Get a face-lift and shack up with a fifth grader to feel young again?
I just got my heart broken...
...and you're worried about keeping me from growing up?
Yes.
Maybe that's why I yell at you.
I mean, you're in a hurry to get out...
...and I'm not ready to let you leave. - Please. You can't wait to get rid of me.
- You think so? - Yeah.
Look at this.
Why am I looking at a calendar?
You see what I have marked?
That's my 18th birthday.
I circled it because that's gonna be the worst day of my life.
Oh, Daddy.
Why did you draw a potato next to it?
That's a boot. I was mad at you one day and I was gonna kick your ass out.
- I'm sorry I was acting so crazy. - What are you doing? You're not driving.
Dad, you can start treating me like an adult and let me drive home...
...or you can pretend I'm still a baby and take away the keys.
Get in your booster seat.
Oh, come on, Dad.
After what you did? You're a baby until I say you're an adult.
- Ugh, I hate you. - Stomp, stomp, slam.
- What? - Nothing. I got... Ahem.
Hey.
How'd the driving with Carmen go?
She tried to kill them.
What?
She's mad because Jason dumped her.
He's been cheating on her with Cindy Leschin.
The girl who does everything?
Word is, she does everything.
Mrs. Lopez, Mr. Lopez.
What the hell are you doing here?
I'll tell you what he's doing here.
He does this every time he breaks up with Carmen.
He changed his mind, he thinks a little apology is gonna win my baby back.
One of these days your charm's gonna wear off.
And what will you have then, huh?
Just your looks, your brains and your money.
Look, I just came over because Carmen called me.
She wants me to pick up my stuff.
Carmen, the cheater's here!
So, uh, is Cindy in the car?
Get...
Hello, Jason.
I've never seen that outfit before.
I got your stuff.
I've never seen that outfit before.
Listen...
...I just want you to know...
...that if it doesn't work out with Cindy...
...and you wanna call me...
...don't.
Now that you know what you're losing, go to hell.
God, that felt good!
It should.
You finally stood up for yourself.
Yeah, Carmen, we're really proud of you, honey.
Now, I never wanna see you dressed like a hooker again.
Now, you go upstairs and put that outfit back in your mom's closet.
- Hey. - Hey, honey. How was your day?
Do you really wanna know?
Absolutely.
Oh. It was crazy.
But you have to hear this.
Guess who's back with her boyfriend? Nicole.
Didn't I tell you that was gonna happen?
Mm-hm.
Anyway. We had lunch together.
We're talking about the new La Marie summer line...
Everything is hideous...
Ripped By mstoll