[ominous music]
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
[acoustic guitar playing]
Oh, hello there, friend. Welcome to Oak Grove,
where our number one export is Minnesota Nice.
Do you like pie?
Grandpa, why are you talking to a parking meter?
'Cause we're on a date, and I think she likes me.
[guitar playing resumes]
Oh, sorry.
I accidentally dropped my juice on the back of your head.
[grunts] [laughing]
Oops. Clumsy.
Hey, look what we made with our rainbow looms, Dylan.
What'd you make with yours? A friend?
[laughing]
I don't need any friends, Mackenzie B.
When I have this!
[screaming] [music]
[screams] Huah!
Aah!
[yells] No, no, no, no, no!
And now, Mackenzie B., to feast on your popular brains!
Nom, nom, nom, nom.
Ugh, Mrs. Budnick! Dylan's eating my scrunchie again!
Dylan Beekler, no weapons at school!
[grunts, laughter] Unhand me, slop breasted yard hag!
I am calling your mother!
You mean, her single mother.
All right, young lady, hand over the rainbow toy.
It's a mace, mom. And ancient weapon used
for bludgeoning infidels and women who learned math.
Like you!
Dylan, rubber bands are for bunching asparagus only.
And now, you'll have to spend the entire day with me at work.
Aah!
[screaming] [screeching tires]
Honey, you've gotta stop getting suspended.
Paul can only cover for me so many times.
Ugh, thanks for covering, Paul, as usual.
Any time, Carole.
Oh, and the boss came by and hit on you again.
You thought showing him your hairy armpits
would turn him off, but it only made him hornier.
Anyway, you let him get to second base.
Dylan, I know school is hard. But, I bet if you
tried, you and Mackenzie B. could be friends.
Friends?
That freckle-faced hooker is my mortal enemy!
Forget it, mom. You don't get me.
- Nobody gets me. - Hey, I heard
the janitors put new glue traps in the basement.
Maybe you should check out to see if they caught any rats?
Ooh, do you think any of them chewed off
- their own legs to escape? - Yeah, maybe.
Yes! More rat parts, I can finally make a necklace!
She doesn't have a father.
Ooh...
Aww.
What is that?
[groaning]
Whoa! Badass.
Hey, I heard you got kicked out of school again, you butt-licks.
- [very quickly] Bitch on fire says what? - What?
[screams]
Mom! Dylan lit me on fire again!
Carole: Stop, drop, and roll, honey!
Ugh!
Dylan, you're ruining my life! [smoke detector beeping]
Words? Ugh! Lame.
"Yef reats bena-shue"?
[gags]
That hurt so much!
What else can you do, book?
"Nuttersoap nag"!
Argh!
[screams]
[gasping]
Aww, now I miss it.
"Herses spadt."
Cool! Gross!
Uh-oh.
Yes, yes, yes! A murderous beast?
I could totally go for one of those.
"Adsturn niervay ratus herse"!
[growling]
More virgins for everyone!
Oh, top-notch orgy, huh, Kruung?
Yes, my lord. You really forced them into it this time.
Oh, I sure did.
Hey, why don't we have all my guests...
- executed. - Executed!
Oh my god, it's like we share the same brain!
[screams]
Oh, Kruung, nobody gets me like you do.
Oh master, I would gladly give my life for you.
You know what, when I get back from taking this leak,
I might just take you up on that offer. [laughs]
Work through it, work through it. Yeah, okay.
It's not a good orgy if it doesn't burn after.
Ahh...
Oh my god.
[screams]
Whoa!
Golan: What is going on?
Oh my god!
Ow!
What the hell? You there!
The sexy thing giving me the bedroom eyes.
Tell me where I am, and I will reward you
with the most forgettable copulation of your life.
Wow. Am I in the all jerk dimension?
Dylan: Pretty much, yeah.
- What? - You are in Oak Grove, beast.
Beast? I'm no beast.
For I am Golan, the Insatiable!
Godlord Terrible of Gkruool! Crusher of Wills!
Impregnator of the Unimpregnable!
Awesome! I am Dylan of house Beekler!
Holder of soccer participation trophy!
Master of the Italian accent!
Googler of "what is sex?"!
Impressive color scheme.
Yeah, well, I made it out of rubber bands.
In Gkruool we only use rubber bands for bunching asparagus.
Now, tell me, how did I come to this place?
I found this grotesque book that spoke to my dark soul,
and I used it to summon you.
Wha? You have the legendary Gkruoolian tome of infinite evil?
- Where is it?! - I hid it under my bed,
which is where I hide all the anti-psychotics I'm supposed to take
and other things that are complicated objects for me.
Do you wanna come over?
Sure. Take me to your castle, little boy.
Ugh. Good, come on.
- By the way, I'm a girl. - Really?
Ugh!
[laughing] Zeah, that's not even the good part!
- And then, when she opened her locker... - Yeah? Really?
...the dead squirrel's rotting carcass fell right on her ugly face.
[both laughing]
One time, I buried a village of elders up to their necks
and let Thruuk beetles feast off their face flesh.
[laughing]
Golan, together, we're gonna fulfill my school counselor's prophecy,
and unleash a bloody reign of terror on this town!
[bike bell rings]
Do-do-doo! We have arrived, m'lord.
Clever. Disguising your castle as a piece of crap
to ward off invasion, no doubt.
Gosh, Dylan, you're up early this m...
[screams]
There's a monster in our house!
Oh, jam and jelly, what are we gonna do?
You must demonstrate your mortal worth to my dark lord,
and prepare us a feast of toaster strudels!
The ones with strawberry!
[screams]
Did somebody say something about strawberry toaster strudels?
So, Dylan tells me you're some kind of gosh lord?
- Oh, I'm so, so sorry. - Ooh. You know,
your bottom is rounder than your face would suggest.
- [chuckles] Just saying. - Oh, I don't know about all that.
But, I have been going to Patty's step class at the Y.
It's intermediate.
So, you planning on being in town for a while?
No. As soon as Dylan retrieves my tome,
- I shall return to Gkruool forever! - Forever?
But, we haven't yet slaughtered the innocent.
- Golan, the book! It's gone! - What?
Somebody must have stolen it, or something.
No!
Without that tome, I'm stuck in this fetid anus of a dimension!
You know kids, when I lost my parking clicker,
I filed a missing property report down at the Town Hall.
Then we must go to your hall of town, posthaste!
- Battle cry! - Hey, wait up!
Mom! You said you'd never bring a boyfriend home again!
Oh, Golan? Oh, he's not my boyfriend. [laughs]
He's certainly, uh... a possibility.
I wouldn't kick him out of bed. I would not.
[gavel banging]
As we are all aware,
there is another duck trapped in the mall.
Now, I think the Minnesota Nice thing to do would be to give him a name.
I was thinking "Duck Bill o'Reilly."
[applause] Yay! The mayor did it again.
[all screaming]
Attention, high council of Oak Grove!
And cower before Golan the Insatiable!
Yeah, suck it, Oak Grove.
I, the Godlord Terrible of Gkruool,
demand the return of my tome, or I will kill everyone!
Even me? But, I'm the mayor.
Even you! [roars]
- Young man. - What?
If you want to file an official missing property report,
you have to fill out a standard D13.
Give me that! Let me see here...
All right, name. Yeah, got that.
Social security. Uh, I'm gonna have to call home for that one.
All right, yeah, this seems pretty straight forward.
I accept your challenge, very attractive ogre!
[laughing]
That's right! Golan's taller than most architects planned for.
Muah-ha... Oww!
The worst part, Keith,
Is my mother's boyfriend will probably move in,
and act like he's my dad, but he'll never be my dad!
Sounds like your mom's new boyfriend's got to go.
Alexis, hand me my num-nums.
Oh, Keith. You're so popular.
'Sup?
Seems like a pretty nice guy.
It'll be hard to accept him into your family,
but, in time, you will learn that he cares for you.
And one day, you'll surprise yourself when you call him "Dad."
The nunchuck delivery guy is weird.
Oh, my god! You're not done yet?
If Kruung were here, I'd be like, "fill out that form!"
And he'd be like, "boom, it's already done.
Can I kill any of your wives for you? Something like that?"
That Kruung, he's like the best acolyte ever.
Acolyte? What's an acolyte?
Uh, it's like an apprentice, you know, with no chance
of being promoted, and who I can blame stuff on.
Oh my god, that's awesome. Hey, um, Golan.
Do you think I could ever be your acolyte?
[snoring]
Oh, Kruung, you got the coolest muscles.
I guess there's really no rush on this.
Looks like you're gonna be here for a while.
Good night, dark lord.
Thank you for saving me from a lifetime of lonely...
[muffled scream]
Help! I can't breathe, I can't breathe, I can't...
- Mom, I missed the bus. - Carole: Fine, I'll drive you.
[groaning] Hmm?
Golan, darling, if you are watching this, that means it's too late for me.
I am already at school, but don't weep for me,
for I shall be suspended by lunch to the North Sea, I swear it.
Oh my god!
[siren blares]
Golan, Golan, guess what? If you bring a crossbow
to school, you get a ride home from the cops!
How was my day, you ask? It was...
revealing.
To the North Sea, I swear it.
- Uh-oh. - You have betrayed me!
- [screams] Dylan? - Hi, Carole.
Ugh. Well, now I have to start all over again.
[yelling]
Why did you lie to me?
I only lied because... I didn't want you to go home.
You're the only friend I've ever had.
Oh, wow. I had no idea...
that we were on freaking "Oprah"!
Now give me my tome, so I can get back to my dimension
and the hell away from you! [screams]
I'm sorry, okay? I'll give you your book.
[gasps] The tome is gone!
It was in my backpack.
Somebody must have stolen it. For real this time.
Ugh, what an emotional roller coaster! Who stole it?
How am I supposed to know?
I can't even solve the mystery of how babies are made.
I wasn't asking you. I was asking the backpack.
[roars]
Hello, naked warrior boy.
Tell me, who stole the tome, backpack?
Uh-uh-uhh.
First, the little one has to do something for me.
- What do I have to do? - I want you to build me a wife.
Out of canvas and nylon.
- Oh. The bride of backpack. - That's stupid.
Shut up, Dylan! Everyone deserves love!
- It's a deal. - Excellent. The thief you seek is...
- Dylan, principal's office now! - Argh!
Girls, guess what I just stole? Dylan's diary.
Oh, my god!
Let's read it tonight at my slumber party.
- Awesome. - So cool.
Ooh, a slumber party?
The Mackenzie B. has my tome?
She's, like, the meanest girl in second grade!
That's right, and we're going to that little
turd's slumber party to get your book back.
And I've got a wedding to plan.
♪ Here comes to pack ♪
♪ pack on the back ♪
Now, remember the plan.
Once the house is engulfed in flames, you run in, find the
tome, then toss it out the window as you're being burned alive.
Um, of course I remember, because it was my plan in the first place.
- [whispering] Oh no! - Hello? Is anyone out there?
We're so busted.
[whispers] Relax. I've got a backup plan.
Dylan, no!
Dylan! What are you doing here? [girls chuckling]
I was so terribly sad I wasn't invited to the party,
and also, I don't have a father,
and it's my birthday, and I dropped my ice cream cone.
Oh, sweetie, you are so pathetic. Now, Mackenzie B.,
inviting Dylan into a home that doesn't reek of poverty
would be the Minnesota Nice thing to do.
Of course, Mommy. We have an extra princess
tiara that would look adorable on Dylan.
[shivers]
[whispers] Dylan, you don't have to do this.
[whispers] Yes, I do.
[normal voice] Great. I've always wanted
to be a stereotypical child princess.
[laughs fiendishly]
♪ Look out, look out, the sun coming out ♪
♪ look out, look out, for the sunshine ♪
♪ everybody's gonna have such a good time ♪
Send it to everyone. Caption it "no friends."
Wait, caption it "die alone."
A caption diminishes the embarrassment.
Dylan, looking for...
your diary? [gasps]
Give me that, pig-tailed wench!
Girls, it's time to find out if Dylan still wets her bed...
or which boy she wants to kiss...
- or which girl. - Dylan.
[whispers] Read page 36!
Please, whatever you do, just don't read page 36,
which details my ongoing battle with sleep-farting.
- It's embarrassing. - Ooh, look at that.
I randomly just turned the page to 36.
"Riazz eezer, nuuler sopb knarf asil"?
What the hell does that mean?
Aww!
Oh, how cute! Come here, little guy.
[roars]
Aah!
Drown in the nightmare that is your pathetic reality, bitches!
Aah!
[screaming]
Hey, what's going on in here?
Aargh!
Aah!
[laughs] I love page 36.
Yes, yes! [laughs] Oh my god, that was so awesome!
I even have chunks of Mackenzie B. in my hair.
I'm never washing it again.
I'm laughing so hard, I'm crying.
Cool! You cry out of your nipples? I want that.
Hey, I guess I do.
Okay, on that note, I think it's time to go home.
- You're leaving? - Uh, yeah.
That was pretty much the whole point of the entire quest.
Well, I know, but we were having so much fun
- torturing those children. - Those were children? Gah.
And, if you stayed, then maybe I could be your acolyte.
You? My acolyte?!
[laughing]
You could never be my acolyte!
You know what? Fine! Get in your stupid portal and go,
and tell your precious Kruung I said to suck it!
You know, profanity is the last refuge of the inarticulate.
The inarticulate! [roars]
See ya, sucker.
Ugh! Kruung, I'm back!
Look, I made this for you with a rainbow loom.
[gasps]
Kruung?
Kruung the Insatiable! Do your Golan impression!
Anything for my sex slaves.
Hi, I'm Golan, and everybody hates me.
They're glad I'm gone.
Also, [farting noise] I'm fat!
[laughing]
Oh... if it's on a T-shirt, it must be true.
Hey, look, it's Golan!
[crowd gasps]
- Uh-oh. - Execute him!
Waah!
Aah!
I'm sorry your monster friend is gone, honey.
Maybe, I could be your monster.
Arrrgh... I really wanted to be your mom's new boyfriend.
D-Did he say anything like that? Does that sound familiar?
[crashing]
What in the "Murder she wrote" is that?
We're live in downtown Oak Grove,
where local area monster Golan the Insatiable
is acting more like Golan "the Inconsolable..."
Kruung, you betrayed-ed me!
[gasps] Kruung betrayed him?
But, Kruung is Golan's number one acolyte!
Sounds like Craig was his number one acolyte.
- Dylan, go to him. - Carole...
don't touch me.
Golan, I'm coming!
Listen up, everybody! There's a monster trying to
be my new dad, and now he's destroying the town!
We have to send him back to hell, or whatever.
[yelling] Wait, wait, wait! Hold your donkey's folks.
Now, we've all had our bad days.
Remember when the town wouldn't let me marry my horse?
Man: I remember.
Well, it seems this Golan fella is having a bad day of his own,
but I bet we could snap him out of that funk
with a little pinch of Minnesota Nice.
All: Yeah!
I'll bring my torch because it's dark out, and I don't want him to be scared.
All: Yeah!
And I'm gonna introduce him to America's favorite pastime!
All: Yeah!
I'm just gonna bale some hay
'cause it sounds like you guys got this thing covered!
All: Yeah!
Yay! The mayor did it again!
- Hey, little guy. - Kruung. He betrayed me.
Oh, I'm sorry, but not sorry,
things didn't work out with you and Kruung.
- Can I have some of your beer? - Hey!
Oh my god, no!
It's an angry mob! They're definitely here to kill you!
Well, isn't this great?
I'm gonna die in a tree with a weird little boy.
I'm a weird little girl, remember?
Wait a minute, you're the same kid from before?
Howdy, friend. Now, just take my ha...
You'll never kill my godlord! [screaming]
Long live Golan! [tires squealing]
[screaming]
- Well, it seems the town... Ugh. - Grandpa!
Hey, there you go! Go, go, go! That's the stuff.
Uh-oh.
Where's the stupid stop button on this thing?
[crowd gasps] Aaah!
Come on, where is it? Where is it?
Heeelp!
- Awesome! - Not awesome.
You almost got yourself killed, you idiot!
You're the worst acolyte I've ever had.
But I risked my life for...
Wait, you just called me your acolyte?
[gasps] I'm your acolyte! Yes!
Mortals of Oak Grove,
present your groins and prepare for your bloody demise!
Mayor: Okay, sure! Just glad you're okay.
And once we take over Oak Grove,
all of Minnesota will surely fall next!
And then we'll go back to Gkruool and reclaim my throne!
Hey, where does your mom stand on drum kits?
Should I give it a couple of days or bring one in right away?
You know, set a precedent.
How is your little slumber party going? Oops.
I am so gonna have sex with your mom.
Ya know, I'm thinking we can get a lot more light in here.
[roars] Hey! Get out of here, Dad!
Alexis, you goofball.
You just called your mom's new boyfriend "Dad".
Whoa! Your sister is dating the nunchuck delivery guy?!
♪ Duh-da-da-da-da-duh. ♪
Carole: She doesn't have a father.
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~