MAN: Standby two. Mix through. Cue on two.
GEORGE ALAGIAH: The BBC has announced the appointment
of ex-head of Olympic Deliverance,
Ian Fletcher, as it's new Head of Values.
WOMAN: Time now for shipping forecast.
MAN: Superimpose
Ripped By mstoll
I mean, obviously a royal visit at any time would be a big thing for us,
but coming now...
NARRATOR: It's Monday at the BBC's Central London headquarters,
New Broadcasting House in Central London.
And Head of Values, Ian Fletcher,
is chairing an important meeting of the Way Ahead Taskforce.
The point is, the relation between the BBC and the royal family
is a very delicate and important issue in all kinds of ways,
but in the context of charter renewal in 2016,
and let's face it, this is a royal charter
we're talking about renewing, here.
- Yay. - Suddenly an occasion like this
starts to look like a really significant opportunity for us, you know, to...
Yeah, basically, it's a huge opportunity to not fuck it up.
- Well, I mean... - Yes. Yes.
- Cool. - Yes, Brilliant.
NARRATOR: In his role as patron and future heir to the environment,
Prince Charles is due to visit New Broadcasting House
to present an award for the BBC as the world's first-zero energy broadcaster.
Can I just say, Ian, that we have been in regular contact
with the comms people at Clarence House.
Right. Well, this is good because it's important to get the fine detail
of this thing right, right from the start.
Apparently, the key thing is,
whatever you do, you absolutely must not touch him.
- No. Sure. - Yes.
Unless he touches you first.
- The fact is, that's true. - No. Sure. I'm totally good with that.
Right. Good.
Also, we have to lock down a special toilet,
for three days in advance before he actually arrives.
- Right. - Christ.
I was thinking more... I mean, that's very fine detail.
Yes, it is exactly, Ian.
Also, something else that came up...
- He doesn't do sweetcorn at all. - Right.
- No. - Cool.
Brilliant.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, downstairs, intern Will Humphries is arriving as usual.
Keen to get into the building and begin some sort of day.
- Oh, yeah, hi. - Can I help?
Yeah. So, my pass doesn't work.
- Okay. - Yeah, I dunno.
It's like it's not working.
Okay. Let me try.
(BEEPING)
Oh, okay.
Yeah. 'Cause I've got like, a coffee for Ian Fletcher.
Okay. You will have to sign in.
Yeah, but I work here.
- You work here? - I'm kind of like an intern.
Okay, but your pass doesn't work so you will have to sign in.
(MOBILE PHONE VIBRATING)
Hi, Will.
Oh, yeah. Hi, Izzy. Hi.
IZZY: How are you?
Yeah, I'm good. Yeah, I'm good.
Good.
Yeah. So like, I'm in reception but, like, my pass isn't working.
Okay.
I'm supposed to sign in but it's like I have to be visiting someone?
- Right. Yes. - Yes.
So like, would it be okay if I visited you?
IZZY: Er, yeah. Sure. Okay.
Okay. Cool. 'Cause I've got like, a coffee for Ian Fletcher.
I think I have to come down and get you though.
Yeah, I know, yeah. Crap.
Okay. Stay there and I'll come down in a minute.
Okay, cool. Yeah, I'll stay here.
- Okay. - Okay, cool.
I mean, I am quite busy at the moment, David.
- Oh, I know. - I've got quite a lot on.
No. Tell me about it.
NARRATOR: After a more than usually complicated start
to the day with her daughter at home,
Senior Producer, Lucy Freeman has arrived
with just enough time to snatch a quick breakfast on her own.
But nevertheless,
Entertainment Format Executive David Wilkes,
is keen to ask her advice about an idea he's been asked to have.
What was the remit she gave you?
- The remit? - Yeah.
No, sorry you lost me already there, Lucy.
Following a mixed reception for Britain's Top Village,
with Gary Lineker and Holly Willoughby last year,
he's been invited to come up with something even better than that
by head of output, Anna Rampton.
I don't know what it is.
Whether she's done something to her hair. Do you know what I mean?
- Mmm. - I can't quite put my finger on it.
So what ideas have you got so far?
Okay. So the direction I'm going in, like, the way my mind is working,
is I was thinking maybe something like, Uptown-Downtown.
What?
I'm still working on the title, obviously.
- Yes. - So basically celebrities
have like, a town. Okay.
So maybe Myleene Klass was born in...
Well, I don't know. She must have come from somewhere.
- Yes. - And they compete against each other.
And have like judges, like Kirstie Allsopp
to convince you, that theirs is the best town in Britain.
Right, okay.
So, almost it's slightly like Britain's Top Village, then.
Okay. So with Town it's like, what you've done is,
you take a village, okay, and what you've done is,
- you've gone up a gear straight away. - Right.
- Any others? - What? Any other ideas?
Just in case that one doesn't fly. Yes.
Oh, look. You're so healthy, Lucy.
Do you know what? Excuse me.
I'm putting this back.
Going for fruit salad instead.
Do you know what? I'm gonna have both. Sorry. I think I'll have both.
Honestly, what am I like?
And then finally, the other thing I just wanted to touch on this morning
is this issue around Wimbledon that's come up.
- Ah, okay. - Yeah. Bollocks.
- Brilliant. - Brilliant.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back up in Frankie Howerd,
Ian is literally setting the agenda in the Way Ahead meeting.
Can I just say, I was actually going to raise this
- in Damage Limitation, Ian. - Right.
It doesn't matter what meeting it is. It's the BBC.
It's damage limitation, okay?
- Well, I mean... - It just saves time.
In the past few weeks, there have been rumours
that the BBC could be in danger of losing its exclusive contract
to broadcast the Wimbledon tennis championships to a rival broadcaster.
In this case... (BLEEP)
The fact is I've made my views clear on this. Cannot happen, okay?
- Well, exactly. - Absolutely cannot happen.
I mean, for Christ's sake. I'm sorry but here we go, we're panicking already.
This is just a bit of...
I mean, I don't even know where this story came from, for a start.
Well, I can't speak for anyone else, Neil, but I got it from BBC News.
- Yeah. Okay. - Yes, me too, Neil. Yes.
- Yes. - Right. Fuck.
The BBC has broadcast Wimbledon in one form or another
unremittingly for over 90 years.
If it was to lose it now, it would be a major blow to its very BBC-ness.
Worse still...
The ensuing debate has thrown up suggestions in some quarters
that it's coverage of the championships is, in certain respects,
too white.
Guys, I don't want to be dramatic about this.
And I mean, we all love Sue Barker,
but I gotta say, we are looking at a situation here and not in a good way.
- Brilliant. - Brilliant.
- I mean... - Too white?
- Bummer. - I don't think it's about
Sue Barker, specifically.
Apart from anything else it's factually inaccurate.
The fact is, Sue Barker was originally blonde.
Right. Yes.
As I say, I don't...
Yes, Will, come in.
No. Come in. Come in. Come in.
- Thanks, Will. That's great. - Yeah, hi. Sorry.
Er, no. That's great. Thanks.
Er, we missed each other earlier.
Yeah, I know. It's like my pass isn't working.
Oh, bad luck.
Yeah. Crap.
Right, well...
Yeah. So Izzy came down to get me.
- All right. Did she? - WILL: Yeah.
- Oh, well, that's nice. - Yeah.
- Okay. Well, thanks anyway, Will. - Yeah. No worries. Yeah, cool.
Right. Good.
Yes. No. I mean, I think we are in danger of being drawn into detail
too early again here.
I mean, Wimbledon is obviously a cornerstone of the...
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Here's the thing with us.
Erm, it's a no brainer. What it is, is... Okay, so now,
we've got two things, okay?
Erm, we've got like, Wimbledon, which is like tennis, okay.
And we've got BBC which is like, erm, I don't know, erm...
Sue Parker.
- Sue Barker. - Sure.
And what you want is...
Erm, you want one thing.
- One thing. - Sure.
So what you're looking at here is a brand mashup.
- Right. - All right. Here we go.
- A brand mashup? - Sure.
You want to say more about how that could work?
- Well, er... - No. Sure.
- Really? - Er, so it's like, I don't know.
It's like... Okay. Okay. Okay.
Okay. So it's like, I say, erm...
Like the word "peanut", okay?
- What are you thinking? - Peanut?
No. I said that. That's the word I just said.
- Yes. No, I... - What are you thinking?
Okay. I'll say it again. But don't think.
Just say stuff.
Peanut.
- Monkey. - Yes. Very good.
- Butter. - Butter?
Peanut butter. Okay?
- Brilliant. - Duh.
Well, I'm sorry, Siobhan, but I think of monkey.
Okay. There's no such thing as peanut monkey.
- Okay. - What?
I mean. That's like... I don't even know where to start.
So like, peanut and butter. Two things.
Peanut butter, one thing.
- Yes. - Yes. No. Very strong.
BBC and Wimbledon, two things.
Bee-bee-swimbledon, one thing.
Yes, no. I think we've got that.
No. Sure. It's like what not to get.
And this is an area where you could have some ideas.
- Well, hang on. - Where we could have ideas.
- Yes. - Like there are areas we don't.
- Right. - Okay, good.
Shall we just have a think about exactly how we want to play this?
The fact is, this is important.
- Yes. - I've already made that clear.
Yes. No. Brilliant.
But Siobhan, I don't want to spoil this party we're all having now
but you can actually have other kinds of butter.
- Excuse me? - I don't believe this.
You can have like, brandy butter or just ordinary butter.
It doesn't have to be peanut.
There's no such thing as monkey butter? Okay.
- What? - Brilliant.
- Get over it. - Brilliant.
Very strong.
But sometimes... I mean, it's her hair obviously.
But sometimes she has it done really straight.
And to be honest, I just don't think it does her any favours.
- Mmm. - Do you know what I mean, though?
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, down in the Syncopata Cafe,
it's becoming increasingly clear to Lucy
that she's having breakfast with David.
So why the sudden urgency from Anna all of sudden, anyway?
Mmm, I know.
But you know what, Lucy?
I think it's to do with this new job.
- What new job? - Okay.
Well, apparently, no one's supposed to know anything yet.
But they created this new like, Director of Better or...
- Director of Better? - Apparently, yeah.
Better what?
I mean basically, I think what it is, is...
- Yeah, you know what? I don't care. - No, okay.
Anyway, all it is, is she needs something really good
to have up her sleeve if she applies.
Right. So all you need to do now, is think of something really good.
Oh, I know. Tell me about it.
- I mean. This is so not my area, David. - Oh, I know.
- But if you want my honest opinion... - Yes please, Lucy. I do.
I'd be tempted to go in a different direction altogether, I think.
- All right. - If I was you.
Maybe surprise her with something original.
Okay.
That's interesting.
That's brilliant, Lucy. That's really great.
Thank you.
So when you say, different direction, Lucy?
- As I say, I'm really... - No, no.
Just an example of what you mean, I mean.
I mean, I don't know if all the celebrities in the world
swapped pets with each other for a week or...
- Oh, my God. - I mean, not that, obviously.
Kylie has a Rhodesian Ridgeback.
- Yes. Well, that's... - And then it's like,
"Will they miss their old pets?
"Or will they fall in love with the new one?"
- No, David... - Do you think a week would be enough?
SIOBHAN: Okay. So,
how it works is, you guys go either end
and I'm like an umpire or judge or whatever.
- Cool. - Groovy.
NARRATOR: Over at Perfect Curve, it's a different day
and Siobhan is preparing her creative team to play mashup tennis.
So, then you guys have like, ideas.
Okay. So like you have an idea.
- Yeah. So like... - So... No, shut up.
- It's still me. - Yep.
- So you, like, hit the idea ball... - Cool.
...and if your idea isn't better than your idea,
- then you lose the point. Okay? - Okay.
- Okay. Cool. - Yeah.
With other broadcasters such as (BLEEP),
making moves to poach the iconic event from the BBC,
leaving it with no live sports that people understand,
their mission is to both mashup and pimp the BBC Wimbledon brand,
at the same time. Which isn't easy.
SIOBHAN: It's like serious shit.
But that doesn't mean they can't have fun.
Doesn't mean we can't have fun here. Right?
Okay. You serve.
Sure. Whatever. Go.
- Okay. - Now, hang on. What's going on?
Okay, no. That's too slow. You're out.
No but it's like singles. Otherwise, it doesn't work.
Yeah, singles. Yeah, whatever. Go.
- Okay. - So I could be like down the other end.
(SIOBHAN SIGHS)
- No. - Yeah?
How's that gonna help?
He could be like ball boy.
Yeah, cool. Yeah, ball boy. Yeah, cool.
- Okay? - Yeah.
Okay. Right. Ready?
- Yep. - Go.
So, you have BBC newsreaders or like,
David thingy...
Actually umpiring the matches.
- Cool. - Shit.
- David who? - This is good.
Old guy, grey hair. Does, er, like political stuff with politicians.
- Attenborough. - Yeah, David Attenborough.
- Yeah, cool. Yeah. - Okay. Cool idea, Barney.
15-Love.
- Coco, your... - Fault.
- Excuse me? - What?
Yeah. Because what if David Attenborough
doesn't know the rules of tennis? Or, like, how to score?
In this idea, he does know the rules.
Well, he might not. It's not as easy as it looks.
- You're a ball boy, okay? - Yeah.
Okay, cool.
So I could be like, net call judge.
- What? - Okay.
- 30-15. Coco. - Okay, so...
With like, the finger, it's pretty cool.
Yeah. So with the umpires, like, with David Attenborough or maybe like...
- Alan Sugar. - Yeah, cool. Yeah. Alan Sugar. Yeah.
Like so now, all they do is, like, say the score,
but they could be more like, judges.
- Cool. - So like at the end of the rally,
they'll be like, "15-Love. Nice footwork."
Yeah, yeah. Cool. Or if it's just out, they're like...
- "Love-15. Cool shot but no cigar." - Yeah. Cool. Yeah.
Okay. I love this. This is epic, okay.
So, erm like, 30-all. Whatever.
- Barney. - Okay.
So we have Graham Norton up in the player's box.
- Excuse me? - Cool.
Yeah. So he's, like, up there with, like, the players' girlfriends.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- No way. - Yeah.
'Cause when like, the players swap ends and sit down,
normally, that's when you'd go to adverts,
but with the BBC, they don't have adverts.
- Bummer. - Yeah.
So instead, you just got two guys like, sitting there, like, eating bananas.
Well, sometimes it's like, they take their shirts off.
- Yeah, but... - Yeah, sometimes.
But with Graham up there, with like, Andy Murray's girlfriend...
- Kim. - Yeah, Kim. Yeah.
- We love Kim. She's gorgeous. - Yeah.
- And... - Big sunglasses.
Yeah. And Graham's like, "How are you feeling?"
Or, "Oh, my God, we're so loving that dress, Kim".
God, I love this.
This is just, like, the best thing ever. Okay. Erm, 30-40.
No. It's...
Okay, okay. 40-30. 30. 40-deuce. Whatever. Go!
Hi, Izzy.
- IZZY: Hi. - Have you got a moment?
NARRATOR: Back at New Broadcasting House,
Ian has had an issue on his mind.
And it hasn't gone away.
I don't want to disturb you. I know you're busy enough.
- That's okay. - But I wonder if it would be possible...
Will's pass isn't working for some reason.
Yes. I know.
Oh, yes. Thanks for letting him in again today, by the way.
- I had quick look on Syncopatico. - Yes.
- But as usual, I couldn't make... - No...
It kept telling me I wasn't discoverable
or my network settings were in conflict with, you know, my... God knows.
- Yes. - So, basically, I fell at
- the first hurdle. - Yes, no. I had a look earlier, too.
Oh, right. And?
His pass has actually run out.
- Well, I mean, that's the... - No. I mean, it's...
What?
I think Will's internship has expired.
- Oh, god. - I know.
- No. - Yeah.
- I haven't said anything to him. - No, no. Of course.
- I don't know what to say. - I mean, are you sure?
So, the standard period, is normally, like, eight weeks.
- Eight weeks! - I know.
But I mean, that's... How long...
- Eleven months. - Eleven months?
Yeah.
Well... How can that happen?
I don't think anyone's noticed.
- No. - No. Okay.
Well, at least that's something positive, I suppose.
- Yes. - Yeah.
Okay. So, like, on court you have like, BBC theme tunes
for both players.
Okay. So, I don't get that.
- Yeah, okay. - I don't get it.
Yeah. So like, say Andy Murray is gonna play Novak Djokovic, okay?
Okay. So, I don't even know what that is.
He's like world number one or something.
- Okay. Sure. Whatever. - Yeah, but like, at tennis.
Yeah. So like, Novak, he'll be like Doctor Who.
- Because he's like, a bit... - Sure. Whatever.
Yeah. He's kind of like an alien.
- Yeah. But... - Yeah. Like his hair...
Yeah, but Andy, he'd be like Strictly.
We love Strictly.
Yeah. So like, if Novak wins a rally,
and then it's like... (SINGS DOCTOR WHO THEME)
(ALL SINGING)
- Okay. No. I get that. - Yeah,
but then like the whole crowd joins in.
- So it's like... - (ALL SINGING DOCTOR WHO THEME)
I still get it. Do Strictly.
And then if Andy wins a rally,
- then it's like... Ho! (SINGING STRICTLY THEME)
Holy shit.
'Cause then it's like, suddenly it's like party time.
Do it again.
- Ho! - (ALL SINGING STRICTLY THEME)
Somebody tie this girl down.
- Yeah. It's like... - Ho!
(ALL SINGING STRICTLY THEME)
Good job, guys. We did good here.
We totally nailed this coyote.
It's like... Ho!
We just BBC'd Wimbledon.
- Well played. Good match. - Cool.
(WEAKLY) Ho!
NARRATOR: Back over at New Broadcasting House,
it's a completely different day.
And as Ian arrives for work,
the first issue of the morning presents itself
even before he's made it inside the building.
Oh. Hi, Will.
Yeah. Hey, there. Cool. There you go.
All right. Thanks. I mean, that's really good of you, Will.
- No worries. - No, I mean, really.
I'm perfectly capable. I should get used to
carrying my own bike and getting my own coffee.
- Yeah, no. No worries. That's cool. - No. But...
- It's like a system. - Right. Yes.
- Yes. So my pass still isn't working? - Right. No...
I asked Simon Harwood when he came through, if I can visit him,
but he said it's probably better if I visit you.
All right. Yes. Did he?
Yeah. I prefer visiting you, anyway. It's better.
I mean, we really need to sort this out at some point.
- Yeah, I know. Crap. - Yes.
Yeah. With the pass, I was thinking, maybe it's, like, the photo's, like,
just too weird.
I mean, someone's going to have to tell him, aren't they?
- Yes. - Yes.
- I'll tell him. - This is awful.
- I know. - I'll tell him. Really, I don't mind.
I don't think there is like, a formal system,
but he seems to be closest to you.
- Well, that's... - Yeah. Like you've adopted him.
- Me? - Well, or Will's adopted you.
I mean, maybe if his pass just keeps not working,
I suppose, there's a chance he might just
work it out for himself, eventually.
Yes.
Right. Okay. No. Great.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, producer Lucy Freeman
is with potentially new writer, Dan Shepherd.
After working towards developing a new drama,
Home Truth, with him for over two years,
the project is finally nearing another meeting.
I have to say, I don't know what Matt's going to say.
- Right. - And he asked for the meeting.
- Yeah. - So, I mean, I'm always cautious.
But after everything... Everything you've been through,
You have to think, what else can it be but something good.
Yeah. So, do you like, actually work in this place every day?
Yes, I do. Yes.
- Right. Okay. - Every day.
- Dan. - Hi.
- You remember Matt. - How are you?
Yeah. Good, yeah.
Thank you so much for coming all the way down.
- How's Whitby? - Wetherby.
Wetherby. Yes. Wetherby. Of course.
- Yeah. No, it's okay. Thanks. - Great.
- Still pretty much the same. Yeah. - Great. Have a seat or something.
Yeah. Oh.
NARRATOR: Generic Head of Comedy and or Drama, Matt Taverner,
has asked to meet Lucy and Dan,
to talk about what happens next with Home Truth.
A love story set and told very much in the context
of the Yorkshire seaside town of Scarborough.
I mean, first of all...
I love what you've done with these scripts.
- Oh, right. - They're great, aren't they?
I just think the characters are really solid now.
- Yeah. - Especially, I mean, the main character.
- I just... - Sarah.
I love that she's...
A woman. I love that she's, you know, she's strong,
really feel like I know who,
er, Sarah is now.
Yeah. I haven't really done anything to her.
No. Well, maybe not,
but the way she reads now in the architecture of the whole...
- Oh, right. - So the work you've done
- around her, as a protagonist. - Yeah.
I mean, look, what I'm basically saying is...
- Congratulations. - Oh, right. Okay.
- Yes. See. - Thanks.
So I guess, a part of my job is... I think a lot at the moment about
what is a BBC story, today.
- All right. - Do you?
And also about, who do we wanna be telling stories about.
And who do we want to tell them to.
- Right. - Right.
I don't know. Who?
I don't know, I may be wrong about this,
but is there just something about Scarborough,
as a place, as a precinct, if you like.
Is it a bit, I don't know, maybe a bit...
- One-dimensional in some ways. - Yeah.
- One-dimensional? - Mmm.
- Yeah. It is. - What do you mean by...
What do you mean, one... What do you mean, Matt?
Well, I guess I mean culturally, really.
Is it all just a bit the same.
- Yeah. No, definitely. - Well...
'Cause I mean, that's sort of, like, the point.
Yeah. No. Sure, that's great, Dan. That's brilliant...
I mean. Okay. Would it help us at all here, if...
I'm just throwing this out there.
Would it help us if we thought about reimagining it somewhere,
a bit more like, I don't know, Leicester?
- Leicester? - Oh, right.
You know, or Wolverhampton or I don't know.
Maybe even somewhere like Walthamstow, perhaps or...
- Yeah. - Walthamstow?
Would, would that make it culturally richer?
And if so, would that be a good thing?
No, but, Matt, but that's Walthamstow.
I mean, that's the polar opposite of Scarborough.
- No. Sure. - You might as well just start again.
No, no, no. This has such potential, Dan. We all feel the same about that.
I guess my job is just to ask the question, could it be even better?
Okay. Right.
And if it could, I guess what I'm asking Dan just to think about is,
is there something we might all gain from that?
- Yeah. - That's what I'm thinking about here.
- Yes. - Great.
I'm sorry. I've got this wrong. I thought he'd apologised already.
- Yes. - Oh, he has, Neil. He has.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, it's Thursday
and time for the Thursday Damage Limitation meeting.
Since the making of this documentary, certain events have happened.
As a result of which, for technical reasons,
we are unable to mention certain individuals by name.
The fact is, he's issued a formal apology on Twitter.
Yeah, okay. So...
He says he never had anything at all against tossers,
- he's worked with them all his life. - Yes.
Yes. No. Very good. I mean, Tracey,
do we know what the legal situation is on this?
Okay. I have spoken to them quite extensively.
Traditionally, the first item on the agenda
is the Jeremy (BLEEP) item.
An today is no exception.
And what they're saying is, over the last four series of the show,
if his use of the word comes to less than once an hour of broadcast time,
or to put it more clearly,
0.5 times, every half hour...
This week, there have been complaints
about his use of the word "tosser"
in the BBC2 hit sitcom, Top Gear.
...whereas if his use of the word is above that figure,
- it counts as detrimental. - Okay.
- Oh... - In which case, I don't know what.
I mean, this is, this is... (LAUGHS)
So not my area or thingy.
I don't know how the whole (BLEEP) thing works.
The fact is, we need to be better at this sort of thing.
Yes. Very good.
- Right. - Yes.
I mean, leaving aside the issue of whose responsibility this actually is
- for a moment. - I've already said what I think.
Well, surely the first thing is to establish
the answer to the frequency of use question.
- Brilliant. - Because that might
- just clarify the whole thing. - Right. Okay. Fine.
- Brilliant. - Good-o.
Hang on. Wait a minute.
So someone's gonna have to watch four years' worth of Top Gear back to back?
- Well, I mean... - Yes.
- Jesus. - Exactly. Neil. Yes.
Gonna go bloody mad.
- The fact is, it's basically Dave. - Yeah. They're gonna go bloody mad.
Okay. All righty.
Ah, Jeremy... Tick.
Now on to, er...
Frankly, rather more royal matters now.
With this weeks (BLEEP) strategy agreed,
Simon can move on to the main item.
The increasingly forthcoming visit of Prince Charles.
Brilliant. So, Ian, I had a quick decaf with Tony earlier.
- Right. Did you? - Yes.
I mean, you'll know how you wanna play this better than I do.
But, for it's worth, we've got really rather excited
about the idea of you doing a sort of head prefect number for us on the day.
- Yes. - You know, ushering his HRH-ness
up to the headmaster's office.
Chatting with some of the brighter sixth-formers on the way.
Yes, no. I talked to Tony about this last week.
Oh, okay. Brilliant.
- We both... - Brilliant.
We both agreed though,
when it comes to the sequence of events of the day itself,
it's key that we all know exactly what is going to happen.
And we all know what we're doing.
- Yes. - Yes. Very good.
No. I agree with that, Ian.
Yeah. Also, it'll be a first.
One thing I can say, something they've been very clear about,
apparently, he wants to meet people from all levels in the BBC.
- Right. - Yes. No. Very good.
- Why? - Now, I don't know why, Anna.
They don't tell you that.
But he doesn't just want to meet the high-ups.
Well, that's all good to know.
Another thing they want to know in advance, Ian,
is exactly, who is going to be in the greeting party.
- All right. Yes. - Yeah.
You know, who is actually gonna be meeting him personally.
Yes.
That is something they will need to know in advance, Ian.
No, I mean, I said to Tony that this obviously something
we'll need to think about very carefully.
- Yes. - Yes. Exactly.
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.
- Yes. - Brilliant.
Yeah, good luck with that.
WILKES: Do you know what, Anna?
I just think it'd be great to go on a different direction from village,
if you want my honest opinion.
"Heavy Petting".
Okay. So, Kylie swaps her Rhodesian Ridgeback for, like, one week,
with Alan Carr's Maine Coon.
What?
I know. I hadn't heard of them either. I had to look them up.
NARRATOR: It's later that day,
and head of output Anna Rampton,
has asked David Wilkes to come into her office
and talk about his ideas.
The largest domesticated breed of cats
with a distinctive physical appearance,
- and valuable hunting skills. - Yes.
Also known for its intelligence, gentle personality
- and health problems such as feline... - Yes. All right.
It's just something I have not seen on television, that's all.
Yes. And the fact is that's not going to change.
- No. - The fact is, this is a critical moment.
Aware, that this is a critical moment in the BBC's history,
Anna knows she's in a situation where she needs something
that's not only different, but crucially, better than different.
...and crucially, better than different.
Yes. Right.
For David, this is a moment to draw on his experience
as a Development Executive.
Whilst at the same time, thinking with his feet.
But imagine, Britain's Got Talent, meets Family Fortunes.
- Right. - With a bit of The One Show thrown in
- just in case, obviously. - "Britain's Top Family"?
But that's just a working title.
I was thinking maybe something like
"Family Face Off"?
Or maybe just "Family".
- Because one word's good. - Yes.
And it's like... Do you know what? This is about all of us.
It's just got everything.
- It's very... - Yes. So how would it work?
Well,
each week you got like, two different families.
So, you know like,
one, like, really posh one,
and one, like, total car crash.
And they compete against each other.
They compete how?
- Sorry, Anna? - They compete how?
Yes. Because it's like,
we've all got something we can do.
So, one week, grandad plays, like, tunes on his head with, like, a spoon.
- Okay. - And the kids are doing like hand stands
while doing impressions of like different...
The fact is, the future of BBC is not old people playing spoons on their head
- with tunes. - No.
- The fact is, that's what ITV is for. - Sorry, Anna. Excuse me.
ANNA: Jack.
I'm afraid, they didn't have any white tea in the end.
- Okay. No. - I did get hold of some oolong.
- No, that's not gonna work. - Right. Sure.
- Can I get you anything else? - I'll have water.
- Water? Sure. - Not from the...
- No, Sure. Oh, Yes. - Nothing for me thanks. I'm fine.
Another email from Carrie at BBC America.
- Yes. - They really need to now,
if you can do that week of the 27th in LA?
- Right. - I've been stalling
because that's the week of the Prince Charles thing.
- Yes? - I wasn't sure if you're gonna be
involved in that.
I can't do LA.
- Okay. - They can move it.
No, sure. Okay, cool.
Yes.
- Wow. - Yes?
You're meeting Prince Charles when he comes, Anna.
The fact is, we've met before.
Lucky you.
- Talk about Britain's top family. - Yes.
Get him involved, then you really have got a show.
IAN: I mean, when you first came here, to the BBC, I mean.
What did they actually tell you?
Yeah, they just said like, "Wait in reception."
Right, but did they say anything about how long it was for?
Yeah. It was like most of the morning.
Then Izzy came down.
- Right. - Yeah, I know.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Ian has invited Will into Frankie Howerd,
to talk about things generally.
I don't really know how to say this,
but internships are normally for a limited amount of time.
- Yeah. - They don't normally last forever.
- Yeah. - So we need to talk about that.
Yeah. No worries. I mean, it's not my pass that's expired. It's me.
- Well, no, that's not quite... - Yeah. No.
That's cool. It's like with school.
- Well, yes... - It's like sometimes,
you've just got to leave right in the middle of the morning.
Yes, I mean. Really?
Yeah. My sister just turned up in my mother's car.
Right.
But as well as things generally,
Ian also knows that at some point, someone is going to have to talk
to Will about things specifically.
And that for better,
or more accurately for worse,
he is that person
and this is that moment.
Anyway, as I say, I think things have probably have come to the point,
where we...
I mean, I don't know if you've had any thoughts about
the sort of thing you might want to do next.
- Yeah, I have. - Because I mean...
- You have? - Yeah.
Oh, well. That's really, that's great, Will.
Yeah. I know. It's pretty cool.
What sort of thing are you going for?
I was gonna ask you about it.
Well, of course. Obviously, I'd love to help if I can.
Yeah, cool. Yeah.
'Cause, you know, like Izzy is a PA like to Simon Harwood.
Yes, right.
Like she feeds his fish for him and stuff.
Yes, I mean... She what?
- Yes. So like, I was thinking... - His fish?
So I was thinking like, I do your coffee and like your bike and stuff...
- Right. - So...
I mean. Could I like be PA to you?
PA to me?
I mean, like a real one. Like a real job.
Like I could do other stuff, too.
'Cause that'd be like...
It'd be so cool.
Right. Okay.
Yeah. Okay. No.
- Well, no Will... - Yeah. No worries.
- No. Yeah. Crap. - It's just, as I say,
- I'd like to help. - Yeah. Me, too.
But it's just, I mean, for that to happen...
Okay, for a start, I'd have to work out a formal job description
of some kind.
- Cool. Yeah. - No, but...
No, but you'd have to apply for it formally.
Okay.
I'd probably have to give you a reference...
- Cool. - Which would be...
Well, I'll have to think about how to do that.
- Yeah. - This whole thing
would have to go through the BBC HR department.
- Whoa. - And ultimately,
you'd need to be able to put together a really top-quality, impressive CV.
Okay.
- What? - Let's go for it.
Well, no...
It's like, sometimes, you have to believe in yourself
because no one else does either.
- The... What? - Yeah. Cool. Yeah. Let's do it.
Right. Okay. Good.
I mean, if there's anything in particular
His Royal Highness would like to see
or do whilst he's here, please let us know, obviously.
- Sure, yes. - We know he doesn't do sweetcorn.
- No. - No.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Prince Charles's private relations secretary
Camilla Ford and Clarence House Head of Hidden Security Richard Cartwright,
have already arrived,
to go through the fine theory of the forthcoming royal visit.
So this is Camilla.
Right. Hi, Ian Fletcher.
- Hi. - Camilla? What are the chances.
- No, don't. - Right. Okay. No.
And this is Richard Cartwright.
- Lan. - Richard, good to meet you.
Yeah. Dick, really.
- Sorry? - TRACEY: All right.
- It's Dick, really. Not Richard. - Yeah.
Right. Okay. Fine.
Dick actually looks after the security side of things.
Right. Okay. Well, pretty important guy, then.
- Yes. - Don't know about that.
I just tag along most of the time.
Yes. What is it pilots say?
"It's actually really boring until something goes wrong".
- Well, exactly. Yeah. - IAN: Yes.
Yes. Dick actually is a pilot.
- Right. Okay. - Well, I was.
A real one.
- Well, yes. - A squadron leader in RAF.
Right. Good.
Well, I mean, shall we just go in and...
- Okay, guys. - Oh, right.
- All right. Okay. - We good?
- Hello, Dave. - So, guys...
Dave Green is the BBC's own head of security
at New Broadcasting House.
Camilla. Richard.
Apologies. Erm, well,
actually, technically I'm not late, you guys are early.
- Which is fine, by the way but... - Yeah.
So, we've had an issue with Hugh Edwards this morning.
- I can't get into detail, I'm afraid. - Right.
Yeah, it's Dick, by the way.
- Sorry, Richard? - It's Dick, not Richard.
- Yeah. - Oh, fair enough, Richard. Noted.
Right.
- Right. Okay. Shall we? - Yeah...
Like to start outside guys, if that's good for everyone?
- Right. - Yeah?
Dave is not only responsible for the fail-safe security system
that completely surrounds New Broadcasting House,
but also personally devised much of the Syncopati-curity software
that makes it theoretically effective in almost any theoretical circumstance.
We do operate a fail-safe intelligent zonal-lockdown system in the building.
Whereby, in the event of a problem in one area...
Which there won't be, okay?
Adjacent areas will start to go into automatic lockdown in sequence
until the entire building is secure.
Until or I should say unless,
such time as that process is manually deselected.
Yes, well that's good to know.
I believe it's the same system as used in the White House, Richard.
- Is it? - I believe so, yes.
- God. - It's Dick.
- Dick. Yes. - Indeed, apologies. My mistake, Richard.
- Yeah. - Okay, good.
So, once we're happy the royal vehicles have arrived
and are... I'm sorry, I should say are arrived
via Langham street and are secured in the holding position,
I will seek clearance from you, Richard,
to move into the live phase of the operation.
- Okay. - Now, assuming
you come back to me with a "Go",
I will, at that point,
assume control of the rising bollards personally.
- Okay. Go. - Thank you, Richard.
- Dick. - Yeah, never mind.
Currently, as you can see
they're in what we call the "secure" or "raised" aspect, in which aspect,
you could drive a bulldog-armoured support vehicle at them and
I promise you, you will come off worse.
- Right, really? - All right.
- That's very... - Excuse me.
- Come off worst. - Very reassuring.
Yeah, luckily, I think you'll probably be in a Range Rover.
Range Rover, yes, absolutely.
How do you think about this, Richard?
Single Wi-Fi handset that changes functionality
depending on where it's detected in the building.
Yeah, I've just got Samsung, I'm afraid.
Okay.
But I've got the number of the RAF in there if I need it.
- Right. - Right. Okay. So that's all good.
(ON LAPTOP) It's half past one in the afternoon
and I frankly can't see us getting this done.
WILL: You're sure you don't want me to carry it?
No, really, it's fine. Thanks, Will. No, that's great.
Okay, cool.
- Goodnight, Izzy. - Yeah, goodnight, Izzy.
- Yes. Goodnight. - Yeah, I know.
How's it going?
- Yes. - Whoa. Top Gear.
Yes, it's riveting.
Yeah, no, 'cause my sister's got like, a VW Beetle.
Really?
Yeah, but like a new one. It's pretty cool.
At the moment, they're driving tractors through Belgium.
- Cool. - Well, okay. Good luck, anyway.
- Thanks. - Yeah.
- IAN: Bye. - IZZY: Bye.
- Will? - Yeah, I don't know.
- What? - Well, maybe I could do that.
- Well... - Do this?
Yeah, cool.
- Well I mean... - Yes, erm.
I mean, it's supposed to be done by the end of tomorrow.
- Yeah, no worries, yeah. - Right.
Well, I suppose if you actually really want to...
- Yeah, I do, yeah. - That would be really...
- Cool. - Yes.
I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.
Are you really sure about this though, Izzy?
It is quite important to get this right, isn't it?
- Yes. - Yeah, that's okay, I don't mind.
It's a matter of making a note of exactly where Jeremy (BLEEP)
Uses the word "tosser" in all of these shows.
Okay, cool. Yeah, no worries. "Tosser."
You don't have to start right now, Will.
Yeah, I know. It's cool.
You know, 'cause it's like I could put it on my CV.
- On your CV? - Yeah.
- Right. - Cool.
Yes. Great.
No, but, Dan, you mustn't. You can't just...
The thing is... You know, if you give up now then...
I think I just might end up throwing myself off a bridge.
What? No... I'm not... I'm serious.
Well, I don't know. I mean, there are lots of them.
I'll have to ask around and just decide on one.
Yes, please. Anytime.
Okay, speak soon.
Okay. Bye. Bye. Bye.
- Hi. - Hi.
- How are you? - Yes, you know. Yes.
- Good. - Yes, fine.
Right.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Doors opening.
- Walthamstow? - I know. I know.
That's a bit of a stretch from Scarborough, isn't it?
I finally get a meeting with Matt Taverner to talk about it.
I've been trying to see him for, like, days.
So, it's supposed to be seven o'clock, so I hang around.
Then I get this e-mail, just now.
- He can't make it. - Right.
He's got to go to some silent opera with Alan Yentob,
which he must have known all along.
- Yes. - AUTOMATED VOICE: Doors opening.
I just feel really guilty about Dan, you know?
- Yes. - He's up there in Wetherby.
He's had to move out,
he's living with his old English teacher
and I'm the one who's been telling him to have faith all the time.
- Well, no... - I'm sorry, I'm going on about it.
- No, I asked... - It's just been one of those days.
I mean, living with your old English teacher.
- Yes. - That's never good.
(SIRENS)
From the sound of it though.
From everything you say, none of this is your fault.
I know you shouldn't let this stuff get to you,
- but sometimes it's just... - Yes.
The thing is, I know it's all to do with this
- new Director of thingy job, really. - Right.
Matt's applying for it. I know he is. That's what it's all about.
Hang on. What new job?
- What? - Director of what?
- No. I mean, I don't know. - What?
What?
(SINGING STRICTLY THEME)
- Right, okay. - (CONTINUES SINGING)
NARRATOR: It's another day at a different time.
And Siobhan has come over from Perfect Curve
to bring The Way Ahead Task Force up to speed
with exactly where the BBC Wimbledon brand mashup is currently at.
- Ho! - Great. Okay, can we stop this now?
- Sure. - Yes.
- Go, Andy! - Yes.
- Brilliant. - Brilliant.
Okay, the next one is so cool.
So like, all the balls will have the BBC logo on them.
Right.
So, you can keep this. I don't want it.
- Brilliant. - Siobhan...
I'm not being picky or anything because I'm not like that.
But I can't help noticing what I can only describe
as a bit of a spelling mistake here.
- Nuh-uh. - Yes, I am afraid so.
Yeah, it's "Wimbledon."
- De nada. - Jesus.
No, I hate to say this, Siobhan,
it is Wimbledon, I'm afraid. Not "Winbledon."
- Not any more, it isn't. - Oh, right, here we go.
- BBC "Win-bledon." - Right.
- Duh? - Right. Okay, I see you've...
It's a totally cool idea.
It's like a win-win situation for like the BBC and Wimbledon.
- Bollocks. - Right, well...
- 360 degree win-some-ness. - What?
We can come back to the mashup idea in a moment.
- I mean, if we actually have to. - Sure.
But one thing we absolutely do need to get right is the whole...
No matter how mashed up BBC Wimbledon now is as a concept,
Ian is keen to talk about something else.
In this case, the sensitive issue of possible mono-homogeneity
in the BBC's coverage of lawn tennis.
I just think that in the context of renewal,
addressing this issue properly is something that's going to be critical.
- The fact is Wimbledon is... - "Win-bledon."
- Is something... - BBC "Win-bledon."
Is something that we do well
but the fact is, we should be looking at ways of doing it better than well.
- Yes. No. Very good, Anna. - That's been my point all along.
- No, really. Honestly, fabulous. - Right, well...
Okay, so, three words, guys.
Jo, Wilfried and Tsonga.
- Right. - Brilliant.
- Jo-Wilfried Tsonga? - Sure.
Okay.
But it turns out, that the team at Perfect Curve
have already been thinking about the idea of augmenting
the BBC Wimbledon team with new commentators or experts,
who are ethnically not-so-much white.
- This is a person? - Yes.
- Yeah, he's French. Yeah. - Super good.
They've discovered that there's someone called
Jo-Wilfried Tsonga,
who's currently ranked number 12 in the world.
And what's more... At tennis.
Okay, yes. Good.
So his mum's like, French and his dad's like, whatever.
Yes. No, I'm not being funny or anything but I play a bit of tennis myself.
- You do? - Yes.
- Christ. - Not at that standard, Neil, obviously.
- Right. - And I got to say...
Jo-Wilfried Tsonga is
...actually good news for the game. - Sure.
So, wait a minute. You're actually in contact with him?
We love Jo-Wilfried. He is one cool dude.
What I like about him,
he's an athletic player, obviously, especially on grass.
But the great thing about him is,
...he actually smiles. - Yes.
- Cool girlfriend. - Yeah.
- But so, Siobhan. - Sure.
- Just to be... You've actually... - Yeah, sure. No, sure.
No, I'm sorry. I'm going to ask you this question, I'm afraid.
I'm good with that.
Just to be clear. What you're saying is,
you're in contact with Jo-Wilfried Tsonga about this?
What it is... How it works... We just need an in
with his people and then we're totally all set with this.
- An in with his people? - Sure, then we're totally good to go.
- Right, okay. - All right.
- Guys, this is what we do, okay? - Bollocks.
Either nut up here or get off the bus at Loser's Creek.
- Yeah, brilliant. - Brilliant.
Fabulous.
Whoa!
Whoa! Cool.
- Hi, Will. - What?
Oh, hey, yeah. Hey, Izzy. Hey, yeah.
- How's it going? - Yeah, no, it's pretty cool.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, after many hours of careful observation,
Will has almost completed his task
of watching four years' worth of Top Gear shows
and counting the number of "tossers."
- 27. - Yeah, 27. Yeah.
And that's exactly where they all happened.
Right, that's really great, Will. So where are the timecodes?
Yeah, no, what? Say it again.
We need to know exactly where he uses the word so they can do the edit.
He says it once, like, in Bulgaria.
No, but that's what the timecodes are for.
Yeah, another time, like, in a car park.
- Yeah. Yeah. - (SCOFFS)
- God, Will. - Yeah, no worries. It's my own fault.
So near yet so far.
Yeah, I'm not going to put this on my CV.
NARRATOR: At last, after all the planning,
it's two weeks later
and it's the day of the royal visit.
- Oh, God. - Oh, hi, Lucy.
David. I didn't see you there.
- No. I know. - I mean, what are you doing?
- My God, you look sensational, Lucy. - Oh, no. Thank you...
I love what that dress does to your hips.
My hips?
Have you got a moment? I was going to ask
if you might be able to do me a favour.
David, this isn't a good... I need to be...
No, no, no. Only if you can be bothered, Lucy.
And only if the situation arises, obviously.
But I was going to ask you if you'd be able to give him this.
- What? - No, no. I know, I mean.
I'd do it myself but I am not included in the party.
- Is this a joke? - What it is, is...
I'm developing this show "Family Face Off" for Anna...
David, I am not giving Prince Charles your card.
And it's basically, each week it's like...
I don't care. I am not giving Prince Charles your card.
And it would be such a great thing for like all of us
...if he agreed to be part of it. - Yes.
I mean, that's all I'm thinking about here.
Yes, but I'm sorry, I'm not doing it. That's ridiculous.
- I want you to think about it, Lucy. - No.
- No? Okay. - No, I don't.
No, I'll just leave it with you, anyway. Lovely Lucy.
GREEN: Okay, copy that. And we are amber here, guys.
I say again, amber, amber, amber.
NARRATOR: With Prince Charles due to arrive at midday
by 11.40, there are only 20 minutes left to go.
And the royal greeting party
is gathering up in the Director General's outer office.
And just to say, guys. The royal convoy has left Clarence House
and is now inbound into us here.
- Right. - All righty.
- Thanks, Dave. - Right, here we go.
I've asked Lucy Freeman to be down in reception already
just to keep an eye on things down there.
- Good-o. - So, guys. We are all set.
Everyone is aware that this, of all days
is a day where absolutely nothing can go wrong.
I'll just step in, shall I, Alice
- and give Tony a prod? - Okay, fine.
I mean, I'm sure he's ready but sometimes he can get himself
into a frankly unnecessary last-minute state about his hair.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
SIMON: Hi, it's only me.
- Ready when you are, Mr McGill. - Right. Good.
Yeah, hi. Go ahead.
Okay. Right, where?
Not being funny or anything, Ian,
but I don't mind saying that I am going to need a loo
at some point before I meet His Royal Highness.
- Right, okay. - Okay, now, I've got eyes on it.
It's the same when I get on an aeroplane, I don't know why it is.
- Yes. Now, well. - Okay, no.
Okay, yeah.
- Okay, shut it down. - What?
I say again, shut it down.
9:30, Thursday. Got you in.
Perfect. Bye.
- Hi, Will. - Oh, yeah, hi. No, nothing.
- See, I'm going now? - All right, okay, going where?
- What? Yeah, I know. I don't mind. - What?
But even though it's a royal day for BBC in general,
it's not such a good day for Will.
Yeah, no, 'cause like they rejected my CV.
Yeah, like they said, aeroplanes wasn't really a skill.
Oh, no, but that's...
- Aeroplanes? - Yeah I know. Crap.
Yeah, bad luck.
Oh, Will, no.
The BBC HR department has thrown out Will's application
for the post of Assistant to the Head of Values.
Thanks for... It was great to have you around.
- Yeah. - You know, good luck with...
Yeah. No.
- Good luck. - Yeah. Thanks, yeah. You, too.
- Yeah, bye. - Okay, cool.
- Erm... - What?
Can I like, take a picture of you?
Er, yeah, I mean...
- Okay, cool. - Where do you want me?
What? Yeah... No worries. Yeah. Cool.
Here?
Yeah. Hang on.
- Yeah, no. - Shall I? Do you want a hand?
- Yeah, no, it's my fault. - I'll take it.
- No, Jack. - It's all right.
- I'll take both of you. - Yeah, say again.
You're on photos, not camera.
Yeah, I know. Crap.
So... Who's this?
- No, Jack, don't. - It's okay. It's okay.
- Give it back. - Yeah, it's my sister.
- Oh, wow! Nice sister. - Yeah.
- Jack. No! - No, it's okay. I'm gonna check it.
- Who's this? - Come on, it's Will's, give it back.
No, who's this with your sister?
Jack, give it to me.
See?
- This is your sister? - She's out water-skiing sometimes.
She's really good.
- Will, I don't mean to pry. - Oh, I do.
- Yeah, it's okay. - No, I really do.
So, who actually is that with her?
Oh, yeah. That's JW. Yeah, he's pretty cool.
- JW? - Yeah, Jo-Wilfried. Yeah.
- Jo-Wilfried? - Yeah.
- Right. - See?
So, guys, this is going to get busy.
We've got a suspicious object in the plaza.
What?
But suddenly, as can sometimes happen
on days when nothing can go wrong...
It does.
Suspicious objects. What? No. Three?
Outside in the plaza? Yeah, okay, copy that.
- Siobhan. - What?
I'm sorry, guys. We are in live lockdown.
- Siobhan? - Okay, no.
Oh, bloody great.
Who else will be carrying a rucksack with Sue Barker's head on it?
I say again, we are in live lockdown.
I'm gonna have to ask you to stay where you are.
I know who that is. I don't know what she's doing here.
- I definitely know who's bag that is. - I'm sorry, Ian.
The world is full of rucksacks with Sue Barker's face on them.
No, it isn't.
That's a ridiculous thing to say.
Also, it doesn't look right.
Well, that's neither here nor...
Apparently, they've spelled Wimbledon wrong.
- God. - Now, in my world...
...that's a big red flag. - No, that's deliberate.
- What is? - BBC "Win-bledon."
It's, er, it's supposed to look like that.
Yes.
- Look, sorry, guys... - Her name is Siobhan Sharpe.
She's a PR. She's...
Brand BBC Consultant.
Yes, exactly. Yes. I've got her number in my phone.
You're telling me, she's with us today?
- Well, I mean... - No, she's bloody not.
I'm sorry, Ian, this has nothing to do with her.
- Look, Tracey... - Yes, could she just shut up?
Your sister taught Jo-Wilfried Tsonga to water-ski?
- Yeah, I know. Yeah. - Brilliant.
Yeah, he didn't really want to, like she was an instructor in...
I don't know, like, the Caribbean one year, like it was really hot.
But, he wasn't supposed to water-ski because of like, his tennis.
But she made him anyway.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Izzy and Jack are coming to terms with the possibility
that Will may have managed to find a solution
to the BBC's Wimbledon problem by accidently having a sister.
Yeah, so now when he plays at Wimbledon, they all come and stay.
What do you mean stay? Stay where?
Jo-Wilfried Tsonga comes and stays at your house?
- In Wimbledon, is that where you live? - Yeah.
I have to sleep above the garage for like a fortnight, but that's okay.
- It's pretty cool up there. - Brilliant.
- He's such a cool guy. - Utterly, fucking brilliant.
And one time, he tried to teach me, like a backhand
but my mother left the bedroom window closed and...
(ALARM BEEPING)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Attention, this a security alert.
Code seven. I say again, code seven. Cafe Nero.
Basically, no one leaves or...
No, seven. Code seven.
No, Cafe Nero is, like, the name of the cafe.
With the heir to the throne minutes away and fast approaching fast,
Dave Green knows he can't afford to take a risk of any kind.
Whether it's a risk or not.
...what we're going to do, Ian. I need you to be clear on this.
We've got this individual under control
but, we're gonna have to...
(DOOR SHUTS)
Right, okay.
- That's okay, guys. That's normal. - Normal?
So the fact is, can somebody open those?
So, what I'm going to ask you to do is...
I can't believe this. Can we turn that thing off?
After following up Ian's potential lead,
someone's has been discovered in the cafe
claiming to fit Siobhan's description.
And Dave has an idea for verifying her identity.
DAVE: Okay, let's do it.
IAN: I've put her on speakerphone and what do you want me to say to her?
- GREEN: Excuse me? - What do you want me to say to her?
So, you're going to ask her to confirm her identity to you?
I know who she is. I can see her.
Yeah, no, that's definitely Siobhan.
SIOBHAN: (OVER PHONE) You guys are in serious shit. Let me go.
Siobhan, hi, it's Ian.
Ian, what the fuck?
I know this is completely ridiculous...
Let go off my arm, fuckface, okay?
Siobhan, I am going to ask you to confirm who you are to me.
SIOBHAN: What is this, some weird shit?
No, we have to do this.
I have to ask you to confirm your identity.
You have to tell me who you are.
You just said it, it's me. What the fuck?
Who do you think it is? Like, Hillary fucking Clinton?
Enough?
Okay, and we are Code Two clear.
All zones reset on this. I say again.
Clear. All zones, reset, reset, reset.
Right, thank God. Let's get on with this.
Okay, guys. I do need the loo now.
The fact is, this door needs to be opened.
- Yeah, just, resetting now. - Okay, good.
So the building knows exactly where this handset is and depending on...
We haven't got much time, Dave.
Yeah. Fair enough. Point taken, Ian.
Okay, good.
Okay.
Locked.
- Ah, okay. - All right.
- For God sake, Dave. - Okay, now, I'm sorry.
Guys, I really do need to get out.
Okay, I know what I did there.
Yes. No. They're here. I think he has actually arrived.
Right, but where actually are you?
What do you mean you can't get out?
It'll be fine, Lucy. Don't panic. This will be all be okay, right?
Because it will be. It has to be.
- Reset, reset. - Yes, and in the meantime...
Whatever. They're not bloody open, okay. They are still...
No, they're not. They're locked.
Richard, hi, morning. How are you?
Few minutes early but we're ready when you are.
Yeah, but in the meantime, just to check, the bollard situation.
Yeah, they're up. Yeah.
So, we didn't go down
the bulldog-armoured vehicle route in the end
but presumably you're across that.
Okay, will do. Yep, yep.
He's here, okay. He's outside now. He's arrived.
Tony says there should be a failsafe button on his side somewhere.
- Oh, okay. Well that's... - Yes.
- But, no, there isn't one. - No.
- But he says there should be. - Right, yes.
Basically, they're not very happy through there, I don't think.
- No. - So now, command control, shift, escape.
- Yeah, no. Do this now. - Escape?
Look, so, get out of security options
back to zonal preferences and no, do this now!
Okay, so try reopening controls from system start-up
by holding down alt, shift.
You did? And what happened?
Right.
Have you tried unplugging it at the mains?
Where does this go?
Oh, that leads through into Old Broadcasting House, I think.
- Right. - Or it used to one time.
- Doesn't open? - No.
- No, of course not. - I've never seen it open.
I'm not even sure if it's even real.
Oh, okay.
Right.
That's interesting.
Right, okay.
DAVE: Okay, great.
All right, okay.
And we are status active here, guys, I say again.
No, Dave. I'm sorry. Would you mind?
- Yeah, I... - It's just that I can't think.
- Yeah, I just... - No, please, shut up.
The BBC royal greeting party may have finally broken free.
But they now have just seven minutes left until they are due to be greeting
and no time to worry about detail.
Right, okay, let's go.
Hang on, guys. Not being funny or anything, but what about Tony?
- Oh, right. - Yes.
Tony who?
- Tony Hall. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- And Simon? - Yes.
I mean, are we just leaving them in there or waiting or what?
The fact is Prince Charles is here to be met and somebody's got to meet him.
I mean, why don't we keep going for the moment
...and see what happens with them. - Exactly.
- All right, okay. - Yes.
Because there already was a Broadcasting House
when New Broadcasting House was literally built onto the side of it.
The decision was made to call one of them Old Broadcasting House
to avoid any possible chance of confusion.
But even though they maybe only feet away from where they need to be,
in another sense, they are decades away
and the one thing they don't have is time.
RICHARD: Dave, hi, how's it looking?
DAVE: Yeah, no, great Richard.
Okay, no, just so you know,
we are still looking at quite a lot of bollard here. So...
Yes, no, understood, Richard. Er, we have eyes on that.
Okay, you sound like you're running.
As I say we're coming at you. And we are standby for "Go."
I say again, standby for "Go."
Oh, God.
- We've been here before. - I don't know.
- Guys, can I just... - No, shut up.
Just see what happens in here.
All right, good. Sorry, how do we get back to New Broadcasting House?
- NBH? - Reception. Yes.
- We're in a bit of a hurry. - Okay.
It's back that way.
- Really? - No, it isn't.
- We've just come from there. - Well, try that way.
- That way? - Yeah.
Right, thank you.
Yes, thank you.
Nope?
- Oh, right. - Okay, no, I'm sorry.
Bloody hell.
The fact is, we've gone further backwards in time.
Guys, what we need here is to go forwards.
- Yes, all right. - Just to say, four minutes.
- Yes, thanks, Dave. - Shut up.
- Yeah, I say again, guys, four minutes. - No, I'm sorry, shut up.
- Well, I'm going to keep going down. - Right.
At least then we'll end up on the ground floor.
- DAVE: Yeah, understood. - ANNA: Yes, good.
- IAN: Reception. - ANNA: What?
IAN: Reception. There's a sign.
DAVE: This is good, guys. This is good.
- IAN: Okay. - ANNA: Okay, no.
Right, that's it.
- Okay, so, guys, this is wrong. - Shut up.
I don't care it's fine.
- No. I say again, this is the wrong... - No, shut up.
We'll have to go out the front and walk around.
With three minutes to spare,
they've managed to find their way to the wrong reception.
But in theory, it's just 200 yards
from Old Broadcasting House to New Broadcasting House,
where the royal convoy is still waiting to arrive.
- Yes. - Can I help you, sir?
Yes, we're in a bit of a hurry.
We need to get around to the other reception.
Oh, that's not going to be possible, I'm afraid, sir.
- We have a VIP visitor inbound... - Yes, no, I know.
- We're meeting him. - I'm sorry, sir, we're in live lockdown.
- But we're meeting him. - Okay, sorry, guys.
It's thanks partly to Dave himself that the fool-proof
zonal-lockdown system is designed to favour neither man nor fool equally.
This is a code seven exceptional circumstance.
We are Code two live lockdown, sir.
- Right, listen... - Okay, forget it.
(MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES)
Ian, hi, where are you?
There's a security guy. A royal security guy. Richard Cartwright.
- Yes. - He's probably outside.
Er, yes, I think I can see him.
- Hi. - Hi.
Yeah, hi. Yes, it's Lucy Freeman. Hi.
Right. And you are?
I just... I work with... I basically...
Yeah, never mind. What the hell is going on in there?
Yes. No. They're coming now. I mean, I'm here already. So that's one.
And the others are just grouping up before they arrive.
- Grouping up? - Yes.
What are they, the bloody Red Arrows?
(SCOFFS) Yes, I know. Yes.
- IAN: Hello? Hello? - Ian.
Hello?
- Ah. - I'm sorry, Ian, I did go to the loo.
- Right. - I think it's probably the excitement.
- Yes, so... - Through here.
- Christ. - I know.
It was a fluke, okay? But this leads right out into...
Right, yes. No, I know.
Not being funny or anything, but she can't half shift in those heels.
But then I did actually go in a helicopter once.
- Right. - I didn't like it.
- No. - Yes.
- Right, okay. - Okay, this is good, guys.
- Okay, I say again. This is good. - Can you shut up, please?
- No running, okay? No running. - Okay, no running here, guys.
Okay, no running.
What happened?
- No, I can't... It doesn't matter. - Are you okay?
- Yes, I'm... - Yes, he's fine.
Guys, are we in a "Go" state?
Any news of Tony and Simon?
Alice just phoned. They're still stuck in his office.
- Right. - Right, okay, good.
Okay, let's do it.
(TYPING ON TABLET)
NARRATOR: Outside, it's now twelve o'clock,
which is exactly the time it's supposed to be.
But Dick Cartwright and the rest of the royal party
are aware that time is still passing.
Literally by the minute.
Meanwhile, inside, what's left of the official greeting party
has at last made it to its official greeting position.
This is it.
All that's necessary now is for nothing else to go wrong.
- Hey, guys. - Siobhan?
(SIGHS) I made it. They let me go.
- All right. - No, I'm sorry.
So let's do this. Let's get royal.
The fact is, this is not happening.
- It totally is. - No, it is not.
No, but there's a list, I'm afraid, Siobhan.
- A list, yes. - Yeah.
- No, sure. - A list went to Clarence House.
No, sure, I'm on it.
Well, I mean... What do you mean you're on it?
- No, I'm sorry, you're not. - I mean, how?
It's a list, okay. I'm on it. QVC.
- What? - Right, okay, fine.
But back outside, Dave Green has won his battle
with the last remaining rising bollard
and the visit is finally underway.
With the royal Range Rover now in place,
it's time for someone to come outside and greet it.
The only unknown left now, is exactly who that's going to be.
- It should be Ian, surely. - Well, no, I don't.
- Just to say, that's a "Go", guys. - Thanks, Dave.
Let's just do this.
- The fact is... No, I'm sorry. - Yeah, we really need to...
- Duh? - Right, okay.
Right, okay.
- (MUFFLED) - (ALARM BEEPING)
(MUFFLED)
Ian Fletcher, Head of BBC Values.
Your Royal Highness, welcome to New Broadcasting House.
- (MUFFLED) - (BEEPING CONTINUES)
Ripped By mstoll