1
00:00:01,685 --> 00:00:04,852
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,889 --> 00:00:08,157
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,193 --> 00:00:11,728
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,763 --> 00:00:14,731
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,766 --> 00:00:18,234
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,269 --> 00:00:21,537
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,573 --> 00:00:23,106
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,141 --> 00:00:24,474
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,509 --> 00:00:27,431
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:27,456 --> 00:00:30,269
♪ Family Guy 13x18 ♪
Take My Wife
Original Air Date on May 17, 2015
11
00:00:30,294 --> 00:00:34,995
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
WEB-DL sync by jasonnguyen2606
12
00:00:35,020 --> 00:00:36,886
Okay, I call.
What do you got?
13
00:00:36,921 --> 00:00:39,809
Boom. Full house, jokers
over instruction cards.
14
00:00:39,834 --> 00:00:43,393
I do not enjoy playing with you.
Everything's so silly.
15
00:00:43,428 --> 00:00:45,428
You guys, you'll
never guess what.
16
00:00:45,463 --> 00:00:49,065
Randy Jackson was just a big sea
turtle in human clothes, we heard.
17
00:00:49,100 --> 00:00:53,770
No, we all just booked a vacation together
to a private resort in the Bahamas.
18
00:00:53,805 --> 00:00:57,185
Well, that's a lot of my money,
but I used to have sex with you,
19
00:00:57,218 --> 00:00:58,351
so that's the trade-off.
20
00:00:58,376 --> 00:01:00,666
Look, it's not as
expensive as it sounds.
21
00:01:00,691 --> 00:01:03,558
We found a great group rate
on a discount Web site.
22
00:01:03,583 --> 00:01:05,349
Wow, the Bahamas.
23
00:01:05,374 --> 00:01:08,251
I can't wait to get down there
and dip my fingers in the water.
24
00:01:08,286 --> 00:01:10,829
Yeah, it'll be awesome
to nail a hotel masseuse
25
00:01:10,854 --> 00:01:12,588
and then watch Nanny
McPhee in the room.
26
00:01:12,624 --> 00:01:13,823
So, when do we leave?
27
00:01:13,858 --> 00:01:18,105
Oh. Sorry, Glenn. The deal
was for couples only.
28
00:01:18,130 --> 00:01:19,662
I... I'm afraid
you can't come.
29
00:01:19,697 --> 00:01:22,088
All right, fine.
Since you'll all be gone,
30
00:01:22,113 --> 00:01:25,768
I'll just walk around my yard naked,
pee anywhere I want. I don't care.
31
00:01:31,576 --> 00:01:34,243
I think it's great that Peter and
Lois are getting away together.
32
00:01:34,279 --> 00:01:36,746
Yeah, I think Dad's actually
kind of excited about it.
33
00:01:36,781 --> 00:01:39,722
Yes, very. He even bought
some sort of language tapes,
34
00:01:39,747 --> 00:01:41,818
although I don't think
he's using them properly.
35
00:01:41,853 --> 00:01:43,820
MAN: I would like
to hear the specials.
36
00:01:43,855 --> 00:01:45,855
(speaks French)
37
00:01:45,890 --> 00:01:48,224
I would like to
hear the specials.
38
00:01:48,259 --> 00:01:50,159
MAN:
Where is the Eiffel Tower?
39
00:01:50,184 --> 00:01:51,494
(speaks French)
40
00:01:51,529 --> 00:01:53,396
I would rather
hear the specials.
41
00:01:53,431 --> 00:01:54,730
(doorbell rings)
42
00:01:56,234 --> 00:02:00,269
I'm sorry I'm late. I shoved an employee
at Wendy's and they called the cops.
43
00:02:00,294 --> 00:02:03,141
You got to warn somebody before
you hand him a square burger.
44
00:02:03,166 --> 00:02:05,969
Thanks again for watching the
kids while we're gone, Daddy.
45
00:02:05,994 --> 00:02:07,474
Yeah, but how come
Babs couldn't come?
46
00:02:07,499 --> 00:02:10,236
Oh, she wanted to be here, but
she got hired to be the stuffy
47
00:02:10,261 --> 00:02:13,916
old woman who slowly comes
around to it in a rap video.
48
00:02:13,952 --> 00:02:17,720
I'm so glad the times
are not changing.
49
00:02:17,755 --> 00:02:20,898
♪ You a bitch and a ho
and a ho and a bitch ♪
50
00:02:20,923 --> 00:02:24,325
My garden party has been ruined.
51
00:02:24,350 --> 00:02:29,085
But I'm beginning
to tap my foot.
52
00:02:30,568 --> 00:02:33,533
All right, I know most of you
haven't traveled with me,
53
00:02:33,558 --> 00:02:37,373
but get ready to see a lot of airport
elevators you didn't know existed.
54
00:02:37,408 --> 00:02:41,736
Hey, guys. Say, Lois, I-I know you said
this trip was couples only, but great news.
55
00:02:41,761 --> 00:02:44,614
We're now a couple.
Oh. Who's this?
56
00:02:44,649 --> 00:02:48,584
This is Kimmie. I met her in a pop-up
window on the Internet. She was in my area.
57
00:02:48,620 --> 00:02:50,463
Hi. Peter Griffin,
all but separated.
58
00:02:50,488 --> 00:02:51,420
Oh, right on.
59
00:02:51,456 --> 00:02:55,558
All right, well, I suppose I could look
into adding you two to the reservation.
60
00:02:55,593 --> 00:02:57,660
Yeah, you guys
should definitely come.
61
00:02:57,695 --> 00:02:59,172
Yeah, this
is gonna be awesome.
62
00:02:59,197 --> 00:03:01,931
Relax, Peter. Geez, I haven't
seen you this excited
63
00:03:01,966 --> 00:03:05,331
since you got that letter
sent by carrier owl.
64
00:03:05,356 --> 00:03:08,324
Oh, my God. Is this my
acceptance to Hogwarts?
65
00:03:08,349 --> 00:03:11,641
No, it's a letter asking you to
stop throwing rocks at my nest.
66
00:03:11,676 --> 00:03:14,343
You hit one of my kids,
and now he can't fly right.
67
00:03:14,379 --> 00:03:16,979
Well, fine, then I'll just
throw rocks at the hornets.
68
00:03:19,763 --> 00:03:21,496
He told me to do it.
69
00:03:26,858 --> 00:03:29,348
And thus began
the Thousand Year War
70
00:03:29,373 --> 00:03:31,260
between the avians
and the insects.
71
00:03:31,296 --> 00:03:34,096
It was a brutal war,
it was a bitter war.
72
00:03:34,132 --> 00:03:37,600
And most importantly, it was
a visually spectacular war.
73
00:03:37,635 --> 00:03:40,303
Attack!
(all shouting)
74
00:03:40,338 --> 00:03:43,005
Charge!
(all shouting)
75
00:03:44,809 --> 00:03:47,807
Sorry, I'm being told this
would be very expensive
76
00:03:47,832 --> 00:03:50,369
to animate, so instead,
here's some stock footage
77
00:03:50,394 --> 00:03:52,561
of an old plane
trying to take off.
78
00:03:55,687 --> 00:03:58,487
They didn't have enough wings.
79
00:04:05,296 --> 00:04:08,130
♪ ♪
80
00:04:15,814 --> 00:04:18,348
Oh, my God, this
place is gorgeous.
81
00:04:18,373 --> 00:04:21,535
Yeah, I can't wait to puke up
a club sandwich in the pool.
82
00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:26,515
Hello, couples. My name is Noel, and
welcome to Pleasant Surroundings.
83
00:04:29,921 --> 00:04:33,155
Something about black people
wearing all-white clothes...
84
00:04:33,191 --> 00:04:35,723
it's very peaceful.
85
00:04:35,748 --> 00:04:38,883
We have a special beach barbecue
planned for you tonight,
86
00:04:38,908 --> 00:04:41,864
but in the meantime, please
enjoy all our amenities.
87
00:04:41,899 --> 00:04:45,238
We will. Come on, girls, let's
go wear big floppy sun hats
88
00:04:45,263 --> 00:04:47,403
in the pool and then
be mad when they get wet.
89
00:04:47,438 --> 00:04:49,272
Yeah, I'm gonna hit
the pool soon, myself.
90
00:04:49,307 --> 00:04:52,308
Got to let the lifeguard know
he better keep an eye on me.
91
00:04:57,181 --> 00:04:59,715
I'm here a whole week, pal.
92
00:05:04,522 --> 00:05:07,657
Hey, Brian, check it
out... HotOrNot.com.
93
00:05:07,692 --> 00:05:09,992
BRIAN: Ten.
STEWIE: One.
94
00:05:10,028 --> 00:05:11,494
Ten.
One.
95
00:05:11,529 --> 00:05:13,029
Five.
Five.
96
00:05:13,064 --> 00:05:17,900
Hey, I just made black coffee in
an old tin pan. Who wants some?
97
00:05:17,935 --> 00:05:19,735
No one? What's wrong
with you people?
98
00:05:19,771 --> 00:05:22,626
Dick Fosbury won
an Olympics on this.
99
00:05:22,651 --> 00:05:24,050
Well, say, this is pretty neat.
100
00:05:24,075 --> 00:05:27,225
I brought you kids an old seed
packet I found in my garage.
101
00:05:27,250 --> 00:05:31,285
I know what you got your fingers crossed
for, and yes, they're persimmons.
102
00:05:32,650 --> 00:05:34,784
All right, that's it.
103
00:05:34,819 --> 00:05:39,534
Damn it, I tried two things that all
kids love: coffee and old seed packets.
104
00:05:39,559 --> 00:05:43,025
And all any of you can do is stare at
those Game Boy machines! I'm sick of it!
105
00:05:43,061 --> 00:05:46,228
In fact, for the rest
of the week, no more screens.
106
00:05:46,264 --> 00:05:48,898
I'm locking those things up.
Wait, you what?
107
00:05:48,933 --> 00:05:50,499
Oh, come on, what the hell?
Aw...
108
00:05:50,535 --> 00:05:52,368
Aw, but what...?!
That's right,
109
00:05:52,393 --> 00:05:54,847
I'm gonna show you kids how to
have fun the old-fashioned way,
110
00:05:54,872 --> 00:05:56,305
like I did when
I was a kid.
111
00:05:56,341 --> 00:05:58,382
But I can't live
without my laptop.
112
00:05:58,407 --> 00:06:01,777
How else am I supposed to get my
degree from the University of Phoenix?
113
00:06:01,813 --> 00:06:04,580
Credit card information.
And submit.
114
00:06:04,615 --> 00:06:06,949
And I'm a lawyer.
115
00:06:06,984 --> 00:06:09,719
We find the defendant
guilty of murder.
116
00:06:09,754 --> 00:06:11,587
Sorry.
117
00:06:16,761 --> 00:06:18,728
Oh, hey, you guys.
118
00:06:18,763 --> 00:06:21,531
Uh, Quagmire, I don't think you can
go to dinner in your swimsuit.
119
00:06:21,566 --> 00:06:22,965
And what the hell
happened to you?
120
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:24,900
Oh, Kimmie and I
fell asleep on the beach.
121
00:06:24,936 --> 00:06:27,069
Yeah, I think
you better change.
122
00:06:27,105 --> 00:06:29,105
Okay, we'll be down
in a minute.
123
00:06:30,775 --> 00:06:33,643
Welcome, everyone. I hope
you enjoyed your afternoon,
124
00:06:33,668 --> 00:06:35,578
but now it's time
to get to work.
125
00:06:35,613 --> 00:06:37,613
On the rippin'
and the tearin'?
126
00:06:37,648 --> 00:06:41,407
Even better. We're going
to work on your relationships.
127
00:06:41,432 --> 00:06:45,759
After all, this isn't just a vacation,
it's a couples counseling retreat.
128
00:06:45,784 --> 00:06:47,284
Oh, what the hell?!
129
00:06:47,309 --> 00:06:50,973
Sorry, Peter. We had to trick you
guys or you wouldn't have come.
130
00:06:50,998 --> 00:06:52,364
No. You can't
make me.
131
00:06:52,389 --> 00:06:54,964
I'll get hit with a coconut
so I lose my memory of this.
132
00:06:56,033 --> 00:06:58,734
Aah! I remember
everything!
133
00:06:58,770 --> 00:07:01,303
I was abused
by my dad!
134
00:07:08,110 --> 00:07:12,045
Lois, I can't believe you tricked us into
coming on a couples counseling retreat.
135
00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:13,773
I do not like
being lied to.
136
00:07:13,798 --> 00:07:18,128
Me neither. I mean, wives conspiring
against their husbands. What's next, huh?
137
00:07:18,153 --> 00:07:20,533
Freakin' Cheney
back in the White House?
138
00:07:20,558 --> 00:07:23,292
(exclaims)
Hmm, that didn't link up.
139
00:07:23,317 --> 00:07:25,117
Trust me,
you won't regret this.
140
00:07:25,142 --> 00:07:28,777
I'll see you all in the morning
for our first session.
141
00:07:28,802 --> 00:07:30,502
Sheesh, couples counseling?
142
00:07:30,527 --> 00:07:33,495
This is the worst thing
that's ever happened to anyone.
143
00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:37,255
Wives, huh?
He gets it.
144
00:07:41,797 --> 00:07:43,456
Hey there,
buckaroos!
145
00:07:43,481 --> 00:07:45,525
Who's ready for
some old-timey fun?
146
00:07:45,550 --> 00:07:48,770
I thought we could go down to the old
swimmin' hole and swim in a hole.
147
00:07:48,795 --> 00:07:50,595
Ugh.
That sounds lame.
148
00:07:50,620 --> 00:07:53,160
Who-whose hole is it?
I'm potentially in.
149
00:07:53,185 --> 00:07:55,562
Grandpa, can I just
have my video games back?
150
00:07:55,587 --> 00:07:57,220
I want to play
Call of Duty.
151
00:07:57,245 --> 00:08:00,252
Oh, I've got the original
Call of Duty right here.
152
00:08:00,277 --> 00:08:03,044
It's called jacks.
153
00:08:03,069 --> 00:08:04,536
Got one!
154
00:08:04,561 --> 00:08:06,995
Will I get two?
Come get in on this.
155
00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:09,521
Wait, this-this game
is cleaning up toys?
156
00:08:09,546 --> 00:08:11,513
Carter, read the room.
They're not into it.
157
00:08:11,538 --> 00:08:12,771
All right,
fair enough.
158
00:08:12,796 --> 00:08:15,920
I just don't want you kids sitting
around here glued to your screens.
159
00:08:15,945 --> 00:08:18,979
So let's get the blood pumping
with my Jack LaLanne record.
160
00:08:21,282 --> 00:08:22,982
(jaunty, light intro plays)
161
00:08:23,007 --> 00:08:24,440
Bend to the left.
162
00:08:24,465 --> 00:08:26,231
Bend to the right.
163
00:08:26,256 --> 00:08:27,823
Get the big spring.
164
00:08:27,848 --> 00:08:29,901
Stretch the
big spring.
165
00:08:29,926 --> 00:08:31,726
Stop to smoke.
166
00:08:31,751 --> 00:08:33,384
Get a big towel.
167
00:08:33,409 --> 00:08:35,042
Put it behind
your neck.
168
00:08:35,067 --> 00:08:36,833
Tuck it in
your shirt.
169
00:08:36,858 --> 00:08:38,624
Looks like boobs.
170
00:08:38,649 --> 00:08:40,348
Put on a wig.
171
00:08:40,373 --> 00:08:42,239
Dance with a man.
172
00:08:42,264 --> 00:08:43,830
Don't tell your wife.
173
00:08:43,855 --> 00:08:46,022
Take it to your grave.
174
00:08:46,047 --> 00:08:47,280
(music stops)
175
00:08:47,305 --> 00:08:50,930
Okay, good workout. I got to
go call somebody and hang up.
176
00:08:55,524 --> 00:08:58,188
All right, our first
counseling exercise will be
177
00:08:58,213 --> 00:09:00,983
speaking to each other
with "I feel" statements.
178
00:09:01,008 --> 00:09:03,592
Lois, please begin.
179
00:09:03,617 --> 00:09:05,896
(sighs) I feel unappreciated,
180
00:09:05,924 --> 00:09:08,438
like you don't want to
spend time with me.
181
00:09:08,463 --> 00:09:11,926
Okay. I feel a numbness
radiating down my left arm.
182
00:09:11,951 --> 00:09:15,252
I feel like you should help
out more around the house.
183
00:09:15,277 --> 00:09:17,611
I feel like salty and sweet.
184
00:09:17,636 --> 00:09:19,870
You got white chocolate
French fries?
185
00:09:19,895 --> 00:09:21,862
I feel like my cervix hurts.
186
00:09:21,887 --> 00:09:24,054
I feel pride.
187
00:09:26,215 --> 00:09:30,227
Okay, for our next exercise,
let's play The Oldlywed Game.
188
00:09:30,252 --> 00:09:32,974
(chuckles) Relax,
it's just a questionnaire.
189
00:09:32,999 --> 00:09:34,698
(laughs)
190
00:09:34,723 --> 00:09:38,041
Really?
Whatever, I like likin' things.
191
00:09:38,066 --> 00:09:40,166
Peter, when
is Lois's birthday?
192
00:09:40,191 --> 00:09:42,465
Uh, let's see, when
is Hitler's birthday?
193
00:09:42,490 --> 00:09:43,616
April 20.
194
00:09:43,641 --> 00:09:46,308
Wow. Okay, Noel.
Yikes.
195
00:09:46,333 --> 00:09:48,400
Joe, what is Bonnie's
favorite food?
196
00:09:48,425 --> 00:09:51,984
Well, she must like ground glass,
because I keep finding it in my food.
197
00:09:52,009 --> 00:09:53,642
Cleveland...
Pass.
198
00:09:53,667 --> 00:09:56,101
Quagmire, what color
are Kimmie's eyes?
199
00:09:56,126 --> 00:09:59,551
Shaved. Sor-sorry, what-what is it?
What's the question?
200
00:10:04,546 --> 00:10:09,149
Okay, last night I did some personality
assessments based on yesterday's session,
201
00:10:09,174 --> 00:10:13,626
and what I found was none of you couples
are compatible with each other at all.
202
00:10:16,711 --> 00:10:18,545
No, no, no, that's
not a good thing.
203
00:10:18,967 --> 00:10:21,069
But, interestingly, you
have high compatibility
204
00:10:21,096 --> 00:10:22,702
with other people in this group.
205
00:10:22,727 --> 00:10:24,627
Oh, my God.
That is crazy.
206
00:10:24,652 --> 00:10:26,518
More mac and cheese.
Here, just keep it going.
207
00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:28,251
Keep it going... don't be
afraid of the burned edges.
208
00:10:28,276 --> 00:10:30,567
Just give me the tray.
Wait, so what happened?
209
00:10:30,579 --> 00:10:32,579
Anyway, I'd like
to do an exercise.
210
00:10:32,614 --> 00:10:36,082
Just for the morning, you'll all be
paired with your more compatible match.
211
00:10:36,117 --> 00:10:37,897
And hopefully, you'll
bring some lessons back
212
00:10:37,922 --> 00:10:40,206
from that experience
into your marriages.
213
00:10:40,231 --> 00:10:44,311
Okay, so the new couple pairings are
as follows: Cleveland and Lois...
214
00:10:44,336 --> 00:10:48,171
Oh, cool! My FICO score
just went up a hundred points.
215
00:10:48,196 --> 00:10:49,895
...Quagmire
and Bonnie,
216
00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:51,553
Joe and Donna,
217
00:10:51,578 --> 00:10:52,844
and Peter
and Kimmie.
218
00:10:52,869 --> 00:10:55,402
Yay! I win
couples counseling!
219
00:10:55,427 --> 00:10:57,961
(groans)
220
00:11:01,376 --> 00:11:05,029
Look at those hairless shins.
They're magnificent.
221
00:11:05,054 --> 00:11:08,914
Decades of black dress socks have
rendered them smooth and mirror-like.
222
00:11:08,939 --> 00:11:11,208
Grandpa, what are we
even doing out here?
223
00:11:11,233 --> 00:11:13,167
Looking for shapes
in the clouds.
224
00:11:13,192 --> 00:11:15,626
That one looks like the Thompson
Throat Lozenge girl!
225
00:11:15,651 --> 00:11:17,851
See? She's got the boater on
and everything!
226
00:11:17,876 --> 00:11:20,377
I'm bored. Can't we
do something else?
227
00:11:20,402 --> 00:11:21,995
Well, back when
I was your age,
228
00:11:22,030 --> 00:11:24,197
there was nothing better
than knocking on doors
229
00:11:24,232 --> 00:11:26,633
and throwing paper bags
full of flour at people.
230
00:11:26,668 --> 00:11:28,902
That's a thing?
What, flour facin'?
231
00:11:28,937 --> 00:11:34,207
It's the best thing! We used it to
keep Italians from going to the polls.
232
00:11:36,978 --> 00:11:38,678
Stay home today, Guido!
233
00:11:38,703 --> 00:11:40,403
(laughter)
234
00:11:40,428 --> 00:11:43,662
Yay! Old-fashioned things
are the best!
235
00:11:44,185 --> 00:11:47,186
(intro to "The Tide Is High"
playing)
236
00:11:48,857 --> 00:11:51,026
♪ Every girl wants you ♪
237
00:11:51,051 --> 00:11:53,803
♪ To be her man ♪
238
00:11:53,828 --> 00:11:55,895
♪ But I'll wait, my dear ♪
239
00:11:55,931 --> 00:11:58,765
♪ Till it's my turn ♪
240
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,203
♪ I'm not the kind of girl ♪
241
00:12:01,228 --> 00:12:05,836
♪ Who gives up just like that ♪
242
00:12:05,861 --> 00:12:08,985
♪ Oh, no.. . ♪
243
00:12:09,010 --> 00:12:10,777
♪ The tide is high ♪
244
00:12:10,812 --> 00:12:13,645
♪ But I'm holding on ♪
245
00:12:13,670 --> 00:12:16,204
♪ I'm gonna be your ♪
246
00:12:16,229 --> 00:12:18,729
♪ Number one ♪
247
00:12:18,754 --> 00:12:20,941
♪ Number ♪
248
00:12:20,966 --> 00:12:23,511
♪ One ♪
249
00:12:23,536 --> 00:12:26,202
♪ Number ♪
250
00:12:26,227 --> 00:12:28,261
♪ One ♪
251
00:12:28,296 --> 00:12:30,563
(fading):
♪ Num... ♪
252
00:12:30,598 --> 00:12:34,358
So, this is the second vacation that
I've watched every Jurassic Park.
253
00:12:34,383 --> 00:12:36,846
Peter, you're awesome.
You're so funny.
254
00:12:36,871 --> 00:12:39,014
Hey, Kimmie, I'll pay
you a thousand dollars
255
00:12:39,039 --> 00:12:40,974
for one whole handful
of your butt.
256
00:12:41,009 --> 00:12:42,787
For two handfuls,
I'll give you my car.
257
00:12:42,812 --> 00:12:45,602
All right, that's enough!
I have had it, Peter!
258
00:12:45,627 --> 00:12:47,760
So, how are the new
pairings working out?
259
00:12:47,785 --> 00:12:49,751
Are you all gaining
lots of insights?
260
00:12:49,776 --> 00:12:53,452
No! I can see now that coming
here was a huge mistake!
261
00:12:53,477 --> 00:12:55,110
You're hopeless, Peter!
262
00:12:55,135 --> 00:12:56,801
Your feet look old.
263
00:12:56,826 --> 00:12:58,759
This retreat is over!
264
00:12:58,784 --> 00:13:01,452
Fire up the boat...
we're going home!
265
00:13:04,165 --> 00:13:07,189
Mrs. Griffin, please, I urge
you to finish the program.
266
00:13:07,214 --> 00:13:09,985
No, thank you. I never
should've come here.
267
00:13:10,010 --> 00:13:11,643
Or at least
not with him.
268
00:13:11,668 --> 00:13:13,383
Is there anything
I can do to change...
269
00:13:13,408 --> 00:13:15,160
(gunfire)
270
00:13:15,185 --> 00:13:16,585
(screaming)
271
00:13:19,741 --> 00:13:21,140
Oh, my God!
272
00:13:21,165 --> 00:13:22,999
We're taking this
island back.
273
00:13:23,024 --> 00:13:26,190
Yeah! Kill the whites!
Race war!
274
00:13:26,215 --> 00:13:27,618
(grunts)
275
00:13:27,643 --> 00:13:30,010
Run! Everybody run!
276
00:13:40,501 --> 00:13:42,374
(gasps)
What the hell is happening?!
277
00:13:42,399 --> 00:13:44,099
Somebody do something!
278
00:13:46,381 --> 00:13:49,950
Look! We got to get
the attention of that plane!
279
00:13:59,754 --> 00:14:01,754
You got to help us!
280
00:14:07,459 --> 00:14:09,425
Man, those natives
are pissed!
281
00:14:09,461 --> 00:14:11,427
This is like
a full-blown revolution!
282
00:14:11,463 --> 00:14:14,877
Do you think me throwing full sodas into
the garbage had anything to do with this?
283
00:14:14,918 --> 00:14:16,445
(gunfires)
284
00:14:18,069 --> 00:14:20,069
Quick!
Into the jungle!
285
00:14:25,203 --> 00:14:27,069
What are we gonna do?
286
00:14:27,094 --> 00:14:29,187
Wait a minute... yesterday,
near the north beach,
287
00:14:29,212 --> 00:14:31,157
I saw a small
landing strip, giggity.
288
00:14:31,182 --> 00:14:34,083
It might be our best chance
to get off, giggity, the island.
289
00:14:34,119 --> 00:14:37,800
Did you really see that, or was it
just an excuse to say "giggity"?
290
00:14:37,824 --> 00:14:40,816
I don't know, baby... I'm crazy
with the heat. Take your pants off.
291
00:14:40,841 --> 00:14:44,371
Oh, my God, this is legit ridic.
I got to post this.
292
00:14:44,396 --> 00:14:48,097
(laughs) Josh Radnor's
twitter feed is so funny!
293
00:14:48,133 --> 00:14:49,766
That's impossible.
294
00:14:49,801 --> 00:14:51,768
Geez, coming here
was a bad idea.
295
00:14:51,803 --> 00:14:54,604
Like when I brought
museum behavior into my home.
296
00:14:54,639 --> 00:14:57,140
(footsteps echoing)
297
00:14:58,143 --> 00:15:00,209
(echoing footsteps approaching)
298
00:15:01,312 --> 00:15:04,480
Excuse me, we do ask that
you don't touch anything.
299
00:15:08,186 --> 00:15:11,421
(imitating airplane engine)
300
00:15:11,456 --> 00:15:13,676
I got to say, Carter,
you've done a good job.
301
00:15:13,701 --> 00:15:15,824
We'd become slaves
to our electronics.
302
00:15:15,849 --> 00:15:19,128
But you know what we're doing here?
We're reclaiming our lives.
303
00:15:19,164 --> 00:15:21,331
You're kind of an egghead,
aren't you, Brian?
304
00:15:21,366 --> 00:15:24,567
Vroom! Everyone on this plane
is wearing a suit.
305
00:15:24,602 --> 00:15:25,870
Say, that reminds me.
306
00:15:25,895 --> 00:15:27,995
Everyone,
time to dress for dinner.
307
00:15:28,020 --> 00:15:30,183
Ooh! I want to light
the candles, Pop-Pop!
308
00:15:30,208 --> 00:15:34,410
Oh, boy, I haven't had this much fun
since I played with that Bublé wrap.
309
00:15:34,446 --> 00:15:36,512
MICHAEL BUBLE-STYLE SINGER (with
each pop): ♪ I... just... ♪
310
00:15:36,548 --> 00:15:38,557
♪ Haven't met you yet ♪
311
00:15:38,582 --> 00:15:40,138
Oh, cool!
312
00:15:40,163 --> 00:15:41,751
♪ Your mom thinks of me ♪
313
00:15:41,786 --> 00:15:43,653
♪ When she's doing your dad ♪
314
00:15:43,688 --> 00:15:44,608
What?
315
00:15:44,633 --> 00:15:47,233
♪ Seriously,
I drive older woman nuts ♪
316
00:15:47,258 --> 00:15:49,135
♪ I can make your ♪
317
00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:51,160
♪ Mom and aunt kiss... ♪
318
00:15:51,185 --> 00:15:54,153
This is a very skeevy
packing product.
319
00:15:57,549 --> 00:15:59,516
Oh, my God, this is bad.
320
00:15:59,541 --> 00:16:01,808
I know. If we die,
what's gonna happen
321
00:16:01,833 --> 00:16:03,533
to my mail?
What?
322
00:16:03,558 --> 00:16:06,359
I'm just sayin', how's the post office
supposed to know?
323
00:16:06,384 --> 00:16:08,988
And my DVR!
It'll be full in a week!
324
00:16:09,013 --> 00:16:10,813
I record Ellen every day!
325
00:16:10,849 --> 00:16:13,015
I know I shouldn't,
but whenever she dances,
326
00:16:13,051 --> 00:16:16,419
I'm like, "Go ahead, girl,
it's your world!"
327
00:16:16,454 --> 00:16:18,588
I heard she gay.
328
00:16:18,623 --> 00:16:21,691
Well, it seems like
we're pretty talked out.
329
00:16:23,328 --> 00:16:27,263
Thanks for changing your mind
about drowning me in that river.
330
00:16:29,968 --> 00:16:31,167
(phone rings)
331
00:16:31,202 --> 00:16:35,338
Hey. Did you see those pictures
of me doing ducklips by a pool?
332
00:16:35,373 --> 00:16:37,373
I don't know,
some island.
333
00:16:37,409 --> 00:16:38,409
Shh!
334
00:16:38,443 --> 00:16:40,443
(rifles cocking)
335
00:16:40,478 --> 00:16:42,645
You rebel scum!
336
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:44,147
(chuckles)
337
00:16:44,182 --> 00:16:46,649
Ah, you're too young.
You don't know.
338
00:16:52,457 --> 00:16:54,424
So, how did you guys
get captured?
339
00:16:54,459 --> 00:16:57,503
Quagmire screams when he urinates.
How about you?
340
00:16:57,528 --> 00:17:00,262
Cleveland kept stopping
to scratch his back on trees.
341
00:17:00,318 --> 00:17:02,051
Lois don't
do it right.
342
00:17:02,076 --> 00:17:05,483
Come here, baby.
You need them Lee Press-Ons.
343
00:17:05,508 --> 00:17:07,547
Mmm. There it is.
344
00:17:07,572 --> 00:17:09,071
Mmm.
345
00:17:09,503 --> 00:17:11,423
(grunts)
346
00:17:11,448 --> 00:17:14,339
Ah, Peter! I was so
worried about you.
347
00:17:14,364 --> 00:17:17,399
Lois, when we got captured,
I said, "You rebel scum,"
348
00:17:17,424 --> 00:17:19,559
and Kimmie didn't get it.
(laughs)
349
00:17:19,584 --> 00:17:22,004
That's funny!
From The Star Wars!
350
00:17:22,029 --> 00:17:25,438
Well, just Star Wars.
But I missed you, sweetheart!
351
00:17:25,463 --> 00:17:27,655
Why are you doing this?
Let us go!
352
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:30,648
Every year we have to deal
with you American tourists!
353
00:17:30,673 --> 00:17:34,073
Stuffing your slob faces,
taking video you'll never watch,
354
00:17:34,098 --> 00:17:36,937
and asking if I'm the
Captain Phillips guy.
355
00:17:36,962 --> 00:17:38,801
I'm not!
356
00:17:38,826 --> 00:17:42,271
Take the couples out, two
by two, and execute them.
357
00:17:45,770 --> 00:17:47,320
Oh, my God!
358
00:17:47,345 --> 00:17:50,746
Well, at least I ain't going out
with a itchy back.
359
00:17:52,817 --> 00:17:55,166
(two gunshots)
360
00:17:55,191 --> 00:17:56,996
Oh, no!
This is terrible!
361
00:17:57,021 --> 00:18:00,189
Now, now, maybe
they just shot Donna twice.
362
00:18:00,792 --> 00:18:02,391
Bonnie, quick,
lock my wheels!
363
00:18:02,416 --> 00:18:04,749
We don't have
to make it easy for them!
364
00:18:09,406 --> 00:18:12,802
JOE: Scuffin' up those floors
pretty good!
365
00:18:12,837 --> 00:18:15,137
(two gunshots)
366
00:18:15,173 --> 00:18:17,340
Boy, they're really
going at Donna.
367
00:18:19,210 --> 00:18:21,544
Any last words?
368
00:18:21,579 --> 00:18:23,079
Moist.
369
00:18:24,883 --> 00:18:26,816
(two gunshots)
370
00:18:26,851 --> 00:18:31,053
Oh, Peter, I'm so sorry
I lied to get you to come here.
371
00:18:31,089 --> 00:18:33,189
I should've been
honest with you.
372
00:18:33,224 --> 00:18:35,625
Please forgive me?
I do, Lois.
373
00:18:35,660 --> 00:18:38,761
I know you were just trying
to do something good for our marriage.
374
00:18:38,796 --> 00:18:42,131
And I'm sorry I've been
such a jerk about it.
375
00:18:42,166 --> 00:18:44,634
I need you, Lois.
I always will.
376
00:18:44,669 --> 00:18:47,165
And if I got to get shot
by ooga-booga people,
377
00:18:47,190 --> 00:18:49,057
I want it to happen
with you.
378
00:18:49,082 --> 00:18:50,582
Oh, Peter.
379
00:18:56,681 --> 00:18:59,048
I love you so much, Lois.
380
00:18:59,083 --> 00:19:00,716
I love you,
too, Peter.
381
00:19:00,752 --> 00:19:02,718
Lois, I think
you should know,
382
00:19:02,754 --> 00:19:05,454
I never cared for your
most recent haircut.
383
00:19:05,490 --> 00:19:08,190
Peter, I've had the same
haircut for 20 years.
384
00:19:08,226 --> 00:19:09,341
We're ready now.
385
00:19:09,366 --> 00:19:10,965
(two gunshots)
386
00:19:17,018 --> 00:19:19,219
Congratulations,
Griffins... you did it!
387
00:19:19,244 --> 00:19:21,270
You've successfully
completed the program.
388
00:19:21,306 --> 00:19:22,505
What?!
What?!
389
00:19:22,540 --> 00:19:24,717
(whooping, cheering)
390
00:19:24,742 --> 00:19:27,576
We just found out, too!
The whole thing was staged.
391
00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:29,901
Noel dying,
the uprising, all of it.
392
00:19:29,926 --> 00:19:32,825
Oh-ho, that's what they
meant on their Web site:
393
00:19:32,850 --> 00:19:35,651
"Staged Revolution
Marital Counseling."
394
00:19:35,687 --> 00:19:37,653
It all makes sense.
395
00:19:37,689 --> 00:19:40,056
(happy shouts)
396
00:19:40,091 --> 00:19:41,891
Yes, sorry to deceive you all,
397
00:19:41,926 --> 00:19:44,021
but we find that when couples
don't respond
398
00:19:44,046 --> 00:19:46,796
to traditional counseling,
the stress of extreme danger
399
00:19:46,831 --> 00:19:49,471
reminds them of what
matters most in their lives...
400
00:19:49,496 --> 00:19:51,578
their love for each other.
401
00:19:51,603 --> 00:19:53,603
I feel like I
should be mad, but...
402
00:19:53,638 --> 00:19:56,939
I guess you're right. Lois and
I have never felt closer.
403
00:19:56,975 --> 00:19:58,937
And I did get to kill a guy.
What?!
404
00:19:58,962 --> 00:20:00,897
Thanks for
everything, Noel.
405
00:20:00,979 --> 00:20:02,211
(slurps)
406
00:20:05,824 --> 00:20:07,978
Well, kids,
it's Dyngus Day.
407
00:20:08,003 --> 00:20:09,552
Here are your
pussy willow branches.
408
00:20:09,587 --> 00:20:11,754
Find your sweetie
and give her a tap.
409
00:20:11,789 --> 00:20:14,636
Looks like I found
my sweetie.
410
00:20:14,661 --> 00:20:18,071
Oh, sarsaparilla!
I was going to take sister!
411
00:20:18,096 --> 00:20:19,922
Hey, you little rats.
412
00:20:19,947 --> 00:20:21,702
All right, Lois, let's
just leave our bags here
413
00:20:21,727 --> 00:20:24,060
and wonder where our clothes
are for the next two days.
414
00:20:24,262 --> 00:20:25,661
How was your trip, Father?
415
00:20:25,686 --> 00:20:27,536
We've prepared
a song for you.
416
00:20:27,561 --> 00:20:28,793
Nope.
417
00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:30,973
Ah, boy, it's nice
to be home.
418
00:20:31,009 --> 00:20:33,876
Sure is, Lois.
Now, shush. TV.
419
00:20:33,911 --> 00:20:35,711
Television?
How pathetic.
420
00:20:35,747 --> 00:20:36,642
(chuckles):
Yeah.
421
00:20:36,667 --> 00:20:39,682
You know where the
most interesting stuff is, Dad?
422
00:20:39,707 --> 00:20:41,384
The human hat.
423
00:20:41,409 --> 00:20:43,696
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return
to Police Chases...
424
00:20:43,721 --> 00:20:46,789
No, thank you... we are
a screen-free family.
425
00:20:46,824 --> 00:20:48,466
...That End in Fire.
426
00:20:48,491 --> 00:20:50,386
(bleep)
That's awesome!
427
00:20:50,413 --> 00:20:52,939
(sirens on TV)
428
00:20:52,964 --> 00:20:54,730
(groans)
429
00:20:54,766 --> 00:20:57,199
Nobody look at him,
and maybe he'll just leave.
430
00:21:00,672 --> 00:21:03,746
Good job, people.
431
00:21:03,771 --> 00:21:10,271
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
WEB-DL sync by jasonnguyen2606