♪ Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
♪ If you think we're on the run?
♪ We are the boys who will stop your little game
♪ We are the boys who will make you think again
♪ 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
♪ If you think old England's done?
♪ Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21
♪ But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun
♪ So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler
♪ If you think old England's done? ♪
Ah. Captain Mainwaring and the Walmington-on-Sea Platoon are a bit late.
They're using their own transport, sir.
It's a butcher's van. They made it into an armoured car.
- Very ingenious, these Home Guards. - Yes, sir. They're very keen as well.
- A bit too keen if you ask me. - You all right, sir?
Oh, it's this damn twitch I've developed.
I've been running this school of explosives for over a year now.
Only when we got Home Guards for weekend courses did I get a confounded twitch!
- You could do with a spot of leave, sir. - They've no idea of the danger.
They're mad keen, charging all over the place.
One of these days, they'll blow themselves sky-high! I just know it!
Never mind, sir. This is the last of them.
The sooner we get them through the course the better. Then you can sleep easy, sir.
All I can say is roll on tomorrow night!
- Hello. - (HORN BEEPS)
(MAINWARING BARKS ORDERS)
This lot sounds even more keen than the others, sir.
Oh, Lord! All right, Sergeant Major. Look after them.
- Right, then. Bring them all in. - Thank you, Sergeant Major.
Captain Mainwaring, Walmington-on-Sea, reporting for duty, sir.
- Sergeant Wilson, Lance Corporal Jones. - Sir!
We can't wait to get training.
- We haven't handled any live grenades before. - Haven't you?
- I can't wait to get my hands on them. - Neither can I, Captain Mainwaring.
I don't know which I like best - the bayonet or the bomb.
I'm fond of them both, of course. I like Mills bombs best.
I've always wanted to meet that Mr Mills. He must have been very clever.
In 1916 when I was in France, I used to lob those bombs over, one at a time.
Pin out, over, bang!
Over...bang!
They used to call me the Mad Bomber.
I'm not mad, really, you know, sir. I'm as sane as you are.
Oh, really?
If you'll excuse me, I've got rather a lot to do. Make yourselves comfortable.
He's a bit historical, isn't he, sir?
Yes. Let's go and get our bedding.
I think Pike is bringing my stuff in, sir.
Look, we can't have anybody waiting on us in this platoon, Wilson.
This is a democratic unit. We eat, sleep and fight together. Rank doesn't come into it.
Here's your bedding, Uncle Arthur.
Pike, in future you will not wait on Sergeant Wilson.
- We're all equal here. - Shall I take it out again?
Frank, please, don't be absurd. Over there.
- Right. Mum says don't walk on it in your boots. - All right!
Here, we've got to sleep on the ground, have we?
It's either that or stand up all night!
- It won't do my rheumatics much good. - Ach, don't be so peely-wally.
It'll make your back go straight.
At my age, it's already decided which way it wants to go.
(MAINWARING BARKS ORDERS)
- Uncle Arthur? - What is it, Frank?
Have you seen Mr Snuggly?
- Mr who? - Mr Snuggly, my teddy.
No, I haven't.
- Mum said she'd put him in. - Well, I haven't got him.
- I can't get to sleep without him. - I haven't seen him.
- Have a look in your bed. - All right.
- Ah, yes. Here he is. - Don't let anybody see him!
- I thought you wanted him. - If they see him, they might laugh.
- Wrap him in the towel and hand him over. - All right.
What have you got there, Wilson?
Er...
Mr...
- Mr Snuggly. - What?!
He's my...my bear. My...
My teddy bear. I can't get off without him.
Extraordinary (!)
- Here. - Thank you, Uncle Arthur.
- What are you doing, Jonesy? - Making me bed.
You gonna grow strawberries in it?!
- Of course not! - What you got that net on it for?
For mosquitoes. A mosquito net.
What? There's no mosquitoes here, you silly old duffer!
But it goes with the bed, doesn't it? We've been together for 50 years.
- # And it don't seem a day too much! # - I was very glad of this net in the Sudan.
It doesn't just keep out mosquitoes. It keeps out snakes an' all.
Snakes tried to get into bed with you?
Yeah. Snakes? It's cold out in the desert.
Them snakes used to come in and try to snuggle in beside you.
Urgh.
It's all right. They're not cold and slimy.
They're all warm and soft.
There's one used to come round every night round my tent.
And round my net. What did I call him? Charlie, I called him.
His little face used to look in through the net, a little pathetic look in his eyes
as if to say, ''I'm cold. Let me come in.''
I never let him in, though. I don't like that sort of thing, you know.
- Everything all right? - Yes, my chaps are settling in, thank you.
- Good, good. Where are you sleeping? - Here.
- You're not sleeping with the men, are you? - Yes.
Oh, my dear fellow. Can't have that. Bad for discipline.
- Oh. Do you really think so? - Definitely, old boy. It's just not on.
- We officers have got to stick together. - I usually muck in with my chaps.
My dear fellow, it's a mistake. Where would it all end?
You take a tip from me. You rig up separate quarters for yourself and your sergeant.
Look here, I'll see you later.
- All right. - Grub up! Come and get it!
- Let's get our tea! I'm famished! - What is it, sir? What?
- Wait till they've all gone. - I thought I'd get some food, sir.
- That'll wait till later. This is important. - What is?
I, uh...
I think you and I had better sleep together.
- Together? - Away from the others.
I'm awfully sorry. I don't quite follow you.
I've come to the conclusion that it's very bad for discipline to sleep with the ORs.
- ORs? - Other ranks.
But you said we were all going to eat, sleep and fight together.
Yes. From now on, we'll just eat and fight together. Give me a hand with this blanket.
♪ It's a hap-hap-happy day Toodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-ay
♪ For you and me... ♪
- That was a wizard tea. - Aye, you're right. It wisnae half bad.
You know, they're doing their very best to make us feel comfortable.
- That seed cake was nice, wasn't it? - The caraway seeds give me indigestion.
- Then why did you bring that bit back? - I'll eat it later after I pick the seeds out.
Silly old fool!
Hello. What's this?
''Officers and sergeants only.''
- Ohh (!) - I wonder why Mr Mainwaring's done that.
It's obvious. He's getting ideas above his station. He really thinks he is an officer!
So he is. He deserves a little privacy.
Rubbish! Rubbish! We're a civilian army and he's only holding a wartime commission.
- Jonesy, come on. - Boys, come and look at this.
Ha!
''Officers and sergeants only''?! That's a bit strong, innit?
Mr Mainwaring's not like that. He usually mucks in with all of us.
So, chaps, did you have a nice tea?
I think we'll be very comfortable here.
I'm going to play some gramophone records. Any requests?
What about ''Don't Fence Me In''?
I haven't got that one, Frazer.
'Ere, Sergeant, why's Mr Mainwaring gone all toffee-nosed?
Well, I think he...got the impression that it was bad for discipline
for us to sleep with the ''ors''.
Well, the...other ranks.
- Oh, other ranks, yeah. - ORs.
- (MAINWARING) Sergeant Wilson! - Yes?
Come in here, will you? I want you to wind the gramophone.
Go away, boy.
Right, sir.
- What's the matter with Frazer? - Nothing as far as I know, sir.
His manner's very offhand and downright rude. And he's upsetting the others.
What makes you say that?
I detected a distinct change in the atmosphere. The men were surly and sullen.
- I'm very sensitive about these things. - Perhaps you upset them.
Don't be absurd. I've hardly spoken to them.
No, no. Frazer.
- You don't think he's a Communist? - What on earth makes you say that, sir?
Well...
He has the look of a Communist about him to me.
I've noticed that when we're on night duty,
he never plays Monopoly with the rest of the men.
- Oh, really, sir. - It's all very well to laugh.
Pay attention. You're all off duty until lights out at 2200 hours.
There's a free issue of two pints of beer each in the canteen.
We're not giving you any more
because Captain Reed wants you to have a steady hand when you throw those bombs!
Well, Sergeant Major, you can tell Captain Reed not to worry.
We shall be there, ready and steady.
That should cheer him up no end (!)
What did the Sergeant Major want?
He says there's two free pints of beer for everyone in the canteen.
Oh, splendid. We'll have a convivial evening.
There you are. How about coming to the mess for a drink?
- What mess? - The officers' mess.
- We could have a chota peg or two. - We were just all off to the NAAFI.
Oh, my hat. Come here.
There's no harm in having the odd drink with the men, but don't overdo it.
- Oh, no, only a couple of pints. - All the other officers will be in the mess.
If you don't turn up, they'll think you're a bit...odd.
- Will they really? I wouldn't want that. - Of course not.
- Hang on a minute. I'll get my cap. - Good fellow.
- I say, Wilson... - Yes?
Awful bore, but...I've got to go and have a drink in the officers' mess.
- Oh, what a shame! - Yes.
- You won't be coming with us, then? - No, I won't.
If I don't go, they'll... they'll think I'm a bit odd, you see.
- You do understand, don't you? - Of course I do, yes.
- You don't want to look odd. - No, of course I don't.
I'd ask you to come with us, but...officers only, you know.
- Well, see the chaps have a good time. - Yes.
- Seen my cap anywhere? - Er...
Oh, thank you very much.
Stupid boy.
Well, have a good time, chaps. And...don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Come on, Main-waring. Come along.
And there it was - hanging out of the window as large as life!
Hello, fellows! Hello, hello. Now, let me introduce you all.
Main-waring, Walmington-on-Sea Platoon. Pritchard, HQ.
And Ashley-Jones, Dimwich Platoon. Take your belt off, old boy.
Now where are we? Same again, what? Three large whiskies.
- What are you having, Main-waring? - Sweet sherry, please.
- Sweet sherry (!) - Sorry, sir. We've only got whisky.
Damn glad to have it, too! Make it four large whiskies.
- I don't think I can manage a large whisky. - Don't tell me you don't drink.
Oh, I have a pint of beer after parade and the odd sherry.
A spot of whisky won't do you any harm. Sit down, sit down.
It's so damn hard to get. Drink it when you can, Main-waring.
Dash, there I go calling you Main-waring. You call it Mainwaring, don't you?
I knew a chap out in India, called himself Chumley, spelt his name Cholmondeley.
Absolute idiot.
We used to call him Chilli Mushrooms.
Chilli Mush...!
How frightfully amusing!
Terribly clever. Chilli Mushrooms.
Thank you, thank you.
Well... Cheers, everybody.
- So sorry. Cheers. - Cheers.
(WILSON) Cheers.
(MEN) Cheers.
- This is the end. - Eh?
I said this is the end.
No, it isn't. I've got another full bottle here.
As soon as I get back, I'm resigning.
You can't, Taffy. Your country needs you (!)
I'll be there when I'm needed, but I'm not serving under Mainwaring any more.
- Uncle Arthur? - What is it, Frank?
Would you like to finish my beer?
Well, no, thank you. No.
I'm not really in a drinking mood, for some reason.
I don't think Captain Mainwaring is to blame.
I think Captain Square led him astray.
As an old member of the platoon, you ought to give him another chance.
Ach, you silly old fool.
There's no call for you to talk to Private Godfrey like that, Jock.
- Well, he IS a silly old fool! Calling me old! - Well, you ARE old!
- Not as old as you! - I'm not as old as you are, you silly old fool!
I'm not 60 yet.
Blimey! You told me you tried to relieve General Gordon in Khartoum! You must be over 90!
I was a boy soldier.
- Did they pin a medal on your napkin? - Walker!
Old Bungy rode his polo pony right through the mess!
And the punka-wallah, who was asleep, went on pulling the punka with his foot!
Oh, by Jove! What a night that was! Here you are, old boy.
- No, no, no more for me, please. - Nonsense. You must keep up.
- Whatever happened to old Bungy? - I never saw him after that.
Good chap, good chap.
You know what his trouble was, don't you?
Couldn't leave the little brown girls alone.
Oh, dear.
I remember one night in the mess at Jabalpore when we made him a cardinal!
- How did he take that? - He went through it like a lamb.
Good heavens, that takes me back. I haven't seen that for donkey's years.
How...how do you make someone a cardinal?
It was a ceremony we'd go through in the mess in the old days.
- What did you have to do? - Why? Do you want to be made one?
I might.
It's all right for us old soldiers, but I think you might find it a bit much.
I don't see why I should.
I'd like to be made a cardinal.
What? What?
Well... Shall we make him one, boys?
All right, then. Here we go. I'll try and put you in the picture.
It goes rather like this.
Now, here's to the health of Cardinal Puff for the first time.
And you tap the table once with the first finger of your right hand, then your left hand,
stamp your right foot once, left foot once, bang the glass on the table once
and you take one drink.
Now, here's to the health of Cardinal Puff Puff for the second time.
And you tap the table with the first two fingers of your right hand twice
and the first two fingers of your left hand twice, stamp your right foot twice, left foot twice,
bang the glass on the table twice and you take two drinks, you see.
- Ah. - Here...
Here's to the health of Cardinal Puff Puff Puff for the third and last time.
And you tap the table with the first, second and third finger of your right hand thrice,
and with the first, second and third finger of your left hand thrice,
and you stamp your right foot thrice
and your left foot thrice and you bang the glass on the table thrice -
one, two, three - and you take three drinks, you see.
- Now, have you got that? - Not quite.
I'll go through it again for you. Listen. Here's to the health of...
This commercial traveller, he says to the landlady,
he says to the landlady, ''I'm sorry, madam, but I am un...'' No, wait a minute.
He says, ''No, no, I'm sorry. I do not work between Mondays and Fridays.''
(JONES LAUGHS)
Well, I thought it was funny.
Hey, I know some jokes.
God's sake!
Listen, I've got tuppence in that hand... Uncle Arthur? I've got tuppence in that hand.
- How much have I got? - Fourpence.
No, wrong. Sixpence. I've got tuppence in my pocket!
Three tomatoes going across the desert. Which one's the cowboy?
No idea.
None of them. They're all redskins.
- Here's another... - No.
No, listen. Why did the submarine blush?
- Why did the submarine blush? - Don't nudge me.
Do you give up? 'Cause he saw Queen Mary's bottom.
I don't think Queen Mary would like that.
Sorry, Uncle Arthur.
And you bang the glass on the table three times...
and you take three drinks. Now do you see it?
- Yes, I think I've got it. - Good. Come along, chaps.
Now, if you go wrong, you've got to drain the glass and go right back to the beginning.
- Right. - Good luck.
Here's to the health of Cardinal Puff for the first time.
Wrong!
- You didn't bang the table with the glass once. - Oh, yes, so sorry. Right, right.
- Here's... - Drain the glass, old boy! Drain the glass.
There we go.
Just listen to them, will you?
It's a disgrace, a perfect disgrace.
I don't know what's come over Mainwaring. He was never like this.
I tell you, when I was out in the Sudan,
there was some terrible goings-on in the officers' mess.
It was absolutely alarming.
But if you drunk too much out in that heat, it would turn you into a gibbering idiot!
Blimey! You must have knocked a bit back!
Here...
Here's to the health...
..of Cardinal Puff...Puff...Puff Puff...
Wrong!
- What was... What was wrong there? - Puff Puff Puff Puff! Ha!
What was wrong...? What was wrong...? What was wrong with that?
- Wrong with what? - Puff Puff Puff Puff.
- Too many Puffs! - You're absolutely right.
I should have said...
Here's to the health of Cardinal Puff Puff Puff.
Not Cardinal Puff Puff Puff Puff.
- What? - Start again, start again.
Here's to the he...the heal...
Here's to the health... of the Archbishop of Canterbury!
What's that got to do with it?
It's all the same thing. It's all religious, isn't it?
It's the wrong denomination!
The wrong denom...denomination?
Yes. RC, not C of E.
Yes.
- Right. - Start again.
Here's to the health... of the Duchess of York...
..who's a friend of Cardinal Puff Puff Puff Puff!
- Start again! Start again! - Here's... Ohh!
Start again.
And drain the glass.
I'll drain the bloody glass.
(DRUNKEN SINGING)
♪ Puff Puff Puff Puff... ♪
Shh!
Damn revolving doors!
Got him! I've got him! I've got the intruder!
Come on, boys! I've got the intruder! I've got him! I've got him! I've got...
Oh! I'm sorry, Mr Mainwaring. I thought you was a Thuggee.
No, you're quite mistaken, Colonel.
I'm Cardinal Puff Puff Puff...Puff!
- Bless you, sir. - Thank you very much.
♪ Is that the Chattanooga choo-choo? ♪
Right, let's see. Eastgate, Littlebourne-on-Sea and Dimwich Platoons.
- They've all thrown one grenade each. - (EXPLOSIONS)
What was that? What was that? I heard two going off at once!
Walmington-on-Sea, sir. He's trying to finish them quickly.
If he's not careful, they'll finish him quickly!
They're mad. Especially that lunatic Lance Corporal.
- (GROANING) - What's that?
Oh. Are you all right, Captain Mainwaring? You look ill.
- What time is it? - 11.30.
Where are my...? Oh! Where are my men?
All down at the bombing range. I'm giving them a lecture on sticky bombs.
Oh, good, good. I'll come with you.
- Are you sure you feel up to it? - Of course.
I wouldn't miss the bombing for anything.
Carry on.
(EXPLOSION)
That covers the nine main points of the sticky bomb.
Now, before we put it to any practical use, are there any questions?
- Right. Carry on, Sergeant Major. - Sir!
Right, now, that is a Nazi tank there.
Righto. Line up. You're first, Sergeant.
Ah, yes. Would you mind...?
- Thank you. - Now, you walk smartly up to the tank.
Don't run. Pull the pin out, the cover falls off
and you press the bomb firmly to the side of the tank, to which it will adhere.
Once the glass breaks inside the bomb, you've got 15 seconds.
- Oh, yes? - Don't pull the pin out! Don't pull it out!
All right. I wasn't going to.
Right, now, I want you all to go to the tank with him so you get the hang of it.
Whatever you do, don't run. Understand? Don't run.
You don't want to attract the attention of the enemy.
And you don't want to fall flat on your faces and blow yourselves up!
- Right, now, off you go. - (SHRILL BLAST)
Turn! Don't run. Don't run!
One, two,
three, four,
five, six, seven...
Right, down!
Right, Corporal, you're next.
Now, don't run, whatever you do. Don't run. Understand?
- I shall assume a nonchalant manner, sir. - Get on with it, Jones.
(WHISTLE)
Left, right, left, right, left, right.
Turn!
He's got it!
Don't panic!
- Right! - (EXPLOSION)
Right, take it steady. And don't fire till I say.
Right!
Fire!
(EXPLOSION)
Not bad at all.
Next!
We've nearly finished, Jones. Jones!
Jones?
- We've nearly finished now. - Oh.
- Move the van off when I give the signal. - Right, sir.
- I'll bang on the back. - You'll bang on the back, sir.
- You ready, lad? - Yes, sir.
Fire!
I think it's broken.
You silly lad! Here, let me do it.
It still won't go, sir.
Ooh!
There's no need to bang as loud as that, Mr Mainwaring!
Blimey!
- Hang on, hang on. - All right, Wilson. I'll handle this.
We're with you, sir!
# And in the meantime
# Think of me, do
♪ Cleaning my rifle and dreaming of you ♪
Jones! Jones!
Jones!
(JONES) # La-la-la-la
# And in the meantime
# Think of me, do
♪ Cleaning my rifle and thinking of you... ♪
- Jones! Jones! - Mr Mainwaring! How did you get there?
- Quick! Stop the van! - What?
- Stop the van! There's a live grenade in it! - What, sir? What, sir?
A live grenade? A live grenade! Don't panic! Don't panic!
- Get out. - Yes, sir!
Stop it first, you idiot!
Ohh!
Jones! Jones! Take cover! That lot could blow up at any second!
There are 200 grenades in that van!
If that lot goes up, it'll put the whole defence of the county out of action.
- Are you sure? - Of course I'm sure!
- Come back, you fool! - Come back, Mr Mainwaring!
- Think of Mrs Mainwaring and the men! - Careful, sir. We'd really rather not lose you!
Got it!
Oh! Well done, Mr Mainwaring!
Very good. Well do...