1 00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:13,312 Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com. 2 00:01:14,725 --> 00:01:17,560 If I get the maple bacon, that's kinda Paleo, right? 3 00:01:17,561 --> 00:01:19,854 Only if you killed it yourself with a crossbow. 4 00:01:19,855 --> 00:01:22,106 You should try the red velvet. It's new. 5 00:01:22,107 --> 00:01:23,190 Oh, jeez. 6 00:01:23,191 --> 00:01:24,609 Do I look like an idiot to you? 7 00:01:24,610 --> 00:01:26,110 No. 8 00:01:26,111 --> 00:01:28,112 You think you can squeeze an extra dollar out of me 9 00:01:28,113 --> 00:01:30,782 because it's, like, "Ooh, trendy, it looks like its bleeding"? 10 00:01:30,783 --> 00:01:32,825 No, in your heart of hearts, you know as well as I do, 11 00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:34,952 red velvet is bullshit. 12 00:01:34,953 --> 00:01:37,539 It tastes like Play-Doh. It is not velvety. 13 00:01:37,540 --> 00:01:40,292 And the only thing that's good about it is the cream cheese frosting 14 00:01:40,293 --> 00:01:42,960 which is meant to live on top of carrot cake, like God intended. 15 00:01:42,961 --> 00:01:45,963 Okay, panda. We hear you. 16 00:01:45,964 --> 00:01:48,800 Red velvet isn't a thing. 17 00:01:48,801 --> 00:01:50,978 Red velvet can go to hell. 18 00:01:53,096 --> 00:01:56,775 You give me two Long Johns and a jelly. 19 00:02:03,941 --> 00:02:06,859 Well, I'll be fucked. 20 00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:08,027 What happened? 21 00:02:08,028 --> 00:02:09,788 Mind your own beeswax, Donuts. 22 00:02:13,158 --> 00:02:14,877 Oh, you kidding me? 23 00:02:15,411 --> 00:02:19,590 If I was a lesser person, I would say, "I told you so." 24 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:31,926 All right, here we are. 25 00:02:31,927 --> 00:02:34,971 Welcome to Litchfield, two-point-nothing. 26 00:02:34,972 --> 00:02:37,890 So recently, we did go from, uh, public to private, 27 00:02:37,891 --> 00:02:39,892 which is quite a relief. 28 00:02:39,893 --> 00:02:44,564 God bless free market America of the United States. 29 00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:45,690 "Free market"? 30 00:02:45,691 --> 00:02:48,693 Yeah, I worked the night shift at Sam's Club a while back 31 00:02:48,694 --> 00:02:49,986 and they used to lock us in. 32 00:02:49,987 --> 00:02:52,364 Well, it was probably for your own protection. 33 00:02:52,365 --> 00:02:53,823 Yeah, it didn't feel like that. 34 00:02:53,824 --> 00:02:56,242 Well, look... you kidding me? 35 00:02:56,243 --> 00:03:01,623 The government socialists are clearly so far up your butt crack about equality, 36 00:03:01,624 --> 00:03:06,469 when, in code, it's all about just giving the darker people free shit. 37 00:03:07,212 --> 00:03:11,298 It's all about private corporation because they really look after us. 38 00:03:11,299 --> 00:03:13,050 And you get religious freedom. 39 00:03:13,051 --> 00:03:16,804 - Yeah, I'm not that religious. - No? Well, that's too bad. 40 00:03:16,805 --> 00:03:19,932 'Cause if you were a Christian, you could tell everybody what to do, 41 00:03:19,933 --> 00:03:22,059 and then they do it so they don't hurt your feelings, 42 00:03:22,060 --> 00:03:23,770 because that's against the law. 43 00:03:23,771 --> 00:03:25,104 Come on. 44 00:03:25,105 --> 00:03:28,149 Okay, so this right here is Mr. Healy's office. 45 00:03:28,150 --> 00:03:29,567 He's one of the counselors. 46 00:03:29,568 --> 00:03:32,069 Now, some of the girls, they like the black one better, okay? 47 00:03:32,070 --> 00:03:33,237 But, listen... 48 00:03:33,238 --> 00:03:36,491 He brings snacks sometimes and he's kind of a silver fox. 49 00:03:36,492 --> 00:03:39,411 Down here, we've got visitation. Down here, okay? 50 00:03:39,412 --> 00:03:41,287 Your family is allowed to come and see you, 51 00:03:41,288 --> 00:03:44,049 but if they never do... 52 00:03:44,750 --> 00:03:48,085 that's probably just 'cause they're too busy. 53 00:03:48,086 --> 00:03:51,297 But they still care about you. For sure. 54 00:03:51,298 --> 00:03:52,924 For sure. 55 00:03:52,925 --> 00:03:55,468 This place is amazing. 56 00:03:55,469 --> 00:03:57,637 All right, this is still prison and all, right? 57 00:03:57,638 --> 00:03:59,514 There's no need to jump off the deep end. 58 00:03:59,515 --> 00:04:02,642 We got off the van, like, five minutes ago, 59 00:04:02,643 --> 00:04:04,226 and I haven't heard anybody screaming. 60 00:04:04,227 --> 00:04:05,770 And the walls are so clean. 61 00:04:05,771 --> 00:04:08,398 Yeah, and we just got new mattresses, too. 62 00:04:08,399 --> 00:04:10,983 Yes. This here is Chang. 63 00:04:10,984 --> 00:04:12,193 Chang! 64 00:04:12,194 --> 00:04:15,488 So, she works in the commissary. She don't talk much. 65 00:04:15,489 --> 00:04:17,114 Ching Chong Chang! 66 00:04:17,115 --> 00:04:19,366 Fuck you, cracker. 67 00:04:19,367 --> 00:04:21,453 She loves when I do that. 68 00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:28,710 How's life in the panty mill? 69 00:04:28,711 --> 00:04:31,838 Uh, yesterday, we learned everything about sewing, 70 00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:34,549 including how to serge with a rolled hem 71 00:04:34,550 --> 00:04:37,927 and use a zigzag stitch. 72 00:04:37,928 --> 00:04:41,815 I don't really know what any of it means, so today's gonna be awesome. 73 00:04:45,769 --> 00:04:48,020 What... 74 00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:49,522 How's grounds crew treating you? 75 00:04:49,523 --> 00:04:52,066 The instructions are pretty clear. 76 00:04:52,067 --> 00:04:55,319 Dig. Rake. Schlep. 77 00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:56,403 Uh-huh. 78 00:04:56,404 --> 00:04:58,573 It's fine. And it's outside. 79 00:04:58,574 --> 00:05:02,243 Anything is better than being stuck down in that sweaty basement 80 00:05:02,244 --> 00:05:05,005 with the fucking puppets from The Dark Crystal. 81 00:05:06,206 --> 00:05:08,165 I'm thirsty just looking at her. 82 00:05:08,166 --> 00:05:10,835 Well, you should see what she does with pepper. 83 00:05:10,836 --> 00:05:12,336 Hey, lesbians. 84 00:05:12,337 --> 00:05:15,140 My eyes squinty, but ears work fine. 85 00:05:15,591 --> 00:05:17,142 Let's go. 86 00:05:18,051 --> 00:05:19,844 I'm sorry. 87 00:05:19,845 --> 00:05:23,774 - I laugh when I see something super weird. - Alex! Alex! 88 00:05:24,307 --> 00:05:27,069 How did she get a whole box of salt? 89 00:05:29,522 --> 00:05:31,438 He should be here any minute now. 90 00:05:31,439 --> 00:05:32,690 Is he bringing his checkbook? 91 00:05:32,691 --> 00:05:36,736 Between her plane ticket and bus fare to Beijing, I'm in for almost a grand. 92 00:05:36,737 --> 00:05:39,363 Flight reimbursement is included in the deal. 93 00:05:39,364 --> 00:05:42,033 What if I don't like him? 94 00:05:42,034 --> 00:05:44,326 Then you can go back to Hebei Province and grow potatoes. 95 00:05:48,456 --> 00:05:50,508 Don't say anything stupid. 96 00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:12,564 Is this a joke? 97 00:06:12,565 --> 00:06:14,941 Welcome to our family, Mr. Sun. 98 00:06:14,942 --> 00:06:16,901 My sister and I are so pleased to meet you. 99 00:06:16,902 --> 00:06:19,070 You promised me a beautiful girl. 100 00:06:19,071 --> 00:06:21,113 I never actually said "beautiful." 101 00:06:21,114 --> 00:06:23,490 You said she had "pleasing attributes." 102 00:06:23,491 --> 00:06:25,993 And I'm sure she does. 103 00:06:25,994 --> 00:06:28,663 My sister's a good cook. And very thrifty. 104 00:06:28,664 --> 00:06:30,247 So am I. 105 00:06:30,248 --> 00:06:32,959 And I paid to find a wife, 106 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:36,003 not a squatty peasant who still smells like sheep shit. 107 00:06:36,004 --> 00:06:38,806 Call me when you want to get serious. 108 00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:42,060 We had a deal! Son of a bitch. 109 00:06:44,179 --> 00:06:46,013 What do we do now? 110 00:06:46,014 --> 00:06:48,400 I don't want to go back to China. 111 00:06:48,934 --> 00:06:50,685 I can't take care of her. 112 00:06:50,686 --> 00:06:52,519 Do you have any idea how much she eats? 113 00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:55,064 Business has been terrible. 114 00:06:55,065 --> 00:06:58,067 You must know someone else who needs a wife. 115 00:06:58,068 --> 00:07:02,947 I'm only as good as the product. 116 00:07:02,948 --> 00:07:09,880 If you don't have the looks, you at least need charm. 117 00:07:11,039 --> 00:07:13,290 How about finding someone less picky? 118 00:07:13,291 --> 00:07:16,669 It's not like this guy was on the A-list. 119 00:07:18,296 --> 00:07:19,847 What am I going to do? 120 00:07:20,883 --> 00:07:23,685 I could help you in the shop. 121 00:07:24,469 --> 00:07:26,521 You owe me eight hundred dollars. 122 00:07:30,768 --> 00:07:32,894 That was the scene just a few minutes ago 123 00:07:32,895 --> 00:07:35,396 outside this Lower Manhattan courthouse, 124 00:07:35,397 --> 00:07:37,982 where culinary celebrity Judy King 125 00:07:37,983 --> 00:07:40,567 was arraigned on charges of tax evasion. According to authorities... 126 00:07:40,568 --> 00:07:43,320 I never liked this woman. 127 00:07:43,321 --> 00:07:47,167 She puts cream in her carbonara. It's vulgar. 128 00:07:49,327 --> 00:07:50,745 What are you writing? 129 00:07:50,746 --> 00:07:52,789 It's for drama workshop. 130 00:07:52,790 --> 00:07:56,626 It's about my emotionally manipulative asshat of a mother 131 00:07:56,627 --> 00:07:58,670 and all the times she betrayed me. 132 00:07:58,671 --> 00:08:00,462 I'm thinking at the end, 133 00:08:00,463 --> 00:08:02,757 I could run her over with a riding lawnmower. 134 00:08:02,758 --> 00:08:04,133 Shred the bitch. 135 00:08:04,134 --> 00:08:05,927 Oh, that's beautiful, honey. 136 00:08:05,928 --> 00:08:10,565 You can watch your cartoons later. It's the grown-ups' time now, honey. 137 00:08:13,101 --> 00:08:16,103 Hey, Red. I hear you got family in Queens. 138 00:08:16,104 --> 00:08:17,438 What about them? 139 00:08:17,439 --> 00:08:20,107 I was wondering if your husband could give my son a ride up here sometime? 140 00:08:20,108 --> 00:08:22,276 I'll trade you whatever. I've asked everyone, but... 141 00:08:22,277 --> 00:08:24,787 Dmitri won't be visiting anymore. 142 00:08:25,488 --> 00:08:28,416 Oh, shit. I'm sorry. 143 00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:31,828 He's a worthless mushroom of a man. 144 00:08:31,829 --> 00:08:33,245 I've known a few of those. 145 00:08:33,246 --> 00:08:35,414 Maybe we should give up and be gay. 146 00:08:35,415 --> 00:08:36,498 We got the haircuts. 147 00:08:46,551 --> 00:08:49,846 There an angle in this place you ain't workin'? 148 00:08:49,847 --> 00:08:52,264 Watch and learn, Mendoza. 149 00:08:57,645 --> 00:09:00,356 The food lady from the TV got arrested! 150 00:09:00,357 --> 00:09:03,317 - Wait, what? Oh, shit, is it Nigella? - Mmm-mmm. 151 00:09:03,318 --> 00:09:04,819 - The trashy one? - Mmm-mmm. 152 00:09:04,820 --> 00:09:06,278 - The snotty one? - Mmm-mmm. 153 00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:09,490 Ooh, it's the one with the plantation kinda vibe goin' on, but in a fun way? 154 00:09:09,491 --> 00:09:11,283 Yes! 155 00:09:11,284 --> 00:09:14,536 - Yes! Had something to do with her taxes. - Yeah, Judy King! 156 00:09:14,537 --> 00:09:17,749 There was microphones everywhere. And they almost stuck one in her ear. 157 00:09:17,750 --> 00:09:19,416 Oh, Lord, if you're really out there, 158 00:09:19,417 --> 00:09:21,753 please, please, please let her come to Litchfield. 159 00:09:21,754 --> 00:09:24,130 Please, please, please. 160 00:09:24,131 --> 00:09:25,473 Um... 161 00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:27,767 What? 162 00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:32,013 I think your laundry might be alive. 163 00:09:32,014 --> 00:09:35,516 Nah, that's that furry alkie been stealing my jail juice! 164 00:09:35,517 --> 00:09:37,476 Yeah, I caught it this morning. 165 00:09:37,477 --> 00:09:40,062 I'll turn that punk into a hat. 166 00:09:40,063 --> 00:09:41,230 What? 167 00:09:41,231 --> 00:09:44,867 Okay. We gonna have to talk. 168 00:09:46,111 --> 00:09:47,412 What? 169 00:09:51,950 --> 00:09:54,118 So, stations one and two, 170 00:09:54,119 --> 00:09:57,914 you will be at the cutting tables this morning cutting patterns. 171 00:09:57,915 --> 00:10:00,582 And then everyone else can start assembling the pieces. 172 00:10:00,583 --> 00:10:03,961 We will switch out after lunch to avoid fatigue. 173 00:10:06,006 --> 00:10:09,550 Look sharp, ladies. It's up to us to help the lovers of the world get it on! 174 00:10:12,763 --> 00:10:14,055 That's enough, DeMarco. 175 00:10:14,056 --> 00:10:17,058 Come on, Donaldson. Live a little, huh? 176 00:10:17,059 --> 00:10:18,976 Cut it out, okay? 177 00:10:18,977 --> 00:10:20,978 This shit's right up my alley. 178 00:10:20,979 --> 00:10:24,023 Sewed all my kids' clothes until high school. 179 00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:26,033 I bet they loved that. 180 00:10:28,528 --> 00:10:32,531 Man, somehow my khakis be feelin' extra khaki right now. 181 00:10:32,532 --> 00:10:35,868 Oh, come on, Gonzales. Looks are superficial. 182 00:10:35,869 --> 00:10:41,091 Everybody knows it's about talent, originality, a sense of humor... 183 00:10:45,503 --> 00:10:50,091 What do you think it's like to be her in real life? 184 00:10:50,092 --> 00:10:52,927 Mmm, she eats pills and ice cream, and cries at night. 185 00:10:52,928 --> 00:10:55,897 And she cuts herself, but on her scalp so no one can see. 186 00:10:56,473 --> 00:10:58,265 So, it's still better than our lives. 187 00:10:58,266 --> 00:11:00,652 I would be her in a second. 188 00:11:06,316 --> 00:11:09,276 White bitches, white bitches... All right, check it. 189 00:11:09,277 --> 00:11:12,404 How many pages you think it is before they put in a token blackie? 190 00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:16,450 And how dark is she, scale of one to Grace Jones? 191 00:11:16,451 --> 00:11:19,620 All right, 14 and four. 192 00:11:19,621 --> 00:11:22,581 All right, 14 and four. Let's find out. 193 00:11:24,209 --> 00:11:27,419 - So close. Here she is, page 11. - Oh, man! 194 00:11:27,420 --> 00:11:29,171 - Man, but that's not too bad. - Mmm-hmm. 195 00:11:29,172 --> 00:11:31,558 But she, like, a two. 196 00:11:31,716 --> 00:11:33,717 - The bitch got blue eyes. - Yeah, true. 197 00:11:33,718 --> 00:11:35,677 But, damn, look at her abs, though. 198 00:11:35,678 --> 00:11:37,013 I know, right? 199 00:11:37,014 --> 00:11:39,306 So I jump out the window. 200 00:11:39,307 --> 00:11:43,810 I fall two floors, I land on the awning, I slide off. 201 00:11:43,811 --> 00:11:48,900 I grab the delivery boy's bicycle, and I'm outta there. I'm gone. 202 00:11:48,901 --> 00:11:51,485 And that is how I pull off 203 00:11:51,486 --> 00:11:55,832 the biggest jewel heist in Chandler, Arizona. 204 00:11:56,324 --> 00:11:59,743 I gotta say, you are the cutest gunslinger I've ever met. 205 00:11:59,744 --> 00:12:01,870 Thank you so much. 206 00:12:01,871 --> 00:12:03,414 And I do love guns. 207 00:12:03,415 --> 00:12:07,293 I mean, the old ones... and the newer ones. 208 00:12:07,294 --> 00:12:10,046 I'm saving up for a 1962 Remington 700. 209 00:12:10,047 --> 00:12:11,255 That's the year they came out. 210 00:12:11,256 --> 00:12:14,341 Push-feed action, 3.2-millisecond lock time. 211 00:12:14,342 --> 00:12:16,468 Ooh! Just hearing you talk about that 212 00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:18,387 makes me want to go out and shoot something. 213 00:12:18,388 --> 00:12:21,933 Now you're making me sad. 214 00:12:21,934 --> 00:12:24,819 You're never gonna be able to buy a gun again, are you? 215 00:12:25,228 --> 00:12:26,437 What? 216 00:12:26,438 --> 00:12:31,826 As a convicted felon, you can't own a gun. 217 00:12:32,235 --> 00:12:33,620 Oh, right. 218 00:12:34,321 --> 00:12:35,913 Right! 219 00:12:36,364 --> 00:12:38,449 That is terrible, isn't it? 220 00:12:38,450 --> 00:12:41,660 I mean, that should be a fundamental right. 221 00:12:41,661 --> 00:12:43,870 Like freedom of speech, right? 222 00:12:43,871 --> 00:12:46,457 I mean, what is happening to our country? 223 00:12:46,458 --> 00:12:48,209 It's the fall of Rome. 224 00:12:48,210 --> 00:12:51,721 Don't even get me started on Rome. 225 00:12:53,381 --> 00:12:56,342 I've never written to an inmate before. I didn't know what to expect. 226 00:12:56,343 --> 00:12:58,760 But you're... great. 227 00:12:58,761 --> 00:13:01,273 You're great, too. 228 00:13:01,514 --> 00:13:02,681 Can I come see you again? 229 00:13:02,682 --> 00:13:05,267 I think that would be fine. 230 00:13:05,268 --> 00:13:07,603 Did you think we weren't gonna find out? 231 00:13:07,604 --> 00:13:11,940 I never found out. Nobody said a damn word to me about an ad. 232 00:13:11,941 --> 00:13:13,985 All due respect, sir, but I am gonna have to call 233 00:13:13,986 --> 00:13:16,112 a massive amount of bullshit on that. 234 00:13:16,113 --> 00:13:21,033 My kid's got asthma, and out of pocket, her inhaler costs like $300 a month. 235 00:13:21,034 --> 00:13:22,618 I could get heroin for cheaper. 236 00:13:22,619 --> 00:13:24,745 - I understand. - Do you? 237 00:13:24,746 --> 00:13:27,831 'Cause it seems like the only job you saved around here was your own. 238 00:13:27,832 --> 00:13:30,667 You're still full-time. You still have health insurance. 239 00:13:30,668 --> 00:13:36,173 You think that's what this is about, huh? I got mine, now I'm gonna cut you loose? 240 00:13:36,174 --> 00:13:39,218 It doesn't not look like that, does it? 241 00:13:39,219 --> 00:13:42,939 I guess we can put the couch on Airbnb to pay for your wrist surgery. 242 00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:45,400 Listen to me. 243 00:13:46,434 --> 00:13:49,978 Even if I didn't give two shits about you clowns, 244 00:13:49,979 --> 00:13:51,897 which is not the case, 245 00:13:51,898 --> 00:13:54,733 I would still want to fix this just to get you off my jock. 246 00:13:54,734 --> 00:13:56,152 I promise you. 247 00:13:56,153 --> 00:14:00,332 I think that was his way of saying he cares what happens to us. 248 00:14:01,199 --> 00:14:02,408 Exactly. 249 00:14:02,409 --> 00:14:05,587 If you care about us, you should say it. 250 00:14:06,579 --> 00:14:07,954 Say you care about us. 251 00:14:07,955 --> 00:14:09,256 No. 252 00:14:09,874 --> 00:14:11,500 Say you love us. 253 00:14:11,501 --> 00:14:13,669 What? We're family in here. 254 00:14:13,670 --> 00:14:17,006 You love us and you're gonna turn this thing around. 255 00:14:17,007 --> 00:14:18,433 Say it. 256 00:14:25,015 --> 00:14:26,557 I... 257 00:14:26,558 --> 00:14:27,808 I love you. 258 00:14:27,809 --> 00:14:29,736 That's more like it. 259 00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:41,822 Hi, I would like a kosher meal, please. 260 00:14:41,823 --> 00:14:43,324 We got beef, noodles and peas. 261 00:14:43,325 --> 00:14:45,034 It's a religious thing. 262 00:14:45,035 --> 00:14:49,255 Which means Uncle Sam says you gotta provide it when asked for. 263 00:14:49,622 --> 00:14:51,332 That's actually true. 264 00:14:51,333 --> 00:14:53,667 Well, we don't have it. 265 00:14:53,668 --> 00:14:55,961 Kosher's in extra deep freeze. 266 00:14:55,962 --> 00:14:59,215 Where it's been for months because nobody ever asked for it 267 00:14:59,216 --> 00:15:03,094 when they were eating tasty, nutritious Russian fusion. 268 00:15:03,095 --> 00:15:04,479 But now... 269 00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:07,774 this is what it's come to. 270 00:15:18,025 --> 00:15:20,370 Some tweaker wants kosher. 271 00:15:21,279 --> 00:15:24,990 We don't got enough to deal with around here, now we got Jews? 272 00:15:24,991 --> 00:15:27,076 La Red says it's in the back. 273 00:15:46,679 --> 00:15:49,315 This actually looks pretty good. 274 00:15:52,102 --> 00:15:54,529 No noodles. All peas. 275 00:15:57,815 --> 00:16:01,368 - You want cake? - Just peas. Two milk. 276 00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:38,397 Food is to be eaten in the cafeteria. 277 00:16:38,398 --> 00:16:40,399 Yeah, totally. I'm just running out real quick. 278 00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,193 - I'm gonna come right back. - Really? 279 00:16:42,194 --> 00:16:44,986 Or are you going to stash that cake in your locker for later 280 00:16:44,987 --> 00:16:48,240 and then pretend you don't know why there are roaches in B-Dorm? 281 00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:51,034 My dreams make me hungry. 282 00:17:44,130 --> 00:17:46,098 You know what sucks? 283 00:17:46,716 --> 00:17:49,801 Belonging to a race that doesn't commit enough low-value crimes 284 00:17:49,802 --> 00:17:52,137 to be relevant in a place like this. 285 00:17:52,138 --> 00:17:54,556 Where's my big, Asian prison family? 286 00:17:54,557 --> 00:17:56,475 You Scottish. 287 00:17:56,476 --> 00:17:58,352 Not to white people I'm not. 288 00:17:58,353 --> 00:18:00,186 One drop of ethnic blood and bam! 289 00:18:00,187 --> 00:18:03,189 I'm basically made in China, like you and my toothbrush. 290 00:18:03,190 --> 00:18:04,951 You Scottish. 291 00:18:49,946 --> 00:18:51,863 Seven million people in New York City 292 00:18:51,864 --> 00:18:53,990 and none of them in my shop. 293 00:18:53,991 --> 00:18:56,993 Maybe we could start doing foot massages or something. 294 00:18:56,994 --> 00:18:58,078 Shit, you're right. 295 00:18:58,079 --> 00:19:00,289 Just like the three actual massage places on this block. 296 00:19:00,290 --> 00:19:02,416 You're a marketing wizard. 297 00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:08,297 Okay, we've got two boxes of dried sea cucumber and a box of deer antlers. 298 00:19:08,298 --> 00:19:10,557 Really nice this time, 299 00:19:11,175 --> 00:19:12,468 from New Zealand. 300 00:19:12,469 --> 00:19:14,052 And? 301 00:19:14,053 --> 00:19:16,063 Where's my special delivery? 302 00:19:21,561 --> 00:19:24,238 We had a little setback. 303 00:19:24,731 --> 00:19:27,899 That idiot Zhang Bo got himself busted. 304 00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:29,818 I need this stuff, Deng. 305 00:19:29,819 --> 00:19:31,903 You think I make money on fucking chrysanthemum tea? 306 00:19:31,904 --> 00:19:34,448 I have six people waiting on bear bile. 307 00:19:34,449 --> 00:19:38,369 The cops are all over the neighborhood, stopping anyone suspicious. 308 00:19:38,370 --> 00:19:41,287 Your gall bladders are sitting with 300 Gs worth of rhino horn 309 00:19:41,288 --> 00:19:43,874 in a storage unit in Flushing 310 00:19:43,875 --> 00:19:46,302 and we can't touch them. 311 00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:50,589 Look, this will blow over. We wait a few months... 312 00:19:50,590 --> 00:19:53,392 A few months? No. 313 00:19:59,932 --> 00:20:01,808 Take Mei. 314 00:20:01,809 --> 00:20:03,527 Have her carry it. 315 00:20:06,313 --> 00:20:08,023 This is no job for a woman. 316 00:20:08,024 --> 00:20:09,941 It's a job for this woman. 317 00:20:09,942 --> 00:20:12,486 The whole time we've been talking, she was standing right there. 318 00:20:12,487 --> 00:20:14,446 You never even looked at her. 319 00:20:14,447 --> 00:20:16,457 She's invisible. 320 00:20:17,158 --> 00:20:18,835 I can do it. 321 00:20:25,833 --> 00:20:27,634 Come on, man. God damn. 322 00:20:28,127 --> 00:20:29,553 Ugh. 323 00:20:30,212 --> 00:20:32,005 God damn it! 324 00:20:34,091 --> 00:20:37,010 There's a one-legged chick out there that's gonna be real grateful for that. 325 00:20:37,011 --> 00:20:39,388 Man, ain't you plannin' on doing any sewin' while you here? 326 00:20:39,389 --> 00:20:42,441 I'll get to it. I'm like the Flash with this shit. 327 00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:45,394 What page you gotta get to before you see a Spanish girl? 328 00:20:45,395 --> 00:20:46,770 If you're talkin' about Latinas, 329 00:20:46,771 --> 00:20:49,773 there's, like, 20 different countries that all look different. 330 00:20:49,774 --> 00:20:52,526 See this blond chick? She could be Latina. 331 00:20:52,527 --> 00:20:53,902 - We don't know. - Let me see. 332 00:20:53,903 --> 00:20:57,331 - Nah, she probably ain't though. - No, probably not. 333 00:20:58,032 --> 00:21:00,742 Man, I gotta start running or something. 334 00:21:00,743 --> 00:21:03,119 Yeah, I ran all the time and boys just thought I was weird. 335 00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:05,789 It's all Photoshopped anyway. 336 00:21:05,790 --> 00:21:10,335 Special lighting, tape and shit. We're chasing an unachievable standard. 337 00:21:10,336 --> 00:21:12,045 I ain't chasin' nothin'. 338 00:21:12,046 --> 00:21:13,964 I'm a strong black woman, 339 00:21:13,965 --> 00:21:16,717 and we got a different standard of beauty in our community. 340 00:21:16,718 --> 00:21:18,635 - Not true. - Excuse me? 341 00:21:18,636 --> 00:21:21,680 - Beyoncé. - Uh-uh. Don't you say nothin' about Bey. 342 00:21:21,681 --> 00:21:25,726 She ain't out there with her nappy hair and her plus-size dashiki, okay? 343 00:21:25,727 --> 00:21:26,852 She playing a white girl game. 344 00:21:26,853 --> 00:21:27,936 And she winnin'. 345 00:21:27,937 --> 00:21:31,607 Winnin'! And you provin' my point exactly, Morticia. 346 00:21:31,608 --> 00:21:34,275 There are hella ways for black women to be beautiful. 347 00:21:34,276 --> 00:21:37,246 - A white girl, though... - Mmm-hmm. 348 00:21:37,321 --> 00:21:39,832 They just gotta be skinny. 349 00:21:40,116 --> 00:21:41,617 Ouch! 350 00:21:41,618 --> 00:21:45,411 Jesus H! That's the third time. 351 00:21:45,412 --> 00:21:47,998 Did you ever wear anything like this, back in your day? 352 00:21:47,999 --> 00:21:50,125 - "In my day"? - Mmm-hmm. 353 00:21:50,126 --> 00:21:51,502 That's kind of insulting. 354 00:21:51,503 --> 00:21:53,012 Sorry. 355 00:21:53,838 --> 00:21:57,048 In my day, I wore fuck all. 356 00:21:58,342 --> 00:22:01,145 You've either got to do it, or not. 357 00:22:02,096 --> 00:22:04,389 "Get to the banging." 358 00:22:04,390 --> 00:22:05,983 - Mmm. - That's my philosophy. 359 00:22:07,101 --> 00:22:10,186 You know, I kinda like lingerie. 360 00:22:10,187 --> 00:22:13,273 I think it's less about seducing someone else 361 00:22:13,274 --> 00:22:16,943 and more about feeling sexy yourself. 362 00:22:16,944 --> 00:22:18,654 I mean, I know it's ridiculous. 363 00:22:18,655 --> 00:22:21,665 But when it's not being ridiculous, I think... 364 00:22:22,283 --> 00:22:25,086 I think it can make you feel... 365 00:22:26,913 --> 00:22:28,163 powerful. 366 00:22:30,667 --> 00:22:31,750 What? 367 00:22:31,751 --> 00:22:33,293 You should hear yourself. 368 00:22:33,294 --> 00:22:34,878 It's like, "Help! I'm a skinny hot girl, 369 00:22:34,879 --> 00:22:37,881 but I need a little something extra to make me feel sexy." 370 00:22:37,882 --> 00:22:40,842 If you knew me, you would know I am definitely not the hot girl. 371 00:22:40,843 --> 00:22:42,343 "Help! 372 00:22:42,344 --> 00:22:47,057 The burden of my genetic perfection, it's so heavy and so unfair." 373 00:22:47,058 --> 00:22:50,435 Genes are genes and they do not take away from my God-given right 374 00:22:50,436 --> 00:22:53,354 to look in the mirror and feel shitty about my thighs. 375 00:22:53,355 --> 00:22:57,525 You're tall and blond, and your legs are up to your neck. 376 00:22:57,526 --> 00:22:59,912 Relax, enjoy it. 377 00:23:00,863 --> 00:23:03,699 I double majored in communications and comparative literature. 378 00:23:03,700 --> 00:23:05,209 Of course you did. 379 00:23:05,952 --> 00:23:09,162 Why are Betties always going on about how nerdy they really are? 380 00:23:09,163 --> 00:23:10,956 It's like, just fuckin' own it, you know? 381 00:23:10,957 --> 00:23:13,083 Like when rich people pretend they're not rich. 382 00:23:13,084 --> 00:23:14,375 Exactly. 383 00:23:14,376 --> 00:23:18,672 Maybe it's because Betties get treated like they're... stupid. 384 00:23:18,673 --> 00:23:21,683 Well, then, don't be stupid. 385 00:23:22,885 --> 00:23:24,561 Women. 386 00:23:25,262 --> 00:23:27,639 And you don't consider yourself a member of that category? 387 00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:28,941 I do. 388 00:23:29,558 --> 00:23:32,987 But only because my options are limited. 389 00:23:39,276 --> 00:23:42,195 So I dive out the window. I fall two floors. 390 00:23:42,196 --> 00:23:44,572 I land splat on the awning. 391 00:23:44,573 --> 00:23:49,327 Jump down, grab the delivery guy's bicycle and scram. 392 00:23:49,328 --> 00:23:53,707 And that is how I became the most wanted arsonist 393 00:23:53,708 --> 00:23:55,792 in Winter Park, Florida. 394 00:23:55,793 --> 00:23:57,919 Shit, that is intense. 395 00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:02,298 Well, you know, life is intense. 396 00:24:02,299 --> 00:24:04,676 Sometimes you need an escape route. 397 00:24:04,677 --> 00:24:07,095 Well, I guess that's why we both love anime. 398 00:24:07,096 --> 00:24:09,973 Right! Who doesn't need a break from reality? 399 00:24:09,974 --> 00:24:13,601 My prison reality. Your suburban Connecticut reality. 400 00:24:13,602 --> 00:24:16,521 Oh, last year I got into such a huge fight at the Expo. 401 00:24:16,522 --> 00:24:17,814 Some dude's like, 402 00:24:17,815 --> 00:24:19,900 "If you got a horn on your head, you can't be Pegasus. 403 00:24:19,901 --> 00:24:21,234 Pegasus isn't a unicorn." 404 00:24:21,235 --> 00:24:23,528 And I'm like, "In Sailor Moon he is, bitch!" 405 00:24:23,529 --> 00:24:24,946 That shit got crazy. 406 00:24:24,947 --> 00:24:27,157 Oh, what a bitch! 407 00:24:27,158 --> 00:24:29,743 Yeah. What's your favorite anime? 408 00:24:29,744 --> 00:24:32,746 Oh, it's very obscure, you probably haven't heard of it. 409 00:24:33,831 --> 00:24:38,177 It's this animal-human hybrid thing. 410 00:24:38,795 --> 00:24:43,298 It's by an artist named Dayanara Diaz. It's really out there. 411 00:24:43,299 --> 00:24:45,142 I'll have to check it out. 412 00:24:46,218 --> 00:24:47,510 I like you, Lorna. 413 00:24:47,511 --> 00:24:50,055 And I like you, too, Ron. 414 00:24:50,056 --> 00:24:53,975 I'll be honest with you, the last girl I met in this prison pen pal thing 415 00:24:53,976 --> 00:24:57,863 turned out to be... a little heavier. 416 00:24:58,314 --> 00:25:00,691 And... I don't go for that. 417 00:25:00,692 --> 00:25:04,110 But you've got a normal BMI and a very symmetrical face. 418 00:25:04,111 --> 00:25:06,663 Oh, stop. 419 00:25:07,865 --> 00:25:11,159 MCC appreciates your honest feedback. 420 00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:14,463 We strive for excellence. Thank you. 421 00:25:18,042 --> 00:25:21,169 So now you're ignoring me, hmm? 422 00:25:21,170 --> 00:25:23,972 My son used to do this when he was five. 423 00:25:26,342 --> 00:25:28,519 You tried to play me, Red. 424 00:25:29,846 --> 00:25:31,805 You were insincere, 425 00:25:31,806 --> 00:25:36,184 and you capitalized on my sensitivities. 426 00:25:36,185 --> 00:25:40,489 I want the kitchen back. What other choice did I have? 427 00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:43,149 You could've asked me nicely. 428 00:25:43,150 --> 00:25:45,736 Aw, and that would have worked? 429 00:25:45,737 --> 00:25:47,070 Possibly. 430 00:25:47,071 --> 00:25:49,623 I'm a person. We're people. 431 00:25:51,117 --> 00:25:54,086 No one in here is people. 432 00:25:54,912 --> 00:25:58,289 You think this is a normal relationship? 433 00:25:58,290 --> 00:26:00,208 Human to human? 434 00:26:00,209 --> 00:26:03,804 I take advantage, you get your feelings hurt. 435 00:26:05,339 --> 00:26:08,475 You forget that when you leave here tonight, 436 00:26:08,801 --> 00:26:11,427 you lock me in behind you. 437 00:26:11,428 --> 00:26:14,606 Hey, I don't make the rules. 438 00:26:15,557 --> 00:26:18,018 You take a woman's power away. 439 00:26:18,019 --> 00:26:22,272 Her work, her family, her currency. 440 00:26:22,273 --> 00:26:24,575 You leave her with one coin... 441 00:26:25,484 --> 00:26:27,527 the one she was born with. 442 00:26:27,528 --> 00:26:30,696 It may be tawdry and demeaning, 443 00:26:30,697 --> 00:26:34,376 but if she has to, she will spend it. 444 00:26:39,957 --> 00:26:42,134 But you're right. 445 00:26:42,501 --> 00:26:45,304 Your feelings count, too. 446 00:26:57,809 --> 00:27:00,894 I mean, you couldn't give a guy a heads-up on this fiasco? 447 00:27:00,895 --> 00:27:04,656 I got COs up my ass like a lemon-juice enema. 448 00:27:05,274 --> 00:27:08,234 Oh, like your mom never did it to you? Come on. 449 00:27:08,235 --> 00:27:10,904 But I should have told you. 450 00:27:10,905 --> 00:27:13,656 One of those things. You know, you get the call from upstairs... 451 00:27:13,657 --> 00:27:16,659 I probably found out five minutes before you did. 452 00:27:16,660 --> 00:27:18,411 Yeah, well, it stinks. 453 00:27:18,412 --> 00:27:20,997 Yeah, well, I 100% get why these guys are upset. 454 00:27:20,998 --> 00:27:22,665 But, on the other hand, you know, 455 00:27:22,666 --> 00:27:25,376 keeping tabs on that many inmates takes a toll. 456 00:27:25,377 --> 00:27:29,505 These guys, uh, they start making mistakes, you know. 457 00:27:29,506 --> 00:27:32,175 Cutting hours gives these guys some down time. 458 00:27:32,176 --> 00:27:34,219 They rest up, they come in fresh... 459 00:27:34,220 --> 00:27:37,180 Yeah, to a job they no longer give two shits about 460 00:27:37,181 --> 00:27:40,308 'cause you cut their benefits and they're making bubkes. 461 00:27:40,309 --> 00:27:43,237 Good point, good point, you know, but... 462 00:27:44,688 --> 00:27:46,522 Between you and me, 463 00:27:46,523 --> 00:27:49,484 I'm not too happy about this whole thing, either. I mean... 464 00:27:49,485 --> 00:27:52,362 You obviously know more about Litchfield than anybody. 465 00:27:52,363 --> 00:27:55,866 Who should be calling the shots? You or some fucking corporate bigwig? 466 00:27:55,867 --> 00:27:59,119 The ad says all you need to apply is a GED and no felonies. 467 00:27:59,120 --> 00:28:01,121 I mean, they really think that's all it takes? 468 00:28:01,122 --> 00:28:03,840 Although, Luschek, am I right? 469 00:28:05,126 --> 00:28:08,512 Yeah, I don't know how that happened. 470 00:28:09,922 --> 00:28:13,925 I gotta tell you, Pearson, the last few years have been a rough ride. 471 00:28:13,926 --> 00:28:15,977 I've been through the shit. 472 00:28:16,678 --> 00:28:18,272 Can we get two more of these? 473 00:28:19,891 --> 00:28:20,974 I tell you what. 474 00:28:20,975 --> 00:28:25,896 The applications have been coming to me, which is crazy. 475 00:28:25,897 --> 00:28:29,357 You should be doing the hiring. You know exactly what you need. 476 00:28:29,358 --> 00:28:32,911 Who knows, maybe you'll find some hidden gems in there. 477 00:28:34,947 --> 00:28:36,739 I guess you never know. 478 00:28:36,740 --> 00:28:39,293 Yeah. That's the spirit. 479 00:28:42,872 --> 00:28:44,497 My neck is fuckin' killing me. 480 00:28:44,498 --> 00:28:47,008 Hell yeah. Sewing is no joke. 481 00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:52,547 Uh... Hey, what you got on your tray? 482 00:28:52,548 --> 00:28:56,051 Eggs and some kind of tomato sauce. 483 00:28:56,052 --> 00:28:59,137 I did not see no eggs up there. You see eggs? 484 00:28:59,138 --> 00:29:00,471 Mmm-mmm. I did not see eggs. 485 00:29:00,472 --> 00:29:02,098 It's kosher. You gotta ask for it. 486 00:29:02,099 --> 00:29:05,685 "Kosher"? Like some pickles, "kosher"? 487 00:29:05,686 --> 00:29:08,354 No, there's all these Jewish laws about food. 488 00:29:08,355 --> 00:29:11,232 Kosher means they obeyed all the laws. 489 00:29:11,233 --> 00:29:12,784 They make it special. 490 00:29:13,194 --> 00:29:15,028 Well, you don't look Jewish to me. 491 00:29:15,029 --> 00:29:17,697 I'm Lutheran. From Norway. 492 00:29:17,698 --> 00:29:21,409 But they're not allowed to ask you about that on account of the Holocaust, 493 00:29:21,410 --> 00:29:23,295 so I don't say shit. 494 00:29:24,038 --> 00:29:25,339 Ugh. 495 00:29:25,831 --> 00:29:27,958 Uh-uh. This changes everything. 496 00:29:27,959 --> 00:29:31,794 My back is in spasm and all of my fingers hurt. 497 00:29:31,795 --> 00:29:34,005 Wait, have you been cheating on me? 498 00:29:34,006 --> 00:29:37,017 I have been touching many panties. 499 00:29:37,801 --> 00:29:41,313 Which reminds me. I brought you a souvenir. 500 00:29:43,182 --> 00:29:44,807 Meet your new bunkie. 501 00:29:44,808 --> 00:29:47,893 She's damaged in all the right ways and has big naturals. 502 00:29:47,894 --> 00:29:49,354 I call her Lola. 503 00:29:49,355 --> 00:29:51,490 You get everything about me. 504 00:29:53,359 --> 00:29:55,151 Whoa! Hold up. 505 00:29:55,152 --> 00:29:57,445 These bras cost $90? 506 00:29:57,446 --> 00:29:59,614 I know, right? And I get 45 cents to make them. 507 00:29:59,615 --> 00:30:01,199 It's basically slave labor. 508 00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:02,742 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 509 00:30:02,743 --> 00:30:04,953 You do not get to say what's slavery, okay? 510 00:30:04,954 --> 00:30:06,829 - Mmm-mmm. - I get to say what's slavery. 511 00:30:06,830 --> 00:30:08,789 And PS, technically, 512 00:30:08,790 --> 00:30:10,833 - it's more like indentured servitude. - Mmm-hmm. 513 00:30:10,834 --> 00:30:12,793 Y'all don't know about that slave life. 514 00:30:12,794 --> 00:30:16,256 We makin' a dollar an hour. That's like 10 times what we got before. 515 00:30:16,257 --> 00:30:19,842 But the other jobs are about prison upkeep. 516 00:30:19,843 --> 00:30:22,563 The Whispers people are profiting from this. 517 00:30:23,139 --> 00:30:25,566 - I'm okay with that. - Mmm-hmm. Me too. 518 00:30:26,600 --> 00:30:28,059 Your oatmeal's getting cold. 519 00:30:28,060 --> 00:30:30,311 Do you know anything about birds? 520 00:30:30,312 --> 00:30:31,896 What, like birds in general? 521 00:30:31,897 --> 00:30:33,106 Anything. 522 00:30:33,107 --> 00:30:36,401 Well, owls eat whole mice and then throw up the bones. 523 00:30:36,402 --> 00:30:37,943 - Mmm-hmm. - Big Bird is yellow, 524 00:30:37,944 --> 00:30:41,239 coq au vin is delicious, 525 00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:43,116 and you're being crazy right now. 526 00:30:43,117 --> 00:30:45,336 Oh, everybody needs a hobby. 527 00:30:45,911 --> 00:30:49,830 Morello, think about the kind of guys who write to women in prison. 528 00:30:49,831 --> 00:30:53,209 I mean, if you want a boyfriend, you might wanna fish in a different pool. 529 00:30:53,210 --> 00:30:56,379 No, no, no, no, no. It is not about that. 530 00:30:56,380 --> 00:30:58,589 It is a straight up moneymaking thing. 531 00:30:58,590 --> 00:31:00,633 You get one of these bozos on the hook, 532 00:31:00,634 --> 00:31:04,429 and they are just throwing money in your commissary, throwing it in. 533 00:31:04,430 --> 00:31:06,639 All right. Well, if that's all it is. 534 00:31:06,640 --> 00:31:08,016 But you don't have to do this. 535 00:31:08,017 --> 00:31:10,935 I mean, Chapman's hauling in so much bank now, 536 00:31:10,936 --> 00:31:13,113 she's gonna buy us all a pony. 537 00:32:58,627 --> 00:32:59,928 Uh-oh. 538 00:33:00,962 --> 00:33:02,713 Not cool. 539 00:33:02,714 --> 00:33:04,766 Throw it back. 540 00:33:07,928 --> 00:33:09,855 What a dick. 541 00:33:13,934 --> 00:33:19,063 It's a dance, but you just walk backward. 542 00:33:19,064 --> 00:33:22,325 And your feet don't ever leave the ground. 543 00:33:25,862 --> 00:33:27,655 That's not a dance. 544 00:33:27,656 --> 00:33:29,782 - Says who? - Says me. 545 00:33:29,783 --> 00:33:31,585 Well, you're not in charge. 546 00:33:32,203 --> 00:33:35,756 Is this why you bought those penny-loafers? 547 00:33:39,626 --> 00:33:41,970 Where the fuck is this guy? 548 00:33:42,713 --> 00:33:44,422 - Fu. - Hmm. 549 00:33:44,423 --> 00:33:46,632 Does this stuff really work? 550 00:33:46,633 --> 00:33:48,018 Which stuff? 551 00:33:48,510 --> 00:33:50,720 The stuff. For men. 552 00:33:50,721 --> 00:33:54,056 I've been with you guys for months now and it's like half the business: 553 00:33:54,057 --> 00:33:56,485 The penis soup, the snake blood... 554 00:33:57,728 --> 00:34:03,483 Maybe it's not whether it works, but whether you think it works. 555 00:34:03,484 --> 00:34:08,153 But it's like nobody in China can get a boner. 556 00:34:08,154 --> 00:34:09,655 That can't be true. 557 00:34:09,656 --> 00:34:14,335 It's more about feeling powerful. 558 00:34:16,079 --> 00:34:18,623 I have this American girlfriend. 559 00:34:18,624 --> 00:34:21,834 Taller than I am, with yellow hair, 560 00:34:21,835 --> 00:34:23,762 she smokes these thin cigarettes. 561 00:34:24,463 --> 00:34:26,347 Scares the shit out of me. 562 00:34:29,635 --> 00:34:31,520 Men are dumb. 563 00:34:34,265 --> 00:34:35,390 Ah! Ni Kan. 564 00:34:35,391 --> 00:34:36,942 Finally. 565 00:34:51,114 --> 00:34:53,866 Hey, Park, I thought you died. 566 00:34:53,867 --> 00:34:56,086 Just get your shit, man. 567 00:34:58,830 --> 00:35:01,925 Big turtles. Venezuela. 568 00:35:05,086 --> 00:35:06,512 Okay. 569 00:35:21,978 --> 00:35:23,145 Fu. 570 00:35:23,146 --> 00:35:24,689 They're Ping-Pong balls. 571 00:35:24,690 --> 00:35:26,491 Huh? Shenme? 572 00:35:49,798 --> 00:35:51,642 Fucking Koreans. 573 00:35:53,469 --> 00:35:58,023 You might have saved my life, Mei. 574 00:36:01,727 --> 00:36:03,904 I owe you. 575 00:36:04,855 --> 00:36:06,782 I know what I want. 576 00:36:11,445 --> 00:36:16,616 So my new applicant pool is basically the cast of fucking Animal House. 577 00:36:16,617 --> 00:36:19,544 I'd cry for you, but I'm all out of Kleenex. 578 00:36:20,161 --> 00:36:23,122 I gotta play the game, okay? Look at what they send me. 579 00:36:23,123 --> 00:36:27,460 This guy's total work experience, seven months in a Radio Shack 580 00:36:27,461 --> 00:36:29,879 that he ended up leaving for "creative differences," 581 00:36:29,880 --> 00:36:32,808 which probably means he's got a Nazi tattoo. 582 00:36:33,634 --> 00:36:34,842 Look, this guy, 583 00:36:34,843 --> 00:36:37,928 he answered, "Have you ever been convicted of a felony?" 584 00:36:37,929 --> 00:36:39,680 with, "It's complicated." 585 00:36:39,681 --> 00:36:44,268 Hey, you know who has a ton of work experience and a clean record 586 00:36:44,269 --> 00:36:46,437 and who wants a job here? 587 00:36:46,438 --> 00:36:50,158 Fucking me. I even have a uniform and everything. 588 00:36:52,403 --> 00:36:54,612 Let's get through this, Maxwell. 589 00:36:54,613 --> 00:36:56,697 I'm gonna show them that I'm a good pawn 590 00:36:56,698 --> 00:36:57,990 and that I'm willing to play ball. 591 00:36:57,991 --> 00:36:59,492 And then in a few months, I tell them, 592 00:36:59,493 --> 00:37:04,214 "Look, we tried it your way. Now, I need my guys full-time." 593 00:37:05,206 --> 00:37:07,258 I miss Fig. 594 00:37:08,919 --> 00:37:11,262 Right. Right. 595 00:37:12,423 --> 00:37:15,090 Send one of these jokers back to my office. 596 00:37:15,091 --> 00:37:16,175 Which one? 597 00:37:16,176 --> 00:37:17,811 Thrill me. 598 00:37:19,137 --> 00:37:21,263 Hey! Hey, boss man. 599 00:37:21,264 --> 00:37:23,223 I got interviews, Healy. 600 00:37:23,224 --> 00:37:25,861 With those yahoos in the lobby? Yikes. 601 00:37:26,352 --> 00:37:28,438 I don't envy your job today. 602 00:37:28,439 --> 00:37:30,230 I've never felt closer to you. 603 00:37:30,231 --> 00:37:35,486 Hey, listen, I don't know what else these MCC goons got up their sleeve, 604 00:37:35,487 --> 00:37:38,363 but I want you to know I got full confidence in you. 605 00:37:38,364 --> 00:37:42,242 I know you're doing the best that you can. I can see that. 606 00:37:42,243 --> 00:37:43,411 Thank you. 607 00:37:43,412 --> 00:37:45,871 Us old-timers gotta stick together, okay? 608 00:37:45,872 --> 00:37:47,966 I got your back all the way. 609 00:37:50,461 --> 00:37:52,220 I appreciate that. 610 00:37:53,213 --> 00:37:55,214 Good luck, all right? 611 00:37:55,215 --> 00:37:58,852 Oh, hey, uh, do me a favor and sign this real quick for me. 612 00:38:03,640 --> 00:38:05,641 You want Reznikov back in the kitchen? 613 00:38:05,642 --> 00:38:07,893 She was running a whole black market outta there. 614 00:38:07,894 --> 00:38:09,144 Yeah, but that wasn't proven. 615 00:38:09,145 --> 00:38:10,771 And we got all new vendors in the kitchen now. 616 00:38:10,772 --> 00:38:14,525 And don't forget, we just lost Gonzales to the underwear people. 617 00:38:14,526 --> 00:38:16,193 I don't know. I don't know, Healy. 618 00:38:16,194 --> 00:38:17,277 I'll keep an eye on her. 619 00:38:17,278 --> 00:38:20,531 She'll start off in the bottom, washing dishes, doing the onions. 620 00:38:20,532 --> 00:38:22,667 We got a lot bigger problems, here, man. 621 00:38:25,996 --> 00:38:28,748 Do not mistake my kindness for weakness, Counselor. 622 00:38:29,916 --> 00:38:32,928 I'll keep that in mind. Side Boob! 623 00:38:54,190 --> 00:38:55,491 Huh. 624 00:38:55,692 --> 00:38:57,327 Uh, Mr. Brand? 625 00:38:58,278 --> 00:39:03,282 You know, if you smush these patterns just a little bit closer together, 626 00:39:03,283 --> 00:39:07,703 you can actually get an extra Lacy Low-Rider Indiscretion bikini 627 00:39:07,704 --> 00:39:09,789 from the same piece of fabric. 628 00:39:09,790 --> 00:39:12,592 Thanks for your advice, inmate. 629 00:39:13,251 --> 00:39:15,178 It was really more of an observation. 630 00:39:15,546 --> 00:39:20,433 Let's just assume that Whispers Inc. knows how they want to make panties, okay? 631 00:39:23,679 --> 00:39:24,845 See? 632 00:39:24,846 --> 00:39:28,817 Even C-minus-looking people can be stupid. 633 00:39:36,567 --> 00:39:37,900 You closin' up? 634 00:39:37,901 --> 00:39:39,359 I got time for one more. 635 00:39:39,360 --> 00:39:40,996 I need my neck shaved. 636 00:39:41,446 --> 00:39:43,948 No one ever wants anything fun around here. 637 00:39:43,949 --> 00:39:45,324 I'm guessing fun, to you, 638 00:39:45,325 --> 00:39:48,077 means a 2-foot poufy thing with a birdcage in it? 639 00:39:48,078 --> 00:39:52,331 And what would be so terrible about that? I mean, especially in a place like this. 640 00:39:52,332 --> 00:39:55,793 We could use some... some originality, some sass. 641 00:39:55,794 --> 00:39:58,554 Mmm-mmm. Not getting noticed is my main goal. 642 00:39:59,172 --> 00:40:02,382 Sass is what lands you in Seg. 643 00:40:02,383 --> 00:40:04,134 I feel that. 644 00:40:04,135 --> 00:40:06,511 Really? 'Cause you doin' the opposite. 645 00:40:06,512 --> 00:40:10,015 You got this whole thing going on, the hair, the makeup... 646 00:40:10,016 --> 00:40:13,936 I mean, who has the energy to go full MAC counter every day? 647 00:40:13,937 --> 00:40:19,024 Listen, after all I went through to be me, I'm not about to let shit slide. 648 00:40:19,025 --> 00:40:22,653 Yeah, but you all up in our face with it, like all blown out and shit. 649 00:40:22,654 --> 00:40:24,780 Look, if you wanted to look like a real woman, 650 00:40:24,781 --> 00:40:29,252 you would let your roots grow out and get some bags under your eyes. 651 00:40:30,328 --> 00:40:33,789 You know, historically, me and reality... 652 00:40:33,790 --> 00:40:35,332 not friends. 653 00:40:35,333 --> 00:40:37,126 Mmm. You got me there. 654 00:40:37,127 --> 00:40:40,713 This one time, I'm getting on the Metro-North to head home, 655 00:40:40,714 --> 00:40:42,172 and this mouth-breather, 656 00:40:42,173 --> 00:40:44,216 this mouth-breather comes right up behind me 657 00:40:44,217 --> 00:40:45,384 and smacks me on the ass. 658 00:40:45,385 --> 00:40:47,720 - And I'm thinking... - I'm sorry, could you go back a second 659 00:40:47,721 --> 00:40:50,190 to the part where you're on the Metro-North? 660 00:40:50,431 --> 00:40:51,515 What about it? 661 00:40:51,516 --> 00:40:53,934 - Where you live? - Yonkers. 662 00:40:53,935 --> 00:40:56,228 Childhood home of Mary J. Blige and Anthrax. 663 00:40:56,229 --> 00:41:00,107 You know that my son, you know, Benny, he's in the Bronx. 664 00:41:00,108 --> 00:41:01,233 Mmm-hmm. 665 00:41:01,234 --> 00:41:02,484 Yeah. 666 00:41:02,485 --> 00:41:04,569 You think that maybe, um... 667 00:41:04,570 --> 00:41:07,572 he could ride up here sometimes with your wife? 668 00:41:07,573 --> 00:41:08,741 You know, for visitation. 669 00:41:08,742 --> 00:41:11,461 'Cause he could take the bus to their house. 670 00:41:13,038 --> 00:41:14,755 I'll ask her. 671 00:41:17,542 --> 00:41:19,334 I'm feeling sassier already. 672 00:41:19,335 --> 00:41:21,471 Mmm-hmm? 673 00:41:21,922 --> 00:41:24,849 Glad you could come out for a real visit? 674 00:41:25,550 --> 00:41:27,310 Nice drive. 675 00:41:28,428 --> 00:41:32,607 First time in prison's always weird. You must feel like a starling. 676 00:41:33,433 --> 00:41:35,184 A what now? 677 00:41:35,185 --> 00:41:37,102 A common starling. 678 00:41:37,103 --> 00:41:39,354 You know, how they weren't native to America 679 00:41:39,355 --> 00:41:42,107 and then that guy Eugene brought them over, 680 00:41:42,108 --> 00:41:44,869 'cause he wanted it to be like Shakespeare's time. 681 00:41:46,487 --> 00:41:48,539 Right, sure. 682 00:41:50,491 --> 00:41:54,078 I think I saw a hermit thrush, yesterday. 683 00:41:54,079 --> 00:41:57,340 At least, I think it was a hermit thrush. It was all by itself. 684 00:41:57,958 --> 00:41:59,759 My uncle had a parakeet. 685 00:42:00,626 --> 00:42:04,180 Knew how to swear in Italian, but he shit all over the house. 686 00:42:07,759 --> 00:42:10,645 You're not that into birds, are you? 687 00:42:11,637 --> 00:42:15,566 Got nothing against them, but mostly I'm into Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. 688 00:42:16,309 --> 00:42:17,860 Like I wrote you. 689 00:42:18,228 --> 00:42:22,064 Oh, sure, Jiu-Jitsu. Everybody loves Jiu-Jitsu. 690 00:42:22,065 --> 00:42:23,699 It's delicious. 691 00:42:26,903 --> 00:42:28,779 You wanna tell me what's going on here? 692 00:42:28,780 --> 00:42:31,866 No, nothing, nothing. Nothing's going on. It was just a little misunderstanding... 693 00:42:31,867 --> 00:42:33,408 You think I'm some bird guy? 694 00:42:33,409 --> 00:42:35,160 - No. - What is this? Is this a scam? 695 00:42:35,161 --> 00:42:36,829 Trying to get money or something? 696 00:42:36,830 --> 00:42:38,122 No, no, no, no, no! It's not about money... 697 00:42:38,123 --> 00:42:39,498 I'm supposed to believe that? 698 00:42:39,499 --> 00:42:42,635 You're the top contract killer in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. 699 00:42:43,628 --> 00:42:45,462 Look... 700 00:42:45,463 --> 00:42:48,215 the only person that cared about me, 701 00:42:48,216 --> 00:42:51,102 they took her away to Max. 702 00:42:52,303 --> 00:42:54,314 And I'm so lonely. 703 00:42:54,514 --> 00:42:59,059 And I thought, if I wrote to enough people, 704 00:42:59,060 --> 00:43:02,572 then maybe I would find somebody and, oh... 705 00:43:03,398 --> 00:43:06,576 I watched so much Discovery Channel. 706 00:43:15,994 --> 00:43:17,503 Hold up, hey. 707 00:43:18,413 --> 00:43:19,797 Hey. 708 00:43:22,751 --> 00:43:25,678 I don't care how many other guys you wrote. 709 00:43:26,296 --> 00:43:29,057 I'm just glad I get to meet you. 710 00:43:33,386 --> 00:43:38,849 "I'm glad you confronted me about your feelings, Gina-bo-bina. 711 00:43:38,850 --> 00:43:43,938 I see now that the way I treated you was wrong." 712 00:43:43,939 --> 00:43:46,031 "Thank you, Mom. 713 00:43:46,357 --> 00:43:50,078 I feel so much better about our relationship. 714 00:43:50,779 --> 00:43:53,831 If you weren't dead, I'd hug you." 715 00:43:54,532 --> 00:43:58,753 "I think you forgot that anything is possible... 716 00:44:00,121 --> 00:44:02,507 in your imagination." 717 00:44:03,666 --> 00:44:05,343 You hug. You hug. 718 00:44:06,419 --> 00:44:07,803 Oh. 719 00:44:10,173 --> 00:44:12,341 Very nice, ladies. 720 00:44:12,342 --> 00:44:16,095 And a big hand to Gina who shared a piece of her life with us. 721 00:44:18,014 --> 00:44:20,975 Dead is dead is gone forever. 722 00:44:20,976 --> 00:44:23,518 You don't say that you can still give hugs. 723 00:44:23,519 --> 00:44:25,280 It's irresponsible. 724 00:44:26,189 --> 00:44:27,272 Because you can't. 725 00:44:27,273 --> 00:44:30,109 You regularly talk to a mop. 726 00:44:30,110 --> 00:44:31,318 Burn! 727 00:44:31,319 --> 00:44:32,870 Okay. 728 00:44:33,113 --> 00:44:34,497 Okay. 729 00:44:36,491 --> 00:44:38,209 You did great. 730 00:44:39,077 --> 00:44:40,670 Who's next? 731 00:44:43,664 --> 00:44:45,883 Come on... 732 00:44:46,459 --> 00:44:48,719 Anyone? 733 00:45:00,932 --> 00:45:02,567 Ahh! 734 00:45:09,149 --> 00:45:10,491 Ahh! 735 00:45:17,240 --> 00:45:19,900 This is the fuckwad who rejected you? 736 00:45:20,076 --> 00:45:24,004 It's not like I'm looking at God's gift here. 737 00:45:24,747 --> 00:45:26,299 Right? 738 00:45:27,625 --> 00:45:28,959 I remember you. 739 00:45:28,960 --> 00:45:33,223 What do you want us to do with him? 740 00:45:37,468 --> 00:45:40,179 "Cut out his gall bladder!" 741 00:45:40,180 --> 00:45:43,015 "Please, no! I was dummy. 742 00:45:43,016 --> 00:45:45,309 I made big mistake. 743 00:45:45,310 --> 00:45:49,396 You are strong and beautiful, like a horse. 744 00:45:49,397 --> 00:45:51,190 Please, forgive me." 745 00:45:54,610 --> 00:45:56,787 "Too late for sorry, now. 746 00:45:59,324 --> 00:46:01,208 Kill him!" 747 00:46:01,492 --> 00:46:06,839 "I must die now for being the worst person. 748 00:46:07,165 --> 00:46:10,385 I accept your wisdom. 749 00:46:11,086 --> 00:46:12,720 Girl power." 750 00:46:22,430 --> 00:46:25,724 "And now I eat his..." 751 00:46:25,725 --> 00:46:28,727 Okay, I don't feel comfortable saying this. It's disgusting. 752 00:46:28,728 --> 00:46:30,729 Okay, okay. We can stop here. 753 00:46:30,730 --> 00:46:33,607 I did say to re-imagine old resentments, 754 00:46:33,608 --> 00:46:36,452 but I think you took this a little too far to be constructive. 755 00:46:37,403 --> 00:46:38,612 I liked it. 756 00:46:49,249 --> 00:46:50,716 All fake. 757 00:46:51,334 --> 00:46:52,802 Showbiz. 758 00:46:53,336 --> 00:46:55,513 Yeah, see... 759 00:47:01,886 --> 00:47:03,887 Hey, Big Talkin' Missy. 760 00:47:03,888 --> 00:47:05,972 Out of the kitchen, into the sweatshop. 761 00:47:05,973 --> 00:47:07,807 Turns out your mobility ain't so upwards, huh? 762 00:47:07,808 --> 00:47:09,684 Fuck off, Ruiz. 763 00:47:09,685 --> 00:47:11,728 At least my hair doesn't smell like a deep fryer. 764 00:47:12,980 --> 00:47:16,033 Uh-uh. I'm gonna eat one of them kosher meals y'all got back there. 765 00:47:16,859 --> 00:47:17,984 You ain't even Jewish. 766 00:47:17,985 --> 00:47:20,371 You think you know my life? 767 00:47:21,114 --> 00:47:23,532 - Fine. - Yeah. 768 00:47:23,533 --> 00:47:25,460 Shabbat shalom, bitch. 769 00:47:26,411 --> 00:47:28,787 How much longer you gonna stay mad? 770 00:47:28,788 --> 00:47:32,374 Man, do you know how hard it is to get a squirrel into a laundry bag? 771 00:47:32,375 --> 00:47:33,917 No. 772 00:47:33,918 --> 00:47:36,753 I took it a little too far, hooch jacking you. 773 00:47:36,754 --> 00:47:40,132 But you was pissin' and settin' traps like Elmer Fudd. 774 00:47:40,133 --> 00:47:42,810 Man, the shit was funny. 775 00:47:45,971 --> 00:47:48,515 But also, I was worried about you. 776 00:47:48,516 --> 00:47:50,725 Well, you know, if I was worried about you, 777 00:47:50,726 --> 00:47:53,187 I'd have made you some goddamn soup or something. 778 00:47:53,188 --> 00:47:54,947 Excellent point. 779 00:47:55,565 --> 00:47:58,108 But you think you might want to cut down on the sauce, though? 780 00:47:58,109 --> 00:48:00,026 Like, just to make sure you can? 781 00:48:00,027 --> 00:48:02,612 - I ain't hurtin' nobody. - Um... 782 00:48:02,613 --> 00:48:05,490 Excuse me, Miss Poussey? This is your liver speakin'... 783 00:48:05,491 --> 00:48:08,293 It just makes me feel better, okay? 784 00:48:09,954 --> 00:48:12,382 It makes me feel like I can get through this. 785 00:48:15,418 --> 00:48:17,052 Come with me to AA. 786 00:48:17,462 --> 00:48:19,296 Come on, man. It'll be fun. 787 00:48:19,297 --> 00:48:21,465 You ain't even a addict! 788 00:48:21,466 --> 00:48:24,801 You just make up crazy stories about shit that ain't even happened. 789 00:48:24,802 --> 00:48:25,927 - So? - And then everybody 790 00:48:25,928 --> 00:48:28,180 gotta listen to you. It's your personal open mic night. 791 00:48:28,181 --> 00:48:32,392 Well, instead of poetry slam, it's like poetry slammer. 792 00:48:32,393 --> 00:48:33,518 No. 793 00:48:33,519 --> 00:48:36,521 Come on, like, "Give us, us freestyle." 794 00:48:36,522 --> 00:48:39,233 Oh, you pullin' out the Amistad, now. Damn. 795 00:48:42,987 --> 00:48:46,331 I just feel like this place is beatin' me down. 796 00:48:48,784 --> 00:48:51,953 I don't need no audience to talk at. 797 00:48:54,874 --> 00:48:57,259 I need a girlfriend. 798 00:48:59,337 --> 00:49:01,305 Like, a real one. 799 00:49:01,881 --> 00:49:03,265 You know? 800 00:49:06,136 --> 00:49:07,562 Love. 801 00:49:11,474 --> 00:49:15,894 MCC is looking to train you for your job on the outside. 802 00:49:15,895 --> 00:49:18,280 See human resources. 803 00:49:27,282 --> 00:49:28,749 No! 804 00:49:33,163 --> 00:49:35,539 O'Neill, I hired a new guard. 805 00:49:35,540 --> 00:49:37,166 First of many. 806 00:49:37,167 --> 00:49:40,678 And I'm gonna need you guys to show him the ropes. 807 00:49:42,463 --> 00:49:44,474 Help yourself. 808 00:49:48,553 --> 00:49:50,720 Red velvet is shit. 809 00:49:57,102 --> 00:49:58,937 You like Bo Derek. 810 00:49:58,938 --> 00:50:01,240 Tarzan, 1981. 811 00:50:02,942 --> 00:50:05,995 Please pretend that you didn't just see this. 812 00:50:08,072 --> 00:50:10,199 I don't see nothing. 813 00:50:10,200 --> 00:50:12,710 I just wanted to feel pretty. 814 00:50:21,252 --> 00:50:22,928 Chang? 815 00:50:25,465 --> 00:50:28,518 I'm... sorry about the other day. 816 00:50:30,345 --> 00:50:32,688 Thank you, lesbian. 817 00:50:40,646 --> 00:50:43,699 What do you want us to do with him? 818 00:50:50,197 --> 00:50:54,168 You will always be an ugly girl who no one wants. 819 00:50:54,785 --> 00:50:57,287 Whether I live 820 00:50:57,288 --> 00:50:59,248 or die, 821 00:50:59,249 --> 00:51:01,551 nothing will change that. 822 00:51:04,420 --> 00:51:06,096 He's right. 823 00:51:09,759 --> 00:51:11,435 Nothing will change. 824 00:51:12,928 --> 00:51:14,220 Mei! 825 00:51:14,221 --> 00:51:15,898 What should we do with him? 826 00:51:17,683 --> 00:51:19,694 Should we let him go? 827 00:51:22,688 --> 00:51:24,323 Nah. 828 00:51:25,775 --> 00:51:27,577 Cut out his gall bladder. 829 00:51:29,654 --> 00:51:30,945 No! 830 00:51:57,139 --> 00:52:00,150 Ay, coño. Hey! Cuidado. 831 00:52:11,028 --> 00:52:12,747 I'm back.