1 00:00:02,802 --> 00:00:04,861 [♪♪♪] 2 00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:23,289 You haven't looked at the new courses. I'm like a kid in a candy store. 3 00:00:23,456 --> 00:00:25,924 Candy lost its appeal now that I work at the store. 4 00:00:26,092 --> 00:00:28,424 Becoming a teacher here gave me diabetes. 5 00:00:28,595 --> 00:00:31,530 I was just saying that. Are you always thirsty, fatigued... 6 00:00:31,698 --> 00:00:34,189 ...and have blurry vision and your cuts heal slower? 7 00:00:34,367 --> 00:00:37,803 - Those are actual diabetes symptoms. - That's what the doctor said. 8 00:00:37,971 --> 00:00:39,165 So is he treating it? 9 00:00:39,339 --> 00:00:41,899 - I asked him the same thing. - What did he say? 10 00:00:42,075 --> 00:00:45,067 "Make an appointment through his office during business hours. 11 00:00:45,245 --> 00:00:48,612 This is his home. His children sleep here." You know doctors. 12 00:00:48,782 --> 00:00:50,010 Oh, my gosh, you guys. 13 00:00:50,183 --> 00:00:53,084 There's a class called Basic Grifting. 14 00:00:53,253 --> 00:00:56,154 Should we all learn how to be grifters together? 15 00:00:56,322 --> 00:00:58,620 - Wait, what do grifters do again? - I got this. 16 00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:00,555 - I'll tell you for 5 bucks. - No. 17 00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,757 - You better sign me up. - I've wanted to learn grifting... 18 00:01:03,930 --> 00:01:07,263 ...since I saw The Grifters featuring John Cusack, Anjelica Huston... 19 00:01:07,434 --> 00:01:10,130 ...and almost no grifting. - Don't take a grifting class. 20 00:01:10,303 --> 00:01:13,466 You're gonna get grifted. More so than by that oceanography class. 21 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:15,540 Only none of you will get a goldfish. 22 00:01:15,708 --> 00:01:17,608 - Then you'll come back to me. - Why you? 23 00:01:17,777 --> 00:01:22,009 Let's face it, I'm the closest thing that Greendale has to an experienced grifter. 24 00:01:22,182 --> 00:01:27,142 Oh, this is one of those things where Jeff gets jealous of something dumb. 25 00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:29,288 Jeff"s jealous of a grifter. Ha-ha-ha. 26 00:01:29,456 --> 00:01:31,447 Because he wishes he was still a grifter. 27 00:01:31,624 --> 00:01:33,319 [ALL LAUGHING] 28 00:01:33,493 --> 00:01:36,189 That's something I can mock, and I live in an RV. 29 00:01:36,362 --> 00:01:37,989 My table folds down from the wall. 30 00:01:38,164 --> 00:01:40,257 I say we take the grifting class together... 31 00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:42,731 ...have a great time and rub it in Jeff"s face. 32 00:01:42,902 --> 00:01:45,302 Who's in and can you cover me? I'll pay you back. 33 00:01:45,472 --> 00:01:47,940 - I'll get it from your parents. - I'll pay you back. 34 00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:51,737 - And I'll pay back your parents. - Which will be never. 35 00:01:51,911 --> 00:01:54,675 I'll get a high-five from your parents. 36 00:01:55,215 --> 00:01:58,309 Each student should bring a briefcase. I don't have a briefcase. 37 00:01:58,485 --> 00:02:01,886 We're gonna grift with briefcases? Basic, my ass. That's advanced. 38 00:02:02,055 --> 00:02:04,023 - I have a few extra briefcases. - Shocker. 39 00:02:04,190 --> 00:02:06,556 We each need a regulation grifting briefcase. 40 00:02:06,726 --> 00:02:09,194 - It's a grift. - What's a regulation briefcase? 41 00:02:09,362 --> 00:02:12,490 I don't know, but they're provided for only $150. 42 00:02:12,665 --> 00:02:13,927 You're being grifted. 43 00:02:14,100 --> 00:02:16,295 Shut up, Jeff. You're such a negative person. 44 00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:19,097 What do you contribute to this group besides negativity? 45 00:02:19,272 --> 00:02:20,534 [WHISPERS] Guys, watch this. 46 00:02:20,707 --> 00:02:22,368 - [IN NORMAL VOICE] Can I borrow $150? - No. 47 00:02:22,542 --> 00:02:26,376 See? Now, who's gonna come with me and show this guy what's up? 48 00:02:26,546 --> 00:02:29,014 - I'll pay you back. - I'll get it from your parents. 49 00:02:29,182 --> 00:02:31,548 Tell them I spit on their wealth, and thank you. 50 00:02:31,718 --> 00:02:33,811 [♪♪♪] 51 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:48,000 Ripped By mstoll 52 00:03:01,281 --> 00:03:03,374 [♪♪♪] 53 00:03:12,425 --> 00:03:13,915 Good morning. 54 00:03:14,093 --> 00:03:18,996 My name is Professor Roger DeSalvo, for the time being. 55 00:03:19,632 --> 00:03:21,122 For I use many a pseudonym. 56 00:03:21,301 --> 00:03:25,032 Such as Jeff Goulash, Phillip Switch or Baz Ravish. 57 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:29,301 For I am a grifter and this is Grifting 101. 58 00:03:29,776 --> 00:03:31,710 [STUDENTS CHEERING] 59 00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:34,070 [LAUGHING] 60 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:40,414 Now, which one of you thinks I did that on purpose? 61 00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:43,855 Exactly, you think you've seen me fail. 62 00:03:44,023 --> 00:03:45,991 You think you've spotted a weakness. 63 00:03:46,159 --> 00:03:48,787 Let me tell you something. With the flick of a wrist... 64 00:03:48,962 --> 00:03:52,022 ...I could show you a fool one minute... 65 00:03:53,299 --> 00:03:54,357 ...or longer. 66 00:03:54,534 --> 00:03:57,560 I see you've got your briefcases. Excellent. Hold them aloft. 67 00:03:59,939 --> 00:04:01,236 Pass them to each other. 68 00:04:04,777 --> 00:04:07,143 Now pass them back. 69 00:04:08,448 --> 00:04:09,676 Do it at speed. 70 00:04:09,849 --> 00:04:11,942 Quicker. Pass them like hell. 71 00:04:13,686 --> 00:04:15,483 Pass them like your sister's dying. 72 00:04:16,623 --> 00:04:20,252 And continue that for about 40 minutes. 73 00:04:22,328 --> 00:04:23,852 Wait. Forty minutes? 74 00:04:24,030 --> 00:04:26,123 - What's your name, my love? - Annie Edison. 75 00:04:26,299 --> 00:04:28,790 Sounds like a real name, not the name of a grifter... 76 00:04:28,968 --> 00:04:31,095 ...and therefore, not a teacher. 77 00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:33,199 - Ahem. - What? 78 00:04:33,373 --> 00:04:34,670 My name is Slick Pockets Tucker. 79 00:04:34,841 --> 00:04:37,469 - No, it's not. - Correct. What will the next lesson be? 80 00:04:37,644 --> 00:04:40,704 The next lesson will be passing two briefcases. 81 00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:43,178 You need to master the art of passing one... 82 00:04:43,349 --> 00:04:45,977 ...then you can purchase another briefcase. 83 00:04:46,152 --> 00:04:48,677 - What? - You talk too much. Keep passing. 84 00:04:51,190 --> 00:04:53,522 [LAUGHING] 85 00:04:55,094 --> 00:04:56,755 It's a very funny book. 86 00:04:56,929 --> 00:04:59,022 [♪♪♪] 87 00:05:04,003 --> 00:05:05,027 [GASPS] 88 00:05:05,204 --> 00:05:06,262 Oh, no. Grifters. 89 00:05:06,439 --> 00:05:09,203 I better watch my french fries, unless... 90 00:05:09,375 --> 00:05:12,071 Counterfeit? Where'd you learn to do that? 91 00:05:12,245 --> 00:05:14,941 - We didn't learn anything. The class is... - A rip-off? 92 00:05:15,114 --> 00:05:16,604 What's another word for that? 93 00:05:16,783 --> 00:05:20,344 - All he did was make us pass briefcases. - He kept trying to sell us stuff. 94 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:24,047 Briefcase-swapping talcum for grifter's palm. Oil for silent switcheroos. 95 00:05:24,223 --> 00:05:26,088 Something called extra believable socks. 96 00:05:26,259 --> 00:05:29,695 Those are actually half off. I kind of feel like I grifted him. 97 00:05:29,862 --> 00:05:34,231 So, in a sense, what happened is you took a class about grifting... 98 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:37,733 ...and? 99 00:05:38,371 --> 00:05:41,499 Jeff, you really need us to say it? 100 00:05:42,041 --> 00:05:43,269 - You were... - Whoa. Yeah. 101 00:05:43,443 --> 00:05:46,378 I need you to say it. Let me just get settled. 102 00:05:48,448 --> 00:05:49,540 Ah. 103 00:05:49,716 --> 00:05:51,308 Okay, go. 104 00:05:51,484 --> 00:05:53,645 - You were right. - Oh, aah. 105 00:05:54,220 --> 00:05:55,244 Oh, yeah. 106 00:05:56,255 --> 00:05:57,916 Well, you live and you learn, guys. 107 00:05:58,091 --> 00:05:59,490 Well, you live, anyway. 108 00:05:59,659 --> 00:06:02,059 - So now will you please help us? - Help you? 109 00:06:02,228 --> 00:06:04,594 ELROY: We want revenge. CHANG: We wanna grift him back. 110 00:06:04,764 --> 00:06:07,164 Grift a grifter? That's as dumb as taking his class. 111 00:06:07,333 --> 00:06:08,630 - Cut your losses. - Jeff... 112 00:06:08,801 --> 00:06:11,793 I begged you not to go down this path, and you made fun of me. 113 00:06:11,971 --> 00:06:14,633 - You pointed at my face and laughed. - We're sorry. 114 00:06:14,807 --> 00:06:16,240 My feelings are fine. 115 00:06:16,409 --> 00:06:19,435 I'm just very lazy, and you gave me an excuse to do nothing. 116 00:06:19,612 --> 00:06:23,412 - I'm not just gonna throw that away. - He's even lazier than you. 117 00:06:23,583 --> 00:06:26,074 Doesn't your species consider that a challenge? 118 00:06:26,252 --> 00:06:28,880 Shouldn't you be having some reverse pissing contest... 119 00:06:29,055 --> 00:06:30,522 ...to determine who's laziest? 120 00:06:30,690 --> 00:06:33,488 Wait, is that where you suck it back up in your? 121 00:06:33,659 --> 00:06:35,923 Sorry. I've only ever done it the other way. 122 00:06:36,095 --> 00:06:37,619 You mean peeing? 123 00:06:37,797 --> 00:06:40,288 No, I mean in the back. 124 00:06:41,968 --> 00:06:43,629 He hasn't done anything to me. 125 00:06:43,803 --> 00:06:46,897 In fact, he sounds like a pretty good guy. I bet we'd get along. 126 00:06:50,009 --> 00:06:52,500 DESALVO: Good show. Good show. 127 00:06:53,946 --> 00:06:55,208 What show? 128 00:06:55,381 --> 00:06:58,316 I haven't seen that show. All right, all the best. 129 00:06:59,719 --> 00:07:00,845 And you are? 130 00:07:01,020 --> 00:07:03,488 Well, I was the guy with a full bottle of Scotch... 131 00:07:03,656 --> 00:07:06,625 ...and a high tolerance for foreigners. - Ha-ha-ha. 132 00:07:06,793 --> 00:07:09,489 How robust. I imagine that you're Jeff Winger. 133 00:07:09,962 --> 00:07:12,692 Turns out we're going to be office buddies. 134 00:07:12,865 --> 00:07:15,356 Hello there, sir. My name is Roger DeSalvo. 135 00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:18,127 Or is it? You see, I happen to be in the... 136 00:07:18,304 --> 00:07:20,636 Grifting 101. Yes, I've heard about you. 137 00:07:20,807 --> 00:07:24,299 That would be your desk. If you need a mnemonic device... 138 00:07:24,477 --> 00:07:26,911 ...it's the one without someone's stuff all over it. 139 00:07:27,079 --> 00:07:29,775 Well played. Very well played. 140 00:07:29,949 --> 00:07:31,314 I gotta say... 141 00:07:33,252 --> 00:07:34,549 ...I admire your style. 142 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:38,281 Grifting people by selling them grifting lessons? It's genius. 143 00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,926 - But I call... - I never said my class was a grift. 144 00:07:41,093 --> 00:07:43,823 Don't worry about me. I'm one of you. Was, anyway. 145 00:07:43,996 --> 00:07:45,020 Do tell. 146 00:07:45,198 --> 00:07:48,895 Well, I worked in one of the top law firms in the city as a lawyer. 147 00:07:49,068 --> 00:07:51,593 But guess what. I'm not a lawyer. 148 00:07:51,771 --> 00:07:54,501 Heh. No, I think you're talking about lying. 149 00:07:55,174 --> 00:07:58,371 - Grifting happens to be an art form. - The art of lying. 150 00:07:58,544 --> 00:08:01,513 Let's not get high-handed. Grifting is lying. 151 00:08:01,681 --> 00:08:05,515 Okay, so like a string is a sweater. Like paint is the Sistine Chapel. 152 00:08:05,685 --> 00:08:09,883 Sure, grifting includes lying, but only a liar would call grifting lying. 153 00:08:10,056 --> 00:08:12,889 And only a delusional hobo would glorify stealing. 154 00:08:13,059 --> 00:08:14,890 Did you say something that wasn't true? 155 00:08:15,061 --> 00:08:18,758 - Maybe we should phone the museum. - I was on your side. You're an ass. 156 00:08:18,931 --> 00:08:21,058 Well, you're a craftless, artless thug. 157 00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:24,135 And I'm God's paintbrush. No, I am God. 158 00:08:24,303 --> 00:08:27,363 Which pretty much makes me better than you. 159 00:08:30,209 --> 00:08:31,506 You know what? 160 00:08:32,078 --> 00:08:34,376 Let's agree to disagree. 161 00:08:35,815 --> 00:08:36,907 It's not important. 162 00:08:37,083 --> 00:08:39,574 Oh, okay, so you can lie. Yeah? You liar. 163 00:08:39,752 --> 00:08:41,743 Yeah. 164 00:08:44,991 --> 00:08:47,050 I wanna speak to you, you son of a bitch. 165 00:08:47,226 --> 00:08:48,887 What? 166 00:08:49,395 --> 00:08:51,386 I love you. 167 00:08:51,898 --> 00:08:53,365 Oh. 168 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:55,558 I do too. 169 00:08:56,702 --> 00:08:57,726 Good. 170 00:08:58,337 --> 00:09:01,465 [GRUNTING] 171 00:09:01,641 --> 00:09:04,633 Why are you guys still doing that? 172 00:09:04,810 --> 00:09:08,473 Well, it was homework. And we're getting better, right? 173 00:09:08,648 --> 00:09:11,515 Or the friction has melted the handle to fit into our palms. 174 00:09:11,684 --> 00:09:14,312 There's nothing to get better at. The class is a grift. 175 00:09:14,487 --> 00:09:16,819 The next person that says "grift" is gonna grift. 176 00:09:16,989 --> 00:09:18,820 My God, now it's replacing other words. 177 00:09:18,991 --> 00:09:20,219 All right, I'm in. 178 00:09:21,594 --> 00:09:23,425 Let's grift the son of a bitch. 179 00:09:23,596 --> 00:09:26,190 [ALL CHEERING] 180 00:09:26,365 --> 00:09:27,423 [♪♪♪] 181 00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:30,296 Why are you cheering? He could be saying anything. 182 00:09:30,469 --> 00:09:34,030 [CHANTING] Grift, grift, grift. 183 00:09:34,206 --> 00:09:37,107 Grift, grift, grift. 184 00:09:50,623 --> 00:09:52,682 [♪♪♪] 185 00:09:56,629 --> 00:09:59,063 DESALVO: Good work. I can't remember your name. 186 00:09:59,231 --> 00:10:01,665 Likewise, no idea what your name is. Great job. 187 00:10:01,834 --> 00:10:06,464 All right. I'd say you're pretty close to swapping with briefcases... 188 00:10:06,639 --> 00:10:09,665 ...Ioaded with actual fake money, such as this. 189 00:10:09,842 --> 00:10:13,369 This isn't real money. It's just cut-up newspaper, but it weighs the same. 190 00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:14,945 Costs $5 apiece. 191 00:10:15,114 --> 00:10:16,809 You'll be using 10. 192 00:10:17,483 --> 00:10:20,509 - Telegram for Elroy Patashnik. - I'm Patashnik. 193 00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:23,417 Telegram, sir. 194 00:10:24,557 --> 00:10:29,085 Oh, my God. My Aunt Baba died on vacation while in Africa. 195 00:10:29,261 --> 00:10:30,751 She left me a million dollars. 196 00:10:30,930 --> 00:10:33,364 The African government wants to seize the funds. 197 00:10:33,532 --> 00:10:35,466 Class dismissed. 198 00:10:37,269 --> 00:10:39,203 Not you. 199 00:10:43,743 --> 00:10:44,937 Are you out of your mind? 200 00:10:45,111 --> 00:10:47,102 - What? - The African Telegram. 201 00:10:47,279 --> 00:10:48,712 The Jim Belushi of grifts. 202 00:10:48,881 --> 00:10:50,508 Are you trying to grift me? 203 00:10:50,683 --> 00:10:53,550 - I'll cut you in for 14 grand. - Get out. 204 00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:55,511 Out. 205 00:10:58,724 --> 00:10:59,748 One more thing. 206 00:11:01,394 --> 00:11:04,227 - Nice try twice. - Twice? 207 00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:05,921 The fake grift within the grift. 208 00:11:06,098 --> 00:11:08,862 The double bean, if you like. I'm gonna mention a name... 209 00:11:09,035 --> 00:11:12,198 ...and however you react, I'll know the truth. 210 00:11:13,539 --> 00:11:14,563 Jeff Winger. 211 00:11:15,541 --> 00:11:17,941 - That's the one. What...? Who? - Who? Jeff Winger? 212 00:11:18,110 --> 00:11:19,202 That's the one. 213 00:11:19,378 --> 00:11:21,744 Out you go. Say hi to him. 214 00:11:24,216 --> 00:11:27,049 By the way, Jeff Winger. 215 00:11:27,620 --> 00:11:30,282 Nice try thrice. 216 00:11:30,456 --> 00:11:32,549 [♪♪♪] 217 00:11:33,259 --> 00:11:35,420 Hey. How was grifting class? 218 00:11:35,594 --> 00:11:37,755 Did you teach advanced grifting techniques... 219 00:11:37,930 --> 00:11:40,091 ...only you could understand? The Brown Betty? 220 00:11:40,266 --> 00:11:42,427 The Texas Well Baby? The Reverse Jim Gaffigan? 221 00:11:42,601 --> 00:11:45,263 Well, I wouldn't teach the African Telegram... 222 00:11:45,438 --> 00:11:49,101 ...since I'm not a hack, and also since the Internet. 223 00:11:49,275 --> 00:11:51,641 Okay, you caught me. Game over. 224 00:11:51,811 --> 00:11:54,371 - Let's end this competition. - Cheers to that. 225 00:12:02,521 --> 00:12:05,922 Uh... Sir? You... That guy left his lottery ticket on the table. 226 00:12:06,092 --> 00:12:07,525 That was the telegram man. 227 00:12:07,693 --> 00:12:10,253 - No, it wasn't. I mean, what telegram? - Exactly. 228 00:12:10,429 --> 00:12:12,454 What telegram? Because the Internet. 229 00:12:12,631 --> 00:12:17,091 You know, that place you obviously went to, to type in the word "grifting." 230 00:12:18,104 --> 00:12:20,504 I'm gonna grift you. I'm gonna grift your ass. 231 00:12:20,673 --> 00:12:22,834 Or is that the grift? 232 00:12:23,008 --> 00:12:25,033 None of it's a grift. It's all nonsense. 233 00:12:25,211 --> 00:12:28,806 Okay, how many times have I told you people... 234 00:12:28,981 --> 00:12:31,006 ...the faculty lounge is not a bar? 235 00:12:31,183 --> 00:12:33,481 All right, pack it up, people. Come on. 236 00:12:33,652 --> 00:12:36,348 You don't have to go teach a class, but you can't stay here. 237 00:12:36,522 --> 00:12:38,956 Look. Truce. Okay? 238 00:12:39,125 --> 00:12:45,360 Promise no more grifting and promise, if this is worth a million, we'll split it. 239 00:12:45,531 --> 00:12:46,589 You're an idiot. 240 00:12:47,333 --> 00:12:49,392 - Or maybe I'm a genius. - I can answer that. 241 00:12:49,568 --> 00:12:52,401 - You're an idiot. - Can an idiot walk backwards like this... 242 00:12:52,571 --> 00:12:54,505 ...and not hit anything? - Maybe. 243 00:12:54,673 --> 00:12:56,800 Or maybe not. 244 00:12:58,944 --> 00:13:00,673 What? 245 00:13:00,846 --> 00:13:03,076 [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO] 246 00:13:08,154 --> 00:13:09,849 What are you doing here? 247 00:13:10,022 --> 00:13:11,887 This guy is a grifter. 248 00:13:12,057 --> 00:13:13,217 Professor of grifting. 249 00:13:13,392 --> 00:13:16,384 He charges $400, you get two briefcases... 250 00:13:16,562 --> 00:13:19,497 ...and your ex-boyfriend becomes an obsessive... 251 00:13:19,665 --> 00:13:23,465 I didn't know you and Winger were lovers. If he wanted my respect... 252 00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:26,833 ...he should've opened with that. - Are you trying to be disarming? 253 00:13:27,006 --> 00:13:29,497 - Are you grifting me out of my arms? - I did nothing. 254 00:13:29,675 --> 00:13:31,870 He called himself a grifter. I corrected him. 255 00:13:32,044 --> 00:13:36,413 Yeah, because the truth is so important to the both of you. 256 00:13:36,582 --> 00:13:39,608 So, what's it gonna cost to make you go away? 257 00:13:39,785 --> 00:13:41,878 [♪♪♪] 258 00:13:45,724 --> 00:13:48,318 JEFF: Ahem. - Well? 259 00:13:48,761 --> 00:13:49,819 He took the bait. 260 00:13:49,995 --> 00:13:51,019 - Yes. - Yes. 261 00:13:51,197 --> 00:13:53,529 I thought we didn't want him to take the bait. 262 00:13:53,699 --> 00:13:57,328 We're saying the same thing. He didn't take the bait we didn't want taken. 263 00:13:58,237 --> 00:14:01,570 - The African Telegram. - Yeah, which was offered as fake bait... 264 00:14:01,740 --> 00:14:03,901 ...and taken as such, i.e., not taken. 265 00:14:04,076 --> 00:14:08,069 - Because that made him feel in control. - And by avoiding all visible bait... 266 00:14:08,247 --> 00:14:11,876 ...he placed himself on the hook of assuming we're planning to grift him. 267 00:14:12,051 --> 00:14:13,609 - I like it. - Yeah. 268 00:14:13,786 --> 00:14:16,084 But we are. So he knows the truth. 269 00:14:16,255 --> 00:14:18,883 Isn't that the one thing you're not supposed to know... 270 00:14:19,058 --> 00:14:20,525 ...when you're being grifted? 271 00:14:20,893 --> 00:14:24,795 Hmm. He can know a plan all he wants. 272 00:14:24,964 --> 00:14:27,159 But the plan he knows won't be our plan. 273 00:14:27,333 --> 00:14:29,392 - Okay. - Okay. 274 00:14:29,568 --> 00:14:34,767 Because our plan is impossible to know? 275 00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:36,908 Because... 276 00:14:38,477 --> 00:14:39,967 Oh, my God. 277 00:14:40,145 --> 00:14:42,238 Jeff is making this up as we go. 278 00:14:42,414 --> 00:14:45,406 Shh! Just knock it off. What do you want from me? 279 00:14:45,584 --> 00:14:48,485 - We wanted you to help us do a grift. - I'm working on it. 280 00:14:48,654 --> 00:14:51,282 - Improvisationally? ABED: They had a plan in The Sting. 281 00:14:51,457 --> 00:14:53,982 If anyone wants to watch it, it knocks out half a day. 282 00:14:54,159 --> 00:14:56,559 Look, do you guys remember when we hugged... 283 00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:58,754 ...and jumped up and down in the cafeteria? 284 00:14:58,931 --> 00:15:00,091 Obviously. 285 00:15:00,266 --> 00:15:02,757 Having been together virtually nonstop ever since... 286 00:15:02,935 --> 00:15:05,335 ...at what point do you think I slipped off... 287 00:15:05,504 --> 00:15:09,201 ...and planned an entire grift then withheld it from you? 288 00:15:09,375 --> 00:15:13,937 At any of the several dozen points when a normal person would say: 289 00:15:14,113 --> 00:15:16,104 "By the way, I have no plan." 290 00:15:16,282 --> 00:15:18,648 In The Sting, they withhold stuff from each other. 291 00:15:18,817 --> 00:15:22,617 Or from the audience, for effect. Also, 20 percent of the movie is hand-drawn. 292 00:15:22,788 --> 00:15:25,951 - Why don't you marry The Sting? - Lf we have half-Sting children... 293 00:15:26,125 --> 00:15:29,720 ...when they ask how to grift, I'll tell them to watch their mother. Not you. 294 00:15:29,895 --> 00:15:31,260 ELROY: You are unbelievable. 295 00:15:31,430 --> 00:15:33,728 - Bad stinger. JEFF: Shut up, okay? 296 00:15:33,899 --> 00:15:37,528 You guys, you're... You're always picking on me, all right? 297 00:15:37,703 --> 00:15:39,330 [TALKING INDISTINCTLY] 298 00:15:39,505 --> 00:15:44,670 You've really been hammering me lately. All I had was the idea that... 299 00:15:46,512 --> 00:15:48,173 Look, I... I need this. 300 00:15:48,347 --> 00:15:50,508 I need to be better than this guy. 301 00:15:51,684 --> 00:15:54,050 Let me think. 302 00:15:57,389 --> 00:15:58,549 - Abed. - Yeah. 303 00:15:58,724 --> 00:16:00,624 - Did you bring your laptop? - Right here. 304 00:16:02,261 --> 00:16:04,195 What do you wanna do with it? 305 00:16:05,364 --> 00:16:06,422 Watch The Sting. 306 00:16:06,598 --> 00:16:08,691 [♪♪♪] 307 00:16:11,904 --> 00:16:13,633 It's over. 308 00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,031 What happened? 309 00:16:15,207 --> 00:16:16,401 Who got shot? Ahem. 310 00:16:16,575 --> 00:16:18,873 What's going on? Was Sting even in it? 311 00:16:19,044 --> 00:16:21,205 ELROY: That was terrible. - You slept the whole time. 312 00:16:21,380 --> 00:16:23,007 The dialogue seeped in my dreams. 313 00:16:23,182 --> 00:16:27,016 - My whole brain is long and quiet. - So how did they grift him? 314 00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:31,214 Well, they basically made a fake building and hired a thousand people... 315 00:16:31,390 --> 00:16:33,187 ...to cooperate in perfect secrecy. 316 00:16:33,359 --> 00:16:34,417 Hmm. 317 00:16:34,593 --> 00:16:37,619 - Should we just do that? - We could watch another grifter movie. 318 00:16:37,796 --> 00:16:39,957 - More activity in Matchstick Men. - Like what? 319 00:16:40,132 --> 00:16:43,568 - At one point, they build a fake hospital. - So much construction. 320 00:16:43,736 --> 00:16:45,704 Oh, God. It's so late. 321 00:16:47,506 --> 00:16:50,566 - You're gonna bail on me, aren't you? BRITTA: I think we have to, Jeff. 322 00:16:50,743 --> 00:16:52,370 We've tried everything we can. 323 00:16:52,544 --> 00:16:55,012 Maybe over the weekend, I can make a fake building. 324 00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:59,014 But all the briefcases and the swapping and The Sting? I'm not cut out for it. 325 00:16:59,184 --> 00:17:01,175 I think real grifts only happen in movies. 326 00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:05,289 - Even then, they barely make sense. - Look, I'm old. The Sting is terrible. 327 00:17:05,457 --> 00:17:08,051 Grifting is stupid. The writing's on the wall. 328 00:17:08,227 --> 00:17:10,457 - So that's it. - There's no shame in this, Jeff. 329 00:17:10,629 --> 00:17:12,688 DESALVO: Oh, I don't know about that. 330 00:17:14,099 --> 00:17:15,760 Well, this is a scene to behold. 331 00:17:15,934 --> 00:17:19,097 Huddled in the closet, watching The Sting like gypsies. 332 00:17:19,271 --> 00:17:20,363 JEFF: Roger. 333 00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:22,101 We surrender. 334 00:17:22,274 --> 00:17:23,673 You were right. 335 00:17:23,842 --> 00:17:24,900 I'm no grifter. 336 00:17:25,744 --> 00:17:27,473 No, I was wrong. 337 00:17:27,646 --> 00:17:30,080 If you remember, I called you a thug. 338 00:17:30,249 --> 00:17:32,114 Thugs fight. 339 00:17:32,284 --> 00:17:33,410 You're more... 340 00:17:33,585 --> 00:17:34,745 [CHUCKLES] 341 00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:40,153 No, I can't think of a metaphor pathetic enough to suit you, Jeff Winger. 342 00:17:40,325 --> 00:17:42,759 I'm reminded of something Oscar Wilde once said... 343 00:17:42,928 --> 00:17:44,919 ...when he compared sheep to wolves. 344 00:17:45,097 --> 00:17:46,655 Screw it. 345 00:17:47,232 --> 00:17:48,756 ANNIE: Britta. 346 00:17:50,669 --> 00:17:53,331 You hit me. With a woman's hand. 347 00:17:53,505 --> 00:17:55,336 You Midwestern floozy. 348 00:17:55,507 --> 00:17:56,667 I lived in New York. 349 00:17:56,842 --> 00:17:57,934 Aah! 350 00:17:58,110 --> 00:18:00,169 [♪♪♪] 351 00:18:07,486 --> 00:18:08,783 [SCREAMING] 352 00:18:08,954 --> 00:18:11,445 [CRASHING] 353 00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:17,255 [DESALVO SCREAMING] 354 00:18:17,996 --> 00:18:21,329 [SCREAMING] 355 00:18:22,634 --> 00:18:24,829 Yeah, right, he's grifting us. 356 00:18:27,339 --> 00:18:29,899 Ugh. Grift blood. Someone taste it. 357 00:18:30,075 --> 00:18:32,043 I'm sure it's karo syrup and food dye. 358 00:18:32,211 --> 00:18:35,044 I mean, I would, but my diabetes. 359 00:18:38,317 --> 00:18:40,410 [♪♪♪] 360 00:18:43,789 --> 00:18:47,520 - 19, 20, 21. 361 00:18:47,693 --> 00:18:52,323 Are you counting the amount of money or the number of stacks? 362 00:18:53,298 --> 00:18:55,163 Um... 363 00:18:56,568 --> 00:18:59,435 - I have to start over. - I'll do it. Move. 364 00:18:59,605 --> 00:19:04,599 But I want to go on record as being disgusted by this transaction. 365 00:19:04,776 --> 00:19:06,903 Got it. Disgusted. 366 00:19:07,079 --> 00:19:09,946 I'm sorry, love, but would you rather we took this to court? 367 00:19:10,115 --> 00:19:13,084 No, no, no. We appreciate you keeping this between us. 368 00:19:13,252 --> 00:19:14,378 I wanna remind you... 369 00:19:14,553 --> 00:19:17,420 ...we offer a lot of classes and many of them are cash-only. 370 00:19:17,589 --> 00:19:20,558 Me, take a class here? Talk about a rip-off. 371 00:19:20,726 --> 00:19:21,886 Ha-ha. Oof. 372 00:19:23,061 --> 00:19:25,222 Talk about a ribbing. Ha-ha. 373 00:19:25,397 --> 00:19:26,887 What the hell am I doing? 374 00:19:27,065 --> 00:19:31,229 You know, so far, Frankie's disgusted and that's it. 375 00:19:31,403 --> 00:19:33,428 Seems like a waste of a record. 376 00:19:33,605 --> 00:19:36,597 - I'm so sorry, guys. This is all my fault. JEFF: Don't be. 377 00:19:36,775 --> 00:19:39,005 I'm the one who got into a pissing match. 378 00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,907 - With a jerk. - You're a jerk. 379 00:19:41,079 --> 00:19:42,569 - You're a jerk. - You're a jerk. 380 00:19:42,748 --> 00:19:44,045 You're all jerks. 381 00:19:44,216 --> 00:19:46,514 And this whole school can suck a big one. 382 00:19:46,685 --> 00:19:48,880 And you can put that in your record. 383 00:19:49,054 --> 00:19:51,215 I'm sorry, guys. I'm bound by my station. 384 00:19:51,390 --> 00:19:52,914 Speaking on that topic. Britta. 385 00:19:53,091 --> 00:19:55,582 This is all your fault and you're expelled. 386 00:19:55,761 --> 00:19:57,786 - No, dean... - Let... Let me handle this. 387 00:19:57,963 --> 00:19:59,931 Pelton, you can't do that. 388 00:20:00,499 --> 00:20:03,593 Britta's the heart of this group. She started it. 389 00:20:03,769 --> 00:20:07,728 As a... As a fake biology group... 390 00:20:07,906 --> 00:20:11,273 ...so that she could have sex with Troy. 391 00:20:11,443 --> 00:20:13,172 - No, no, no. - That's exactly it. 392 00:20:13,345 --> 00:20:15,006 Okay. Don't let me handle it. 393 00:20:15,180 --> 00:20:16,772 - No. ANNIE: You can't expel Britta. 394 00:20:16,949 --> 00:20:20,476 She's been here six years. Three more and she'll have her two-year degree. 395 00:20:20,652 --> 00:20:22,415 Britta keeps me grounded in reality. 396 00:20:22,588 --> 00:20:25,421 You can't expel her with four week-isodes left in a seaso-mester. 397 00:20:25,591 --> 00:20:27,923 - It's starting. - It's okay, guys. It's okay. 398 00:20:28,427 --> 00:20:30,861 All right. Fifty thousand. 399 00:20:31,029 --> 00:20:35,261 And I'll just put this in here. Mm, mm. 400 00:20:35,601 --> 00:20:37,091 - Give it to me. PELTON: Yep. 401 00:20:38,136 --> 00:20:40,502 Don't help me anyone. Oh. 402 00:20:40,672 --> 00:20:42,435 - Turn me around. - Ugh. 403 00:20:42,608 --> 00:20:43,939 [♪♪♪] 404 00:20:46,678 --> 00:20:48,942 Come on, you guys. 405 00:20:49,114 --> 00:20:50,979 ANNIE: I'll see you later. 406 00:20:54,820 --> 00:20:56,583 Hey. 407 00:21:03,462 --> 00:21:05,089 The plan was to meet later. 408 00:21:06,365 --> 00:21:09,300 So, what's it gonna cost to make you go away? 409 00:21:09,835 --> 00:21:13,396 There's a way we could end this very quickly and make a bit of money. 410 00:21:13,572 --> 00:21:16,268 I don't like it. But keep talking. 411 00:21:16,808 --> 00:21:20,300 Yes, that was the plan. And your plan was probably to never show up. 412 00:21:20,479 --> 00:21:23,937 Clever girl. Don't trust anyone. 413 00:21:24,883 --> 00:21:27,181 [SCREAMING] 414 00:21:28,453 --> 00:21:30,080 [ALL GASP] 415 00:21:32,157 --> 00:21:34,785 [SCREAMING] 416 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:37,258 Hang on. Did you have to hit me for real? 417 00:21:37,429 --> 00:21:38,828 Have to? No. 418 00:21:38,997 --> 00:21:41,329 Mm. Now that you're expelled... 419 00:21:41,500 --> 00:21:43,832 ...you might consider a career in grifting. 420 00:21:44,002 --> 00:21:45,993 - You're quite good at it. - I don't know. 421 00:21:46,171 --> 00:21:48,139 How does one go through life like that? 422 00:21:49,508 --> 00:21:51,203 Well... 423 00:21:52,144 --> 00:21:55,602 ...follow me and I'll show you. - Oh, shut up. 424 00:21:56,515 --> 00:21:59,109 [MOANING] 425 00:21:59,551 --> 00:22:02,543 I only agreed to any of this to get you away from Greendale... 426 00:22:02,721 --> 00:22:04,188 ...and out of Jeff"s hair. 427 00:22:04,356 --> 00:22:07,621 He's an idiot, but I hate watching him spin out trying to beat you. 428 00:22:07,793 --> 00:22:10,728 - Oh, you sentimental fool. - No. 429 00:22:10,896 --> 00:22:13,865 Later. At the motel. 430 00:22:14,032 --> 00:22:15,693 The motel. Hmm. 431 00:22:17,135 --> 00:22:19,831 ♪ Some say I'm a lucky grifter ♪ 432 00:22:20,405 --> 00:22:23,568 ♪ Some say I'm the king ♪ 433 00:22:23,742 --> 00:22:27,872 ♪ They call me the lucky grifter ♪ 434 00:22:28,046 --> 00:22:31,174 ♪ They call me the king of England ♪♪ 435 00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:33,443 I am the king. 436 00:22:33,618 --> 00:22:35,711 [♪♪♪] 437 00:22:37,689 --> 00:22:39,247 No. 438 00:22:43,195 --> 00:22:44,389 What the hell? 439 00:22:44,563 --> 00:22:45,689 Oh, shut up. 440 00:22:47,566 --> 00:22:49,397 [DESALVO MOANING] 441 00:22:50,435 --> 00:22:52,733 The only reason I agreed to any of this... 442 00:22:52,904 --> 00:22:56,965 ...was to get you away from Greendale and out of Jeff"s hair. 443 00:22:59,077 --> 00:23:00,169 What the...? 444 00:23:01,179 --> 00:23:02,669 You two. Come back here. 445 00:23:02,848 --> 00:23:04,941 [♪♪♪] 446 00:23:06,084 --> 00:23:07,108 Briefcases. 447 00:23:07,719 --> 00:23:08,777 Coming right through. 448 00:23:08,954 --> 00:23:10,581 Identical briefcases. 449 00:23:10,756 --> 00:23:13,190 What? Why more briefcases? 450 00:23:15,227 --> 00:23:16,660 This is pointless. 451 00:23:16,828 --> 00:23:19,592 I already know she's got my briefcase. 452 00:23:21,700 --> 00:23:23,133 Briefcase parade. 453 00:23:23,301 --> 00:23:24,791 Who the hell are you? 454 00:23:27,839 --> 00:23:29,500 You get back here. 455 00:23:29,674 --> 00:23:31,471 You get back here with my money. 456 00:23:31,643 --> 00:23:33,634 Get back here. 457 00:23:44,356 --> 00:23:46,324 [INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE] 458 00:23:49,594 --> 00:23:52,119 - Oh, Roger. - They stole my money. 459 00:23:52,297 --> 00:23:53,730 - What? - What? 460 00:23:53,899 --> 00:23:56,891 Those briefcases contain my money. They stole $50,000 from me. 461 00:23:57,068 --> 00:23:59,229 Fifty grand, huh? 462 00:23:59,404 --> 00:24:01,872 - You know what he's talking about? - Don't think so. 463 00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:03,837 These are our briefcases. 464 00:24:04,142 --> 00:24:07,043 ABED: We're in his class. He sells these supplies, 150 bucks. 465 00:24:07,212 --> 00:24:10,045 - Really, a hun...? Okay. ABED: We are still rolling. 466 00:24:10,215 --> 00:24:13,446 We got pretty good at it too. Check it out. Ow. 467 00:24:13,618 --> 00:24:15,313 - Ow. Sorry. I got it. - Sorry. Okay. 468 00:24:17,222 --> 00:24:21,852 Roger, why were you walking around with $50,000? 469 00:24:22,027 --> 00:24:24,461 - Are you mental? - Hey. Whoa, pal. 470 00:24:24,629 --> 00:24:27,621 That usage may fly in the UK, not in the States. 471 00:24:27,799 --> 00:24:30,859 I have a mentally challenged cousin. 472 00:24:31,036 --> 00:24:32,833 - Sister. - Pics. 473 00:24:33,004 --> 00:24:34,232 - I wanna see pics. - Me too. 474 00:24:34,406 --> 00:24:39,241 You know very well that this school paid me $50,000 in cash... 475 00:24:39,411 --> 00:24:40,673 ...for these injuries. 476 00:24:40,846 --> 00:24:42,711 You seem to be in pretty good shape now. 477 00:24:42,881 --> 00:24:45,907 Oh, my God. Look at the two of you. 478 00:24:46,084 --> 00:24:48,075 Yeah, he's the reason I became a cop. 479 00:24:48,253 --> 00:24:50,278 You know, a lot of bullies out there. 480 00:24:50,822 --> 00:24:53,552 There are a million witnesses to this. 481 00:24:53,725 --> 00:24:55,317 - Hey, everyone. ANNIE: Hey, guys. 482 00:24:55,494 --> 00:24:57,052 Hanging out in the cafeteria? 483 00:24:57,229 --> 00:24:59,527 Hi, professor... Oh, what happened to your face? 484 00:24:59,698 --> 00:25:00,756 This is ridiculous. 485 00:25:00,932 --> 00:25:03,833 Oh, she's beautiful. You could be twins. 486 00:25:04,002 --> 00:25:07,267 So the statement I'm hearing here is you're a grifting professor. 487 00:25:07,439 --> 00:25:09,873 - Yeah. - Teaching these people how to grift... 488 00:25:10,041 --> 00:25:12,100 ...but you're saying they grifted you? 489 00:25:12,277 --> 00:25:14,745 No, you id... I'm not saying that. 490 00:25:14,913 --> 00:25:18,076 They didn't grift me. What they do is not grifting. 491 00:25:18,250 --> 00:25:20,275 They wouldn't even understand the word. 492 00:25:20,452 --> 00:25:24,889 JEFF: I think we need to take what Roger's saying more seriously. 493 00:25:25,891 --> 00:25:26,915 [BOTH GASP] 494 00:25:27,092 --> 00:25:32,120 Because it sounds like he was either the victim of crass, artless thuggery. 495 00:25:32,297 --> 00:25:33,628 - Correct. - In which case... 496 00:25:33,798 --> 00:25:36,995 ...there really is $50,000 floating around... 497 00:25:37,168 --> 00:25:40,467 ...that he was given for clearly fake injuries... 498 00:25:40,639 --> 00:25:43,199 ...and that he, therefore, now owes the school. 499 00:25:43,942 --> 00:25:48,902 - What? - Or Professor DeSalvo was targeted... 500 00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:51,480 ...by a group of people he vastly underestimated. 501 00:25:51,650 --> 00:25:55,450 In which case, the money was given and then taken back... 502 00:25:55,620 --> 00:25:57,815 ...and nobody owes anybody anything. 503 00:25:57,989 --> 00:26:02,688 All he would have to do is admit. 504 00:26:02,861 --> 00:26:04,692 [♪♪♪] 505 00:26:04,863 --> 00:26:06,353 [SIGHS] 506 00:26:07,599 --> 00:26:08,793 I was grifted. 507 00:26:08,967 --> 00:26:11,367 [ALL CHEERING] 508 00:26:11,536 --> 00:26:15,131 ELROY: Yeah! ALL [CHANTING]: Grift, grift, grift. 509 00:26:15,307 --> 00:26:16,569 Grift, grift, grift. 510 00:26:16,741 --> 00:26:18,834 Why are you even here? Who called you? 511 00:26:19,010 --> 00:26:21,774 Nobody. I take macramé after work. 512 00:26:21,947 --> 00:26:23,175 They know that. 513 00:26:23,348 --> 00:26:24,610 Sorry you got grifted. 514 00:26:24,783 --> 00:26:26,944 Let me know if you wanna press charges... 515 00:26:27,118 --> 00:26:29,348 ...and if you can think of what those would be. 516 00:26:29,521 --> 00:26:31,785 Professor DeSalvo, under the circumstances... 517 00:26:31,957 --> 00:26:36,155 ...I'm sure you agree it doesn't make sense for you to keep teaching here. 518 00:26:36,328 --> 00:26:39,320 Yeah, I mean, we kind of know everything there is to know. 519 00:26:39,497 --> 00:26:41,294 You should refund all of their money. 520 00:26:41,466 --> 00:26:43,559 And we should all go get some hot dogs! 521 00:26:43,735 --> 00:26:45,066 ALL: Hot dogs! 522 00:26:45,236 --> 00:26:49,502 [CHANTING] Hot dogs, hot dogs, hot dogs. 523 00:26:49,674 --> 00:26:55,203 Hot dogs, hot dogs, hot dogs. 524 00:26:55,380 --> 00:26:56,438 Hot dogs... 525 00:26:56,615 --> 00:26:58,606 Wait. We were all in on it the whole time? 526 00:26:58,783 --> 00:27:00,842 You weren't. 527 00:27:01,019 --> 00:27:04,147 - Because I can't be trusted. BOTH: Aah! 528 00:27:04,723 --> 00:27:10,628 Hot dogs, hot dogs, hot dogs. 529 00:27:13,531 --> 00:27:15,522 - Telegram for Mr. Winger. - Ridley. 530 00:27:15,700 --> 00:27:18,498 - I returned the telegram man outfit. - Thank you so much. 531 00:27:18,670 --> 00:27:22,003 I know how crazy this week's been. You really didn't have to do this. 532 00:27:22,173 --> 00:27:23,504 Are you kidding? I owe you. 533 00:27:23,675 --> 00:27:25,836 - Whatever you need, say the word. - All right. 534 00:27:26,011 --> 00:27:28,673 I could use your help moving a mattress this weekend. 535 00:27:29,748 --> 00:27:30,840 Okay, cool. 536 00:27:31,016 --> 00:27:33,712 - Is that okay? - Let me know. 537 00:27:33,885 --> 00:27:34,909 [♪♪♪] 538 00:27:35,086 --> 00:27:37,111 RYAN: My name is Ryan Ridley. 539 00:27:37,288 --> 00:27:40,780 Three years ago my life was saved by a stranger at my gym. 540 00:27:40,959 --> 00:27:43,018 I felt like I owed him my life. 541 00:27:43,194 --> 00:27:45,094 Apparently, he agreed. 542 00:27:45,597 --> 00:27:47,189 Now he has me do things. 543 00:27:47,365 --> 00:27:50,528 And I keep hoping and praying that one day I'll do enough... 544 00:27:50,702 --> 00:27:52,101 ...for him to call us even. 545 00:27:52,270 --> 00:27:55,501 Until then, I'm just a guy from his gym. 546 00:27:55,907 --> 00:27:58,000 [♪♪♪] 547 00:28:03,615 --> 00:28:05,207 [INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE] 548 00:28:07,585 --> 00:28:09,678 [♪♪♪] 549 00:28:11,500 --> 00:28:19,500 Ripped By mstoll