1
00:00:02,268 --> 00:00:05,603
♪ Thank you for being a friend
2
00:00:05,605 --> 00:00:09,207
♪ Traveled down the road
and back again
3
00:00:09,209 --> 00:00:12,044
♪ Your heart is true
4
00:00:12,046 --> 00:00:16,948
♪ You're a pal and a confidante
5
00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:19,984
♪ And if you threw a party
6
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♪ Invited everyone you knew
7
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♪ You would see the biggest
gift would be from me
8
00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:31,797
♪ And the card attached
would say
9
00:00:31,799 --> 00:00:38,035
♪ "Thank you
for being a friend" ♪
10
00:01:06,765 --> 00:01:10,435
Hi, girls.
Oh, Rose, I missed you at breakfast.
11
00:01:10,437 --> 00:01:12,337
Did you and Miles
have fun last night?
12
00:01:12,339 --> 00:01:15,340
Oh, yes. We had dinner
at the Mandarin Rathskeller,
13
00:01:15,342 --> 00:01:17,542
that new Chinese-German
restaurant.
14
00:01:17,544 --> 00:01:19,411
How was it?
Oh, the food was good.
15
00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:22,414
But an hour later,
Miles and I were both hungry.
16
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:23,748
For power.
17
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:25,117
(laughing)
18
00:01:25,119 --> 00:01:27,486
(doorbell rings)
19
00:01:27,488 --> 00:01:31,455
Oh, my, that provincial
Midwestern sense of humor...
20
00:01:31,457 --> 00:01:33,824
that everybody hates.
21
00:01:35,194 --> 00:01:38,763
Yes? Hello. I'm Detective
Parres, Dade County P.D.
22
00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:41,466
Does a Sophia Petrillo
reside here?
23
00:01:41,468 --> 00:01:44,169
This is my mother.
Is there a problem?
24
00:01:44,171 --> 00:01:45,904
I'd just like to ask
a few questions.
25
00:01:45,906 --> 00:01:47,805
I've got nothing to hide,
copper.
26
00:01:47,807 --> 00:01:50,041
Or do you prefer "flatfoot"
or "gumshoe"?
27
00:01:50,043 --> 00:01:52,343
Before my mother
lost it completely,
28
00:01:52,345 --> 00:01:55,279
she watched
a lot of James Cagney.
29
00:01:56,649 --> 00:01:58,549
They colorized him.
Can you believe it?
30
00:01:58,551 --> 00:02:00,118
Let the man rest.
31
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:03,421
He's got hair the color of Rose's
and more rouge than Blanche.
32
00:02:03,423 --> 00:02:07,292
Whatever you think she did,
she's guilty. I saw her.
33
00:02:07,294 --> 00:02:10,228
Please sit down.
34
00:02:10,230 --> 00:02:12,030
Mrs. Petrillo,
35
00:02:12,032 --> 00:02:15,233
where were you on the night
of September 4th, 1985?
36
00:02:15,235 --> 00:02:17,935
Did you see Awakenings?
Throw a ball at me.
37
00:02:17,937 --> 00:02:19,937
How the hell should I know?
38
00:02:19,939 --> 00:02:22,674
I don't even remember what
color underwear I'm wearing.
39
00:02:22,676 --> 00:02:25,243
Ma, the beginning of September.
40
00:02:25,245 --> 00:02:27,912
That's when Shady Pines
burned down
41
00:02:27,914 --> 00:02:30,548
and you came here
to live with us.
42
00:02:30,550 --> 00:02:32,183
Oh, yeah.
43
00:02:32,185 --> 00:02:34,953
I'm not wearing underpants.
44
00:02:34,955 --> 00:02:36,721
Mrs. Petrillo,
45
00:02:36,723 --> 00:02:39,057
were you acquainted with
the late Maria Heartgrove?
46
00:02:39,059 --> 00:02:42,928
She died? Good riddance.
God rest her soul.
47
00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:44,929
We have a deathbed confession
from her
48
00:02:44,931 --> 00:02:47,165
stating that the two of you
started the Shady Pines fire.
49
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:50,402
Why, that's ridiculous.
What did you do?
50
00:02:50,404 --> 00:02:52,937
She claimed that
on the night of the fire,
51
00:02:52,939 --> 00:02:55,974
the two of you were
in your room cooking s'mores.
52
00:02:55,976 --> 00:02:58,143
Nonsense. I don't even know
what s'mores are.
53
00:02:58,145 --> 00:02:59,911
You remember, Sophia.
54
00:02:59,913 --> 00:03:02,814
They're those little toasted graham
cracker and chocolate sandwiches.
55
00:03:02,816 --> 00:03:04,950
Marshmallow.
Don't forget the marshmallow.
56
00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:07,686
Whoops.
57
00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:09,553
In her deposition,
Mrs. Heartgrove said
58
00:03:09,555 --> 00:03:12,223
that you were in possession
of an illegal hot plate,
59
00:03:12,225 --> 00:03:15,393
and while you were cooking,
the curtains caught on fire.
60
00:03:15,395 --> 00:03:18,396
Then you panicked and fled, and
the fire continued unchecked.
61
00:03:18,398 --> 00:03:21,265
Now wait just a minute.
This is crazy.
62
00:03:21,267 --> 00:03:23,267
Do you have any proof?
63
00:03:23,269 --> 00:03:25,704
Did anybody find
that alleged hot plate?
64
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:27,439
Presumably it was lost
in the fire.
65
00:03:27,441 --> 00:03:29,373
Maria was just out to get me.
66
00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:32,744
She was always jealous because
I still had my own hair.
67
00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:34,679
I'm sorry, Mrs. Petrillo.
68
00:03:34,681 --> 00:03:37,381
I have no choice
but to bring you in
69
00:03:37,383 --> 00:03:39,450
on a charge of negligent arson.
70
00:03:39,452 --> 00:03:42,586
My mother is 85 years old.
Surely you -
71
00:03:42,588 --> 00:03:45,556
I'm sorry. The law
recognizes no age limits.
72
00:03:45,558 --> 00:03:48,893
Mrs. Petrillo,
you're under arrest.
73
00:03:56,135 --> 00:04:00,104
Well, all's well that ends well.
What?
74
00:04:00,106 --> 00:04:02,274
It's a title
of a Shakespeare play.
75
00:04:02,276 --> 00:04:05,243
Rose, nothing is well,
and nothing has ended.
76
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:08,113
Sophia's out on bail,
awaiting her trial.
77
00:04:08,115 --> 00:04:11,349
Well, if Dorothy had said it,
you'd think it was brilliant.
78
00:04:12,652 --> 00:04:15,053
So this is life on the outside.
79
00:04:15,055 --> 00:04:17,489
It's changed.
80
00:04:17,491 --> 00:04:19,791
You've all gotten so old.
81
00:04:19,793 --> 00:04:22,494
Ma, knock it off.
You were gone an hour.
82
00:04:22,496 --> 00:04:24,496
If anyone's upset,
it should be me.
83
00:04:24,498 --> 00:04:26,498
I had to dig up the bail money.
84
00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:28,500
Please. How do you
put a price tag
85
00:04:28,502 --> 00:04:30,568
on getting your mother back?
86
00:04:30,570 --> 00:04:34,104
What was it, $500?
5000.
87
00:04:34,106 --> 00:04:37,107
Wow. I better improve
my attitude around here.
88
00:04:37,109 --> 00:04:38,375
(doorbell rings)
89
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:44,515
Well, Herb, here you are.
Hi. Hi.
90
00:04:44,517 --> 00:04:48,320
Girls, this is Herb
Shrewsbury, our lawyer.
91
00:04:48,322 --> 00:04:50,254
So, what are my chances,
shyster?
92
00:04:50,256 --> 00:04:52,657
Or do you prefer
"ambulance chaser"?
93
00:04:52,659 --> 00:04:55,459
Ma, he's here to help you.
Are you nuts?
94
00:04:55,461 --> 00:04:57,595
If it helps.
95
00:04:57,597 --> 00:05:00,731
Well, the trial is set
for a month from now,
96
00:05:00,733 --> 00:05:03,968
so I'm going to need
some character witnesses.
97
00:05:03,970 --> 00:05:05,636
Maybe you should start
by interviewing me.
98
00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:07,605
I would make
a wonderful witness.
99
00:05:07,607 --> 00:05:12,076
I can't tell you how many times
I've been badgered by lawyers.
100
00:05:12,078 --> 00:05:15,380
Well, I could, but it
might sound like boasting.
101
00:05:15,382 --> 00:05:18,349
Oh, the stories
I could tell you about me.
102
00:05:18,351 --> 00:05:21,018
You're not gonna
believe this, but I...
103
00:05:21,020 --> 00:05:23,721
I shall become
a great Southern writer,
104
00:05:23,723 --> 00:05:25,255
carrying on the tradition
105
00:05:25,257 --> 00:05:27,892
of the other great
Southern writers like...
106
00:05:27,894 --> 00:05:29,827
uh...
107
00:05:32,064 --> 00:05:34,065
...all those
that are so famous
108
00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:36,668
they need not be mentioned.
109
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:40,104
Oh, girls, it's gonna be so exciting.
I am gonna make a fortune.
110
00:05:40,106 --> 00:05:42,940
And I won't even have to
use my imagination.
111
00:05:42,942 --> 00:05:45,009
My life is a romance novel.
112
00:05:45,011 --> 00:05:48,880
Your life is a sports page.
113
00:05:48,882 --> 00:05:52,517
Listen. Tell me I can't do
better than this in my sleep.
114
00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:54,385
"He grabbed her.
115
00:05:54,387 --> 00:05:57,988
"She could feel his fingers
pressing into her moist flesh.
116
00:05:57,990 --> 00:06:01,359
"Her heart was pounding,
her loins on fire
117
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:05,130
as he spun her around,
her dress ripping open..."
118
00:06:05,132 --> 00:06:07,898
You know how many times
I've experienced that?
119
00:06:12,338 --> 00:06:15,940
Your loins have been on fire?
120
00:06:20,346 --> 00:06:22,880
Yes.
121
00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:24,482
"She melted into his -"
122
00:06:24,484 --> 00:06:28,286
Where exactly are your loins?
123
00:06:28,288 --> 00:06:30,287
Rose, it doesn't matter.
Just listen.
124
00:06:30,289 --> 00:06:32,456
"She melted into his arms,
125
00:06:32,458 --> 00:06:35,226
faint now with the
animal musk of him..."
126
00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:38,862
I didn't know people had loins.
127
00:06:38,864 --> 00:06:42,567
I've heard of loin of pork,
but...
128
00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:45,236
In her case, the same thing.
129
00:06:48,073 --> 00:06:51,943
Isn't this exciting -
taking part in a protest?
130
00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:55,346
Standing up as free Americans
and exercising our right to say,
131
00:06:55,348 --> 00:06:58,783
"We're mad as hell and we're
not gonna take it anymore."
132
00:06:58,785 --> 00:07:02,086
I'm out of spit.
Can I go now?
133
00:07:03,222 --> 00:07:05,422
20 envelopes
and you're ready to quit?
134
00:07:05,424 --> 00:07:08,493
We joined the Friends
of Sea Mammals for a reason.
135
00:07:08,495 --> 00:07:10,929
You are so unmotivated.
136
00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:15,333
Well, when I joined this
Mammals With Blowholes thing...
137
00:07:17,303 --> 00:07:21,239
...I didn't expect to be carrying
picket signs on some grungy dock.
138
00:07:21,241 --> 00:07:24,742
I was hoping more for a
fund-raiser cocktail party
139
00:07:24,744 --> 00:07:27,878
with Chinese lanterns
and Portuguese -
140
00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:31,716
no, Hispanic waiters
in tight black pants.
141
00:07:33,151 --> 00:07:36,120
And we hire a band
to play fish songs
142
00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:40,157
in pirate suits
with muscles bulging.
143
00:07:50,369 --> 00:07:53,404
Your mouth is watering now, Blanche.
Keep licking.
144
00:07:57,242 --> 00:07:59,743
Herb, I'm aware
of how important it is
145
00:07:59,745 --> 00:08:02,180
to make a good impression
in court.
146
00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:05,249
Tell me, what do you think
would move the jury more -
147
00:08:05,251 --> 00:08:08,119
cleavage or a lot of leg?
148
00:08:08,121 --> 00:08:10,855
That depends
on what you're going for -
149
00:08:10,857 --> 00:08:14,124
a chuckle or a guffaw.
150
00:08:15,794 --> 00:08:20,965
Blanche, I think a conservative
ensemble is in Sophia's best interest.
151
00:08:20,967 --> 00:08:23,201
Oh, there'll be music?
152
00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:26,404
Ma, where you going?
153
00:08:26,406 --> 00:08:29,507
If he puts you three
on the stand, up the river.
154
00:08:36,281 --> 00:08:39,417
Ma, what are you doing up?
I can't sleep.
155
00:08:39,419 --> 00:08:42,153
I keep trying to think back
on that night at Shady Pines.
156
00:08:42,155 --> 00:08:45,423
And?
And we're out of toilet paper.
157
00:08:45,425 --> 00:08:48,326
I told you, Dorothy,
I can't remember a thing.
158
00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:50,194
Just because
your memory is fuzzy
159
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:52,029
doesn't mean
that you're guilty.
160
00:08:52,031 --> 00:08:54,098
Doesn't mean I'm innocent, either.
Ma!
161
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:57,302
Let's face it. I've done some
pretty peculiar things in my day.
162
00:08:57,304 --> 00:08:59,303
Of course, I've got an excuse.
163
00:08:59,305 --> 00:09:02,506
I'm an old lady.
I left my mind in the '60s.
164
00:09:02,508 --> 00:09:04,908
Dorothy,
have you seen my teeth?
165
00:09:07,579 --> 00:09:10,715
They're in your mouth, Ma.
I know that.
166
00:09:10,717 --> 00:09:12,716
Don't they look good today?
167
00:09:12,718 --> 00:09:15,052
I ran them
through the dishwasher.
168
00:09:17,122 --> 00:09:19,923
Ma, listen to me.
169
00:09:19,925 --> 00:09:24,362
You got Martha Raye
and Madge mixed up again.
170
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:27,331
Morning, Blanche. Morning, Ma.
You sleep well?
171
00:09:27,333 --> 00:09:29,801
No. I had that
recurring nightmare,
172
00:09:29,803 --> 00:09:32,637
the one where I'm in bed
with Warren Beatty and he says,
173
00:09:32,639 --> 00:09:35,239
"Sorry, this is too sick,
even for me."
174
00:09:36,441 --> 00:09:40,044
Well, now I know why
Hemingway killed himself.
175
00:09:40,046 --> 00:09:42,880
Oh, girls,
I have writer's block.
176
00:09:42,882 --> 00:09:45,783
It is the worst feeling
in the world.
177
00:09:45,785 --> 00:09:49,987
Try ten days without
a bowel movement sometime.
178
00:09:59,064 --> 00:10:03,500
You just sit there,
hour after hour after hour.
179
00:10:06,238 --> 00:10:08,405
Tell me about it.
180
00:10:10,275 --> 00:10:13,978
Frisk me. Oh, Ma, stop that.
What are you doing?
181
00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:15,846
Just frisk me. Frisk me.
182
00:10:15,848 --> 00:10:18,583
It's important practice for me
if I'm going to prison.
183
00:10:18,585 --> 00:10:20,318
Ma, you are not going
to prison.
184
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,687
Now think back.
185
00:10:22,689 --> 00:10:24,288
Shady Pines.
186
00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:27,591
What was the last thing
that you remember
187
00:10:27,593 --> 00:10:29,460
before that fire?
188
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:30,961
Meat loaf.
189
00:10:30,963 --> 00:10:34,232
Nine days in a row.
190
00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:35,966
Their only witness is dead.
191
00:10:35,968 --> 00:10:37,968
That ought to work
in our favor.
192
00:10:39,738 --> 00:10:42,506
Dorothy,
that hot plate was mine.
193
00:10:42,508 --> 00:10:44,708
I made s'mores all the time.
194
00:10:44,710 --> 00:10:46,743
I hated Shady Pines.
195
00:10:46,745 --> 00:10:50,881
I can't remember,
but I know I did it.
196
00:10:50,883 --> 00:10:53,951
I must have.
197
00:10:53,953 --> 00:10:56,087
I'm goin' to prison.
198
00:11:06,298 --> 00:11:09,700
Ma won't come out of her room.
She's miserable.
199
00:11:09,702 --> 00:11:12,103
Just to keep me up to speed,
Dorothy -
200
00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:14,105
it's this negligent arson rap
201
00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:18,709
and the prospect of spending the rest of
her waning years in jail thing, right?
202
00:11:18,711 --> 00:11:22,113
No, it's the "Rose
in the kitchen" thing.
203
00:11:23,381 --> 00:11:25,382
I just hate to see Sophia
so unhappy.
204
00:11:25,384 --> 00:11:28,385
I wish there was something we
could do to make her feel better.
205
00:11:28,387 --> 00:11:31,222
I mean, we're always there
when we need each other.
206
00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:34,225
You know, if I have a problem,
Rose is there for me,
207
00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:36,493
and if Dorothy has a problem,
I'm there for her.
208
00:11:36,495 --> 00:11:38,729
I wish I knew what to do.
209
00:11:38,731 --> 00:11:41,799
All right. All right.
I can pick up a cue.
210
00:11:41,801 --> 00:11:43,901
Picture it.
211
00:11:43,903 --> 00:11:47,004
Sicily, 1912.
212
00:11:47,006 --> 00:11:50,808
A beautiful young peasant
girl with clear olive skin
213
00:11:50,810 --> 00:11:54,378
meets an exciting
but penniless Spanish artist.
214
00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:56,680
There's an instant attraction.
215
00:11:56,682 --> 00:11:58,883
They laugh, they sing,
216
00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:01,085
they slam down
a few boilermakers.
217
00:12:02,254 --> 00:12:04,288
Shortly afterwards,
he's arrested
218
00:12:04,290 --> 00:12:08,892
for showing her how he can hold his
palette without using his hands.
219
00:12:13,599 --> 00:12:15,465
But I digress.
220
00:12:15,467 --> 00:12:19,336
He paints her portrait,
and they make passionate love.
221
00:12:19,338 --> 00:12:22,806
She spends much of the next day in
the shower with a loofah sponge
222
00:12:22,808 --> 00:12:25,843
scrubbing his fingerprints
off her body.
223
00:12:27,146 --> 00:12:29,547
She sees the portrait
and is insulted -
224
00:12:29,549 --> 00:12:31,549
it looks nothing like her -
225
00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:34,651
and she storms
out of his life forever.
226
00:12:35,821 --> 00:12:38,856
That peasant girl was me
227
00:12:38,858 --> 00:12:42,392
and that painter
was Pablo Picasso.
228
00:12:48,666 --> 00:12:52,302
Ma, I have a feeling you're lying.
Be positive, Dorothy.
229
00:12:52,304 --> 00:12:55,106
OK, I'm positive you're lying.
230
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:57,074
This is terrible.
231
00:12:57,076 --> 00:13:01,179
Trick move from your
checkers-by-mail partner?
232
00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:03,481
No, it's from the company
Charlie worked for.
233
00:13:03,483 --> 00:13:06,851
They've gone bankrupt
and so has their pension fund.
234
00:13:06,853 --> 00:13:09,419
I'm not gonna be getting
pension checks anymore.
235
00:13:09,421 --> 00:13:11,823
I can't afford to live
without that pension.
236
00:13:11,825 --> 00:13:15,092
Let's not panic. I'm sure
they can't just cut you off.
237
00:13:15,094 --> 00:13:17,728
She's right.
There has to be a good explanation.
238
00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:20,464
You'll call them tomorrow.
Everything will be fine.
239
00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:23,301
What if it's not?
What if I can't pay my own way?
240
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:25,602
What if I can't afford food?
241
00:13:25,604 --> 00:13:28,806
What if I have to sleep
outside in some park?
242
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:31,675
There's an old Italian saying
for times like this.
243
00:13:31,677 --> 00:13:34,078
Scappa.
Tu si mal fortuna.
244
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:35,279
What does that mean?
245
00:13:35,281 --> 00:13:38,515
Get away from me.
You're bad luck.
246
00:13:40,719 --> 00:13:42,954
OK, that's it.
Drink this.
247
00:13:42,956 --> 00:13:44,888
It's a secret potion
from the old country
248
00:13:44,890 --> 00:13:46,824
guaranteed to put you to sleep.
249
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:48,626
Looks like milk.
250
00:13:48,628 --> 00:13:52,329
Trust me, Rose.
Drink it. Slowly.
251
00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:54,965
That's right, down the hatch.
252
00:13:56,301 --> 00:13:59,370
We call this Sicilian Sominex.
253
00:14:01,039 --> 00:14:03,407
Now, you might feel
a slight tingling,
254
00:14:03,409 --> 00:14:06,710
but believe me,
you'll sleep like a baby.
255
00:14:09,915 --> 00:14:13,217
I don't feel any tingling.
When's it gonna hit me?
256
00:14:13,219 --> 00:14:14,885
Sophia!
257
00:14:16,087 --> 00:14:18,088
Oh, I just had
a terrible thought.
258
00:14:18,090 --> 00:14:20,157
What if, in some weird way,
259
00:14:20,159 --> 00:14:23,027
all this was true
and Ma went to jail?
260
00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:25,296
Oh, my God.
261
00:14:30,736 --> 00:14:32,936
This is very important, Rose.
262
00:14:32,938 --> 00:14:37,608
It might take a couple of hours,
so relax and get comfortable.
263
00:14:37,610 --> 00:14:41,711
The last time someone said that
to me, I had two pigs on my back
264
00:14:41,713 --> 00:14:44,882
and I was pushing
a wheelbarrow.
265
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:45,983
Why?
266
00:14:45,985 --> 00:14:48,085
To relax and get comfortable.
267
00:14:48,087 --> 00:14:50,454
OK, now, where should I begin?
268
00:14:50,456 --> 00:14:53,290
Let's see. I think the one
thing you need to know is
269
00:14:53,292 --> 00:14:55,960
that I'm the one around here
with the level head,
270
00:14:55,962 --> 00:14:57,661
the real voice of reason.
271
00:14:57,663 --> 00:15:00,831
I haven't been this scared
since 1952
272
00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:03,467
when St. Olaf's
most active volcano
273
00:15:03,469 --> 00:15:05,269
threatened to erupt.
274
00:15:07,205 --> 00:15:09,940
Luckily there were some Druid
priests who were in town
275
00:15:09,942 --> 00:15:12,543
for the opening
of Stonehengeland.
276
00:15:12,545 --> 00:15:14,778
They said they could stop it
277
00:15:14,780 --> 00:15:18,916
if they could sacrifice
the town's dumbest virgin.
278
00:15:21,352 --> 00:15:25,189
I don't know why
I raised my hand.
279
00:15:29,127 --> 00:15:32,029
It must have just been
the excitement of the moment.
280
00:15:32,031 --> 00:15:34,698
But they said the only way
to prevent the eruption
281
00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:37,634
was for me to crawl through
their legs up the volcano
282
00:15:37,636 --> 00:15:40,004
while they gave me
my birthday whacks.
283
00:15:40,006 --> 00:15:44,508
Well - and you're not
gonna believe this -
284
00:15:44,510 --> 00:15:48,879
it turns out they weren't
Druid priests at all,
285
00:15:48,881 --> 00:15:52,950
just a bunch of Shriners
looking for a good time.
286
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:57,421
All creatures must learn
to coexist.
287
00:15:57,423 --> 00:16:01,592
Back where I come from,
they do.
288
00:16:01,594 --> 00:16:04,661
That's why the brown bear
and the field mouse
289
00:16:04,663 --> 00:16:08,532
can share their lives
and live in harmony.
290
00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:11,768
'Course, they can't mate
or the mice would explode.
291
00:16:15,974 --> 00:16:19,109
You want me to drive tonight, Dorothy?
Oh, Rose, listen.
292
00:16:19,111 --> 00:16:21,879
I'm not going
to the meeting tonight.
293
00:16:21,881 --> 00:16:25,182
Oh? How come?
I'm not comfortable there.
294
00:16:25,184 --> 00:16:28,319
I'm not comfortable with the
people, with the whole thing.
295
00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:30,353
But you need the group support,
Dorothy.
296
00:16:30,355 --> 00:16:33,390
It's not a good idea
to go it alone.
297
00:16:33,392 --> 00:16:36,126
Did I ever tell you about
my cousin Vigdov Frickin?
298
00:16:38,130 --> 00:16:41,165
He tried to go it alone
in a three-legged race.
299
00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:43,434
Well, you know
what happened to him?
300
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:44,802
Please. Please, Rose!
301
00:16:44,804 --> 00:16:48,639
I don't want to hear
about your Frickin cousin.
302
00:16:50,442 --> 00:16:53,444
That was
very interesting, Rose,
303
00:16:53,446 --> 00:16:55,446
but now that I've heard you,
304
00:16:55,448 --> 00:16:59,483
I think I'll probably
just plead insanity.
305
00:16:59,485 --> 00:17:02,153
You look perfectly sane to me.
306
00:17:02,155 --> 00:17:04,321
High praise indeed.
307
00:17:07,292 --> 00:17:09,860
Pussycat, when I go to trial,
308
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:12,396
will you be
a character witness for me,
309
00:17:12,398 --> 00:17:14,398
tell them I'm sweet and cute
310
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:17,101
and don't have it in me
to harm a fly?
311
00:17:17,103 --> 00:17:19,203
What, you want me
to perjure myself?
312
00:17:19,205 --> 00:17:20,438
Basically.
313
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:23,774
Ma, don't worry.
Everything's gonna be fine.
314
00:17:23,776 --> 00:17:26,276
Thank you for trying
to cheer me up, Pussycat.
315
00:17:26,278 --> 00:17:29,713
You're always there for me.
I appreciate that.
316
00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:31,915
We're there for each other.
317
00:17:31,917 --> 00:17:35,018
I don't know of any other
mothers and daughters
318
00:17:35,020 --> 00:17:38,589
who have gone through half
of what we've gone through.
319
00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:42,326
I can't tell you how much
it meant to me when you and I...
320
00:17:42,328 --> 00:17:44,828
Two-and-a-half hours.
I thought you died.
321
00:17:44,830 --> 00:17:48,232
What's wrong with you?
Nothing.
322
00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:51,202
Who are you?
I'm the doctor.
323
00:17:51,204 --> 00:17:54,004
We'll see about that.
324
00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:55,773
Look, Mrs...
325
00:17:55,775 --> 00:17:57,407
Petrillo.
I'm Dorothy's mother.
326
00:17:57,409 --> 00:17:59,409
I wanna know
what's wrong with her.
327
00:17:59,411 --> 00:18:01,679
Don't tell me "nothing," because I
know there's something wrong with her.
328
00:18:01,681 --> 00:18:04,682
Mothers know. Look, Ma, I'll
talk to you about it later.
329
00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:07,051
Your daughter is fine,
Mrs. Petrillo.
330
00:18:07,053 --> 00:18:08,552
100%?
100%.
331
00:18:08,554 --> 00:18:09,954
Tip-top?
Tip-top.
332
00:18:09,956 --> 00:18:11,822
Then, Mr. 100% Tip-top,
333
00:18:11,824 --> 00:18:13,958
why the hell
does she feel like hell?
334
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:16,727
Look, Ma... Wait.
I gotta hear this.
335
00:18:16,729 --> 00:18:19,363
It could be functional.
Functional?
336
00:18:19,365 --> 00:18:20,664
Mental.
337
00:18:20,666 --> 00:18:22,232
Mental.
338
00:18:22,234 --> 00:18:24,434
Well, let me
tell you something,
339
00:18:24,436 --> 00:18:27,505
Mr. 100% Tip-top Mental,
340
00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:30,073
my daughter
may be no spring chicken
341
00:18:30,075 --> 00:18:32,910
and her jaw might crack
when she chews...
342
00:18:35,212 --> 00:18:37,481
...and she may have
noticeable trouble
343
00:18:37,483 --> 00:18:41,318
digesting raw vegetables,
344
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:44,522
but one thing she's not
is mental.
345
00:18:44,524 --> 00:18:47,791
Thanks, Ma.
346
00:18:49,327 --> 00:18:51,395
OK, girls, I'm ready.
347
00:19:02,974 --> 00:19:06,143
Well, Rose, do I look like
the mayor of Palm Springs?
348
00:19:08,980 --> 00:19:13,483
Doug Henning is the mayor
of Palm Springs?
349
00:19:16,421 --> 00:19:19,856
Just play the music, Rose.
350
00:19:19,858 --> 00:19:23,160
(♪ "I Got You Babe"
by Sonny Bono)
351
00:19:48,853 --> 00:19:51,888
♪ They say we're young
and we don't know
352
00:19:51,890 --> 00:19:56,359
♪ We won't find out
until we grow
353
00:19:57,895 --> 00:20:00,697
♪ I don't know
if all that's true
354
00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:05,168
♪ But you got me
and, baby, I got you
355
00:20:06,570 --> 00:20:09,106
♪ Babe
356
00:20:09,108 --> 00:20:11,975
♪ I got you, babe
357
00:20:11,977 --> 00:20:14,244
♪ I got you, babe
358
00:20:14,246 --> 00:20:18,115
You know, Ma, I guess we do
have a good relationship.
359
00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:19,582
It's always been good.
360
00:20:19,584 --> 00:20:22,252
I know we never did some of
those mother/daughter things -
361
00:20:22,254 --> 00:20:24,021
baking cookies, dressing alike,
362
00:20:24,023 --> 00:20:25,889
braiding each other's hair.
363
00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:29,560
Yeah, but wasn't it great
making fun of those who did?
364
00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:31,262
It sure was.
365
00:20:31,264 --> 00:20:32,662
But come on, Ma.
366
00:20:32,664 --> 00:20:35,665
The truth is, we have done
our share of fighting.
367
00:20:35,667 --> 00:20:38,068
Of course we fight.
We're Italian.
368
00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:40,938
We like to fight.
It's our way of showing love.
369
00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:43,640
Though I don't know if there was a
lot of love that time that we...
370
00:20:43,642 --> 00:20:45,141
Hi, Ma.
Gimme your watch.
371
00:20:45,143 --> 00:20:47,143
Sure. What do you
want it for?
372
00:20:47,145 --> 00:20:49,979
I'm working on a magic act for
the talent show at the center.
373
00:20:52,883 --> 00:20:55,985
Abracadabra, 1, 2, 3.
374
00:20:58,623 --> 00:21:02,660
Ma!
Relax.
375
00:21:02,662 --> 00:21:06,263
Dorothy, was your card
the ace of spades?
376
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:09,099
Ma, what the hell
are you talking about?
377
00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:13,069
I think I got chapters
seven and nine mixed up.
378
00:21:15,372 --> 00:21:17,374
Ohh.
379
00:21:17,376 --> 00:21:20,177
This watch is broken.
380
00:21:20,179 --> 00:21:24,048
Ma, Stan gave me that watch
when we got married.
381
00:21:24,050 --> 00:21:26,749
The marriage never worked.
Why should the watch?
382
00:21:28,719 --> 00:21:31,821
I waited up for you
until two in the morning,
383
00:21:31,823 --> 00:21:34,425
and you still weren't home.
384
00:21:34,427 --> 00:21:36,793
Oh, yeah. Gertie and I
and some of the girls
385
00:21:36,795 --> 00:21:39,697
went to Wolfie's
to pick up guys.
386
00:21:39,699 --> 00:21:44,034
I called Wolfie's at 11.
You weren't there.
387
00:21:44,036 --> 00:21:46,503
Guess who got lucky.
Oh, God!
388
00:21:49,374 --> 00:21:50,774
What can I tell you?
389
00:21:50,776 --> 00:21:53,243
A couple of egg creams,
the bright fluorescent lights
390
00:21:53,245 --> 00:21:55,212
and a retired jeweler
named Shlomo
391
00:21:55,214 --> 00:21:59,516
all conspired to make
a night of enchantment.
392
00:21:59,518 --> 00:22:01,518
Not for me.
393
00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:04,087
I can't tell you some
of the horrible thoughts I had
394
00:22:04,089 --> 00:22:06,123
about what
might have happened to you.
395
00:22:06,125 --> 00:22:09,827
Although none as horrible
as what you just described.
396
00:22:09,829 --> 00:22:11,394
Ah, there you are.
397
00:22:11,396 --> 00:22:14,330
Ma, I scheduled the
appointment for your checkup.
398
00:22:16,166 --> 00:22:19,603
Ma, you know you have to
have a physical.
399
00:22:19,605 --> 00:22:23,374
What do you want me to do - take you to
court, have you declared incompetent?
400
00:22:23,376 --> 00:22:24,774
I'm not incompetent.
401
00:22:24,776 --> 00:22:29,012
Once when I laughed too hard,
I had a little accident.
402
00:22:32,883 --> 00:22:36,620
I guess we do have a strange
way of showing our affection.
403
00:22:36,622 --> 00:22:39,656
Oh, Ma, I'm glad
to see you've cheered up,
404
00:22:39,658 --> 00:22:43,060
but why are you walking down
memory lane all of a sudden?
405
00:22:43,062 --> 00:22:45,763
It's just that I may not
see you for a while.
406
00:22:45,765 --> 00:22:49,466
Ma, they can't prove that you
started that fire at Shady Pines,
407
00:22:49,468 --> 00:22:52,469
and you are not going to jail.
408
00:22:52,471 --> 00:22:55,004
You can't be sure of that,
Pussycat,
409
00:22:55,006 --> 00:22:58,242
so I'm doing what I have to do.
410
00:22:58,244 --> 00:23:02,112
I'm jumping bail
and moving back to Sicily.
411
00:23:11,356 --> 00:23:13,757
Oh, hi, Ma.
How was your nap?
412
00:23:13,759 --> 00:23:16,859
Nap? I didn't take a nap.
I'm a nervous wreck.
413
00:23:16,861 --> 00:23:20,697
How could I sleep a wink with this
prison thing hanging over my head?
414
00:23:20,699 --> 00:23:23,901
Let's grab lunch.
Ma, it's dinnertime.
415
00:23:23,903 --> 00:23:26,503
Oh, I guess I did take a nap.
416
00:23:26,505 --> 00:23:28,605
Ma, I don't know
why you're nervous.
417
00:23:28,607 --> 00:23:31,141
You are not going to prison.
418
00:23:31,143 --> 00:23:34,344
I feel like I am in prison, with you
keeping an eye on me 24 hours a day.
419
00:23:34,346 --> 00:23:37,281
Are you gonna keep doing that
for the rest of my life?
420
00:23:37,283 --> 00:23:41,985
No, only until you give up this ridiculous
idea about leaving the country.
421
00:23:41,987 --> 00:23:44,387
I'm not skipping bail.
I'd never make it.
422
00:23:44,389 --> 00:23:47,390
Every cab driver, waitress and
skycap between here and Sicily
423
00:23:47,392 --> 00:23:50,160
would be only too eager
to talk to the police.
424
00:23:50,162 --> 00:23:53,831
Why do you say that?
I under-tip.
425
00:23:53,833 --> 00:23:55,799
Look, Ma,
I know you're nervous,
426
00:23:55,801 --> 00:23:58,402
but Herb is a brilliant lawyer,
427
00:23:58,404 --> 00:24:01,170
and, honey, you have the love
and support of all of us.
428
00:24:01,172 --> 00:24:03,707
Is there anything I can
get you from the kitchen?
429
00:24:03,709 --> 00:24:07,010
Just bread and water.
Maybe I'll acquire a taste.
430
00:24:21,226 --> 00:24:22,525
How's Sophia?
431
00:24:22,527 --> 00:24:25,428
She's over that crazy idea
about Sicily,
432
00:24:25,430 --> 00:24:29,099
but she's still very concerned
about going to jail.
433
00:24:29,101 --> 00:24:30,767
Well, who wouldn't be?
434
00:24:30,769 --> 00:24:33,269
It's a terrifying prospect
to think about.
435
00:24:33,271 --> 00:24:36,807
Prison. The coldness of it,
the steel bars,
436
00:24:36,809 --> 00:24:39,943
the wedges of cheese
hanging overhead,
437
00:24:39,945 --> 00:24:43,413
tantalizingly
just out of reach.
438
00:24:43,415 --> 00:24:46,283
Let me guess -
St. Olaf County Jail?
439
00:24:46,285 --> 00:24:48,252
And deli.
440
00:24:48,254 --> 00:24:51,989
Look, we have to do
everything we can to help Ma.
441
00:24:51,991 --> 00:24:54,992
Now, the three of us have got
to put our heads together
442
00:24:54,994 --> 00:24:57,094
and try to figure out
for certain
443
00:24:57,096 --> 00:24:59,229
how that fire got started.
444
00:24:59,231 --> 00:25:03,099
You're so right, Dorothy.
And we can start by ruling out the obvious.
445
00:25:03,101 --> 00:25:09,039
Does Sophia have any friends who are
or ever have been circus fire-eaters?
446
00:25:09,041 --> 00:25:11,441
No.
447
00:25:11,443 --> 00:25:13,242
Would she like to meet some?
448
00:25:15,046 --> 00:25:17,847
Don't you worry.
Now we'll get to the bottom of this.
449
00:25:17,849 --> 00:25:21,217
Lord knows we've worked our way
out of tight spots before.
450
00:25:21,219 --> 00:25:23,720
Who was it who got us
into that...
451
00:25:23,722 --> 00:25:26,089
Oh, just a minute,
now I remember.
452
00:25:26,091 --> 00:25:28,091
Come on, it's worth a try.
453
00:25:28,093 --> 00:25:30,093
It's either we sing
or he sings.
454
00:25:30,095 --> 00:25:32,262
Oh, all right.
455
00:25:32,264 --> 00:25:34,497
♪ Boom
456
00:25:37,702 --> 00:25:39,769
♪ Boom
457
00:25:41,472 --> 00:25:42,906
Well?
Well, what?
458
00:25:42,908 --> 00:25:45,508
After my boom comes your boom
and then yours,
459
00:25:45,510 --> 00:25:48,712
until we're all booming.
460
00:25:48,714 --> 00:25:52,082
How complicated
is that herring thing?
461
00:25:52,084 --> 00:25:53,350
♪ Boom
462
00:25:53,352 --> 00:25:55,918
♪ Boom, boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom
463
00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:58,388
♪ Boom ♪ Boom boom boom boom
464
00:25:58,390 --> 00:26:00,190
♪ Boom ♪ Boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom
465
00:26:00,192 --> 00:26:01,758
♪ Boom ♪ Boom boom boom boom
466
00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:04,861
♪ Mr. Sandman,
bring me a dream
467
00:26:04,863 --> 00:26:06,129
♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom
468
00:26:06,131 --> 00:26:08,765
♪ Make him the cutest
that I've ever seen
469
00:26:08,767 --> 00:26:09,966
♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom
470
00:26:09,968 --> 00:26:12,502
♪ Give him two lips
like roses and clover
471
00:26:12,504 --> 00:26:13,836
♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom
472
00:26:13,838 --> 00:26:17,440
♪ Then tell him that
his lonesome nights are over
473
00:26:27,184 --> 00:26:28,551
(baby cries)
474
00:26:28,553 --> 00:26:30,520
♪ Boom ♪ Boom, boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom
475
00:26:30,522 --> 00:26:32,489
♪ Boom ♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom
476
00:26:32,491 --> 00:26:34,290
♪ Boom ♪ Boom, boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom
477
00:26:34,292 --> 00:26:35,658
♪ Boom ♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom
478
00:26:35,660 --> 00:26:38,127
♪ Mr. Sandman
♪ Yes?
479
00:26:38,129 --> 00:26:39,896
♪ Bring me a dream
480
00:26:39,898 --> 00:26:44,134
♪ Make him the cutest
that I've ever seen
481
00:26:44,136 --> 00:26:47,937
♪ Give him the word
that I'm not a rover
482
00:26:47,939 --> 00:26:51,074
♪ And tell him that
his lonesome nights are over
483
00:26:51,076 --> 00:26:52,609
♪ Mr. Sandman
484
00:26:52,611 --> 00:26:55,545
♪ I'm so alone ♪
485
00:26:58,049 --> 00:27:01,618
Boy, you guys really stink.
486
00:27:01,620 --> 00:27:04,755
Look, I'm not going out with him.
You go, Blanche.
487
00:27:04,757 --> 00:27:08,858
What?! You like him.
I know you do. So you go.
488
00:27:08,860 --> 00:27:11,995
Well, I couldn't.
Of course she couldn't.
489
00:27:11,997 --> 00:27:14,797
You stay out of this, Dorothy.
490
00:27:16,134 --> 00:27:18,368
Well, why not?
It's all over between us.
491
00:27:18,370 --> 00:27:19,936
He'll know that tonight.
492
00:27:19,938 --> 00:27:21,437
Well, it's impossible.
493
00:27:21,439 --> 00:27:25,776
I'd feel like a...
I'd feel like a...
494
00:27:25,778 --> 00:27:29,645
A back-stabbing slut?
495
00:27:33,017 --> 00:27:35,786
No.
496
00:27:35,788 --> 00:27:38,054
Then please go, for me.
497
00:27:38,056 --> 00:27:41,725
I'd feel better knowing this
thing is finally over with.
498
00:27:41,727 --> 00:27:44,828
Well, since you put it
that way...
499
00:27:44,830 --> 00:27:48,165
But only as a personal favor
to you, honey.
500
00:27:48,167 --> 00:27:50,200
Well, I guess I'd better
go get dressed.
501
00:27:50,202 --> 00:27:52,436
Thank you, Blanche.
502
00:27:53,938 --> 00:27:57,173
Can you believe
that back-stabbing slut?
503
00:27:59,910 --> 00:28:03,546
Well, now that we know we can
work our way out of jams,
504
00:28:03,548 --> 00:28:06,883
exactly how are we gonna work
our way out of this one?
505
00:28:06,885 --> 00:28:08,818
There's one thing we could do.
506
00:28:08,820 --> 00:28:11,054
We could get something to eat.
507
00:28:11,056 --> 00:28:15,659
Can we concentrate? It seems like
all we ever do around here is eat.
508
00:28:15,661 --> 00:28:17,761
Maybe it's all you ever do.
509
00:28:17,763 --> 00:28:19,596
Oh, excuse me.
510
00:28:19,598 --> 00:28:22,298
I forgot about all those
other appetites you satisfy
511
00:28:22,300 --> 00:28:25,402
before going to the fridge.
512
00:28:25,404 --> 00:28:28,705
My life is more
than just sex and food.
513
00:28:28,707 --> 00:28:30,774
I take care of this house.
514
00:28:30,776 --> 00:28:34,844
Why, just the other day we had a
leak, and the gas man came out.
515
00:28:34,846 --> 00:28:38,181
Oh, no, wait a minute.
I guess that falls under sex.
516
00:28:39,517 --> 00:28:42,318
And you did fix him
a sandwich afterwards.
517
00:28:43,788 --> 00:28:45,388
Oh, yeah.
518
00:28:45,390 --> 00:28:48,592
I guess sex and food
are a big part of our lives.
519
00:28:48,594 --> 00:28:52,795
In fact, just recently -
last summer, or last spring?
520
00:28:52,797 --> 00:28:55,098
It's so hard
to remember which...
521
00:28:55,100 --> 00:28:57,534
Why does it have to be so hard?
522
00:28:57,536 --> 00:29:01,104
The hardest part for me
was explaining to my Kirsten
523
00:29:01,106 --> 00:29:04,007
the difference
between boys and girls.
524
00:29:04,009 --> 00:29:07,644
I knew the time had come,
but I kept putting it off.
525
00:29:07,646 --> 00:29:10,947
Finally, I decided it was time
to take the bull by the horns.
526
00:29:10,949 --> 00:29:14,417
So you told her? No.
I took the bull by the horns,
527
00:29:14,419 --> 00:29:19,289
turned him around and showed her
what makes a bull a bull.
528
00:29:19,291 --> 00:29:22,592
You are kidding, Rose.
529
00:29:22,594 --> 00:29:26,530
No. That's how
my mother taught me.
530
00:29:26,532 --> 00:29:29,198
Honey, didn't that give you
a false impression
531
00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:32,335
about what a man
would look like?
532
00:29:32,337 --> 00:29:35,104
It sure did.
533
00:29:35,106 --> 00:29:39,008
Can you imagine my surprise on
my wedding night with Charlie?
534
00:29:41,245 --> 00:29:43,880
Boy, that bull
would have been jealous.
535
00:29:50,354 --> 00:29:52,622
Rose, quite frankly,
I don't get it.
536
00:29:52,624 --> 00:29:55,926
What is this hold
that Buzz has over you?
537
00:29:55,928 --> 00:29:58,061
I know exactly
what she's going through.
538
00:29:58,063 --> 00:30:00,129
First love
can be very powerful.
539
00:30:00,131 --> 00:30:02,899
I felt the same way
about Heyward Boyle,
540
00:30:02,901 --> 00:30:05,602
the star pitcher on
our high school baseball team.
541
00:30:05,604 --> 00:30:07,637
Oh, an amazing athlete.
542
00:30:07,639 --> 00:30:10,640
That boy had
exceptional control.
543
00:30:18,783 --> 00:30:21,684
He was always
up for extra innings.
544
00:30:24,255 --> 00:30:26,356
And his delivery. Oh -
545
00:30:26,358 --> 00:30:29,559
All right, Blanche.
Enough!
546
00:30:33,364 --> 00:30:35,531
Yeah. We get it.
547
00:30:37,335 --> 00:30:40,003
So, what was he like in bed?
548
00:30:41,572 --> 00:30:43,739
I have to agree with
Blanche on this one.
549
00:30:43,741 --> 00:30:46,342
Half the fun is
in getting there.
550
00:30:46,344 --> 00:30:49,012
Boy, did your father
and I have fun
551
00:30:49,014 --> 00:30:51,047
trying for you.
552
00:30:51,049 --> 00:30:54,317
Ma, I don't think
I want to hear this.
553
00:30:54,319 --> 00:30:56,619
I wasn't gonna tell you
until you're 60,
554
00:30:56,621 --> 00:30:59,656
but I think
you can handle it now.
555
00:30:59,658 --> 00:31:01,190
We lived in New York.
556
00:31:01,192 --> 00:31:03,392
There was the San Gennaro
Festival every year.
557
00:31:03,394 --> 00:31:08,365
Your father - may he rest in
peace until I get there -
558
00:31:08,367 --> 00:31:10,566
got so turned on by the
festivities one year
559
00:31:10,568 --> 00:31:12,602
he couldn't wait
till we got home.
560
00:31:12,604 --> 00:31:14,437
Oh, Ma.
561
00:31:14,439 --> 00:31:15,972
So he took me -
562
00:31:15,974 --> 00:31:19,408
right there behind the
sausage and pepper stand.
563
00:31:25,583 --> 00:31:27,650
Hey, we were
behind the garbage cans.
564
00:31:27,652 --> 00:31:29,919
It's not like we were
in front of everybody.
565
00:31:32,122 --> 00:31:35,358
I can relate to the
festivities part, Sophia.
566
00:31:35,360 --> 00:31:39,862
All our children were conceived
on special St. Olaf holidays.
567
00:31:39,864 --> 00:31:43,400
Adam was conceived
on the Day of the Princess Pig
568
00:31:43,402 --> 00:31:45,101
when they had the pig crowning,
569
00:31:45,103 --> 00:31:48,305
and Ginella was conceived
on Hay Day.
570
00:31:48,307 --> 00:31:52,742
That's the day
we St. Olafians celebrate hay.
571
00:31:52,744 --> 00:31:55,277
Rose, do you think
you could wrap this up
572
00:31:55,279 --> 00:31:58,048
before Rebecca goes into labor?
573
00:31:58,050 --> 00:31:59,915
Then there was
the Day of the Wheat,
574
00:31:59,917 --> 00:32:03,219
when everybody came to town
dressed as sandwiches.
575
00:32:05,122 --> 00:32:07,890
Charlie and I forgot
to put cheese between us,
576
00:32:07,892 --> 00:32:10,727
and before I knew it,
there was Kirsten.
577
00:32:16,067 --> 00:32:18,468
Look, Blanche,
what Rebecca is doing
578
00:32:18,470 --> 00:32:20,470
is really not so terrible.
579
00:32:20,472 --> 00:32:22,472
Look, among the four of us,
580
00:32:22,474 --> 00:32:26,009
each of us conceived our
children in a different way.
581
00:32:26,011 --> 00:32:28,945
I was totally unconscious.
582
00:32:28,947 --> 00:32:31,548
When I came to, there was Stan
583
00:32:31,550 --> 00:32:34,217
carving a notch
in his dashboard.
584
00:32:38,456 --> 00:32:40,356
I never bought
that unconscious story.
585
00:32:40,358 --> 00:32:42,726
I swear. He must have
slipped me something.
586
00:32:42,728 --> 00:32:44,193
Apparently.
587
00:32:50,033 --> 00:32:53,003
Those stories made me hungry.
588
00:32:53,005 --> 00:32:54,738
They made me horny.
589
00:32:54,740 --> 00:32:56,472
I'll tell you what.
590
00:32:56,474 --> 00:32:58,675
Why don't we
call the pizza guy?
591
00:32:58,677 --> 00:33:00,109
See, we both win.
592
00:33:00,111 --> 00:33:03,479
(phone rings)
593
00:33:03,481 --> 00:33:05,081
Hello?
594
00:33:05,083 --> 00:33:07,383
What?
595
00:33:07,385 --> 00:33:10,453
Oh, my God! It's Ma.
She's at the airport.
596
00:33:10,455 --> 00:33:14,023
They caught her trying to buy
a ticket out of the country.
597
00:33:21,931 --> 00:33:24,167
Can you believe Ma,
598
00:33:24,169 --> 00:33:27,670
trying to go to Sicily
on my credit card?
599
00:33:27,672 --> 00:33:29,438
She would've made it, too,
600
00:33:29,440 --> 00:33:33,176
if her chef's knife hadn't
shown up on the scanner.
601
00:33:33,178 --> 00:33:36,112
You want to know
something crazy?
602
00:33:36,114 --> 00:33:38,281
I actually feel responsible
for this.
603
00:33:38,283 --> 00:33:40,617
If I'd never checked her
into Shady Pines,
604
00:33:40,619 --> 00:33:42,619
she never would have made
those s'mores,
605
00:33:42,621 --> 00:33:44,621
there never
would have been a fire,
606
00:33:44,623 --> 00:33:46,623
and none of this
would have happened.
607
00:33:46,625 --> 00:33:50,393
Hey, when you look at it
like that, you are responsible.
608
00:33:52,229 --> 00:33:54,363
Yeah, I never had thought
about it that way.
609
00:33:54,365 --> 00:33:59,035
You know, it is like they're trying
the wrong person. It is your fault.
610
00:33:59,037 --> 00:34:01,337
Wait a second, girls.
611
00:34:01,339 --> 00:34:05,241
Can you imagine being the one
to put your mother in jail?
612
00:34:05,243 --> 00:34:07,143
It was just a theory.
613
00:34:07,145 --> 00:34:08,978
Follow that lady to Guilt City.
614
00:34:08,980 --> 00:34:12,715
Now stop it, now stop it.
Look, nobody is to blame for this.
615
00:34:12,717 --> 00:34:14,951
She's rationalizing.
616
00:34:14,953 --> 00:34:16,719
Instead of pointing fingers,
617
00:34:16,721 --> 00:34:19,823
I thought we were gonna try
to find a way out of this.
618
00:34:19,825 --> 00:34:22,391
Well, we certainly are
in the right place for it.
619
00:34:22,393 --> 00:34:24,961
The kitchen - Crisis Central.
620
00:34:24,963 --> 00:34:28,631
Yeah, we sure have solved
a lot of problems in this room.
621
00:34:28,633 --> 00:34:30,533
I mean, a lot.
622
00:34:30,535 --> 00:34:32,735
Dorothy, it wasn't
that long ago that you...
623
00:34:32,737 --> 00:34:36,305
Oh, it's you. I thought
maybe Sophia had come home.
624
00:34:36,307 --> 00:34:38,641
Oh, no. She'll be back
in the morning.
625
00:34:38,643 --> 00:34:42,245
She's trying to teach me a lesson.
I know my mother.
626
00:34:42,247 --> 00:34:46,248
Oh, really? You're the one who said she
wasn't gonna leave in the first place.
627
00:34:46,250 --> 00:34:48,818
Dorothy, it's not
just your mother who left.
628
00:34:48,820 --> 00:34:50,820
I feel like
she's my mother, too.
629
00:34:50,822 --> 00:34:53,022
I know, but don't worry.
She'll be back.
630
00:34:53,024 --> 00:34:56,025
Now that she's gone, who am I gonna
go to in the middle of the night
631
00:34:56,027 --> 00:34:59,095
with my deepest
personal problems?
632
00:34:59,097 --> 00:35:03,166
Wait a minute. You went to my mother's
room in the middle of the night?
633
00:35:03,168 --> 00:35:06,235
Many, many times.
Two or three times a week.
634
00:35:06,237 --> 00:35:09,439
And she was always so kind
and comforting.
635
00:35:09,441 --> 00:35:13,175
I don't understand. Every time I'd
knock on her door late at night,
636
00:35:13,177 --> 00:35:17,780
she'd say, "Not now.
I'm watching Bob Costas."
637
00:35:17,782 --> 00:35:19,616
Sophia doesn't have a TV
in her room.
638
00:35:19,618 --> 00:35:21,183
I know.
639
00:35:23,621 --> 00:35:25,621
Then, after
we finished talking,
640
00:35:25,623 --> 00:35:29,425
she'd always give me a piece of
hard candy and a kiss good night.
641
00:35:31,162 --> 00:35:33,196
I can't sleep.
642
00:35:33,198 --> 00:35:37,633
And what's worse, I went to Sophia's
room for one of our talks...
643
00:35:39,403 --> 00:35:43,640
...and then I remembered she
left, thanks to you, Dorothy.
644
00:35:43,642 --> 00:35:47,076
You had late-night talks with my mother?
All the time.
645
00:35:47,078 --> 00:35:48,678
And she gave you hard candy?
646
00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:52,881
No. I'd ask, but she was
always afraid I'd choke on it.
647
00:35:54,417 --> 00:35:58,454
Why didn't somebody
tell me it was dinnertime?
648
00:35:58,456 --> 00:36:01,791
Ma, it's not dinner, it's
the middle of the night.
649
00:36:01,793 --> 00:36:05,094
Good.
Then I'm dressed for it.
650
00:36:05,096 --> 00:36:06,729
Blanche is upset.
651
00:36:06,731 --> 00:36:10,700
Well, you would be, too, if your daughter
- Oh, I can't even say it.
652
00:36:10,702 --> 00:36:11,834
What could have happened?
653
00:36:11,836 --> 00:36:14,470
The two of you
were getting so close.
654
00:36:14,472 --> 00:36:18,641
My little girl is gonna have a
baby by artificial insemination.
655
00:36:24,481 --> 00:36:26,648
I just can't bear
to think about it.
656
00:36:31,956 --> 00:36:35,124
I'm just being silly, aren't I?
657
00:36:38,929 --> 00:36:41,598
For God's sake,
somebody say something.
658
00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:43,465
Ew!
659
00:36:45,402 --> 00:36:48,338
Big help.
660
00:36:48,340 --> 00:36:51,107
Dorothy, what about you?
You're the sensible one around here,
661
00:36:51,109 --> 00:36:53,776
the free modern thinker
who keeps up with the times.
662
00:36:53,778 --> 00:36:55,477
Now, what do you think?
663
00:36:56,413 --> 00:36:58,781
Ew.
664
00:36:59,849 --> 00:37:02,017
Maybe we should all
get some rest
665
00:37:02,019 --> 00:37:04,487
and figure a way out
for Sophia tomorrow.
666
00:37:04,489 --> 00:37:06,689
Yeah, you're probably right.
667
00:37:06,691 --> 00:37:09,024
Dorothy, can we look in
on Sophia, too?
668
00:37:09,026 --> 00:37:11,026
She is like a mother to us.
669
00:37:11,028 --> 00:37:13,996
I think she'd like that.
Here's the key.
670
00:37:17,567 --> 00:37:19,835
I've been thinking
about what we should do
671
00:37:19,837 --> 00:37:21,804
in case
they do send Sophia off.
672
00:37:21,806 --> 00:37:23,273
What, appeal?
673
00:37:23,275 --> 00:37:26,976
No, a party, a prison party.
674
00:37:28,679 --> 00:37:31,080
I made a list of all the men
we should invite.
675
00:37:31,082 --> 00:37:32,581
We'll be like the judges.
676
00:37:32,583 --> 00:37:35,952
"I sentence you to ten minutes
with me on the lanai."
677
00:37:35,954 --> 00:37:39,322
See, some can be convicts
and some can be guards...
678
00:37:39,324 --> 00:37:41,724
What are you looking at?
679
00:37:41,726 --> 00:37:47,563
I just cannot believe
how much you think about men.
680
00:37:47,565 --> 00:37:50,232
Well, hey, men are
an important part of my life.
681
00:37:50,234 --> 00:37:51,734
Not just my life.
682
00:37:51,736 --> 00:37:54,069
They're an important part
of all our lives.
683
00:37:54,071 --> 00:37:57,072
Seems like hardly a day goes by
here there's not an incident
684
00:37:57,074 --> 00:37:59,074
about some man
that we're dating
685
00:37:59,076 --> 00:38:01,778
or used to date
or want to date.
686
00:38:01,780 --> 00:38:04,780
Pussycat, I'm going out with my friends.
Can you give me some money?
687
00:38:04,782 --> 00:38:07,650
What happened to the money
I gave you last night?
688
00:38:07,652 --> 00:38:10,386
Let's see, 10 bucks went
for cover charge,
689
00:38:10,388 --> 00:38:12,888
10 bucks went
for a round of drinks,
690
00:38:12,890 --> 00:38:15,391
and the other 10 went
into the G-string
691
00:38:15,393 --> 00:38:19,895
of a very cute male dancer
named Mr. Big.
692
00:38:25,536 --> 00:38:28,304
I know that guy.
693
00:38:28,306 --> 00:38:31,274
That's just a stage name.
694
00:38:31,276 --> 00:38:35,478
So, Ted, did I hear someone
say you were a doctor?
695
00:38:35,480 --> 00:38:36,812
He's not just a doctor.
696
00:38:36,814 --> 00:38:40,116
He happens to be one of the top
neurosurgeons in the Midwest.
697
00:38:40,118 --> 00:38:42,451
Get out of here.
He's also heavy into real estate.
698
00:38:42,453 --> 00:38:45,722
It's nothing much, really.
I just own a few mini-malls.
699
00:38:45,724 --> 00:38:48,424
Oh, your wife must be
very proud of you.
700
00:38:48,426 --> 00:38:50,093
Actually, we're divorced.
701
00:38:50,095 --> 00:38:53,195
Oh, I'm terribly,
terribly sorry.
702
00:39:04,875 --> 00:39:07,510
Hello, girls. Dorothy, Rose,
you all remember Laszlo.
703
00:39:07,512 --> 00:39:11,213
Of course.
Laszlo, the artist from your museum.
704
00:39:11,215 --> 00:39:14,617
Oh, we really enjoyed your
lecture on modern sculpture.
705
00:39:14,619 --> 00:39:16,753
I didn't think anyone
was paying attention.
706
00:39:16,755 --> 00:39:19,489
We sure were.
Especially Dorothy.
707
00:39:19,491 --> 00:39:21,591
She even talked about
taking up sculpting.
708
00:39:21,593 --> 00:39:24,360
Really, Dorothy?
Oh, no, I didn't.
709
00:39:24,362 --> 00:39:27,262
Yes, you did. You said you'd
like to help him mold his clay
710
00:39:27,264 --> 00:39:29,799
or buff his marble anytime.
711
00:39:32,169 --> 00:39:34,436
Rose, you're such a kidder.
712
00:39:38,975 --> 00:39:41,711
What is sex, after all?
713
00:39:41,713 --> 00:39:45,948
Two clunky old bodies thrashing
around against each other...
714
00:39:46,983 --> 00:39:49,952
like animals.
715
00:39:49,954 --> 00:39:53,656
You get all sweaty and flushed.
716
00:39:53,658 --> 00:39:55,992
Your hair gets mussed.
717
00:39:55,994 --> 00:39:58,294
You lose your breath.
718
00:39:58,296 --> 00:40:01,531
You lose your earrings.
719
00:40:01,533 --> 00:40:03,366
Your mouth waters.
720
00:40:03,368 --> 00:40:05,768
Your nose runs.
721
00:40:05,770 --> 00:40:07,670
Your heart races.
722
00:40:07,672 --> 00:40:09,505
Your blood races.
723
00:40:09,507 --> 00:40:11,841
Rose?
Say it, Ernie.
724
00:40:11,843 --> 00:40:13,776
It's time, Rose.
725
00:40:13,778 --> 00:40:16,144
Check, please!
726
00:40:19,683 --> 00:40:22,218
I'm not saying I want her
to go to prison.
727
00:40:22,220 --> 00:40:24,219
I'm saying
if she goes to prison,
728
00:40:24,221 --> 00:40:26,922
we have the theme
for the party.
729
00:40:28,091 --> 00:40:31,894
Girls, do I have news for you.
730
00:40:31,896 --> 00:40:33,729
Rose, where have you been?
731
00:40:33,731 --> 00:40:37,800
Trying to get hold of the fire
inspector who inspected Shady Pines.
732
00:40:37,802 --> 00:40:40,970
I wanted to double-check there wasn't
anything wrong with the building.
733
00:40:40,972 --> 00:40:43,272
And?
And get this.
734
00:40:43,274 --> 00:40:45,608
They said the inspector quit
735
00:40:45,610 --> 00:40:48,678
three days
after the Shady Pines fire.
736
00:40:48,680 --> 00:40:51,647
It seems he mysteriously
came into some money
737
00:40:51,649 --> 00:40:54,083
and moved to an exclusive
Palm Beach neighborhood.
738
00:40:54,085 --> 00:40:55,852
Do you know what that means?
739
00:40:55,854 --> 00:40:58,588
Rose, of course
I know what this means.
740
00:40:58,590 --> 00:41:00,589
Then will you explain it to me?
741
00:41:00,591 --> 00:41:02,257
It all sounded suspicious,
742
00:41:02,259 --> 00:41:06,229
but I couldn't quite
piece it together.
743
00:41:06,231 --> 00:41:09,866
Rose, you nitwit, that means the
guy was probably on the take.
744
00:41:09,868 --> 00:41:13,469
Oh, I told you everything
would be fine, Ma.
745
00:41:13,471 --> 00:41:16,105
Hey, I have an idea.
746
00:41:16,107 --> 00:41:18,908
Let's have
a getting-out-of-prison party.
747
00:41:18,910 --> 00:41:21,911
See, everybody can pretend they've
been locked up for about three years
748
00:41:21,913 --> 00:41:24,413
and they have all this pent-up
sexual energy.
749
00:41:24,415 --> 00:41:28,317
Everybody's all pumped up because all
you ever do in prison is lift weights,
750
00:41:28,319 --> 00:41:31,687
so we'll get all those muscle
guys with homemade tattoos...
751
00:41:31,689 --> 00:41:33,990
What are you looking at?
752
00:41:38,896 --> 00:41:42,899
You did a good job, but let's not
forget there still has to be a trial,
753
00:41:42,901 --> 00:41:45,868
and Mrs. Heartgrove's confession
is pretty strong.
754
00:41:45,870 --> 00:41:49,639
I just wish we had something that
reflected on her credibility.
755
00:41:49,641 --> 00:41:54,744
What if we had a video of her and a
friend mooning a hot dog vendor?
756
00:41:54,746 --> 00:41:57,346
That would
totally discredit her.
757
00:41:57,348 --> 00:42:00,182
Wait a minute.
I just remembered who the friend was.
758
00:42:00,184 --> 00:42:02,418
Can't use it. Moving on.
759
00:42:03,620 --> 00:42:06,255
If you think of anything else,
please give me a call.
760
00:42:06,257 --> 00:42:09,325
I have to be at the courthouse
at a quarter to three.
761
00:42:09,327 --> 00:42:13,429
♪ There's no one in the place
except you and me ♪
762
00:42:13,431 --> 00:42:16,799
That's what we were singing
that night.
763
00:42:16,801 --> 00:42:19,368
We were having a couple
of Nyquil shooters
764
00:42:19,370 --> 00:42:22,405
and singing
"One For My Baby."
765
00:42:22,407 --> 00:42:25,908
I remember.
Ma, you do?
766
00:42:25,910 --> 00:42:28,610
Yeah. I heard a smoke alarm,
looked up,
767
00:42:28,612 --> 00:42:31,147
and saw flames coming
out of the heater.
768
00:42:31,149 --> 00:42:32,648
Maria was confused.
769
00:42:32,650 --> 00:42:35,918
I grabbed her
and the hot plate and ran out.
770
00:42:35,920 --> 00:42:38,054
It was the heater.
Are you sure?
771
00:42:38,056 --> 00:42:39,889
Sure I'm sure.
It was the heater.
772
00:42:39,891 --> 00:42:42,691
You dig up that hot plate,
Sophia, we'll go to the D.A.
773
00:42:42,693 --> 00:42:45,795
I think we've got enough evidence
to get these charges dropped.
774
00:42:45,797 --> 00:42:47,796
Ma, I am so proud of you.
775
00:42:47,798 --> 00:42:52,200
Now, honey, if you could just remember
where you left the hot plate.
776
00:42:52,202 --> 00:42:56,505
I used it recently.
Think, Sophia, think.
777
00:42:56,507 --> 00:42:58,608
What's that smell?
778
00:42:58,610 --> 00:43:00,008
(alarm beeping)
779
00:43:00,010 --> 00:43:02,511
My God. That's the smoke
alarm in Sophia's room.
780
00:43:02,513 --> 00:43:04,847
Oh, no!
781
00:43:04,849 --> 00:43:08,083
Oh, yeah.
Anyone for s'mores?
782
00:43:14,091 --> 00:43:17,359
Well, Sophia,
how's it feel to be home?
783
00:43:17,361 --> 00:43:19,595
I feel like a free man.
784
00:43:19,597 --> 00:43:21,964
Well, you didn't
actually go to jail.
785
00:43:21,966 --> 00:43:25,033
OK, forget the free part.
I feel like a man.
786
00:43:25,035 --> 00:43:28,838
I missed two estrogen shots, and I'm dying
for a thick steak smothered in onions,
787
00:43:28,840 --> 00:43:32,742
a tall cold one, then going out
and picking up a couple of - Ma.
788
00:43:32,744 --> 00:43:36,145
Can I tell you something, Pussycat?
What?
789
00:43:36,147 --> 00:43:38,681
I've never been so scared.
790
00:43:38,683 --> 00:43:40,683
Not so much of jail.
791
00:43:40,685 --> 00:43:43,185
It was not being here
with all of you.
792
00:43:43,187 --> 00:43:46,121
Only seeing you for ten minutes
a day on visitors' day.
793
00:43:46,123 --> 00:43:47,690
That's not enough time
794
00:43:47,692 --> 00:43:51,761
for Rose to get one of her St.
Olaf stories off the runway.
795
00:43:51,763 --> 00:43:56,165
All I'm trying to say is, maybe you're
not much, but you're all I've got.
796
00:43:56,167 --> 00:43:59,801
Am I crying, Pussycat?
No, Ma.
797
00:43:59,803 --> 00:44:02,905
I guess it wasn't
as touching as I thought.
798
00:44:02,907 --> 00:44:06,242
Oh, Ma, I'm just glad
everything worked out.
799
00:44:06,244 --> 00:44:09,545
I never want to have to
go through that again.
800
00:44:09,547 --> 00:44:12,081
Oh, I knew it would all be OK.
801
00:44:12,083 --> 00:44:14,583
Rose, I think you deserve
a lot of the credit.
802
00:44:14,585 --> 00:44:17,586
You were smart enough to
double-check on that fire inspector.
803
00:44:17,588 --> 00:44:20,389
Yes.
I'm proud of you, Rose.
804
00:44:20,391 --> 00:44:23,792
Hey, you make it sound like it's
the only smart thing I ever did.
805
00:44:23,794 --> 00:44:26,996
I'll have you know I've done a lot
of smart things over the years.
806
00:44:26,998 --> 00:44:28,563
Remember?