Ripped By mstoll
There's a social worker out there with my kids.
If this takes a while...
We've got them. Don't worry.
I just need the papers.
We're gonna begin now. You can sit next to him.
Wait.
- Ma'am... - Just wait!
Derek.
He was the love of my life.
He was.
I doubt I'll ever love another man the way I loved him.
I'm certain I won't.
How could I?
But he's gone. That's the point, isn't it?
He's gone, and I'm here, and, uh...
I'm here.
Are you okay?
Richard...
Hey, Torres, I need help on a hip disarticulation today.
- You want in? - Ooh. Maybe.
Uh, wait, you have to finish your story. So, you actually had to break his knee?
No. So, I had to shove the rod back in there even harder,
and it wound up cracking the tibial plateau.
- Can I help you? - You're hogging the pot.
Everything looks different now.
It feels so...
Different.
Maybe ask nicely, like a civilized human being.
- Callie? May I have the carafe, please? - Hmm?
Oh! Mmm-hmm.
See? It's quite easy, actually.
Really?
Hey, Mer, I heard there was weather near Dulles.
Derek's flight got delayed, didn't it?
I hate that airport.
Pierce, my gallbladder guy's pacemaker keeps misfiring.
You think you can take a look at it?
- Yeah, I could do it right now. - Hmm.
Derek is dead.
No, you can't. No, I need you to place an IVC filter
on my laminectomy patient.
Okay, right. Um, I could swing by in about 20.
Derek is dead.
What was that?
Derek is dead.
I don't know what to do.
I mean, I do...
I know what I should do, but...
I don't know.
Meredith...
- He's not dead. - Meredith, what do you mean?
- Meredith? - What do you mean?
- Meredith? Meredith? - What do you...
No!
I've lost him.
Everything changed, and now it's...
It's hard to accept it, I guess.
He's gone.
He's just gone.
And there's no getting him back.
Dr. Eisenberg, 4673. Dr. Eisenberg...
Y-you can't go in there.
- What? - Not until you've stopped crying.
Right.
Okay, okay. I know.
- Hey, how is she? - She's all right. She's dehydrated.
How's Amelia holding up?
What, she doesn't know?
She's in surgery. You know the protocol.
Yeah. I know the protocol.
Cervical spine is fractured.
So are both legs. Right foot has no pulse.
We're gonna need to stabilize his spine.
What did they say he was? A cop?
Yeah, he fell off a building under construction during a chase.
Sorry it took me so long.
- I was, um... - It's fine.
We brought him straight in from the helipad.
Central line is in. Transfuse him with two units of blood.
Torres, you should look at his leg.
Torres?
Yes. The leg.
All right, sir,
I need you to follow my light with your eyes.
All right, good.
Do you know where you are?
- Do you know your name? - Dan.
Pruitt. That's his name. Dan Pruitt. I, uh, treated him a few months back.
Pressure's dropping.
Let's start him on a dopamine drip and page general surgery.
Let's get moving! Put him under!
Can we have the room, please?
Did you need something?
Maybe we should have this conversation in my office.
Look, I don't have time for...
- Who died? - Amelia...
I know the face.
I've been here before.
Everyone thinks they are the first person in the world
to ever look at a human being like that, but...
It's always the same face.
- Who is dead? - Derek.
It's Derek.
I'm so, so sorry.
It was an MVC accident, and he wanted to help.
I don't need the details. Dead is dead.
I am so, so sorry.
- I wish there was something I could... - Thank you.
For telling me.
- Amelia, if there's anything I can... - I'm good.
I've done this before. I know the drill.
It's not a big deal.
Oh, my God.
This is a day for us to celebrate Derek Shepherd's life
and for each of us to say our goodbyes.
Every day we celebrate him in some way,
as a father, as a husband,
as a brother, as a friend.
It was a nice service.
I liked your poem.
If something happens to me, do not let them hook me up to anything.
Nothing. Understand?
Just donate my organs and let me go.
If that's what you want...
- Okay. - Okay.
But if something happens to me,
hook me up to everything and never let them unplug me.
- Ever. - Ben, I'm not joking about this.
Neither am I. I want to live.
I want extraordinary measures. The more extraordinary, the better.
Seriously.
Seriously?
No running ever.
That we'll take care of each other
even when we're old and smelly.
Tumor is here.
Now you've completely lost your mind.
"You're like coming up for fresh air."
It's you. It's always been you.
They offered me the job again.
Take it.
Someone doesn't want to put her shoes on.
Look, she's just so happy.
You don't have any idea what's gonna happen, do you?
Derek?
Richard, you can't leave me!
Richard, Richard!
I was swimming...
And I let go.
I stopped fighting.
Meredith, get up.
Zozo, honey, wake up.
Put these on.
Okay. You ready?
Where are we going?
Away, sweetie. We're going away.
Come on, sweetheart, let's go.
It's just so strange that she left with no warning.
She left a note.
Uh, "The kids and I are safe"? Yeah, that's helpful.
I called Yang again, but she hasn't heard from Mer since the funeral.
Are you serious? That was weeks ago.
Wha... Okay, I just don't understand.
I don't understand. I do not understand how you...
- You want to go to a meeting after this? - I'm good. Thanks.
Are you?
"So long, I'll see you later" or...
You're basically living at the hospital.
"...trouble due to the fact that I am all..."
I'm fine, Richard, really...
"...world right now."
I mean, she just dropped everything. Her patients, her surgeries.
Look, maybe it's time we hire a detective,
make sure she's really safe.
Yeah, I think we should call the police.
Mmm-hmm.
Okay, that's... That's enough.
Meredith Grey is not a missing person. She... She left a note.
She's not jeopardizing her kids. She's not an irresponsible person.
If she's gone, she's gone because she wants to be gone.
She's doing what she knows how to do. Same as her mother.
Ellis Grey left Seattle and never looked back.
So, that's it? That...
We just let her go?
You've reached Dr. Meredith Grey.
And time isn't the same over there.
Hours don't exist. There's only minutes, seconds.
- It's visceral and exciting. - But you're chief.
Well, not for the next few months. Webber is stepping in as interim chief.
The work I'll get to do is raw and urgent.
Kepner, you just feel so useful and good
at the end of every day,
and after everything that's happened here, I...
I'm ready.
I'm ready for this kind of change. I just need to feel...
Useful.
And good.
Yeah.
I don't care how sick the kids are. I'm not doing this next year.
Our patient has 60% surface area burns.
She was pulled from a house fire this morning.
- Are you even listening? - I'm... I'm sorry. I just...
You need to prepare yourself. Burns like this are...
Difficult. This will not be easy.
Hi, Anne.
Dr. Wilson and I are here to start your first dressing changes.
I'm so cold. I can't stop shaking.
I mean, isn't that weird, that... That I got burned and I'm cold?
Well, your skin and your nerves have experienced severe damage.
You are unable to retain heat or feel surface pain.
Dr. Wilson, do you want to walk Anne through
what we're gonna be doing today?
We'll debride the burns layer by layer until we expose healthy tissue
to help new skin grow.
And it hurts like hell,
so you might want to grab onto something.
The bed rails work really well.
- Who's that? - That... That's your neighbor, JJ.
She was admitted a couple weeks ago.
- Hello, JJ. - Oh, and do yourself a favor,
grab something to bite down on.
That's not... Thank you, JJ.
- Is she serious? - We've got you under sedation.
- Barely works! - Really, JJ?
We are going to do this as quickly as possible, okay, Anne?
Um, is my husband out there?
Oh, um, I don't see him, but we can track him down.
- S-should I... - Uh, sure, yeah.
Just... Just be quick, okay? Ready to get started?
Okay. You ready?
Okay.
Ow. Ow!
- Ow, that... That hurts! - I know.
Okay, you see, that's why
you want to get something to bite down on!
I... I never... I never said you were boring.
Don't deny it. I got the whole story out of a resident.
You thought I was boring. That's why we never had a second date.
And, uh...
Which resident told you this?
- I'm not gonna put my CI at risk. - Um...
That's a confidential informant. It's cop talk.
I'd elaborate, but you might think it's a little too boring.
Relax, I'm just messing with you.
Oh, okay, all right. Take it easy.
That graft we used to close your abdomen is breaking down,
and you're gonna need another series of surgeries
just to complete the closure, let alone to complete your spinal fusion.
What about my leg?
I know it's in pretty rough shape, but I'm gonna need it back
if I'm gonna go back to chasing crooks and leaping over rooftops,
you know, all that super-boring cop stuff.
Come on.
Don't make it that easy. Give a little back.
I can take it, you know?
Dan, I can't make you any promises about your leg.
I'm gonna do everything that I can,
but I am not confident that we'll be able to save it.
There's a very, very long road ahead.
Wow.
When you sling it back, you don't mess around.
But silver lining,
this means you'll have that much more time to fall in love with me.
Ow.
Your face... Priceless.
Yeah.
How is what you're doing any different than Meredith Grey?
We've been over this.
Because my husband didn't die,
because I'm not running away from anything,
because this is an incredible opportunity for me
to learn surgical techniques that I've never even dreamed of.
Jackson, it's only three months.
You could at least pretend to be happy for me.
Why? I don't like it.
I don't. It's dangerous.
I'm not gonna be fighting! I'm gonna be doing surgery.
I'm gonna be teaching, helping.
These are all things that you do here every day.
It makes me excited.
Happy.
Please... I need this.
I want it.
It's three months.
Flight 721 to Los Angeles...
My flight's about to board. I... Well, I can't leave if we're like this.
Will you at least kiss me goodbye?
Ready? One, two...
- You do know what you're doing? - I'm a surgeon.
Gonna ruin my day at the lake, poking a hornet's nest.
You know, that's a saying.
People do not actually poke the hornet's nest.
I didn't do it on...
- Ow! What's... What? - You baby.
And you want to be kept alive forever.
You can't deal with a pair of sharp tweezers.
You want to be intubated, catheterized, multiple IVs,
central lines in the neck and groin,
and bed sores all because you can't get it together,
let Jesus take the wheel.
What?
Look, look, if I am lying in a hospital bed
in such bad shape that it has reached that point
that some doctor is talking to you about extraordinary measures,
I am not gonna let Jesus
- take the wheel. - Oh!
No, you know when Jesus should've taken the wheel,
when he should've been flipping his turn signals a-and shifting gears?
When whatever bad thing that happened
to make me suffer a traumatic brain injury was happening,
but instead, Jesus was clearly out joyriding with someone else
because there I am gorked in a bed.
So, no, I'm not gonna let Jesus take the wheel.
I'm not gonna let Jesus anywhere near my damn car!
I'm driving!
No, science is driving.
I did not stab him in the neck with these tweezers.
I want that noted.
Hey. Anything today?
- No. You? - Nothing.
Still no word at all?
She doesn't reply to e-mails.
- Or her freakin' phone. - Two hours... Two.
For a routine neuro consult.
I get we're down a guy, but I'm sorry,
the board needs to get off their asses and hire a new neurosurgeon already.
- Don't make a scene. It's not worth it. - I know.
Well, it's irresponsible, is what it is.
It's bad management.
How hard is it to find more...
Really? Really?
You think that we need to just get off our asses?
We should do you that solid
because the loss of our colleague and friend
is all about your needs, your schedule?
You think that we should be sensitive to that?
How about you take a minute
to think about the person, the talent, the life that we lost?
How about you think before you start complaining
that Derek Shepherd's death has been inconvenient for you?
What just happened?
I made a scene.
Okay, these are hypertrophic bone spurs.
We just need to bite them off, and we'll be set.
- So, no foraminotomy? - I really don't think we need it.
Oh, really?
Because I'm not having any success with his leg.
He's probably gonna lose it
and Dan and I were hoping he's a viable candidate for a bionic prosthesis,
so if he's in chronic pain or in a c-collar for too long
and that delays rehab, which...
I realize this isn't the method my dear, dead brother would have used.
His method would actually be clunkier and offer less support than mine,
so let's do it my way.
I don't think Derek will mind, on account of he is dead.
- Cool? - Sure.
Totally, totally cool.
Great. Rongeur, please.
Ohh!
- No, it hurts more! - Honey, honey, you're doing great.
I know that it's painful, but that just means that you're healing,
and then the more you heal...
...the more your nerves regrow.
Yeah, isn't that a bitch? The better you get, the more it hurts.
And then they send Dr. Wilson in here.
What, all the ugly doctors are busy
so they got to enlist Snow White to come and peel us like a grape?
JJ, you're not helping!
No, no, actually, that's... That's funny!
She is...
I know.
I mean, seriously, they're sending in a Disney Princess,
so what does that make us?
The Seven Dwarves?
Two of them, anyway.
Okay, I'm, um... I'll be Burny, and you can be Screamy.
And... And, you know, there... There's...
There's that guy down the hall who just lost a leg and...
And that woman who's in the trauma room next to me.
And she was, like, dying,
but she wouldn't stop complaining about the service she was getting.
They can be dwarves, too.
- Stumpy and Bitchy. - Stumpy and Bitchy.
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay, I'm gonna go again.
I'm right here. I got you. It's okay. You're okay.
It's okay.
You know who they should've sent in here
was Mary friggin' Poppins.
I bet she had some morphine
in that bag of crap she carried around with her.
Okay, so we got, um, Burny, Screamy, Stumpy, Bitchy. Who else?
For God's sake, shut up!
Lance...
Okay, we're gonna take five, okay?
Lance?
He's just scared.
This is scary for him.
Then, um, he fits in perfectly.
Okay, we've got...
We've got Burny, Screamy, Stumpy, Bitchy, and Scaredy.
Yeah.
We should try to find her.
She's not a rogue agent. She's not on the lam.
She's a single mother with two kids.
- How hard could it be? - Really freakin' hard.
I called anyone I could think of...
Cristina, her father.
And then I thought maybe Webber was right,
maybe she followed in Ellis' footsteps.
So, I started calling hospitals in Boston
and asking for Dr. Grey just to see if anyone would answer.
Oh. Wow.
Yeah, here we go.
This isn't why I came to Seattle.
Ooh.
I didn't know exactly why I was coming, but...
I knew it had to do with finding out about my family,
and I found Meredith.
And then she...
I never felt abandoned by my birth mother.
My parents never let me, not for a second.
We were meant to be a family. I believe that. I know that.
But...
But I think this is how I would've felt...
If I had.
You've reached Dr. Meredith Grey.
Look, cut it out. It's not fair to any of us.
Just tell me that you're okay and that you're safe.
That's all. Just do that.
- Hey. - Hey.
Why haven't you been picking up today?
I... I've been working.
Okay, well, now I've only got a couple mikes, so...
- Who's... Who's Mike? What? - Mikes. Minutes.
I just... I... I have to hurry.
Oh, okay, well, only a couple more days of this, right?
Pretty soon, you'll be back here
and we'll be both on the same crazy schedule.
Yeah, right, that's what I have to...
Oh, I have a confession to make. Um...
- So do I. - We have a new couch.
There was an accident involving molé
and a really exciting National League playoff game, actually,
and, um, couldn't get the stain out, so just...
New couch.
I'm not coming home next week.
- What? - I just...
- I can't... - Apr...
...teaching people these techniques.
We've barely started.
I mean, the level of need here is so...
...children.
I mean, Jackson, if you were here, you'd know what I'm talking about.
It's just... Just, I don't feel like I'm done yet.
Understand?
I do.
And I don't. I mean, are you...
Are you telling me that's your decision or you want to talk about this now, or...
Well, now, uh...
No, I... I can't... I can't now.
Um, can I try you back at 1300 hours?
I'll be sleeping. That's like 3:00 a.m.
All right, so, when are you saying you can be home?
April?
- Jackson... - April?
This is such a lovely meal. Really nice.
More than nice.
You keep me on my toes, Catherine Avery.
You make me very happy.
Richard Webber,
if you are about to do what I believe you're about to do,
you should stop.
- Catherine... - No, please, please.
You should not be asking this question without knowing my answer.
Well, I thought I did.
We are not new to this.
We know better than to get caught up in some grand, romantic gesture.
We know what marriage really is. It's a merger, a contract.
No one should enter a binding contract
without careful, lengthy, practical consideration.
- Sounds so romantic. - No, and it shouldn't be.
You know what? Yes, it should.
You know, I pulled back on the romance tonight
because I knew...
If I could, I'd fill this room with roses.
I'd have invited all of our friends.
I would've hired a quartet or a soloist
or a damn mariachi band to start playing the minute you said yes,
because a proposal should be romantic.
It's... That's how I see it.
It's not a hollow gesture.
It's me telling you how much I love you.
But, um...
Clearly, we disagree.
I take it we're splitting the check?
Oh.
All right, where's the remote?
Splash on over to...
You know, people wake up.
Statistically, people don't wake up.
Well, who's to say I couldn't defy the odds
and... And be a miracle man?
There you go with the miracles again.
You believe in Jesus but you don't believe in miracles?
Um, Jesus didn't hook you up to a bunch of machines.
Jesus isn't an idiot.
Okay, you know what?
You and all your little snide comments, you can take them and you can...
- Oh, it's back on. - Mmm.
- Okay, see, she's about to die. - Oh, she's definitely gonna die.
Look at this guy's spinal abscess.
Sloppy.
- Who was the primary? - Dr. Nelson.
Oh, it figures.
If Derek saw this, he would roll over in his grave.
Can you actually do that? Roll over in a grave?
I mean, a casket's pretty snug.
There's not a lot of room to move in there.
More like shake.
If Derek saw this, he would shake in his grave.
- Shimmy, maybe. - Please stop.
Stop what?
You've been making a lot of jokes and comments about...
- My dead brother? - Yeah, which...
No judgment. It just makes me very uncomfortable.
Why? It's the truth.
He's my brother, and he's dead.
There are some...
I checked, and there are some grief groups that meet,
and I just thought, look, I can go with you.
My grandmother passed last year.
It would be really good for me, too.
Edwards, I have a morbid sense of humor, but I'm fine.
I don't need a group.
But thank you. It's very thoughtful of you.
- Okay? - Okay.
Let's just put it to rest.
Like my brother.
Ha!
You're doing great, Anne.
It's okay. Just keep going.
- Okay. - Tell me more about
how you're gonna fix me.
Okay, well, our next surgery is to remove skin from around your hips
and graft onto these cheek scars here and then here.
So, you're gonna chop off my love handles?
Did you hear that, JJ? I'm gonna get a smaller waist out of this.
They can take whatever they want off my ass.
When do we get started?
Well, I just need to get that infection in your nose under control
before we start the grafting procedures.
I see.
Yeah.
So, where's husband of the year today?
He was here this morning. Brought bagels.
She doesn't need bagels. She needs a hand to hold.
So, um...
So, it's still gonna be a little while
before we really get going with the grafts, huh?
Okay. Yeah, that's okay.
Excuse me.
Sorry about that.
No, no, no, no, that's dessert!
I am sorry, but that turkey is three hours away.
I didn't know it was gonna take all day.
Didn't your mother ever teach you how to roast a turk...
No, 'cause I never had a mother and I didn't have an oven in my car.
Point taken.
Doesn't help the fact that I'm starving.
- I have food. - Oh, my God, thank you!
Damn it, Alex.
Hey, it was a good effort,
but the only thing that bird is stuffed with is food poisoning.
Oh, my God, I'm so frickin' hungry! Ah.
- There. - Mmm. Mmm-hmm.
Hey. Hey, you're alive!
Alex, listen... I'm fine. The kids are fine.
We're okay. I'm fine. Please stop calling.
So, my partner says,
"Who's gonna play Santa at the holiday party?"
- And I say, "I don't know. I'm stumped." - Oh.
Please, that's the easiest amputation joke in the book.
Yeah.
You have plans for the holidays?
Um, yeah, my ex and I are splitting Christmas with our daughter,
so I get Christmas Eve this year, and she gets Christmas Day.
- Dr. Torres... - Well...
Callie... I need to say something.
- Dan... Mmm. - No, please, just...
Let me say this.
I think that I was...
- I was meant to meet you. - No, Dan, Dan.
Dan, Dan, Dan, let me say this.
When... When a doctor cares for a patient
for an extended period of time,
that care can often feel to the patient like, um...
... affection.
What? What?
I meant as my doctor, but please keep going.
- This is great. - Oh. Oh, my God!
Um, look, that first date, it sucked.
- Mmm-hmm. - I get it.
But it got me to you, and I think I needed you for this.
Like...
I couldn't have survived this without you.
So, thank you.
Merry Christmas, Dr. Torres.
Merry Christmas.
Tuck must've been not even slightly naughty.
Do not mock divorced-mother guilt.
Oh, hand me that bow.
What if I met Idris Elba?
What?
Well, you're hooked up to endless machines,
having the time of your brain-dead life with extraordinary measures,
and since you are technically alive,
well, then I'm not single, I am not a widow.
Years pass, and, uh... Okay, I'm not the kind of woman who...
Okay, there are people who think that sex isn't cheating,
there are people out there
who think that an emotional affair isn't cheating.
Well, I'm not either kind of person. It's all cheating.
Even though my husband is an idiot
who thinks that he will have that one-in-a-zillion chance...
No, look, there are documented cases of people waking up after years of...
There are documented cases of people
who've seen the Loch Ness monster, too.
So what?
I will be locked up like some nun,
withering and wasting away Ionely and alone
all because you're mad at Jesus, so I don't get to have Idris.
You're taking away my Idris chance.
- What? - Idris Elba!
He could come to Seattle, witness an accident, save a child's life,
carry that child in his arms, bare-chested,
into my trauma room. You don't know.
So, you're gonna pull the plug on me
so you can have your way with Idris Elba?
It's Idris Elba!
Oh, I ate too much pizza.
Second batch. Deck your halls, y'all!
I always hated eggnog. Why is yours so good?
Mine's mostly hooch.
- It's basically a bourbon milkshake. - Cheers to that.
Karev, that is definitely the saddest tree I've ever seen.
- Tell Robbins. - No, it's better than no tree.
Alex was like, "Why bother?"
And I said, "You have to have a tree at Christmas."
Otherwise, your soul is just curdled and you've given up on joy,
so I got a tree.
I started decorating it, and then some woman went into labor,
so I gave up.
"To Zola, from Sofia."
Sofia keeps asking,
"Mommy, maybe at Christmas, we'll see Zola.
"Shouldn't we get her a present?"
And I don't... I don't know what to say.
I mean, I don't know if they're ever coming back.
Hmm. I know the feeling.
So, I caved. I got a gift, just in case.
That's the spirit.
Hey, merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas! - You came!
Oh, I invited Richard 'cause he seemed a little sad and lonely.
- Is that okay? - Yeah.
I brought a Yule Log!
Yum!
Oh, here. Put it here. Or over there.
Move the dip.
- Hey. - Hey.
How's Karev's Christmas-not-Christmas thing?
Uh, it's okay. Karev scraped together some pizza.
I miss you. I wish you were here.
- I'm sorry. I... I tried... - Really?
You've extended this "tour of duty" thing three times already.
What does that make you, colonel now?
- Jackson... - April...
- It's Christmas. - I know that.
Don't you think I wish I could be there with you?
You could, actually. You haven't been drafted.
You should be here.
- We're supposed to be a... - We're supposed to have a child.
We were supposed to be celebrating Christmas together, the three of us.
And every time I think about that, I just...
Kepner, we got to pack up and bug out.
- What's going on? - Um...
No, it's fine. It's just some
insurgents that have been...
- What is happening? - Um, I... I got to go!
April? Hold on, April?
He's not worth it. He's not good enough!
If he can't make it with you through this, then he's not good enough for you!
- Finally! - Anne. Where does it hurt?
Are you in pain?
Her son-of-a-bitch husband shows up, brings her that Christmas present,
and told her that this was not what he signed up for,
and walked out on her!
Okay, okay, deep breaths. Okay.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna get you something to help you relax.
- He's an ass, sweetie! - Oh, yeah, he is an ass.
Shh.
Deep breaths, okay? Deep breaths.
You're okay.
But he's right. He didn't sign up for this.
Who would?
I mean, I've been here six months or seven.
I... I've lost count, and...
And look at me.
I'm disgusting!
He's married to burnt toast!
Who would want to be married to this?
Who would love this?
Anne, honey...
If this had happened to him, would you have left him?
Would you have loved him?
He's not good enough for you! He's not right!
This is the best Christmas gift you could've gotten,
knowing that he is not the man for you.
And you don't have to spend one more minute
with someone who is less than you deserve!
You get to start over.
It's a gift.
We're starting over.
Like it's our first Christmas, okay?
Right?
You know what we need?
We need a little holiday cheer up in here, right?
Yeah.
Oh, really? Really? Songs about roasting things?
That was an unfortunate choice.
Uh, all right.
No. No noses.
No noses and no fires.
Okay, um, how about,
I'll Be Home for Christmas?
I know you're not sleepy,
but you have to close your eyes or else he won't come.
- Will he bring me some toys? - If you go to sleep.
Will he bring me a baby sister?
Not tonight.
I wish Daddy were here.
Night-night, sweetie. Sleep tight.
I'm just not sure of anything anymore.
I keep going over it round and round, over and over again.
Like any other choice I make, might change things.
But no. This is the right place for me to be.
This is the right thing for me to do.
I know that. I just didn't expect that it would hurt quite this much.
Sweetie, don't go too far!
- Mommy. - Meredith.
- You grew up. - I did.
It's a shame.
It's awful being a grown-up.
But the carousel never stops turning.
And I want more. Of this, of us, of...
I want to have more.
- Another baby? - Sure.
Uh, seriously?
Listen, I love you, and you love me, and...
Whatever happens, I don't care.
No more doctors, no more labs,
and you and I, we have a lot of sex.
Maybe we can make a baby, maybe not.
Maybe you get Alzheimer's, maybe not, but this...
I am calling Post-it.
Zola and Bailey
and tumors on the walls and ferry boat scrub caps.
You're everything.
Meredith, I can't live without you.
I don't want to live without you.
And I'm gonna do everything in my power to prove it.
You've never lost the love of your life.
You have never cried over the body of the person
you love most in this world.
You...
You don't know how that messes a person up.
You've never had to claw your way back from that.
I can live without you.
But I don't want to.
I don't ever want to.
The carousel never stops turning.
You can't get off.
Sir, I hear you saying that you have no answers,
but I need you to have some damn answers!
That...
Hey.
- Is everything okay? - No, everything's not okay.
She should never have gone.
April should never have gone to a freaking combat zone.
I know. I know it's hard.
It's not just hard.
- It's... - Just... She lost a leg.
You know, with everything that happened this past year
with you and your baby, she...
She lost a leg.
And she's learning how to walk again, and you...
You have to let her do that.
Why? Why should I do that?
Why does she get to go off and put herself in danger
and just leave me here to...
If she lost a leg, then I lost a leg, too.
But guess what? I still get up every morning.
I face every day.
I don't get to jump on a plane and fly halfway across the damn world
so that all that April has left of me
is some crappy memory of me yelling at her from a picture on a phone!
Wait, what happened?
We were talking, and then there was gunfire, a lot of it,
and the call got cut off.
And I have not been able to get ahold of her since.
I don't know where she is.
I don't even know where she is.
All I'm saying is,
I just don't understand how you can know a man and love a man
and not see eye-to-eye with him on such a basic, fundamental thing.
Exactly.
Richard wants to propose by drowning me in flowers
and chocolate-covered rose petals.
You'd think a man would be grateful
for a woman who allows him to avoid that kind of nonsense.
Or maybe it's just not about you.
I beg your pardon?
Nothing. Sorry, none of my business.
Well, you seem to have made it
your business, so elaborate.
Please.
Maybe it just makes him feel good.
Maybe it's easier just to accept a bunch of dumb roses
than to ask a man to fundamentally change who he is
or do what makes him feel good, when what makes him feel good
is telling you how good you make him feel.
Maybe by not letting him give you that,
you're actually taking something away from him.
- Sorry. - No, it's...
You're protecting him. I understand.
Happy New Year! How are we feeling...
Good.
Sorry, we were up all night, and I know, I know that's bad,
but we wanted to watch the ball drop,
and then we started talking and we couldn't shut up.
So, I told her that I would take the first torture shift today.
- Okay. - Just let her sleep.
I feel like I fell asleep 10 minutes ago.
Did you know that JJ was a volunteer firefighter?
And then she gets burned at a... At a tailgate party for a Seahawks game.
We sort of died laughing at the irony,
and then we cried about it.
Then we laughed again.
I'm just gonna go grab something really quick.
Wait, stop. What's going on?
What's wrong?
Is it JJ?
Wait, I know something's wrong.
- Anne, you have to lay back. - JJ? JJ? JJ?
- You have to lay back. - No, no, no, no, no!
- You'll tear your skin. - No! No!
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. She's gone.
No, she can't be! She can't! I can't do this without her!
I can't do it alone!
I raised you to be an extraordinary human being,
so imagine my disappointment when I wake up after five years
and discover that you're no more than ordinary!
What happened to you?
You're ignoring me.
- Um, trying to. - You shouldn't ignore me.
Why not?
Because I'm someone you need to get to know to love.
- Really? - Oh, yes.
- So, if I know you, I'll love you. - Oh, yes.
You really like yourself, huh?
Just hiding my pain.
So, what's your story?
My mother tried to kill herself when I was a kid
after the love of her life disappeared.
I never told anybody that before.
So, you think I'm broken?
Is there a reason for this?
Because if you can think of a reason, any reason at all,
why the universe is so screwed up and random and mean,
Now would be an amazingly good time to tell me
because I really need some answers.
I know. I know you do. Come here.
I don't... I can't! I can't!
I don't...
Slow, deep breaths, slow, deep breaths.
Here. Take this. Slow down, slow down.
Just breathe in. Take a deep breath. Go.
You can say anything to me.
I want to marry you.
I want to have kids with you.
I want to build us a house.
I want to settle down and grow old with you.
I want to die when I'm 110 years old
in your arms.
I don't want 48 uninterrupted hours.
I want a lifetime.
He's gone, and I know he's gone.
And the bed feels lonely.
It's like I don't know how to sleep alone.
I miss you.
I believe that we can be extraordinary together
rather than ordinary apart, and I want to be...
Okay, now, go slow, okay? Go slow, concentrate, okay?
- You ready? - Yeah.
Holy crap!
- It's moving. - That's great. Great.
That's great!
- One more. - Yeah.
Yes, it's great!
That was the best first run of any patient I've ever had!
- You did it! - No, you did it.
I would never have done this without you.
Um, okay, I take it back. I take it back. It was all me.
No, no, no.
It was you. It was you, and it was me, and...
The reason that your brain can tell your new leg what to do is, um...
It all started because of these...
These, uh, badass little sensors
made by an amazing neurosurgeon who...
You're right.
We don't know why we meet the people that we meet, but...
I wouldn't be here without him.
He was a brilliant surgeon,
and he was a good friend.
And, uh...
And he would've loved this. He would've... He would've loved it.
Okay, anyway...
You want to go again?
- Absolutely, yeah. - Okay.
All right.
Hi, Laura.
I'm here to start your first dressing change, okay?
Now we're gonna debride the burns layer by layer.
That'll expose healthy tissue in order to help new skin to grow, okay?
You're gonna want something to hold on to.
Bed railings work pretty well. This is gonna hurt.
- Who is that? - That is your neighbor, Anne.
Oh, and do yourself a favor, find something to bite down on.
- Thank you, Anne. - I know the drill. Tell her.
Yeah, thank you, Anne.
- I'm gonna get started now, okay? - Mmm-hmm.
It's okay.
You're gonna be okay.
Hey.
Sorry, I should've called.
They ordered us out really suddenly, and I was hopping planes,
and then I thought maybe I'd surprise you,
but I can see by the look on your face that...
Oh, Amelia, hey, got time for a cup of coffee?
- Sorry, busy day. - Yeah.
Haven't seen you at a meeting in a while.
- A long while. - Like I said, really busy.
Edwards mentioned something about you...
Really? What else is Edwards saying?
I'm not accusing you.
I'm checking in. You know, I get to check in.
- That's the kind of friends we are. - I do not have time for coffee.
I do not have time for meetings.
I don't... My job is not to make you feel better about me.
My job is to make my patients get better.
Do you know what can happen
in the hour or two I would be wasting with you?
An hour or two matters! They matter to me.
They should matter to you. They matter to my patients.
If I leave and my patient dies, it's not me who will suffer,
it is his mother, his sisters, his friends, his wife,
and they will hate me.
With everything inside them,
they will hate me and you and everyone here
because they won't understand why he is gone,
why people always leave,
why everyone you give a crap about walks away
or is ripped from your world without warning, without reason,
in convenience stores and plane crashes
and podunk hospitals with podunk doctors
who don't do what they are supposed to do,
which is save people!
Hey.
It's good to see you.
Hey.
Feels like I've been away forever, but I see nothing's changed,
except they chopped down that old tree.
Yeah.
Okay, I'll...
I'll see you around.
I have a baggie full of black-market Oxy in my coat pocket,
and I'm trying to decide whether or not to take it.
I've got the Dead-Derek thing completely managed.
I know people were worried.
Since he died, everybody's been looking at me,
waiting for me to fall apart or freak out
or just...
...become a mess.
Like some bomb everyone thinks is supposed to go off.
My mother was calling three, four times a day.
Addison was calling... Everyone.
It makes sense.
It's natural.
Every man I've ever loved
has died.
Including my baby.
Thank you, universe.
So, I should be, like...
Greek tragedy, turned to stone, bat-crap crazy, but I'm good.
I got this. I am fine. I'm telling you, I'm amazing.
I am saving lives left and right.
I am putting butts in the seats in that O.R. Gallery.
I mean, people are fighting to hear me lecture.
I am entertaining. Joke, joke, joke!
I'm funny! I'm fun! I'm a party! I'm doing... I'm great!
I'm handling the Dead-Derek thing really well.
- Okay. - Except today, I yelled at Richard,
who was only trying to invite me for coffee,
and then I went and scored Oxy from this junkie doctor.
But you haven't taken any?
Not yet.
But I might.
That's the thing.
I really actually might.
I have been sober for 1,321 days, Owen.
I was fine. It was managed.
But I might.
All this stuff you're managing...
You're not supposed to be managing it.
You're supposed to be feeling it, grief, loss, pain.
- It is normal. - It's not normal.
It is. It is normal.
It's not normal to you 'cause you've never done it.
Instead of feeling it, feeling the grief and the pain,
you've shoved it all down and you do drugs instead.
Instead of moving through the pain, you run from it.
You...
Instead of dealing with being hurt and alone
and afraid that this horrible, empty feeling is all there is,
I run from it.
I run off, and I sign up for another tour of active duty.
We do these things.
We run off, and we... And we medicate.
We do whatever it takes to cover it up and dull the sensation,
but it's not normal.
We're supposed to feel. We're supposed to love,
and hate, and hurt,
and grieve, and break,
and be destroyed
and rebuild ourselves to be destroyed again.
That is human. That is humanity. That's... That's...
That's being alive. That's the point.
That's the entire point. Don't... Don't avoid it.
Don't
extinguish it.
Derek died.
He died.
I don't want to feel it. I... I don't think I can.
I don't think I even want to...
- I can't. I can't. I can't do this. - You have to. If you don't...
- No, I can't. Shh! I can't do this! - You... You have to.
If you don't, that bag of Oxy's not gonna be your last.
You're gonna be okay. You're gonna survive this, okay?
Everybody does.
It's perfectly normal. It's boring, even.
It's so normal.
Okay, Zozo, here's your snack, cheese, bananas,
and a little... Damn it.
It doesn't matter if I'm hurting, does it?
It doesn't matter if I'm alone. Where do I sign?
Ms. Grey, it's important you fully understand, by signing these,
you sign away all rights to your daughter,
now and in the future.
And I'm all alone.
Now I have to raise my daughter alone.
How am I expected to do that?
Mom...
I understand.
- It's okay if you need more time. - More time? More time?
I needed more time with him,
but it just keeps going forward faster and faster,
and there is no more time.
You can't go back. You can't press "pause."
The carousel never stops turning. It...
I don't need any more time. Where do I sign?
Damn it.
Actually, you know, Zo, I think maybe we'll take that, huh?
We'll put it in a baggie, and we'll...
Mommy!
It's okay, Zola. It's okay.
You're bleeding. There's blood!
Blood. It's just blood.
Mommy, should I call 911?
Not yet. Wait.
- Yes. Call. - Meredith,
don't be afraid. Don't be afraid.
911, what's your emergency?
My mother tried to kill herself.
My mommy needs help.
Are you the smart girl who knew how to call 911?
You might've saved your mother's life.
Dr. Grey, we're just about ready to start.
My kids? Where are my kids?
Stop it!
She shouldn't be in here. No, wait.
Don't touch me!
Derek! Derek!
Derek!
I don't want you to be alone.
If anything should happen to me, I don't want it to...
Just be you.
We would make pretty babies.
- So, you're thinking about it, then? - Oh, I'm thinking about it.
Wait.
Dr. Grey? Dr. Grey?
Your husband is here.
Hey.
Apparently, I'm your emergency contact.
- I had a baby. - I know.
Derek is dead.
I know.
Derek?
- If there's a crisis
You don't freeze.
You move forward.
You get the rest of us to move forward.
Because you've seen worse.
You've survived worse.
It's okay.
You go.
And you know we'll survive, too.
Hey.
Okay, sweetie. Okay.
Hey. Hey. It's okay.
It's all right.
Shh.
Baby's name is Ellis. Did you see her?
- She's beautiful. - Bet she looks just like you.
I didn't think I could do it.
Part of me thought, "What if I have this baby and just die?"
And then she arrived, and I saw her face,
and I saw him in her.
She's beautiful.
- Happy Valentine's Day. - Happy everybody's day!
Oh, my child is with his dad in Disney World.
- He's in the happiest place on earth. - Mmm-hmm.
I'm with you.
Naked, in this house.
That's a whole different kind of happy place.
Now everybody's happy!
Well, then, this is a very good time
to give you a present.
Ben! Is this the plane tickets to Paris?
Oh, 'cause if this is the plane tickets to Paris.
It's my living will.
It gives you full permission to pull my plug whenever you see fit.
No extraordinary measures, witnessed
and notarized.
- Miranda? - So, um, before,
you wanted to be kept alive.
Before, you wanted extraordinary measures
because you had this stupid idea
that you were gonna be a miracle man
and wake up and come back to me, but now
you signed the papers?
Well... Yeah.
I mean, that's what you wanted.
We've been going 'round and 'round about it for months,
and, I just got tired of arguing, so I decided to go ahead
and sign the papers.
Miranda?
Well, this was the meanest thing you've ever done.
What?
You no longer love me enough to hope for a miracle?
Oh, are you kidding me?
From the beginning, you were shouting, "Unplug me! Unplug me!"
Yeah, but you weren't supposed to do it.
I mean, you were, but you weren't supposed to want to.
Now you want to?
Miranda, why are you being so crazy about this?
What's going on?
Hey... What is going on?
I love you too much!
It's too much.
Okay, my first husband... Okay, if he left...
A piece of me always knew that I would be okay,
and when he did leave, I was, but you...
Ever since Derek died,
I sit up in the middle of the night, gasping for air, terrified.
I've been having these dreams that something happened to you.
So, if something happened...
I love you too much.
Like, you are a piece of me.
I love you.
So...
I need a plan. I need rules.
I need some order,
and I had just gotten used to your dumb miracle-man idea,
and now you're telling me you want me to pull the plug,
and I can't deal with that.
I... Mmm, just order and, uh, some rules
and a plan and some order in the middle of this,
'cause if I have to think about what could happen,
it's too much.
I promise... I promise
that I will let you die first.
That
is so wrong!
I love you too much, too.
Here, let's not think about this anymore, all right?
We can't plan. We don't know.
So let's ignore it
and just stay here in our bubble, all right?
Here, together.
In the happiest place on earth.
Richard Webber!
- Catherine? - I'm mad at you!
I'm doing something I swore I never would.
I'm asking a question when I don't know the answer
- because you... - What's going on?
Because you're worth me standing here like a fool,
announcing how I feel
in front of the entire hospital!
I love you, Richard Webber!
I love you.
And I would very much like for you to be my husband.
That is, of course, if you would like it, too.
Well, about damn time.
Come on, Zo, let's get Bailey and your little sister settled in.
Now, wait, hang on. Alex hosted a Christmas party?
Mmm. "Hosted" is a bit of an exaggeration, right?
Whatever. There was a tree.
Yeah, there was a sad, sad tree, God.
I have to believe there's a way.
There has to be a way to step off the carousel,
to start again, to start fresh.
There has to be a way to leave all my ghosts behind.
I'll see you around.
You're anything but ordinary, Meredith.
It's a choice.
It's a choice I'm making.
To move forward.
To move past this.
I can do that.
You ready for this?
I am.
10 blade.
All I have to do is begin.
Ripped By mstoll