1 00:00:02,008 --> 00:00:05,044 This programme contains strong language 2 00:00:05,044 --> 00:00:07,072 Hey, hold on. Alarm! 3 00:00:07,072 --> 00:00:11,000 There you go, it's midnight. It's popping off. 4 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:16,028 Right now is a lyrical tribute, yeah, to my Angel, 5 00:00:16,028 --> 00:00:18,064 and it is because she is turning... 6 00:00:20,016 --> 00:00:22,068 ..a whole year older. 7 00:00:22,068 --> 00:00:27,008 # Turn it up, turn it up. Who's ready? Who's ready? 8 00:00:27,008 --> 00:00:29,060 # I'm ready. She's the one She's my number one... 9 00:00:29,060 --> 00:00:33,008 # First I had sex with her mum in the car, then she came out like "Raah!" 10 00:00:33,008 --> 00:00:34,044 # Never seen that before 11 00:00:34,044 --> 00:00:36,088 # I never seen that before, the first sight that I saw 12 00:00:36,088 --> 00:00:38,024 # I knew that, what? 13 00:00:38,024 --> 00:00:41,036 # She take the gallery by storm, she take the gallery by storm, car! 14 00:00:41,036 --> 00:00:44,084 # It's her destiny-ny to be... It's her destiny-ny to be... 15 00:00:44,084 --> 00:00:46,088 ♪ To be the first female garage MC. ♪ 16 00:00:46,088 --> 00:00:49,072 Well, not the first... # But the first to do it properly. 17 00:00:49,072 --> 00:00:53,068 # A lyrical monopoly, lyrical legacy, it's hereditary to be what? 18 00:00:53,068 --> 00:00:55,024 # The best garage MC, car! 19 00:00:55,024 --> 00:00:58,056 # Who's your daddy-dy? Who's your daddy? 20 00:00:58,056 --> 00:01:02,060 # It's me. The...the MC. 21 00:01:05,060 --> 00:01:08,004 That was pure emotional inside. 22 00:01:08,004 --> 00:01:09,072 We're all feeling it. 23 00:01:09,072 --> 00:01:12,000 Steves has even got a tear in his eye. 24 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:16,000 Yeah, man. I think it might just be from the smoke, but I would... 25 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:17,080 Yeah, it was emotional though. 26 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:20,008 Still liked it. You still liked it. 27 00:01:20,008 --> 00:01:21,020 Really enjoyed it. 28 00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:24,044 Hold on. 29 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:29,064 Easy boys. You all right? Come through. 30 00:01:29,064 --> 00:01:33,020 The old birthday thing, you know what I mean? Better early, like. 31 00:01:33,020 --> 00:01:36,052 Yeah. Easy! Ah, look at that! Look how she's holding the spoon. 32 00:01:36,052 --> 00:01:37,092 It's like a mic. 33 00:01:37,092 --> 00:01:40,092 Natural instinct. Just like her dad, eh? 34 00:01:40,092 --> 00:01:42,084 Got to do the old cards and that, yeah? 35 00:01:42,084 --> 00:01:45,008 Yeah, got loads of cards. It's amazing. 36 00:01:45,008 --> 00:01:46,096 Crack one open, see what it says. 37 00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:51,072 Happy birthday, Angel. That's a thoughtful message. 38 00:01:51,072 --> 00:01:53,036 Not even any money in it as well. 39 00:01:53,036 --> 00:01:56,004 It's pointless if they're not going to make a effort, 40 00:01:56,004 --> 00:01:57,012 you know what I mean? 41 00:01:57,012 --> 00:02:00,056 Aw, don't worry, Angel. Nana sent you some money, hasn't she? Yes. 42 00:02:00,056 --> 00:02:02,020 Tell 'em how old you are today. 43 00:02:02,020 --> 00:02:03,056 Five. 44 00:02:03,056 --> 00:02:06,024 Big five! My little Angel's getting old. 45 00:02:06,024 --> 00:02:09,076 I started getting, like, crow's feet and deep lines when I was your age, 46 00:02:09,076 --> 00:02:13,064 so you're lucky that Mummy knows how to fight the signs of ageing. 47 00:02:13,064 --> 00:02:16,004 Got two-for-one manicure and eyebrow threading 48 00:02:16,004 --> 00:02:18,016 at Brentford Nails down the high street. 49 00:02:18,016 --> 00:02:20,092 Just a little birthday treat for my little birthday lady. 50 00:02:20,092 --> 00:02:24,000 I've got something as well, actually. I was going to wait for him 51 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:26,020 to get down here, yeah, before I told you 52 00:02:26,020 --> 00:02:28,080 but Decoy is actually going to be your chauffeur, 53 00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:30,064 the driver for the day, so... 54 00:02:30,064 --> 00:02:32,036 Thanks. 55 00:02:32,036 --> 00:02:34,060 Yeah, that's it cos you've got to look good 56 00:02:34,060 --> 00:02:38,040 for your little party, ain't you? Yeah. Yeah? Aw! 57 00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:41,096 Party being actually organised by yours truly. 58 00:02:41,096 --> 00:02:44,040 It's going to be an absolute madness, innit? 59 00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:47,048 She's going to be going mental, this little one, innit? Aw. 60 00:02:47,048 --> 00:02:50,048 Thing is with kids, yeah, it's, like, quite hard to predict 61 00:02:50,048 --> 00:02:52,020 their little life moments, like. 62 00:02:52,020 --> 00:02:55,092 That's why birthdays are good cos you can always see 'em coming and, like, 63 00:02:55,092 --> 00:03:00,056 make sure you're always there for everyone like, you know what I mean? 64 00:03:00,056 --> 00:03:02,024 Not the actual birth, however. 65 00:03:02,024 --> 00:03:05,032 I was just thinking, cos the actual birth is different. 66 00:03:05,032 --> 00:03:07,028 We had a whole new aerial revamp. 67 00:03:07,028 --> 00:03:09,060 We had to do the...the station up and that. 68 00:03:09,060 --> 00:03:12,060 It's bare madness and Miche understood. 69 00:03:12,060 --> 00:03:14,060 Anyway, on her way to the hospital 70 00:03:14,060 --> 00:03:17,056 she ended up bumping into Decoy so he took her, it was fine, 71 00:03:17,056 --> 00:03:18,084 do you know what I mean? 72 00:03:18,084 --> 00:03:20,020 All worked out in the end. 73 00:03:20,020 --> 00:03:21,064 Even took some photos. 74 00:03:21,064 --> 00:03:25,028 I did make him delete them though, cos he shouldn't really 75 00:03:25,028 --> 00:03:29,036 have been down that end in the first place cos it's a bit... 76 00:03:29,036 --> 00:03:31,008 Make sure you have a good time, yeah? 77 00:03:31,008 --> 00:03:34,032 When you get back, Daddy'll have a little party sorted for you, yeah? 78 00:03:34,032 --> 00:03:37,064 Yeah. All right, sweet. Don't be running off with them, yeah? 79 00:03:37,064 --> 00:03:40,008 'Course not, man. Do you want me to get anything? 80 00:03:40,008 --> 00:03:41,052 No, got it all sorted, mate. 81 00:03:41,052 --> 00:03:44,060 Chabuds is getting this banging Polish premium vodka, like. 82 00:03:44,060 --> 00:03:47,088 Yeah, but what about, like, balloons or a cake or something? 83 00:03:47,088 --> 00:03:51,012 Yeah...Yes, I've got it all on here. Don't think about it. 84 00:03:51,012 --> 00:03:54,068 I'm sorting it. Come on! Yeah? All right. Come on, guys, get out, yeah? 85 00:03:54,068 --> 00:03:56,048 All right, yeah. See you lot later. 86 00:03:56,048 --> 00:03:57,088 Sorry. 87 00:03:57,088 --> 00:03:58,092 Sorry. 88 00:04:04,076 --> 00:04:06,072 Ah, it's all worth it though, innit? 89 00:04:06,072 --> 00:04:09,096 See the look on her face? Ah, she's so excited. 90 00:04:09,096 --> 00:04:13,072 To me it's about giving her a memory she will never forget. 91 00:04:13,072 --> 00:04:17,052 Although she probably will forget it cos she's only five and, like, 92 00:04:17,052 --> 00:04:20,096 when she gets into her drug-taking years she'll be getting wrecked 93 00:04:20,096 --> 00:04:23,032 and her memory will get wiped, so... 94 00:04:23,032 --> 00:04:25,028 Still good to make an effort though. 95 00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:34,048 ♪ Open up your gap... ♪ 96 00:04:34,048 --> 00:04:36,000 Sorry. 97 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:38,060 Oh, no. No, I like that. I like that tune. Yeah? 98 00:04:38,060 --> 00:04:39,064 Yeah, yeah. 99 00:04:40,068 --> 00:04:41,084 Even with... 100 00:04:41,084 --> 00:04:44,080 Oh, you like this one, don't you, Angel? Yeah. 101 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:51,012 # Girl, you gave me all your pussy 102 00:04:51,012 --> 00:04:54,032 ♪ And you even licked my balls ♪ 103 00:04:59,092 --> 00:05:03,000 All right, so 35 for the smoke machine, yeah? 104 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:06,036 Right, er, chuck in a couple of the strobes and I'll bump it up 105 00:05:06,036 --> 00:05:09,028 to 40, we'll call it quits, get a little drink for yourself, eh? 106 00:05:09,028 --> 00:05:10,060 'Which strobes...' 107 00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:12,080 Boss, I've got them vodkas for tonight, mate. 108 00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:15,048 Straight from Poland, yeah. Fresh off the boat. 109 00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:17,008 Ssh! 110 00:05:17,008 --> 00:05:18,044 Why don't you come a bit later? 111 00:05:18,044 --> 00:05:21,000 I knew you were busy and that, I thought you might need... 112 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:24,048 One second mate. ..spare hands and that. Just, whatever, just... 113 00:05:26,032 --> 00:05:29,052 People actually read it as Polish, 114 00:05:29,052 --> 00:05:33,096 so it's a... It's a good legal loophole that we've got going on. 115 00:05:33,096 --> 00:05:36,064 You know, the first few batches we had a few teething problems, 116 00:05:36,064 --> 00:05:38,084 you know, people losing their teeth and that. 117 00:05:38,084 --> 00:05:42,060 Erm, but what we've tried to do is make it as strong as possible 118 00:05:42,060 --> 00:05:48,012 without any serious side effects or noticeable disabilities. 119 00:05:48,012 --> 00:05:51,020 People in Southall already going crazy for it. 120 00:05:51,020 --> 00:05:53,088 Don't care. Don't do birthday cakes. 121 00:05:53,088 --> 00:05:56,068 Get the geezer that comes in a van to pick one up on the way. 122 00:05:56,068 --> 00:05:59,048 'We don't just...' Can I speak to someone that's... 123 00:05:59,048 --> 00:06:01,068 Oh, give me someone that's above you, yeah? 124 00:06:01,068 --> 00:06:05,072 Don't touch that! Steves! Come on, mate. Huh? 125 00:06:05,072 --> 00:06:09,048 Wake up, you've got your set in a minute, you mug. Hello? 126 00:06:09,048 --> 00:06:10,060 Yeah, I know, I know. 127 00:06:10,060 --> 00:06:14,004 Right, basically, if I'm forking out all this for the smoke machine, 128 00:06:14,004 --> 00:06:17,004 I'm definitely going to need a birthday cake chucked in. 129 00:06:17,004 --> 00:06:21,060 Well, I don't care if it's not Argos policy, yeah. Change it! 130 00:06:21,060 --> 00:06:22,076 That's my policy! 131 00:06:31,052 --> 00:06:33,092 There. That's the only one I could find. 132 00:06:33,092 --> 00:06:36,008 Ah, thank you. Cheers. 133 00:06:37,072 --> 00:06:38,080 Put that on. 134 00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:42,008 I'll tuck it in. Shall I tuck it in? Yeah, tuck it in. 135 00:06:42,008 --> 00:06:43,040 All the way round. 136 00:06:44,088 --> 00:06:46,088 There! Hey! 137 00:06:46,088 --> 00:06:49,008 There you go. 138 00:06:49,008 --> 00:06:50,092 No you're... No, come here. 139 00:06:50,092 --> 00:06:53,088 We only really did the short ties in school. Well... 140 00:06:53,088 --> 00:06:55,032 Shirt really smells. 141 00:06:55,032 --> 00:06:57,036 Don't worry about how you smell, 142 00:06:57,036 --> 00:07:01,016 just worry about looking smart, that's the most important thing. 143 00:07:01,016 --> 00:07:04,080 Cos I've got a job interview today, yeah, a tie one, 144 00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:06,016 not the country. 145 00:07:06,016 --> 00:07:09,008 The suit shop, the one next to Gregg's in West Ealing. 146 00:07:09,008 --> 00:07:11,020 So Roche knows the manager there, 147 00:07:11,020 --> 00:07:14,088 so I've got an interview down there today. Yeah, let's just say he's got a good chance. 148 00:07:14,088 --> 00:07:17,072 Let's just say, yeah. I'm really looking forward to it, actually. 149 00:07:17,072 --> 00:07:20,088 Yeah. It'd be nice, wouldn't it, to have a job. 150 00:07:20,088 --> 00:07:23,032 Then you could start paying some bills, 151 00:07:23,032 --> 00:07:26,072 spending some more time with me and Craig. 152 00:07:26,072 --> 00:07:28,092 Yeah... Cos, um... 153 00:07:28,092 --> 00:07:30,088 yeah, then I can spend... 154 00:07:30,088 --> 00:07:32,080 more time with you lot and that. 155 00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:34,044 That's better. 156 00:07:34,044 --> 00:07:35,080 Yeah? 157 00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:38,024 James Bond sort of shit. 158 00:07:38,024 --> 00:07:42,000 Well, I hope he gets it. It'd be nice to have a bit of money, you know, 159 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:45,072 so it wasn't all just me making all the money and... 160 00:07:45,072 --> 00:07:47,020 That'd be good. 161 00:07:47,020 --> 00:07:48,076 Easy, boys. 162 00:07:48,076 --> 00:07:51,080 I think it'd be good for him, I think he'd feel better. 163 00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:55,072 He'd feel a sense of achievement if HE came home with some money. 164 00:07:55,072 --> 00:07:57,096 You've got that job interview today, yeah? Yeah. 165 00:07:57,096 --> 00:08:00,008 Absolute nightmare, mate. Yeah? 166 00:08:00,008 --> 00:08:03,048 I tell you what, do you want to do a bit of role play for the interview? Yeah, yeah. 167 00:08:03,048 --> 00:08:05,060 Yeah? OK, pull up a chair, mate. All right, cool. 168 00:08:05,060 --> 00:08:07,096 Listen, mate, you need to be sure of yourself, yeah? 169 00:08:07,096 --> 00:08:09,096 You need to be completely confident. 170 00:08:09,096 --> 00:08:12,060 From the minute you walk in the door, yeah? Yeah. 171 00:08:12,060 --> 00:08:15,048 OK, you grab the goat by the horns, OK? Yeah. 172 00:08:15,048 --> 00:08:19,052 Don't be afraid of the goat, OK, that's your goat, OK? Yeah. 173 00:08:19,052 --> 00:08:22,000 You are going to penetrate that goat, OK? 174 00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,072 This is, er... 175 00:08:23,072 --> 00:08:27,060 This is where I work, this is Quality Foods, quality and quantity. 176 00:08:27,060 --> 00:08:31,012 I haven't always worked here but, er, you know, 177 00:08:31,012 --> 00:08:34,032 I'm not going to pretend this was my dream. 178 00:08:34,032 --> 00:08:36,048 Er, sitting in a Portakabin 179 00:08:36,048 --> 00:08:40,040 making sure that the quality foods, er, are paid for. 180 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:42,048 So you need to know everything about ties. Yeah. 181 00:08:42,048 --> 00:08:45,032 You need to know about what tie goes with what shirt. Yeah. 182 00:08:45,032 --> 00:08:48,092 What's the battery life on, like, on my musical tie, yeah? OK. 183 00:08:48,092 --> 00:08:51,060 Um, how do I get these masala stains out of the tie. 184 00:08:51,060 --> 00:08:53,048 What if you don't know? 185 00:08:53,048 --> 00:08:57,036 I don't know if you can see but that screen is just that view out of that window. 186 00:08:57,036 --> 00:09:01,000 I have spoken to them about it and said, "That's what I'm actually 187 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:04,068 "looking at, I don't need to look at it on the screen," 188 00:09:04,068 --> 00:09:09,044 but they said that's, that's the most important bit of the car park. 189 00:09:09,044 --> 00:09:10,088 So if it's a woman... Yeah, yeah. 190 00:09:10,088 --> 00:09:13,088 ..you use your charm. You'd be like, "All right, sexy," yeah? OK. 191 00:09:13,088 --> 00:09:17,016 "I love what's on your face," something about their face, they love it. Yeah. 192 00:09:17,016 --> 00:09:19,032 Or if it's a fella, if it's a geezer... Geezer. 193 00:09:19,032 --> 00:09:22,040 You have a little bit of banter with him, OK? Ah, lovely, yeah. 194 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:26,020 "All right, dude, what are you up to tonight? Going down to the chippie for a pint, mate? 195 00:09:26,020 --> 00:09:28,048 "Meet some prossies tonight?" 196 00:09:28,048 --> 00:09:31,076 "Did you see the fight on Match Of The Day last night..." 197 00:09:31,076 --> 00:09:34,000 What's that? No, OK. 198 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:37,004 I tell you what, maybe for you it's best not to say too much, 199 00:09:37,004 --> 00:09:39,056 OK, keep it short, keep it sweet. Mm-hm. 200 00:09:39,056 --> 00:09:42,068 Always leave them wanting more. 201 00:09:42,068 --> 00:09:44,072 Always leave them wanting more. 202 00:09:44,072 --> 00:09:47,064 Exactly, say it again. Always leave them wanting more. 203 00:09:47,064 --> 00:09:50,048 Leave them or lead them? Lea..leave, leave them. 204 00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:53,004 Leave, leave, you confuse me now. Always leave them... OK. 205 00:09:53,004 --> 00:09:55,040 Always leave them wanting more. Exactly. 206 00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:57,004 Sick. 207 00:10:02,056 --> 00:10:06,072 Um, so this is actually, like, a fish pedicure, which is really good 208 00:10:06,072 --> 00:10:09,052 if you have, like, dry skin or arthritis, so... 209 00:10:09,052 --> 00:10:13,012 How are we getting on? Does it tickle, does it? Yeah. 210 00:10:13,012 --> 00:10:17,028 Yeah? Yeah, no, it probably won't cos I'm actually a qualified freelance nail technician, so... 211 00:10:17,028 --> 00:10:20,028 Yeah, so I do a lot of these sort of therapies on Angel at home already. 212 00:10:20,028 --> 00:10:23,016 She's very used to this kind of thing. Oh, nice. 213 00:10:23,016 --> 00:10:26,052 I was actually going to get some of these fish myself for my home salon 214 00:10:26,052 --> 00:10:29,068 but the man at the pet shop wasn't sure what I meant. 215 00:10:29,068 --> 00:10:32,020 Being a mum is the hardest job in the world 216 00:10:32,020 --> 00:10:34,064 and probably the most important job in the world. 217 00:10:34,064 --> 00:10:36,084 As soon as you give birth, you've got the job 218 00:10:36,084 --> 00:10:40,000 and then you need to work hard and make sure that you can keep the job. 219 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,024 I'm trying to get him to put his feet in. 220 00:10:42,024 --> 00:10:45,040 No, he's a man, they don't do... Daddy seems to like the fish, doesn't he? 221 00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:47,084 Shall we see if Daddy would like to get his feet done? Yes. 222 00:10:47,084 --> 00:10:50,020 Nah, I mean... He's not her daddy, he's our driver. 223 00:10:50,020 --> 00:10:53,024 I just drove down here, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 224 00:10:53,024 --> 00:10:56,048 Um, I'll just go to the car actually. Yeah, see you in a bit. 225 00:10:56,048 --> 00:11:00,088 Oh, do you know what, yeah, shove your mini Kias, up your arse, mate. 226 00:11:00,088 --> 00:11:02,048 Absolute mug! 227 00:11:03,076 --> 00:11:05,096 So, boss, let me know if you need any help, yeah. 228 00:11:05,096 --> 00:11:10,032 I mean, you know, anything you can get from Argos, Chabuddy G can get you as well. 229 00:11:10,032 --> 00:11:13,044 Tell you what, Chabuds, mate, have you got a smoke machine 230 00:11:13,044 --> 00:11:17,048 cos I've still got so much more on this list I still ain't got. 231 00:11:17,048 --> 00:11:20,084 I ain't got a cake, balloons, party food, 232 00:11:20,084 --> 00:11:23,076 strobe light, banners, clown. 233 00:11:23,076 --> 00:11:27,084 Oh, fuck! And also I ain't got Angel's birthday present. 234 00:11:27,084 --> 00:11:30,068 Listen, mate, don't worry, OK? Just don't worry. 235 00:11:30,068 --> 00:11:32,016 How much money you got? 236 00:11:34,020 --> 00:11:36,064 About 70s, I reckon, around about that. £70, yeah. 237 00:11:36,064 --> 00:11:38,040 I still got to get her a present. 238 00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:41,044 It's bit of a coincidence cos, you know, I organise parties all the time. 239 00:11:41,044 --> 00:11:44,012 I can give you the full party package and it includes every... 240 00:11:44,012 --> 00:11:45,052 Let me just check. 241 00:11:45,052 --> 00:11:46,096 It will include... 242 00:11:46,096 --> 00:11:49,028 OK, balloons, clown... 243 00:11:50,076 --> 00:11:53,012 Yeah, pretty much everything on there I can do for you. 244 00:11:53,012 --> 00:11:54,068 All that, what, for 70? 245 00:11:54,068 --> 00:11:58,032 All for 70, mate, OK? Party's practically my middle name, yeah. 246 00:11:58,032 --> 00:11:59,096 Chaparty G. 247 00:12:02,076 --> 00:12:05,032 Do you usually do it from the top, then? Ow! 248 00:12:05,032 --> 00:12:08,076 Sorry, yeah, that's how I was trained to do it, yeah. That's how I'm going to do it. 249 00:12:08,076 --> 00:12:11,044 Interesting, yeah. It's like a foreign technique. 250 00:12:11,044 --> 00:12:14,004 So maybe if we get a bit more, like, from below. 251 00:12:14,004 --> 00:12:15,084 That's it and take a deep breath. 252 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:20,020 Yeah, you're ready? 253 00:12:20,020 --> 00:12:22,088 Good girl. 254 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:28,012 Hi, babe. Yeah, right now? 255 00:12:28,012 --> 00:12:30,080 'Looking for Angel's present now actually.' Ah, OK. 256 00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:34,068 'There's so much man, there's so much.' Yeah, maybe, like, get her something different. 257 00:12:34,068 --> 00:12:36,048 Like, she's got loads of guns now, like. 258 00:12:36,048 --> 00:12:40,008 No, I'm not getting her guns, I'm by all the girly stuff, so... 'All right.' 259 00:12:40,008 --> 00:12:44,080 So I was just ringing to check, so I'll speak to you in a bit, yeah? Bye babe. 260 00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:47,028 It's mad actually, like... 261 00:12:47,028 --> 00:12:51,020 presents are a proper big deal to kids, like, these days, like. 262 00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:53,092 Ah these are... These are all right, innit? 263 00:12:53,092 --> 00:12:57,016 Seen that? That's sick. 264 00:12:57,016 --> 00:13:01,060 Oh, she'll love this, yeah. 265 00:13:05,020 --> 00:13:06,092 That's a good piece, that is. 266 00:13:08,052 --> 00:13:11,096 I shouldn't have give Chabuds all that money, actually. 267 00:13:11,096 --> 00:13:16,024 Here's one, though. A little trick of the trade if you want a discount, 268 00:13:16,024 --> 00:13:18,088 all you've got to do is give it a little... 269 00:13:28,060 --> 00:13:30,008 Ah, fucker...just... 270 00:13:31,092 --> 00:13:34,080 No, good, good quality that is, actually. 271 00:13:35,092 --> 00:13:38,008 Excuse me. I'm sorry. 272 00:13:38,008 --> 00:13:40,032 Oh, probably the best place cos... 273 00:13:41,048 --> 00:13:43,044 ..read that, music. 274 00:13:43,044 --> 00:13:45,072 That's her main passion anyway, so... 275 00:13:47,024 --> 00:13:50,036 Wh... Ah, no wires as well. 276 00:13:50,036 --> 00:13:52,016 That is... 277 00:13:52,016 --> 00:13:54,092 That's sick. She'll love this, like. 278 00:13:54,092 --> 00:13:57,068 # As we enter, as we enter 279 00:13:57,068 --> 00:13:59,048 ♪ Birthday thing for the one Angel. ♪ 280 00:13:59,048 --> 00:14:01,016 I've smashed it, ain't I? 281 00:14:01,016 --> 00:14:02,076 You know, yeah. 282 00:14:02,076 --> 00:14:05,016 ♪ Inside, inside... ♪ 283 00:14:05,016 --> 00:14:07,056 Jokes. It's not on, so... 284 00:14:22,084 --> 00:14:25,036 They're in there, they'll call you in when they're ready. 285 00:14:25,036 --> 00:14:26,088 Right, cheers, fella, thank you. 286 00:14:29,024 --> 00:14:31,040 (Fuck. I think that was a girl.) 287 00:14:35,024 --> 00:14:37,080 Ah, it's all fluffy at the back. 288 00:14:39,020 --> 00:14:41,024 I love these...water coolers. 289 00:14:43,008 --> 00:14:45,012 Let me just... 290 00:14:53,012 --> 00:14:54,048 Perfect. 291 00:14:54,048 --> 00:14:57,060 Yeah, that's looking smooth right now. 292 00:14:57,060 --> 00:14:59,040 Free water here, as well, yeah. 293 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:02,016 They ain't mucking about, they know what they're doing. 294 00:15:19,044 --> 00:15:21,040 Uh! 295 00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:23,040 Uh, God. 296 00:15:27,036 --> 00:15:29,020 Uh, God, I'd use the... 297 00:15:29,020 --> 00:15:32,004 I'd use the bloody stairs cos the lift is jammed. 298 00:15:32,004 --> 00:15:36,080 I tell you what, I haven't sweated this much since my last brush with passport control. 299 00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:39,068 Grindah! Hello, mate. Here they are, boss. 300 00:15:39,068 --> 00:15:41,076 Just wrapping up the presents. 301 00:15:41,076 --> 00:15:43,032 Ah... 302 00:15:43,032 --> 00:15:45,076 Smashed it, come through, yeah? Yeah. All good? 303 00:15:45,076 --> 00:15:47,020 Yeah, brilliant, man. 304 00:15:48,064 --> 00:15:50,000 Let's see what you've got. 305 00:15:59,028 --> 00:16:00,096 Chocolate willies? Yeah. 306 00:16:00,096 --> 00:16:06,016 Everything's cock-related. It's my little girl's birthday party and there's cocks everywhere. 307 00:16:06,016 --> 00:16:09,016 I know, listen... Oh, for f... It's still all classic party stuff. 308 00:16:09,016 --> 00:16:11,068 No. All we've got to do is disguise it a little bit, OK? 309 00:16:11,068 --> 00:16:14,080 Think about it, if you change it and it doesn't look like a willy 310 00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:18,044 you won't think twice before putting it in your mouth. I'm not putting that in my mouth! 311 00:16:18,044 --> 00:16:21,016 I'm not putting anything like that anywhere near my mouth. 312 00:16:21,016 --> 00:16:24,020 The company is called Chabuddy's Party Package, 313 00:16:24,020 --> 00:16:26,084 which is a bit of a play on words, you know what I mean. 314 00:16:26,084 --> 00:16:30,068 Er, it's mostly aimed at hen parties. I've never really done a children's party before 315 00:16:30,068 --> 00:16:33,000 but, I mean, it's the same thing really, isn't it? 316 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:36,004 Where's the smoke machine? I got incense, mate. 317 00:16:36,004 --> 00:16:39,036 What's incense? It's like smoke machines 318 00:16:39,036 --> 00:16:42,012 but it has a lovely aroma attached to it, free of charge. 319 00:16:42,012 --> 00:16:44,084 So not a smoke machine? Not exactly... Fucked it up, great(!) 320 00:16:44,084 --> 00:16:48,044 I've got a choice of cherry or sandalwood. Oh, for f... 321 00:16:48,044 --> 00:16:50,084 Definitely cherry. Good choice. 322 00:16:50,084 --> 00:16:53,048 Why the fuck do I want to smell of sandals? 323 00:16:54,088 --> 00:16:57,044 What's that, then? That's one of my favourites, actually. 324 00:16:57,044 --> 00:17:00,068 Oh, willies, for... After dinner willies. They have sauce... 325 00:17:00,068 --> 00:17:02,012 Stop touching them! 326 00:17:02,012 --> 00:17:03,052 Mint, minty... 327 00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:08,092 Feeling quite confident, actually. 328 00:17:08,092 --> 00:17:10,036 Yeah. 329 00:17:10,036 --> 00:17:12,028 Oh, vibrating. 330 00:17:14,008 --> 00:17:16,028 Roche... 331 00:17:16,028 --> 00:17:19,004 "Don't... Fuck this." 332 00:17:19,004 --> 00:17:21,040 Words of encouragement. 333 00:17:23,036 --> 00:17:25,004 Kevin Bates? Hello, boss. 334 00:17:25,004 --> 00:17:28,068 Hi, Kevin, I'm Chris, I'm a friend of Roche's. How are you doing? Yeah, good, man. You? 335 00:17:28,068 --> 00:17:32,084 Good, very good, thank you. Lovely. I've just got these boys with me, I hope that's all right. 336 00:17:32,084 --> 00:17:35,032 Er, yeah, Roche warned me about them Oh, right. 337 00:17:35,032 --> 00:17:37,016 You're not Watchdog, are you? 338 00:17:37,016 --> 00:17:40,088 No, cos we're completely above board here. Yeah. 339 00:17:40,088 --> 00:17:45,020 Er, listen, this is really just a formality, nothing too much for you to worry about. OK. 340 00:17:45,020 --> 00:17:47,052 Regional manager's going to be sitting in. 341 00:17:47,052 --> 00:17:50,024 I'm going to ask a few questions, no tests or anything like that. 342 00:17:50,024 --> 00:17:53,096 Ah, yeah, fuck doing a test, mate. I've never done a test in my life. 343 00:17:53,096 --> 00:17:57,044 Um, anyway, do you want to come through? Yeah, yeah, yeah. 344 00:17:57,044 --> 00:17:59,080 Have a seat. Cheers, thank you. 345 00:18:01,012 --> 00:18:03,036 Hello, I'm Kevin, nice to meet you. 346 00:18:06,092 --> 00:18:08,096 I'll take this off. 347 00:18:08,096 --> 00:18:10,060 Whoa, Jesus that's pungent. 348 00:18:14,012 --> 00:18:18,060 So, you know what, it's all about just making use of what you've got, using your imagination, like, yeah? 349 00:18:18,060 --> 00:18:21,084 So the chocolate penis cake is now a caterpillar cake, yeah? 350 00:18:21,084 --> 00:18:24,020 Chocolate willies, now bunny rabbits, yeah? 351 00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:27,000 Novelty condoms, balloons. Disgusting. 352 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:30,012 Business is all about adapting, you know, rolling with the punches. 353 00:18:30,012 --> 00:18:34,032 Um, for example, I used to have this Indian restaurant back in the day when I first started out 354 00:18:34,032 --> 00:18:37,028 but I changed it to an Italian one cos there was just too 355 00:18:37,028 --> 00:18:40,060 many Indian restaurants in the Curry Mile, so I adapted, yeah. 356 00:18:40,060 --> 00:18:43,052 So in the menu we changed a few things, we had the... 357 00:18:43,052 --> 00:18:47,064 The samosa calzone, we had the spaghetti tikka masala, yeah. 358 00:18:47,064 --> 00:18:51,000 We even renamed the chef, so Gurday became Gino 359 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:52,084 and Mandy became Mario. 360 00:18:54,076 --> 00:18:58,008 Which was quite funny cos he was a part-time plumber, as well. 361 00:18:58,008 --> 00:19:02,068 Right. Well, um, thank you for coming in to see us today, Kevin. 362 00:19:02,068 --> 00:19:05,064 And thank you for having me in your wonderful establishment. 363 00:19:05,064 --> 00:19:08,096 Er, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself. 364 00:19:08,096 --> 00:19:12,056 Well, my name's Kevin Bates, AKA Beats. 365 00:19:12,056 --> 00:19:16,052 I co-run a pirate radio station called Kurupt FM, 366 00:19:16,052 --> 00:19:19,048 108.9 on the dial, best believe. 367 00:19:19,048 --> 00:19:25,048 Um, we play mainly garage music and drum 'n' bass quite late in the evening, 368 00:19:25,048 --> 00:19:30,068 but not the new stuff, more old school jungle sort of stuff. 369 00:19:30,068 --> 00:19:34,068 So, yeah, I'm a DJ but I also ad lib a bit, as well, 370 00:19:34,068 --> 00:19:37,088 and I run it with my partner in crime, MC Grindah. 371 00:19:43,088 --> 00:19:45,076 We're keeping numbers down this year 372 00:19:45,076 --> 00:19:49,088 so just invited, like, Angel's main friends, so just, like, Beats, 373 00:19:49,088 --> 00:19:52,080 Steves, Weapon X, all that lot, and, like, her nan's coming, as well. 374 00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:56,000 A lot of her school mates are quite immature and there are a few of them that 375 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,068 Grindah didn't really get on with, so... 376 00:19:58,068 --> 00:20:02,004 it's better to keep them away so we don't have any trouble this year. 377 00:20:04,020 --> 00:20:05,076 (There you go.) 378 00:20:08,056 --> 00:20:10,044 Love this tune. 379 00:20:13,084 --> 00:20:16,092 (Look at this.) Happy birthday! 380 00:20:16,092 --> 00:20:18,092 Come here, ah! 381 00:20:18,092 --> 00:20:22,040 Surprise! Do you like it? Yeah, it smells really nice... 382 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:24,068 Ah, that's called incense, it's a new thing. 383 00:20:24,068 --> 00:20:29,016 It's actually like smoke machines but better and more fragrant. I love the bling. 384 00:20:29,016 --> 00:20:33,052 Don't touch them, they're a bit greasy, so you don't touch them either. 385 00:20:33,052 --> 00:20:35,076 And don't let her touch the chocolate bunnies. 386 00:20:38,076 --> 00:20:41,052 I've been surrounded by ties my whole life. 387 00:20:41,052 --> 00:20:45,052 By the age of 13, when I started at school, I really got into them, 388 00:20:45,052 --> 00:20:48,008 just sort of looking at the way people do them up, 389 00:20:48,008 --> 00:20:50,084 just wear them, and, like, yeah, 390 00:20:50,084 --> 00:20:54,036 so man does have a huge passion in ties. 391 00:20:55,056 --> 00:20:57,004 Right, great, moving on. 392 00:20:57,004 --> 00:21:02,044 Um, what sort of skill sets do you have that would enable you to perform this role effectively? 393 00:21:02,044 --> 00:21:03,092 Er, skill sets... 394 00:21:05,036 --> 00:21:07,052 DJ set eight till ten, so... 395 00:21:10,024 --> 00:21:14,012 Do you want me to repeat the question? I'm going to stop you there actually, Christopher, 396 00:21:14,012 --> 00:21:17,060 cos I need to head to the toilet, if that's all right. OK, well, actually... 397 00:21:17,060 --> 00:21:19,040 No, don't worry, I know where it is. 398 00:21:22,008 --> 00:21:23,076 (Move, move.) 399 00:21:26,036 --> 00:21:29,048 Always leave 'em wanting more. Standard. 400 00:21:29,048 --> 00:21:31,020 Job done. 401 00:21:39,012 --> 00:21:40,092 Sweet. 402 00:21:55,092 --> 00:21:58,008 Stop. So, on Angel, yeah. 403 00:22:00,052 --> 00:22:03,040 What is it? Lucky girl. 404 00:22:07,016 --> 00:22:11,036 No, Steves... No, move it on, mate, it's not your game, it's for Angel. 405 00:22:11,036 --> 00:22:13,028 Let 'em have one layer! 406 00:22:13,028 --> 00:22:16,008 Oh, Mum, be nice. This is my mum, Carol. 407 00:22:16,008 --> 00:22:18,096 Don't tell 'em my name. People will think we're sisters. 408 00:22:18,096 --> 00:22:20,096 You've used that once. 409 00:22:20,096 --> 00:22:22,064 Keep it moving. 410 00:22:26,068 --> 00:22:29,044 Keep it moving, Steves. 411 00:22:29,044 --> 00:22:34,024 Yeah, there's, like, there's good news and there's bad news. 412 00:22:34,024 --> 00:22:37,004 Well, I already know the bad news cos I spoke to Chris earlier. 413 00:22:38,096 --> 00:22:40,080 Yeah, I didn't really get that one. 414 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:44,052 No, of course you didn't get it cos you fucking walked out halfway through! 415 00:22:44,052 --> 00:22:45,076 Sorry. 416 00:22:52,056 --> 00:22:55,096 I absolutely smashed it with this one, yeah, come. 417 00:22:55,096 --> 00:22:57,096 Come here, wait till you see this. 418 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:01,096 Whose is... Whose is that one? 419 00:23:01,096 --> 00:23:04,016 Oh, it's Decoy's. Which one's yours? 420 00:23:04,016 --> 00:23:08,036 Well, nothing. It's pointless now cos Decoy's is massive. Mine's tiny compared to his. 421 00:23:08,036 --> 00:23:11,056 All right, guys, listen. Special appearance coming very soon, 422 00:23:11,056 --> 00:23:14,040 get your party hats on cos we're going to have a good time, 423 00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:16,076 all right, special performance coming quite soon. 424 00:23:16,076 --> 00:23:18,092 Yes, bruv. Decoy! 425 00:23:18,092 --> 00:23:22,096 I'm telling Decoy about my modelling days. Decoy doesn't give a shit about your modelling days. 426 00:23:22,096 --> 00:23:26,020 Oh, shut up. I don't know why you knock around with him, I swear to God. 427 00:23:26,020 --> 00:23:29,024 God, you weren't exactly a model, you were an extra in a DFS advert. 428 00:23:29,024 --> 00:23:32,056 Why have you got a massive present? It ain't nothing big, trust me. 429 00:23:32,056 --> 00:23:35,012 Of course it is, it's bigger than all the rest. 430 00:23:35,012 --> 00:23:36,040 Kids love massive presents. 431 00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:38,012 Mine's tiny comparing to yours. 432 00:23:38,012 --> 00:23:40,008 That's all right. No, we've got to swap. 433 00:23:40,008 --> 00:23:43,020 Bruv, no, it's cool, man, just give her yours. It ain't about size, is it? 434 00:23:43,020 --> 00:23:46,028 Well, it's easy for you to say, you're Jamaican. 435 00:23:46,028 --> 00:23:49,068 Don't touch the balloon, don't touch the balloon. 436 00:23:49,068 --> 00:23:52,012 Oh, no, you have got to grow up! 437 00:23:52,012 --> 00:23:54,088 I'm already struggling supporting Craig and fucking Debbo. 438 00:23:54,088 --> 00:23:58,056 Who's Debbo? Oh, he's that fucking African kid me and Craig sponsor. 439 00:23:58,056 --> 00:24:01,060 Oh, yeah, he loves him to bits, though. 440 00:24:01,060 --> 00:24:05,012 To be fair you can't put a price on them things. 441 00:24:05,012 --> 00:24:08,044 Hello? Am I getting through to you at all? 442 00:24:08,044 --> 00:24:10,048 Yeah, sorry. 443 00:24:10,048 --> 00:24:13,064 Just that clown looks proper weird, like. 444 00:24:13,064 --> 00:24:15,040 Where's his shirt? 445 00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:18,016 Maybe it's just like modern clown, sort of thing. 446 00:24:21,028 --> 00:24:24,020 Ladies and gentlemen! 447 00:24:24,020 --> 00:24:26,096 Now, the special entertainer for tonight, 448 00:24:26,096 --> 00:24:29,068 Mr Throb De Niro! 449 00:24:29,068 --> 00:24:31,076 The clown. 450 00:24:32,076 --> 00:24:35,084 Oh... Yay, a clown. 451 00:24:35,084 --> 00:24:38,064 Never had a clown before, have you, Ange? 452 00:24:40,084 --> 00:24:44,056 So, no helicopter stuff today, all right? 453 00:24:46,020 --> 00:24:48,016 Come on, then, mate, get to it. 454 00:24:48,016 --> 00:24:51,004 What do you want me to do? 455 00:24:51,004 --> 00:24:54,028 "I'm Sexy And I Know It" by LMFAO 456 00:25:00,024 --> 00:25:02,024 Don't do that. 457 00:25:13,008 --> 00:25:17,016 I think that part of being a mum is just being able to, like, handle whatever gets thrown at you. 458 00:25:17,016 --> 00:25:20,044 Like, I've got this mug, it says on it, 459 00:25:20,044 --> 00:25:22,068 "keep calm and be a mum", 460 00:25:22,068 --> 00:25:25,016 and, like, that's, like, a slogan I just live by now. 461 00:25:25,016 --> 00:25:28,032 OK, listen, make an animal out of this or something, man. 462 00:25:28,032 --> 00:25:31,028 Whatever happens, I'll always have to look after Angel, 463 00:25:31,028 --> 00:25:34,060 like, make sure she's going to school and not getting fat or anything. 464 00:25:34,060 --> 00:25:37,052 If, like, one day I do look down on her and she's getting a bit, 465 00:25:37,052 --> 00:25:41,028 like, you know, chunky or whatever, then I'll just know what to do. 466 00:25:45,024 --> 00:25:47,064 Oh, my God, you could crack walnuts with those! 467 00:25:47,064 --> 00:25:52,056 No, you couldn't. Right, that's it, you're done, mate, get out, get out! 468 00:25:52,056 --> 00:25:55,052 Sick. Get out. 469 00:25:55,052 --> 00:25:57,064 You're finished. 470 00:25:57,064 --> 00:26:02,008 That was good, wasn't it? Like, he was actually, like, a technically talented dancer. 471 00:26:02,008 --> 00:26:04,020 Yeah, I'd like him for my birthday, Miche. 472 00:26:04,020 --> 00:26:07,004 I haven't been paid. I don't give a fuck. Sort it out with Chabuds. 473 00:26:07,004 --> 00:26:10,084 It's a five-year-old's birthday party. She'll be scarred for life now. 474 00:26:10,084 --> 00:26:13,064 It's all right, he'll come back, he'll come back. 475 00:26:14,092 --> 00:26:17,068 You're going to open some presents? That'll be fun, wouldn't it? 476 00:26:17,068 --> 00:26:19,052 Yeah? Which one do you want first? 477 00:26:19,052 --> 00:26:22,020 That one? Yeah? 478 00:26:22,020 --> 00:26:25,052 I think that's the one from Daddy so maybe he should be here when you open it. 479 00:26:25,052 --> 00:26:28,048 Why is it... Is it closed? Come on! 480 00:26:33,008 --> 00:26:35,024 What's... 481 00:26:35,024 --> 00:26:36,060 It's not moving. 482 00:26:38,004 --> 00:26:39,060 Ah. 483 00:26:39,060 --> 00:26:41,012 It's baby shampoo. 484 00:26:41,012 --> 00:26:43,088 Ah, baby shampoo from Steves. 485 00:26:43,088 --> 00:26:46,036 Yeah, I couldn't think what else they really use, so... 486 00:26:46,036 --> 00:26:48,028 Hello? 487 00:26:50,064 --> 00:26:52,028 You're fucking joking me. 488 00:26:54,032 --> 00:26:55,068 Yeah. 489 00:26:55,068 --> 00:26:57,016 Sweet. 490 00:26:57,016 --> 00:26:59,004 A doll's house! 491 00:26:59,004 --> 00:27:01,064 Look at that! 492 00:27:01,064 --> 00:27:04,004 I love it! I mean Angel loves it. 493 00:27:04,004 --> 00:27:05,056 Thanks Uncle Decoy. 494 00:27:05,056 --> 00:27:08,020 What do you say? You don't like it? 495 00:27:08,020 --> 00:27:10,056 No, I don't have to say... OK. 496 00:27:10,056 --> 00:27:13,068 Do you want to open Daddy's one? Oh, he'd love this. 497 00:27:14,072 --> 00:27:16,004 I've got to call. 498 00:27:18,028 --> 00:27:21,000 No fucking signal. Have you got... Have you got a phone on ya? 499 00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:23,016 You'd see if I had it, mate. 500 00:27:23,016 --> 00:27:26,000 What about you lot? I've got to tell 'em to stop the party! 501 00:27:28,064 --> 00:27:31,008 What, you got a microphone from Daddy? 502 00:27:31,008 --> 00:27:33,092 Yeah, best present. 503 00:27:36,004 --> 00:27:39,084 ♪ It's Beats and Grindah here to get you hyper ♪ 504 00:27:39,084 --> 00:27:43,088 ♪ It's Beats and Grindah here to get you hyper ♪ 505 00:27:43,088 --> 00:27:48,048 ♪ It's Beats and Grindah here to get you hyper. ♪ 506 00:27:48,048 --> 00:27:51,036 Hello! Press that one. Shut up. 507 00:27:54,052 --> 00:27:57,064 Conducting. Just pure conduction. 508 00:27:57,064 --> 00:27:59,084 Monday... Is the day that we roll. 509 00:27:59,084 --> 00:28:01,036 Tuesday... 510 00:28:01,036 --> 00:28:03,016 It's going straight to voice mail. 511 00:28:03,016 --> 00:28:05,080 Ah, you can tell, you can just tell. 512 00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:10,000 Angel is a bit of a tomboy, like, but she's also got her girly side. 513 00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:13,008 Like, half of her is me, you know, like, girly, nails, shopping, 514 00:28:13,008 --> 00:28:16,024 and then the other half of her is a bit more, like, violent, 515 00:28:16,024 --> 00:28:20,004 like stabbing stuff and, like, breaking all her toys 516 00:28:20,004 --> 00:28:23,032 and, like, shouting at me, and that's more like her Grindah side. 517 00:28:23,032 --> 00:28:25,076 Have you got a screwdriver or something? 518 00:28:25,076 --> 00:28:28,016 Completely pointless, this whole thing. 519 00:28:30,008 --> 00:28:31,052 Did you just fart?