♪ Thank you for being a friend
♪ Traveled down the road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidante
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me
♪ And the card attached would say
♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪
Well, I'm off.
That would be my diagnosis.
No, I mean I'm going out.
Ma, put down the binoculars. No, I need them.
I lost my glasses, and I'm not supposed to drive without them.
Let's analyze this for a moment.
You're now what, about 200 years old?
About.
You have no license. You're not allowed to drive.
Curses!
Dorothy, good, I'm glad you're here.
I want you to help me go through these papers.
They're to authenticate my family tree. Oh.
Tomorrow I have to present it out loud
at the "Daughters of the Old South" initiation banquet.
You're not really gonna go through with this, are you?
Well, indeed I am.
This club is a link to the proudest of all heritages.
I remember, growin' up in Atlanta,
how us girls used to pretend to be Confederate belles,
and we'd receive gentleman callers.
Got to be like a competition.
In fact, I once received seven callers in one evening.
I'm just thinking out loud,
but isn't Atlanta where the Center for Disease Control is?
Coincidence.
Hey, these are all right.
When I look through them backwards, you actually look demure.
Ma, get new glasses, all right? (doorbell rings)
Why must you always make such a big deal out of everything?
Who's making a big deal out of it? I'm not making a big deal out of it.
Hi! Hi, Barbara.
We got a call at the police station about lost glasses.
You got my message. How many men you got on this?
Well, none really.
I did check, and nobody reported any lost glasses.
Not lost. Stolen. I want cops on this.
Big, burly, steroid-crazed cops. Oh.
Sophia.
Oh, fine, get one for Blanche, too.
Throw it on my tab.
As long as I'm here, I should tell you
there's been complaints from the neighbors about the noise at night.
Which neighbors? Well, me.
Which noise? Well, you.
Well, get earmuffs. I pay my taxes.
Ah, Rose, another date with Karl tonight, huh?
You must really like this guy.
I do. Karl is sweet, and he's supportive.
He understands that I still have feelings for Miles.
Rose, Miles is in the Witness Relocation Program.
You're not supposed to be telling people about him.
I didn't tell him Miles ratted on a gangster named The Cheeseman.
He just knows there's somebody I can't see anymore.
Oh, Karl is quite a guy.
Lately I've been dreaming about him at night, not Miles.
Although I do have one dream that both Karl and Miles are in.
Ohh.
And?
OK.
And Captain Kangaroo.
Oh, and look here, Dorothy.
This is my grandmother Marcelle Daboval.
Pure Southern, through and through. Oh, Blanche, I'm sorry.
I just don't like the idea of this club.
It seems so discriminatory.
There is nothing wrong with being proud of what you are.
This club celebrates those individuals
who can prove they come
from 100% Southern Confederate stock.
And if you can't, then fiddle-di-doo to you.
Do you have any idea how much that hurts?
Ladies and gentlemen, Roy Orbison.
Ma, where did you get those glasses?
They're an old pair of Pop's, but at least they've got prescription lenses.
You can't possibly see through them.
Take them off before you hurt yourself.
No, they're great. I see just fine.
Who's the black guy?
I'm about done with this side of the family tree.
I think you have the papers there from the Roquet marriage.
Yeah, wait a minute. Oh, yeah, here. Mm-hmm.
Walker Roquet married Rosalyn Roquet, 1861.
Rosalyn was fro- Uh-oh. What?
I hate telling you this, Blanche...
No, that's not true.
I look forward to telling you this, Blanche.
The woman your great-grandfather married
was born, well, outside of Georgia.
How far outside of Georgia?
Buffalo.
You're a Yankee, Blanche. Well, no, this can't be.
A Yankee Doodle.
There must be some mistake.
You are that Yankee Doodle gal.
Let me see the certificate.
I want to see with my own eyes that my great-grandmother was... that thing you said.
A Yankee. Right.
A Yankee Doodle. Oh, stop it.
Oh, my God.
Oh, did I mention her last name was Feldman?
Aw, no. Oh, no, no, no.
No, it can't be. I can't be Jewish.
I'll be damned.
The black guy is prejudiced.
This information will have no bearing on my getting into
the "Daughters of the Old South. " I'll just lie.
Oh, Blanche, this is ridiculous.
Why should you have to lie? You're only one-eighth Yankee.
That's right. I'm seven-eighths' Southern. That's more than enough.
And if they don't let you in, instead of saying "fiddle-di-doo,"
well, you can always switch to...
♪ Deedle didle deedle dum
Thanks for a lovely evening, Karl.
Rose, I've got an idea.
What do you say we go away for the weekend?
Karl, I'm not sure I'm ready to.
It's because of this Miles guy, right?
I don't want to push you, but I just wish I knew what I was up against.
I mean, who is this guy? What did he do?
Where is he now?
I wish I could tell you,
but I really don't know anything about him anymore.
When I knew him, he was a professor at a college. That's hard to believe.
It's one of the few places they have professors.
No. Yeah. No, I know that.
I meant... I can't believe he left someone like you.
He left someone else like me?
No. I mean you.
That he left you.
Oh.
OK.
I should be more clear.
That'd be great.
Listen, check with me later about the weekend.
I just want to be sure I'm ready, and that it's right.
I'll give you a ring. I can't accept jewelry.
I mean, I'll call you soon.
I mean, I'll call you, Rose, soon...
and the phone will ring.
Oh, he really understands me.
Rose. Rose, it's me.
Mi- Miles?
I beg your pardon.
I'm sure Blanche will be out any minute.
No, Rose, Rose, it's me.
Miles?
I've come back, Rose. I had to see you.
But you've changed.
Well, I'm Amish, Rose.
That's my new identity in the Witness Protection Program.
See, I'm an Amish man. I live on an Amish farm.
I carry wood, I dig holes and I milk things.
And to be frank... it sucks.
I've missed you, Rose. Oh, I've missed you, too, Miles.
No, no, Rose. My name is now Samuel.
Samuel Plankmaker.
Isn't it dangerous for you to be here?
You might have been followed.
Oh, no, I took all kinds of precautions.
I even switched buggies on the way over.
Rose, of course, you can't tell a soul who I am.
Oh, don't worry. Your secret is safe with me.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Boy, you find out you're a Jew with a dilemma,
and these rabbis just come out of the woodwork.
Rose, who is this?
This is... This is a friend.
His name is Samuel. Samuel Plankmaker.
Samuel, these are my roommates.
Girls, you know Miles. Samuel!
Shoot! Sorry.
Well, I'm sorry, ladies.
It's me. I was hoping to play a trick on you.
Silly Rabbi, tricks are for kids.
Look, ladies, I know it's a lot to ask, but I just had to see Rose.
I can't risk leaving, at least not tonight.
I need to stay here, if you'll let me.
Come on, Plankmaker. I'll fix up a room for you.
Thank you.
I just want to go on record as saying I am against this.
That Cheeseman character could be following Miles,
and there's no telling what he would do to me for information.
Blanche, you are really so self-centered.
In the first place, no gangster is going to come here.
And secondly, Blanche, this is important to Rose.
Aren't you interested in Rose's happiness?
Happiness? I'm supposed to be happy?
Just when I was getting on with my life,
Miles shows up, and for a visit.
He can't even stay.
How am I gonna move on?
How is my heart ever supposed to heal with Miles here?
Do you really think I'm self-centered?
Huh?
Come on, ya'll, hurry up.
Excuse me, folks. I've gotta make a quick phone call.
Rose, would you mind getting me some punch?
He's gonna be late for the initiation ceremony.
Oh, take it easy, Feldman.
Hello, Billy Club? It's me - Moran.
No, Moran The Cheeseman.
Look, I need some fake ID to get out of the country.
Yeah, I think my girlfriend's about to blab.
(laughs)
Well, thank you, Evelyn and Margaret,
for that gripping and realistic reenactment
of the defeat of General Burnside's troops at Fredericksburg.
(applause)
It's hard to believe you couldn't get federal funding for this.
Mom says "hi."
I'm sorry, what?
Rose, what's going on with you?
You've been acting strange lately.
Seems like you're hiding something from me.
Oh, honey, I can't lie to you. It's just not fair.
I have been hiding something from you.
I can't tell you where he's been, but Miles is back.
He's staying with me.
I understand, Rose.
And don't worry about your secret.
It won't go any further than me.
Now it's time to meet our new applicants
and hear their lineage presentations.
So let us begin with Mrs. Louise Blakely.
Blanche, there is still time to back out.
Do you really think you can go up there and betray your heritage?
Dorothy, I belong in this club.
Why, I'm just as Southern as the fruit of a scuppernong arbor
growing proudly by the lazy Mississippi.
Lawdy, Lawdy, are you full of it.
...who married my Great Aunt Annalou Sellers,
cousin to Claude Livaudais,
who begat Elizabeth Blasingame.
Wait a minute. Did you say Claude Livaudais?
Yes.
My great-grandfather told stories
of Claude Livaudais.
He once sold horseshoes to a Union soldier.
Yankee.
No, no, I can explain.
Fie. Traitor.
Oy vey.
Well, that was a close one.
We now call Blanche Devereaux.
Dorothy, I can't see a thing. What's happening now?
The Harlem Globetrotters just took the court.
Hello, ladies. I want to thank you for making time for me.
But I wonder if, instead of reading my family tree,
if I couldn't just say a few words
about what the South means to me.
Oh, no. We need your family tree.
I see. OK.
Well, I am Blanche Devereaux,
nee Hollingsworth, of Atlanta,
daughter of Curtis Hollingsworth
and Samantha Roquet
of Augusta and Shreveport,
daughter of -
I can't do it. I...
Daughter of Feldman.
I'm a Feldman, damn it.
Of Buffalo. (all gasp)
Oh, ladies, now, please, I beg of you.
Let us put aside our ancient prejudices and change these rules.
Oh, ladies, let my people in.
No. Next up, we have a lady actually...
I would like to say something else, if you don't mind.
Please let me in. No!
Next up - That wasn't what I was going to say.
Yes, I am a Yankee, but hath not a Yankee eyes?
Hath not a Yankee hands?
If you prick us, do we not bleed?
If you tickle us, do we not laugh?
Sometimes all night. I've heard her.
My point is, I am made up of many ingredients,
but perhaps that is what gives me
my uniquely American flavor.
Yes, for I am an American,
and I'm leavin'.
I don't need your lousy club to make me feel special.
Oh, please? (all) No!
Oh, you lost the war. Get over it.
Let's go.
Oh, honey, I hope you're not too upset
about not fitting in with those dreadful people today.
Those small-minded peckerwoods aren't real Southerners.
I am a real Southerner.
Real Southerners are compassionate people.
They're wise and gentle, and they sit around on porch swings,
regaling with stories of Abraham and Moses...
and all the other people who worked on the plantation.
Well, I sent Karl home.
Now I just have to talk to Miles.
Talk to Miles? You seeing somebody else, Rose?
Ah, I can explain. No, I understand.
Oh, Rose, of course, you're dating.
That's why I've come to a decision.
I'm going to Washington, talk to the Bureau.
I am leaving the Witness Protection Program.
I just know I need to be with you.
But the Cheeseman is looking for you.
Rose, don't worry.
So, hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Oh, my God! You! How did you find me?
Time to say goodbye, buddy boy.
Karl, Miles,
as flattering as this is, I...
I don't want you fighting over me.
What? Karl? Is this the man you've been seeing?
Uh-huh. But don't worry. He's just a little jealous.
Got some bad news, Rose. It's not you he's after.
He's using you to get to me.
This is the Cheeseman. Oh! My -
I'll have to figure out what to do with you.
Wait a minute. You can't come into this house waving that gun around.
Although it is a very nice one.
What is this, a Colt?
Oh, I knew all along it was a bad idea to let Miles stay here.
I'm too young to be struck down by a madman's bullet.
I've gotta find some way out of this.
(doorbell rings) I'll get it.
No one moves... and no one makes a sound.
We all stand still until they leave.
Don't make a move, old lady.
Nice way to talk to your mother, Pussycat.
Who is it? Put these on and find out.
My glasses. Where did you find them?
I'm afraid Dreyfuss was the culprit. He got them off the lanai.
You should really keep that gate closed. Anybody could get in here.
It's great. I can finally see again.
Hey, it's the Cheeseman.
Come on, get in here, both of ya.
Sophia, you recognize Karl as the Cheeseman?
You don't? The man's been on America's Most Wanted at least six times.
The last episode was the highest rated ever.
Ever.
That must be a good feeling.
Well, it's kind of an acknowledgement.
I hate to interrupt you, but I have some bad news.
It's all over. That's right, you're busted.
Barbara's a cop.
In a dress, without a gun.
So, basically, what you have here is a crossing-guard thing.
All right, all you gals are gonna get locked up in a closet,
and us boys are going for a little walk.
Wow. Were you ever activities director
of a place called Shady Pines?
We got a lot of old business to discuss, mi amigo.
An awful lot.
Isn't there anything you can do, Barbara?
I suppose I could do this.
All right, Cheeseman, you're under arrest.
You told us you didn't have a gun. You lied.
To a bad guy. It's OK to lie to a bad guy.
You see that?
There's so many things we, as the public, don't understand.
I'm gonna take this creep out front and read him his rights.
Somebody call the station and tell 'em to get here,
and I need handcuffs, right away.
Oh. Oh, OK, you can borrow mine.
But please be careful with them. They're a gift.
Ma, why don't we make that phone call from the kitchen?
Rose...
Rose, it's over. I'm a free man.
I can be with you now, if that's still what you want.
Oh, that's all I've ever wanted.
But you have to promise me never to leave me again.
Well, sweetheart, I might have to for a little while.
Back on my farm in Pennsylvania,
I still have an order in for 13 windmills.
Oh, screw 'em. What are they gonna do, phone?