NARRATOR: Tonight, it's the etiquette of sports and recreation.
- On the playing field... - You suck, Jake!
.. exercising,
and watching the game.
Shut up, the game's on!
This is How Not To Behave.
- Hello, I'm Matt Okine. - And I'm Gretel Killeen.
And this is How Not to Behave, the show that stops a nation.
Or at the very least, the show that stops the nation
from behaving like someone who's just gambled away their life savings
whilst wearing a funny hat.
Tonight, we're talking the rules of sport.
Playing it, watching it and the art of politely feigning interest in it.
And we're also talking recreation --
the way we pass the time when we couldn't give a toss about sport.
Now you know, sport is a massive national pastime,
or at least the watching of it is.
We spend on average 6.3 hours watching sport a week,
but on the other hand, how does this work, Matt?
Almost two in three Australians are overweight.
Yes, so how do we reconcile our love for sport
with our love for being wrist-deep in BBQ shapes
while we swear we coulda swallowed that mark
like a grape covered in coconut oil. 'Grab it, son!'
Obviously, we need rules
and right here, right now, we have all the rules you need.
So let's kick off the rules of sport and rec
and start by meeting the many different types of people
who exercise.
See which one you are.
NARRATOR: Exercise is essential for a healthy mind and body...
- Whoo! - .. and everyone has a different approach
to personal fitness.
Here are some of the types of people you encounter
from this complex social group.
Gadgetman is convinced the more fitness equipment he acquires,
the fitter he will be.
Check it out. It's the latest running headlamp.
It's not available in Australia yet.
It's got a LED headlight.
Lasts 10 hours.
Perfect for night runs.
I've never even seen you run during the day.
Look at this, it's got...
Merely the promise of exercise provides him with an excuse
for his one true love -- rampant shopping.
Babe, have you been going to the gym or what?
The fitness fibber wants everyone to think
her body is a gift from nature
despite clocking up hours in the gym.
Oh, nuh, I don't work out.
I guess I've got a really fast metabolism.
You're so lucky.
The everyday trainer views every moment of the day
as a potential exercise opportunity.
Incidental exercise is a terrific use of time.
.. providing it doesn't disturb others.
Hello.
Hi, welcome to Jim's Gym, how can I help you?
I would like to sign up to this gym for 12 months please.
New Year's Daves are crucial to the business model
of all Australian gyms.
Without them, 87% of all gyms would be out of business.
Each January, New Year's Dave tries to compensate
for months of idle couch-sitting
with a brief spurt of intense activity.
.. and then I'll ease back to most of them.
New Year's Dave pays for a yearly gym membership,
but never attends for longer than a week.
For New Year's Dave, there's always next year.
(Applause)
Deadset, I'm all of those people, there's no doubt about it.
I'm exercising all the time, I'm doing kegels right now as we talk.
- Are you? - Yes. - I'm doing pelvic floor exercises.
That's why... I'm grunting.
I'm also a gear junkie.
After the London Olympics, I bought a pair of spikes, like running spikes
'cause I used to do triple jump, the most useless of jumps.
I loved it and I thought I'd all of a sudden
be able to be a triple jumper again
so I bought athletic spikes, and I never used them once.
I now use them only as a meat tenderiser.
I have a friend who does that incidental sport
where you walk along and then does a crouch.
It's so embarrassing.
Just walk along and then kinda squats.
You have to walk with him while he does that?
Not for long, I can tell you.
Embarrassing.
But I don't join a gym,
and I think a lot of people will appreciate this.
I know myself and I know if I join a gym,
I'm going to not go.
Listen, American researchers found that I'm not alone in this.
80% of people who buy a gym membership
do not use the gym at all.
What a complete waste of money.
That's why I join the gym,
because I hate spending the money and then not making the most of it.
So you gotta go, it psyches you into going.
Are you a personal trainer sort of person then?
- No, I'm a nothing. - How do you...?
You're something, Gretel, you're something.
Believe in yourself.
I don't know, like, maybe I've just got this really amazing metabolism.
(Laughter)
You know there's actually an app
and it's called GymPact
and it's figured out a way
to make people go to the gym --
they pay you when you go to the gym,
and when you don't go to the gym, they punish you.
Yeah, this seems like the stupidest app ever, right?
'cause apparently the payment comes from...
It's like a community system so whoever doesn't go to the gym,
their money goes to people who do go to the gym,
but surely it only works on GPS, right?
So you could just drop your phone off at the gym
then just hit the food court, you know?
What really gets me the most about joining a gym
is when you do summon up the courage,
you're like, 'Yes, I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna get fit,'
you walk in and you can't just ask for a price list.
You go, 'I wanna join the gym, how much does it cost?'
And they're like, 'Let's do a consultation,
come to the board room.'
And you're like, 'Board room?
I want a treadmill, not a PowerPoint presentation.
Why are you bringing me here?'
Then if you refer a friend, we'll give you a week free
and all this stuff.
It's easier to get into Scientology, I swear to God.
It is. It is! It is.
This is one of the things that I really hate about it
because it's a fundamental.
Your fitness and your food are fundamentals.
All that obsession really drives me insane.
It really is like a religion with a lot of people.
There are zealots, there are idols, and there are places of worship.
Yes, well, my body is a temple,
but let's face it, a place where people congregate
to sweat, grunt and moan
is likely to result in a bit of crummy behaviour.
Suddenly I'm thinking joining a gym sounds fantastic.
(Laughs)
I can give you a friend referral if you want a free week.
It's an etiquette minefield you're gonna have to know the rules about.
We sent our fearless interloper Greg Larsen to test the limits
of acceptable gym behaviour in this hidden camera social experiment.
Check it out. Spot me, Greg, spot me!
- MAN: Hey, how are you mate? - Yeah, good.
Don't you stand up on this one? I thought...
Oh, no, you fully sit down.
Check this out.
Hello! I'm a puppet man!
Yeah, two round, what we'll get you to do,
grab the 10kg... like that.
We're gonna do 10 side raises
I'm just doing a bit of punch training.
This is actually... Ow!
Oh!
Greg, get nice and low on those ones.
I've got a bit of an injury though.
I don't like to talk about it,
but I was in the army for a little bit, so...
General soldiering.
- I was in the SAS... - Oh, wow.
Which is, like, it is the best of the best.
We used to have to use one of these...
Let's get, Greg, you got these punches, mate...
Yeah, I'll get onto that.
'Cause in SAS training,
it was like this, but like this real ghetto style.
♪ And I think it's gonna be a long, long time... ♪
(Sings in high-pitched voice)
Ugh!
Yeah, nice, James,
we'll go to the 800m mark
and then we'll come back over to the weights.
Bring it down if you wanna go to an incline walk,
down to about level eight.
- We shouldn't be eating that, hey? - Huh?
- Probably shouldn't be eating it. - No, it's fine.
Like, it's energy. Like, that's what I'm saying.
It just converts to energy.
Want some chips, man?
- They're good. You want any chips? - Oh, nah, nah.
- Be on level six... - Have a chip, man, seriously.
They're good.
Go 80 on the way, we'll do 10. James, coming back...
Ugh!
- (Grunts) - Right, have you done the set...?
Seriously, man, 'roids. 'Roids if you're after 'em.
'Roids.
I'm serious, man, about the 'roids, by the way.
If you're after any 'roids.
Just wanna let you guys know, I'm serious about the 'roids.
I'm just letting you know.
Hey, man, there are 'roids up for grabs.
I know that's probably not what you're...
I'm just gonna be outside on the street if anyone's keen.
I did have... went on a date with a guy once
and he sent me a card, fabulous,
and inside was a gym membership.
(Audience groans)
What, first date?
How rude is...? And he hadn't seen me in a compromising way.
He just guessed...
My, my...
I have an exercise bike at my gym that says,
'Stop exercising if you feel pain, faint or dizzy,'
and that's how I feel when I start exercising.
Mine says, 'Stop exercising if you have something else to do.'
And you know what else?
What is going on with cyclists?
- What...? - Why?
I kind of want to become one.
They're like seals with wheels.
Why do they have to wear those outfits?
- This is a serious question. - It's efficiency.
(Imitates whooshing wind)
But they're only...
If you're going that fast -- they're only going like 20
and they shave their legs so that when they go to get their latte,
everyone goes, 'Ooh, you must be cycling.'
No, I back them up.
I'm pro-lycra.
Lycra makes everyone's butt look great.
- Not mine, it doesn't. - No, it does!
- Every... Not that I know that. - Yeah. (Laughs)
It makes everyone look good. I think lycra's a great thing.
It makes... It sucks everything in.
It looks good. It looks professional.
As a woman looking at a man from the front on,
I don't want to see stuff that's sucked in.
I just don't... This is just a serious question.
You have to suck in your breakfast after you see it. Ugh...
But you know how women wear padded bras?
Why don't men wear padded lycra?
- I would, wouldn't you? - (Scattered applause)
You do, it's called a sock.
- Do you wear a sock? - Well...
Well, I have to wear two.
There's some dispute about women who wear sporting gear all the time.
This has become the new casual outfit.
I don't find a problem with it.
Like I said, it makes everyone's butt look better.
Well, some people are outraged by it.
Some people think, 'Oh, they're showing off
that they're exercising all the time,'
and others are thinking, 'They've never gone exercising,
look at the condition of their gear.'
Yeah, well, we asked, 'What do you guys think?'
And we put the poll to some parents.
Do you wear exercise gear when you are not exercising?
26% of Dads said yes.
Compared to 46% of the mums said yes.
Why is that a problem?
Shouldn't you be able to wear what you want?
- WOMEN: No, no. - (Laughter)
They're probably the same kind of parents
who drop their kids at school in a four-wheel drive.
It's like, 'Oh, is there a bit of rocky road? Bit of terrain?
Did you have to drive through a creek to get to school, did ya?
Hey?'
I don't know, I think people are really weird judging...
- It's just the modern-day tracksuit. - Yeah.
It'll pass.
But I'm actually starting to think
maybe exercise itself is a waste of time.
Laughter for just 15 minutes, it burns 10-40 calories.
Snoring burns calories.
Yeah, no, that's just because
you've gotta walk down stairs every night to sleep on the couch.
No.
No, snoring burns calories.
For some people, sex burns calories.
It depends on how lazy you are, obviously.
But you know what, even breathing uses calories, burns up calories.
It's interesting because there was that cult of breatharians.
They did not eat and they did not exercise and they just breathed.
Now admittedly, they did all die, but I'm putting it out there.
If you want to talk cults,
the most effective military training program in the nation
is Saturday morning sports.
- Love it. - I love it so much.
I think we love it for different reasons.
I love the competitiveness of it, the excitement.
I know, but you're talking about the competition on the field,
I'm talking about the competition between the parents on the sideline.
Do you know, my son, I've watched him --
and my daughter played footy as well --
I've watched both of them,
say a total, altogether, 27 years of watching football.
I yell out on the sideline.
Always, 'Knock on', 'forward pass', 'offside'!
I don't know a single rule. Not one.
Then you should probably watch this.
Let's find out what's OK and not OK
when an army of kids are in the mix.
Here are the rules of Saturday sport.
NARRATOR: Saturday sports are an Australian institution,
and a great way for kids to keep fit and stay social.
OK, here are everyone's itineraries.
You are going to nippers at 7:30.
You've got karate at eight, you've got Little Athletics at nine.
We will then reconvene for Jake's soccer match,
then you're off to rugby, you go to swimming and you go to basketball.
You're going on the bus with your mum,
you're coming in the car with me and you are taking a taxi.
Being a parent on the sidelines is an important responsibility.
OK, Jake, give it your best shot!
It is your job to be gently encouraging and supportive.
Remember, it's all about having fun!
But avoid being too passionate.
You suck, Jake! Get back in the game!
Get up, you little wuss!
You think the Socceroos are gonna let in a crybaby?
For many parents,
watching their children play sport is unbearably dull.
However, it is rude to let your child find this out.
Dad, did you see that? Did you see it?
Yes, sweetheart, great goal.
- I shot a three-pointer. - Yeah, you did.
Go that team!
As a parent, your job is to watch the game.
If something unexpected happens, you must resist the urge to intervene.
No, I think he's OK. I don't think...
Remember, the sports field is your child's domain...
- Go away, Mum! - .. not yours.
It's also inappropriate
for parents to try and curry favour with the coach.
So, Coach, I notice you've got Jake playing in defence.
Just wondering if you'd consider moving him
to the forwards line for the second half.
Yeah, look, I try and give all the kids a run
and Jake got to play striker last week.
- Cup! - (Whistles)
(Growls)
And threatening behaviour is never tolerated.
(Whispers) I've been to prison.
(Applause)
Saturday sports, where the most humiliating defeat comes
when your dad doesn't pick you up.
Oh, Matt.
- I don't wanna talk about it. - You do want to talk about...
I was there for three hours, Dad, OK?
Bad behaviour at your kids' sport matches has actually got a name --
Ugly Parent Syndrome.
No, they're not aesthetically challenged people who procreate,
it's the term for mums and dads
who jeer at their children, umpires and coaches from the sidelines.
We wanted to probe further in to the phenomenon of the Ugly Parent
so we conducted a poll and discovered that...
4% of you have been involved in a dust-up.
Then we broke it down to different sports --
found out 10% for cricket.
But if you really wanna stay safe,
4% of people who play badminton
have gotten into fights.
Which I understand because I'd take a shuttlecock to the face
over a swinging bat any day.
I was at a game, Broncos vs Easts... Sydney City.
And a dad got angry at me
because I was cheering for the Broncos too much
and they were going for Sydney City.
They were going for the Roosters, so I'm there.
Me and my friends going, 'Yes, Broncos!
Yes! Sucked in Sydney City.'
And the guy turns around, he goes, 'Hey, my son's here. Just relax.'
It's like, 'Mate, your son's gonna learn
that there are winners and losers.
It's not my fault your team sucks, get over it, buddy.'
Nah, seriously though. Come off it.
They're being too protective.
That's why any kid does a sport,
and all of a sudden they're getting awarded
little participation certificates.
'Oh, there you go, mate. You tried.'
That is just proof that you sucked.
They're the worst things ever.
You're like, 'Oh, wonder how I did in that race.
Oh, that's right, I tried and I sucked. I didn't win.'
And now there's proof of it on the bloody fridge.
It's so stupid.
I think they do that so kids feel encouraged, right?
People have all different routines and behavioural patterns.
For example, superstitions.
What about people who go through rituals?
Sometimes people do it before they go and play the game.
Other people do it when they're watching a game.
Let's dig more deeply into the dark art of sporting rituals
with this essential guide for watching any game.
NARRATOR: Nothing brings Australians together
quite like watching a televised sporting event.
In habitats such as this,
there are several common types of people who can be found.
YEEE...
The Superfan is highly devoted to their team
and their enthusiasm adds to the occasion.
Yes! I knew...
.. but if left unchecked can become antisocial.
- Hey, has anyone seen Birdman? - Shut up, the game's on!
No! Do not drink until we score.
A kooky relative of the Superfan is the Witch Doctor.
The Witch Doctor is highly superstitious.
- Well, we can't lose from here. - Don't say that!
You'll jinx the whole game.
Oh, no!
- That was your fault. - Whoops.
The Novice is new to the sport,
usually introduced via a second party.
The Novice has no idea
how irritating their constant questions can become.
- Why did he tackle him? - He had the ball.
- Aren't they on the same team? - No, they're on different teams.
- How do you know what team? - The colours!
Some people don't see colour.
Sometimes a novice will try to steer the conversation
into more familiar territory.
Ooh. See him with the ball?
- Yeah, so he... - Johnson.
.. has been sleeping with HIS fiancee,
then he found out and they still had to play together so it was awkward.
But by far the most irritating member
of the viewing team is The Elitist.
The Elitist has zero interest in the game,
and is determined to let everybody know this is the case.
Hey, let's watch ABC. Q&A's on.
Q&A sucks!
I'm going to take that as a comment. Tony Jones, anyone? Anyone?
Mate, if you don't wanna be here, you can leave.
My pleasure.
Wait, when he's not here, we always lose!
Come back!
I'm actually a bit excited to introduce someone
I've screamed at through the telly.
He's a sporting legend,
a fast bowler who represented Australia for nine years
playing in 53 Test matches.
He even stuck his tongue in Allan Border's ear
and lived to tell the tale.
Would you please welcome Merv Hughes!
- (Cheering and applause) - Hello, guys.
Gretel, Matt. How are you?
Merv, we just saw the video --
what type of person are you when you watch the game?
Are you a Superfan? A bit of a Witch Doctor? Superstitious?
Most of the time I go to the game, I've got my two boys with me,
so you've gotta show that you're a responsible citizen.
When I'm at home by myself, I just abuse the umpires.
So your kids aren't in your home with you?
Yeah, where are they?
- Oh, I send them out for the day. - OK.
Now that you're our guru, tell us -- Ugly Parent Syndrome.
- Now, you've got kids... - I have kids.
I reckon a lot of the Ugly Parent Syndrome
comes through the parent
trying to have their careers through their kids.
I get more nervous watching my kids play sport
than I ever did when I played.
How should people behave?
How should fans behave at a sporting match?
I have a couple of rules --
if you're not interested in the game and you don't wanna watch it,
don't go to the game,
'cause there's probably people out there that do.
If you're at the game,
it's disrespectful to jump onto the ground,
so if you streak, if you jump onto the ground,
that makes it about you,
and it shows that you're not interested in the game.
How do you feel when fans leave early when their team's not doing well?
Oh, mate, I work on the theory with my boys,
and being Western Bulldogs supporters...
You wouldn't have seen half the game if...
.. we do have the opportunity to leave early.
But my young blokes -- they're 17 and 14 now --
when they were a bit younger, 'Dad, let's go' --
'Mate, we've paid for the whole ticket,
let's stay for the whole game.'
I just think it's disrespectful to the players
to walk out when they're not having a great day,
and, ultimately, that's when the players need your support.
Your days were the naughty boy cricketer days,
- and now they're much more tame. - Come on!
Would you rather be playing then,
or now when there are big bucks but more rules.
I'd rather play in the era that I played.
I was very lucky that, playing for Australia,
everywhere I go in Australia, I play for your team.
So I only got criticised when I played badly,
- which was quite often. - (Laughter)
What do you think about people
who wear exercise gear just as casual clothes?
- Aw, seriously. - (Audience groans)
Come on, what do you reckon?
- Seriously? - Yeah. - Seriously, get dressed.
- Mate, the people... - Why!?
- (Applause) - No, seriously --
Maribyrnong River -- at home -- I walk around there,
and I reckon, if you wanna walk nude, just walk nude.
Seriously, putting black tights on and a skimpy t-shirt --
and that's the blokes going around there --
you just think, 'Listen, just put some tracksuit pants on,
put some shorts on,
put a windcheater on, for Christ's sake.'
And now it's almost a fashion parade.
So, Merv, how is that exercise regime?
No, no good.
- Yeah. - (Laughter)
I'm down to a walk,
and I walk probably... well, once a year.
(Laughter)
It has been said that cricket is like a chess game.
Now, I have to ask you.
Board games -- do you find any entertainment in them?
- Love them. Monopoly. - Yes! Monopoly!
What piece do you go as?
Ah, normally go as the horse, I reckon.
- Really? - Yeah, the horse or the hat.
But you've gotta have people that are there for the long haul,
and that are tenacious,
'cause if we're playing Monopoly,
there's nothing worse than after three or four hours,
'Oh, I'm sick of this, who wants my property?'
- No! - No!
You need to be doing deals,
you need to be re-mortgaging properties,
you want to draw the blood out of them.
You want them to suffer, don't you?
Merv, this is the problem with being a cricket player --
you have no concept of real time.
Yeah, too much time. Too much time on our hands.
(Deep voice) A good game lasts for three days!
No, what about a five-day test match,
and at the end of the five days, there may not be a result.
(Laughter)
Merv Hughes, thank you so much for joining us.
- Pleasure, thank you. - Thank you, Merv.
(Cheering and applause)
You better watch this, OK, because without rules,
all you have is a square of cardboard and a tiny metal top hat,
so for the do's and don'ts on the ups and downs of snakes and ladders,
check this out.
Ho-ho-ho-ho! Ba-bow.
That's it. You give me everything you've got.
You are so screwed!
VOICE-OVER: When playing board games,
it is important to be a gracious winner.
I am the lord of Monopoly!
(Buzz!)
The longer a game goes on, the harder it is to accept defeat.
But, when the inevitable happens, it is important not to lose control.
Bad luck, that was close.
Every time.
(Turns on vacuum)
- Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing? - Oh my God! Calm down!
(Buzz!)
It is also important you take your turn in a timely manner.
I reckon we need a ten-minute limit on turns.
Shhh. It's a game of strategy.
- (Game buzzes) - Ugh!
(Buzz!)
All in.
Two kings.
But the most important rule of all,
is actually knowing the rules of the game you are playing.
Pahhh!
Those are Uno cards.
Yeah.
- (Knocks on table) - Draw four.
(Buzz!)
No, no, I have massive beef with that, OK?
Because when I play Uno, I am adamant about the rule
that you are not allowed to finish with a special card.
OK? Is that correct? Is that right?
- AUDIENCE: Yes! - Yes!
And before we finish, I just wanna tell you,
I have a rule of sport,
and it's global, and it's just a simple one --
you know how in the Olympics
when they've got all those really fast runners competing?
Yes. I just think the rule, globally, should be,
have a normal person in every race.
- Just to give, what, perspective? - Like a measure.
Oh, there's me, there's them.
So, let's check the How Not To Behave scoreboard.
Who won tonight's match, Matt?
Merv will be happy, 'cause it was a draw,
but the real winner tonight was behaviour.
We should just shake hands, move on,
but not before we look back at what we learnt.
Matt's phone clearly goes to the gym more than he does.
Yeah, gym memberships are not a good first date prezzie.
And, uh, don't eat meat that Matt claims to have 'tenderised'.
Join us next week,
when once again we make the world behave,
one rule at a time. Goodnight!
(Cheering and applause)