1 00:00:03,762 --> 00:00:05,042 Thanks for driving, Hayley. 2 00:00:05,282 --> 00:00:06,698 I really need both hands free 3 00:00:06,733 --> 00:00:08,733 to make the float inside my mouth. 4 00:00:12,372 --> 00:00:15,240 What your father's doing is called molecular gastronomy. 5 00:00:15,292 --> 00:00:18,893 The swishing releases the carbon dioxide from the soda. 6 00:00:18,929 --> 00:00:22,330 He's enjoying his dessert on a chemical level! 7 00:00:22,332 --> 00:00:23,831 Klaus, I don't care about that. 8 00:00:25,418 --> 00:00:26,668 Hayley, get off your calculator 9 00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:28,503 and learn something about flavor, please. 10 00:00:28,505 --> 00:00:30,388 It's important. Um, no. 11 00:00:30,423 --> 00:00:32,557 - And this isn't a calculator, okay? - I'm texting. 12 00:00:32,592 --> 00:00:34,509 Texting?! That's even worse! 13 00:00:34,511 --> 00:00:36,427 Here we go about the kids. 14 00:00:36,479 --> 00:00:39,681 You kids today, all shuffling around aimlessly 15 00:00:39,733 --> 00:00:41,766 with your heads buried in your phones. 16 00:00:41,818 --> 00:00:43,818 One day, you're gonna look up and say, 17 00:00:43,853 --> 00:00:45,853 "Wait -- why are the signs all in Chinese? 18 00:00:45,906 --> 00:00:47,939 Oh, it's because I'm in communist China!" 19 00:00:47,991 --> 00:00:49,908 Are you saying I'm gonna walk to China? 20 00:00:49,943 --> 00:00:51,693 I'm saying this becomes China! 21 00:00:51,745 --> 00:00:53,828 Come on, dude. You knew what he meant. 22 00:00:53,863 --> 00:00:55,413 I'm putting my foot down -- 23 00:00:55,448 --> 00:00:57,532 no more texting in the Smith family. 24 00:00:57,584 --> 00:00:58,616 That's it -- done. 25 00:00:58,668 --> 00:01:00,335 That's insane. 26 00:01:00,370 --> 00:01:02,537 Yeah, there's no way Francine lets that fly, Stan. 27 00:01:02,589 --> 00:01:03,871 Okay, then... 28 00:01:03,873 --> 00:01:05,456 I forbid you to text and drive. 29 00:01:05,508 --> 00:01:06,708 Yeah, that's actually smart. 30 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:08,710 And no texting at the dinner table. 31 00:01:08,712 --> 00:01:10,261 And at school. 32 00:01:10,297 --> 00:01:12,463 And...while you're doing your homework. 33 00:01:12,515 --> 00:01:17,385 And...while...you're...playing board games with the family. 34 00:01:17,437 --> 00:01:21,356 And...at church and the movies and funerals and weddings -- 35 00:01:21,391 --> 00:01:22,671 Ohhh, they're coming to me now -- 36 00:01:22,692 --> 00:01:24,025 and charity events and work functions 37 00:01:24,060 --> 00:01:25,610 and during the national anthem 38 00:01:25,645 --> 00:01:27,478 and the "In Memoriam" part of the Oscars. 39 00:01:27,530 --> 00:01:29,063 Whew. There. 40 00:01:29,065 --> 00:01:31,065 Just put my foot down hard on texting. 41 00:01:31,067 --> 00:01:32,734 Klaus, read that back to me. 42 00:01:36,606 --> 00:01:38,373 I didn't have a pen. I'm sorry. 43 00:01:38,408 --> 00:01:39,991 Ah, damn it. But I remember them. 44 00:01:40,043 --> 00:01:41,876 I-I remember all of them, I swear. 45 00:01:41,911 --> 00:01:43,544 All right, well, don't forget 46 00:01:43,580 --> 00:01:45,747 and just write it all down when we get home. 47 00:01:45,749 --> 00:01:48,800 Nobody talk to Klaus while he's remembering my list. 48 00:01:49,548 --> 00:01:54,771 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 49 00:01:54,891 --> 00:01:57,392 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 50 00:01:57,427 --> 00:02:01,062 ♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 51 00:02:01,097 --> 00:02:04,399 ♪ the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 52 00:02:04,434 --> 00:02:08,603 ♪ and he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪ 53 00:02:10,573 --> 00:02:13,858 ♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ 54 00:02:13,910 --> 00:02:16,444 ♪ good -- ♪ ♪ good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 55 00:02:16,446 --> 00:02:17,495 Aah! 56 00:02:18,999 --> 00:02:22,083 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 57 00:02:26,873 --> 00:02:30,925 Looks like life just hit someone in the gonads. 58 00:02:32,762 --> 00:02:34,595 You know, I-I don't get it, Roger. 59 00:02:34,631 --> 00:02:36,764 I've been acing my practice tests at school, 60 00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:38,466 then flunking the real tests. 61 00:02:38,468 --> 00:02:39,967 Why is this happening to me? 62 00:02:39,969 --> 00:02:42,136 Sounds like you got the "yips." The what? 63 00:02:42,138 --> 00:02:44,105 The yips. You're choking under pressure. 64 00:02:44,140 --> 00:02:46,724 It's the type of thing that can ruin your life, amigo. 65 00:02:46,776 --> 00:02:48,676 Whoa. How can I fix it? 66 00:02:48,712 --> 00:02:50,445 You can't. Oh, my God! 67 00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:51,679 Kidding, bud. 68 00:02:51,715 --> 00:02:53,648 You fix it where you fix everything... 69 00:02:53,683 --> 00:02:54,782 in the swimming pool. 70 00:02:54,818 --> 00:02:56,150 Wait -- h-how is swimming 71 00:02:56,186 --> 00:02:59,053 gonna make me a better test taker? 72 00:02:59,089 --> 00:03:01,823 Not swimming, you tiny Adonis -- diving. 73 00:03:04,627 --> 00:03:05,993 What do you want to see? 74 00:03:06,029 --> 00:03:07,695 I want to see perfection. 75 00:03:07,731 --> 00:03:09,731 That narrows it down. 76 00:03:09,766 --> 00:03:13,167 All right. How about a 2 tuck reverse? 77 00:03:13,203 --> 00:03:15,136 Do it! Do it now! 78 00:03:27,984 --> 00:03:30,017 What's with the sarcastic slow clap? 79 00:03:30,070 --> 00:03:32,687 That was a tight cowboy tuck and clean entry. 80 00:03:32,739 --> 00:03:35,823 Sure, it was tight and clean, and I'm as hard as concrete, 81 00:03:35,859 --> 00:03:37,942 but you did it in your own backyard. 82 00:03:37,994 --> 00:03:40,445 I want to see you do that exact same dive 83 00:03:40,497 --> 00:03:43,498 at the public pool in front of the entire neighborhood. 84 00:03:43,533 --> 00:03:46,417 Ohhh! So this was a practice test. 85 00:03:46,453 --> 00:03:48,753 There's always a method to my madness, Steve. 86 00:03:48,788 --> 00:03:49,837 Now watch this. 87 00:04:00,100 --> 00:04:03,184 I just do the dive. I don't mess with the water. 88 00:04:05,805 --> 00:04:08,556 So, I'm in the checkout line, and I have to swipe my card 89 00:04:08,608 --> 00:04:10,441 a few times before it goes through, 90 00:04:10,477 --> 00:04:13,778 and I hear the guy in line behind me do the whole "ugggh." 91 00:04:13,813 --> 00:04:15,229 Like he's in such a hurry. 92 00:04:15,231 --> 00:04:17,815 Then I see he's buying stove-top popcorn, 93 00:04:17,867 --> 00:04:20,735 and I say, "Sir, if you're that pressed for time, 94 00:04:20,787 --> 00:04:23,504 maybe you should buy the microwave popcorn." 95 00:04:23,540 --> 00:04:26,774 Well, the checkout lady takes her microphone thing 96 00:04:26,810 --> 00:04:30,044 and goes, "Major burn on register 1!" 97 00:04:30,079 --> 00:04:32,747 And she immediately gets fired. 98 00:04:32,782 --> 00:04:35,650 Turns out she had a history of playing with the microphone. 99 00:04:36,653 --> 00:04:38,052 Hello? 100 00:04:38,087 --> 00:04:40,588 Oh, my God. Have I not been talking to anyone? 101 00:04:41,858 --> 00:04:43,558 Stan! I have zero bars! 102 00:04:43,593 --> 00:04:45,176 That's correct. 103 00:04:45,228 --> 00:04:47,829 I'm having the C.I.A. scramble the signal inside our house 104 00:04:47,864 --> 00:04:50,698 until Hayley starts obeying my no-texting times. 105 00:04:50,733 --> 00:04:52,934 I also wrote them in German. 106 00:04:52,986 --> 00:04:55,570 I did the German side in purple 107 00:04:55,605 --> 00:04:58,506 as a little incentive to learn German. 108 00:04:58,541 --> 00:04:59,841 Wish me luck, everybody. 109 00:04:59,876 --> 00:05:01,809 I'm going on my first business trip. 110 00:05:01,845 --> 00:05:03,845 Jeff got a job field-testing products. 111 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:05,046 I work for a company! 112 00:05:05,081 --> 00:05:06,781 Well, I guess if Jeff can figure out 113 00:05:06,816 --> 00:05:08,249 how to use a product, anyone can. 114 00:05:08,284 --> 00:05:09,584 Thanks, Mr. S. 115 00:05:09,619 --> 00:05:11,886 One day, I will insult you 116 00:05:11,921 --> 00:05:13,154 in a way you can understand. 117 00:05:13,189 --> 00:05:13,914 Okay! 118 00:05:14,034 --> 00:05:15,837 Enjoy that job until your first drug test. 119 00:05:15,957 --> 00:05:17,735 Oh, it's cool, Mr. S 120 00:05:17,855 --> 00:05:20,995 I know everything about drugs. 121 00:05:26,098 --> 00:05:27,197 I mean, is it me, 122 00:05:27,233 --> 00:05:28,522 or are kids just getting dumber? 123 00:05:28,642 --> 00:05:30,699 Oh, they're dumb as shit now, Stan. 124 00:05:30,819 --> 00:05:32,168 I swear, it's all the texting. 125 00:05:32,422 --> 00:05:34,506 I don't know. I use texting all the time. 126 00:05:34,558 --> 00:05:37,425 Yeah, it's a great way to cut to the heart of a conversation 127 00:05:37,477 --> 00:05:38,927 without all the chitchat. 128 00:05:38,962 --> 00:05:41,463 Texting just doesn't jibe with my sense of humor. 129 00:05:41,498 --> 00:05:44,799 I have a really dry wit -- like bone-dry. 130 00:05:44,835 --> 00:05:47,602 It's all about nuance with me -- deadly timing. 131 00:05:47,638 --> 00:05:49,404 You can't get that in a text. 132 00:05:49,439 --> 00:05:52,040 Actually, emoticons are a great way to get those subtleties. 133 00:05:52,075 --> 00:05:53,108 Here, I'll show you. 134 00:05:53,143 --> 00:05:55,577 Stephanie's my mistress. 135 00:05:55,612 --> 00:05:57,012 Ah. A winky face. 136 00:05:57,047 --> 00:05:58,580 I guess that could be helpful 137 00:05:58,615 --> 00:06:00,582 if I'm saying something tongue-in-cheek. 138 00:06:00,617 --> 00:06:03,685 Absolutely. And emojis even go a step further. 139 00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:05,554 Look at that little face! 140 00:06:05,589 --> 00:06:07,889 It's like he's saying, "Um, check, please." 141 00:06:07,925 --> 00:06:09,524 That's one of my go-tos! 142 00:06:19,136 --> 00:06:21,720 Oh, my God! That's texting? 143 00:06:21,772 --> 00:06:23,972 That was real, you guys. 144 00:06:38,121 --> 00:06:41,039 ♪ I know my P.O.V. is A.F.K. ♪ 145 00:06:41,074 --> 00:06:45,994 ♪ My energy is M.I.A. and never coming back ♪ 146 00:06:45,996 --> 00:06:49,531 ♪ and FYI, the 411 on the F.A.Q. list ♪ 147 00:06:49,566 --> 00:06:50,799 ♪ anyone will tell you ♪ 148 00:06:52,002 --> 00:06:55,003 ♪ It's a lot like doin' crack ♪ 149 00:06:55,005 --> 00:06:59,741 ♪ W-T-F-I ♪ 150 00:06:59,776 --> 00:07:03,595 ♪ rolling on the floor laughing, L.M.A.O. interaction ♪ 151 00:07:03,647 --> 00:07:07,649 ♪ wait for another reply ♪ 152 00:07:07,684 --> 00:07:09,768 ♪ A.S.A.P. O.M.G. ♪ 153 00:07:09,820 --> 00:07:11,770 ♪ Are you gonna T.X.T. me back tonight? ♪ 154 00:07:15,492 --> 00:07:17,012 I noticed the phone service is back on. 155 00:07:18,779 --> 00:07:19,861 Huh? Oh, yeah. 156 00:07:19,913 --> 00:07:21,446 But don't think for a second 157 00:07:21,498 --> 00:07:23,531 that means you can break my texting rules. 158 00:07:23,533 --> 00:07:25,033 I'm watching you like a hawk. 159 00:07:25,085 --> 00:07:27,535 Really? How many fingers am I holding up? 160 00:07:27,587 --> 00:07:29,838 You're holding up one finger, and it's the middle one. 161 00:07:29,873 --> 00:07:32,207 Damn. That would have been better. 162 00:07:32,209 --> 00:07:33,591 Hold on a minute, Stan. 163 00:07:33,627 --> 00:07:34,926 If you're texting now, 164 00:07:34,962 --> 00:07:37,045 why are you still all over Hayley about it? 165 00:07:37,047 --> 00:07:38,713 Because, Klaus, 166 00:07:38,715 --> 00:07:40,932 when a parent makes a rule, they have to enforce it, 167 00:07:40,968 --> 00:07:42,851 no matter how stupid they realize it is. 168 00:07:42,886 --> 00:07:45,186 Otherwise, their kids won't listen to anything they say. 169 00:07:45,222 --> 00:07:46,921 So... you're a hypocrite? 170 00:07:46,957 --> 00:07:48,823 Name-calling, huh, Klaus? 171 00:07:48,859 --> 00:07:52,227 Well, I guess I'm not texting you my joke of the day anymore. 172 00:07:52,262 --> 00:07:54,496 Aw, come on! Don't be like that! 173 00:07:54,531 --> 00:07:55,697 I will. 174 00:07:55,732 --> 00:07:57,132 I will be like that. 175 00:08:11,581 --> 00:08:13,648 Better. 176 00:08:15,886 --> 00:08:18,553 Oh, this is just too good. 177 00:08:21,141 --> 00:08:22,474 Don't smile. 178 00:08:25,095 --> 00:08:29,764 Jeff, prepare to understand your first insult. 179 00:08:29,766 --> 00:08:31,232 And send! 180 00:08:31,268 --> 00:08:32,100 Ooh! 181 00:08:33,186 --> 00:08:35,603 Aaaaaaaaaah! 182 00:08:38,191 --> 00:08:39,808 Oh, look -- there's a Klaus. 183 00:08:51,414 --> 00:08:52,597 Dad, are you okay?! 184 00:08:52,649 --> 00:08:54,812 Oh, God, Stan! How did this happen? 185 00:08:54,932 --> 00:08:56,951 Well...I was just driving all normal. 186 00:08:56,986 --> 00:08:58,266 I remember I had just said to myself, 187 00:08:58,386 --> 00:09:00,553 "Wow. Everything's super-normal right now." 188 00:09:00,789 --> 00:09:02,989 It was weird that it was so normal. 189 00:09:02,991 --> 00:09:04,958 And...you want more. 190 00:09:04,993 --> 00:09:07,210 And so I...had... 191 00:09:07,246 --> 00:09:08,328 a seizure. 192 00:09:08,330 --> 00:09:09,830 A seizure?! 193 00:09:09,832 --> 00:09:11,898 You've never had seizures before! 194 00:09:11,934 --> 00:09:14,701 I'm gonna bring in our seizure expert to run some tests, 195 00:09:14,736 --> 00:09:16,336 make sure that's what it was. 196 00:09:16,371 --> 00:09:17,754 You paged me? 197 00:09:17,806 --> 00:09:18,972 This man claims he had a seizure. 198 00:09:19,007 --> 00:09:20,807 We just need your expert opinion. 199 00:09:20,843 --> 00:09:21,942 My pleasure. 200 00:09:21,977 --> 00:09:23,310 So, when the episode happened, 201 00:09:23,345 --> 00:09:24,711 were you shaking all over? 202 00:09:24,746 --> 00:09:26,930 Yes. This man had a seizure. 203 00:09:26,982 --> 00:09:29,316 Okay, Stan, I want you on bed rest. 204 00:09:29,351 --> 00:09:30,934 I'm also prescribing 205 00:09:30,986 --> 00:09:32,903 some pretty aggressive antiseizure medication. 206 00:09:32,938 --> 00:09:35,071 Now, there are a number of side effects -- 207 00:09:35,107 --> 00:09:37,274 I don't care if he can't get erections. 208 00:09:37,326 --> 00:09:39,659 That's...not one of the side effects. 209 00:09:39,695 --> 00:09:42,362 Well, maybe it should be. I could use a break. 210 00:09:42,397 --> 00:09:44,664 I'm just getting railed. 211 00:09:48,170 --> 00:09:49,753 Okay, I got you a day pass. 212 00:09:49,788 --> 00:09:51,922 It was 20 bucks, so we're stealing towels. 213 00:09:51,957 --> 00:09:53,673 We're also stealing chlorine, 214 00:09:53,709 --> 00:09:56,042 but that was already gonna happen. 215 00:09:56,094 --> 00:10:00,847 Ah, the public pool -- society's unflushed toilet. 216 00:10:03,385 --> 00:10:06,052 If you can perform the same dive you did for me 217 00:10:06,104 --> 00:10:09,055 in front of these savages, you've got nerves of steel. 218 00:10:09,091 --> 00:10:11,224 Bye-bye, performance anxiety. 219 00:10:12,861 --> 00:10:14,227 Not so fast, hotshot. 220 00:10:14,229 --> 00:10:15,946 You have to wear these. 221 00:10:16,743 --> 00:10:20,066 Only two types of people wear speedos to the public pool -- 222 00:10:20,118 --> 00:10:22,302 great athletes and perverts. 223 00:10:22,337 --> 00:10:24,204 Which one are you? 224 00:10:26,875 --> 00:10:28,141 "Seizure," my ass. 225 00:10:28,176 --> 00:10:29,743 Beg pardon? 226 00:10:29,778 --> 00:10:31,778 You didn't have a seizure when you crashed. 227 00:10:31,813 --> 00:10:33,313 You were probably texting someone 228 00:10:33,348 --> 00:10:35,148 a picture of your balls or something. 229 00:10:35,183 --> 00:10:36,883 Dude, ball shots are played out. 230 00:10:36,919 --> 00:10:39,119 It's all about making your elbow look like a butt right now. 231 00:10:40,289 --> 00:10:42,122 Whoa! Whose butt is that? 232 00:10:43,292 --> 00:10:45,358 Oh, I'm so glad you're okay. 233 00:10:45,394 --> 00:10:46,793 You know, your accident 234 00:10:46,828 --> 00:10:48,862 really put things into perspective for me. 235 00:10:48,897 --> 00:10:51,998 Driving is already dangerous enough without texting. 236 00:10:52,034 --> 00:10:54,334 I am gonna limit how much I text, dad. 237 00:10:54,369 --> 00:10:57,971 It seems my precious rules are safe for another day, Klaus. 238 00:10:59,441 --> 00:11:01,374 And now it's your turn to obey me. 239 00:11:01,410 --> 00:11:03,109 You have to take these meds. 240 00:11:03,145 --> 00:11:06,012 No more close calls like that. 241 00:11:06,048 --> 00:11:07,831 "Possible side effects include memory loss, 242 00:11:07,866 --> 00:11:09,699 chalky genitals, hallucinations, underbite, 243 00:11:09,751 --> 00:11:11,701 unibrow, swamp palm, Daniel Calf" -- 244 00:11:11,753 --> 00:11:12,869 Daniel Calf? 245 00:11:12,921 --> 00:11:14,704 Klaus, I don't care about that. 246 00:11:14,756 --> 00:11:17,724 The important thing is that we stop these seizures, right, dad? 247 00:11:17,759 --> 00:11:19,726 Absolutely, sweetheart. 248 00:11:21,196 --> 00:11:23,229 Okay, let's forget for a second that you're taking 249 00:11:23,265 --> 00:11:25,231 some insane medication that you don't need. 250 00:11:25,267 --> 00:11:26,366 Already forgotten. 251 00:11:26,401 --> 00:11:28,201 You could have used the accident 252 00:11:28,236 --> 00:11:31,771 to prove your point to Hayley that texting and driving is bad. 253 00:11:33,408 --> 00:11:35,942 And what happens when she finds out you've been texting? 254 00:11:35,978 --> 00:11:38,728 Not gonna happen, because I am done with all that. 255 00:11:38,780 --> 00:11:41,031 Just let me send this last one. 256 00:11:41,066 --> 00:11:42,349 Send. 257 00:11:42,384 --> 00:11:44,217 Ah! Damn autocorrect. 258 00:11:44,252 --> 00:11:47,787 It changed "Doc gave me meds" to "Dog gave me AIDS." 259 00:11:47,823 --> 00:11:50,056 Let me juuuust...send. 260 00:11:51,126 --> 00:11:53,126 Damn it! "Dong gave me AIDS." 261 00:11:53,161 --> 00:11:55,161 Let me juuuust... 262 00:11:55,197 --> 00:11:58,732 It appears vaudeville is alive and well in cyberspace. 263 00:12:00,769 --> 00:12:03,003 My penis feels weird in this, Roger -- 264 00:12:03,005 --> 00:12:04,738 like everyone can see it. 265 00:12:04,773 --> 00:12:06,206 They can. 266 00:12:06,241 --> 00:12:08,475 Shape and size are coming through with perfect clarity. 267 00:12:08,510 --> 00:12:10,510 But don't get psyched out -- just nail the dive 268 00:12:10,545 --> 00:12:12,812 and show these jerks you've got ice in your veins. 269 00:12:12,848 --> 00:12:14,214 Okay. 270 00:12:14,249 --> 00:12:16,816 A-and who knows? Maybe they won't even notice me. 271 00:12:16,852 --> 00:12:18,418 Everybody, look at this dipshit! 272 00:12:18,453 --> 00:12:19,886 What's the matter, kid? 273 00:12:19,921 --> 00:12:21,788 Didn't want to pay for the whole tan? 274 00:12:24,426 --> 00:12:26,526 God, that's good stuff. 275 00:12:26,528 --> 00:12:28,194 Shake it off, iceman! 276 00:12:29,998 --> 00:12:31,948 Well. What do we have here? 277 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:34,250 An athlete or a pervert? 278 00:12:34,286 --> 00:12:37,370 Ignore me. I'm just a divorced dad with weekend visitation. 279 00:12:37,422 --> 00:12:40,040 Gregory! What are you doing over there by the jets?! 280 00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:42,792 I don't care if it fits! You pull it out of that jet! 281 00:12:42,844 --> 00:12:43,877 Gregory! 282 00:12:49,518 --> 00:12:50,550 Swamp palm. 283 00:12:50,552 --> 00:12:52,085 Damn medication. 284 00:12:53,455 --> 00:12:55,121 I'm back from my trip, Mr. S. 285 00:12:55,157 --> 00:12:57,123 Whoa! Sick unibrow, bro. 286 00:12:57,159 --> 00:12:59,059 The hair is just a little side effect 287 00:12:59,094 --> 00:13:00,460 of the seizure medication. 288 00:13:00,495 --> 00:13:02,595 Which reminds me... 289 00:13:04,132 --> 00:13:05,432 Wow. Empty already. 290 00:13:05,467 --> 00:13:07,033 All right! I'm cured! 291 00:13:07,069 --> 00:13:09,469 That's not how it works, goofball. 292 00:13:09,504 --> 00:13:10,937 You need a refill. 293 00:13:10,972 --> 00:13:12,272 Oh, I'll drive him! 294 00:13:12,307 --> 00:13:14,374 I don't know why I said I'd drive. 295 00:13:14,409 --> 00:13:16,960 I drove over 40 miles on my business trip, 296 00:13:16,995 --> 00:13:19,913 and that's gonna be it for me for a while. 297 00:13:19,965 --> 00:13:23,216 By the way, I didn't really understand your text. 298 00:13:23,251 --> 00:13:25,819 'Cause that person's not my mom. 299 00:13:25,854 --> 00:13:27,003 That went through? 300 00:13:27,055 --> 00:13:28,388 Even with the crash? 301 00:13:28,423 --> 00:13:31,257 Wait -- Mr. S., were you texting and driving? 302 00:13:31,259 --> 00:13:33,426 What? No! Why would you say that? 303 00:13:33,428 --> 00:13:36,179 Because you sent me this video right after. 304 00:13:37,349 --> 00:13:39,933 Oh, look -- these's a Klaus. 305 00:13:39,935 --> 00:13:41,401 Save me, texting! 306 00:13:41,436 --> 00:13:44,270 Okay, fine. I was. But you can't tell Hayley. 307 00:13:44,272 --> 00:13:45,989 If she finds out I was texting, 308 00:13:46,024 --> 00:13:47,524 she'll never listen to me again. 309 00:13:47,576 --> 00:13:50,326 I can't just turn a blind eye to this, Mr. S. 310 00:13:50,362 --> 00:13:52,278 I'm a field tester now. 311 00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:55,915 Oh, yeah? Well, you're about to get a straight-up butt pic. 312 00:13:57,002 --> 00:13:59,035 Hmm. I can do better. 313 00:14:01,923 --> 00:14:02,956 Ooh! 314 00:14:20,942 --> 00:14:22,976 Somebody! Help my friend! 315 00:14:22,978 --> 00:14:26,146 Shouldn't you help him?! You're right there! 316 00:14:26,198 --> 00:14:27,447 Yes, but I'm angry at him 317 00:14:27,482 --> 00:14:29,399 because he was texting and driving! 318 00:14:29,451 --> 00:14:31,618 Come down! You'll see! It's very obvious! 319 00:14:31,653 --> 00:14:33,987 This, I got to seeeeeee! 320 00:14:40,290 --> 00:14:41,823 He was texting and driving. 321 00:14:41,858 --> 00:14:43,391 It's a cautionary tale. 322 00:14:43,426 --> 00:14:45,259 I hate to say "I told you so," but... 323 00:14:46,705 --> 00:14:49,055 You were right, dad. You were right. 324 00:14:49,091 --> 00:14:50,190 There, there. 325 00:14:50,225 --> 00:14:51,357 I told you so. 326 00:14:51,393 --> 00:14:52,692 There, there. 327 00:14:52,728 --> 00:14:54,127 Well, the good news is, 328 00:14:54,129 --> 00:14:57,697 Jeff has a 60% chance of pulling out of this coma. 329 00:14:57,733 --> 00:15:01,401 The bad news is, that's out of, like, 800%. 330 00:15:01,436 --> 00:15:04,037 We'll call if there's any change in Jeff's condition. 331 00:15:04,072 --> 00:15:06,022 Oh, no. No, I am not leaving his side. 332 00:15:06,058 --> 00:15:09,175 Me neither. I'm staying right here, day and night. 333 00:15:09,211 --> 00:15:12,112 We shooould probably get some magazines, though. 334 00:15:12,147 --> 00:15:16,316 Oh, yeah. And I need, need, neeeeeeed a hot dog. 335 00:15:19,054 --> 00:15:21,187 As for you, a traumatic event like this 336 00:15:21,223 --> 00:15:23,156 can increase the risk of seizures. 337 00:15:23,191 --> 00:15:25,759 I'm gonna up your medication as a precaution. 338 00:15:25,794 --> 00:15:27,360 Oh... that's not necessary. 339 00:15:30,532 --> 00:15:33,233 Well, you're all set. 340 00:15:33,268 --> 00:15:35,001 Looks like I'm in the clear. 341 00:15:35,036 --> 00:15:36,770 They bought the whole thing. 342 00:15:36,805 --> 00:15:38,772 What if Jeff comes out of that coma? 343 00:15:38,807 --> 00:15:39,756 Who said that? 344 00:15:39,808 --> 00:15:41,841 Down here, bro. 345 00:15:41,843 --> 00:15:42,926 Hey, buddy. 346 00:15:42,978 --> 00:15:44,177 Who are you?! 347 00:15:44,179 --> 00:15:46,179 I'm Daniel Calf. I'm a side effect. 348 00:15:46,231 --> 00:15:48,231 Oh. Right. Of course. Uh, please excuse me. 349 00:15:48,266 --> 00:15:50,016 Today has been absolutely nuts. 350 00:15:50,018 --> 00:15:51,851 Please. I get it. 351 00:15:51,903 --> 00:15:54,187 So, listen, if Jeff comes out of that coma, 352 00:15:54,239 --> 00:15:55,522 he's gonna tell everybody 353 00:15:55,557 --> 00:15:58,024 that you were the one texting and driving. 354 00:15:58,059 --> 00:15:59,359 He could ruin everything. 355 00:15:59,394 --> 00:16:00,493 What do I do about that? 356 00:16:00,529 --> 00:16:01,961 You got to kill him, chief. 357 00:16:01,997 --> 00:16:03,062 Okay. 358 00:16:05,500 --> 00:16:08,168 Wait -- he can't prove I was texting and driving. 359 00:16:08,203 --> 00:16:10,303 His phone's at the bottom of a river. 360 00:16:10,338 --> 00:16:12,539 Plus, Hayley will obviously believe me. 361 00:16:12,541 --> 00:16:15,241 She's eating out of the swampy palm of my hand. 362 00:16:15,277 --> 00:16:16,776 What about the mainframe? 363 00:16:16,812 --> 00:16:17,844 The main-what-now? 364 00:16:17,879 --> 00:16:19,078 The mainframe. 365 00:16:19,114 --> 00:16:20,380 It's where your cellphone provider 366 00:16:20,415 --> 00:16:22,282 keeps all the texts you've ever sent. 367 00:16:22,317 --> 00:16:24,117 As long as that mainframe exists, 368 00:16:24,152 --> 00:16:25,919 someone could find out the truth. 369 00:16:25,954 --> 00:16:27,120 So, what do I have to do? 370 00:16:27,155 --> 00:16:28,888 My head's a bit fuzzy from the shot. 371 00:16:28,924 --> 00:16:31,357 Look, there's only two words you need to remember -- 372 00:16:31,393 --> 00:16:33,326 "Destroy mainframe." 373 00:16:33,361 --> 00:16:34,527 No problem. 374 00:16:34,563 --> 00:16:35,862 Destroy... 375 00:16:35,897 --> 00:16:37,430 man! 376 00:16:37,465 --> 00:16:39,065 Ohh! Almost! 377 00:16:39,100 --> 00:16:40,500 Just channel all the energy 378 00:16:40,535 --> 00:16:42,502 you normally use to walk and talk 379 00:16:42,537 --> 00:16:44,571 and focus it on these two words -- 380 00:16:44,606 --> 00:16:46,573 "Destroy mainframe." 381 00:16:46,608 --> 00:16:49,342 Destroy mainframe! 382 00:16:49,377 --> 00:16:50,844 That's it! 383 00:16:50,879 --> 00:16:53,279 Now let go of your motor skills! Really focus! 384 00:16:53,315 --> 00:16:54,881 Yaaaaaaah! 385 00:16:54,916 --> 00:16:57,450 Yeah! You're doing it! 386 00:16:57,485 --> 00:17:00,053 Do it! Do it! What's your problem?! 387 00:17:02,490 --> 00:17:04,157 You've been up there forever! 388 00:17:04,192 --> 00:17:05,358 Dive, you freak! 389 00:17:05,393 --> 00:17:06,426 Show us your balls! 390 00:17:06,478 --> 00:17:07,927 What he said! 391 00:17:07,929 --> 00:17:09,229 I can get behind that. 392 00:17:09,264 --> 00:17:11,898 You've nailed this dive a million times. 393 00:17:11,933 --> 00:17:14,100 And here comes a million and one. 394 00:17:14,135 --> 00:17:16,019 Goodbye, yips. 395 00:17:20,108 --> 00:17:20,940 Aah! 396 00:17:20,942 --> 00:17:22,442 Aah! Aah! Aah! 397 00:17:29,317 --> 00:17:32,886 He's okay! The pervert is okay! 398 00:17:37,125 --> 00:17:40,460 Destroy mainframe! 399 00:17:40,462 --> 00:17:42,595 Mainframe! 400 00:17:42,631 --> 00:17:45,198 Sir, the mainframe's not actually in the store. 401 00:17:45,233 --> 00:17:47,000 We don't even have a bathroom. 402 00:17:47,035 --> 00:17:49,235 She's lying. She works for the mainframe. 403 00:17:49,271 --> 00:17:51,304 Mainframe! 404 00:17:59,648 --> 00:18:01,581 Mainframe! 405 00:18:06,488 --> 00:18:08,371 Ah. You found our push-to-talk phone. 406 00:18:08,406 --> 00:18:10,373 Cellular range, walkie-talkie convenience. 407 00:18:10,408 --> 00:18:12,158 Yaaaaaaaaaahhh! 408 00:18:15,413 --> 00:18:17,330 Mainframe? Dad, Jeff's awake! 409 00:18:17,332 --> 00:18:19,198 Wha? He's out of his coma. 410 00:18:19,234 --> 00:18:20,967 Noooooooooo! 411 00:18:26,675 --> 00:18:29,592 You should've killed him before -- when I told you. 412 00:18:29,644 --> 00:18:32,428 Just met you then. No developed trust yet. 413 00:18:39,571 --> 00:18:41,521 Hayley! I'm -- I'm -- 414 00:18:41,523 --> 00:18:43,573 I'm so -- I'm so sorry! 415 00:18:43,608 --> 00:18:45,491 Oh, God! What have I done?! 416 00:18:47,112 --> 00:18:50,280 Her organs are being held inside her body by the car. 417 00:18:50,332 --> 00:18:52,498 When the car moves, she'll lose them. 418 00:18:52,534 --> 00:18:55,309 That means she's only got 17 months to live. 419 00:18:55,546 --> 00:18:56,870 'Cause that's when my lease is up. 420 00:18:56,990 --> 00:18:59,639 Hayley, this is all my fault! 421 00:18:59,674 --> 00:19:03,409 I was the one who was texting and driving, not Jeff. 422 00:19:03,445 --> 00:19:06,045 I thought admitting that to you was bad parenting, 423 00:19:06,081 --> 00:19:09,015 but this -- this is slightly worse parenting. 424 00:19:11,603 --> 00:19:13,186 What's going on? 425 00:19:13,221 --> 00:19:14,387 Hallucinations. 426 00:19:14,389 --> 00:19:16,222 That's a common side effect of the meds. 427 00:19:16,274 --> 00:19:17,523 I'll pull him out of it. 428 00:19:17,559 --> 00:19:19,609 Wait. Let's leave it for a while. 429 00:19:26,284 --> 00:19:28,151 Thanks for trying to help me, Roger. 430 00:19:28,203 --> 00:19:31,204 I guess there's nothing we can do about my performance anxiety. 431 00:19:31,239 --> 00:19:33,539 Wait -- did you learn nothing from that whole experience? 432 00:19:33,575 --> 00:19:35,508 Yeah -- I crack under pressure. 433 00:19:35,543 --> 00:19:37,977 Buddy, you just missed the whole point of my lesson. 434 00:19:38,013 --> 00:19:39,145 There is no pressure. 435 00:19:39,180 --> 00:19:40,279 Huh? 436 00:19:40,315 --> 00:19:41,681 Those jerks at the swim club 437 00:19:41,716 --> 00:19:43,037 can make fun of you all they want, 438 00:19:43,051 --> 00:19:44,550 but at the end of the day, 439 00:19:44,586 --> 00:19:47,220 you get to come back here to your house with a pool, 440 00:19:47,255 --> 00:19:48,254 and they don't. 441 00:19:48,289 --> 00:19:49,655 Ohhhh. 442 00:19:49,691 --> 00:19:51,824 None of those idiots have their own pool. 443 00:19:51,944 --> 00:19:54,105 You think if they did, they'd go to a place like that? 444 00:19:54,180 --> 00:19:55,346 Why would they? 445 00:19:55,466 --> 00:19:56,619 That place sucks. 446 00:19:56,672 --> 00:19:59,189 And you think that if you flunk some Biology test at school, 447 00:19:59,309 --> 00:20:01,382 they're gonna take your pool away from you? 448 00:20:01,502 --> 00:20:03,716 No, I guess they won't. 449 00:20:03,836 --> 00:20:07,666 No way. You can flunk every test forever and you still get to come back here. 450 00:20:07,786 --> 00:20:10,437 - To a house with a pool. - Oh my God. 451 00:20:10,557 --> 00:20:13,308 - I have a pool. - There you go. 452 00:20:13,428 --> 00:20:16,355 - I have a pool. - We got a pool, baby. 453 00:20:16,475 --> 00:20:18,093 Yeah! 454 00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:27,266 I take solace in the fact that her life was not lived in vain. 455 00:20:27,386 --> 00:20:33,630 I, Stan Smith, solemnly vow to carry myself as she did. 456 00:20:33,750 --> 00:20:37,777 With integrity, dignity and grace. 457 00:20:40,191 --> 00:20:41,582 Can I bring him out of it now? 458 00:20:41,702 --> 00:20:43,663 Just a little bit longer. 459 00:20:44,688 --> 00:20:47,224 Looks like you got a fruit cake in the deli department. 460 00:20:48,370 --> 00:20:50,761 We got a major burn at register 8. 461 00:20:50,881 --> 00:20:53,053 Sydney, you don't work here anymore. 462 00:20:53,173 --> 00:20:54,736 I'm a customer now, Tom. 463 00:20:54,856 --> 00:20:56,931 Sydney ain't going nowhere. 464 00:20:57,051 --> 00:21:04,683 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com