1
00:00:06,306 --> 00:00:07,773
Abed.
2
00:00:07,974 --> 00:00:10,135
- What are you doing?
- Freelancing.
3
00:00:11,177 --> 00:00:13,042
You're not a spy for the city are you?
4
00:00:13,213 --> 00:00:15,807
They have footage of
my classroom and pronounced me...
5
00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:18,041
...no worse than the
teachers that work hard.
6
00:00:18,284 --> 00:00:20,411
Can't say who I'm working for.
It's a surprise.
7
00:00:20,653 --> 00:00:22,883
Well, don't get in the way.
8
00:00:23,089 --> 00:00:26,388
You know the rules. Sooner you ignore
me, sooner I stop being a factor.
9
00:00:26,593 --> 00:00:29,187
All right, people. Yesterday...
10
00:00:29,396 --> 00:00:34,163
...I wrote the word "law" on the board.
11
00:00:34,367 --> 00:00:38,064
This time, don't erase it. And maybe
tomorrow we'll get even further.
12
00:00:38,304 --> 00:00:41,603
Now I'm told Garrett has prepared
a presentation for extra credit?
13
00:00:41,841 --> 00:00:43,672
By the way, everyone gets the credit...
14
00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:46,710
...because I'm not sure how much
to encourage this. Go ahead.
15
00:00:46,913 --> 00:00:48,346
Thank you.
16
00:00:51,584 --> 00:00:53,882
My presentation is
about marriage law.
17
00:00:55,555 --> 00:00:57,614
This is me, Garrett.
18
00:00:57,857 --> 00:00:59,620
I'm in your class.
19
00:01:00,593 --> 00:01:02,060
This is Stacy.
20
00:01:02,262 --> 00:01:04,230
She is in our class as well.
21
00:01:06,366 --> 00:01:08,129
This is what I want.
22
00:01:09,102 --> 00:01:10,569
Oh, Garrett.
23
00:01:11,271 --> 00:01:12,602
Stacy...
24
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:14,540
...will you marry me?
25
00:01:20,380 --> 00:01:22,905
Yes. Yes, Garrett. Yes, I will.
26
00:01:23,116 --> 00:01:24,879
Oh, Garrett.
27
00:01:27,887 --> 00:01:29,878
Garrett and I have been
seeing each other...
28
00:01:30,056 --> 00:01:32,047
...for 16 months, two weeks
and four days.
29
00:01:32,258 --> 00:01:34,249
We met at the school store,
Pencils N' Such.
30
00:01:34,594 --> 00:01:36,152
He said he was there for the such.
31
00:01:36,396 --> 00:01:38,762
I remember I was sweating a lot
and breathing heavy.
32
00:01:38,965 --> 00:01:41,399
My heart felt like it was
going to burst in my chest.
33
00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:44,297
The day I met Stacy,
those symptoms actually declined.
34
00:01:46,439 --> 00:01:47,736
Are you quite done?
35
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:49,909
Yeah.
Garrett wanted the proposal recorded.
36
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:52,670
- Thought his family might want proof.
- Now what are you shooting?
37
00:01:52,912 --> 00:01:54,641
You had a strange look on your face.
38
00:01:54,814 --> 00:01:56,577
- You're noticing faces now?
- Mm-hm.
39
00:01:56,749 --> 00:01:59,013
Aren't you still smelling hair
to tell Frankie from Annie?
40
00:01:59,185 --> 00:02:01,380
- Yeah.
- Well, it's official.
41
00:02:01,588 --> 00:02:02,680
I'm getting laid.
42
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:33,000
Ripped By mstoll
43
00:02:34,053 --> 00:02:36,351
What are you doing?
44
00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:39,455
Stop.
45
00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:41,524
Hey, stop.
46
00:02:41,728 --> 00:02:43,662
If you don't put that silly thing away...
47
00:02:43,863 --> 00:02:46,423
...I swear, I'm gonna stop loving you.
48
00:02:46,633 --> 00:02:48,567
Oh, that's it.
49
00:02:52,972 --> 00:02:54,803
Happy birthday.
50
00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:56,498
What are you two doing?
51
00:02:56,709 --> 00:02:58,677
We're doing Annie's
missing lover footage.
52
00:02:58,878 --> 00:03:02,314
You know in movies where the hero's
wife or girlfriend is dead or missing.
53
00:03:02,515 --> 00:03:05,541
So he sits in the dark and
he watches her in a home movie...
54
00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:07,447
- Or a hologram.
- Or hologram.
55
00:03:07,654 --> 00:03:11,647
- Over and over, she's always beautiful,
full of love to the point of being stupid?
56
00:03:11,858 --> 00:03:14,156
We're making that for me in case
I get kidnapped or murdered.
57
00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:15,486
Super healthy, guys.
58
00:03:15,695 --> 00:03:19,028
The health department called,
they don't want anything back.
59
00:03:19,832 --> 00:03:21,663
- Britta don't look at the camera.
- Heh, heh, heh.
60
00:03:21,834 --> 00:03:23,096
Okay, look at the camera.
61
00:03:23,336 --> 00:03:24,564
Today's Garrett's wedding.
62
00:03:24,771 --> 00:03:27,604
For those who don't know Garrett,
he's a guy we don't know...
63
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:31,037
...that we've known for six years
at school. The funny-looking guy.
64
00:03:31,244 --> 00:03:32,768
Britta, mean.
65
00:03:33,012 --> 00:03:34,206
Sorry.
66
00:03:34,414 --> 00:03:36,780
The eccentric-looking guy?
67
00:03:37,016 --> 00:03:40,782
"What's happening?
Everything's going wrong?" That guy.
68
00:03:41,020 --> 00:03:43,045
Remember we said we were cleaning?
69
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:45,589
Remember about Abed's documentary?
70
00:03:45,792 --> 00:03:48,886
His documentary is about
what we're doing. And we're cleaning.
71
00:03:49,095 --> 00:03:53,293
Yeah, but if we're both cleaning,
then there's nobody to explain why.
72
00:03:53,533 --> 00:03:56,093
She doesn't understand filmmaking.
I lived in New York.
73
00:03:56,302 --> 00:03:58,202
What else should I talk about?
74
00:04:01,774 --> 00:04:04,743
We've volunteered our
apartment as a staging area...
75
00:04:04,944 --> 00:04:08,573
...where our friends can get ready.
And keep each other on time.
76
00:04:08,781 --> 00:04:11,272
The thing to understand
about our friends...
77
00:04:11,517 --> 00:04:15,453
...is that "friends" isn't
an adequate label.
78
00:04:15,655 --> 00:04:20,388
We're an intensely,
intimately-bonded crew.
79
00:04:20,593 --> 00:04:22,823
Oh, I can't. No, no.
80
00:04:23,062 --> 00:04:25,462
Do you want flashy and forward...
81
00:04:25,665 --> 00:04:28,725
...or cherry and classic?
- Do you have black?
82
00:04:30,136 --> 00:04:33,435
That's a no. That beleaguered sigh
means, "No, I can't have black nails."
83
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:35,801
- Don't look at the camera.
- You absolutely can.
84
00:04:36,042 --> 00:04:38,476
And we all will when
our bodies decompose.
85
00:04:38,678 --> 00:04:41,442
- Don't "Jim" the camera like that.
- "Jim the camera"?
86
00:04:41,648 --> 00:04:46,085
The color black hasn't had anything to
do with death or edginess since '89.
87
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:49,312
- My accountant has black nails.
- Your what?
88
00:04:49,555 --> 00:04:51,921
Don't jump on that.
My accountant. Figure of speech.
89
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,457
It's a form of speech
called making things up.
90
00:04:55,862 --> 00:04:58,660
- Abed, can you get that?
- I can film you getting it.
91
00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:00,592
- It's open.
- Is it?
92
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,324
I don't know, let's see.
93
00:05:04,370 --> 00:05:05,462
- Frankie!
- Oh!
94
00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:08,505
So I didn't put on
my wedding clothes, like you said.
95
00:05:08,708 --> 00:05:11,336
So we can get dressed together
and be girls together.
96
00:05:11,944 --> 00:05:13,377
This is gonna be fun.
97
00:05:15,481 --> 00:05:17,472
Annie and Britta
told me to come over...
98
00:05:17,650 --> 00:05:20,813
...and get ready with them for Garrett's
wedding. I didn't say no.
99
00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:23,182
Who says no to something like that?
100
00:05:23,389 --> 00:05:27,291
A cold, off-putting,
incompatible person.
101
00:05:27,493 --> 00:05:31,725
The kind of person that turns
a sleepover into a stoning.
102
00:05:31,964 --> 00:05:34,990
I had, um, rocks thrown at me.
103
00:05:35,201 --> 00:05:38,602
Biblical, igneous, jagged, hateful...
104
00:05:38,805 --> 00:05:41,638
...pointy, ninja rocks,
and that's not gonna happen again.
105
00:05:44,811 --> 00:05:46,870
What have you been up to?
106
00:05:47,980 --> 00:05:49,470
I think you already asked that.
107
00:05:49,682 --> 00:05:51,616
- Did you answer?
- Didn't I?
108
00:05:51,818 --> 00:05:54,685
- I think I did.
- I don't think you did.
109
00:05:54,887 --> 00:05:57,355
Oh, that's not like me.
110
00:05:57,557 --> 00:05:59,184
Well, maybe you're nervous.
111
00:05:59,392 --> 00:06:00,620
No.
112
00:06:00,827 --> 00:06:01,885
No.
113
00:06:02,128 --> 00:06:04,619
Why don't we just say
that if you did answer, we forgot.
114
00:06:04,831 --> 00:06:06,992
- So we're asking again.
- Oh.
115
00:06:07,166 --> 00:06:10,363
I have been working. Um...
116
00:06:10,536 --> 00:06:13,630
And I've been tending
to my personal affairs.
117
00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:15,330
Mm...
118
00:06:19,545 --> 00:06:22,514
My, uh... I don't know if mentioned...
119
00:06:22,715 --> 00:06:26,412
...one of my sisters is, well,
you know, one of them is deceased.
120
00:06:26,652 --> 00:06:28,279
And the other is...
121
00:06:32,024 --> 00:06:34,049
...mentally retarded.
122
00:06:34,260 --> 00:06:37,354
- Panty raid! Ha, ha, ha.
- Oh!
123
00:06:37,530 --> 00:06:39,464
When I say, "drink," you say, "now."
124
00:06:39,699 --> 00:06:41,098
- Drink. Drink.
- Now. Now.
125
00:06:41,300 --> 00:06:42,927
When I say, "drink,"
you say, "now."
126
00:06:43,102 --> 00:06:44,160
- Drink!
- Now!
127
00:06:44,370 --> 00:06:45,894
- Drink!
- Now!
128
00:06:47,306 --> 00:06:50,605
What are you guys doing? We gotta go.
The wedding starts in 40 minutes.
129
00:06:50,777 --> 00:06:53,439
- Oh!
- Oh! We padded the time.
130
00:06:53,679 --> 00:06:57,547
We lied to you because we knew you'd
be late, so we lied to you about the time.
131
00:06:57,750 --> 00:06:59,183
- Yes!
- Ah.
132
00:06:59,385 --> 00:07:01,785
You don't need perfect people
to make a perfect team.
133
00:07:01,988 --> 00:07:04,582
You need people whose
flaws feed into each other.
134
00:07:04,791 --> 00:07:07,385
It's, uh... What do you call it? Um...
135
00:07:07,593 --> 00:07:08,992
- Co-dependence.
- Synergy.
136
00:07:09,228 --> 00:07:12,459
For instance, something
Britta hates doing but Annie loves doing.
137
00:07:12,698 --> 00:07:14,598
Or something that Annie hates doing...
138
00:07:14,801 --> 00:07:18,567
...but she does it anyways because
what she really loves is to feel useful.
139
00:07:18,771 --> 00:07:21,433
You literally just defined co-dependence.
140
00:07:21,641 --> 00:07:23,302
Here's to synergy.
141
00:07:24,143 --> 00:07:26,236
- Oh, look at you, you little helper.
- Oh!
142
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:27,572
Okay.
143
00:07:27,780 --> 00:07:31,648
Do you, Garrett, take Jack Nicholson
to be your lawfully-wedded wife?
144
00:07:33,719 --> 00:07:35,584
- I do.
- Ha, ha, ha.
145
00:07:35,988 --> 00:07:39,981
- I do, Johnny.
- Yeah!
146
00:07:40,159 --> 00:07:41,592
We invented a new game.
147
00:07:41,794 --> 00:07:43,955
Celebrity Garrett Marriage.
148
00:07:44,363 --> 00:07:47,161
Christian Slater to be
your lawfully-wedded wife.
149
00:07:47,366 --> 00:07:49,334
I do.
150
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:52,863
- I do.
- Ugh.
151
00:07:53,039 --> 00:07:55,098
- He's playing Nicholson.
- Listen to him.
152
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:57,640
We were genius to pad the time margin.
153
00:07:57,810 --> 00:07:59,937
We have three more hours to play.
154
00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:02,512
- Okay. Do you, Garrett...
- Mm-hm.
155
00:08:02,748 --> 00:08:06,275
...take Aubrey Plaza to be your wife?
156
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,147
I do.
157
00:08:08,354 --> 00:08:10,879
I do.
- Heh, heh, heh.
158
00:08:11,057 --> 00:08:13,252
Wait, what do you mean
three more hours?
159
00:08:13,459 --> 00:08:15,552
How is that even possible?
160
00:08:17,630 --> 00:08:21,259
- What times is the wedding?
- Wait, what time is it now?
161
00:08:21,467 --> 00:08:23,196
- We're late!
- We're late!
162
00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:31,803
- What?
- We'll drive together.
163
00:08:31,978 --> 00:08:33,468
- We are not.
- It's been settled.
164
00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:35,146
Nothing was settled.
165
00:08:38,684 --> 00:08:40,413
They left me home alone.
166
00:08:40,653 --> 00:08:43,144
I'm home alone!
167
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:45,415
- Well, not really.
- What?
168
00:08:47,593 --> 00:08:50,562
What the hell are you doing?
Come on. Let's go, go, go!
169
00:08:50,796 --> 00:08:52,491
- Okay.
- Geez.
170
00:08:54,433 --> 00:08:56,993
- Abed, you too. Come on.
- Oh, yeah.
171
00:09:00,339 --> 00:09:04,173
We are here to witness
the union of Garrett and Stacy...
172
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:05,708
...in the eyes of...
173
00:09:05,912 --> 00:09:08,881
Well, in the eyes of
whatever power you choose.
174
00:09:09,081 --> 00:09:12,847
Personally, I find the notion
of choosing to be needlessly limited.
175
00:09:13,052 --> 00:09:15,885
What if I'm capable
of total contradiction?
176
00:09:16,088 --> 00:09:19,580
What if science and
religion were mine...
177
00:09:19,825 --> 00:09:22,089
...to wield as I choose?
178
00:09:22,328 --> 00:09:24,125
What if I'm God?
179
00:09:24,363 --> 00:09:26,593
What if I'm...
180
00:09:26,832 --> 00:09:28,732
...God?
181
00:09:30,770 --> 00:09:33,398
It is likely that I am not.
182
00:09:33,606 --> 00:09:38,270
But I think it's totally out of line
to take that possibility off of the table.
183
00:09:38,477 --> 00:09:41,446
Now, I understand that
vows have been written?
184
00:09:41,647 --> 00:09:44,241
Stacy, when I first saw you...
185
00:09:44,450 --> 00:09:46,577
...looking at you made me feel good.
186
00:09:46,786 --> 00:09:48,344
Touching you felt better.
187
00:09:48,554 --> 00:09:51,546
And knowing you made me
realize that without you...
188
00:09:51,757 --> 00:09:54,089
...I am incomplete.
189
00:09:54,293 --> 00:09:57,353
- I know I look pretty complete.
- Heh, heh, heh.
190
00:09:57,496 --> 00:09:59,794
Somebody over there
laughed at that the wrong way.
191
00:10:00,566 --> 00:10:03,262
You are my body and my soul.
192
00:10:03,469 --> 00:10:05,369
You are my favorite video game.
193
00:10:05,571 --> 00:10:08,096
Guys. Come on. Guys. Guys. Guys.
194
00:10:09,075 --> 00:10:11,407
- Everybody's looking at us.
- Shh!
195
00:10:11,577 --> 00:10:14,774
- Your "shh" was louder than what I said.
- Shh.
196
00:10:14,947 --> 00:10:19,384
- Shh!
- Shh!
197
00:10:19,585 --> 00:10:20,984
Welcome.
198
00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:24,313
Everyone back there, you're welcome.
Please join us.
199
00:10:24,757 --> 00:10:27,089
Any of those people could be God.
200
00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:29,428
- Over there?
- Yeah.
201
00:10:36,168 --> 00:10:39,626
Garrett, since we met,
you have felt so familiar.
202
00:10:39,839 --> 00:10:42,171
I love making sandwiches with you.
203
00:10:42,408 --> 00:10:44,706
I love folding towels with you.
204
00:10:44,944 --> 00:10:47,936
I love giving you your
pain killers at the end of the day.
205
00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:49,842
Aw.
206
00:10:50,016 --> 00:10:52,507
Well, that's...
Those aren't really vows.
207
00:10:52,718 --> 00:10:56,017
- A list of things you love about me.
- I'm so sorry.
208
00:10:56,222 --> 00:10:58,122
- It's okay.
- Garrett...
209
00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:01,350
...do you take Stacy to be
your lawfully-wedded wife?
210
00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:02,618
- I do.
- Heh, heh, heh.
211
00:11:02,828 --> 00:11:06,559
Stacy, do you take Garrett to be
your lawfully-wedded husband...
212
00:11:06,799 --> 00:11:11,463
...to have and to hold, and to honor?
- Yes. Yes, I do.
213
00:11:18,644 --> 00:11:22,307
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. And Mrs. Garrett Lambert.
214
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:24,312
Garrett, you may kiss Mrs. Garrett.
215
00:11:36,228 --> 00:11:38,958
Where the party at? Oh.
216
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,693
Okay, let's endure this.
217
00:11:43,903 --> 00:11:45,234
Are we nailing today or what?
218
00:11:45,471 --> 00:11:47,666
Who would've thought Barrett's
wedding would be the best day?
219
00:11:47,873 --> 00:11:51,036
Definitely not Garrett,
since his name's not Barrett.
220
00:11:51,210 --> 00:11:53,371
- Oopsie. Me say wrong name.
- Oh, racist.
221
00:11:53,579 --> 00:11:55,911
- Oh, no, you a racist.
- You guys are racist.
222
00:11:56,115 --> 00:11:58,481
- Everyone from here to there is racist.
- Yeah.
223
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,612
Oh.
224
00:12:02,788 --> 00:12:04,779
- Hi.
- Having a good time?
225
00:12:05,024 --> 00:12:06,491
- Yes.
- Are you Garrett's mom?
226
00:12:06,692 --> 00:12:08,853
- I sure am.
- Aw.
227
00:12:09,028 --> 00:12:12,794
I think you guys could
maybe take a step back.
228
00:12:13,032 --> 00:12:17,059
Gain a little perspective so
you don't wreck the whole night...
229
00:12:17,269 --> 00:12:18,861
...for some wonderful people.
230
00:12:20,005 --> 00:12:24,533
You came to a wedding in the
middle of the vows through a bush.
231
00:12:25,077 --> 00:12:27,204
I'm not Dr. Phil...
232
00:12:27,613 --> 00:12:31,777
...but I don't want my son to kill himself.
So do what you gotta do.
233
00:12:32,384 --> 00:12:34,011
Yeah.
234
00:12:36,622 --> 00:12:38,385
Ooh...
235
00:12:38,557 --> 00:12:40,525
- Holy crap.
- What have we done?
236
00:12:40,726 --> 00:12:42,751
Okay, we just got checked.
237
00:12:42,962 --> 00:12:44,293
And it was pretty deserved.
238
00:12:44,530 --> 00:12:47,158
We're not gonna stand here
and lick our wounds either.
239
00:12:47,399 --> 00:12:48,593
Jeff is right.
240
00:12:48,801 --> 00:12:51,736
And that chipper,
passive-aggressive lady, she's right too.
241
00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:53,928
So let's spread out and...
242
00:12:54,140 --> 00:12:56,335
Be the best wedding guests...
243
00:12:56,575 --> 00:12:58,566
...anyone has ever seen.
244
00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:01,178
- Yes.
- Not gonna overthink. Just gonna try it.
245
00:13:01,413 --> 00:13:02,607
Yes, yes, yes.
246
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,443
- Hey.
- Mazel tov.
247
00:13:04,650 --> 00:13:07,949
So a stranger walked over
to our very proud group...
248
00:13:08,154 --> 00:13:10,645
...and smashed our pride into pieces
with a hammer...
249
00:13:10,856 --> 00:13:13,120
...which definitely felt like a disaster.
250
00:13:13,325 --> 00:13:16,590
Then I started to pick up
the pieces of our pride.
251
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:18,957
And, weirdly enough...
252
00:13:19,165 --> 00:13:23,295
...the first piece I picked up was
my own pride, all of it.
253
00:13:23,502 --> 00:13:28,439
It's like groups and people in groups
can never be complete at the same time.
254
00:13:29,275 --> 00:13:31,004
Does that make any sense?
255
00:13:31,510 --> 00:13:33,000
No?
256
00:13:33,679 --> 00:13:35,874
Well, that's your problem.
257
00:13:36,448 --> 00:13:37,676
I love you, Abed.
258
00:13:37,883 --> 00:13:39,714
Do I know how to be
a good wedding guest?
259
00:13:39,952 --> 00:13:42,978
Yes, I do.
A little too well. That's the problem.
260
00:13:43,322 --> 00:13:45,381
My name is Elroy Patashnik...
261
00:13:45,624 --> 00:13:47,717
...and from 2006 to 2009...
262
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,155
...I was addicted to
encouraging white people.
263
00:13:50,362 --> 00:13:52,023
All right.
264
00:13:52,231 --> 00:13:54,165
Now there's a man
who knows his meatballs.
265
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,227
- It started as survival.
- Thank you.
266
00:13:56,468 --> 00:13:59,403
The tech industry in the 90s,
this face, this voice...
267
00:13:59,638 --> 00:14:02,471
They'll either help you or hold you back.
So you tap the gas.
268
00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:05,041
Because, well, why tap the brake?
269
00:14:05,244 --> 00:14:06,677
Oh, you know.
270
00:14:06,879 --> 00:14:09,006
You know what you're doing.
271
00:14:09,215 --> 00:14:12,742
This man knows exactly what he's doing.
Heh, heh, heh.
272
00:14:12,918 --> 00:14:14,852
I learned the cheat code.
273
00:14:15,054 --> 00:14:18,148
White people like encouragement.
It really doesn't matter what for.
274
00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:19,915
Now, that's a container for liquid.
275
00:14:20,159 --> 00:14:21,353
Never felt like a sell-out.
276
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:24,654
I never laughed at anything unfunny,
never said anything untrue.
277
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:26,491
The thing is...
278
00:14:27,199 --> 00:14:29,497
...and this will sound racist...
279
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:33,035
...white people are discouraged,
and discouraging to each other.
280
00:14:33,239 --> 00:14:36,231
Sweetie, you're getting
meatball juice everywhere but your plate.
281
00:14:36,442 --> 00:14:38,376
Doing better than you
with your asparagus.
282
00:14:38,577 --> 00:14:42,343
Oh, now that's the way
to handle a meatball. Heh, heh.
283
00:14:42,514 --> 00:14:44,004
And look at you.
284
00:14:44,216 --> 00:14:45,740
- Working that asparagus.
- Heh, heh.
285
00:14:45,951 --> 00:14:50,285
So the day you start telling them,
"Hey, just do what you're doing."
286
00:14:50,689 --> 00:14:52,520
- I love you.
- I love you.
287
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,920
You feel like a superhero.
288
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:57,685
What's the danger? Why'd I stop?
289
00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,194
Well...
290
00:14:59,398 --> 00:15:02,231
...same as with anything else
that makes you feel good.
291
00:15:02,434 --> 00:15:04,095
If you don't put a lid on it...
292
00:15:17,883 --> 00:15:19,373
There's no lid.
293
00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:22,577
Stacy has a 90-year-old meemaw here.
294
00:15:22,788 --> 00:15:24,483
I pushed her around the dance floor.
295
00:15:24,723 --> 00:15:27,055
- I think she liked it.
- No, that's Polly.
296
00:15:27,259 --> 00:15:30,490
No, great-Aunt Polly is Garrett's side.
297
00:15:30,729 --> 00:15:32,219
I haven't met her.
298
00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:34,831
Oh, my God. Do you think
she saw me pushing meemaw?
299
00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:36,967
Now she's wondering
what's wrong with her?
300
00:15:37,202 --> 00:15:38,260
- I'll be back.
- Annie.
301
00:15:38,470 --> 00:15:41,906
The world will still need you
after you finish your cake.
302
00:15:42,107 --> 00:15:45,201
- Am I that bad?
- We have the same dragon.
303
00:15:45,411 --> 00:15:49,472
Eventually, you will slay it, or train it,
or dissolve in its stomach.
304
00:15:49,715 --> 00:15:52,309
Its name is "helping others."
305
00:15:52,518 --> 00:15:56,511
- If I train it, can I give it a cooler name?
- If you do, you can do anything you want.
306
00:15:56,755 --> 00:16:00,714
If you slay it, I don't know. I guess
you get a new dragon named "Yourself."
307
00:16:00,926 --> 00:16:03,724
- And then you'd be Jeff Winger.
- Heh, heh. Yeah.
308
00:16:03,929 --> 00:16:05,362
That guy needs help.
309
00:16:10,836 --> 00:16:14,863
What would you name your dragon?
I think we need a list of dragon names.
310
00:16:15,107 --> 00:16:16,165
Yeah.
311
00:16:16,342 --> 00:16:18,469
"Then we need to
get you away from Jeff"'...
312
00:16:18,677 --> 00:16:22,636
...is what I wanted to say.
But how is that my business?
313
00:16:24,450 --> 00:16:27,613
You don't show these to
people when you finish them?
314
00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:30,448
- No.
- Okay, good. Heh.
315
00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:35,953
So then why do you
make them again?
316
00:16:36,161 --> 00:16:39,153
It relaxes me.
It's like knitting, with less discipline.
317
00:16:39,531 --> 00:16:41,863
Princess Fire Breath. Sir Pent.
318
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:45,468
Dr. Rachel Spinetail.
Holly Hot Breath. Ugh.
319
00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:47,798
Jimmy Talon. Christian Scale.
320
00:16:47,973 --> 00:16:49,998
I got into a bit
of a celebrity pun-barrel.
321
00:16:50,209 --> 00:16:54,270
Carson Scaly,
Jude Claw, Ariana Puffington.
322
00:16:54,713 --> 00:16:57,079
Hi. Are these your biggest ice cubes?
323
00:16:57,316 --> 00:17:00,285
No, you're boisterous.
Where is my brother?
324
00:17:01,887 --> 00:17:03,821
There has been a plot twist...
325
00:17:03,989 --> 00:17:06,719
...in the story of our comeback
as wedding guests.
326
00:17:06,925 --> 00:17:10,588
Garrett's older brother, Bones,
has relapsed during his weekend pass...
327
00:17:10,829 --> 00:17:13,855
...and will be unable to do
the best man toast.
328
00:17:15,501 --> 00:17:20,063
So I took Garrett's mom aside and
told her after our behavior today...
329
00:17:20,305 --> 00:17:22,205
...it was the least
I could do for them.
330
00:17:22,408 --> 00:17:25,673
And I'm not gonna Winger speech it.
This is a thing of substance.
331
00:17:26,011 --> 00:17:29,105
We pooled all the inside info
based on all the mingling...
332
00:17:29,348 --> 00:17:32,613
...and this toast is
rocket-fueled selflessness.
333
00:17:32,851 --> 00:17:36,582
And this wedding's going to regret the
day it thought we'd make it about us.
334
00:17:36,755 --> 00:17:39,417
Because we're about to be
the first guests in history...
335
00:17:39,625 --> 00:17:42,321
...to out-toast the entire
******* wedding party.
336
00:17:42,528 --> 00:17:44,257
God, I love my job.
337
00:17:44,463 --> 00:17:47,227
Wait, this isn't my job.
God, I love myself.
338
00:17:47,433 --> 00:17:49,594
That was Stacy's...
339
00:17:49,935 --> 00:17:52,768
...first time.
340
00:17:54,473 --> 00:17:57,874
But it's not gonna be
her last time, right, Garrett?
341
00:17:58,977 --> 00:18:01,275
So many classic toast errors.
342
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:04,711
A fire hydrant could follow this.
Heh, heh.
343
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:07,249
And please, keep painting.
344
00:18:07,453 --> 00:18:09,387
Don't let Garrett... Don't... Hey.
345
00:18:09,588 --> 00:18:11,886
Don't let Garrett
keep you from painting.
346
00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:13,115
Okay, I'm done.
347
00:18:13,358 --> 00:18:16,122
Okay. Stacy's friend Andi,
everybody.
348
00:18:16,295 --> 00:18:18,160
Next up, we have
a replacement best man.
349
00:18:18,397 --> 00:18:21,491
Garrett's friend from Greendale College,
Jeffrey Winger.
350
00:18:21,733 --> 00:18:24,759
There's a lot of things
I can say about this couple.
351
00:18:24,970 --> 00:18:27,234
They're both in
my class at Greendale.
352
00:18:27,439 --> 00:18:30,306
And like all my students,
I give them until about June.
353
00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:34,473
No, you guys will be fine forever.
354
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:38,673
As long as Stacy
never lets Andi babysit. Heh, heh, heh.
355
00:18:38,884 --> 00:18:40,784
- Or go near a child.
- Ha, ha, ha.
356
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:44,514
Or be in the same town
as a pair of scissors.
357
00:18:44,923 --> 00:18:48,086
- This girl's a wreck.
- Ha, ha, ha.
358
00:18:48,260 --> 00:18:50,592
- He's being too mean.
- No, he's reading the room.
359
00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:54,630
- Andi was a bummer. They needed this.
- Two people merging their lives.
360
00:18:54,833 --> 00:18:56,027
But that means...
361
00:18:56,268 --> 00:18:59,795
...two families are
leaving here tonight as one.
362
00:19:00,005 --> 00:19:01,267
That's a big deal.
363
00:19:01,473 --> 00:19:04,499
Now, my friends and I
came here tonight as outsiders.
364
00:19:04,710 --> 00:19:06,678
But thanks to some good advice...
365
00:19:06,912 --> 00:19:11,645
...we spent the night learning
about these two clans of outsiders.
366
00:19:12,684 --> 00:19:16,051
We learned that
Garrett's Uncle Tony is a photographer.
367
00:19:16,288 --> 00:19:20,657
Uncle Tony, did you know Stacy's friend
Lawrence makes and sells frames?
368
00:19:20,859 --> 00:19:23,225
Look each other up,
get some business going.
369
00:19:23,462 --> 00:19:27,193
Oh, and Garett's neighbor Don
loves vintage cars.
370
00:19:27,432 --> 00:19:30,162
Stacy's chiropractor
Susan brought her dad...
371
00:19:30,369 --> 00:19:34,703
...and guess what? Her dad worked in
an automobile factory in the '60s.
372
00:19:34,940 --> 00:19:36,305
Yeah, I know.
373
00:19:36,508 --> 00:19:40,000
These are the things you learn
being the biggest jerks at a wedding.
374
00:19:40,212 --> 00:19:42,339
Here's another golden nugget
in the gravel.
375
00:19:42,548 --> 00:19:45,244
Some of you have
worked the dance floor...
376
00:19:45,484 --> 00:19:49,215
...with Garrett's divine great-Aunt Polly,
90 years young.
377
00:19:50,088 --> 00:19:53,649
And some of you
chatted with Stacy's meemaw.
378
00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:56,350
Also 90 years young.
379
00:19:58,263 --> 00:20:01,960
Now, I don't know
if they've even met before tonight.
380
00:20:02,167 --> 00:20:03,725
But we did learn...
381
00:20:03,969 --> 00:20:06,563
...that both of them were born...
382
00:20:06,772 --> 00:20:10,503
...in the same town,
Sheridan, Wyoming.
383
00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:14,577
Now, Garrett and Stacy, would you
mind getting them both out here?
384
00:20:14,780 --> 00:20:16,475
All right, yeah.
385
00:20:16,682 --> 00:20:18,741
I know Aunt Polly's here.
386
00:20:18,984 --> 00:20:20,611
Isn't she beautiful?
387
00:20:22,854 --> 00:20:26,381
Okay, who has got eyes on meemaw?
388
00:20:28,594 --> 00:20:30,494
This is meemaw.
389
00:20:30,696 --> 00:20:33,096
Oh, this is meemaw.
390
00:20:33,298 --> 00:20:36,495
Okay, I feel like an idiot.
I'm so, so sorry.
391
00:20:36,702 --> 00:20:39,193
Garrett, where's Aunt Polly?
392
00:20:41,740 --> 00:20:43,901
Okay. Uh...
393
00:20:44,276 --> 00:20:47,109
Now I don't feel as stupid.
394
00:20:47,312 --> 00:20:50,110
Because either someone here is lying...
395
00:20:50,315 --> 00:20:53,079
...or this family's a lot
closer than we thought.
396
00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:03,053
And now...
397
00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:07,289
...this is a man that knows
how to marry his cousin.
398
00:21:10,302 --> 00:21:11,667
Oh!
399
00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:25,944
None of this would've happened
if I wasn't trying to help.
400
00:21:26,151 --> 00:21:29,086
None of this would've happened if
I didn't help you with your helpfulness.
401
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:31,153
Don't torture yourself with that logic.
402
00:21:31,356 --> 00:21:33,290
None of us would have met
if Hitler hadn't been born.
403
00:21:33,492 --> 00:21:36,256
And none of Britta's arguments
would have a default analogy.
404
00:21:36,461 --> 00:21:38,793
- Excuse me?
- He's saying you go to Hitler a lot.
405
00:21:38,997 --> 00:21:42,797
- What are you, Hitler, Hitler?
- Britta, we're all the worst right now.
406
00:21:43,001 --> 00:21:45,162
- Take a day off.
- I did.
407
00:21:45,337 --> 00:21:48,204
Between us ruining the ceremony
and ruining the reception...
408
00:21:48,373 --> 00:21:51,365
...when we were all just individual
people, I wasn't the worst.
409
00:21:51,576 --> 00:21:53,168
I'm only the worst with you guys.
410
00:21:53,345 --> 00:21:54,369
- Me too.
- Me too.
411
00:21:54,613 --> 00:21:56,444
I was a good dean before you guys.
412
00:21:56,648 --> 00:21:59,276
- You can't disprove it.
- I relapsed because of you guys.
413
00:21:59,484 --> 00:22:02,009
Oh, it's not that big a deal.
White people problems.
414
00:22:02,220 --> 00:22:04,848
I like this group.
I'm at my best when I'm with you guys.
415
00:22:05,090 --> 00:22:08,958
Well, that clinches it. Separate
cabs? Separate cabs? Separate cabs?
416
00:22:09,161 --> 00:22:10,389
Hi.
417
00:22:10,629 --> 00:22:14,121
For those still with us,
we won't be cutting the cake or dancing.
418
00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:16,961
I believe there was a guy
in a Homer Simpson costume...
419
00:22:17,169 --> 00:22:19,899
...that was gonna surprise me.
That won't be necessary.
420
00:22:20,706 --> 00:22:23,334
Drive safe. And thank you for coming.
421
00:22:23,542 --> 00:22:25,169
What are you going to do?
422
00:22:25,377 --> 00:22:26,605
Chang.
423
00:22:26,812 --> 00:22:29,110
- We're going home.
- Are you gonna stay married?
424
00:22:29,314 --> 00:22:30,474
Chang.
425
00:22:30,682 --> 00:22:35,551
We consulted with a lawyer, and it is
legal in this state to marry your cousin.
426
00:22:35,754 --> 00:22:39,485
But after talking to our family,
we feel an annulment is warranted.
427
00:22:39,691 --> 00:22:42,125
- What? No, screw that. No, no.
- Chang, get back here.
428
00:22:42,327 --> 00:22:43,351
Screw you guys.
429
00:22:43,562 --> 00:22:46,998
This family is so screwed up, you
thought you were two different families.
430
00:22:47,199 --> 00:22:49,690
Now that you know you're not,
you can't wait to leave.
431
00:22:49,901 --> 00:22:52,426
And you want this guy to do what?
Forget he's in love?
432
00:22:52,637 --> 00:22:53,661
For you?
433
00:22:53,872 --> 00:22:56,067
You want him to take one
for this crappy team?
434
00:22:56,274 --> 00:22:58,435
- Let him finish.
- They were letting me finish.
435
00:22:58,677 --> 00:23:01,544
- I know. I was being sarcastic.
- Okay, you know...
436
00:23:07,252 --> 00:23:10,187
Garrett, who loves you here
more than Stacy?
437
00:23:11,790 --> 00:23:13,951
- Nobody.
- Stacy...
438
00:23:14,192 --> 00:23:17,059
...is it your fault Garrett's your cousin?
- No.
439
00:23:17,262 --> 00:23:19,890
Is anyone here going to
make less fun of these two?
440
00:23:20,098 --> 00:23:22,794
Or be better friends to them
no matter what they do?
441
00:23:23,034 --> 00:23:24,058
No.
442
00:23:24,569 --> 00:23:27,197
It's you against the world,
and you will not win.
443
00:23:27,406 --> 00:23:30,068
But you get to make your moves...
444
00:23:30,275 --> 00:23:31,936
...not them.
445
00:23:38,450 --> 00:23:39,917
Stacy?
446
00:23:42,687 --> 00:23:45,713
- Will you be my legally-incestuous wife?
- Yes.
447
00:23:45,924 --> 00:23:48,620
Everyone stay and eat cake,
or go to hell!
448
00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:54,422
- Yeah. Way to go, buddy.
- Make it last, baby.
449
00:23:55,133 --> 00:23:58,591
- I did it, I did it. This is about me.
- Ha, ha, ha.
450
00:23:58,770 --> 00:24:01,295
I didn't think I could do it, but I did.
451
00:24:05,010 --> 00:24:08,309
Smile! Smile! Garrett, look up.
452
00:24:17,756 --> 00:24:20,247
Ugh. So much Jim-ing.
453
00:24:25,831 --> 00:24:28,265
Wow, what an episode of Community.
454
00:24:28,467 --> 00:24:31,868
Hi, I'm Briggs Hatton,
credited author of this week's episode.
455
00:24:32,103 --> 00:24:35,129
You might have noticed an
emphasis on the topic of incest.
456
00:24:35,307 --> 00:24:36,501
Well, that's no accident.
457
00:24:36,675 --> 00:24:40,441
For the past two years, when not serving
as writer's assistant on Community...
458
00:24:40,645 --> 00:24:44,012
...I've researched incest on the Internet.
What I found surprised me.
459
00:24:44,249 --> 00:24:46,513
Did you know
first cousins can have children...
460
00:24:46,685 --> 00:24:48,812
...without risk of
birth defects or disease?
461
00:24:49,020 --> 00:24:52,148
That's a quote directly from
The New York Times, April 4th, 2002.
462
00:24:52,357 --> 00:24:57,522
Despite this fact, state laws on incest
remain inconsistent and outdated.
463
00:24:57,762 --> 00:25:00,196
I mean, I can make love
to my cousin in Nebraska.
464
00:25:00,365 --> 00:25:04,062
If I take her on a date in South Dakota,
I'm looking at 15 years prison time.
465
00:25:04,302 --> 00:25:06,998
I told the Community writers,
"Attention must be paid."
466
00:25:07,172 --> 00:25:09,868
They said they'd allow me to
address it on one condition.
467
00:25:10,075 --> 00:25:14,011
At the end of the episode, I must
appear and identify myself as writer.
468
00:25:14,212 --> 00:25:17,045
Look, I'm not trying to tell you
how to feel about incest.
469
00:25:17,215 --> 00:25:20,810
I'm just letting you know
there's more to it than you've been told.
470
00:25:21,019 --> 00:25:22,316
I'm Briggs Hatton.
471
00:25:22,521 --> 00:25:25,820
I wrote the Community
season six incest episode.
472
00:25:26,024 --> 00:25:27,692
Goodnight.
473
00:25:32,500 --> 00:25:40,500
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