♪ Thank you for being a friend
♪ Traveled down the road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidante
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me
♪ And the card attached would say
♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪
Well, it's unspeakable, that's what it is.
Absolutely unspeakable.
Oh, Blanche, are you pretending you just found your first gray hair again?
Dorothy, just because you have to walk around lookin' like an English lawyer
doesn't mean everybody has to.
For your information,
I'm upset because I had a date, and he canceled.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry. Was it anybody special?
Well, that's not the point.
He might have taken me someplace where I'd meet someone who is.
You know, it's amazing.
Beneath that thin veneer of superficiality,
somehow, miraculously,
there is another even thinner veneer.
What am I gonna do?
What on God's green earth am I gonna do?
You can stay home tonight.
We're gonna watch one of those John Bradshaw specials on PBS.
Yeah, we're gonna see if we can't get Dorothy's inner child to shut up.
Good luck.
I'll call Mel Bushman.
Of course. Mel Bushman.
Old reliable. Mr. Backup.
How long has it been?
What, three years that the two of you
have been insignificant others?
Yeah. Yes, it has been.
Mel and I have something really unique.
We're like - I don't know.
What do you call it when two people get together when they need somebody
but don't make demands on each other when they're apart?
Out-call massage.
That's odd. He's usually home by now.
Well, he is the zipper king.
Maybe he got stuck in traffic.
Ha-ha!
Tell me the truth.
Do these glasses make me look stupid?
Let's just say they don't hide it.
The consumer show asked me to test
these chemically treated lenses.
The theory is they don't fog up when you come in from the cold.
Excuse me.
Rose, you wanna run that looking stupid question
by us again?
I'm just doing my job.
Rose, leave the glasses in the refrigerator, close the door
and keep your head out here with us.
How will I know if they fog up?
The little man who lives in there
who turns the light on and off, he'll tell you.
I'm not in the mood for jokes,
especially about the little man.
You know he scares me.
It's really been hitting me lately.
Everybody's job down at the TV station
is exciting but mine.
Well, then why not look for a more challenging position?
I did hear something about an opening
for a weekend news reporter.
Oh, what am I talking about? I don't have any experience.
You don't need experience.
You've got the one thing every TV reporter needs -
hair that doesn't move.
Dorothy, Sophia, I told the news director
I was interested in the reporter's position, and guess what he did.
A Danny Thomas spit-take?
No, he's giving me an actual news story
to cover as an audition.
So I was hoping you could help me
get comfortable on camera
so I'll be ready when he gives me my assignment.
You know, Rose, that's not a bad idea.
This'll be the camera,
and let me see you interview Dorothy.
Oh, no, no, no. Not me, not me...
Oh, Dorothy, please. I'm not good at this.
This is a pretend microphone.
It's really just a hairbrush.
All right, Rose. Ready? Go!
This is Rose Nylund.
We're here chatting with my good friend Dorothy Zbornak.
Welcome, Dorothy.
Hello. It's a pleasure to be here.
So, can you tell me what it -
Oh. So tell me, Dorothy,
what's it like being a substitute teacher?
Rose, honey, excuse me, but I think you should take another tack.
I'm not saying that my job is boring...
Say it, Dorothy. Say it.
No, I just feel you should ask more probing questions.
Okey-dokey. Let's see.
Ah.
Isn't it a fact that you have a drawer full
of retirement home brochures
and you're just waiting for the first sign
of dribble on your mother's chin
to lock her away forever?
(laughs) She - She's kidding.
(laughs)
Your sock drawer, Dorothy.
You know, the -
the one you-know-who can't reach?
I knew you were keeping pictures there, but I had no idea.
You disgust me.
Look, I don't have to stand for this. Nail her, Rose.
Nail her. Remember, a good reporter
always gets her story, no matter what.
That sock drawer is my business.
Look, those times that Ma makes me crazy,
I go into my room and have some pretend time, OK?
This is Rose Nylund signing off in a sad, sad situation.
Thanks, Dorothy. That was fun.
Girls, I do not know what I'm gonna do.
I called Mel all last night and all of today.
I haven't gotten through to him yet. Oh, the nerve.
If you wind up having to read a book
because of that man...
Where can he be?
He never leaves the house, not even for me.
What is this Bushman-ia all of a sudden?
This is a man you see, what, five times a year?
A man you yourself describe
as "Fred Flintstone with a better car."
Well, I may say things like that, but the truth is
Mel makes me feel young
and beautiful and special.
When we're together, we laugh a lot.
Why wouldn't you? You're both naked.
There's more to Mel and me than just the physical, Sophia.
We share things.
I couldn't be intimate with just anybody.
Oh, yeah? What about the guy who painted our address on the curb?
You make it sound like it was a one-night stand.
He'll be back when it's faded.
Honey, Mel's probably just busy with work,
not answering the phone.
You'll reach him. You always do.
Dorothy's right. You're worrying for nothing.
I remember back in St. Ol-
Hold it right there, Will Rogers.
None of us is in the mood to hear one of those St. Olaf stories.
Well, then, here's one against your will.
But to show you I'm a good sport,
I'll get right to the part that'll make Blanche feel better.
Ah. Anyway...
...everybody in the village hated Ingmar.
So we grabbed our torches
and climbed the hill to his castle
and pounded on the great oak door,
but there was no answer.
So we got a ladder, climbed up to the window, and we peeked in,
and to our relief, there was Ingmar lying on the -
Oh, wait a minute. He was dead.
Oh, my God, Dorothy, what if she's right?
What if something's happened to Mel?
Good going, Rose.
Girls, I'm frightened. You gotta go with me.
I gotta go check on Mel. Oh, of course, honey.
But I'm telling you, you have nothing to worry about.
Way to go, Rose. I thought you said that story would help.
Well, it did.
You don't know how long I've been waiting to get that one off my chest.
Oh, my God.
There must be two weeks' worth of papers here.
Now calm down honey. This doesn't say "dead."
It says...
OK, let's get this over with.
Maybe we better think this over.
We don't have any right to go breaking into somebody's home.
We're not breaking in. I have a key.
Let's see.
"Baldwin,"
"Baxter"...
Ah, here it is. "Bushman." No.
Oh, that's Al Bushman.
Here we go. "Mel Bushman."
You know, girls, I've been thinkin'.
Ever since Mel and I met,
I always figured he'd be around when I needed him,
but I never thought about his needs.
All I cared about were mine.
I just always figured he'd be available, and he was.
Oh, girls, he's always been there for me.
I just took him for granted.
Oh, honey, honey, don't do this to yourself.
You take everyone for granted.
Thank you, Dorothy.
Well, so far nothing seems out of place.
Look at this Exercycle. It's never been used.
Oh, yeah, we've been on it. Don't ask, Ma.
Oh, Dorothy, look.
The zipper king's one millionth zipper.
Ohh. I will never be able to look at another zipper
without thinkin' of Mel.
Let it go, honey. Let it go.
Mel, is that really you?!
No, it's Claus Von Bulow.
Oh, Mel, it's great to see you.
Blanche thought you were dead.
She did? I love it.
What makes you think something could kill Mel Bushman?
Where have you been?
I was on a vacation. What's the big deal?
What made you think I was dead?
If Mel Bushman doesn't answer my call, then something must be wrong.
You weren't there when I needed you.
You're always there when I need you.
Well, when you deliver such services,
every once in a while, a man's gotta take a vacation.
All that matters now is you're alive.
You're alive, and we're together,
and I'm never gonna let you go.
Tell me she's being dramatic.
When I thought I would never see you again,
I began to realize just how much you meant to me
and how much I've taken you for granted
and how many things I never had a chance to say to you.
What I'm trying to say
is I realize how much you mean to me
and that I don't need anybody else.
I wanna be a one-man woman, and you're it.
Mel Bushman, I love you.
I'm all ready for my big date.
What big date? You're going out with Mel Bushman.
I know. Isn't it wonderful?
Tonight, Mel and I are starting a brand-new relationship.
Do you realize how rare it is
to find out the person you've been sleeping with
is the person you love?
No, but you can't go by me. I have morals.
Oh.
Girls, great news.
I got my assignment, and it's a biggie.
Oh, yeah, a biggie. Real big.
Big, big, big. Cat show?
Dog show.
Miami's 13th annual.
Oh, that's right, ladies.
This afternoon, I'm gonna get the scoop on man's best friend.
Oh, congratulations, honey.
I know you're gonna do a great job.
Oh, I just wish my mother and father were here to see this.
Because they'd be so proud of you?
No, because they'd be alive.
Oh! My God, I've got goose bumps.
Mel will be here any minute.
Why are you so jumpy? You've been out with Mel a thousand times.
I know, but now there's more at stake.
Everything's changed. It's all new and exciting.
In many ways, I feel just the way I felt when I was a virgin.
You mean, the feeling isn't gonna last long?
Are you implying I lost my virginity at an early age?
I'm just saying you're lucky Jack and Jill magazine didn't have a gossip column.
Ma!
Please, Pussycat, I'm on a roll.
I'm sorry, Sophia, but I am not gonna let your skepticism
ruin my entire evening.
Mel and I were meant to be together.
I wish I could say the same for your thighs.
God, I'm hot tonight.
I'm not gonna stand for this. Take it, Dorothy.
But I'll bet you'll lay down for it.
Well, that was just plain rude.
Some people just don't know when to quit.
Look how they pamper these dogs.
They eat when they want to, sleep when they want to,
go to the bathroom anywhere they -
Hey, I do have it pretty good.
Now, if I could just get you to crack the window
when you lock me in the car...
Ma, stop it. Now, I want you to behave yourself.
We're here to give Rose moral support on her big day,
and I don't want you doing or saying anything to embarrass her.
Hi, girls. Oh, hi, Rose.
This is Andy. He's my cameraman.
Andy, these are my friends.
Where do you think we should set up?
I'm not sure, Mrs. Nylund. To tell you the truth, this is my audition, too.
How about over there?
Whatever you say. Whatever you say.
The blind videotaping the blind.
Here goes.
And... we're rolling.
We're here at the 13th annual Miami Pet Dog Expo,
where you're going - All right, everybody, hands up!
All right, you, behind the desk, I want the cash.
Everyone else, I want wallets and jewelry! Move it!
For God's sake, we've gotta do something.
But he's got a gun. What are we gonna do?
I'm gonna do the only thing a good reporter can do.
Get the story no matter what.
All right, now you just point your camera
and do exactly as I say.
Give me the ring.
Yes! Hurry up!
This'll be far enough.
Thanks very much for making this evening a total disaster.
Sweetheart, give yourself some credit.
It wouldn't have been a total disaster without you.
Oh... really, Mr. "No Guy With an Earring Parks My Car"?
My God. You'd think an elegant restaurant like that
would bring out the best in a man.
What it brought out was $250 from my wallet.
It was a special occasion.
Where I come from, $250 is 5 special occasions...
and a bottle of Scotch.
You'd think for all that money, they'd hang a picture on the wall.
The minimalist décor
is designed to enhance conversation.
Nothing to look at, what's to talk about?
I would think I would be enough.
Talk about you? We didn't have to go out on a date to do that.
You think I'm borin'?
No, sweetheart, I think you're fantastic.
With a guy like me, a little fantastic goes a long way.
I mean, look what we got now.
Every couple of weeks you call me when one of your boyfriends don't show up.
I tell ya, "Bushman awaits."
We rent a movie, we order some takeout,
we talk about you.
That's entertainment.
I love that.
And we cuddle.
Sometimes we do more than cuddle.
Sometimes you stay.
That's the part I like the best -
when you stay.
Every couple of weeks, you bring a little class to Bushman's place.
Why, Mel Bushman, are you sayin' you love me?
Yeah. I love you.
I love you the way we are now.
But, sweetheart, you start with relationships and love,
and I gotta put on a tie twice a week to eat food I can't even see...
I mean, we got a problem.
I guess that without thinkin' about it,
you've become a very comfortable part of my life.
When I thought you were... gone,
suddenly life wasn't so comfortable anymore.
I really missed you.
Nah, you missed knowing Bushman awaits. Mm.
Hey, I haven't spent this much time thinking about feelings
since we rented the Alan Alda collection.
Mel, I think it's pretty obvious
our new relationship just isn't gonna work out.
I don't think so.
Why don't we call it off and go back to being friends?
I got a great idea. Why don't you come over to my place?
I'm hungry. I'll go to Wolfie's, get some pastrami.
We can rent Out of Africa.
We've rented it five times and never made it through to the end.
I know, but it always works.
I do love you, Mel, as a friend.
Like I said, sweetheart, you got a lot of class.
Life sucks.
Hi, Mel.
You run on home, and I'll be over soon as I check on Rose.
Bushman awaits.
I didn't get it. What?
I didn't get the job!
Oh, Rose, your little dog show not go well?
I'm so sorry. Let's talk about me, then.
Blanche, Rose did something absolutely incredible tonight.
There was a robbery at the dog show.
Ma and I were held hostage.
Rose was the only reporter there.
Well, shoot, I missed everything.
Let's see the tape. OK.
This is Rose Nylund for Channel 8 News
here at the Miami Pet Dog Expo,
and I am an eyewitness to something shocking...
(gunshots)
...people who look like their dogs.
I said keep quiet and don't move!
That handsome fella you see back there with his hand in the air
is Brian Kingsley of Boca Raton.
With him is his best buddy Barney,
a basset hound you'd swear was a member of his family.
As we move closer,
you'll notice Barney's collar
matches Brian's Rolex.
What do you think so far?
I'm glad I wasn't there. TV does put 10 pounds on you.
I'm here beneath the information table
with Bill Peterson and his similarly profiled bulldog Churchill.
It's amazing. That bulldog could be your brother.
But I guess you get that a lot. Actually, I do.
(gunshots)
Uh, could we discuss this later?
Wow.
Oh, thank you, Blanche, but there's more.
The police have just informed me
that there was also a robbery by an unidentified man.
Perhaps this little fella knows who he is.
I did that last part after everything quieted down.
I thought it would kinda tie things together.
(all) Wow.
You didn't cover the robbery at all?
Was I wrong again?
I mean, I could have covered the holdup,
but it would have seemed like I was giving in to sensationalism.
I'm a reporter, damn it.
They sent me to cover a story, and that's what I did.
I don't believe this.
Rose, this was the opportunity of a lifetime,
a one-in-a-million shot.
How could - How could -
How could they not have given you the job?
Maybe the issue here is one of -
Oh, God, what can we call it?
Editorial judgment.
Really? You think so? Oh, yes, Rose.
Yes, I do.
I guess it just isn't the story they wanted.
Damn, you're good.
Thank you, Dorothy.
That makes me feel so much better.
To tell you the truth, I'm still not ashamed of what I did today.
If Deborah Norville stopped for every serious news story that happened around her,
she wouldn't be where she is today.
Well, Bushman awaits.
You know, I learned something tonight.
A relationship is more than sex and fun
and videos and good times.
Thank God this isn't a relationship.