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00:00:01,637 --> 00:00:04,506
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,985 --> 00:00:08,258
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:08,292 --> 00:00:11,827
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:11,861 --> 00:00:14,829
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:26,347 --> 00:00:30,347
♪ Family Guy 13x17 ♪
Fighting Irish
Original Air Date on May 3, 2015
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00:00:30,348 --> 00:00:35,848
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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00:00:35,849 --> 00:00:37,543
And that is why chest hair
13
00:00:37,585 --> 00:00:41,450
is on its way... back.
14
00:00:41,492 --> 00:00:42,722
Hey, guys.
I got something for you,
15
00:00:42,756 --> 00:00:45,123
an invitation for each
of you to Quagfest.
16
00:00:45,157 --> 00:00:47,325
- Quagfest?
- What's that?
17
00:00:47,367 --> 00:00:48,998
"You and a guest
are cordially invited
18
00:00:49,032 --> 00:00:52,201
"to witness Glenn Quagmire's
1,000th sexual conquest
19
00:00:52,242 --> 00:00:55,272
"at Quagfest,
a three-day festival celebrating
20
00:00:55,306 --> 00:00:57,440
the three F's:
food, fun, and..."
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00:00:57,474 --> 00:00:59,439
Oh, my.
22
00:00:59,481 --> 00:01:01,647
Yeah, they almost wouldn't print
that at Kinko's.
23
00:01:01,681 --> 00:01:03,310
Damn! 1,000 women?
24
00:01:03,344 --> 00:01:05,582
Well, 1,000
sexual conquests.
25
00:01:05,616 --> 00:01:07,581
(chuckles)
No further questions.
26
00:01:07,615 --> 00:01:09,254
Sounds like fun, Glenn!
27
00:01:09,287 --> 00:01:10,751
Yeah, I'm closing down
the whole street.
28
00:01:10,793 --> 00:01:12,088
It's gonna be
like a block party
29
00:01:12,122 --> 00:01:14,927
but with way more weirdos
grinding up against your wives.
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00:01:14,961 --> 00:01:16,358
That sounds awesome!
31
00:01:16,392 --> 00:01:18,437
There hasn't been that kind
of excitement on our street
32
00:01:18,471 --> 00:01:21,013
since we had that big Dumpster
in our front yard.
33
00:01:21,047 --> 00:01:23,290
Can someone take out
the garbage?
34
00:01:23,324 --> 00:01:24,954
I will!
35
00:01:24,988 --> 00:01:27,690
(ascending stairs)
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00:01:27,724 --> 00:01:29,691
PETER:
Yeah!
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00:01:29,725 --> 00:01:32,027
Yeah! Smash! Boom!
38
00:01:32,061 --> 00:01:33,365
Someone stop him.
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00:01:33,399 --> 00:01:36,038
Last time, he threw out
our whole bedroom.
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00:01:36,072 --> 00:01:38,376
STEWIE:
I'm still in here!
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00:01:38,410 --> 00:01:39,913
Oh, big Dumpster--
that-that reminds me,
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00:01:39,947 --> 00:01:42,515
Ice-T's wife is also coming
to Quagfest.
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00:01:42,549 --> 00:01:43,980
And in local news,
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00:01:44,022 --> 00:01:46,117
Hollywood comes to Quahog,
almost,
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00:01:46,159 --> 00:01:48,526
as three hours from here
in Waterbury, Connecticut,
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00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:51,528
Liam Neeson has begun shooting
his latest film.
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00:01:51,562 --> 00:01:54,464
His new project is reportedly
an historical epic,
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00:01:54,498 --> 00:01:56,064
in which Mr. Neeson stars
49
00:01:56,098 --> 00:01:58,601
as a vengeance-crazed
Albert Einstein.
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00:01:58,635 --> 00:02:01,076
Channel Five News
has this exclusive first look
51
00:02:01,110 --> 00:02:04,249
that I taped off my VCR
from Entertainment Tonight.
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00:02:04,283 --> 00:02:06,587
All right,
I'll give you the formula.
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00:02:06,621 --> 00:02:10,261
My foot equals
your balls squared.
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00:02:12,231 --> 00:02:14,398
Pfft. Liam Neeson. What a fraud.
55
00:02:14,432 --> 00:02:16,536
Oh, come on, Peter.
Not this again.
56
00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:19,578
What? He's a fake tough guy.
I could totally kick his ass.
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00:02:19,612 --> 00:02:20,842
Knock it off.
We've had to hear
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00:02:20,876 --> 00:02:22,579
this same speech
a million times.
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00:02:22,613 --> 00:02:24,714
Yeah, every time you get
a couple of beers in you,
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00:02:24,748 --> 00:02:27,314
we have to hear all about
how you can beat up Liam Neeson.
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00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:29,187
- That's not true.
- Yes, it is.
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00:02:29,221 --> 00:02:32,492
What about that time we
snuck beers into the opera?
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00:02:32,526 --> 00:02:34,524
(singing)
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00:02:45,409 --> 00:02:48,410
(continues singing)
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00:02:55,191 --> 00:02:57,189
(crescendoes)
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00:02:59,191 --> 00:03:01,997
PETER (slurred): I could
totally beat up Liam Neeson.
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00:03:02,031 --> 00:03:04,030
(resumes singing)
68
00:03:12,682 --> 00:03:14,480
Hey, you know this old woman
who lived in a shoe,
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00:03:14,514 --> 00:03:16,744
she had so many children,
she didn't know what to do?
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00:03:16,786 --> 00:03:18,080
I got something
she could do.
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00:03:18,114 --> 00:03:19,752
Get your tubes tied,
you kook!
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00:03:19,787 --> 00:03:21,585
Hey, how you doing
on that chocolate milk?
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00:03:21,619 --> 00:03:22,921
You need
a little freshen-up?
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00:03:22,955 --> 00:03:25,193
There's
my little sweetie.
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00:03:25,227 --> 00:03:26,690
Are you ready
to go home, Stewie?
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00:03:26,724 --> 00:03:28,501
Oh, Lois,
I'm glad you're here.
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00:03:28,535 --> 00:03:30,903
I noticed that you're one
of the moms who hasn't yet
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00:03:30,937 --> 00:03:32,569
signed up to be
a classroom volunteer.
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00:03:32,610 --> 00:03:35,580
Oh, I-I just assumed after
that incident in the parking lot
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00:03:35,614 --> 00:03:38,118
with that bitch in the Lexus,
you wouldn't want me to.
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00:03:38,152 --> 00:03:41,424
But, yeah, I'd be happy
to help out in the class.
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00:03:41,458 --> 00:03:43,689
What? I don't want you here.
This is my turf.
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00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:46,026
I don't bother you when you're
sitting on the washing machine,
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00:03:46,060 --> 00:03:48,194
screaming Aaron Eckhart's name.
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00:03:48,236 --> 00:03:50,868
Great! We'd love to have you
start tomorrow, if you're free.
86
00:03:50,902 --> 00:03:53,404
Sure, let me just
check my schedule.
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00:03:53,438 --> 00:03:57,609
Hmm, I guess I could
just get the mail at night.
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00:03:57,643 --> 00:03:59,641
(indistinct chatter,
music playing)
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00:04:03,485 --> 00:04:06,989
Wow, Quagfest is a bigger deal
than I thought.
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00:04:07,023 --> 00:04:08,790
Oh, look, here's a simulation
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00:04:08,824 --> 00:04:11,893
of what it's like to have sex
with Quagmire.
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00:04:15,326 --> 00:04:16,892
Hi.
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00:04:16,926 --> 00:04:18,595
(sips)
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00:04:21,669 --> 00:04:22,669
Bye!
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00:04:24,335 --> 00:04:26,341
(marching band playing)
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00:04:28,511 --> 00:04:30,478
All right, kids,
now pay attention, all right?
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00:04:30,512 --> 00:04:33,615
These are all of Quagmire's
women organized by country.
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00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:35,647
There's Brazil.
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00:04:36,649 --> 00:04:38,424
There's Italy.
100
00:04:38,458 --> 00:04:40,424
And there's Thailand. Wow.
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00:04:40,458 --> 00:04:44,056
Wow, they're young.
We should go.
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00:04:44,098 --> 00:04:46,727
I'd like to thank you all
for coming to Quagfest.
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00:04:46,761 --> 00:04:49,262
Now, no celebration
of my 1,000th would be complete
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00:04:49,296 --> 00:04:50,933
without first meeting
number one.
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00:04:50,968 --> 00:04:54,069
Here she is, all the way from
Weathersfield Elementary School,
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00:04:54,103 --> 00:04:56,101
Miss Eleanor!
(applause)
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00:05:02,849 --> 00:05:05,144
Do I still get
a piece of candy after?
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00:05:05,186 --> 00:05:06,416
(laughter)
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00:05:08,122 --> 00:05:09,751
Nice lady.
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00:05:09,785 --> 00:05:11,422
All right, we've met number one.
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00:05:11,457 --> 00:05:14,087
Now let's meet number 1,000!
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00:05:14,121 --> 00:05:16,128
(dramatic rock music playing)
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00:05:22,058 --> 00:05:26,023
Ladies and gentlemen,
my 1,000th sexual conquest is...
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00:05:26,065 --> 00:05:28,063
this largemouth bass!
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00:05:29,065 --> 00:05:30,695
Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
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00:05:30,737 --> 00:05:32,502
I'm weird.
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00:05:32,536 --> 00:05:34,502
I thought I was here
to watch normal intercourse
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00:05:34,536 --> 00:05:36,165
on a residential street.
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00:05:36,207 --> 00:05:38,373
Children, we're leaving!
120
00:05:44,646 --> 00:05:45,876
Oh, this'll be so fun
121
00:05:45,910 --> 00:05:47,876
volunteering in
your class, Stewie.
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00:05:47,918 --> 00:05:49,547
Eat my button,
you whore.
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00:05:49,581 --> 00:05:51,548
Oh, Lois, I'm so
glad you're here.
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00:05:51,582 --> 00:05:53,420
I got to run out
to the parking lot.
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00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:55,420
I'm buying cigarettes
from some guy on Craigslist.
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00:05:55,454 --> 00:05:57,819
Go ahead.
I'll handle the kids.
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00:05:57,853 --> 00:05:59,824
(crying)
128
00:05:59,858 --> 00:06:02,153
Oh, Landon,
what's the matter?
129
00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:05,191
Aw, did you spill juice
on yourself, sweetheart?
130
00:06:05,225 --> 00:06:07,527
"Sweetheart"? Slow your roll
there, Cougar Town.
131
00:06:07,561 --> 00:06:10,262
Well, let's get you cleaned up.
And you know what?
132
00:06:10,296 --> 00:06:12,998
For today,
you can be my little helper.
133
00:06:13,032 --> 00:06:15,870
What the hell?! If anyone should
be her helper, it should be me.
134
00:06:15,904 --> 00:06:18,071
She's my mother.
We're supposed to be a team.
135
00:06:18,105 --> 00:06:20,639
Like the Lone Ranger and Tonto.
136
00:06:20,673 --> 00:06:22,776
Well, Tonto, the bad guys
are going to jail.
137
00:06:22,810 --> 00:06:25,049
Looks like this little town
is safe again.
138
00:06:25,083 --> 00:06:26,650
Yes, Kemosabe.
139
00:06:26,684 --> 00:06:27,915
So, uh, what do you say?
140
00:06:27,956 --> 00:06:29,921
Want to grab a drink,
maybe dinner?
141
00:06:29,956 --> 00:06:32,954
Sorry. Me no like to
hang with work people.
142
00:06:39,299 --> 00:06:41,130
Well, I got to hand
it to you, Quagmire.
143
00:06:41,163 --> 00:06:43,130
That Quagfest
was some party.
144
00:06:43,171 --> 00:06:45,864
Yeah, except I got molested
in the House of Mirrors
145
00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:48,870
by either one man
or 100 identical men.
146
00:06:48,904 --> 00:06:51,270
Could've used a
heads-up on that one.
147
00:06:51,304 --> 00:06:54,270
Yeah, I'll tell you who might
want a heads-up: Liam Neeson.
148
00:06:54,312 --> 00:06:55,877
Oh, for God's sake!
149
00:06:55,911 --> 00:06:58,277
'Cause someday,
I'm gonna kick his ass.
150
00:06:58,311 --> 00:06:59,446
Damn it, Peter,
I'm sick of this!
151
00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:01,182
- I've had it!
- Me, too.
152
00:07:01,216 --> 00:07:03,350
I mean, we just had a
great day of fun and rides
153
00:07:03,384 --> 00:07:04,981
and finger-sniffing,
and all you can talk about
154
00:07:05,016 --> 00:07:06,717
is fighting some guy
you've never even met!
155
00:07:06,751 --> 00:07:08,588
Yeah, he's lucky
we've never met.
156
00:07:08,622 --> 00:07:10,524
I'd knock his teeth
down his throat
157
00:07:10,558 --> 00:07:12,523
and out his stupid
Irish fudge knot.
158
00:07:12,558 --> 00:07:14,187
You know what?
You're full of it.
159
00:07:14,229 --> 00:07:15,996
If you were ever face-to-face
with Liam Neeson,
160
00:07:16,030 --> 00:07:17,060
you'd crap your pants.
161
00:07:17,094 --> 00:07:18,195
No, I wouldn't.
162
00:07:18,229 --> 00:07:19,531
Well, fine.
Let's prove it.
163
00:07:19,565 --> 00:07:21,468
Put up or shut up.
Right now.
164
00:07:21,502 --> 00:07:23,268
What? What are
you talking about?
165
00:07:23,302 --> 00:07:25,465
Well, we know where
Liam Neeson is.
166
00:07:25,499 --> 00:07:28,071
That's right! He's shooting
a movie in Connecticut!
167
00:07:28,105 --> 00:07:30,269
We could be there
in three hours.
168
00:07:30,303 --> 00:07:31,604
All right, great.
169
00:07:31,638 --> 00:07:34,098
Liam Neeson has three more hours
to live.
170
00:07:34,140 --> 00:07:35,433
Let's do this.
171
00:07:35,467 --> 00:07:36,504
- All right!
- Yeah!
172
00:07:36,538 --> 00:07:38,967
I've never been
to Connecticut!
173
00:07:39,009 --> 00:07:40,376
Hang on, fellas.
174
00:07:40,410 --> 00:07:42,975
I actually have been
to Connecticut one time.
175
00:07:43,009 --> 00:07:45,446
To meet Loretta
at a McDonald's parking lot
176
00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:47,774
to pick up my son,
Cleveland, Jr.
177
00:07:47,816 --> 00:07:50,646
I cried in my sedan,
in front of my boy.
178
00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:53,782
It was sad.
That's why I fibbed on it.
179
00:07:53,816 --> 00:07:55,990
I'm sorry.
Can we do a happy yell again
180
00:07:56,024 --> 00:07:58,190
to get the taste out
of my mouth? All right!
181
00:07:58,225 --> 00:08:00,254
- Yeah! Yeah!
- I've been to Connecticut!
182
00:08:07,262 --> 00:08:08,564
All right, Peter,
Liam Neeson must be
183
00:08:08,598 --> 00:08:10,037
on the other side
of that barrier.
184
00:08:10,071 --> 00:08:12,940
We just got to get you on that
set, so you can kick his ass.
185
00:08:12,974 --> 00:08:16,371
We're so close, I can
almost taste his ass.
186
00:08:16,405 --> 00:08:17,970
Can I help you?
187
00:08:18,004 --> 00:08:19,978
Hello, sir.
We're here to see Liam Neeson,
188
00:08:20,012 --> 00:08:22,642
the guy who wears the same
long jacket in all his movies.
189
00:08:22,676 --> 00:08:24,778
Sorry, this is
a closed set.
190
00:08:24,812 --> 00:08:27,179
Peter, you're never gonna
get close enough to Liam Neeson
191
00:08:27,221 --> 00:08:28,787
to throw a punch
at the guy.
192
00:08:28,821 --> 00:08:31,323
That's why I got to lure
him out here to come to me.
193
00:08:31,357 --> 00:08:33,259
Remember, Liam
Neeson's Irish.
194
00:08:33,293 --> 00:08:35,595
That's why I'm dressing
up as the one woman
195
00:08:35,629 --> 00:08:39,828
no Irishman can resist:
Mrs. Potato Head.
196
00:08:39,862 --> 00:08:42,163
PETER (high-pitched):
Ooh, Mrs. Potato Head here!
197
00:08:42,197 --> 00:08:45,772
Any Irish actors around
who might be interested in me?
198
00:08:45,806 --> 00:08:47,437
You're damn right, darlin'.
199
00:08:47,471 --> 00:08:49,572
Colin Farrell?
What are you doing here?
200
00:08:49,606 --> 00:08:51,043
Shoo! Shoo! Get away!
201
00:08:51,077 --> 00:08:53,948
Oh-ho, you're
a feisty potato.
202
00:08:56,182 --> 00:08:59,182
(normal voice): The back is all
mashed potatoes now.
203
00:09:01,058 --> 00:09:03,563
Okay, guys, there's no better
way to draw out an Irishman
204
00:09:03,597 --> 00:09:06,029
than setting up
a confession booth.
205
00:09:11,244 --> 00:09:13,244
LIAM NEESON: Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned.
206
00:09:13,246 --> 00:09:15,885
It has been one day
since my last confession.
207
00:09:15,919 --> 00:09:17,222
Go on, my son.
208
00:09:17,256 --> 00:09:18,888
I killed
200 wolves.
209
00:09:18,921 --> 00:09:21,024
After the movie,
I got the taste for it.
210
00:09:21,058 --> 00:09:22,425
Did you kill them quickly?
211
00:09:22,459 --> 00:09:24,362
No. Wolves
must be tortured.
212
00:09:24,396 --> 00:09:26,836
The best way to kill wolves
is to kill their leader,
213
00:09:26,870 --> 00:09:30,771
wear his skin, kiss some of
the wolves, then kill them.
214
00:09:30,805 --> 00:09:33,372
I also steal small
items from 7-Eleven.
215
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,444
SweeTarts, Jolly
Ranchers, and the like.
216
00:09:35,478 --> 00:09:36,981
Sometimes
a lighter.
217
00:09:37,015 --> 00:09:38,581
I don't
even smoke.
218
00:09:38,615 --> 00:09:40,918
Sometimes I roll up
those tattoo magazines,
219
00:09:40,952 --> 00:09:42,519
stuff 'em
up my sleeve.
220
00:09:42,553 --> 00:09:45,191
If I get caught, I just
tell the man I forgot.
221
00:09:45,225 --> 00:09:47,863
Then, of course, it's
back to murdering wolves.
222
00:09:47,897 --> 00:09:50,328
All right.
Uh, that'll be, uh...
223
00:09:50,362 --> 00:09:52,064
three Hail Marys.
224
00:09:52,098 --> 00:09:53,536
Tough but fair.
225
00:09:53,570 --> 00:09:55,873
Thank you, Father.
226
00:09:56,907 --> 00:09:58,273
Uh, hey, not so fast!
227
00:09:58,307 --> 00:10:00,775
Excuse me, sir. We were sent
here by the production.
228
00:10:00,809 --> 00:10:02,839
Are you the guy who's been
looking for Liam Neeson?
229
00:10:02,873 --> 00:10:05,247
I am.
Do you mind if we ask what for?
230
00:10:05,281 --> 00:10:07,376
Yeah, I was hopin'
to inflict violence upon him.
231
00:10:07,417 --> 00:10:09,511
All right,
you're coming with us.
232
00:10:09,553 --> 00:10:10,847
Don't worry, Peter!
233
00:10:10,881 --> 00:10:13,718
We'll raise your bail money
as soon as we can!
234
00:10:14,753 --> 00:10:16,391
Uh, excuse me, sir.
235
00:10:16,425 --> 00:10:17,855
My phone's not working.
236
00:10:17,889 --> 00:10:21,191
Do you mind if I follow
you home and use yours?
237
00:10:24,433 --> 00:10:26,737
All right, kids,
238
00:10:26,771 --> 00:10:28,740
Miss Tammy's in her car
yelling at her boyfriend
239
00:10:28,774 --> 00:10:32,541
on the phone again, so it
looks like I'm doing lunch.
240
00:10:35,450 --> 00:10:37,418
Okay, Landon,
time to sabotage you
241
00:10:37,452 --> 00:10:40,490
with the most dangerous thing
in the world for a toddler:
242
00:10:40,524 --> 00:10:42,923
a whole, uncut grape.
243
00:10:45,302 --> 00:10:47,435
God, look how fat
kids are getting.
244
00:10:47,469 --> 00:10:49,299
Oh, Landon, no!
245
00:10:49,333 --> 00:10:51,203
Uh-uh, you could
choke on that!
246
00:10:51,237 --> 00:10:53,770
Did your mommy forget to
slice your grapes for you?
247
00:10:53,804 --> 00:10:55,443
Here, let me help.
248
00:10:55,477 --> 00:10:57,643
Ugh, there's nothing
to cut these with.
249
00:11:01,352 --> 00:11:03,086
Oh, that's it, Landon!
250
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:04,822
If you're gonna
seduce my mother,
251
00:11:04,856 --> 00:11:06,887
then I shall seduce yours.
252
00:11:06,921 --> 00:11:10,424
I'll be as irresistible to her
as wood is to a woodchuck.
253
00:11:10,458 --> 00:11:13,193
Mom, Dad, I've done
a lot of thinking,
254
00:11:13,235 --> 00:11:16,101
and I've decided I don't want
to go into the family business.
255
00:11:16,142 --> 00:11:17,910
I want to be
a doctor.
256
00:11:17,944 --> 00:11:20,247
Hmm. Let's try that on
for size.
257
00:11:20,281 --> 00:11:23,880
How much disease could
a woodchuck doctor cure
258
00:11:23,914 --> 00:11:26,783
if a woodchuck doctor
could cure disease?
259
00:11:26,817 --> 00:11:28,614
Is that sounding right to you?
260
00:11:28,656 --> 00:11:30,421
No.
261
00:11:30,455 --> 00:11:32,253
- Hey, Jimmy?
- Yeah, Dad?
262
00:11:32,287 --> 00:11:34,188
Next time, if you have an idea,
263
00:11:34,222 --> 00:11:37,555
run it through the test
before you embarrass yourself.
264
00:11:41,165 --> 00:11:43,964
(door creaks open,
footsteps approach)
265
00:11:43,998 --> 00:11:45,196
Wake up, Griffin.
266
00:11:45,238 --> 00:11:47,533
Your bail's been posted.
267
00:11:47,575 --> 00:11:49,372
What time is it?
268
00:11:51,638 --> 00:11:53,740
I did.
269
00:11:53,774 --> 00:11:56,812
Oh, sorry. I thought you were
gonna ask something else.
270
00:11:56,846 --> 00:11:59,646
Liam Neeson?!
You posted my bail?!
271
00:11:59,687 --> 00:12:01,950
That's right. I hear
you've been all over town
272
00:12:01,984 --> 00:12:04,189
saying you could kick my arse.
273
00:12:04,223 --> 00:12:06,756
Well, there's no time
like the present.
274
00:12:10,726 --> 00:12:14,595
Go ahead, take...
your best... shot.
275
00:12:14,629 --> 00:12:16,163
Oh, no, no, no,
Mr. Neeson,
276
00:12:16,197 --> 00:12:17,427
you heard wrong.
277
00:12:17,469 --> 00:12:19,803
There's nobody who
respects you more than I do.
278
00:12:19,837 --> 00:12:22,602
May I offer you the most
sincere, honest apology I...?
279
00:12:22,636 --> 00:12:24,035
Ha, ha!
280
00:12:24,069 --> 00:12:25,675
Ow! Ah, damn it!
281
00:12:25,709 --> 00:12:28,275
My hands are stinging
from the vibrations!
282
00:12:28,309 --> 00:12:29,675
My turn.
283
00:12:29,709 --> 00:12:30,907
Aah!
284
00:12:30,949 --> 00:12:32,979
ANNOUNCER:
Will Liam Neeson punch Peter?
285
00:12:33,013 --> 00:12:35,650
Will Stewie stop being jealous
of his mom or something?
286
00:12:35,685 --> 00:12:38,417
Stay tuned for the thrilling
conclusion of this story,
287
00:12:38,452 --> 00:12:41,289
and the just-regular conclusion
of the other story.
288
00:12:46,863 --> 00:12:48,564
Oh, please don't hurt me!
289
00:12:48,598 --> 00:12:51,500
I was just trying to seem
tough in front of my friends!
290
00:12:51,535 --> 00:12:53,229
Well, you're in trouble
now, lad.
291
00:12:53,271 --> 00:12:56,300
I've been a world-famous
tough guy since I was 55.
292
00:12:56,334 --> 00:12:57,614
Please, please,
I'll do anything!
293
00:12:57,637 --> 00:12:59,570
Anything you want,
just don't kill me!
294
00:12:59,604 --> 00:13:01,305
What could you possibly
do for me?
295
00:13:01,339 --> 00:13:02,966
I'll-I'll-I'll
shine your shoes,
296
00:13:03,008 --> 00:13:04,301
or scrub your toilets!
297
00:13:04,335 --> 00:13:05,668
Or coil your penis!
298
00:13:05,702 --> 00:13:06,836
The Internet tells
me that's something
299
00:13:06,870 --> 00:13:08,476
you might have
a need for.
300
00:13:08,510 --> 00:13:11,845
Hmm... well, that could save me
some time in the morning.
301
00:13:11,879 --> 00:13:14,508
Whatever it takes for
you to not beat me up.
302
00:13:14,550 --> 00:13:15,843
All right, it's a deal.
303
00:13:15,877 --> 00:13:17,683
You can help me
with some chores.
304
00:13:17,717 --> 00:13:20,219
But one slip-up,
and you'll be deader
305
00:13:20,253 --> 00:13:23,355
than the first man to die
in the Battle of the Boyne.
306
00:13:23,389 --> 00:13:24,587
(men shouting, weapon firing)
307
00:13:24,621 --> 00:13:25,755
(groans)
308
00:13:25,789 --> 00:13:27,122
(gagging)
309
00:13:27,156 --> 00:13:29,154
(weaponry firing in distance)
310
00:13:33,735 --> 00:13:37,208
Normally when we do those,
there's-there's, like, a joke.
311
00:13:37,242 --> 00:13:39,675
I'm not your clown.
312
00:13:47,088 --> 00:13:49,494
All right, Landon,
let's see how you like it
313
00:13:49,528 --> 00:13:51,591
when someone moves in
on your territory.
314
00:13:51,632 --> 00:13:56,000
Let's just say your mom's about
to see a diaper rashy scrotum.
315
00:13:57,403 --> 00:14:00,507
Wow, I didn't know Landon
had a younger sister.
316
00:14:00,541 --> 00:14:03,243
Oh, hi. Aren't you a cutie.
317
00:14:03,277 --> 00:14:05,244
Oh my God,
this is gonna happen.
318
00:14:05,278 --> 00:14:07,452
Okay, go run along
with your teacher.
319
00:14:07,486 --> 00:14:09,020
Time for me to go.
320
00:14:09,054 --> 00:14:10,653
W-Wait, wait,
don't leave!
321
00:14:10,687 --> 00:14:11,885
Ow! My knee!
322
00:14:11,919 --> 00:14:14,052
(crying)
323
00:14:14,094 --> 00:14:16,461
Oh, sweetie,
did you get a boo-boo?
324
00:14:16,495 --> 00:14:18,494
Here, let me kiss it
and make it better.
325
00:14:20,033 --> 00:14:22,504
Okay, that's
more like it.
326
00:14:24,202 --> 00:14:28,672
Oh, I certainly hope no one sees
Landon's mom bobbing for Stew.
327
00:14:30,546 --> 00:14:32,679
Yeah, get in there.
328
00:14:32,713 --> 00:14:34,143
Damn it, she's
not watching.
329
00:14:34,177 --> 00:14:35,511
You keep going, though.
330
00:14:35,545 --> 00:14:37,950
Don't forget about the
underneath part of my knee.
331
00:14:41,985 --> 00:14:44,391
Okay, Peter, I've got
a list of chores here.
332
00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:47,559
Um, first, I've been summoned
to be a potential juror,
333
00:14:47,593 --> 00:14:49,223
but I don't want to go,
334
00:14:49,265 --> 00:14:51,358
so I need you to report
in my name.
335
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:54,597
Prospective juror number 17,
the defendant is a kraken.
336
00:14:54,631 --> 00:14:57,367
Would you have any problem
convicting a kraken?
337
00:14:57,401 --> 00:15:00,736
Um, I would try to be fair,
but, uh, I am on record,
338
00:15:00,778 --> 00:15:03,439
you know, very famously,
as having released a kraken.
339
00:15:03,473 --> 00:15:06,646
Your Honor, we'd like to thank
and excuse juror number 17.
340
00:15:07,944 --> 00:15:09,310
Hey, man, thanks.
341
00:15:09,344 --> 00:15:10,919
Yeah, good luck, man.
342
00:15:13,017 --> 00:15:15,583
Okay, I have another
important job for you.
343
00:15:15,624 --> 00:15:17,623
I want you to take
over my Twitter feed
344
00:15:17,657 --> 00:15:19,927
and tweet back
to my fans.
345
00:15:22,865 --> 00:15:24,263
(typing)
346
00:15:27,634 --> 00:15:29,504
See? Like that.
347
00:15:29,538 --> 00:15:32,304
You get the gist of
what my Twitter is about.
348
00:15:34,305 --> 00:15:36,744
Peter, I was
at an outdoor mall today,
349
00:15:36,778 --> 00:15:39,882
and there was a kiosk selling
little remote control cars.
350
00:15:39,916 --> 00:15:41,882
One of them drove
right up to me.
351
00:15:41,916 --> 00:15:43,282
(laughs)
352
00:15:43,316 --> 00:15:46,756
It was very funny and enjoyable,
so what I need you to do is
353
00:15:46,790 --> 00:15:50,028
to go to a local gym and ask men
to pee in your hands.
354
00:15:50,062 --> 00:15:52,763
I-I don't see the
connection there.
355
00:15:52,797 --> 00:15:54,698
Do I need
to repeat myself?
356
00:15:54,732 --> 00:15:56,562
The car came
right up to me.
357
00:15:56,595 --> 00:16:00,099
It... it did spins
and had flashing lights.
358
00:16:00,141 --> 00:16:01,837
I enjoyed it.
359
00:16:01,871 --> 00:16:04,245
Go to the gym,
kneel down in the shower,
360
00:16:04,279 --> 00:16:07,445
and ask strange men
to pee in your cupped hands.
361
00:16:07,479 --> 00:16:09,118
(sighs)
362
00:16:09,152 --> 00:16:10,551
(water running)
363
00:16:10,585 --> 00:16:12,655
Hey, man, did Liam
Neeson send you?
364
00:16:12,689 --> 00:16:14,287
(chuckles)
365
00:16:14,321 --> 00:16:16,886
Yeah, he loves
them little cars.
366
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:25,535
All right, guys, how are
we doing on Peter's bail money?
367
00:16:25,569 --> 00:16:27,431
I got my whole family
praying on it.
368
00:16:27,473 --> 00:16:28,671
Well, that's
very helpful.
369
00:16:28,705 --> 00:16:30,103
How about you, Joe?
370
00:16:30,138 --> 00:16:32,704
Oh, Bonnie won't let me
spend any more money on Peter
371
00:16:32,745 --> 00:16:34,712
because he's not
very nice to me.
372
00:16:34,746 --> 00:16:36,176
- Hey, guys.
- What the hell?!
373
00:16:36,210 --> 00:16:38,177
You're out of jail!
How'd you get out?
374
00:16:38,219 --> 00:16:40,311
With my smooth
talki... ta...
375
00:16:40,345 --> 00:16:42,517
My... I used...
I... My... word...
376
00:16:42,551 --> 00:16:44,582
My... I words...
I used words.
377
00:16:44,616 --> 00:16:46,055
Wow. Glad you're back.
378
00:16:46,089 --> 00:16:47,551
So, you ready to admit
379
00:16:47,593 --> 00:16:49,792
you're never gonna kick
Liam Neeson's ass?
380
00:16:49,826 --> 00:16:52,927
It just so happens,
Joe, that I already did.
381
00:16:52,961 --> 00:16:54,231
You what?!
382
00:16:54,265 --> 00:16:55,631
If you beat up
Liam Neeson,
383
00:16:55,665 --> 00:16:57,263
how come it wasn't
in the papers?
384
00:16:57,297 --> 00:16:58,903
Oh, you know, he's a big star.
385
00:16:58,937 --> 00:17:00,535
He had the whole thing
covered up.
386
00:17:00,569 --> 00:17:02,702
Everybody knows Irish Catholics
control the media.
387
00:17:02,736 --> 00:17:04,903
(phone buzzing)
388
00:17:08,313 --> 00:17:10,373
Oop, uh, oh, Chris
was shot at school.
389
00:17:10,407 --> 00:17:13,213
(chuckles) If it's not
one thing, it's another.
390
00:17:17,214 --> 00:17:19,050
You know what?
I-I've thought about it.
391
00:17:19,084 --> 00:17:20,482
Do what you want
with Landon.
392
00:17:20,516 --> 00:17:22,818
Just don't do it
in front of me, all right?
393
00:17:22,852 --> 00:17:24,187
Oh, hi, Landon.
394
00:17:24,221 --> 00:17:25,893
How are you today, cutie?
395
00:17:25,927 --> 00:17:28,127
Aah! What did I
just tell you?!
396
00:17:28,161 --> 00:17:29,894
I hate this! I hate you!
397
00:17:29,928 --> 00:17:31,165
I hate everything!
398
00:17:31,199 --> 00:17:33,595
(sobbing)
399
00:17:33,630 --> 00:17:35,532
Oh, Stewie, you're upset.
400
00:17:35,566 --> 00:17:37,866
Are... are you jealous?
401
00:17:37,900 --> 00:17:40,137
Yes! You've destroyed us!
402
00:17:40,171 --> 00:17:42,136
Were you at least safe?
403
00:17:42,170 --> 00:17:44,440
Oh, don't worry, sweetie.
404
00:17:44,474 --> 00:17:46,671
You'll always be
my favorite little boy.
405
00:17:46,705 --> 00:17:49,406
I will?
406
00:17:53,142 --> 00:17:56,778
And besides, my week
as a helper mommy is done now,
407
00:17:56,812 --> 00:18:00,713
so when you come home today,
you'll have me all to yourself.
408
00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:02,552
Oh. Ok... Okay.
409
00:18:02,586 --> 00:18:04,247
(sniffles)
410
00:18:04,282 --> 00:18:06,215
Hey, you-you hear that,
Landon?
411
00:18:06,257 --> 00:18:09,150
That's how you keep
your bitch in line.
412
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:15,060
So, you know, Jar Jar
wasn't there the whole time.
413
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:16,828
It was just a
green screen.
414
00:18:16,862 --> 00:18:18,659
Yes, I heard you
say that earlier.
415
00:18:18,693 --> 00:18:19,962
(knocking on door)
QUAGMIRE: Peter?
416
00:18:19,996 --> 00:18:22,866
Quagmire? Cleveland?!
417
00:18:22,900 --> 00:18:24,602
And me.
I'm here, too.
418
00:18:24,635 --> 00:18:26,233
You're wh...?
What are you doing here?
419
00:18:26,267 --> 00:18:28,337
Well, you were acting weird,
so we followed you.
420
00:18:28,371 --> 00:18:29,737
We want to know
what's going on.
421
00:18:29,771 --> 00:18:31,273
Well, h-how'd you
guys get on the set?
422
00:18:31,307 --> 00:18:33,273
I bit the security guard
in the nards.
423
00:18:33,307 --> 00:18:36,610
I don't like to do it a lot,
but you're my friend, Peter.
424
00:18:36,644 --> 00:18:37,977
Who are these
two idiots?
425
00:18:38,011 --> 00:18:38,913
JOE: Three.
Three idiots.
426
00:18:38,947 --> 00:18:39,913
Big fan.
427
00:18:39,947 --> 00:18:41,481
And what's up
with Liam Neeson?
428
00:18:41,515 --> 00:18:42,945
You said
you kicked his ass.
429
00:18:42,987 --> 00:18:44,153
(sighs)
430
00:18:44,187 --> 00:18:45,187
Look, you guys, I...
431
00:18:45,188 --> 00:18:47,089
I lied about that.
432
00:18:47,123 --> 00:18:48,089
What?!
433
00:18:48,123 --> 00:18:49,825
I acted like such a big man,
434
00:18:49,859 --> 00:18:52,426
and I didn't want to admit
I was a coward.
435
00:18:52,460 --> 00:18:54,992
I was too scared
to fight Liam Neeson.
436
00:18:55,026 --> 00:18:57,160
That's why he's
my big fat houseboy now.
437
00:18:57,193 --> 00:18:59,128
Now, Peter,
I'm out of crackers,
438
00:18:59,169 --> 00:19:00,432
and I'm gluten-free,
439
00:19:00,466 --> 00:19:02,736
so what I need you to
do is go to a local gym
440
00:19:02,770 --> 00:19:04,272
and ask men to
pee in your hands.
441
00:19:04,306 --> 00:19:05,840
What the hell?!
442
00:19:05,906 --> 00:19:08,240
Come on, what are you
waiting for, Griffin?
443
00:19:08,274 --> 00:19:11,713
No, Liam, I'm not doing
your stupid chores anymore.
444
00:19:11,747 --> 00:19:13,713
And there's something else
I got to tell you.
445
00:19:13,747 --> 00:19:15,218
Your story thread
in Love, Actually
446
00:19:15,252 --> 00:19:17,218
is the second worst.
447
00:19:17,252 --> 00:19:18,818
You better take that back.
448
00:19:18,852 --> 00:19:22,658
No way your son would learn the
drums in that amount of time.
449
00:19:22,692 --> 00:19:24,226
Oh, that tears it!
450
00:19:24,260 --> 00:19:25,529
(groans)
451
00:19:28,531 --> 00:19:30,761
(grunting)
452
00:19:30,803 --> 00:19:32,633
(grunting)
453
00:19:32,667 --> 00:19:34,001
Aah!
(grunts)
454
00:19:34,035 --> 00:19:35,999
(grunts)
455
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:40,501
(grunting)
456
00:19:40,535 --> 00:19:42,341
(Peter whimpers,
Liam grunts)
457
00:19:42,375 --> 00:19:44,077
(groans, glass squeaking)
458
00:19:44,879 --> 00:19:47,340
(groans)
459
00:19:52,519 --> 00:19:55,589
(both grunting)
460
00:19:57,558 --> 00:19:59,155
(gasping)
461
00:19:59,189 --> 00:20:00,386
(groans)
462
00:20:01,691 --> 00:20:03,393
(groaning)
463
00:20:03,427 --> 00:20:04,336
(groaning)
464
00:20:04,360 --> 00:20:05,458
JOE: Hey, Peter, you're
up there, now?
465
00:20:05,459 --> 00:20:06,887
Who's winning?
466
00:20:06,929 --> 00:20:07,929
Aah!
467
00:20:08,929 --> 00:20:09,929
(coughs)
468
00:20:14,603 --> 00:20:18,273
(whimpering)
469
00:20:18,307 --> 00:20:19,808
(screaming)
470
00:20:21,739 --> 00:20:23,377
(yells in pain)
471
00:20:29,992 --> 00:20:31,990
Now, if you'll excuse me,
472
00:20:32,024 --> 00:20:34,622
I'm off to get a free
movie set haircut.
473
00:20:35,759 --> 00:20:37,228
Damn it!
474
00:20:37,262 --> 00:20:40,164
I was stupid to think I
could beat up Liam Neeson.
475
00:20:40,945 --> 00:20:42,910
You guys must
think I'm pathetic.
476
00:20:42,944 --> 00:20:45,412
Are you kidding?
You took on the star of Kinsey!
477
00:20:45,415 --> 00:20:46,916
Yeah, and more
importantly,
478
00:20:46,950 --> 00:20:49,552
you followed through
on your drunken ravings.
479
00:20:49,719 --> 00:20:51,848
Wow. I guess
you're right.
480
00:20:52,570 --> 00:20:54,319
Thanks, guys.
481
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:55,918
You know, I guess
the lesson here is,
482
00:20:55,952 --> 00:20:57,253
Oskar Schindler
wasn't real.
483
00:20:57,287 --> 00:20:58,885
And neither was
anything in that movie.
484
00:20:58,927 --> 00:21:00,989
I-I-I don't think
that's the lesson.
485
00:21:03,232 --> 00:21:09,732
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man