1
00:00:07,390 --> 00:00:08,730
Hold up. You guys finally kissed?

2
00:00:08,730 --> 00:00:09,900
Yes, and Roofie,

3
00:00:09,900 --> 00:00:11,400
it was like kissing a sunbeam.

4
00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:12,360
Is that a good thing?

5
00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:13,630
Yeah! I mean, I...

6
00:00:13,630 --> 00:00:14,770
I gotta tell you, even though, like,

7
00:00:14,770 --> 00:00:15,870
my own TV show got cancelled,

8
00:00:15,870 --> 00:00:17,270
my dad walked out on me again,

9
00:00:17,270 --> 00:00:18,400
I'm completely broke,

10
00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:19,640
I can't even pay my rent,

11
00:00:19,640 --> 00:00:20,740
I'm finally happy!

12
00:00:20,740 --> 00:00:22,310
Well, I'm happy for you, man.

13
00:00:22,310 --> 00:00:24,340
- Thanks, man.
- And I'm happy for me!

14
00:00:24,340 --> 00:00:25,640
I had a talk with Sue, man,

15
00:00:25,640 --> 00:00:26,710
and it really had an impact.

16
00:00:26,710 --> 00:00:28,910
- No more drugs.
- What... what?

17
00:00:28,910 --> 00:00:30,380
Are you telling me there's not

18
00:00:30,380 --> 00:00:31,720
even any weed in these brownies?

19
00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:32,990
God damn it, Roofie!

20
00:00:32,990 --> 00:00:34,890
Not... no... not... not that I have

21
00:00:34,890 --> 00:00:36,320
a problem with you, regular brownies.

22
00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:37,560
- You're sweet.
- Pac, Pac, Pac,

23
00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:38,690
but they're not for you, okay.

24
00:00:38,690 --> 00:00:40,290
They're for the soup kitchen.

25
00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:41,990
I'm trying to reverse
14 years of bad karma.

26
00:00:41,990 --> 00:00:43,560
I don't think you can do that, man.

27
00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:45,360
Hey, hey, bitch!

28
00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:46,600
Hold up.

29
00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:48,570
Man, what's this bullshit I hear

30
00:00:48,570 --> 00:00:49,900
about you dissolving the drug business

31
00:00:49,900 --> 00:00:51,470
and giving back to the community?

32
00:00:51,470 --> 00:00:53,570
- Tyson, just relax, man.
- Relax?

33
00:00:53,570 --> 00:00:54,940
You realize how hard it is

34
00:00:54,940 --> 00:00:57,240
for a guy like me to find a legit job?

35
00:00:57,240 --> 00:00:58,540
- A guy like you?
- Yeah, a guy

36
00:00:58,540 --> 00:00:59,680
that's been in the drug business

37
00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:00,810
as long as I have.

38
00:01:00,810 --> 00:01:02,280
Man, my résumé is horseshit!

39
00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:03,720
Why don't you just get like a job

40
00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:04,980
as a nightclub bouncer or somethin'?

41
00:01:04,980 --> 00:01:06,390
A nightclub bouncer?

42
00:01:06,390 --> 00:01:07,720
You realize how ridiculous that sounds?

43
00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:09,450
Yeah, I cannot see that, Roofie.

44
00:01:09,450 --> 00:01:10,820
Yeah, no shit.

45
00:01:10,820 --> 00:01:12,560
They only give those jobs to black guys.

46
00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:13,990
- Yeah. That's true.
- It's true.

47
00:01:13,990 --> 00:01:15,590
You let me down, Roof.

48
00:01:15,590 --> 00:01:16,460
I... I...

49
00:01:16,460 --> 00:01:17,330
Oh!

50
00:01:17,330 --> 00:01:21,330
♪

51
00:01:26,040 --> 00:01:28,040
(screaming)

52
00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:32,040
♪

53
00:01:52,460 --> 00:01:54,570
(groaning)

54
00:01:54,570 --> 00:01:56,600
(bell ringing)

55
00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:59,340
♪

56
00:01:59,340 --> 00:02:00,470
Hi!

57
00:02:00,470 --> 00:02:01,570
Hey.

58
00:02:01,570 --> 00:02:02,640
Welcome to Circuit County.

59
00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:03,910
How may I help you?

60
00:02:03,910 --> 00:02:05,340
Well, I would like to return

61
00:02:05,340 --> 00:02:06,610
this TV that I have placed

62
00:02:06,610 --> 00:02:07,850
back in its original packing

63
00:02:07,850 --> 00:02:09,780
as if nothing has happened.

64
00:02:09,780 --> 00:02:10,950
Is there a problem with it?

65
00:02:10,950 --> 00:02:12,650
Yes, I got it home,

66
00:02:12,650 --> 00:02:13,720
took it out of the box,

67
00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:14,950
only to discover that

68
00:02:14,950 --> 00:02:16,420
I can't afford it.

69
00:02:16,420 --> 00:02:17,960
Sorry, sir, we have a pretty strict

70
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:19,630
no backsies policy.

71
00:02:19,630 --> 00:02:21,030
Right there.

72
00:02:21,860 --> 00:02:23,330
No backsies?

73
00:02:23,330 --> 00:02:26,000
Tune into Midtown Manhattan Medium,

74
00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,830
the only show on Alt TV featuring a medium!

75
00:02:28,830 --> 00:02:30,300
Wait a sec!

76
00:02:30,300 --> 00:02:32,540
You're that fat idiot
security guard from MMM!

77
00:02:32,540 --> 00:02:34,340
No, I was that fat

78
00:02:34,340 --> 00:02:35,770
idiot security guard from MMM.

79
00:02:35,770 --> 00:02:38,510
Now I'm just a plain old medium.

80
00:02:38,510 --> 00:02:39,980
Maybe you can help us out.

81
00:02:39,980 --> 00:02:41,480
Something weird's been happening

82
00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:42,780
with our floor models recently.

83
00:02:42,780 --> 00:02:43,880
The TVs have been scrambling

84
00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:45,320
for no apparent reason.

85
00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:47,320
I don't know. I'm not
good with the antennae.

86
00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:48,420
They're all satellite.

87
00:02:48,420 --> 00:02:49,450
You want me to go to space?

88
00:02:49,450 --> 00:02:50,490
No!

89
00:02:50,490 --> 00:02:51,890
I think we might have a ghost?

90
00:02:51,890 --> 00:02:53,790
Oh, shit, yeah, 'cause I'm a medium.

91
00:02:53,790 --> 00:02:55,260
Right, I didn't even connect the dots.

92
00:02:55,260 --> 00:02:56,330
So, no space?

93
00:02:56,330 --> 00:02:57,760
No, forget about space. Look...

94
00:02:57,760 --> 00:02:59,360
if you could get rid of whatever it is

95
00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:00,700
that's haunting us,

96
00:03:00,700 --> 00:03:02,500
I could go backsies on the no backsies.

97
00:03:02,500 --> 00:03:04,400
- Oh.
- Full cash refund.

98
00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:06,370
You've got yourself a deal, partner.

99
00:03:06,370 --> 00:03:07,710
Oh...

100
00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:13,310
Oh yeah, I respect the policy.

101
00:03:13,310 --> 00:03:14,680
Thanks.

102
00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:16,480
Oh, my God.

103
00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:18,650
I have got to go to Michigan.

104
00:03:18,650 --> 00:03:19,820
Hey, look at...

105
00:03:19,820 --> 00:03:21,320
Oh, snap!

106
00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:22,850
Yo, these TVs are all that

107
00:03:22,850 --> 00:03:24,560
and a bag of chips!

108
00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:26,020
- Hey!
- Yo, wassup?

109
00:03:26,020 --> 00:03:27,490
- Yo.
- I cannot get over

110
00:03:27,490 --> 00:03:28,890
all this technology, homie!

111
00:03:28,890 --> 00:03:30,800
It's pretty tight, right?

112
00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:31,960
Wait, you can see me?

113
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:33,570
Yeah, yo. I'm a medium.

114
00:03:33,570 --> 00:03:35,300
- Word?
- Yeah, let me guess.

115
00:03:35,300 --> 00:03:36,670
You either died in the nineties,

116
00:03:36,670 --> 00:03:37,800
or you're a Canadian.

117
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:39,240
Yeah, no, I died in the nineties.

118
00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:40,410
- Knew it.
- Psych!

119
00:03:40,410 --> 00:03:41,910
No, I died like a few days ago!

120
00:03:41,910 --> 00:03:43,310
Oh, okay.

121
00:03:43,310 --> 00:03:45,340
So, uh, what's the dealio?

122
00:03:45,340 --> 00:03:46,910
Oh, this?

123
00:03:46,910 --> 00:03:50,020
Yeah, it's a bit embarrassing...

124
00:03:50,020 --> 00:03:53,490
It was New Year's Eve, 1999.

125
00:03:53,490 --> 00:03:56,020
The century was coming to an end,

126
00:03:56,020 --> 00:03:57,820
and Y2K was upon us.

127
00:03:57,820 --> 00:03:59,060
I remember Y2K, that's when

128
00:03:59,060 --> 00:04:00,360
all the toasters were gonna, like,

129
00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:01,560
turn into robots and then

130
00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:02,660
we were gonna eat our microwaves?

131
00:04:02,660 --> 00:04:03,860
Not just the toasters, yo.

132
00:04:03,860 --> 00:04:05,660
The world was about to be thrown

133
00:04:05,660 --> 00:04:06,930
into total chaos.

134
00:04:06,930 --> 00:04:08,000
Now determined to be

135
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:09,430
one of the few survivors,

136
00:04:09,430 --> 00:04:10,840
I decided to go underground.

137
00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:11,700
Shit, son.

138
00:04:11,700 --> 00:04:12,740
So I built a bunker

139
00:04:12,740 --> 00:04:14,040
under an empty lot,

140
00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:15,940
in a highly obscure part of Brooklyn

141
00:04:15,940 --> 00:04:18,980
that no one would ever think to visit.

142
00:04:18,980 --> 00:04:22,510
A place called Williamsburg.

143
00:04:22,510 --> 00:04:23,880
Oh.

144
00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:25,780
Yeah, so, uh, how did you die?

145
00:04:25,780 --> 00:04:26,690
You starve to death?

146
00:04:26,690 --> 00:04:28,290
No, no, I, uh,

147
00:04:28,290 --> 00:04:29,920
I was trying to see how many licks it took

148
00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:32,460
to get to the center of this, um...

149
00:04:32,460 --> 00:04:33,660
Yeah, anyway, listen, yo,

150
00:04:33,660 --> 00:04:34,730
I need you to open

151
00:04:34,730 --> 00:04:35,930
that bunker for me, son!

152
00:04:35,930 --> 00:04:36,930
I got it, I got it.

153
00:04:36,930 --> 00:04:38,430
You want me to run in there,

154
00:04:38,430 --> 00:04:39,830
grab your Smash Mouth CDs right quick?

155
00:04:39,830 --> 00:04:41,330
As if!

156
00:04:41,330 --> 00:04:43,600
No, I need you to get into that bunker

157
00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:45,900
because there is someone else down there.

158
00:04:45,900 --> 00:04:47,470
It's Rick Moranis, isn't it?

159
00:04:47,470 --> 00:04:48,610
No, it's my girlfriend.

160
00:04:48,610 --> 00:04:49,780
Your girlfriend is Rick Moranis?

161
00:04:49,780 --> 00:04:51,410
No, my girlfriend is Samantha.

162
00:04:51,410 --> 00:04:53,050
And I told her the world was ending,

163
00:04:53,050 --> 00:04:54,780
and now she thinks she is the last person

164
00:04:54,780 --> 00:04:56,650
alive on Earth!

165
00:04:56,650 --> 00:04:58,580
She is gonna die in that bunker,

166
00:04:58,580 --> 00:05:00,550
never knowing the truth.

167
00:05:00,550 --> 00:05:02,290
And you?

168
00:05:02,290 --> 00:05:04,590
You are her only hope.

169
00:05:04,590 --> 00:05:08,030
♪

170
00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:16,760
♪

171
00:05:22,610 --> 00:05:23,940
(clanking)

172
00:05:23,940 --> 00:05:27,940
♪

173
00:05:30,980 --> 00:05:33,750
Hi there, uh, just a quick question.

174
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:35,350
Is there a deserted lot

175
00:05:35,350 --> 00:05:36,720
on these, uh, premiseses,

176
00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:38,460
or is it all... building?

177
00:05:38,460 --> 00:05:39,860
I'm afraid it's all building, sir,

178
00:05:39,860 --> 00:05:40,930
since 2004.

179
00:05:40,930 --> 00:05:41,990
Okay, I see.

180
00:05:41,990 --> 00:05:43,230
Now this building...

181
00:05:43,230 --> 00:05:45,000
is there any way to get,

182
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:47,570
I don't know, like, underneath it?

183
00:05:47,570 --> 00:05:49,800
I doubt it. It's a bank.

184
00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:51,640
Well, a sperm bank.

185
00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:53,000
One of the most secure sperm banks

186
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:54,440
in North America.

187
00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,370
(scat singing circus music)

188
00:05:56,370 --> 00:05:58,010
Slide down there a little, slim.

189
00:05:58,010 --> 00:05:59,410
Welcome back, Carl.

190
00:05:59,410 --> 00:06:00,850
Good morning, Diane.

191
00:06:00,850 --> 00:06:01,910
How'd that sticky toffee

192
00:06:01,910 --> 00:06:03,420
pudding recipe work out?

193
00:06:03,420 --> 00:06:05,520
It really made the toffee flavor pop.

194
00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:07,420
Speaking of making things pop,

195
00:06:07,420 --> 00:06:08,590
how about you give me a crack

196
00:06:08,590 --> 00:06:09,790
at that break room today?

197
00:06:09,790 --> 00:06:11,360
Now Carl, we've been through this.

198
00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:13,020
I know, I know.

199
00:06:13,020 --> 00:06:14,660
The break room's for snacking,

200
00:06:14,660 --> 00:06:17,030
not for whacking.

201
00:06:17,030 --> 00:06:18,900
Can't blame a guy for trying.

202
00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:20,400
(chuckling)

203
00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:24,440
♪

204
00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:25,740
(clearing throat)

205
00:06:25,740 --> 00:06:27,470
Are you here for a deposit as well?

206
00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:29,010
No! No, no, no, no. I'm here for more

207
00:06:29,010 --> 00:06:31,010
of like a withdrawal type situation.

208
00:06:31,010 --> 00:06:32,480
Uh, I need to grab something...

209
00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:33,580
er... someone.

210
00:06:33,580 --> 00:06:34,710
We get this a lot.

211
00:06:34,710 --> 00:06:35,980
Someone donates their sperm,

212
00:06:35,980 --> 00:06:37,580
then immediately feels weird about it

213
00:06:37,580 --> 00:06:38,850
and tries to get it back.

214
00:06:38,850 --> 00:06:39,890
Unfortunately,

215
00:06:39,890 --> 00:06:41,450
here at Fidelity Sperm United,

216
00:06:41,450 --> 00:06:44,720
we have a strict no backsies policy.

217
00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:47,290
_

218
00:06:47,290 --> 00:06:48,560
Sea salt? No shit.

219
00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:49,900
Yeah, apparently it really makes

220
00:06:49,900 --> 00:06:51,030
the toffee flavor pop.

221
00:06:51,030 --> 00:06:52,360
I don't know.

222
00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:53,600
Soup kitchen's gonna love that.

223
00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:55,530
Cool. So, quick question.

224
00:06:55,530 --> 00:06:56,700
If you were me,

225
00:06:56,700 --> 00:06:57,940
how would you go about sneaking

226
00:06:57,940 --> 00:06:59,000
into a sperm bank?

227
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:00,410
Can't say it enough:

228
00:07:00,410 --> 00:07:01,610
I'm happy I'm not you.

229
00:07:01,610 --> 00:07:02,970
There is a girl trapped

230
00:07:02,970 --> 00:07:04,280
with a corpse in a bunker

231
00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:05,340
underneath the sperm bank.

232
00:07:05,340 --> 00:07:07,680
She's been there since
the turn of the Willennium.

233
00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:08,880
She's gonna eventually die down there

234
00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:10,580
if we don't go get her.

235
00:07:10,580 --> 00:07:12,250
Wait. How long you say

236
00:07:12,250 --> 00:07:13,690
she been down there, fourteen years?

237
00:07:13,690 --> 00:07:15,420
- Yeah.
- That's exactly

238
00:07:15,420 --> 00:07:17,020
the amount of time I been dealing drugs.

239
00:07:17,020 --> 00:07:18,260
Yeah, so?

240
00:07:18,260 --> 00:07:19,490
Saving this girl might be

241
00:07:19,490 --> 00:07:20,830
the perfect way to redeem myself.

242
00:07:20,830 --> 00:07:22,330
And, planning a heist has always been

243
00:07:22,330 --> 00:07:23,600
a childhood fantasy of mine.

244
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:25,260
- I'm in!
- Yaaaay, Roofie!

245
00:07:25,260 --> 00:07:26,630
All right, okay!

246
00:07:26,630 --> 00:07:28,030
So, what do we need to do?

247
00:07:28,030 --> 00:07:29,770
You wanna know what we need to do?

248
00:07:29,770 --> 00:07:31,040
Yeah.

249
00:07:33,970 --> 00:07:36,680
That's what we need to do,

250
00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:38,680
with a much lower budget.

251
00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:41,550
First, we need some montage music.

252
00:07:41,550 --> 00:07:44,520
(soft piano music)

253
00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:45,650
(music warping)

254
00:07:45,650 --> 00:07:46,790
(funky music)

255
00:07:46,790 --> 00:07:48,290
- Yeah! That's it.
- Mmm!

256
00:07:48,290 --> 00:07:49,620
Next, we gotta find someone that knows

257
00:07:49,620 --> 00:07:51,590
the place like the back of his hand.

258
00:07:51,590 --> 00:07:53,590
What about the front of his palm?

259
00:07:53,590 --> 00:07:57,590
♪

260
00:08:06,340 --> 00:08:08,670
Wise Water, smart choice.

261
00:08:08,670 --> 00:08:10,340
I like to replenish the electrolytes

262
00:08:10,340 --> 00:08:12,540
after every honorable discharge.

263
00:08:12,540 --> 00:08:14,880
♪

264
00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:16,050
Who sent you?

265
00:08:16,050 --> 00:08:17,950
It was I who sent me.

266
00:08:17,950 --> 00:08:19,750
I require your expertise.

267
00:08:19,750 --> 00:08:21,320
What's in it for me?

268
00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:24,320
How does two 25 dollar bills sound, my man?

269
00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:25,790
Sounds like 50 bucks.

270
00:08:25,790 --> 00:08:28,430
I get that every time I jizz in a cup!

271
00:08:28,430 --> 00:08:29,590
Sixty?

272
00:08:29,590 --> 00:08:31,400
♪

273
00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:32,660
Now obviously

274
00:08:32,660 --> 00:08:34,230
this is an after hours operation.

275
00:08:34,230 --> 00:08:35,500
There's a female guard who patrols

276
00:08:35,500 --> 00:08:36,740
the front entrance at night.

277
00:08:36,740 --> 00:08:38,400
We're gonna need a distraction.

278
00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:39,440
Female?

279
00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:40,810
- I got this.
- The front door

280
00:08:40,810 --> 00:08:42,270
will be locked from the inside.

281
00:08:42,270 --> 00:08:43,310
We're gonna need someone

282
00:08:43,310 --> 00:08:44,680
who can slip in during the day

283
00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:47,280
and hide undetected till nightfall.

284
00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:49,350
I think I know our guy.

285
00:08:49,350 --> 00:08:53,350
♪

286
00:09:02,390 --> 00:09:03,830
The fuck do you want?

287
00:09:03,830 --> 00:09:05,800
Someone to take over my business.

288
00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:08,900
♪

289
00:09:08,900 --> 00:09:10,840
So after we distract the outside guard,

290
00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:12,900
then we gotta get past the inside guard

291
00:09:12,900 --> 00:09:14,410
who sits at reception.

292
00:09:14,410 --> 00:09:15,940
He takes a four minute shit every night

293
00:09:15,940 --> 00:09:17,940
at the same time like clockwork.

294
00:09:17,940 --> 00:09:19,740
You can set your watch
by this guy's asshole.

295
00:09:19,740 --> 00:09:21,250
That's just enough time for Tyson

296
00:09:21,250 --> 00:09:22,580
to let us in.

297
00:09:22,580 --> 00:09:23,850
But we're not out of the woods yet.

298
00:09:23,850 --> 00:09:25,450
There's one security camera

299
00:09:25,450 --> 00:09:27,020
which looks down the entire hallway

300
00:09:27,020 --> 00:09:28,550
leading to the main freezer.

301
00:09:28,550 --> 00:09:30,790
So besides that four minute shit window,

302
00:09:30,790 --> 00:09:31,860
we're gonna need someone

303
00:09:31,860 --> 00:09:33,560
who can scramble monitors.

304
00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:37,560
♪

305
00:09:48,570 --> 00:09:50,010
We got the brains,

306
00:09:50,010 --> 00:09:51,640
we got the muscle,

307
00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:53,410
we got the architect,

308
00:09:53,410 --> 00:09:54,850
we got the... no, Zoila,

309
00:09:54,850 --> 00:09:56,850
we don't need a cleaner on this heist.

310
00:09:56,850 --> 00:09:58,820
Sorry, mister.

311
00:09:58,820 --> 00:10:01,720
Sticky toffee pudding, se単or.

312
00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:05,460
Okay, thank you, thank you, Zoila.

313
00:10:05,460 --> 00:10:07,760
Here we go, take two.

314
00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:09,430
We got the brains,

315
00:10:09,430 --> 00:10:11,000
we got the muscle,

316
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:12,860
we got the architect,

317
00:10:12,860 --> 00:10:14,570
we got the techie,

318
00:10:14,570 --> 00:10:16,470
we got the blob,

319
00:10:16,470 --> 00:10:18,270
we got the me.

320
00:10:18,270 --> 00:10:19,870
- Woah... Blob!
- Hello.

321
00:10:19,870 --> 00:10:21,370
Blob, what are you doing here?

322
00:10:21,370 --> 00:10:24,280
Joey Fatone, what the fuck is that?

323
00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:25,910
Hey, buddy, it's good to see you.

324
00:10:25,910 --> 00:10:27,810
I am so sorry that I banished you.

325
00:10:27,810 --> 00:10:29,350
I just wanna help.

326
00:10:29,350 --> 00:10:30,780
You're such a sweetheart... I'm...

327
00:10:30,780 --> 00:10:32,380
it is really good to see you!

328
00:10:32,380 --> 00:10:33,750
But unfortunately, we just... we don't have

329
00:10:33,750 --> 00:10:35,320
a job for you on this heist.

330
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:36,450
But, you know, enough of that!

331
00:10:36,450 --> 00:10:37,560
How are you? You look good!

332
00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:39,520
Pac! Come on.

333
00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:40,660
- Huh?
- The plan!

334
00:10:40,660 --> 00:10:42,460
Oh, yes, right. The plan.

335
00:10:42,460 --> 00:10:46,460
♪

336
00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:55,770
Hey, bitch!

337
00:10:55,770 --> 00:10:56,780
Oh.

338
00:10:56,780 --> 00:11:00,780
♪

339
00:11:01,650 --> 00:11:02,950
- Hey!
- God, Tyson!

340
00:11:02,950 --> 00:11:04,380
I'm half mast.

341
00:11:04,380 --> 00:11:05,580
Just make it fast.

342
00:11:05,580 --> 00:11:07,520
All right, said the boner killer.

343
00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:09,320
Okay...

344
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,290
(exhaling)

345
00:11:11,290 --> 00:11:12,760
I'm so distracted.

346
00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:16,760
♪

347
00:11:19,730 --> 00:11:20,830
Now, if this doesn't seem like

348
00:11:20,830 --> 00:11:22,230
your particular cup of tea,

349
00:11:22,230 --> 00:11:23,470
you can eat as many Hot Pockets

350
00:11:23,470 --> 00:11:24,740
as you want, walk out that door,

351
00:11:24,740 --> 00:11:26,000
no questions asked.

352
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:29,410
But, if you feel like being a hero

353
00:11:29,410 --> 00:11:31,510
and saving a girl from the weight

354
00:11:31,510 --> 00:11:33,650
of millions... nay, trillions

355
00:11:33,650 --> 00:11:36,580
of the most secure sperm in Brooklyn,

356
00:11:36,580 --> 00:11:38,420
then stick around.

357
00:11:38,420 --> 00:11:40,290
Still eat some Hot Pockets,

358
00:11:40,290 --> 00:11:41,520
and then let's do this!

359
00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:42,890
- Yes!
- Awesome!

360
00:11:42,890 --> 00:11:43,990
Let's do it!

361
00:11:43,990 --> 00:11:45,420
Sorry, Zoila.

362
00:11:45,420 --> 00:11:49,420
♪

363
00:11:58,470 --> 00:12:00,910
(groaning)

364
00:12:00,910 --> 00:12:03,270
The guard is off-duty taking a doodie.

365
00:12:03,270 --> 00:12:04,710
You got four minutes.

366
00:12:04,710 --> 00:12:08,710
♪

367
00:12:09,410 --> 00:12:10,650
Hey, I'm Roofie.

368
00:12:10,650 --> 00:12:11,780
I'm smooth like a baby,

369
00:12:11,780 --> 00:12:13,280
but I hump like a man.

370
00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:14,320
Oh, fill me!

371
00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:15,550
I'm dead and I'm empty.

372
00:12:15,550 --> 00:12:16,890
Oh, word. I got some

373
00:12:16,890 --> 00:12:18,690
premium diesel right here, girl.

374
00:12:18,690 --> 00:12:20,360
Oh, you like it rough, huh, girl?

375
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:21,530
Me, too! Shit.

376
00:12:21,530 --> 00:12:22,590
Hot Pac, something's wrong.

377
00:12:22,590 --> 00:12:24,730
No, it ruins the game
when you do that... huh?

378
00:12:24,730 --> 00:12:25,930
Oh. I see.

379
00:12:25,930 --> 00:12:26,970
Oh!

380
00:12:26,970 --> 00:12:28,770
(shrieking)

381
00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:34,400
Oh, that's gotta hurt!

382
00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:35,630
Ah, it hurts!

383
00:12:35,630 --> 00:12:36,630
- Yeah.
- Hurts.

384
00:12:36,630 --> 00:12:38,000
Yo, you better hustle.

385
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:39,630
This guy's gonna be wiping any second.

386
00:12:39,630 --> 00:12:40,900
Tyson, we got an issue here.

387
00:12:40,900 --> 00:12:42,100
Hold on! No, ah!

388
00:12:42,100 --> 00:12:43,770
Technically Roofie is distracting

389
00:12:43,770 --> 00:12:44,740
the guard.

390
00:12:44,740 --> 00:12:45,910
Why?

391
00:12:45,910 --> 00:12:50,110
♪

392
00:12:50,110 --> 00:12:52,450
(gagging)

393
00:12:52,450 --> 00:12:56,450
♪

394
00:13:00,490 --> 00:13:02,820
(toilet flushes)

395
00:13:02,820 --> 00:13:06,820
♪

396
00:13:19,670 --> 00:13:21,640
Yo, is your boy in place?

397
00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:25,640
♪

398
00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:52,070
Whoa, hold up, hold up, hold up!

399
00:13:52,070 --> 00:13:53,510
Something's not right.

400
00:13:53,510 --> 00:13:54,740
♪

401
00:13:58,650 --> 00:13:59,880
♪

402
00:14:03,690 --> 00:14:05,090
♪

403
00:14:05,090 --> 00:14:07,490
(lasers buzzing)

404
00:14:07,490 --> 00:14:08,820
This is new.

405
00:14:08,820 --> 00:14:09,890
Woah.

406
00:14:09,890 --> 00:14:11,060
(neck cracking)

407
00:14:11,060 --> 00:14:12,490
I got this.

408
00:14:12,490 --> 00:14:14,900
(reggae dance music playing)

409
00:14:14,900 --> 00:14:18,900
♪

410
00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:36,080
Uh...

411
00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:37,950
♪

412
00:14:37,950 --> 00:14:39,450
Oh, that's fly.

413
00:14:39,450 --> 00:14:43,450
♪

414
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:51,770
Come on!

415
00:14:51,770 --> 00:14:53,670
Oh, my God! That was amazing!

416
00:14:53,670 --> 00:14:55,040
Where did you learn to shuck and jive

417
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:56,470
like that, Fred Astaire?

418
00:14:56,470 --> 00:14:57,910
Prison. What's the code?

419
00:14:57,910 --> 00:15:00,610
Carl, what's the code? Ca-Carl?

420
00:15:00,610 --> 00:15:02,580
Carl? Oh, shart, man.

421
00:15:02,580 --> 00:15:04,080
Carl had the code written on his hand!

422
00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:05,610
Why didn't you have it
written on your hand?

423
00:15:05,610 --> 00:15:06,650
You know I'm ticklish.

424
00:15:06,650 --> 00:15:07,680
How would I know that?

425
00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:09,920
'Cause everybo...

426
00:15:09,920 --> 00:15:11,890
Carl, were you doing

427
00:15:11,890 --> 00:15:13,350
what I think you were doing?

428
00:15:13,350 --> 00:15:14,760
Depends, do you think

429
00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:16,120
I was masturbating in the break room?

430
00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:17,460
Yes, I do.

431
00:15:17,460 --> 00:15:18,830
- Then yes.
- Oh, my God.

432
00:15:18,830 --> 00:15:19,890
I finally got to blow

433
00:15:19,890 --> 00:15:21,060
some splooge in the break room.

434
00:15:21,060 --> 00:15:22,360
I thought you'd be happy for me.

435
00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:23,130
Ah, weird, man.

436
00:15:23,130 --> 00:15:24,130
Man, what's the code?

437
00:15:24,130 --> 00:15:27,070
Relax, I got the code.

438
00:15:27,070 --> 00:15:28,800
I guess we should have
seen that comin', huh?

439
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:30,070
- Ah.
- Ugh, dick hands!

440
00:15:30,070 --> 00:15:31,570
Hey, watch my moneymaker!

441
00:15:31,570 --> 00:15:32,810
We're screwed! We're screwed

442
00:15:32,810 --> 00:15:34,340
by a jerkoff and a jackoff!

443
00:15:34,340 --> 00:15:35,610
Don't lump me in with him, man.

444
00:15:35,610 --> 00:15:36,780
I wasn't the one jerkin'...

445
00:15:36,780 --> 00:15:38,880
(electricity zapping)

446
00:15:40,620 --> 00:15:43,720
♪

447
00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:46,390
Blob, blob, blob, blob, blob.

448
00:15:46,390 --> 00:15:47,590
Blob?

449
00:15:47,590 --> 00:15:49,060
Oh, man, there was a job for you!

450
00:15:49,060 --> 00:15:51,030
I gotta stop misunderestimating you, pal!

451
00:15:51,030 --> 00:15:52,460
That's okay.

452
00:15:52,460 --> 00:15:54,460
Don't do it again, bye!

453
00:15:54,460 --> 00:15:55,630
You... you're just like,

454
00:15:55,630 --> 00:15:57,470
worth your weight in gold!

455
00:15:57,470 --> 00:16:01,470
♪

456
00:16:03,700 --> 00:16:05,540
I've never jerked off in here before!

457
00:16:05,540 --> 00:16:07,410
You take it out, I take it off!

458
00:16:07,410 --> 00:16:09,580
Yo, this is the spot, Pac.

459
00:16:09,580 --> 00:16:11,650
Where, right here?

460
00:16:11,650 --> 00:16:14,380
Okay, that's the spot. Go, go, go.

461
00:16:14,380 --> 00:16:15,680
Oh, this thing isn't gonna work.

462
00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:16,820
We're gonna need a jackhammer or something.

463
00:16:16,820 --> 00:16:17,890
What?

464
00:16:17,890 --> 00:16:18,850
You give me the hammer.

465
00:16:18,850 --> 00:16:20,090
I'll provide the jack.

466
00:16:20,090 --> 00:16:21,820
Nice.

467
00:16:21,820 --> 00:16:22,760
(spitting)

468
00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:23,890
Courtesy.

469
00:16:23,890 --> 00:16:25,490
(pounding furiously)

470
00:16:25,490 --> 00:16:26,790
Yeah, go Carl!

471
00:16:26,790 --> 00:16:28,100
Oh, yes!

472
00:16:28,100 --> 00:16:29,460
Slow it down a bit,

473
00:16:29,460 --> 00:16:30,930
find the sweet spot.

474
00:16:30,930 --> 00:16:32,030
Yes!

475
00:16:32,030 --> 00:16:33,670
Ye-es, Carl.

476
00:16:33,670 --> 00:16:35,600
(creaking open)

477
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:38,040
Oh, God! Oh, dude.

478
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:39,770
Oh, your dead body stinks so bad.

479
00:16:39,770 --> 00:16:41,610
Oh sure, blame the dead guy,

480
00:16:41,610 --> 00:16:43,640
not all the cabbage we have down there.

481
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:45,750
Who brings cabbage into a bunker?

482
00:16:45,750 --> 00:16:48,020
(groaning)

483
00:16:48,020 --> 00:16:49,520
Tyson, check it out. Is it bleeding?

484
00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:51,550
AOL 1000 free hours?

485
00:16:51,550 --> 00:16:53,790
I haven't seen one of these since...

486
00:16:53,790 --> 00:16:54,890
Hey, what the fuck?

487
00:16:54,890 --> 00:16:56,420
Ow, ow!

488
00:16:56,420 --> 00:16:58,030
(shouting)

489
00:16:58,030 --> 00:16:59,030
Stop, hey, ow!

490
00:16:59,030 --> 00:17:00,700
You're killing us!

491
00:17:00,700 --> 00:17:01,930
We're here to help, we're here to help.

492
00:17:01,930 --> 00:17:04,330
Stop, stop throwing CD-ROMs at us!

493
00:17:04,330 --> 00:17:05,830
- Ha!
- Slap bracelets.

494
00:17:05,830 --> 00:17:08,840
(grunting)

495
00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:10,740
Ahh, I've been struck!

496
00:17:10,740 --> 00:17:12,470
Ahh!

497
00:17:12,470 --> 00:17:13,770
Ah, oh, this hurts.

498
00:17:13,770 --> 00:17:14,780
Oh, this hurts!

499
00:17:14,780 --> 00:17:15,910
Man, do something!

500
00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:17,040
- What!
- I can't breathe.

501
00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:18,550
I can breathe but it hurts.

502
00:17:18,550 --> 00:17:19,710
Easy, pretty girl.

503
00:17:19,710 --> 00:17:21,080
Eaaasy. Easy.

504
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:24,390
(shouting)

505
00:17:24,390 --> 00:17:25,790
The pressure's so high,

506
00:17:25,790 --> 00:17:27,020
she must have pumped that thing

507
00:17:27,020 --> 00:17:28,590
fifty times!

508
00:17:28,590 --> 00:17:29,720
Tyson, go get her, man!

509
00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:30,690
All right, all right!

510
00:17:30,690 --> 00:17:31,790
Don't worry,

511
00:17:31,790 --> 00:17:33,330
we're not here to hurt you.

512
00:17:33,330 --> 00:17:34,860
We're not here to hurt you, it's okay.

513
00:17:34,860 --> 00:17:36,530
What the hell is she doin'?

514
00:17:36,530 --> 00:17:38,030
- Woah!
- Oh, no. Tyson's down.

515
00:17:38,030 --> 00:17:39,570
That was our last line of defense.

516
00:17:39,570 --> 00:17:40,940
Oh, this has gone so badly.

517
00:17:40,940 --> 00:17:42,600
What do you robots want?

518
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:43,910
We're not robots!

519
00:17:43,910 --> 00:17:45,540
Zombies!

520
00:17:45,540 --> 00:17:46,710
Ah!

521
00:17:46,710 --> 00:17:48,540
You'll never take me alive.

522
00:17:48,540 --> 00:17:50,410
Oh, no, don't, don't, don't, don't, stop!

523
00:17:50,410 --> 00:17:52,380
Stop, stop, okay?

524
00:17:52,380 --> 00:17:54,080
Jason sent us.

525
00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:56,050
Jason's dead!

526
00:17:56,050 --> 00:17:59,020
And no, you cannot have his brains.

527
00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:01,120
We don't want his brains, okay?

528
00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:02,750
We're not zombies,

529
00:18:02,750 --> 00:18:05,120
we're not robots, okay?

530
00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:07,120
The world didn't end in 2000.

531
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,020
Everything is perfectly normal.

532
00:18:09,020 --> 00:18:10,790
We're just here in the sperm bank

533
00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:12,490
because your boyfriend, who's a ghost now,

534
00:18:12,490 --> 00:18:13,890
spoke to me because I'm a medium,

535
00:18:13,890 --> 00:18:15,460
and he asked me to get you out of there,

536
00:18:15,460 --> 00:18:16,860
so I assembled this rag-tag group

537
00:18:16,860 --> 00:18:18,700
of masturbators and drug dealers

538
00:18:18,700 --> 00:18:20,070
to help me, that's it.

539
00:18:20,070 --> 00:18:21,540
Simple.

540
00:18:21,540 --> 00:18:24,570
I want proof you can talk to Jason.

541
00:18:24,570 --> 00:18:27,140
What was our last argument about?

542
00:18:27,140 --> 00:18:28,710
Oh, yo, I know this.

543
00:18:28,710 --> 00:18:30,140
Which "Friends" star would go on

544
00:18:30,140 --> 00:18:31,510
to have the biggest career

545
00:18:31,510 --> 00:18:33,550
if the world didn't end.

546
00:18:33,550 --> 00:18:35,920
I... I said Schwimmer.

547
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:37,550
You picked Schwimmer?

548
00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:38,820
Jason!

549
00:18:38,820 --> 00:18:42,460
It's really you!

550
00:18:42,460 --> 00:18:45,430
Oh, no.

551
00:18:45,430 --> 00:18:46,760
I can't leave this bunker.

552
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:47,960
Come on! Why now?

553
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,200
Wh... wh... why?

554
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,500
I have been down there for 14 years

555
00:18:51,500 --> 00:18:53,130
waiting for the world to end.

556
00:18:53,130 --> 00:18:54,500
Everybody's gonna think

557
00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:56,670
I'm a total airhead!

558
00:18:56,670 --> 00:18:58,470
I'll be famous for being retarded!

559
00:18:58,470 --> 00:18:59,510
No, no, no, no, the world is

560
00:18:59,510 --> 00:19:00,810
a very different place now.

561
00:19:00,810 --> 00:19:02,040
Being famous for being retarded

562
00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:03,580
is like the best kind of fame.

563
00:19:03,580 --> 00:19:04,580
And also, you can't really

564
00:19:04,580 --> 00:19:05,780
say retarded anymore.

565
00:19:05,780 --> 00:19:07,480
Yeah, which is totally retarded.

566
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:08,550
Pac is right.

567
00:19:08,550 --> 00:19:09,680
Our biggest celebrity

568
00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:11,590
is a big-assed Armenian bitch

569
00:19:11,590 --> 00:19:12,750
who made a sex tape

570
00:19:12,750 --> 00:19:14,790
with a low-level R&B singer.

571
00:19:14,790 --> 00:19:16,820
And that whore made millions.

572
00:19:16,820 --> 00:19:19,660
Believe me, as a former reality TV star,

573
00:19:19,660 --> 00:19:22,560
America loves idiots.

574
00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:26,570
So, the world is fine,

575
00:19:26,570 --> 00:19:30,040
and I'm gonna be a rich and famous idiot?

576
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:32,170
Yes! Nailed it.

577
00:19:32,170 --> 00:19:33,540
Gnarly!

578
00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:34,640
Yeah!

579
00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:35,880
- I'm in!
- All right!

580
00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:37,450
Yo, thank you, Pac.

581
00:19:37,450 --> 00:19:39,110
You the bomb, son!

582
00:19:39,110 --> 00:19:41,950
♪

583
00:19:41,950 --> 00:19:43,950
Don't let your boys bang my girl!

584
00:19:43,950 --> 00:19:45,850
No promises!

585
00:19:45,850 --> 00:19:47,090
- (alarm blaring)
- Oh, my god!

586
00:19:47,090 --> 00:19:49,760
Everybody ejaculate the building!

587
00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:51,390
Come on, go! Go, go, go, go!

588
00:19:51,390 --> 00:19:53,890
- Carl?
- Leave me!

589
00:19:53,890 --> 00:19:55,460
Leave me!

590
00:19:55,460 --> 00:19:57,600
Oh, so gross!

591
00:19:57,600 --> 00:20:01,600
♪

592
00:20:07,910 --> 00:20:10,510
(screaming)

593
00:20:10,510 --> 00:20:11,750
Leave me!

594
00:20:11,750 --> 00:20:12,810
♪

595
00:20:12,810 --> 00:20:14,010
Leave me!

596
00:20:14,010 --> 00:20:17,650
♪

597
00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:19,490
Leave me.

598
00:20:19,490 --> 00:20:21,590
Leave me!

599
00:20:26,620 --> 00:20:29,620
♪

600
00:20:29,620 --> 00:20:32,260
And here's your copy
of the backsies receipt.

601
00:20:32,260 --> 00:20:33,660
So, who was the ghost?

602
00:20:33,660 --> 00:20:35,700
Oh, just some homeslice named Jason.

603
00:20:35,700 --> 00:20:38,100
Breaking news out of
the Williamsburg branch

604
00:20:38,100 --> 00:20:40,130
of Fidelity Sperm United!

605
00:20:40,130 --> 00:20:41,300
Sources confirm the woman

606
00:20:41,300 --> 00:20:42,540
found late last night

607
00:20:42,540 --> 00:20:45,070
was 33-year-old Samantha Cherry,

608
00:20:45,070 --> 00:20:48,380
who had been missing
since New Year's Eve 1999

609
00:20:48,380 --> 00:20:49,980
and presumed dead.

610
00:20:49,980 --> 00:20:51,980
Local officials say security guard

611
00:20:51,980 --> 00:20:53,610
Jeffrey Hale found the woman

612
00:20:53,610 --> 00:20:55,050
in an underground bunker

613
00:20:55,050 --> 00:20:56,280
she had been living in

614
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:58,350
for almost fourteen years.

615
00:20:58,350 --> 00:21:00,420
A noteworthy addendum to the story:

616
00:21:00,420 --> 00:21:01,560
Camomile White,

617
00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:03,160
of the popular reality show,

618
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:04,660
Midtown Manhattan Medium,

619
00:21:04,660 --> 00:21:06,290
was the reason officials originally

620
00:21:06,290 --> 00:21:10,260
called off the search for
Miss Cherry in early 2004.

621
00:21:10,260 --> 00:21:16,340
Your daughter, Samantha, isn't missing.

622
00:21:16,340 --> 00:21:17,570
She's dead.

623
00:21:17,570 --> 00:21:19,370
Ms. White gained national attention

624
00:21:19,370 --> 00:21:20,640
when she claimed to have channeled

625
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:21,980
Miss Cherry's ghost,

626
00:21:21,980 --> 00:21:23,180
communicating to her parents

627
00:21:23,180 --> 00:21:24,880
that Samantha was indeed dead

628
00:21:24,910 --> 00:21:26,180
and at peace.

629
00:21:26,180 --> 00:21:28,180
Distraught over her daughter's death,

630
00:21:28,180 --> 00:21:31,720
Samantha's mother committed
suicide two months later.

631
00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:33,150
One thing is certain:

632
00:21:33,150 --> 00:21:36,690
I would not want to be
Camomile White today.

633
00:21:36,690 --> 00:21:38,260
Up next: Tina,

634
00:21:38,260 --> 00:21:40,160
the story of how a cat

635
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:42,600
became friends with a porcupine.

636
00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:45,600
♪

637
00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:50,600
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