Tonight it's the dos and don'ts of travel and transport
catching a cab, avoiding someone on the bus
and seat etiquette on a plane.
Timber!
- That How Not To Behave. - (Applause)
- Hello, I'm Matt Okine. - And I'm Gretel Killeen.
And this is How Not To Behave, your one-way ticket
to a brave new frontier where the local currency's good manners.
Yes, the world is becoming very rude and we don't like it.
We want kindness, consideration and respect.
We want phone calls returned, doors opened for others
and leaf-blowers completely bloody banned!
That is our crusade
and tonight, the chapter we'll be adding to your manners manuals
is travel,
starting with public transport,
the veritable hub of germ exchange, space invasion and egomania.
Now, if you're part of the one in ten Australians
who rely on public transport to get to work,
chances are you're gonna bump into someone you know.
But what if you're mad hung-over
and don't wanna talk to your ex-girlfriend
about their cat's eye operation?
Is it OK to just smash the bus window with your laptop
and army roll out of there to avoid pleasantries?
Maybe.
Here are the do's and don'ts
of avoiding your acquaintances on public transport.
NARRATOR: Sometimes you will see a person on the bus
whom you know but have to no wish to speak with.
It maybe be someone you have nothing in common with,
who you actively dislike
or perhaps someone you dated disastrously on Tinder.
Showing someone you don't want them to sit with you is not an option.
As much as we may dislike that someone,
we still want them to like us.
However, you can successfully use the following strategies
to avoid someone you know.
Fake sleeping is a method that works particularly well
on early morning public transport.
- Hey. - The technique here is to be patient
and perhaps even pretend to snore.
(Snores)
The next strategy requires a little more acting ability.
Simply stare into the distance
as though pondering the big existential questions,
like 'How big is space?'
Or 'What's in a sausage?'
The third strategy is pretending
to have already started your work day on the bus.
The more gadgets you can employ at once,
the more convincing you will be.
If you use this strategy,
always remember to keep your phone on 'silent'.
(Phone rings)
Hello.
I can't stand talking to people
that you don't wanna talk to on public transport.
I'm just a headphones in.
It's like a cloaking device, it's like, 'Oh, you can't see me.'
You know? Do you put your headphones on really loudly?
- No! - 'Cause that is rude.
- No, I don't put 'em loudly. - How do you know?
- Well... - Have you put them on your own head
and stepped outside your own body and listened? No.
What I do do. When I'm, like,
'Oh, can everyone hear I'm listening to Miley Cyrus Party In The USA?
I take my headphones out, cover them up and I sit back,
and I go, 'No.'
Well, there are actually apps that help you avoid
those people that you don't wanna talk to, alright?
The Split is one.
It's an application that uses location data in social media
to create... Serious.
.. a real-time map of people you don't wanna bump into.
I find this kind of ridiculous.
You're on public transport
why should you think it's a private space?
Because... small talk is rubbish, it's, like, 'Oh, how are you going?'
- Maybe it's the way YOU do it. - I'm on a bus!
I'm annoyed, OK? That's how I'm going. I'm going to be late.
Firstly, maybe you need to listen a bit more and...
.. secondly, every experience is an opportunity to grow, Matt.
You could meet people and learn new things about the world.
This is my No 1 gripe, OK?
Take your bag off the seat, alright?
'Oh, is your bag a bit tired, is it?
Eh?
'Your bag need a seat, does it?' Here's the other thing
if you don't want someone sitting next to you, OK,
all you have to do is act like
you really want them to sit next to you, OK?
Everyone's, like, peer out the window or whatever.
Nothing deters someone from sitting next to you
as if you just sit on your seat and go...
Speaking of seat, how old does someone have to be
before you'll give up your seat for them?
We put this one to the people of Australia and discovered that...
Nah, nah, nah-nah.
22% give up their seat for someone older than 50.
And 61% give their seat for someone older than 65.
I dunno how they're doing that
they check IDs and then let them sit down?
Now, 16% give up their seat for anyone with grey hair.
Which is completely weird,
because anyone who actually has grey hair, dyes it,
and the only people who have grey hair are all those kids
who are, like 14 or 15,who dye it grey.
I'm not... I don't give my seat to people, OK?
Unless, like, they're really old.
I mean, sometimes you see an old man and you think, 'Should I stand up?'
But then, I'm, like, 'Nah, you know what?
I'm doing you a favour, you know?
'This might be some of the little exercise you get every now and then.'
No, whatever.
It's like finishing all the wine at a dinner party, you know?
Everyone's, like, 'How selfish.'
'No, I'm preserving YOUR health, you know? I'm being good here.'
I'm only gonna stand up for you
if you're heaps old or heaps preggies, OK?
- That's just it. - Well, that is truly horrible.
- Whatevs. - But I will tell you this.
That in London, they actually have badges that women can wear
that say 'Baby on board',
because people can't tell if a woman's actually pregnant.
So, you wear this sign. I wear one all the time. I've just forged it.
Another area of behaviour that really gets my goat
on public transport is personal grooming.
- Love it. - No! No. It's too...
I don't want you filing down your bunions on my... train ride.
- It's gross. - Well, I'll make a note of that.
- What about flossing? - No. No.
I'm not down with it at all.
But we thought we'd find out how much other passengers would put up with
by secretly sending the unflappable Zoe Coombs Marr
and a sneaky hidden camera crew out for a day trip on the train.
Check it out.
Excuse me, sorry. Can you tell me if that's blended?
- Yeah. - Is it? To there?
- Yeah. Just a little bit more on that side. - Thanks.
Do you mind holding that for a second while I do my eye-liner?
(Hair-dryer blows)
Sorry, do you mind just doing the back just there?
- There we go. - Thanks so much.
- (Speaks indistinctly) - But I might get it wrong.
'Cause it's so so rocky in here.
- All done? - Yeah. - Yeah, good.
Oh, my lord!
Ridiculous.
- Yeah, do we...? - Alright. Thanks.
Do you wanna warm one up? So you can have...? Like this.
- Do you wanna have a go? - Yeah, just...
Yeah, I think so. There's gotta be a line somewhere.
(Ripping)
PA: This train will stop at North Sydney.
(Water bubbles)
Gotta relax somehow.
I think a lot of people watching that would be,
'What have I been wasting my time looking out of the window for?
I could be getting my nails done, my hair did.'
Now, I'll tell you one rule -- don't talk loudly on your mobile
unless you are happy for us to butt in.
I think it's your duty if you're on the phone
to drop interesting stuff, that's all.
Talk as loud as you want, just do some interesting things
to the people, like, 'Oh, I dunno if that girl does like you, dude.'
Like, that's what you wanna know, you wanna hear the drama.
So, invading our ear space is one thing,
but there is a current outrage bubbling
over the invasion of our visual space.
Not having a man's crotch -- or 'crutch' as you may call it
shoved in your face, so to speak.
Yes, we're talking about the phenomenon of 'manspreading'.
Now, this is a phrase I cannot stand,
but this is where men sit with their legs so wide apart
you'd think they're about to give birth.
Yes. How aware are we of this social trend?
66% of us have noticed it nationally,
but when you break it down city by city,
in Sydney, 67% of men have noticed it,
compared to 83% of women.
OK. One would therefore assume that women are most often the victims.
Why do you manspread?
Because it's more comfortable, OK?
For whom?
- For my balls. - (Laughter)
Honestly.
- Wha... - It's so uncomfortable.
The whole reason why my balls are on the outside, alright,
is because they don't like warm places.
I'm serious! Alright?
If it was up to me, I'd sit on the train like this
with a little fan, OK?
I'd plug it into Zoe's little portable generator.
She's be waxing, I'd be fanning.
I just think it's interesting
because, like, women are not allowed to sit like that, for a start.
Who says they're not allowed to? They can do it.
- Everybody frowns upon women sitting like that. - I ain't gonna frown.
And women don't...
Women don't like you sitting like that.
The science is like this, right?
If you have two rulers, right?
And a grape something the size of a grape, alright?
It's where that grape sits,
which is right at the axis point of those two rulers, OK?
So that grape can be tiny, but the rulers have to sit like that,
'cause if they get any closer,
that grape is gonna be close to the wine-making process,
just like that, OK?
Gone.
It's funny because you've always tried to give us the impression
- that you're really well-endowed... - No, I'm not!
Now we know it's the size of a grape. Uh, so...
(Chuckles)
The thing is humans do have design faults, alright?
You've got your leg-and-grape situation and...
- But do you know what else is a major design fault? - Mm.
Aeroplanes.
- And you know what's really bad about aeroplanes? - Go on.
It's that the owners of them -- the corporations that run them
want to reduce the amount of space we have on them.
They were actually flagging the idea to fit more seats in,
that some people could buy standing-room-only on a plane.
Now airlines wanna stop your seat reclining.
We have no joy on a flight anymore.
The meal comes in a plastic bag, just a sliced piece of apple,
and reclining is the only remaining pleasure we have.
But it turns out there are rules here too. Let's take a look.
NARRATOR: One of the chief causes of discomfort on a plane
is the reclining seat.
While it enables the user to stretch out,
the seat back encroaches upon the limited personal space
of the passenger behind.
So, how can the recliner and the passenger behind them
co-exist in harmony?
An airline seat may be reclined
provided the recliner has politely announced their intentions.
Excuse me, do you mind if I put my seat back?
I'll give you 100 degrees.
- 150? - 120.
Fair enough.
- Is that cool? - Yep.
When announcing your intention to recline,
it is essential to allow the rear passenger time
to make any necessary adjustments.
Timber!
Hey!
What, I said 'timber'.
Socially acceptable angles of recline
also factor in flight durations.
Flights over four hours allow a full 140-degree recline.
It is unacceptable to recline your seat at all
on flights of two hours or less.
On flights this short, you should behave as you would in a taxi.
City, thanks.
I don't really get that. I know you don't like people reclining.
I hate people reclining.
So, you never recline your seat.
- Even if you're flying from here to London, you never do? - No.
Overnight, if there's sleeping involved, yeah
and I don't mind if anyone else does it
but if it's, you know, Sydney to Melbourne, Perth to Adelaide,
no, OK?
But, OK, with that said, a survey that Skyscanner did recently
found that 91% of travellers
wanted to see an end of the reclining seat on a plane.
And I'm one of them, OK?
Reclining seats regularly break laptops,
they trap larger passengers,
and earlier this year a Sydney mother
lodged a formal complaint with Jetstar,
claiming another passenger
struck her 12 month-old child
'on purpose' with the reclining seat.
Yes. Yes.
Finally, an adult has ruined a baby's flight for once. Yes.
(Chuckles)
I don't know, there's so much meanness in the world,
why can't people just share?
There's a product now called the Knee Defender, alright?
It's technically called a 'seat-blocker'.
You attach it to the back of the seat in front of you,
and it physically stops them
from being able to recline their seat.
Right? Which, to me, is the best idea in the world.
But they're so effective
that Virgin and Qantas banned the devices last year.
I personally don't need to buy one,
because I have a personal seat-blocker called legs.
And there's nothing I can do. Look how long my legs are.
You try and you can't even get back, alright?
That doesn't even make sense,
because the chair reclines from there.
No, trust me, people try and they don't...
The only way your body could stop someone reclining
was if you had enormous bosoms or a huge head.
- You're not far off. - (Laughs)
You know, a great example of what's not OK on planes
is the behaviour of the daughter of an Korean Air executive.
She demanded the crew chief be removed from the flight
after a steward served her nuts in a bag, not a dish.
This incident of nut rage has since seen her sentenced to prison.
I once was on a flight and one of the flight attendants said to me,
praising a show I was on,
said, 'Fantastic. I'd like to show you how amazing you are.'
And sometimes in the olden days
you'd be given a bottle of wine or a bottle of champagne.
I thought, 'Ooh! This'll be lovely.'
He came back and he gave me eight packets of those little peanuts.
So you think there's nothing more to being a passenger
than sitting in your seat and staring out the window.
Well, you're wrong the rules don't stop once you're off the plane.
Check this out.
Airport, thanks.
- You, uh, flying somewhere? - How did you guess?
NARRATOR: Taxi drivers
spend between 12 and 15 hours a day in their car.
Not only is this unhygienic,
it also engenders a sense that you are a guest in their home.
(Hocks) There, I got him.
However, there are certain parts of the taxi
the passenger is allowed to control, namely the windows, the radio
and the air-conditioning.
Taxi drivers often make outrageous statements.
When is it OK to argue with them?
Tell you what the problem with this country is...
Here is the rule. If they raise the following subjects,
it's open season for an argument.
One thing though, women aren't funny.
OK, I have heard quite about enough.
Will you be quiet and drive?
I was listening to Andrew Bolt the other day.
(Bleep), he's got some good ideas.
Paying the fare is an area that causes some passengers confusion.
Uh, that'll be $49.60, thank you.
It is often polite to round up the figure
to avoid waiting for small change.
Keep the change.
Oh, really the whole 40c? Thank you.
But sometimes the change is worth waiting for.
Alright, that'll be, uh, $45.60.
In this situation, a coin-off can develop.
Drivers often use a technique called 'slow-coining'
in a bid to avoid giving the passenger
the change they're entitled to.
How long you wait for your change
depends on the amount you are owed.
$1.
(Clock ticking)
Taxi drivers are highly skilled in the coin-off.
Oh, that's fine. See you later.
(Ding!)
Yeah!
No. Slow-coin all you want, man,
I could be late for my own wedding day
and I would still wait for that change.
(Laughs) Now, you know what?
We have got a taxi driver with us right now.
I don't know that he was any good at it,
he thought coining in that sketch was hilarious.
It's time to meet our guest for the week.
He's an actor, writer, comedian, and he even used to drive a cab.
Would you please welcome the incredible Lawrence Mooney.
Thank you very much, Gretel.
Matty, lovely to be here.
And just proof that I was, in fact, a cab driver,
- there's my old ID. - WOMAN: Fake.
Yeah, it is not fake. How dare you!
Yeah, I drove in 2007.
I primarily drove
'cause I wanted to find out what it was like to drive a cab,
and I wanted to write a Comedy Festival show too.
So, what are your rules for being a passenger then?
- We saw a few there. - Oh, I'm strictly back seat now.
- Uh.. - Oh, why?
Back seat. Because I don't wanna engage with the driver.
I don't wanna know anything about their life or views.
Um... That sounds pretty terrible.
Is it offensive if you do sit in the back seat?
- Is it OK? - I think it's big...
Once upon a time, it was seen as quite aloof or arrogant,
but I think it's completely OK now.
When you were driving,
did you try and engage people in conversation?
Not really, but when I was driving,
I discovered something that was a little alarming,
and that was that nobody that lives here as a permanent resident
wants to drive any of us around, 'cause we are a disgrace.
(Laughs) Why are we a disgrace?
Because Friday and Saturday nights, we are a drunk culture.
And it must be amazing to come from a Hindu or a Muslim background
a non-drinking culture
and drive your first cab in an Australian capital city,
because it would be like going to The Planet Of The Apes.
Seriously.
What is the worst behaviour you've ever seen in a cab?
Well, as a driver, I would pick up people
who were incredibly drunk, who most drivers would drive past,
'cause of the fear they'll throw up in your cab.
Now, that person -- that really drunk person
has been unable to get a cab,
so they've started to walk away from the city centre,
and they're in a wilderness all of their own, pissed and lost.
And I would stop and pick that person up.
They're, like, 'Oh, thanks, mate.'
Cold and alone.
And the test of how drunk someone is...
When they get into the cab, firstly, their skeleton's disappeared,
they're just like an invertebrate. 'Ohh!'
And you ask them where they wanna go, and they say 'Home!'
One of the things that I did discover
was when somebody's gonna throw up in a cab.
And there's a couple of... There's a couple of telltale signs.
They start chewing air.
- 'You OK, mate?' - 'Yeah... I'll be OK.'
And then the red alert is when they start
sucking the moisture out of their own mouths, where they're...
'Mmm.'
And then you would pull the cab over, open the door
and the momentum would take them out of the cab.
As a driver, how good were you at the coin offer?
Did you ever try to sort of draw it out?
Not really, no.
The first thing I bought was one of those spring-loaded things.
- Ooh, yeah! - I always wanted one of those a kid.
- They really look fun. - I wanted to play shops.
Ding, ding, ding! 'There's your change.'
- (Chuckles) - And, of course, cab drivers,
because they're frightened of being ripped off,
hide money all over the place, so it's not in one central location.
And that's another reason why the coin-off.
So, the coins aren't all in the console
they're kind of secreted all around the cab.
It's, like, 'OK, here's your two bucks. Here's your five bucks.'
So, you know, they've got money hidden everywhere.
Let's get just your thoughts on planes.
What's your opinion of reclining seats?
Alright, um, I don't recline on domestic routes.
I don't... I can sleep...
I can, you know, nod with the seat upright.
And I am so needy to be loved
that I don't want the person behind me to hate me.
I don't want them to go, 'Oh, Lawrence Mooney, what an arsehole!'
(Laughs)
So, I don't recline.
Of course, on a long flight, after you've eaten,
when the lights go out, it's time to sleep.
- Yes. So, I think that's the rule. - Perfect sense. - I agree.
Completely the rule. So, have you got any final tips?
Any final rules, as a taxi driver, as a commuter?
I think when you're travelling, you know,
you just should completely surrender to your surrounds.
You know, don't be too busy about getting to your destination
and think, 'Well, I'm on this form of transport',
be it a supersonic jet or a tram or a taxi,
and just be in the place.
I know it sounds very Zen, but it's just gonna help everybody.
- Just be there. - Aww.
- Be in the moment. - I love that. - That's perfect.
- I love that. - Please thank Lawrence Mooney.
- Thanks a lot. - (Applause)
Well, of course,
we've talked about all these different forms of transport,
being in a passenger in them.
But the flipside, of course, is giving someone a lift.
We're talking just personally here.
Now, nearly two in three Australians drive to work,
which means one in three Australians
would probably appreciate a lift home.
But what are the rules to keep in mind
when asking for, or giving someone a ride?
(Thunderclaps, chatter)
Hey, Jen. Jen, Jen, sorry.
Jen, hi. Are you driving home?
Yeah, I've just gotta get my daughter from kindy
and then go see Mum at the hospital.
Oh, is she at Lady Margaret Hospital?
- Yeah. - Oh, fantastic.
That's actually right near me. Is it alright if I grab a lift?
Yeah. If it's close by.
Yeah, yeah, it is is, it's absolutely close by.
You know, give or take a few suburbs.
Um...
NARRATOR: The main rule for driving somebody home
is that if their house is on your way,
then you must take them
the entire distance.
But if their destination
is the opposite direction to yours,
you are only required
to drive them 50% of the way.
Oh.
Before agreeing to give someone a lift,
it is good to set fixed parameters to avoid later disappointment.
I'm really running late.
Is it OK if I just stop you at the station?
If you are the liftee, it is a social requirement
that you keep asking for a lift once every kilometre.
Are you sure you don't mind driving me?
- No, it's not a problem. - Thank you.
- Are you sure you don't mind giving me lift? - Thank you.
But if you ask any more frequently than this,
you will cause your driver stress and irritation.
- Is it really OK to drop me off? - Yeah, it's fine.
- Are you sure? - Yep.
- Are you sure it's no hassle? - Nope.
- Are you sure you're OK with it? - Yep, it's fine.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
- Sure you're OK with it? - Yeah. - Sure it's no hassle? - Yep.
Are you sure? Really sure?
(Tyres screech)
Oh, I love scabbing a lift. Scabbing a lift all the time.
And people always apologise for the state of their car.
They're always, 'I'm really sorry.'
It's, like, 'You're giving me the lift. I don't care.
It's not a limo service, I'll take anything.'
I lent my car to somebody once,
and they went and got takeaway food curry
and they spilled all the takeaway food containers in the car.
Then they just gave me the car back. I had to sell the car.
What about petrol money? You a petrol money person?
I'm usually the one driving,
and I think people should offer to pay petrol over a distance.
What are we talking... 'Cause I wonder how it gets set up?
Is there a global kilometre-per-dollar standard
that people should follow?
Or is it, like, can you just pay $50 a week, like phone credit,
and get all-you-can-drive sort of thing?
No, it's, like, if you're going to Dubbo
and you stop to refill the tank, then the person should offer.
What about if you're going out with someone
and you get a parking fine -- should it be shared?
- Hell, no, it should not be shared! - Yes, it should.
No, it's the driver's responsibility.
If they can't read the parking signs, then they have to pay the fare.
Oh, it's the nuance of life that Matt just doesn't get.
You know, earlier this year, an Adelaide city councillor
called for parking inspectors
to brush up on their etiquette skills and smile more.
Oh, yeah,
'cause that's what you want
when you're getting a ticket
the dude to be smiling.
I think that's OK. I think everybody should smile more.
Now, we've come to the end of the line.
Please return your seat to the upright position.
Has your emotional baggage moved during the flight, Matt?
No, but I have learned
that Gretel is that weirdo who wants to talk to people on the bus.
Yes, I am. And don't expect Matt to give up his seat for you,
unless you're at death's door.
And Gretel is jealous of my awesome manspreading.
Check it out.
- We can't help but check it out, Matt. - Grapes and rulers, baby.
Grapes and rulers.
Join us next week when we continue to fix the world,
one rule at a time.
- Goodnight. - Goodnight.