1
00:00:07,607 --> 00:00:08,674
Why, why, why, Mom?
2
00:00:08,676 --> 00:00:10,593
Oh! Oh, my God, Nate!
3
00:00:10,678 --> 00:00:12,345
God, it's laundry day.
4
00:00:12,347 --> 00:00:14,053
Every Wednesday for my whole life.
5
00:00:14,055 --> 00:00:17,255
Okay, I totally forgot. Back in a flash.
6
00:00:17,257 --> 00:00:19,281
It's probably not a good choice of words.
7
00:00:19,295 --> 00:00:21,030
If you're busy, you could have called me
8
00:00:21,032 --> 00:00:22,368
or texted me or put a sock
on the door handle or anything.
9
00:00:22,370 --> 00:00:24,984
Oh, stop. I wasn't busy.
10
00:00:24,986 --> 00:00:27,391
Jimmy and I just had a romantic
dinner last night and...
11
00:00:27,393 --> 00:00:29,093
I don't need the details.
12
00:00:29,095 --> 00:00:31,661
Okay. Well, he's gonna be dead
till noon anyway.
13
00:00:31,663 --> 00:00:34,000
Besides, I would never miss
Wash and Dry Wednesday with you.
14
00:00:34,002 --> 00:00:35,338
It's our thing.
15
00:00:35,340 --> 00:00:37,648
What happened to Andy Rooney?
16
00:00:37,650 --> 00:00:39,055
I know. Jimmy got spaghetti on him
17
00:00:39,057 --> 00:00:40,556
when we were watching When Bears Attack.
18
00:00:40,558 --> 00:00:42,325
Aw. It's okay. We'll get him all clean.
19
00:00:42,327 --> 00:00:44,028
- You think?
- Yeah.
20
00:00:44,030 --> 00:00:46,200
So how was your workweek?
What's going on at...
21
00:00:52,411 --> 00:00:54,580
I'm sorry.
22
00:00:54,582 --> 00:00:57,656
I don't think dinner
agreed with me last night.
23
00:00:57,658 --> 00:00:59,093
We made our own ricotta.
24
00:00:59,095 --> 00:01:00,729
Either that or you made a baby.
25
00:01:05,077 --> 00:01:07,112
♪ Hey! ♪
26
00:01:07,114 --> 00:01:11,624
♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪
27
00:01:11,626 --> 00:01:14,062
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
28
00:01:14,064 --> 00:01:16,097
Can these things be wrong?
29
00:01:16,099 --> 00:01:17,097
Of course they can.
30
00:01:17,099 --> 00:01:18,465
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
31
00:01:18,467 --> 00:01:19,701
This isn't error-proof. I mean, it is.
32
00:01:19,703 --> 00:01:21,004
That's why it's called that,
33
00:01:21,006 --> 00:01:23,175
but this one is older than Justin Bieber,
34
00:01:23,177 --> 00:01:24,643
so it's gotta be a false positive.
35
00:01:24,645 --> 00:01:26,111
I can't be pregnant.
36
00:01:26,113 --> 00:01:27,480
You mean, like, physically you can't?
37
00:01:27,482 --> 00:01:29,318
I need more pregnancy tests!
38
00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:30,921
Baby?
39
00:01:30,923 --> 00:01:32,022
Oh!
40
00:01:32,024 --> 00:01:33,389
Oh.
41
00:01:35,091 --> 00:01:37,261
Okay. What?
42
00:01:37,263 --> 00:01:39,133
Nate, this has to stay between me and you.
43
00:01:39,135 --> 00:01:40,336
You cannot say anything to Jimmy.
44
00:01:40,338 --> 00:01:41,739
What? Why?
45
00:01:41,741 --> 00:01:43,441
Because I'd like to be sure when I tell
46
00:01:43,443 --> 00:01:45,275
my 26-year-old boyfriend
he's about to be a father.
47
00:01:45,277 --> 00:01:46,811
I don't want to freak him out over nothing.
48
00:01:46,813 --> 00:01:48,414
You'd actually consider keeping this thing?
49
00:01:48,416 --> 00:01:50,552
Hey, you've always wanted
to be a big brother.
50
00:01:50,554 --> 00:01:52,657
In here, baby! Jimmy!
51
00:01:52,659 --> 00:01:53,926
Baby Jimmy, oh, God.
52
00:01:53,928 --> 00:01:55,829
- Stop it. Stop it, please.
- Oh, God.
53
00:01:55,831 --> 00:01:57,465
Nate, you have to swear that
you won't say anything.
54
00:01:57,467 --> 00:01:59,468
Swear.
55
00:01:59,470 --> 00:02:01,037
Swear on Andy Rooney.
56
00:02:01,039 --> 00:02:02,809
I can't hide something this big from Jimmy.
57
00:02:02,811 --> 00:02:04,377
He can always tell
when I'm hiding something big.
58
00:02:04,379 --> 00:02:06,612
I have a very obvious tell.
So give me the bear.
59
00:02:06,614 --> 00:02:09,084
I will rip this bear's head off.
60
00:02:09,086 --> 00:02:11,356
Fine, I swear on Andy Rooney.
Give me the bear.
61
00:02:11,358 --> 00:02:12,492
Give me the bear.
62
00:02:12,494 --> 00:02:14,395
- Hey, buddy!
- Hey.
63
00:02:14,397 --> 00:02:15,530
What are you doing here?
64
00:02:15,532 --> 00:02:17,198
Oh, yeah, just...
65
00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:20,371
Just, uh, laundry.
66
00:02:20,373 --> 00:02:23,109
- Jack Nicholson eyebrow?
- No.
67
00:02:23,111 --> 00:02:24,577
What aren't you telling me?
68
00:02:24,579 --> 00:02:26,081
Nothing.
69
00:02:27,453 --> 00:02:28,787
I have to go. Uh...
70
00:02:28,789 --> 00:02:30,055
Give me the bear. Give me the bear.
71
00:02:30,057 --> 00:02:31,958
Walk away. Walk away.
72
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:34,596
Uh, I'm gonna go.
73
00:02:35,500 --> 00:02:37,870
What is he hiding from me?
74
00:02:37,872 --> 00:02:39,738
I have no idea.
75
00:02:39,740 --> 00:02:42,440
Okay, buddy, what's going on?
76
00:02:42,442 --> 00:02:44,442
Friends don't keep friends in the dark.
77
00:02:44,444 --> 00:02:45,643
Light the candle of truth.
78
00:02:45,645 --> 00:02:48,246
Jimmy, there's no truth to tell.
79
00:02:48,248 --> 00:02:51,983
Fine, if you won't light it, I will.
80
00:02:51,985 --> 00:02:53,684
Oh, come on.
81
00:02:53,686 --> 00:02:55,620
What, that stupid thing?
82
00:02:55,622 --> 00:02:57,289
It's totally unnecessary.
83
00:02:57,291 --> 00:02:59,793
Mm, it smells like honesty.
84
00:02:59,795 --> 00:03:01,095
No, it smells like fresh linen.
85
00:03:01,097 --> 00:03:02,930
Which you picked because it calms you.
86
00:03:02,932 --> 00:03:05,866
So just wrap yourself up in the
scent and let it set you free.
87
00:03:05,868 --> 00:03:07,602
Jimmy, I have to go to work.
88
00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:09,105
Hey, come on, I told you the
truth about me and your mother.
89
00:03:09,107 --> 00:03:10,672
No, you didn't. I walked in on you naked.
90
00:03:10,674 --> 00:03:12,006
You lied to my face.
91
00:03:12,008 --> 00:03:14,405
And now I know exactly how that feels.
92
00:03:14,407 --> 00:03:15,673
No, I don't. Maybe you should get naked.
93
00:03:15,675 --> 00:03:16,908
Are you kidding me?
94
00:03:16,910 --> 00:03:18,577
No, I'm trying to help you to heal.
95
00:03:18,579 --> 00:03:20,478
I don't want to heal.
I don't want to get naked.
96
00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:22,812
I just want to go to work
with my open wounds.
97
00:03:22,814 --> 00:03:24,013
But I can help you close them.
98
00:03:24,015 --> 00:03:25,381
No, you can't.
99
00:03:25,383 --> 00:03:26,915
I don't want to talk about this
100
00:03:26,917 --> 00:03:28,815
because there's nothing to talk about.
101
00:03:28,817 --> 00:03:32,520
You know the headband totally
moves with your eyebrows.
102
00:03:34,457 --> 00:03:37,258
Mom, I can't do this. I can't lie to him.
103
00:03:37,260 --> 00:03:40,931
No, you're not lying.
You are lying in wait.
104
00:03:40,933 --> 00:03:42,168
And it's only until tomorrow.
105
00:03:42,170 --> 00:03:43,337
Tomorrow? Why tomorrow?
106
00:03:43,339 --> 00:03:44,871
Because I'm seeing my OB-GYN,
107
00:03:44,873 --> 00:03:46,673
and then I'll ow if I should tell Jimmy
108
00:03:46,675 --> 00:03:47,942
or if I can go have a margarita
and get back on birth control.
109
00:03:47,944 --> 00:03:49,309
You're not on birth control?
110
00:03:49,311 --> 00:03:50,976
No, I didn't think I needed it.
111
00:03:50,978 --> 00:03:52,009
You know, your father and I
tried for years to get pregnant
112
00:03:52,011 --> 00:03:53,544
after we had you.
113
00:03:53,546 --> 00:03:55,212
You said I was perfect,
so you only needed one.
114
00:03:55,214 --> 00:03:59,480
Oh, God. Wait, what happened
with the take-home tests?
115
00:03:59,482 --> 00:04:02,184
Well, they were positive.
116
00:04:02,186 --> 00:04:04,785
Or negative.
Depending on your point of view.
117
00:04:04,787 --> 00:04:06,287
How many did you take?
118
00:04:06,289 --> 00:04:08,358
A few.
119
00:04:13,508 --> 00:04:14,689
_
120
00:04:14,691 --> 00:04:16,322
What?
121
00:04:16,582 --> 00:04:17,715
Aah!
122
00:04:18,818 --> 00:04:20,183
I told you not to come in here!
123
00:04:20,185 --> 00:04:21,351
To my own home?
124
00:04:21,653 --> 00:04:23,253
This isn't your home anymore.
125
00:04:23,255 --> 00:04:26,524
Sure, it is, or that sign is a lie.
126
00:04:26,526 --> 00:04:28,725
Besides, I come bearing gifts.
127
00:04:28,727 --> 00:04:29,959
The only thing I want from you
128
00:04:29,961 --> 00:04:31,759
are signed copies of our divorce papers.
129
00:04:31,761 --> 00:04:33,663
I hear your request,
and being that it's not
130
00:04:33,665 --> 00:04:35,234
in my best interest to sign those papers,
131
00:04:35,236 --> 00:04:37,269
I'd like to offer you a counter.
132
00:04:37,271 --> 00:04:39,838
These are my house keys
133
00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:42,444
as a gesture of goodwill.
134
00:04:42,446 --> 00:04:44,178
This will always be my home,
135
00:04:44,180 --> 00:04:47,079
but I respect that it is your house now.
136
00:04:47,081 --> 00:04:49,414
Lydia, I just want you to be happy,
137
00:04:49,416 --> 00:04:52,784
even if it means you sleeping
with our son's best friend.
138
00:04:54,819 --> 00:04:56,785
So you're bursting in here to tell me
139
00:04:56,787 --> 00:04:58,554
you're not gonna burst in here anymore?
140
00:04:58,556 --> 00:05:01,625
I don't burst. I arrive with gusto.
141
00:05:01,627 --> 00:05:03,492
Do you have any bologna?
142
00:05:11,797 --> 00:05:14,630
Hey, boss man. Love the new look.
143
00:05:14,632 --> 00:05:16,598
Totes emo. Question for ya.
144
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,601
Since I've been spending a lot
of time on Atticus' farm,
145
00:05:18,603 --> 00:05:20,970
I've decided to write a country song.
146
00:05:20,972 --> 00:05:23,140
Wondering, can I use your life?
147
00:05:23,142 --> 00:05:25,176
It's totally Tennessee tragic.
148
00:05:25,178 --> 00:05:28,981
I'm really not in the mood, Sam. Thank you.
149
00:05:28,983 --> 00:05:31,983
Maybe you should look into
some Transitions lenses.
150
00:05:31,985 --> 00:05:33,150
My nana loves 'em.
151
00:05:33,152 --> 00:05:34,952
Buddy. Okay.
152
00:05:34,954 --> 00:05:37,191
I brought a growler of my
Honesty Is the Best Pilsner.
153
00:05:37,193 --> 00:05:40,196
You're going to drink this
and tell me what's going on.
154
00:05:40,198 --> 00:05:42,066
Nothing's going on!
155
00:05:42,068 --> 00:05:45,336
Take off your grandmother's
glasses and tell me that.
156
00:05:47,505 --> 00:05:50,172
- Give me those!
- No can do, buddy.
157
00:05:50,174 --> 00:05:53,742
Fine. I'll be in my office.
158
00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:58,850
Oh, that's good.
159
00:06:01,785 --> 00:06:03,718
I knew that was the ladies' room.
160
00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:05,486
I just needed a...
161
00:06:05,488 --> 00:06:08,185
maxi pad.
162
00:06:08,187 --> 00:06:09,519
For stuff.
163
00:06:09,521 --> 00:06:11,486
Like maximum comfort and protection?
164
00:06:11,488 --> 00:06:14,684
Right!
165
00:06:16,553 --> 00:06:17,754
Something.
166
00:06:19,955 --> 00:06:23,455
- Hi.
- Babe, I think Nate might...
167
00:06:25,159 --> 00:06:26,891
- Oh, I can come back.
- No, no, no. It's fine.
168
00:06:26,893 --> 00:06:29,125
It's fine. Harrison just came by
to give us his blessing.
169
00:06:29,127 --> 00:06:30,826
And make himself a sandwich.
170
00:06:30,828 --> 00:06:32,727
Actually, I did ask you to make it, but...
171
00:06:32,729 --> 00:06:34,931
I told Nate that if Lydia and I
took us seriously,
172
00:06:34,933 --> 00:06:36,265
eventually, you would too.
173
00:06:36,267 --> 00:06:38,435
Well, that is exactly what has happened.
174
00:06:38,437 --> 00:06:40,472
The positive effects of my vision board
175
00:06:40,474 --> 00:06:41,841
are a constant surprise.
176
00:06:41,843 --> 00:06:45,012
Up next, a hamburger in a hot dog shape.
177
00:06:45,014 --> 00:06:47,150
Oh, how do I invest in that?
178
00:06:47,152 --> 00:06:48,519
I have a kickstarter.
179
00:06:48,521 --> 00:06:50,456
You know what? I have something for you.
180
00:06:50,458 --> 00:06:52,224
Ha!
181
00:06:52,226 --> 00:06:55,126
Wow, you're giving me a key?
182
00:06:55,128 --> 00:06:56,395
Yes.
183
00:06:56,397 --> 00:06:58,064
I feel like I should give you something.
184
00:06:58,066 --> 00:06:59,831
Here, you know what?
185
00:06:59,833 --> 00:07:01,732
I want you to have this.
186
00:07:01,734 --> 00:07:03,934
What is it?
187
00:07:03,936 --> 00:07:05,702
It's a thumb ring.
188
00:07:05,704 --> 00:07:07,702
I got it from an indigenous man
in Machu Picchu.
189
00:07:07,704 --> 00:07:10,772
It symbolizes individuality and strength.
190
00:07:10,774 --> 00:07:12,106
Oh, my God.
191
00:07:12,108 --> 00:07:14,041
Oh, my gosh, that is so...
192
00:07:15,412 --> 00:07:17,345
Sweet.
193
00:07:17,347 --> 00:07:19,715
I just got choked up. You know what?
194
00:07:19,717 --> 00:07:21,450
I'm gonna run upstairs and get a chain
195
00:07:21,452 --> 00:07:22,685
to put this around my neck
196
00:07:22,687 --> 00:07:24,120
to wear it really close to my heart.
197
00:07:24,122 --> 00:07:26,356
- Be right back.
- Okay.
198
00:07:26,358 --> 00:07:28,057
Mr. M, I just want to say...
199
00:07:28,059 --> 00:07:30,361
Okay, let's cut the crap, kid.
200
00:07:30,363 --> 00:07:32,897
I don't bless any of this.
201
00:07:32,899 --> 00:07:35,065
But I know better than
to tell a woman what to do.
202
00:07:35,067 --> 00:07:38,634
So instead, I'm just going
to grin and bear it,
203
00:07:38,636 --> 00:07:40,803
like I do when I go to the ballet,
204
00:07:40,805 --> 00:07:45,675
because I know that, just like
that, this will eventually end.
205
00:07:45,677 --> 00:07:49,313
And when it does,
I will be here with my charm
206
00:07:49,315 --> 00:07:52,713
and my money and the knowledge
that I am the better man.
207
00:07:52,715 --> 00:07:55,648
In fact,
208
00:07:55,650 --> 00:07:56,850
I'm the only man.
209
00:07:56,852 --> 00:07:59,822
I resent that. I'm a man.
210
00:07:59,824 --> 00:08:02,225
Men do not decorate their thumbs.
211
00:08:02,227 --> 00:08:05,593
Actually, in the Maori tribes
of New Zealand,
212
00:08:05,595 --> 00:08:08,193
thumb jewelry is worn by their warriors.
213
00:08:08,195 --> 00:08:11,966
Actually, here in the tribes
in this country of A-mu-rica,
214
00:08:11,968 --> 00:08:14,331
thumb jewelry is worn by ungrateful losers
215
00:08:14,333 --> 00:08:16,667
who suck on the teat of democracy.
216
00:08:16,669 --> 00:08:20,239
So you have a good time
keeping my wife warm for me.
217
00:08:21,342 --> 00:08:23,877
Okay. Wow.
218
00:08:23,879 --> 00:08:25,346
Babe, we have a problem.
219
00:08:25,348 --> 00:08:27,215
Oh, don't worry, I can handle Harrison.
220
00:08:27,217 --> 00:08:30,285
No, Nate. All right, he's hiding
something big from me.
221
00:08:30,287 --> 00:08:32,853
He won't look me in the eyes, and he said
222
00:08:32,855 --> 00:08:35,954
he'd rather walk around
with open wounds than heal.
223
00:08:35,956 --> 00:08:39,590
Oh. Oh my God, I don't know.
I'm sure it's nothing.
224
00:08:39,592 --> 00:08:41,059
I'm not so sure, all right?
225
00:08:41,061 --> 00:08:42,628
Today, he got a maxi pad
out of the ladies' room
226
00:08:42,630 --> 00:08:44,629
and said he needed it
for stuff. What stuff?
227
00:08:44,631 --> 00:08:45,964
What does a guy need a maxi pad for?
228
00:08:45,966 --> 00:08:48,166
I mean, comfort and protection
against what?
229
00:08:48,168 --> 00:08:50,105
You know what?
I'm... I'm sure it's nothing.
230
00:08:50,107 --> 00:08:51,840
It's probably not even about Nate.
231
00:08:51,842 --> 00:08:55,111
It could be about someone else.
232
00:08:55,113 --> 00:08:56,813
What do you know?
233
00:08:56,815 --> 00:08:58,546
I don't know anything.
234
00:08:58,548 --> 00:09:00,646
So that's where he gets it from.
235
00:09:00,648 --> 00:09:02,982
No, mother-son confidentiality.
236
00:09:02,984 --> 00:09:04,385
I can't say anything.
237
00:09:04,387 --> 00:09:08,027
Okay, fine. I will work it out myself.
238
00:09:08,029 --> 00:09:11,897
So Nate is walking around with open wounds
239
00:09:11,899 --> 00:09:15,438
in his maxi pad region.
240
00:09:17,274 --> 00:09:18,240
Oh, my gosh!
241
00:09:18,242 --> 00:09:21,444
What?
242
00:09:23,779 --> 00:09:26,245
Nate's got herpes.
243
00:09:28,247 --> 00:09:30,349
Nate does not have herpes.
244
00:09:30,351 --> 00:09:32,652
Uh...
245
00:09:36,387 --> 00:09:38,151
Oh, my God, Nate totally has herpes.
246
00:09:38,153 --> 00:09:39,985
Promise me you won't say anything.
247
00:09:39,987 --> 00:09:42,153
I promise.
248
00:09:46,392 --> 00:09:48,629
Morning, buddy. How'd you sleep?
249
00:09:48,631 --> 00:09:50,132
I have nothing to say.
250
00:09:50,134 --> 00:09:52,333
That's fine. We just want you to listen.
251
00:09:52,335 --> 00:09:54,433
First we want you to know
we're here for you.
252
00:09:54,435 --> 00:09:56,400
No matter what pops up or breaks out.
253
00:09:56,402 --> 00:09:58,839
- Or spreads around.
- What's going on?
254
00:09:58,841 --> 00:10:00,608
Your mother told me the secret
you've been carrying.
255
00:10:00,610 --> 00:10:02,243
She promised me not to say anything,
256
00:10:02,245 --> 00:10:04,310
but I learned my lesson...
No more secrets between us.
257
00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:06,213
- So you know?
- Mm.
258
00:10:06,215 --> 00:10:08,285
Oh, thank God!
259
00:10:08,287 --> 00:10:10,354
Are you okay?
260
00:10:10,356 --> 00:10:13,025
I'm okay if you are. Are you okay?
261
00:10:13,027 --> 00:10:14,493
I honestly don't know how I feel.
262
00:10:14,495 --> 00:10:16,929
I mean, at first I was pretty irritated.
263
00:10:16,931 --> 00:10:18,698
You know, it was kind of uncomfortable,
264
00:10:18,700 --> 00:10:21,470
but knowing that you know
makes me feel so much better.
265
00:10:21,472 --> 00:10:23,506
You know, I told my mom
I couldn't hide it from you.
266
00:10:23,508 --> 00:10:24,941
You and I share everything.
267
00:10:24,943 --> 00:10:27,679
Oh, not this, buddy,
all right, this only happens
268
00:10:27,681 --> 00:10:29,916
after two people have sex
without protection.
269
00:10:29,918 --> 00:10:31,317
Yeah, I know.
270
00:10:31,319 --> 00:10:32,817
Which you're now legally required to wear.
271
00:10:32,819 --> 00:10:34,151
We got you pamphlets.
272
00:10:34,153 --> 00:10:37,420
And hydrocortisone cream.
273
00:10:37,422 --> 00:10:39,254
Normal?
274
00:10:39,256 --> 00:10:40,923
The Itch You Will Never Scratch?
275
00:10:40,925 --> 00:10:42,758
Living with Herpes?
276
00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:44,928
If it makes you feel any better,
I've got a yeast infection.
277
00:10:44,930 --> 00:10:46,663
I-I don't have herpes.
278
00:10:46,665 --> 00:10:48,665
And I don't have a yeast infection.
279
00:10:48,667 --> 00:10:50,234
My mom told you I had herpes?
280
00:10:50,236 --> 00:10:51,768
Yeah, but the better question is,
281
00:10:51,770 --> 00:10:53,036
why didn't you tell me you had herpes?
282
00:10:53,038 --> 00:10:54,770
Because I had no idea.
283
00:10:54,772 --> 00:10:56,169
I'm really confused.
Will you just tell me the truth?
284
00:10:56,171 --> 00:10:57,705
You can't handle the truth!
285
00:10:57,707 --> 00:10:59,475
What in the hell is wrong with your mother?
286
00:10:59,477 --> 00:11:00,678
So many things.
287
00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:02,311
She is hiding something.
288
00:11:02,313 --> 00:11:04,713
All she said was she had
a doctor's appointment,
289
00:11:04,715 --> 00:11:05,848
but she wouldn't say for what.
290
00:11:05,850 --> 00:11:07,750
Yeah, she's fine, and so am I.
291
00:11:07,752 --> 00:11:09,720
See, that's the right attitude.
292
00:11:09,722 --> 00:11:11,921
All right, living with herpes
is all about managing stress.
293
00:11:11,923 --> 00:11:14,424
If this head's a mess,
that one will be too.
294
00:11:14,426 --> 00:11:16,625
- Oh, God! You have herpes?
- I don't have herpes!
295
00:11:16,627 --> 00:11:18,159
Then why did your mom say you did?
296
00:11:18,161 --> 00:11:20,396
So she didn't have to say she's pregnant!
297
00:11:20,398 --> 00:11:22,667
Oh.
298
00:11:22,669 --> 00:11:24,868
My country song is writing itself.
299
00:11:26,803 --> 00:11:32,038
Let me clarify... Mom thinks
that she might be pregnant.
300
00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:33,672
But she's at the doctor
right now, finding out for sure.
301
00:11:33,674 --> 00:11:35,239
That's impossible.
302
00:11:35,241 --> 00:11:38,243
Yeah, she can't be pregnant.
I did the hokey-pokey.
303
00:11:38,245 --> 00:11:42,347
I put my whole self in.
I pulled my whole self out.
304
00:11:42,349 --> 00:11:46,355
I can't believe my wife has sex with you.
305
00:11:46,357 --> 00:11:48,190
How could you keep this from me?
306
00:11:48,192 --> 00:11:50,725
Your maybe-baby with my mother
was not my secret to tell.
307
00:11:50,727 --> 00:11:52,160
How could she keep this from me?
308
00:11:52,162 --> 00:11:54,695
Because she knows you can't handle it.
309
00:11:54,697 --> 00:11:56,430
You're not man enough.
310
00:11:56,432 --> 00:11:59,001
Would you stop saying that? I'm man enough.
311
00:11:59,003 --> 00:12:00,769
- And I'm gonna prove it.
- How are you going to do that?
312
00:12:00,771 --> 00:12:02,238
By raising this child as my own.
313
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:03,740
It is your own.
314
00:12:03,742 --> 00:12:04,774
Which is why I'm gonna raise it as such.
315
00:12:04,776 --> 00:12:06,576
Not unless I raise it first.
316
00:12:06,578 --> 00:12:08,209
Dad, where are you going?
317
00:12:08,211 --> 00:12:10,011
To get your mother back
and steal this kid's baby.
318
00:12:10,013 --> 00:12:11,478
Do you even know where her doctor is?
319
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,347
Of course I know where her doctor is.
320
00:12:13,349 --> 00:12:15,015
I've been playing golf with Robert Richter
321
00:12:15,017 --> 00:12:16,717
since before you were born.
322
00:12:16,719 --> 00:12:18,820
- Perfect! I'll follow you.
- No, wait...
323
00:12:18,822 --> 00:12:21,491
Uh, hey! Aw.
324
00:12:21,493 --> 00:12:23,727
You might want to
let her know they're coming.
325
00:12:23,729 --> 00:12:27,400
Women always like to know
when men are coming.
326
00:12:29,605 --> 00:12:31,236
- Lydia.
- Hi.
327
00:12:31,238 --> 00:12:34,673
A vision in paper.
328
00:12:34,675 --> 00:12:36,108
How have you been?
329
00:12:36,110 --> 00:12:37,441
Oh, pretty good, pretty good.
330
00:12:37,443 --> 00:12:39,275
Just failed a couple of pregnancy tests.
331
00:12:39,277 --> 00:12:41,710
Or passed them.
Depends on your perspective.
332
00:12:41,712 --> 00:12:43,812
Which is?
333
00:12:43,814 --> 00:12:46,014
Well, there's a part of me
334
00:12:46,016 --> 00:12:48,486
that's excited about the idea of a baby,
335
00:12:48,488 --> 00:12:49,788
Mm-hmm.
336
00:12:49,790 --> 00:12:50,822
But the other part of me is really worried
337
00:12:50,824 --> 00:12:52,388
about a “geriatric” pregnancy.
338
00:12:52,390 --> 00:12:55,623
I mean, do I really want
to enroll my vagina in AARP?
339
00:12:55,625 --> 00:12:57,626
Lydia, you are not too old for this.
340
00:12:57,628 --> 00:12:58,995
And there are some advantages.
341
00:12:58,997 --> 00:13:00,797
You and Harrison won't have to hound Nate
342
00:13:00,799 --> 00:13:02,396
to give you a grandchild,
343
00:13:02,398 --> 00:13:05,333
and your vagina will get
fantastic deals on hotels.
344
00:13:06,570 --> 00:13:08,936
Harrison and I are separated.
345
00:13:08,938 --> 00:13:11,339
Oh, well, then, who's the lucky...
346
00:13:11,341 --> 00:13:13,408
Oh, none of my business.
347
00:13:13,410 --> 00:13:15,208
No, no, no, it's okay. It's okay.
348
00:13:15,210 --> 00:13:17,244
I mean, there's...
There's another guy, obviously.
349
00:13:17,246 --> 00:13:20,147
It's just, we're not that far
along to be this far along.
350
00:13:22,048 --> 00:13:23,582
What am I... What am I saying?
351
00:13:23,584 --> 00:13:24,784
I am not pregnant!
352
00:13:24,786 --> 00:13:25,852
I'll be the judge of that.
353
00:13:29,857 --> 00:13:32,057
Hey.
354
00:13:34,229 --> 00:13:37,465
No!
355
00:13:37,467 --> 00:13:40,034
I'm sorry!
356
00:13:40,968 --> 00:13:43,003
Congratulations.
357
00:13:43,005 --> 00:13:45,240
Hi, I'm looking for Lydia Marlowe.
358
00:13:45,242 --> 00:13:47,207
She's in with the doctor. And you are?
359
00:13:47,209 --> 00:13:48,375
Her boyfriend.
360
00:13:48,377 --> 00:13:49,643
Lucky her.
361
00:13:49,645 --> 00:13:51,212
Hi, I'm looking for Lydia Marlowe.
362
00:13:51,214 --> 00:13:53,115
- And you are?
- Her husband.
363
00:13:53,117 --> 00:13:55,452
Well, I'm gonna have to talk
to her before she leaves
364
00:13:55,454 --> 00:13:56,686
- and get some tips.
- What room is she in?
365
00:13:56,688 --> 00:13:58,120
I can't tell you that.
366
00:13:58,122 --> 00:13:59,255
But I want to be with her
when she finds out
367
00:13:59,257 --> 00:14:00,857
if she's having my baby.
368
00:14:00,859 --> 00:14:02,358
And if she wanted you in there,
you'd be in there.
369
00:14:03,962 --> 00:14:06,564
I'm actually a friend of Dr. Richter.
370
00:14:06,566 --> 00:14:07,999
Well, why didn't you say so?
371
00:14:08,001 --> 00:14:10,135
Dr. Richter, of course,
lets all of his friends
372
00:14:10,137 --> 00:14:12,239
sit in on his pelvic exams.
373
00:14:12,241 --> 00:14:13,942
You can both have a seat.
374
00:14:13,944 --> 00:14:15,677
- Nate, what are you doing here?
- Hi.
375
00:14:15,679 --> 00:14:18,080
Stopping you both
from making fools of yourselves.
376
00:14:18,082 --> 00:14:21,017
- You need to leave.
- Not until I see Lydia!
377
00:14:21,019 --> 00:14:22,220
Shh.
378
00:14:22,222 --> 00:14:23,687
Dad, this has nothing to do with you.
379
00:14:23,689 --> 00:14:25,322
And if you really want to win Mom back,
380
00:14:25,324 --> 00:14:27,025
forcing yourself
into her gynecologist's office
381
00:14:27,027 --> 00:14:28,328
isn't the way.
382
00:14:28,330 --> 00:14:30,164
- 'Ginacologist.
- What?
383
00:14:30,166 --> 00:14:34,269
I'm pretty sure
it's pronounced 'ginacologist.
384
00:14:34,271 --> 00:14:36,038
Short for vaginacologist.
385
00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:38,208
Wow.
386
00:14:38,210 --> 00:14:40,043
You know, son, maybe you're right.
387
00:14:40,045 --> 00:14:43,178
I will just catch this fly ball
on the way down.
388
00:14:43,180 --> 00:14:45,779
Okay, Jimmy, as much
as this has to do with you,
389
00:14:45,781 --> 00:14:47,881
it's not about you right now.
390
00:14:47,883 --> 00:14:49,550
Now, I understand my mom may
have handled this very poorly,
391
00:14:49,552 --> 00:14:50,884
but I'm sure she has her reasons.
392
00:14:50,886 --> 00:14:51,917
I mean, I don't know what they are, but...
393
00:14:53,220 --> 00:14:56,455
- Hey, wait!
- You can't go in there!
394
00:14:57,490 --> 00:14:59,191
Oh, no, no.
395
00:14:59,193 --> 00:15:01,162
Oh!
396
00:15:01,164 --> 00:15:03,297
- Oh, wow.
- Oh, my 'gina!
397
00:15:06,425 --> 00:15:09,660
- What are you doing here?
- I'm scarring myself for life.
398
00:15:09,662 --> 00:15:11,663
Cover your eyes!
Have some respect for my wife!
399
00:15:11,665 --> 00:15:13,554
Cover your eyes. Have some
respect for my girlfriend.
400
00:15:13,556 --> 00:15:16,202
- You both need to leave.
- You know what? We're done here.
401
00:15:16,204 --> 00:15:17,604
Lydia, why don't you get dressed,
402
00:15:17,606 --> 00:15:20,006
while I escort these two
into the waiting room
403
00:15:20,008 --> 00:15:21,875
where they can thank me
for not calling the police?
404
00:15:21,877 --> 00:15:23,643
You're kinda sweaty, Bob. You okay?
405
00:15:23,645 --> 00:15:25,110
You look like you've never seen
one of those things before.
406
00:15:33,286 --> 00:15:35,187
What is it, Sam? Everything okay?
407
00:15:35,189 --> 00:15:36,955
Yeah, no, I just wanted an update.
408
00:15:36,957 --> 00:15:38,487
How's things going at the gyno?
409
00:15:38,489 --> 00:15:42,088
Well, my father
and my best friend are fighting
410
00:15:42,090 --> 00:15:44,224
over who gets to raise
my bastard half brother,
411
00:15:44,226 --> 00:15:46,926
and I just saw my mom's labia,
so it's going great.
412
00:15:46,928 --> 00:15:49,328
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
413
00:15:49,330 --> 00:15:51,697
my country song is getting
better by the minute.
414
00:15:51,699 --> 00:15:53,967
Check this out.
415
00:15:53,969 --> 00:15:58,171
♪ Your buddy did the hokey-pokey
with your mother... ♪
416
00:15:58,173 --> 00:15:59,706
I'm hanging up.
417
00:15:59,708 --> 00:16:01,375
♪ But... ♪
418
00:16:01,377 --> 00:16:02,776
Nate, I specifically asked you not...
419
00:16:02,778 --> 00:16:04,178
What, to tell my best friend something
420
00:16:04,180 --> 00:16:05,746
that he had every right to know?
421
00:16:05,748 --> 00:16:07,649
I tried. I got a little thrown off
422
00:16:07,651 --> 00:16:11,620
when he told me that I had...
423
00:16:11,622 --> 00:16:13,222
herpes.
424
00:16:13,224 --> 00:16:14,990
That was so stupid. It was
such a careless decision...
425
00:16:14,992 --> 00:16:16,825
You seem to be making
a lot of those lately.
426
00:16:16,827 --> 00:16:18,661
And I don't understand.
You said this time in your life
427
00:16:18,663 --> 00:16:20,196
was about putting yourself first.
428
00:16:20,198 --> 00:16:21,600
A baby's not gonna let you do that.
429
00:16:21,602 --> 00:16:23,302
How could you be so irresponsible?
430
00:16:23,304 --> 00:16:24,636
I mean, how hard is it to put on a condom?
431
00:16:24,638 --> 00:16:26,468
Well, I wasn't really thinking...
432
00:16:26,470 --> 00:16:27,936
No, you weren't thinking,
and that's the problem.
433
00:16:27,938 --> 00:16:29,538
And that's why I'm so disappointed and...
434
00:16:29,540 --> 00:16:33,075
Oh, my God, you gave me
this exact speech when I was 18.
435
00:16:33,077 --> 00:16:34,744
I'm really glad that you listened.
436
00:16:34,746 --> 00:16:36,313
And I'm hearing you too.
437
00:16:36,315 --> 00:16:38,749
It's just,
438
00:16:38,751 --> 00:16:41,518
I have always wanted to have another baby.
439
00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:44,791
And now, decades later,
I might have a shot.
440
00:16:44,793 --> 00:16:47,894
It's just I'm scared that
I might lose Jimmy.
441
00:16:47,896 --> 00:16:49,664
And you.
442
00:16:49,666 --> 00:16:52,234
You won't lose me.
443
00:16:52,236 --> 00:16:54,003
Look, I'm... I'm sorry too.
444
00:16:54,005 --> 00:16:57,169
I got caught up in my own stuff.
445
00:16:57,171 --> 00:16:59,038
But I'm... I'm just learning how to be okay
446
00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:00,875
with you putting me in second place.
447
00:17:00,877 --> 00:17:03,110
I'm... I'm not sure I'm ready
to be bumped to third.
448
00:17:03,112 --> 00:17:05,947
Oh, honey, you will always
be first place to me.
449
00:17:05,949 --> 00:17:09,389
One forgotten Wash and Dry
Wednesday and one oops baby
450
00:17:09,391 --> 00:17:12,561
isn't gonna change that.
451
00:17:12,563 --> 00:17:14,798
Because what are you?
452
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:15,766
I'm not gonna say it.
453
00:17:15,768 --> 00:17:19,066
What are you?
454
00:17:19,068 --> 00:17:20,364
Your special boy.
455
00:17:20,366 --> 00:17:23,134
Yes. Yes! You are my special boy.
456
00:17:23,136 --> 00:17:27,140
And you always will be.
Nothing will ever change that.
457
00:17:27,142 --> 00:17:30,543
So what do you say?
458
00:17:30,545 --> 00:17:33,879
Want to go see if I'm having
your best friend's love child?
459
00:17:34,983 --> 00:17:37,085
Sure, why not?
460
00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:42,259
Lydia, you cannot raise a child
with this child!
461
00:17:42,261 --> 00:17:44,562
You were both younger than me
when you had Nate.
462
00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,432
Yeah, but I had a job
463
00:17:46,434 --> 00:17:49,472
and at lst one pair of closed-toed shoes.
464
00:17:49,474 --> 00:17:51,641
Seriously, why are you wearing
flip-flops all the time?
465
00:17:51,643 --> 00:17:54,313
It rains in this city 24 hours a day!
466
00:17:54,315 --> 00:17:55,882
Maybe you're right, Mr. M.
467
00:17:55,884 --> 00:17:57,383
All right, maybe I don't know
how to raise a child,
468
00:17:57,385 --> 00:17:59,619
and maybe I do show
a little more toe knuckle
469
00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:02,189
than you think is classy,
470
00:18:02,191 --> 00:18:04,990
but I do know what a real man
would do in this moment.
471
00:18:04,992 --> 00:18:06,692
Lydia...
472
00:18:06,694 --> 00:18:08,192
- Whoa, what are you doing?
- The right thing, buddy.
473
00:18:08,194 --> 00:18:09,559
Just press pause.
474
00:18:09,561 --> 00:18:11,295
Jimmy, I don't want a shotgun wedding.
475
00:18:11,297 --> 00:18:14,065
You know why, Jimmy?
Because she's already married.
476
00:18:14,067 --> 00:18:16,000
But a shotgun divorce would be lovely.
477
00:18:16,002 --> 00:18:18,469
I don't need either to raise this baby.
478
00:18:18,471 --> 00:18:20,071
I can do it on my own.
479
00:18:20,073 --> 00:18:21,873
No, you can't. I won't... I won't let you.
480
00:18:21,875 --> 00:18:23,876
Harrison, I know this might be
hard for you to understand,
481
00:18:23,878 --> 00:18:25,312
but this isn't about you.
482
00:18:25,314 --> 00:18:28,250
Well, as long as you stay on my insurance,
483
00:18:28,252 --> 00:18:30,084
well, I retain the right to weigh in.
484
00:18:30,086 --> 00:18:32,488
Jimmy, I'm sorry.
485
00:18:32,490 --> 00:18:34,356
I should have said something to you,
486
00:18:34,358 --> 00:18:37,425
but you're 26, and you have
your whole life ahead of you.
487
00:18:37,427 --> 00:18:38,960
And I didn't want you to sacrifice that
488
00:18:38,962 --> 00:18:40,961
for something I might want.
489
00:18:40,963 --> 00:18:43,096
But I should have trusted
you could handle it.
490
00:18:43,098 --> 00:18:47,467
I can handle it, as long as
we're in this together.
491
00:18:49,769 --> 00:18:53,439
Oh, my God, will somebody please
throw me out of a window?
492
00:18:53,441 --> 00:18:54,640
You're on the first floor.
493
00:18:54,642 --> 00:18:56,440
Yeah, I know. I don't want to die.
494
00:18:56,442 --> 00:18:58,108
I just want to get out of this room.
495
00:18:58,110 --> 00:18:59,811
You know, Harrison, you are
welcome to leave anytime.
496
00:18:59,813 --> 00:19:02,078
Oh, thanks so much for the permission slip.
497
00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:04,380
Wow, this is nice. I'm not used
to playing to a full house.
498
00:19:05,950 --> 00:19:08,852
Well, let's get down
to brass tacks, shall we?
499
00:19:08,854 --> 00:19:10,655
I wonder where that saying originated.
500
00:19:10,657 --> 00:19:12,525
I've never seen a brass tack.
501
00:19:12,527 --> 00:19:14,861
It's like that saying “let's
kill two birds with one stone.”
502
00:19:14,863 --> 00:19:16,696
Let's not. Why are we murdering birds?
503
00:19:16,698 --> 00:19:18,363
Robert, can you just get to
the point? What are the results?
504
00:19:18,365 --> 00:19:20,230
Yes, of course.
505
00:19:20,232 --> 00:19:22,264
Well, according to your blood work,
506
00:19:22,266 --> 00:19:26,170
beyond a shadow of a doubt, you are...
507
00:19:34,677 --> 00:19:37,646
♪ Your buddy did the hokey-pokey ♪
508
00:19:37,648 --> 00:19:40,484
♪ With your mother ♪
509
00:19:40,486 --> 00:19:46,553
♪ But his welcome little Jimmy overstayed ♪
510
00:19:46,555 --> 00:19:52,730
♪ Now your mama's
full of your half brother ♪
511
00:19:52,732 --> 00:19:58,272
♪ Which makes your buddy
your stepdad in a way ♪
512
00:19:58,274 --> 00:20:00,406
Oh, now I kinda wish you were pregnant.
513
00:20:00,408 --> 00:20:04,742
Well, here's to false positives.
514
00:20:04,744 --> 00:20:07,010
I'm sorry my homemade ricotta
made you sick.
515
00:20:07,012 --> 00:20:09,512
Oh, gosh, who knew that nausea medication
516
00:20:09,514 --> 00:20:10,980
messed with your hormone levels?
517
00:20:10,982 --> 00:20:12,482
I didn't. I should have checked the label.
518
00:20:12,484 --> 00:20:14,320
Well, look at the bright side.
519
00:20:14,322 --> 00:20:17,157
At least we all got to be with
Robert for his final moments.
520
00:20:17,159 --> 00:20:20,127
To Robert Richter. He was a good gyno.
521
00:20:23,265 --> 00:20:25,945
- sync and correction by solfieri -
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