This programme contains strong language
Hey, hold on. Alarm!
There you go, it's midnight. It's popping off.
Right now is a lyrical tribute, yeah, to my Angel,
and it is because she is turning...
..a whole year older.
# Turn it up, turn it up. Who's ready? Who's ready?
# I'm ready. She's the one She's my number one...
# First I had sex with her mum in the car, then she came out like "Raah!"
# Never seen that before
# I never seen that before, the first sight that I saw
# I knew that, what?
# She take the gallery by storm, she take the gallery by storm, car!
# It's her destiny-ny to be... It's her destiny-ny to be...
♪ To be the first female garage MC. ♪
Well, not the first... # But the first to do it properly.
# A lyrical monopoly, lyrical legacy, it's hereditary to be what?
# The best garage MC, car!
# Who's your daddy-dy? Who's your daddy?
# It's me. The...the MC.
That was pure emotional inside.
We're all feeling it.
Steves has even got a tear in his eye.
Yeah, man. I think it might just be from the smoke, but I would...
Yeah, it was emotional though.
Still liked it. You still liked it.
Really enjoyed it.
Hold on.
Easy boys. You all right? Come through.
The old birthday thing, you know what I mean? Better early, like.
Yeah. Easy! Ah, look at that! Look how she's holding the spoon.
It's like a mic.
Natural instinct. Just like her dad, eh?
Got to do the old cards and that, yeah?
Yeah, got loads of cards. It's amazing.
Crack one open, see what it says.
Happy birthday, Angel. That's a thoughtful message.
Not even any money in it as well.
It's pointless if they're not going to make a effort,
you know what I mean?
Aw, don't worry, Angel. Nana sent you some money, hasn't she? Yes.
Tell 'em how old you are today.
Five.
Big five! My little Angel's getting old.
I started getting, like, crow's feet and deep lines when I was your age,
so you're lucky that Mummy knows how to fight the signs of ageing.
Got two-for-one manicure and eyebrow threading
at Brentford Nails down the high street.
Just a little birthday treat for my little birthday lady.
I've got something as well, actually. I was going to wait for him
to get down here, yeah, before I told you
but Decoy is actually going to be your chauffeur,
the driver for the day, so...
Thanks.
Yeah, that's it cos you've got to look good
for your little party, ain't you? Yeah. Yeah? Aw!
Party being actually organised by yours truly.
It's going to be an absolute madness, innit?
She's going to be going mental, this little one, innit? Aw.
Thing is with kids, yeah, it's, like, quite hard to predict
their little life moments, like.
That's why birthdays are good cos you can always see 'em coming and, like,
make sure you're always there for everyone like, you know what I mean?
Not the actual birth, however.
I was just thinking, cos the actual birth is different.
We had a whole new aerial revamp.
We had to do the...the station up and that.
It's bare madness and Miche understood.
Anyway, on her way to the hospital
she ended up bumping into Decoy so he took her, it was fine,
do you know what I mean?
All worked out in the end.
Even took some photos.
I did make him delete them though, cos he shouldn't really
have been down that end in the first place cos it's a bit...
Make sure you have a good time, yeah?
When you get back, Daddy'll have a little party sorted for you, yeah?
Yeah. All right, sweet. Don't be running off with them, yeah?
'Course not, man. Do you want me to get anything?
No, got it all sorted, mate.
Chabuds is getting this banging Polish premium vodka, like.
Yeah, but what about, like, balloons or a cake or something?
Yeah...Yes, I've got it all on here. Don't think about it.
I'm sorting it. Come on! Yeah? All right. Come on, guys, get out, yeah?
All right, yeah. See you lot later.
Sorry.
Ah, it's all worth it though, innit?
See the look on her face? Ah, she's so excited.
To me it's about giving her a memory she will never forget.
Although she probably will forget it cos she's only five and, like,
when she gets into her drug-taking years she'll be getting wrecked
and her memory will get wiped, so...
Still good to make an effort though.
♪ Open up your gap... ♪
Sorry.
Oh, no. No, I like that. I like that tune. Yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
Even with...
Oh, you like this one, don't you, Angel? Yeah.
# Girl, you gave me all your pussy
♪ And you even licked my balls ♪
All right, so 35 for the smoke machine, yeah?
Right, er, chuck in a couple of the strobes and I'll bump it up
to 40, we'll call it quits, get a little drink for yourself, eh?
'Which strobes...'
Boss, I've got them vodkas for tonight, mate.
Straight from Poland, yeah. Fresh off the boat.
Ssh!
Why don't you come a bit later?
I knew you were busy and that, I thought you might need...
One second mate. ..spare hands and that. Just, whatever, just...
People actually read it as Polish,
so it's a... It's a good legal loophole that we've got going on.
You know, the first few batches we had a few teething problems,
you know, people losing their teeth and that.
Erm, but what we've tried to do is make it as strong as possible
without any serious side effects or noticeable disabilities.
People in Southall already going crazy for it.
Don't care. Don't do birthday cakes.
Get the geezer that comes in a van to pick one up on the way.
'We don't just...' Can I speak to someone that's...
Oh, give me someone that's above you, yeah?
Don't touch that! Steves! Come on, mate. Huh?
Wake up, you've got your set in a minute, you mug. Hello?
Yeah, I know, I know.
Right, basically, if I'm forking out all this for the smoke machine,
I'm definitely going to need a birthday cake chucked in.
Well, I don't care if it's not Argos policy, yeah. Change it!
That's my policy!
There. That's the only one I could find.
Ah, thank you. Cheers.
Put that on.
I'll tuck it in. Shall I tuck it in? Yeah, tuck it in.
All the way round.
There! Hey!
There you go.
No you're... No, come here.
We only really did the short ties in school. Well...
Shirt really smells.
Don't worry about how you smell,
just worry about looking smart, that's the most important thing.
Cos I've got a job interview today, yeah, a tie one,
not the country.
The suit shop, the one next to Gregg's in West Ealing.
So Roche knows the manager there,
so I've got an interview down there today. Yeah, let's just say he's got a good chance.
Let's just say, yeah. I'm really looking forward to it, actually.
Yeah. It'd be nice, wouldn't it, to have a job.
Then you could start paying some bills,
spending some more time with me and Craig.
Yeah... Cos, um...
yeah, then I can spend...
more time with you lot and that.
That's better.
Yeah?
James Bond sort of shit.
Well, I hope he gets it. It'd be nice to have a bit of money, you know,
so it wasn't all just me making all the money and...
That'd be good.
Easy, boys.
I think it'd be good for him, I think he'd feel better.
He'd feel a sense of achievement if HE came home with some money.
You've got that job interview today, yeah? Yeah.
Absolute nightmare, mate. Yeah?
I tell you what, do you want to do a bit of role play for the interview? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah? OK, pull up a chair, mate. All right, cool.
Listen, mate, you need to be sure of yourself, yeah?
You need to be completely confident.
From the minute you walk in the door, yeah? Yeah.
OK, you grab the goat by the horns, OK? Yeah.
Don't be afraid of the goat, OK, that's your goat, OK? Yeah.
You are going to penetrate that goat, OK?
This is, er...
This is where I work, this is Quality Foods, quality and quantity.
I haven't always worked here but, er, you know,
I'm not going to pretend this was my dream.
Er, sitting in a Portakabin
making sure that the quality foods, er, are paid for.
So you need to know everything about ties. Yeah.
You need to know about what tie goes with what shirt. Yeah.
What's the battery life on, like, on my musical tie, yeah? OK.
Um, how do I get these masala stains out of the tie.
What if you don't know?
I don't know if you can see but that screen is just that view out of that window.
I have spoken to them about it and said, "That's what I'm actually
"looking at, I don't need to look at it on the screen,"
but they said that's, that's the most important bit of the car park.
So if it's a woman... Yeah, yeah.
..you use your charm. You'd be like, "All right, sexy," yeah? OK.
"I love what's on your face," something about their face, they love it. Yeah.
Or if it's a fella, if it's a geezer... Geezer.
You have a little bit of banter with him, OK? Ah, lovely, yeah.
"All right, dude, what are you up to tonight? Going down to the chippie for a pint, mate?
"Meet some prossies tonight?"
"Did you see the fight on Match Of The Day last night..."
What's that? No, OK.
I tell you what, maybe for you it's best not to say too much,
OK, keep it short, keep it sweet. Mm-hm.
Always leave them wanting more.
Exactly, say it again. Always leave them wanting more.
Leave them or lead them? Lea..leave, leave them.
Leave, leave, you confuse me now. Always leave them... OK.
Always leave them wanting more. Exactly.
Sick.
Um, so this is actually, like, a fish pedicure, which is really good
if you have, like, dry skin or arthritis, so...
How are we getting on? Does it tickle, does it? Yeah.
Yeah? Yeah, no, it probably won't cos I'm actually a qualified freelance nail technician, so...
Yeah, so I do a lot of these sort of therapies on Angel at home already.
She's very used to this kind of thing. Oh, nice.
I was actually going to get some of these fish myself for my home salon
but the man at the pet shop wasn't sure what I meant.
Being a mum is the hardest job in the world
and probably the most important job in the world.
As soon as you give birth, you've got the job
and then you need to work hard and make sure that you can keep the job.
I'm trying to get him to put his feet in.
No, he's a man, they don't do... Daddy seems to like the fish, doesn't he?
Shall we see if Daddy would like to get his feet done? Yes.
Nah, I mean... He's not her daddy, he's our driver.
I just drove down here, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Um, I'll just go to the car actually. Yeah, see you in a bit.
Oh, do you know what, yeah, shove your mini Kias, up your arse, mate.
Absolute mug!
So, boss, let me know if you need any help, yeah.
I mean, you know, anything you can get from Argos, Chabuddy G can get you as well.
Tell you what, Chabuds, mate, have you got a smoke machine
cos I've still got so much more on this list I still ain't got.
I ain't got a cake, balloons, party food,
strobe light, banners, clown.
Oh, fuck! And also I ain't got Angel's birthday present.
Listen, mate, don't worry, OK? Just don't worry.
How much money you got?
About 70s, I reckon, around about that. £70, yeah.
I still got to get her a present.
It's bit of a coincidence cos, you know, I organise parties all the time.
I can give you the full party package and it includes every...
Let me just check.
It will include...
OK, balloons, clown...
Yeah, pretty much everything on there I can do for you.
All that, what, for 70?
All for 70, mate, OK? Party's practically my middle name, yeah.
Chaparty G.
Do you usually do it from the top, then? Ow!
Sorry, yeah, that's how I was trained to do it, yeah. That's how I'm going to do it.
Interesting, yeah. It's like a foreign technique.
So maybe if we get a bit more, like, from below.
That's it and take a deep breath.
Yeah, you're ready?
Good girl.
Hi, babe. Yeah, right now?
'Looking for Angel's present now actually.' Ah, OK.
'There's so much man, there's so much.' Yeah, maybe, like, get her something different.
Like, she's got loads of guns now, like.
No, I'm not getting her guns, I'm by all the girly stuff, so... 'All right.'
So I was just ringing to check, so I'll speak to you in a bit, yeah? Bye babe.
It's mad actually, like...
presents are a proper big deal to kids, like, these days, like.
Ah these are... These are all right, innit?
Seen that? That's sick.
Oh, she'll love this, yeah.
That's a good piece, that is.
I shouldn't have give Chabuds all that money, actually.
Here's one, though. A little trick of the trade if you want a discount,
all you've got to do is give it a little...
Ah, fucker...just...
No, good, good quality that is, actually.
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
Oh, probably the best place cos...
..read that, music.
That's her main passion anyway, so...
Wh... Ah, no wires as well.
That is...
That's sick. She'll love this, like.
# As we enter, as we enter
♪ Birthday thing for the one Angel. ♪
I've smashed it, ain't I?
You know, yeah.
♪ Inside, inside... ♪
Jokes. It's not on, so...
They're in there, they'll call you in when they're ready.
Right, cheers, fella, thank you.
(Fuck. I think that was a girl.)
Ah, it's all fluffy at the back.
I love these...water coolers.
Let me just...
Perfect.
Yeah, that's looking smooth right now.
Free water here, as well, yeah.
They ain't mucking about, they know what they're doing.
Uh!
Uh, God.
Uh, God, I'd use the...
I'd use the bloody stairs cos the lift is jammed.
I tell you what, I haven't sweated this much since my last brush with passport control.
Grindah! Hello, mate. Here they are, boss.
Just wrapping up the presents.
Ah...
Smashed it, come through, yeah? Yeah. All good?
Yeah, brilliant, man.
Let's see what you've got.
Chocolate willies? Yeah.
Everything's cock-related. It's my little girl's birthday party and there's cocks everywhere.
I know, listen... Oh, for f... It's still all classic party stuff.
No. All we've got to do is disguise it a little bit, OK?
Think about it, if you change it and it doesn't look like a willy
you won't think twice before putting it in your mouth. I'm not putting that in my mouth!
I'm not putting anything like that anywhere near my mouth.
The company is called Chabuddy's Party Package,
which is a bit of a play on words, you know what I mean.
Er, it's mostly aimed at hen parties. I've never really done a children's party before
but, I mean, it's the same thing really, isn't it?
Where's the smoke machine? I got incense, mate.
What's incense? It's like smoke machines
but it has a lovely aroma attached to it, free of charge.
So not a smoke machine? Not exactly... Fucked it up, great(!)
I've got a choice of cherry or sandalwood. Oh, for f...
Definitely cherry. Good choice.
Why the fuck do I want to smell of sandals?
What's that, then? That's one of my favourites, actually.
Oh, willies, for... After dinner willies. They have sauce...
Stop touching them!
Mint, minty...
Feeling quite confident, actually.
Yeah.
Oh, vibrating.
Roche...
"Don't... Fuck this."
Words of encouragement.
Kevin Bates? Hello, boss.
Hi, Kevin, I'm Chris, I'm a friend of Roche's. How are you doing? Yeah, good, man. You?
Good, very good, thank you. Lovely. I've just got these boys with me, I hope that's all right.
Er, yeah, Roche warned me about them Oh, right.
You're not Watchdog, are you?
No, cos we're completely above board here. Yeah.
Er, listen, this is really just a formality, nothing too much for you to worry about. OK.
Regional manager's going to be sitting in.
I'm going to ask a few questions, no tests or anything like that.
Ah, yeah, fuck doing a test, mate. I've never done a test in my life.
Um, anyway, do you want to come through? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Have a seat. Cheers, thank you.
Hello, I'm Kevin, nice to meet you.
I'll take this off.
Whoa, Jesus that's pungent.
So, you know what, it's all about just making use of what you've got, using your imagination, like, yeah?
So the chocolate penis cake is now a caterpillar cake, yeah?
Chocolate willies, now bunny rabbits, yeah?
Novelty condoms, balloons. Disgusting.
Business is all about adapting, you know, rolling with the punches.
Um, for example, I used to have this Indian restaurant back in the day when I first started out
but I changed it to an Italian one cos there was just too
many Indian restaurants in the Curry Mile, so I adapted, yeah.
So in the menu we changed a few things, we had the...
The samosa calzone, we had the spaghetti tikka masala, yeah.
We even renamed the chef, so Gurday became Gino
and Mandy became Mario.
Which was quite funny cos he was a part-time plumber, as well.
Right. Well, um, thank you for coming in to see us today, Kevin.
And thank you for having me in your wonderful establishment.
Er, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself.
Well, my name's Kevin Bates, AKA Beats.
I co-run a pirate radio station called Kurupt FM,
108.9 on the dial, best believe.
Um, we play mainly garage music and drum 'n' bass quite late in the evening,
but not the new stuff, more old school jungle sort of stuff.
So, yeah, I'm a DJ but I also ad lib a bit, as well,
and I run it with my partner in crime, MC Grindah.
We're keeping numbers down this year
so just invited, like, Angel's main friends, so just, like, Beats,
Steves, Weapon X, all that lot, and, like, her nan's coming, as well.
A lot of her school mates are quite immature and there are a few of them that
Grindah didn't really get on with, so...
it's better to keep them away so we don't have any trouble this year.
(There you go.)
Love this tune.
(Look at this.) Happy birthday!
Come here, ah!
Surprise! Do you like it? Yeah, it smells really nice...
Ah, that's called incense, it's a new thing.
It's actually like smoke machines but better and more fragrant. I love the bling.
Don't touch them, they're a bit greasy, so you don't touch them either.
And don't let her touch the chocolate bunnies.
I've been surrounded by ties my whole life.
By the age of 13, when I started at school, I really got into them,
just sort of looking at the way people do them up,
just wear them, and, like, yeah,
so man does have a huge passion in ties.
Right, great, moving on.
Um, what sort of skill sets do you have that would enable you to perform this role effectively?
Er, skill sets...
DJ set eight till ten, so...
Do you want me to repeat the question? I'm going to stop you there actually, Christopher,
cos I need to head to the toilet, if that's all right. OK, well, actually...
No, don't worry, I know where it is.
(Move, move.)
Always leave 'em wanting more. Standard.
Job done.
Sweet.
Stop. So, on Angel, yeah.
What is it? Lucky girl.
No, Steves... No, move it on, mate, it's not your game, it's for Angel.
Let 'em have one layer!
Oh, Mum, be nice. This is my mum, Carol.
Don't tell 'em my name. People will think we're sisters.
You've used that once.
Keep it moving.
Keep it moving, Steves.
Yeah, there's, like, there's good news and there's bad news.
Well, I already know the bad news cos I spoke to Chris earlier.
Yeah, I didn't really get that one.
No, of course you didn't get it cos you fucking walked out halfway through!
Sorry.
I absolutely smashed it with this one, yeah, come.
Come here, wait till you see this.
Whose is... Whose is that one?
Oh, it's Decoy's. Which one's yours?
Well, nothing. It's pointless now cos Decoy's is massive. Mine's tiny compared to his.
All right, guys, listen. Special appearance coming very soon,
get your party hats on cos we're going to have a good time,
all right, special performance coming quite soon.
Yes, bruv. Decoy!
I'm telling Decoy about my modelling days. Decoy doesn't give a shit about your modelling days.
Oh, shut up. I don't know why you knock around with him, I swear to God.
God, you weren't exactly a model, you were an extra in a DFS advert.
Why have you got a massive present? It ain't nothing big, trust me.
Of course it is, it's bigger than all the rest.
Kids love massive presents.
Mine's tiny comparing to yours.
That's all right. No, we've got to swap.
Bruv, no, it's cool, man, just give her yours. It ain't about size, is it?
Well, it's easy for you to say, you're Jamaican.
Don't touch the balloon, don't touch the balloon.
Oh, no, you have got to grow up!
I'm already struggling supporting Craig and fucking Debbo.
Who's Debbo? Oh, he's that fucking African kid me and Craig sponsor.
Oh, yeah, he loves him to bits, though.
To be fair you can't put a price on them things.
Hello? Am I getting through to you at all?
Yeah, sorry.
Just that clown looks proper weird, like.
Where's his shirt?
Maybe it's just like modern clown, sort of thing.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Now, the special entertainer for tonight,
Mr Throb De Niro!
The clown.
Oh... Yay, a clown.
Never had a clown before, have you, Ange?
So, no helicopter stuff today, all right?
Come on, then, mate, get to it.
What do you want me to do?
"I'm Sexy And I Know It" by LMFAO
Don't do that.
I think that part of being a mum is just being able to, like, handle whatever gets thrown at you.
Like, I've got this mug, it says on it,
"keep calm and be a mum",
and, like, that's, like, a slogan I just live by now.
OK, listen, make an animal out of this or something, man.
Whatever happens, I'll always have to look after Angel,
like, make sure she's going to school and not getting fat or anything.
If, like, one day I do look down on her and she's getting a bit,
like, you know, chunky or whatever, then I'll just know what to do.
Oh, my God, you could crack walnuts with those!
No, you couldn't. Right, that's it, you're done, mate, get out, get out!
Sick. Get out.
You're finished.
That was good, wasn't it? Like, he was actually, like, a technically talented dancer.
Yeah, I'd like him for my birthday, Miche.
I haven't been paid. I don't give a fuck. Sort it out with Chabuds.
It's a five-year-old's birthday party. She'll be scarred for life now.
It's all right, he'll come back, he'll come back.
You're going to open some presents? That'll be fun, wouldn't it?
Yeah? Which one do you want first?
That one? Yeah?
I think that's the one from Daddy so maybe he should be here when you open it.
Why is it... Is it closed? Come on!
What's...
It's not moving.
Ah.
It's baby shampoo.
Ah, baby shampoo from Steves.
Yeah, I couldn't think what else they really use, so...
Hello?
You're fucking joking me.
Yeah.
Sweet.
A doll's house!
Look at that!
I love it! I mean Angel loves it.
Thanks Uncle Decoy.
What do you say? You don't like it?
No, I don't have to say... OK.
Do you want to open Daddy's one? Oh, he'd love this.
I've got to call.
No fucking signal. Have you got... Have you got a phone on ya?
You'd see if I had it, mate.
What about you lot? I've got to tell 'em to stop the party!
What, you got a microphone from Daddy?
Yeah, best present.
♪ It's Beats and Grindah here to get you hyper ♪
♪ It's Beats and Grindah here to get you hyper. ♪
Hello! Press that one. Shut up.
Conducting. Just pure conduction.
Monday... Is the day that we roll.
Tuesday...
It's going straight to voice mail.
Ah, you can tell, you can just tell.
Angel is a bit of a tomboy, like, but she's also got her girly side.
Like, half of her is me, you know, like, girly, nails, shopping,
and then the other half of her is a bit more, like, violent,
like stabbing stuff and, like, breaking all her toys
and, like, shouting at me, and that's more like her Grindah side.
Have you got a screwdriver or something?
Completely pointless, this whole thing.
Did you just fart?