1 00:00:03,130 --> 00:00:07,210 # Read about the things that happen throughout the world 2 00:00:08,690 --> 00:00:12,170 # Don't believe in everything you see or hear 3 00:00:14,450 --> 00:00:17,330 # Read all about it 4 00:00:17,330 --> 00:00:19,530 # Read all about it 5 00:00:19,530 --> 00:00:21,010 # News of the world 6 00:00:21,010 --> 00:00:22,610 # News of the world 7 00:00:22,610 --> 00:00:25,530 # Read all about it 8 00:00:25,530 --> 00:00:27,730 # Read all about it 9 00:00:27,730 --> 00:00:29,050 # News of the world 10 00:00:29,050 --> 00:00:30,730 ♪ News of the world. ♪ 11 00:00:30,730 --> 00:00:33,410 APPLAUSE 12 00:00:33,410 --> 00:00:37,290 Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. 13 00:00:37,290 --> 00:00:38,890 I'm Dara O Briain. 14 00:00:38,890 --> 00:00:41,570 Joining me this week are Josh Widdicombe, Zoe Lyons 15 00:00:41,570 --> 00:00:43,210 and Matt Forde. 16 00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:45,490 Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones. 17 00:00:45,490 --> 00:00:46,810 APPLAUSE 18 00:00:53,010 --> 00:00:54,290 We start with a round called 19 00:00:54,290 --> 00:00:56,330 If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question? 20 00:00:56,330 --> 00:00:59,330 On the board are six categories. Matt, which category would you like? 21 00:00:59,330 --> 00:01:01,810 - World News, please. - OK, World News it is. 22 00:01:01,810 --> 00:01:03,250 The answer is... 23 00:01:05,050 --> 00:01:06,530 What is the question? 24 00:01:06,530 --> 00:01:09,410 Is it the three middle names of Princess Charlotte? 25 00:01:11,130 --> 00:01:14,450 Is it what three things might a Greek keep in a chicken? 26 00:01:18,930 --> 00:01:21,770 Is it what do gangsters play instead of rock, paper, scissors? 27 00:01:23,530 --> 00:01:26,490 Is it what three things are keeping Keith Richards alive? 28 00:01:28,810 --> 00:01:30,890 Is it what in the Sound of Music, 29 00:01:30,890 --> 00:01:34,250 are the von Trapp family's real favourite things? 30 00:01:36,690 --> 00:01:38,730 What are the three characters 31 00:01:38,730 --> 00:01:40,890 called on a packet of Colombian Rice Krispies? 32 00:01:44,290 --> 00:01:47,330 Is it what three things are we being paid in this evening? 33 00:01:48,330 --> 00:01:49,930 All together in one big bucket. 34 00:01:49,930 --> 00:01:52,450 What will the motto be for the Qatar World Cup? 35 00:01:55,210 --> 00:01:56,490 APPLAUSE 36 00:01:58,530 --> 00:02:02,250 Is it complete the song Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew? 37 00:02:05,450 --> 00:02:09,010 - That probably scans. - It would be a much better song, wouldn't it? 38 00:02:09,010 --> 00:02:12,930 What are the three main aisles in a Bolivian Waitrose? 39 00:02:16,930 --> 00:02:18,610 You know that tattoo you got 40 00:02:18,610 --> 00:02:22,130 that you think says peace, love and harmony...? 41 00:02:25,450 --> 00:02:27,090 APPLAUSE 42 00:02:29,170 --> 00:02:30,690 Is it to do with Greece? 43 00:02:30,690 --> 00:02:32,130 It is to do with Greece. 44 00:02:32,130 --> 00:02:35,010 What three things are they warning Greece are about to run out of? 45 00:02:35,010 --> 00:02:37,810 - Very good. Thank you, Ed Byrne. - APPLAUSE 46 00:02:40,050 --> 00:02:43,610 The question I was looking for is what items are at risk of running 47 00:02:43,610 --> 00:02:47,370 out in Greece after Sunday's crucial vote on the EU's bailout terms? 48 00:02:47,370 --> 00:02:49,890 This is the news that 61% of the Greek population 49 00:02:49,890 --> 00:02:51,810 voted against accepting the strict 50 00:02:51,810 --> 00:02:54,130 austerity measures proposed by the EU. 51 00:02:54,130 --> 00:02:56,610 There is now a real risk the country will run out 52 00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:58,210 of money, fuel and medicine. 53 00:02:58,210 --> 00:03:00,930 - So what does this all mean for Greece? - It's ridiculous now. 54 00:03:00,930 --> 00:03:02,970 The whole thing is like a soap opera. 55 00:03:02,970 --> 00:03:05,330 I don't watch the Eurozone crisis day to day. 56 00:03:05,330 --> 00:03:07,410 I wait till Sunday and watch the omnibus. 57 00:03:09,530 --> 00:03:12,570 This thing of referring to the Greek exit as Grexit. 58 00:03:12,570 --> 00:03:15,410 It's like are you in that much of a hurry 59 00:03:15,410 --> 00:03:17,450 that you couldn't say a third syllable? 60 00:03:18,890 --> 00:03:23,170 If the British exit happens it's going to be called Brixit. 61 00:03:23,170 --> 00:03:26,210 Sounds like a cheap form of Lego or what the Greek Prime Minister 62 00:03:26,210 --> 00:03:28,490 does every time he meets Angela Merkel. 63 00:03:31,330 --> 00:03:32,610 APPLAUSE 64 00:03:35,330 --> 00:03:39,970 I didn't know you could reject bank's demands. 65 00:03:39,970 --> 00:03:42,930 If I had known that my whole life would have been different. 66 00:03:42,930 --> 00:03:44,810 If I had been able to go to the bank and go, 67 00:03:44,810 --> 00:03:48,450 "Well, I do owe you ten grand but I really like my lifestyle." 68 00:03:49,890 --> 00:03:51,730 It could be a misselling scandal. 69 00:03:51,730 --> 00:03:54,690 As far as I'm aware Greece was never made to sign that box that says, 70 00:03:54,690 --> 00:03:57,730 "Your home is at risk if you do not keep up the repayments." 71 00:03:57,730 --> 00:03:59,930 You think they're waiting for the PPI? 72 00:04:01,010 --> 00:04:03,490 That's the one thing that will bail them out. 73 00:04:03,490 --> 00:04:05,850 Apparently the Greek government have admitted that 74 00:04:05,850 --> 00:04:08,250 living in their past is their Achilles heel. 75 00:04:08,250 --> 00:04:09,810 MUTED LAUGHTER 76 00:04:12,090 --> 00:04:14,690 No-one was expecting that reaction, were they? 77 00:04:15,730 --> 00:04:17,610 Oxi they went. Oxi to that. 78 00:04:19,650 --> 00:04:22,970 I think it's a case that if they want to bail themselves out 79 00:04:22,970 --> 00:04:25,930 they have to invoke copyright law on all the stuff 80 00:04:25,930 --> 00:04:27,930 they invented some time ago now. 81 00:04:27,930 --> 00:04:31,930 But that they definitely invented, like democracy, triangles and gays. 82 00:04:34,610 --> 00:04:39,130 - Philosophy, as well. Birthplace of philosophy, isn't it? - Or was it? 83 00:04:40,330 --> 00:04:42,890 APPLAUSE 84 00:04:45,690 --> 00:04:48,090 There's a professional philosopher at home going, 85 00:04:48,090 --> 00:04:50,050 "That's not what philosophy is." 86 00:04:50,050 --> 00:04:51,850 It's not just going, "Or is it?" 87 00:04:53,050 --> 00:04:55,290 I think there's a lot of opportunities in Greece. 88 00:04:55,290 --> 00:04:57,290 I'm going to start a band called Cash Machine 89 00:04:57,290 --> 00:05:00,250 because people would be queueing around the block. 90 00:05:01,850 --> 00:05:05,370 But we've been told if we go on holiday to Greece that we 91 00:05:05,370 --> 00:05:07,250 should take lots and lots of money with us. 92 00:05:07,250 --> 00:05:09,130 - Yes. - To rub it in? 93 00:05:11,090 --> 00:05:13,330 I think it's to pay your kidnappers. 94 00:05:15,130 --> 00:05:18,370 There's a ploy behind telling tourists to bring as much 95 00:05:18,370 --> 00:05:19,530 cash as possible. 96 00:05:19,530 --> 00:05:21,610 Cos they know there will be a load of overweight, 97 00:05:21,610 --> 00:05:25,610 old British tourists with massive bum bags of cash round the front. 98 00:05:25,610 --> 00:05:28,050 They're basically just sitting human ATM machines. 99 00:05:28,050 --> 00:05:29,290 That's all they are. 100 00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:33,130 The muggers line up behind the tourists while one of them 101 00:05:33,130 --> 00:05:36,010 says, "No, 60 euros each. That is the limit 102 00:05:36,010 --> 00:05:39,090 "for mugging these people. That's it." 103 00:05:42,370 --> 00:05:44,650 Someone started a crowdfunding for Greece 104 00:05:44,650 --> 00:05:46,730 and it's got less than the Crystal Maze. 105 00:05:48,210 --> 00:05:51,970 Because people would prefer to go to the Aztec Zone than Athens. 106 00:05:51,970 --> 00:05:53,370 That is a fact. 107 00:05:54,810 --> 00:05:58,290 If I said to you, "I can take you to the Aztec Zone or Athens?" 108 00:05:58,290 --> 00:06:04,610 - You'd be in there like a whippet, Dara. - I will choose a mind puzzle. 109 00:06:05,810 --> 00:06:08,970 I am already wondering which little square I'm going to go into. 110 00:06:08,970 --> 00:06:11,210 In there like a whippet? 111 00:06:11,210 --> 00:06:12,850 I've known him for a long time, 112 00:06:12,850 --> 00:06:15,090 Dara has never done anything like a whippet. 113 00:06:16,730 --> 00:06:18,330 Particularly harsh. 114 00:06:18,330 --> 00:06:19,530 APPLAUSE 115 00:06:21,050 --> 00:06:22,850 You've never seen him shit in a park. 116 00:06:24,090 --> 00:06:25,650 I think you'll find... 117 00:06:25,650 --> 00:06:27,290 I am not... 118 00:06:27,290 --> 00:06:28,970 He does it like a Great Dane. 119 00:06:30,010 --> 00:06:31,730 The way he locks eyes with you. 120 00:06:33,370 --> 00:06:36,410 This is for you. This is for you, Byrne. 121 00:06:36,410 --> 00:06:39,490 I'm glad we've dealt with Greece. 122 00:06:39,490 --> 00:06:42,530 Has anybody noticed Dara's eye, by the way? 123 00:06:42,530 --> 00:06:46,450 Is it off-putting? Do you think the people at home would be concerned? 124 00:06:46,450 --> 00:06:49,250 - What has happened? - It's a little sty. It got infected. 125 00:06:49,250 --> 00:06:50,890 Is that really it? 126 00:06:53,050 --> 00:06:55,490 - No, it's a... - Has Brian Cox been beating you again? 127 00:06:57,490 --> 00:07:00,250 Look into the telescope. Look hard into the telescope. 128 00:07:00,250 --> 00:07:01,970 He bruised my eye ramming it in. 129 00:07:03,850 --> 00:07:07,130 That will hurt you. That's my good eye, Brian! 130 00:07:07,130 --> 00:07:09,730 He's trying to turn you into Patrick Moore. 131 00:07:14,010 --> 00:07:15,690 APPLAUSE 132 00:07:15,690 --> 00:07:19,170 They gave me an eye patch. This will be much more subtle. 133 00:07:19,170 --> 00:07:20,570 If I'm sat here... 134 00:07:21,810 --> 00:07:23,890 If I presented the entire show like that 135 00:07:23,890 --> 00:07:25,970 because I've got a tiny infection in my eye. 136 00:07:25,970 --> 00:07:29,770 To be fair, I have a secret desire to have an eye patch. 137 00:07:29,770 --> 00:07:32,130 I don't want to ever lose an eye. 138 00:07:32,130 --> 00:07:34,690 That's not how much I want to have an eye patch. 139 00:07:34,690 --> 00:07:36,170 But I think they're cool. 140 00:07:37,810 --> 00:07:39,490 Something massively impressive 141 00:07:39,490 --> 00:07:42,370 because a guy with an eye patch, shit has happened. 142 00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:45,770 Also, you can do this. 143 00:07:45,770 --> 00:07:47,410 Sexy! 144 00:07:49,530 --> 00:07:53,210 The final part of undressing in a sexy way would be to 145 00:07:53,210 --> 00:07:56,090 - take off the eye patch and thwack. - You could take my eye out. 146 00:07:57,650 --> 00:08:01,050 In other news, what do doctors want us to stop using? 147 00:08:01,050 --> 00:08:03,450 Their waiting rooms to sleep in. 148 00:08:06,010 --> 00:08:08,850 People taking helium and enjoying it and they speak very highly. 149 00:08:12,530 --> 00:08:14,050 APPLAUSE 150 00:08:16,450 --> 00:08:18,490 Bizarrely, that's correct. 151 00:08:20,610 --> 00:08:23,530 HIGH-PITCHED: It's a finite resource 152 00:08:23,530 --> 00:08:26,090 and it's needed for MRI scanners. 153 00:08:26,090 --> 00:08:30,730 And whatnot. It's being used up on fripperies like balloons. 154 00:08:30,730 --> 00:08:34,370 - Squeaky voices. - I'm doing this one without it. 155 00:08:36,610 --> 00:08:39,410 They're worried that instead of helium in balloons 156 00:08:39,410 --> 00:08:41,890 they will start using 157 00:08:41,890 --> 00:08:44,890 nitrous oxide in balloons but it is laughing gas. 158 00:08:44,890 --> 00:08:48,290 So then they have to worry that kids will get high on their balloons, 159 00:08:48,290 --> 00:08:51,210 if we end up having to do party balloons with nitrous oxide. 160 00:08:51,210 --> 00:08:54,970 If you're worried about kids getting high on nitrous oxide balloons, 161 00:08:54,970 --> 00:08:58,210 you can surely get high on a helium balloon just by holding on to it. 162 00:09:01,330 --> 00:09:05,530 I was doing a gig at Bestival and you can hear 163 00:09:05,530 --> 00:09:09,410 when people are taking nitrous you can hear it cos there's an audible... 164 00:09:09,410 --> 00:09:11,610 HE HISSES Cos they do it into a balloon 165 00:09:11,610 --> 00:09:14,090 and into their mouth to give themselves a giggle. 166 00:09:14,090 --> 00:09:16,610 People were doing it at my gig. 167 00:09:21,290 --> 00:09:23,610 That's quite a cruel heckle. 168 00:09:23,610 --> 00:09:26,770 "I'm going to need something to get through this." 169 00:09:28,290 --> 00:09:30,810 Is it not true that you deliver one of your trademark jokes 170 00:09:30,810 --> 00:09:32,610 - and the crowd goes... - INHALES 171 00:09:34,210 --> 00:09:38,570 I found out those canisters they suck it from are called whippets. 172 00:09:38,570 --> 00:09:41,090 The little canisters of nitrous oxide. 173 00:09:41,090 --> 00:09:44,530 Somebody said to me, "The kids are sucking whippets in the park." 174 00:09:44,530 --> 00:09:46,970 I was like, "Oh, my God, do I need to call the RSPCA?" 175 00:09:49,490 --> 00:09:51,890 How do scientists think the universe will end? 176 00:09:51,890 --> 00:09:53,410 Spoiler alert. 177 00:09:56,610 --> 00:09:58,530 APPLAUSE 178 00:10:01,450 --> 00:10:03,930 - There's a thing called The Big Rip. - Yes. 179 00:10:03,930 --> 00:10:06,570 The universe is sort of accelerating so fast, 180 00:10:06,570 --> 00:10:08,370 and getting faster and faster, 181 00:10:08,370 --> 00:10:11,370 - that eventually it'll just rip itself apart. - Yeah. 182 00:10:11,370 --> 00:10:13,050 Is that right? And that'll be the end. 183 00:10:13,050 --> 00:10:15,090 They say, how do scientists now think - 184 00:10:15,090 --> 00:10:18,610 what other nonsense have scientists just made up? 185 00:10:18,610 --> 00:10:23,130 - Ha, ha! - What MIGHT happen 20 billion years from now, 186 00:10:23,130 --> 00:10:26,090 when no-one's around to say, "Oh, you got that one wrong." 187 00:10:26,090 --> 00:10:29,730 It's just nonsense that HIS mate Brian... 188 00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:34,530 natters on about to keep himself siphoning BBC funds 189 00:10:34,530 --> 00:10:38,690 - into his big fat bank account. - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 190 00:10:42,490 --> 00:10:46,210 Me and Brian on the astronomy gravy train! 191 00:10:46,210 --> 00:10:48,930 With all those millionaire... 192 00:10:48,930 --> 00:10:50,370 "Ahh! 193 00:10:50,370 --> 00:10:52,690 "Making it rain! 194 00:10:52,690 --> 00:10:55,930 "Look at the big bang now, bitches!" 195 00:10:55,930 --> 00:10:57,410 What will happen, though - 196 00:10:57,410 --> 00:10:59,810 they're saying this might happen in 22 billion years - 197 00:10:59,810 --> 00:11:01,250 you can guarantee it'll be the day 198 00:11:01,250 --> 00:11:04,370 that the Greeks do pay back the last cent that they owe. 199 00:11:04,370 --> 00:11:07,170 - Finally! - "..and ten cents!" 200 00:11:07,170 --> 00:11:08,330 It's called the big rip - 201 00:11:08,330 --> 00:11:11,210 everything's going to continue to accelerate faster and faster 202 00:11:11,210 --> 00:11:12,970 until the whole thing just comes apart. 203 00:11:12,970 --> 00:11:15,010 It's actually an extension of The Big Freeze - 204 00:11:15,010 --> 00:11:17,730 - it's either that or The Big Crunch. - Are they all the same thing? 205 00:11:17,730 --> 00:11:19,770 No - The Big Freeze would happen first, 206 00:11:19,770 --> 00:11:21,530 and then possibly The Big Rip after that. 207 00:11:21,530 --> 00:11:24,530 - And when is Big Yellow Storage? - That is, er... 208 00:11:24,530 --> 00:11:27,010 just off the M4 in Hounslow. 209 00:11:27,010 --> 00:11:28,890 And then there's The Big Ins, 210 00:11:28,890 --> 00:11:32,490 where the whole universe just goes into panto for the rest of its life. 211 00:11:32,490 --> 00:11:34,610 SCATTERED LAUGHTER 212 00:11:34,610 --> 00:11:37,450 - Biggins. - Christopher. - Oh, Biggins! 213 00:11:37,450 --> 00:11:39,250 Wow, that was too long a journey for me. 214 00:11:39,250 --> 00:11:41,170 There was a leap, there. I agree with that. 215 00:11:41,170 --> 00:11:43,330 - I... - Tell me that joke again - I've got some... 216 00:11:43,330 --> 00:11:45,690 HE SNORTS 217 00:11:51,090 --> 00:11:52,770 Oh, no! 218 00:11:52,770 --> 00:11:55,490 Now they're going to have to broadcast my bad joke 219 00:11:55,490 --> 00:11:58,410 for your good joke to work! 220 00:11:58,410 --> 00:12:01,290 - That's the worst thing that can happen to a comedian! - Aww. 221 00:12:01,290 --> 00:12:04,490 You pick on Brian Cox, you pick on me, right? 222 00:12:04,490 --> 00:12:06,410 That's the way this works, my friend. 223 00:12:06,410 --> 00:12:09,970 At the end of that round, the points go to Matt, Zoe and Josh! 224 00:12:09,970 --> 00:12:11,730 APPLAUSE 225 00:12:15,210 --> 00:12:18,490 Now we play a round called Greased Frightenin'! 226 00:12:19,610 --> 00:12:21,290 Oh, dear. 227 00:12:21,290 --> 00:12:22,930 This game involves Zoe and Milton, 228 00:12:22,930 --> 00:12:25,650 so if you could make your way to the performance area, please? 229 00:12:25,650 --> 00:12:27,210 This round's a stand-up challenge. 230 00:12:27,210 --> 00:12:29,730 I launch the Wheel Of News, and wherever it chooses to stop, 231 00:12:29,730 --> 00:12:32,650 one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject. 232 00:12:32,650 --> 00:12:34,650 The winner is whoever I think is the funniest. 233 00:12:34,650 --> 00:12:37,410 OK. Let's spin the wheel for our first topic. 234 00:12:37,410 --> 00:12:39,450 And the topic is Exercise. 235 00:12:42,050 --> 00:12:44,370 We all know we need to do more exercise - 236 00:12:44,370 --> 00:12:47,010 I mean, we've now got the fattest kids in Europe. 237 00:12:47,010 --> 00:12:49,370 I'm not going to make fun out of obese children - 238 00:12:49,370 --> 00:12:50,970 I've learnt not to do that. 239 00:12:50,970 --> 00:12:53,290 They will come down on you like a tonne of bricks. 240 00:12:55,370 --> 00:12:57,890 I didn't like exercising as a kid - when I was a kid, 241 00:12:57,890 --> 00:12:59,730 I was made to go swimming in a pool 242 00:12:59,730 --> 00:13:02,530 that had a verruca pool before you got into it. 243 00:13:02,530 --> 00:13:04,850 The verruca pool - do you remember the verruca pool? 244 00:13:04,850 --> 00:13:08,450 They actually CALLED it "the verruca pool". 245 00:13:08,450 --> 00:13:09,770 You can't encourage children 246 00:13:09,770 --> 00:13:11,730 to walk in something called the verruca pool - 247 00:13:11,730 --> 00:13:14,930 it's like offering somebody the use of your chlamydia flannel, isn't it? 248 00:13:16,690 --> 00:13:19,290 I mean, I try and exercise a bit more now - 249 00:13:19,290 --> 00:13:20,610 I've started doing yoga, 250 00:13:20,610 --> 00:13:23,450 cos apparently it increases your flexibility and spirituality, 251 00:13:23,450 --> 00:13:25,730 and I've got to be honest, it's pretty good. 252 00:13:25,730 --> 00:13:28,010 I'm now so good at the downward-facing dog, 253 00:13:28,010 --> 00:13:31,050 I have on occasion caught glimpses of my own third eye. 254 00:13:35,010 --> 00:13:39,130 I actually did a half marathon, though, a few months ago - 255 00:13:39,130 --> 00:13:40,610 it was pretty good, you know? 256 00:13:40,610 --> 00:13:44,090 I...don't be overly impressed, which you're clearly not. But, um... 257 00:13:45,130 --> 00:13:48,610 I only finished yesterday, so there's clearly a lot of work to be done. 258 00:13:48,610 --> 00:13:50,250 I did the run for charity - 259 00:13:50,250 --> 00:13:52,530 I know a lot of people are doing things for charity. 260 00:13:52,530 --> 00:13:54,330 You can't just exercise, now, can you? 261 00:13:54,330 --> 00:13:55,890 You've gotta do it for a good cause, 262 00:13:55,890 --> 00:13:58,050 and I get a lot of those e-mails - I know we all do - 263 00:13:58,050 --> 00:13:59,970 "Will you sponsor me? Will you sponsor me?" 264 00:13:59,970 --> 00:14:01,410 I'm like, "What are you doing?" 265 00:14:01,410 --> 00:14:03,810 "I'm flip-flopping up Kilimanjaro for diarrhoea." 266 00:14:06,250 --> 00:14:08,890 "I'm pogoing across the Arctic for trapped wind." 267 00:14:08,890 --> 00:14:11,210 "Are you? Don't do that." 268 00:14:11,210 --> 00:14:14,570 I mean, the last London Marathon, it cost me an absolute fortune, 269 00:14:14,570 --> 00:14:16,210 cos I sponsored loads of friends. 270 00:14:16,210 --> 00:14:19,450 I gave one friend 20 quid cos he was doing it for Cancer Research, 271 00:14:19,450 --> 00:14:22,290 another friend 20 quid cos he was doing it for heart disease, 272 00:14:22,290 --> 00:14:24,810 another one 20 quid cos he was doing it for diabetes - 273 00:14:24,810 --> 00:14:27,450 in the end, it was actually cheaper for me to join Bupa. 274 00:14:29,090 --> 00:14:31,330 Thank you, Zoe. 275 00:14:33,730 --> 00:14:35,770 OK, that leaves us with Milton. 276 00:14:35,770 --> 00:14:39,090 Let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel. 277 00:14:39,090 --> 00:14:41,090 And the subject is Work. 278 00:14:46,570 --> 00:14:49,970 I didn't think I'd get a loan from the bank for my knitting business, 279 00:14:49,970 --> 00:14:53,610 but when I turned up actually wearing one of the balaclavas... 280 00:14:59,210 --> 00:15:00,490 I used to be a weatherman. 281 00:15:00,490 --> 00:15:03,450 In fact, does anyone want to buy a broken barometer? 282 00:15:03,450 --> 00:15:05,090 No pressure. 283 00:15:07,970 --> 00:15:09,130 If there'd been a mix-up, 284 00:15:09,130 --> 00:15:12,290 my uncle could've ended up as an ex-President of the United States. 285 00:15:12,290 --> 00:15:15,330 He's an undertaker in the army - or barrack embalmer. 286 00:15:19,370 --> 00:15:21,730 APPLAUSE 287 00:15:23,490 --> 00:15:25,690 Soldiers, of course, very emotionally repressed. 288 00:15:25,690 --> 00:15:28,490 Sometimes you see one of them go into the middle of a parade ground 289 00:15:28,490 --> 00:15:30,130 and shout, "Attention!" 290 00:15:33,410 --> 00:15:35,450 What he needs is a hug. 291 00:15:35,450 --> 00:15:36,890 Well, that's what I thought... 292 00:15:39,330 --> 00:15:40,530 My dad, he was a soldier, 293 00:15:40,530 --> 00:15:43,210 so, of course, as a family, we were always moving around a lot - 294 00:15:43,210 --> 00:15:45,570 cos he used to use us for target practice. 295 00:15:48,370 --> 00:15:51,130 Six hours I had to wait in the other day for the electrician, 296 00:15:51,130 --> 00:15:53,170 till he opened the cupboard under the stairs, 297 00:15:53,170 --> 00:15:55,090 and I was able to leap out at him. 298 00:15:59,290 --> 00:16:02,130 I remember when I was a policeman - I was asked to seal off an area, 299 00:16:02,130 --> 00:16:03,330 and I went... 300 00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:04,730 HE BARKS 301 00:16:07,370 --> 00:16:11,130 - That's all from me, thank you! - Thank you very much! 302 00:16:11,130 --> 00:16:13,170 Points, there, for Milton Jones. 303 00:16:13,170 --> 00:16:14,690 Come on back. 304 00:16:14,690 --> 00:16:17,730 APPLAUSE 305 00:16:20,650 --> 00:16:22,770 OK, the next round is called Picture of the Week. 306 00:16:22,770 --> 00:16:24,170 I show the panel a topical image 307 00:16:24,170 --> 00:16:26,050 and ask them to tell me what's happening. 308 00:16:26,050 --> 00:16:27,250 So, what's going on here? 309 00:16:29,370 --> 00:16:32,130 Have they unveiled the banker on Deal Or No Deal? 310 00:16:33,370 --> 00:16:35,490 That's George Osborne delivering the budget 311 00:16:35,490 --> 00:16:36,890 surrounded by all his friends. 312 00:16:39,690 --> 00:16:41,770 Is it "Mr Bean sets off on a picnic"? 313 00:16:48,850 --> 00:16:52,490 Is the caption quite simply, "Osborne's trousers too short"? 314 00:16:55,010 --> 00:16:59,010 Or is he delighted that the front door doubles as a pause button? 315 00:17:03,050 --> 00:17:05,530 Is it George Osborne with his budget box, 316 00:17:05,530 --> 00:17:08,130 and he's delivering the budget this week? 317 00:17:08,130 --> 00:17:09,930 Yes, it is. Thank you very much, Josh. 318 00:17:13,530 --> 00:17:16,010 I think he - cos it is like the box from Deal Or No Deal, 319 00:17:16,010 --> 00:17:19,250 I think it would be a lot more if he did the budget like that. 320 00:17:19,250 --> 00:17:22,370 So, he goes to the opposition leader, 321 00:17:22,370 --> 00:17:27,850 "I'm going to cut two billion in disability benefit. 322 00:17:27,850 --> 00:17:30,690 "Or, you can have the cut that is in this box. 323 00:17:33,410 --> 00:17:35,730 "Deal or no deal?" 324 00:17:35,730 --> 00:17:38,090 He could have a phone ringing next to him. 325 00:17:38,090 --> 00:17:41,290 - Oh! - That'd be bloody Brussels, I imagine, wouldn't it, Dara? 326 00:17:41,290 --> 00:17:43,130 - Yeah! - The way things are going. 327 00:17:43,130 --> 00:17:45,930 Yeah - they make all the decisions around here! 328 00:17:45,930 --> 00:17:47,610 Urgh! Bloody - murgh! 329 00:17:47,610 --> 00:17:49,250 - Yeah. - Yeah! Yeah. 330 00:17:49,250 --> 00:17:51,530 This show's taken a lurch to the right. 331 00:17:53,010 --> 00:17:55,850 Every budget in my lifetime has unravelled in the weeks afterward. 332 00:17:55,850 --> 00:17:57,730 So, they get the one big hit, everyone says, 333 00:17:57,730 --> 00:18:00,410 "Oh, actually, this sounds all right," and then it unravels. 334 00:18:00,410 --> 00:18:03,410 If you're going to lie in the first place, go triple large on it. 335 00:18:03,410 --> 00:18:05,730 Turn up in the Commons and say, "You know what? 336 00:18:05,730 --> 00:18:08,810 "We've nailed it. We are all...millionaires! 337 00:18:08,810 --> 00:18:12,850 "That's right! No-one's skint any more, and we've solved poverty." 338 00:18:12,850 --> 00:18:16,290 And then at least have one day where people go, "Osborne is a genius." 339 00:18:16,290 --> 00:18:19,170 Just have the one day where you feel like a legend. 340 00:18:19,170 --> 00:18:22,130 I think that's where Greece went wrong, though, isn't it? 341 00:18:23,610 --> 00:18:25,570 APPLAUSE 342 00:18:28,090 --> 00:18:29,130 In sporting news, 343 00:18:29,130 --> 00:18:31,450 who has been causing upset at this year's Wimbledon? 344 00:18:31,450 --> 00:18:33,530 Oh, it's that naughty little Australian man. 345 00:18:33,530 --> 00:18:36,050 There was a naughty little Australian man. Yes, there was. 346 00:18:36,050 --> 00:18:38,010 - Not Rolf Harris? - No, not him! 347 00:18:39,010 --> 00:18:41,490 That would be genuinely disturbing. 348 00:18:41,490 --> 00:18:44,330 "Wikka-wokka-wikka-wokka." You can hear him coming now. 349 00:18:44,330 --> 00:18:45,690 "Wikka-wokka-wikka-wokka." 350 00:18:45,690 --> 00:18:47,970 He's already been caught in the net. 351 00:18:51,970 --> 00:18:54,970 There've been a load of Aussie fanatical fans in the stands, 352 00:18:54,970 --> 00:18:58,730 who've been making loads of noise - and according to that picture, 353 00:18:58,730 --> 00:19:02,250 - Boris Johnson has just joined in the antics as well. - Yes! 354 00:19:02,250 --> 00:19:05,770 The big question about them is, how do they get so many tickets? 355 00:19:05,770 --> 00:19:07,210 - Yes! - It's impossible, isn't it? 356 00:19:07,210 --> 00:19:09,570 They're all working in the bar, and that's their break. 357 00:19:12,050 --> 00:19:13,770 They support Nick Kyrgios, don't they? 358 00:19:13,770 --> 00:19:15,970 - They're called The Fanatics, aren't they? - Yeah. 359 00:19:15,970 --> 00:19:18,210 And they come in, and they specifically support him. 360 00:19:18,210 --> 00:19:19,730 But he absolutely splits opinion, 361 00:19:19,730 --> 00:19:22,610 so in the Australian newspaper this week there was a headline 362 00:19:22,610 --> 00:19:25,130 that went, "Nick Kyrgios - breath of fresh air, 363 00:19:25,130 --> 00:19:26,970 "or a total dickhead?" 364 00:19:28,410 --> 00:19:31,770 What has outraged villagers in the Forest of Dean? 365 00:19:31,770 --> 00:19:33,170 A swinging festival. 366 00:19:33,170 --> 00:19:35,770 There was a swinging festival. Do you know what it was called? 367 00:19:35,770 --> 00:19:38,010 - Swingfields. - Swingfields 2015 took place. 368 00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,770 Yeah, but they had to call it that. 369 00:19:39,770 --> 00:19:41,810 It was either that or Creamfields. 370 00:19:43,370 --> 00:19:44,970 Look at your little face! 371 00:19:44,970 --> 00:19:47,530 Which is what they'll end up with, isn't it? 372 00:19:47,530 --> 00:19:49,770 I mean, it'll be the only festival you need wellies 373 00:19:49,770 --> 00:19:51,090 even if it isn't raining. 374 00:19:53,650 --> 00:19:57,090 There was a quote from a local, a concerned local, 375 00:19:57,090 --> 00:20:00,890 saying that they'd found somebody trying to sneak into the festival 376 00:20:00,890 --> 00:20:02,490 through their back garden. 377 00:20:02,490 --> 00:20:04,650 And they said, "This is unacceptable, 378 00:20:04,650 --> 00:20:08,570 "we're very concerned about who'll come onto our land." 379 00:20:08,570 --> 00:20:10,330 Not me - that's a genuine quote! 380 00:20:10,330 --> 00:20:12,850 Did you see, one of the locals complained 381 00:20:12,850 --> 00:20:14,810 that the music was too loud? 382 00:20:14,810 --> 00:20:19,250 Surely you don't tell them to turn the music down - that is far worse! 383 00:20:19,250 --> 00:20:23,130 It was £165 for the festival, for the entire weekend, 384 00:20:23,130 --> 00:20:27,410 and they're promised a themed zone, a sauna, a hot tub - 385 00:20:27,410 --> 00:20:30,370 I'd use that on a Friday afternoon and then let it go. And... 386 00:20:31,850 --> 00:20:35,130 I was just imagining a field with a massive 387 00:20:35,130 --> 00:20:37,810 bowl of keys in the middle, that's how I was imagining it. 388 00:20:37,810 --> 00:20:41,930 It's the only festival where the car parks are busier than the fields. 389 00:20:41,930 --> 00:20:45,130 It's revolting. I don't even use the toilets at festivals. 390 00:20:45,130 --> 00:20:48,930 The thought of using after the other festivalgoers is just... 391 00:20:49,970 --> 00:20:55,210 I'd insist it was someone with a day ticket, I think, if I was to go. 392 00:20:56,410 --> 00:21:00,170 How do they not call it Ass-tonbury? 393 00:21:00,170 --> 00:21:02,730 Do you know what? My vote was for Twatitude. 394 00:21:02,730 --> 00:21:05,210 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 395 00:21:09,490 --> 00:21:13,090 And in fact, the most popular queue was for the pulled pork stand. 396 00:21:13,090 --> 00:21:16,370 Oh! Come along. 397 00:21:16,370 --> 00:21:19,330 Thank you very much. Thank you very much. 398 00:21:19,330 --> 00:21:24,130 I've taken some various elements and brought them together in that joke. 399 00:21:24,130 --> 00:21:25,610 - Put it on again. - Put it on again? 400 00:21:25,610 --> 00:21:27,730 The eye patch, yeah. Put it on again. Go on, go on. 401 00:21:27,730 --> 00:21:29,530 "Oh, you looked funny. You looked funny. 402 00:21:29,530 --> 00:21:31,490 "Do the thing where you looked funny again." 403 00:21:31,490 --> 00:21:34,570 You know when we made you look like the guy off the back of a fucking 404 00:21:34,570 --> 00:21:37,290 bus and for three years, everyone sends you photographs 405 00:21:37,290 --> 00:21:40,290 of a cartoon man on the back of the bus, every day on Twitter. 406 00:21:40,290 --> 00:21:43,530 "Hey, Dara. I saw you in Manchester today." "Huh?" Click. 407 00:21:43,530 --> 00:21:45,850 "Oh, bollocks! That man on the back of a bus again." 408 00:21:45,850 --> 00:21:49,170 Do that with an eye patch and then for years, every eye patch person 409 00:21:49,170 --> 00:21:53,170 in the universe, I will get sent him on Twitter. Happy? There. 410 00:21:53,170 --> 00:21:55,970 I think on my nose, is that all right? Is that all right? 411 00:21:55,970 --> 00:22:01,210 On my nose. Oh, wow, it looks like I'm wearing a G string. 412 00:22:01,210 --> 00:22:04,330 Marketing people are clever. That bloke on the back of a Megabus 413 00:22:04,330 --> 00:22:06,410 is going to have an eye patch by next week. 414 00:22:06,410 --> 00:22:07,810 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 415 00:22:11,530 --> 00:22:14,930 At the end of that, the points go to Ed, Hugh and Milton. 416 00:22:14,930 --> 00:22:17,450 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 417 00:22:19,890 --> 00:22:22,130 Now we've come to scenes we'd like to see, 418 00:22:22,130 --> 00:22:25,010 so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area. 419 00:22:25,010 --> 00:22:26,530 I'll read out this week's topics 420 00:22:26,530 --> 00:22:29,130 and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with. 421 00:22:30,250 --> 00:22:33,010 OK, here we go. The first subject is... 422 00:22:38,570 --> 00:22:42,410 Embarrassing, humiliating, bringing shame on the sport. 423 00:22:42,410 --> 00:22:45,370 Welcome to Wimbledon 2Day with me, Clare Balding. 424 00:22:49,930 --> 00:22:51,530 And it all comes to this. 425 00:22:51,530 --> 00:22:54,570 After years of training and preparation, 426 00:22:54,570 --> 00:22:57,610 I'm commentating on the poxy water polo. 427 00:23:01,450 --> 00:23:04,530 Mo Farah has apologised for his association with 428 00:23:04,530 --> 00:23:07,330 substances that the British public regard as abhorrent 429 00:23:07,330 --> 00:23:10,250 and has said he will never advertise Quorn again. 430 00:23:16,490 --> 00:23:20,170 Welcome back to the golf where Tiger Woods apparently travels with 431 00:23:20,170 --> 00:23:24,010 two inflatable sex dolls now in case he gets a hole in one. 432 00:23:26,970 --> 00:23:30,410 And he's found a chocolate biscuit down the back of the sofa 433 00:23:30,410 --> 00:23:33,690 but he's not going to celebrate, because it's his old Club. 434 00:23:38,250 --> 00:23:41,810 And he's resting two balls on the cushion there, which is why 435 00:23:41,810 --> 00:23:43,890 he won't be allowed back into IKEA. 436 00:23:47,850 --> 00:23:51,650 And he pops the cork and he's spraying everyone with champagne. 437 00:23:51,650 --> 00:23:55,210 Welcome to the first Conservative budget since 1996. 438 00:23:59,930 --> 00:24:02,250 Here we are at the Crucible 439 00:24:02,250 --> 00:24:05,690 all burning to death! Arghhh! 440 00:24:10,930 --> 00:24:15,890 Well, that was the speed skating and now crack cocaine curling. 441 00:24:20,090 --> 00:24:23,610 The American and the Russian are out in front and here comes the fin. 442 00:24:23,610 --> 00:24:25,530 Yes, there're going to swim a lot faster 443 00:24:25,530 --> 00:24:27,010 now the shark is chasing them. 444 00:24:31,410 --> 00:24:35,370 And so they've brought up a curtain around the horse that fell earlier, 445 00:24:35,370 --> 00:24:36,970 but no, we've got good news. 446 00:24:36,970 --> 00:24:39,450 He's moved to a farm in the countryside. 447 00:24:43,210 --> 00:24:45,090 Well, here we are at the Rugby League. 448 00:24:45,090 --> 00:24:47,650 It's tough men, it's better than Rugby Union 449 00:24:47,650 --> 00:24:51,970 and, at the same time, ever so slightly more gay. 450 00:24:58,690 --> 00:25:01,770 And this decision is going to a touch judge and yes, 451 00:25:01,770 --> 00:25:03,490 it's sexual harassment. 452 00:25:07,690 --> 00:25:12,050 Well, this is his third attempt with the bar at this height. 453 00:25:12,050 --> 00:25:14,370 Nope, still can't get served. 454 00:25:19,450 --> 00:25:21,930 And here come the two Red Bulls, which is what you 455 00:25:21,930 --> 00:25:24,970 will need to keep yourself awake during Formula One. 456 00:25:29,690 --> 00:25:33,410 I'm joined here by Balding, or Alan Shearer as he likes to be known. 457 00:25:37,130 --> 00:25:42,810 Raikkonen now on super-soft, the Viagra simply not working. 458 00:25:47,490 --> 00:25:49,810 And if you want to find out what this function key 459 00:25:49,810 --> 00:25:53,410 on the keyboard does, join us after the break on F1. 460 00:25:56,930 --> 00:25:59,890 And after the break, join me, Clare Balding, presenting everything. 461 00:25:59,890 --> 00:26:03,330 I present everything now. Everything is mine. Everything. 462 00:26:06,690 --> 00:26:10,730 OK. The next topic is... 463 00:26:15,010 --> 00:26:18,130 There's something about eating food that's come from your own garden. 464 00:26:18,130 --> 00:26:19,370 This is quite a hearty stew 465 00:26:19,370 --> 00:26:21,770 I've made out of a squirrel I shot with an air rifle. 466 00:26:25,530 --> 00:26:27,090 Well, to answer your question, 467 00:26:27,090 --> 00:26:29,090 I tend to keep mine on a hose reel 468 00:26:29,090 --> 00:26:31,450 but then, I'm very lucky down there. 469 00:26:37,130 --> 00:26:40,490 These pine trees smell suspiciously of air freshener. 470 00:26:46,130 --> 00:26:49,330 My advice would be don't splash out on expensive gnomes. 471 00:26:49,330 --> 00:26:51,930 Do what I do and just simply varnish some small children 472 00:26:51,930 --> 00:26:53,530 I found playing in the park. 473 00:26:56,610 --> 00:26:59,810 I called this my Blue Peter garden because it's the first place 474 00:26:59,810 --> 00:27:00,850 I blew Peter. 475 00:27:00,850 --> 00:27:03,410 AUDIENCE GROANS 476 00:27:08,170 --> 00:27:11,250 Remember, the trick is to get your pitchfork right through it 477 00:27:11,250 --> 00:27:14,450 before you take it and throw it back over the fence. 478 00:27:17,970 --> 00:27:21,410 Well, we've had a letter from Mrs Smith of Epsom who's asked us 479 00:27:21,410 --> 00:27:23,890 to identify something that she has found in her garden. 480 00:27:23,890 --> 00:27:27,690 Well, Mrs Smith, that is a dog turd. 481 00:27:32,970 --> 00:27:36,410 I've got a letter here from Maureen in Doncaster who's asking 482 00:27:36,410 --> 00:27:37,850 a question about herbs. 483 00:27:37,850 --> 00:27:40,330 In response to your letter, Maureen, I would 484 00:27:40,330 --> 00:27:44,010 recommend about £200 for an ounce, and if it's really good shit, 300. 485 00:27:48,050 --> 00:27:49,730 Well, that is the wheelbarrow, 486 00:27:49,730 --> 00:27:52,770 and tomorrow, I'll show you another sexual position. 487 00:27:58,410 --> 00:28:02,170 So, it's quite simple to take up an old patio. All you do is... 488 00:28:04,690 --> 00:28:06,650 Just leave it. 489 00:28:06,650 --> 00:28:08,450 Let's not talk about it ever again. 490 00:28:11,770 --> 00:28:15,410 I woke up in a field of aubergines the other day. 491 00:28:15,410 --> 00:28:19,010 I thought, "None of these baby seals have faces." 492 00:28:25,410 --> 00:28:27,450 Right. Welcome to the Ukip gardens. 493 00:28:27,450 --> 00:28:30,410 Sod the lawns, let's concentrate on them borders. 494 00:28:35,010 --> 00:28:37,090 So you could use a lawnmower or a strimmer, 495 00:28:37,090 --> 00:28:40,050 although I would recommend waxing. 496 00:28:44,930 --> 00:28:48,250 Take the shovel, force it right down like that, 497 00:28:48,250 --> 00:28:51,890 save you a fortune in vets' fees having it put down professionally. 498 00:28:57,850 --> 00:29:02,210 Help! I'm being attacked by pineapples! Help! Help! Help! 499 00:29:07,250 --> 00:29:09,530 I like to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. 500 00:29:09,530 --> 00:29:11,770 People say to me, "How do you find the thyme?" 501 00:29:11,770 --> 00:29:14,890 I say, "It's there, next to the sage!" 502 00:29:14,890 --> 00:29:16,930 Bravo. 503 00:29:16,930 --> 00:29:20,570 At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and Milton. 504 00:29:20,570 --> 00:29:22,730 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 505 00:29:29,370 --> 00:29:31,050 And that's the end of the show. 506 00:29:31,050 --> 00:29:33,970 This week's winners are Josh Widdicombe, Zoe Lyons 507 00:29:33,970 --> 00:29:35,650 and Matt Forde. 508 00:29:35,650 --> 00:29:37,610 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 509 00:29:39,530 --> 00:29:42,810 Commiserations to Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones. 510 00:29:42,810 --> 00:29:45,970 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 511 00:29:45,970 --> 00:29:49,010 Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Good night.