1
00:00:01,737 --> 00:00:04,606
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:05,085 --> 00:00:08,358
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,392 --> 00:00:11,927
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:11,961 --> 00:00:14,929
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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00:00:14,963 --> 00:00:18,439
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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00:00:18,473 --> 00:00:21,751
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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00:00:21,785 --> 00:00:23,322
♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:24,726 --> 00:00:26,446
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:26,447 --> 00:00:30,447
♪ Family Guy 13x17 ♪
Fighting Irish
Original Air Date on May 3, 2015
11
00:00:30,448 --> 00:00:35,948
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
WEB-DL sync by jasonnguyen2606
12
00:00:35,949 --> 00:00:41,550
And that is why chest hair
is on its way... back.
13
00:00:41,592 --> 00:00:42,822
Hey, guys.
I got something for you,
14
00:00:42,856 --> 00:00:45,223
an invitation for each
of you to Quagfest.
15
00:00:45,257 --> 00:00:47,425
Quagfest?
What's that?
16
00:00:47,467 --> 00:00:49,240
"You and a guest
are cordially invited
17
00:00:49,265 --> 00:00:52,603
"to witness Glenn Quagmire's
1,000th sexual conquest
18
00:00:52,628 --> 00:00:55,690
"at Quagfest, a three-day
festival celebrating
19
00:00:55,715 --> 00:00:57,950
the three F's:
food, fun, and..."
20
00:00:57,975 --> 00:00:59,401
Oh, my.
21
00:00:59,426 --> 00:01:01,756
Yeah, they almost wouldn't print
that at Kinko's.
22
00:01:01,781 --> 00:01:03,410
Damn! 1,000 women?
23
00:01:03,444 --> 00:01:05,682
Well, 1,000
sexual conquests.
24
00:01:05,716 --> 00:01:07,681
(chuckles)
No further questions.
25
00:01:07,715 --> 00:01:09,393
Sounds like fun, Glenn!
26
00:01:09,418 --> 00:01:10,882
Yeah, I'm closing down
the whole street.
27
00:01:10,907 --> 00:01:12,300
It's gonna be like a block party
28
00:01:12,325 --> 00:01:15,027
but with way more weirdos
grinding up against your wives.
29
00:01:15,061 --> 00:01:16,458
That sounds awesome!
30
00:01:16,492 --> 00:01:18,457
There hasn't been that kind
of excitement on our street
31
00:01:18,482 --> 00:01:21,113
since we had that big Dumpster
in our front yard.
32
00:01:21,147 --> 00:01:25,054
Can someone take out the garbage?
I will!
33
00:01:25,088 --> 00:01:27,790
(ascending stairs)
34
00:01:27,824 --> 00:01:29,791
PETER:
Yeah!
35
00:01:29,825 --> 00:01:32,127
Yeah! Smash! Boom!
36
00:01:32,161 --> 00:01:36,500
Someone stop him. Last time, he
threw out our whole bedroom.
37
00:01:36,525 --> 00:01:38,476
STEWIE:
I'm still in here!
38
00:01:38,510 --> 00:01:42,615
Oh, big Dumpster... that-that reminds me,
Ice-T's wife is also coming to Quagfest.
39
00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:46,270
And in local news, Hollywood
comes to Quahog, almost,
40
00:01:46,295 --> 00:01:48,844
as three hours from here
in Waterbury, Connecticut,
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00:01:48,869 --> 00:01:51,628
Liam Neeson has begun shooting
his latest film.
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00:01:51,662 --> 00:01:54,845
His new project is reportedly
an historical epic,
43
00:01:54,870 --> 00:01:58,701
in which Mr. Neeson stars as a
vengeance-crazed Albert Einstein.
44
00:01:58,735 --> 00:02:01,416
Channel Five News
has this exclusive first look
45
00:02:01,441 --> 00:02:04,349
that I taped off my VCR
from Entertainment Tonight.
46
00:02:04,383 --> 00:02:06,687
All right,
I'll give you the formula.
47
00:02:06,721 --> 00:02:10,361
My foot equals
your balls squared.
48
00:02:12,326 --> 00:02:14,801
Pfft. Liam Neeson. What a fraud.
49
00:02:14,826 --> 00:02:16,794
Oh, come on, Peter.
Not this again.
50
00:02:16,819 --> 00:02:19,551
What? He's a fake tough guy.
I could totally kick his ass.
51
00:02:19,576 --> 00:02:22,834
Knock it off. We've had to hear
this same speech a million times.
52
00:02:22,859 --> 00:02:24,823
Yeah, every time you get
a couple of beers in you,
53
00:02:24,848 --> 00:02:27,414
we have to hear all about
how you can beat up Liam Neeson.
54
00:02:27,448 --> 00:02:29,476
That's not true.
Yes, it is.
55
00:02:29,501 --> 00:02:32,592
What about that time we
snuck beers into the opera?
56
00:02:32,626 --> 00:02:34,624
(singing)
57
00:02:45,509 --> 00:02:48,510
(continues singing)
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00:02:55,291 --> 00:02:57,289
(crescendoes)
59
00:02:59,291 --> 00:03:02,097
PETER (slurred): I could
totally beat up Liam Neeson.
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00:03:02,131 --> 00:03:04,130
(resumes singing)
61
00:03:12,688 --> 00:03:14,669
Hey, you know this old woman
who lived in a shoe,
62
00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:16,844
she had so many children,
she didn't know what to do?
63
00:03:16,886 --> 00:03:19,852
I got something she could do.
Get your tubes tied, you kook!
64
00:03:19,887 --> 00:03:23,021
Hey, how you doing on that chocolate milk?
You need a little freshen-up?
65
00:03:23,055 --> 00:03:25,293
There's
my little sweetie.
66
00:03:25,327 --> 00:03:26,790
Are you ready
to go home, Stewie?
67
00:03:26,824 --> 00:03:28,601
Oh, Lois,
I'm glad you're here.
68
00:03:28,635 --> 00:03:30,937
I noticed that you're one
of the moms who hasn't yet
69
00:03:30,962 --> 00:03:32,669
signed up to be
a classroom volunteer.
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00:03:32,710 --> 00:03:36,089
Oh, I-I just assumed after
that incident in the parking lot
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00:03:36,114 --> 00:03:38,333
with that bitch in the Lexus,
you wouldn't want me to.
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00:03:38,358 --> 00:03:41,524
But, yeah, I'd be happy
to help out in the class.
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00:03:41,558 --> 00:03:43,789
What? I don't want you here.
This is my turf.
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00:03:43,823 --> 00:03:46,316
I don't bother you when you're
sitting on the washing machine,
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00:03:46,343 --> 00:03:48,196
screaming Aaron Eckhart's name.
76
00:03:48,221 --> 00:03:51,066
Great! We'd love to have you
start tomorrow, if you're free.
77
00:03:51,091 --> 00:03:53,504
Sure, let me just
check my schedule.
78
00:03:53,538 --> 00:03:57,483
Hmm, I guess I could
just get the mail at night.
79
00:03:57,508 --> 00:03:59,506
(indistinct chatter,
music playing)
80
00:04:03,585 --> 00:04:07,089
Wow, Quagfest is a bigger deal
than I thought.
81
00:04:07,123 --> 00:04:11,993
Oh, look, here's a simulation of what
it's like to have sex with Quagmire.
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00:04:15,426 --> 00:04:16,992
Hi.
83
00:04:17,026 --> 00:04:18,695
(sips)
84
00:04:21,769 --> 00:04:22,769
Bye!
85
00:04:24,435 --> 00:04:26,441
(marching band playing)
86
00:04:28,611 --> 00:04:30,578
All right, kids,
now pay attention, all right?
87
00:04:30,612 --> 00:04:33,715
These are all of Quagmire's
women organized by country.
88
00:04:33,748 --> 00:04:35,747
There's Brazil.
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00:04:36,749 --> 00:04:38,524
There's Italy.
90
00:04:38,558 --> 00:04:40,524
And there's Thailand. Wow.
91
00:04:40,558 --> 00:04:44,156
Wow, they're young.
We should go.
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00:04:44,198 --> 00:04:46,554
I'd like to thank you all
for coming to Quagfest.
93
00:04:46,579 --> 00:04:51,033
Now, no celebration of my 1,000th would be
complete without first meeting number one.
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00:04:51,068 --> 00:04:54,169
Here she is, all the way from
Weathersfield Elementary School,
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00:04:54,203 --> 00:04:56,201
Miss Eleanor!
(applause)
96
00:05:02,949 --> 00:05:05,244
Do I still get
a piece of candy after?
97
00:05:05,286 --> 00:05:06,516
(laughter)
98
00:05:09,048 --> 00:05:13,834
Nice lady. All right, we've met number one.
Now let's meet number 1,000!
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00:05:13,859 --> 00:05:15,875
(dramatic rock music playing)
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00:05:22,071 --> 00:05:26,036
Ladies and gentlemen,
my 1,000th sexual conquest is...
101
00:05:26,061 --> 00:05:28,059
this largemouth bass!
102
00:05:28,092 --> 00:05:29,413
(giggles)
103
00:05:29,438 --> 00:05:32,457
Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
I'm weird.
104
00:05:32,482 --> 00:05:36,111
I thought I was here to watch normal
intercourse on a residential street.
105
00:05:36,136 --> 00:05:38,302
Children, we're leaving!
106
00:05:44,746 --> 00:05:47,976
Oh, this'll be so fun volunteering
in your class, Stewie.
107
00:05:48,018 --> 00:05:49,647
Eat my button,
you whore.
108
00:05:49,681 --> 00:05:51,648
Oh, Lois, I'm so
glad you're here.
109
00:05:51,682 --> 00:05:53,455
I got to run out
to the parking lot.
110
00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:55,529
I'm buying cigarettes
from some guy on Craigslist.
111
00:05:55,554 --> 00:05:57,919
Go ahead.
I'll handle the kids.
112
00:05:57,953 --> 00:06:00,126
(crying)
113
00:06:00,151 --> 00:06:02,253
Oh, Landon,
what's the matter?
114
00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:05,291
Aw, did you spill juice
on yourself, sweetheart?
115
00:06:05,325 --> 00:06:07,627
"Sweetheart"? Slow your roll
there, Cougar Town.
116
00:06:07,661 --> 00:06:10,362
Well, let's get you cleaned up.
And you know what?
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00:06:10,396 --> 00:06:13,098
For today,
you can be my little helper.
118
00:06:13,132 --> 00:06:15,970
What the hell?! If anyone should
be her helper, it should be me.
119
00:06:16,004 --> 00:06:18,286
She's my mother.
We're supposed to be a team.
120
00:06:18,311 --> 00:06:20,631
Like the Lone Ranger and Tonto.
121
00:06:20,656 --> 00:06:23,118
Well, Tonto, the bad guys
are going to jail.
122
00:06:23,143 --> 00:06:25,149
Looks like this little town
is safe again.
123
00:06:25,183 --> 00:06:26,750
Yes, Kemosabe.
124
00:06:26,784 --> 00:06:30,021
So, uh, what do you say?
Want to grab a drink, maybe dinner?
125
00:06:30,056 --> 00:06:33,054
Sorry. Me no like to
hang with work people.
126
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,230
Well, I got to hand
it to you, Quagmire.
127
00:06:41,263 --> 00:06:43,230
That Quagfest
was some party.
128
00:06:43,271 --> 00:06:46,172
Yeah, except I got molested
in the House of Mirrors
129
00:06:46,199 --> 00:06:48,972
by either one man
or 100 identical men.
130
00:06:49,004 --> 00:06:51,370
Could've used a
heads-up on that one.
131
00:06:51,404 --> 00:06:54,370
Yeah, I'll tell you who might
want a heads-up: Liam Neeson.
132
00:06:54,412 --> 00:06:55,977
Oh, for God's sake!
133
00:06:56,011 --> 00:06:58,057
'Cause someday,
I'm gonna kick his ass.
134
00:06:58,082 --> 00:06:59,555
Damn it, Peter,
I'm sick of this!
135
00:06:59,580 --> 00:07:01,282
I've had it!
Me, too.
136
00:07:01,316 --> 00:07:03,450
I mean, we just had a
great day of fun and rides
137
00:07:03,475 --> 00:07:05,172
and finger-sniffing,
and all you can talk about
138
00:07:05,197 --> 00:07:06,817
is fighting some guy
you've never even met!
139
00:07:06,851 --> 00:07:08,688
Yeah, he's lucky
we've never met.
140
00:07:08,722 --> 00:07:12,623
I'd knock his teeth down his throat
and out his stupid Irish fudge knot.
141
00:07:12,658 --> 00:07:14,211
You know what?
You're full of it.
142
00:07:14,236 --> 00:07:17,286
If you were ever face-to-face with
Liam Neeson, you'd crap your pants.
143
00:07:17,311 --> 00:07:18,304
No, I wouldn't.
144
00:07:18,329 --> 00:07:19,631
Well, fine.
Let's prove it.
145
00:07:19,665 --> 00:07:21,568
Put up or shut up.
Right now.
146
00:07:21,602 --> 00:07:23,368
What? What are
you talking about?
147
00:07:23,402 --> 00:07:25,421
Well, we know where
Liam Neeson is.
148
00:07:25,446 --> 00:07:28,171
That's right! He's shooting
a movie in Connecticut!
149
00:07:28,205 --> 00:07:30,369
We could be there
in three hours.
150
00:07:30,403 --> 00:07:31,704
All right, great.
151
00:07:31,738 --> 00:07:35,424
Liam Neeson has three more hours to live.
Let's do this.
152
00:07:35,449 --> 00:07:36,613
All right!
Yeah!
153
00:07:36,638 --> 00:07:39,067
I've never been
to Connecticut!
154
00:07:39,109 --> 00:07:43,190
Hang on, fellas. I actually have
been to Connecticut one time.
155
00:07:43,215 --> 00:07:47,874
To meet Loretta at a McDonald's parking
lot to pick up my son, Cleveland, Jr.
156
00:07:47,916 --> 00:07:50,746
I cried in my sedan,
in front of my boy.
157
00:07:50,780 --> 00:07:53,882
It was sad.
That's why I fibbed on it.
158
00:07:53,916 --> 00:07:56,219
I'm sorry.
Can we do a happy yell again
159
00:07:56,244 --> 00:07:58,290
to get the taste out
of my mouth? All right!
160
00:07:58,325 --> 00:08:00,354
Yeah! Yeah!
I've been to Connecticut!
161
00:08:07,362 --> 00:08:10,137
All right, Peter, Liam Neeson must be
on the other side of that barrier.
162
00:08:10,171 --> 00:08:13,040
We just got to get you on that
set, so you can kick his ass.
163
00:08:13,074 --> 00:08:16,471
We're so close, I can
almost taste his ass.
164
00:08:16,505 --> 00:08:18,070
Can I help you?
165
00:08:18,104 --> 00:08:20,227
Hello, sir.
We're here to see Liam Neeson,
166
00:08:20,252 --> 00:08:22,927
the guy who wears the same
long jacket in all his movies.
167
00:08:22,952 --> 00:08:24,878
Sorry, this is
a closed set.
168
00:08:24,912 --> 00:08:28,887
Peter, you're never gonna get close enough
to Liam Neeson to throw a punch at the guy.
169
00:08:28,921 --> 00:08:31,569
That's why I got to lure
him out here to come to me.
170
00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:33,359
Remember, Liam
Neeson's Irish.
171
00:08:33,393 --> 00:08:35,944
That's why I'm dressing
up as the one woman
172
00:08:35,969 --> 00:08:39,928
no Irishman can resist:
Mrs. Potato Head.
173
00:08:39,962 --> 00:08:42,263
PETER (high-pitched):
Ooh, Mrs. Potato Head here!
174
00:08:42,297 --> 00:08:45,872
Any Irish actors around
who might be interested in me?
175
00:08:45,906 --> 00:08:47,537
You're damn right, darlin'.
176
00:08:47,571 --> 00:08:49,672
Colin Farrell?
What are you doing here?
177
00:08:49,706 --> 00:08:51,143
Shoo! Shoo! Get away!
178
00:08:51,177 --> 00:08:54,048
Oh-ho, you're
a feisty potato.
179
00:08:56,282 --> 00:08:59,893
(normal voice): The back is all
mashed potatoes now.
180
00:09:01,158 --> 00:09:03,914
Okay, guys, there's no better
way to draw out an Irishman
181
00:09:03,939 --> 00:09:06,371
than setting up
a confession booth.
182
00:09:11,574 --> 00:09:13,574
LIAM NEESON: Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned.
183
00:09:13,599 --> 00:09:15,985
It has been one day
since my last confession.
184
00:09:16,019 --> 00:09:18,988
Go on, my son.
LIAM NEESON: I killed 200 wolves.
185
00:09:19,021 --> 00:09:21,124
After the movie,
I got the taste for it.
186
00:09:21,158 --> 00:09:22,525
Did you kill them quickly?
187
00:09:22,559 --> 00:09:24,462
LIAM NEESON: No. Wolves
must be tortured.
188
00:09:24,496 --> 00:09:27,178
The best way to kill wolves
is to kill their leader,
189
00:09:27,203 --> 00:09:30,871
wear his skin, kiss some of
the wolves, then kill them.
190
00:09:30,905 --> 00:09:33,472
I also steal small
items from 7-Eleven.
191
00:09:33,506 --> 00:09:35,544
SweeTarts, Jolly
Ranchers, and the like.
192
00:09:35,578 --> 00:09:38,681
Sometimes a lighter.
I don't even smoke.
193
00:09:38,715 --> 00:09:42,619
Sometimes I roll up those tattoo
magazines, stuff 'em up my sleeve.
194
00:09:42,653 --> 00:09:45,291
If I get caught, I just
tell the man I forgot.
195
00:09:45,325 --> 00:09:47,963
Then, of course, it's
back to murdering wolves.
196
00:09:47,997 --> 00:09:52,164
All right. Uh, that'll be, uh...
three Hail Marys.
197
00:09:52,198 --> 00:09:55,973
LIAM NEESON: Tough but fair.
Thank you, Father.
198
00:09:57,007 --> 00:09:58,373
Uh, hey, not so fast!
199
00:09:58,407 --> 00:10:00,875
Excuse me, sir. We were sent
here by the production.
200
00:10:00,909 --> 00:10:02,809
Are you the guy who's been
looking for Liam Neeson?
201
00:10:02,834 --> 00:10:05,215
I am.
Do you mind if we ask what for?
202
00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:07,492
Yeah, I was hopin'
to inflict violence upon him.
203
00:10:07,517 --> 00:10:09,611
All right,
you're coming with us.
204
00:10:09,653 --> 00:10:13,818
Don't worry, Peter! We'll raise
your bail money as soon as we can!
205
00:10:14,853 --> 00:10:17,955
Uh, excuse me, sir.
My phone's not working.
206
00:10:17,989 --> 00:10:21,291
Do you mind if I follow
you home and use yours?
207
00:10:24,533 --> 00:10:29,122
All right, kids, Miss Tammy's in
her car yelling at her boyfriend
208
00:10:29,147 --> 00:10:32,914
on the phone again, so it
looks like I'm doing lunch.
209
00:10:35,550 --> 00:10:38,078
Okay, Landon,
time to sabotage you
210
00:10:38,103 --> 00:10:40,590
with the most dangerous thing
in the world for a toddler:
211
00:10:40,624 --> 00:10:43,023
a whole, uncut grape.
212
00:10:44,983 --> 00:10:47,535
God, look how fat
kids are getting.
213
00:10:47,569 --> 00:10:51,090
Oh, Landon, no! Uh-uh,
you could choke on that!
214
00:10:51,115 --> 00:10:53,648
Did your mommy forget to
slice your grapes for you?
215
00:10:53,673 --> 00:10:55,312
Here, let me help.
216
00:10:55,337 --> 00:10:57,503
Ugh, there's nothing
to cut these with.
217
00:11:01,452 --> 00:11:04,922
Oh, that's it, Landon!
If you're gonna seduce my mother,
218
00:11:04,956 --> 00:11:06,987
then I shall seduce yours.
219
00:11:07,021 --> 00:11:10,524
I'll be as irresistible to her
as wood is to a woodchuck.
220
00:11:10,558 --> 00:11:13,293
Mom, Dad, I've done
a lot of thinking,
221
00:11:13,335 --> 00:11:16,201
and I've decided I don't want
to go into the family business.
222
00:11:16,242 --> 00:11:18,010
I want to be
a doctor.
223
00:11:18,044 --> 00:11:20,347
Hmm. Let's try that on
for size.
224
00:11:20,381 --> 00:11:23,980
How much disease could
a woodchuck doctor cure
225
00:11:24,005 --> 00:11:26,883
if a woodchuck doctor
could cure disease?
226
00:11:26,917 --> 00:11:28,714
Is that sounding right to you?
227
00:11:28,756 --> 00:11:30,141
No.
228
00:11:30,166 --> 00:11:31,964
Hey, Jimmy?
Yeah, Dad?
229
00:11:31,989 --> 00:11:33,914
Next time, if you have an idea,
230
00:11:33,948 --> 00:11:36,548
run it through the test before
you embarrass yourself.
231
00:11:41,265 --> 00:11:44,064
(door creaks open,
footsteps approach)
232
00:11:44,098 --> 00:11:47,633
Wake up, Griffin.
Your bail's been posted.
233
00:11:47,675 --> 00:11:49,472
What time is it?
234
00:11:51,538 --> 00:11:53,640
I did.
235
00:11:53,665 --> 00:11:56,703
Oh, sorry. I thought you were
gonna ask something else.
236
00:11:56,728 --> 00:11:59,528
Liam Neeson?!
You posted my bail?!
237
00:11:59,553 --> 00:12:04,289
That's right. I hear you've been all
over town saying you could kick my arse.
238
00:12:04,323 --> 00:12:06,856
Well, there's no time
like the present.
239
00:12:10,826 --> 00:12:14,695
Go ahead, take...
your best... shot.
240
00:12:14,729 --> 00:12:17,527
Oh, no, no, no,
Mr. Neeson, you heard wrong.
241
00:12:17,569 --> 00:12:19,582
There's nobody who
respects you more than I do.
242
00:12:19,607 --> 00:12:22,711
May I offer you the most
sincere, honest apology I...?
243
00:12:22,736 --> 00:12:24,135
Ha, ha!
244
00:12:24,169 --> 00:12:28,088
Ow! Ah, damn it! My hands are
stinging from the vibrations!
245
00:12:28,113 --> 00:12:29,784
My turn.
246
00:12:29,809 --> 00:12:30,630
Aah!
247
00:12:30,655 --> 00:12:32,715
ANNOUNCER:
Will Liam Neeson punch Peter?
248
00:12:32,740 --> 00:12:35,760
Will Stewie stop being jealous
of his mom or something?
249
00:12:35,785 --> 00:12:38,517
Stay tuned for the thrilling
conclusion of this story,
250
00:12:38,552 --> 00:12:41,389
and the just-regular conclusion
of the other story.
251
00:12:46,963 --> 00:12:48,818
Oh, please don't hurt me!
252
00:12:48,843 --> 00:12:51,600
I was just trying to seem
tough in front of my friends!
253
00:12:51,635 --> 00:12:53,329
Well, you're in trouble
now, lad.
254
00:12:53,371 --> 00:12:56,400
I've been a world-famous
tough guy since I was 55.
255
00:12:56,434 --> 00:12:57,862
Please, please,
I'll do anything!
256
00:12:57,887 --> 00:12:59,679
Anything you want,
just don't kill me!
257
00:12:59,704 --> 00:13:01,749
What could you possibly
do for me?
258
00:13:01,774 --> 00:13:06,072
I'll-I'll-I'll shine your shoes, or
scrub your toilets! Or coil your penis!
259
00:13:06,097 --> 00:13:08,685
The Internet tells me that's
something you might have a need for.
260
00:13:08,710 --> 00:13:12,360
Hmm... well, that could save me
some time in the morning.
261
00:13:12,385 --> 00:13:14,608
Whatever it takes for
you to not beat me up.
262
00:13:14,650 --> 00:13:15,943
All right, it's a deal.
263
00:13:15,977 --> 00:13:17,783
You can help me
with some chores.
264
00:13:17,817 --> 00:13:20,598
But one slip-up,
and you'll be deader
265
00:13:20,623 --> 00:13:23,455
than the first man to die
in the Battle of the Boyne.
266
00:13:23,489 --> 00:13:24,687
(men shouting, weapon firing)
267
00:13:24,721 --> 00:13:25,855
(groans)
268
00:13:25,889 --> 00:13:27,222
(gagging)
269
00:13:27,256 --> 00:13:29,254
(weaponry firing in distance)
270
00:13:34,094 --> 00:13:37,567
Normally when we do those,
there's-there's, like, a joke.
271
00:13:37,592 --> 00:13:39,775
I'm not your clown.
272
00:13:47,188 --> 00:13:49,749
All right, Landon,
let's see how you like it
273
00:13:49,774 --> 00:13:51,691
when someone moves in
on your territory.
274
00:13:51,732 --> 00:13:56,100
Let's just say your mom's about
to see a diaper rashy scrotum.
275
00:13:57,503 --> 00:14:00,607
Wow, I didn't know Landon
had a younger sister.
276
00:14:00,641 --> 00:14:03,343
Oh, hi. Aren't you a cutie.
277
00:14:03,377 --> 00:14:05,344
Oh my God,
this is gonna happen.
278
00:14:05,378 --> 00:14:07,726
Okay, go run along
with your teacher.
279
00:14:07,751 --> 00:14:09,120
Time for me to go.
280
00:14:09,154 --> 00:14:10,620
W-Wait, wait,
don't leave!
281
00:14:10,645 --> 00:14:11,985
Ow! My knee!
282
00:14:12,019 --> 00:14:14,152
(crying)
283
00:14:14,194 --> 00:14:16,561
Oh, sweetie,
did you get a boo-boo?
284
00:14:16,595 --> 00:14:18,594
Here, let me kiss it
and make it better.
285
00:14:20,133 --> 00:14:22,604
Okay, that's
more like it.
286
00:14:24,302 --> 00:14:28,772
Oh, I certainly hope no one sees
Landon's mom bobbing for Stew.
287
00:14:30,646 --> 00:14:32,779
Yeah, get in there.
288
00:14:32,813 --> 00:14:35,611
Damn it, she's not watching.
You keep going, though.
289
00:14:35,645 --> 00:14:38,050
Don't forget about the
underneath part of my knee.
290
00:14:42,247 --> 00:14:44,653
Okay, Peter, I've got
a list of chores here.
291
00:14:44,678 --> 00:14:47,941
Um, first, I've been summoned
to be a potential juror,
292
00:14:47,966 --> 00:14:51,458
but I don't want to go,
so I need you to report in my name.
293
00:14:51,500 --> 00:14:54,697
Prospective juror number 17,
the defendant is a kraken.
294
00:14:54,731 --> 00:14:57,467
Would you have any problem
convicting a kraken?
295
00:14:57,501 --> 00:15:00,953
Um, I would try to be fair,
but, uh, I am on record,
296
00:15:00,978 --> 00:15:03,767
you know, very famously,
as having released a kraken.
297
00:15:03,792 --> 00:15:06,965
Your Honor, we'd like to thank
and excuse juror number 17.
298
00:15:08,044 --> 00:15:09,599
Hey, man, thanks.
299
00:15:09,624 --> 00:15:11,199
Yeah, good luck, man.
300
00:15:13,163 --> 00:15:16,038
Okay, I have another
important job for you.
301
00:15:16,063 --> 00:15:20,027
I want you to take over my Twitter
feed and tweet back to my fans.
302
00:15:22,965 --> 00:15:24,349
(typing)
303
00:15:27,734 --> 00:15:29,604
See? Like that.
304
00:15:29,638 --> 00:15:32,404
You get the gist of
what my Twitter is about.
305
00:15:34,405 --> 00:15:37,099
Peter, I was
at an outdoor mall today,
306
00:15:37,124 --> 00:15:40,579
and there was a kiosk selling
little remote control cars.
307
00:15:40,604 --> 00:15:42,633
One of them drove
right up to me.
308
00:15:42,658 --> 00:15:43,382
(laughs)
309
00:15:43,416 --> 00:15:46,856
It was very funny and enjoyable,
so what I need you to do is
310
00:15:46,890 --> 00:15:50,128
to go to a local gym and ask men
to pee in your hands.
311
00:15:50,162 --> 00:15:52,863
I-I don't see the
connection there.
312
00:15:52,897 --> 00:15:54,798
Do I need
to repeat myself?
313
00:15:54,832 --> 00:15:57,139
The car came
right up to me.
314
00:15:57,164 --> 00:16:01,937
It... it did spins and had flashing lights.
I enjoyed it.
315
00:16:01,971 --> 00:16:04,554
Go to the gym,
kneel down in the shower,
316
00:16:04,579 --> 00:16:07,545
and ask strange men
to pee in your cupped hands.
317
00:16:07,579 --> 00:16:09,218
(sighs)
318
00:16:09,252 --> 00:16:10,651
(water running)
319
00:16:10,685 --> 00:16:12,755
Hey, man, did Liam
Neeson send you?
320
00:16:12,789 --> 00:16:14,387
(chuckles)
321
00:16:14,421 --> 00:16:16,986
Yeah, he loves
them little cars.
322
00:16:22,846 --> 00:16:25,381
All right, guys, how are
we doing on Peter's bail money?
323
00:16:25,406 --> 00:16:27,531
I got my whole family
praying on it.
324
00:16:27,573 --> 00:16:29,665
Well, that's very helpful.
How about you, Joe?
325
00:16:29,690 --> 00:16:32,685
Oh, Bonnie won't let me
spend any more money on Peter
326
00:16:32,710 --> 00:16:34,677
because he's not
very nice to me.
327
00:16:34,846 --> 00:16:38,277
Hey, guys. - What the hell?!
You're out of jail! How'd you get out?
328
00:16:38,319 --> 00:16:40,754
With my smooth
talki... ta...
329
00:16:40,779 --> 00:16:42,854
My... I used...
I... My... word...
330
00:16:42,879 --> 00:16:44,682
My... I words...
I used words.
331
00:16:44,716 --> 00:16:46,155
Wow. Glad you're back.
332
00:16:46,189 --> 00:16:49,892
So, you ready to admit you're never
gonna kick Liam Neeson's ass?
333
00:16:49,926 --> 00:16:53,027
It just so happens,
Joe, that I already did.
334
00:16:53,061 --> 00:16:54,137
You what?!
335
00:16:54,162 --> 00:16:57,363
If you beat up Liam Neeson, how
come it wasn't in the papers?
336
00:16:57,397 --> 00:16:59,003
Oh, you know, he's a big star.
337
00:16:59,037 --> 00:17:00,483
He had the whole thing
covered up.
338
00:17:00,508 --> 00:17:03,064
Everybody knows Irish Catholics
control the media.
339
00:17:03,089 --> 00:17:05,256
(phone buzzing)
340
00:17:08,413 --> 00:17:10,802
Oop, uh, oh, Chris
was shot at school.
341
00:17:10,827 --> 00:17:13,633
(chuckles) If it's not
one thing, it's another.
342
00:17:17,314 --> 00:17:19,150
You know what?
I-I've thought about it.
343
00:17:19,184 --> 00:17:20,582
Do what you want
with Landon.
344
00:17:20,616 --> 00:17:22,702
Just don't do it
in front of me, all right?
345
00:17:22,727 --> 00:17:25,780
Oh, hi, Landon.
How are you today, cutie?
346
00:17:25,805 --> 00:17:28,236
Aah! What did I
just tell you?!
347
00:17:28,261 --> 00:17:31,265
I hate this! I hate you!
I hate everything!
348
00:17:31,299 --> 00:17:33,695
(sobbing)
349
00:17:33,730 --> 00:17:35,632
Oh, Stewie, you're upset.
350
00:17:35,666 --> 00:17:37,966
Are... are you jealous?
351
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:40,468
Yes! You've destroyed us!
352
00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:42,245
Were you at least safe?
353
00:17:42,270 --> 00:17:44,540
Oh, don't worry, sweetie.
354
00:17:44,574 --> 00:17:47,279
You'll always be
my favorite little boy.
355
00:17:47,304 --> 00:17:50,005
I will?
356
00:17:53,242 --> 00:17:56,878
And besides, my week
as a helper mommy is done now,
357
00:17:56,912 --> 00:18:00,813
so when you come home today,
you'll have me all to yourself.
358
00:18:00,847 --> 00:18:03,020
Oh. Ok... Okay.
359
00:18:03,045 --> 00:18:04,347
(sniffles)
360
00:18:04,382 --> 00:18:06,315
Hey, you-you hear that,
Landon?
361
00:18:06,357 --> 00:18:09,250
That's how you keep
your bitch in line.
362
00:18:12,524 --> 00:18:15,435
So, you know, Jar Jar
wasn't there the whole time.
363
00:18:15,460 --> 00:18:16,928
It was just a
green screen.
364
00:18:16,962 --> 00:18:18,759
Yes, I heard you
say that earlier.
365
00:18:18,793 --> 00:18:20,601
(knocking on door)
QUAGMIRE: Peter?
366
00:18:20,626 --> 00:18:22,966
Quagmire? Cleveland?!
367
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:24,702
And me.
I'm here, too.
368
00:18:24,735 --> 00:18:26,333
You're wh...?
What are you doing here?
369
00:18:26,367 --> 00:18:28,437
Well, you were acting weird,
so we followed you.
370
00:18:28,471 --> 00:18:29,837
We want to know
what's going on.
371
00:18:29,871 --> 00:18:31,373
Well, h-how'd you
guys get on the set?
372
00:18:31,407 --> 00:18:33,985
I bit the security guard
in the nards.
373
00:18:34,010 --> 00:18:36,710
I don't like to do it a lot,
but you're my friend, Peter.
374
00:18:36,744 --> 00:18:38,252
Who are these
two idiots?
375
00:18:38,277 --> 00:18:40,379
JOE: Three. Three idiots.
Big fan.
376
00:18:40,404 --> 00:18:43,045
And what's up with Liam Neeson?
You said you kicked his ass.
377
00:18:43,087 --> 00:18:44,253
(sighs)
378
00:18:44,287 --> 00:18:47,189
Look, you guys, I...
I lied about that.
379
00:18:47,223 --> 00:18:48,189
What?!
380
00:18:48,223 --> 00:18:52,526
I acted like such a big man, and I
didn't want to admit I was a coward.
381
00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:55,315
I was too scared
to fight Liam Neeson.
382
00:18:55,340 --> 00:18:57,708
That's why he's
my big fat houseboy now.
383
00:18:57,733 --> 00:19:00,532
Now, Peter, I'm out of
crackers, and I'm gluten-free,
384
00:19:00,566 --> 00:19:04,494
so what I need you to do is go to a local
gym and ask men to pee in your hands.
385
00:19:04,519 --> 00:19:06,375
What the hell?!
386
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:08,734
Come on, what are you
waiting for, Griffin?
387
00:19:08,759 --> 00:19:12,042
No, Liam, I'm not doing
your stupid chores anymore.
388
00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:13,813
And there's something else
I got to tell you.
389
00:19:13,847 --> 00:19:17,318
Your story thread in Love, Actually
is the second worst.
390
00:19:17,352 --> 00:19:18,918
You better take that back.
391
00:19:18,952 --> 00:19:22,758
No way your son would learn the
drums in that amount of time.
392
00:19:22,792 --> 00:19:24,514
Oh, that tears it!
393
00:19:24,539 --> 00:19:25,808
(groans)
394
00:19:28,631 --> 00:19:30,861
(grunting)
395
00:19:30,903 --> 00:19:32,733
(grunting)
396
00:19:32,767 --> 00:19:34,101
Aah!
(grunts)
397
00:19:34,135 --> 00:19:36,099
(grunts)
398
00:19:37,300 --> 00:19:40,601
(grunting)
399
00:19:40,635 --> 00:19:42,441
(Peter whimpers,
Liam grunts)
400
00:19:42,475 --> 00:19:44,177
(groans, glass squeaking)
401
00:19:44,979 --> 00:19:47,440
(groans)
402
00:19:52,619 --> 00:19:55,689
(both grunting)
403
00:19:57,658 --> 00:19:59,255
(gasping)
404
00:19:59,289 --> 00:20:00,486
(groans)
405
00:20:01,791 --> 00:20:03,493
(groaning)
406
00:20:03,527 --> 00:20:04,436
(groaning)
407
00:20:04,460 --> 00:20:06,987
JOE: Hey, Peter, you're up there, now?
Who's winning?
408
00:20:07,029 --> 00:20:08,029
Aah!
409
00:20:09,029 --> 00:20:10,029
(coughs)
410
00:20:14,703 --> 00:20:18,373
(whimpering)
411
00:20:18,407 --> 00:20:19,908
(screaming)
412
00:20:21,839 --> 00:20:23,477
(yells in pain)
413
00:20:30,092 --> 00:20:34,722
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off
to get a free movie set haircut.
414
00:20:35,859 --> 00:20:37,328
Damn it!
415
00:20:37,362 --> 00:20:40,264
I was stupid to think I
could beat up Liam Neeson.
416
00:20:41,045 --> 00:20:42,827
You guys must
think I'm pathetic.
417
00:20:42,852 --> 00:20:45,512
Are you kidding?
You took on the star of Kinsey!
418
00:20:45,515 --> 00:20:49,652
Yeah, and more importantly, you followed
through on your drunken ravings.
419
00:20:49,677 --> 00:20:51,806
Wow. I guess
you're right.
420
00:20:52,203 --> 00:20:53,952
Thanks, guys.
421
00:20:53,977 --> 00:20:57,362
You know, I guess the lesson here
is, Oskar Schindler wasn't real.
422
00:20:57,387 --> 00:20:59,295
And neither was
anything in that movie.
423
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:02,267
I-I-I don't think
that's the lesson.
424
00:21:03,332 --> 00:21:09,832
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
WEB-DL sync by jasonnguyen2606