Tonight, the dos and don'ts of the workplace:
.. sharing the staff kitchen,
- .. chucking a sickie... - Oh, hi ya Stace? It's Hanna.
.. and bringing your child to work.
This is How Not To Behave.
- Hello, I'm Matt Okine. - And I'm Gretel Killeen.
And this is How Not To Behave, the show that works as hard as you do,
when the boss is watching anyway.
Yes, we are toiling to bring order to this nation,
and tonight we're focusing on the place
where we expend the most energy and emotion.
No, it's not the marital bed.
Tonight, it's all about the workplace.
Whether you work part-time, full-time, down a mine
or doing mime,
what are the rules?
The average person spends about a third of their life at work,
and another year commuting.
So it's important to know the rules
that will get you a raise and a company car.
Or, at the very least, the golden key to the stationery cupboard.
Oooh, baby! All of them staples.
What was your first job?
Uh, well, I worked at McDonald's,
but my worst job was at a call centre.
- What did you do wrong? - It's just the worst place to work.
Like, if you ever are feeling too good about yourself,
get a job at a call centre.
It will bring you right down to earth like that.
When I was about 11, we used to sell... a friend and I used to sell these...
They were like carpet tiles, like little mats,
and they had flower seeds in them
and if you water them, the flowers would grow out.
But we used to tell people they had marijuana in them.
We sold so many.
Yeah, yeah... Buy now, each one comes with a free pack of Tim Tams!
That's so true.
Well, work doesn't just give us money, or Tim Tams,
it gives us status and purpose as well.
We're thrilled when we get a job
but statistics show that as soon as we do,
we start finding excuses not to go to work.
Yes, so let's kick off with something
that's both universal and distinctly Australian -- the 'sickie'.
Here are the rules.
When we are sick, our bodies require rest.
However, the demands of a busy workplace
make many Australians think they are too busy to take a sick day.
This is a foolish assumption.
An employee's decision to go to work when sick
can create a so-called 'hot zone of contagion'
and immobilise an entire workforce.
So how do you know if you're too sick to come to work?
- Hi. - How are you feeling?
Like my throat's full of razor blades.
If your description of your current state
invokes dangerous weaponry or violence...
Like my brain's being hammered.
Like someone's putting skewers in my eyes.
Kill me now.
... then you should stay home.
Calling in sick is something that causes people a lot of undue stress.
In a bid to counter suspicions of fakery,
many people offer far too much detail.
Hello?
Oh, hey, Stace? It's Hannah.
Sorry, I can't come in today, I'm not feeling well at all.
Oh, no problem. You get better.
Oh, God, it got me last night.
I've got vomiting, diarrhoea, all of it.
I just... I don't know, I missed the toilet...
Yeah. OK. I've got to go.
.. gotta fix it.
It's up the wall. I just...
Hello?
If, however, you are taking a sickie,
it is important you don't overact when you ring in.
Hello? Hi, Stace? It's Hannah.
Look, I'm not feeling very well at all.
I'm sorry. I don't think I can come in today.
I've come down with something.
- Sure. Take it easy. - Dooone!
- Who was that? - That was Hannah.
She's taking a sick day off to play golf.
I don't believe anyone when they say they're sick.
- Why not? - I don't know.
It must bring me joy in some weird way.
But, you know, there are a couple of examples of excuses
people gave for not turning up at work.
One was -- 'I can't get into work, my feet are too sunburnt.'
And -- 'Oh, I thought it was Sunday today!
Is it Monday?'
- That is a really good one. - That's a good one.
In fact, I think you used that.
In Australia, an employee is entitled to
about 10 sick days per year.
They actually cost the nation $30 billion annually.
- What?! - Yes. Statistics show...
I know. Some people are overpaid.
Statistics show 70% of Australian workers
feel entitled to take all of their sick days
whether they're sick or not.
Now, this is an issue.
What is the definition of 'sick'?
What if it's self-inflicted? Should you still take a sickie?
- Like you had a massive night out? - A massive night out.
People who have their own companies, interestingly enough,
never take 10 days off a year.
They're like mothers. You can't take a day off being sick.
You know what I reckon?
When you ring in and you want to be sick,
you go to a call centre where mothers answer...
And why? What would they do?
Because mothers know when you're bullshitting.
And you know what else?
The more you overact... I used to say this to my kids --
if you're well enough to whinge, you're well enough to go to school.
Very true. That is very true.
Look, our tips, OK?
If you're doing it, don't feel guilty, alright?
Just commit to it and enjoy your day off.
- I think you should feel guilty. - No. No. You're gonna enjoy it.
Otherwise, what's the point? You might as well be sick at work.
The other thing is -- you gotta plant the seed a few days before.
- How? - A sneeze here, a cough there.
It all means something.
Um, and also, consecutive Mondays -- no, no, no, no, no, no.
That just draws suspicion, alright?
You gotta take a Monday here, a Wednesday there.
And... take two days off, OK?
Then that means you're really sick, alright?
You've nailed it. You're welcome.
OK. Don't show off about chucking a sickie.
Don't do that on Facebook like this guy,
who put up, as a notice on Facebook,
'Not going to work, expletive.
I'm still trashed. Sickie. Woo!'
Not realising that his boss is a friend of his on Facebook.
Now, what about the workplace in general?
Many companies have banned social media access at work. Is that OK?
No! I mean, you need Facebook and your friends group to stay alive.
To group chat and bitch about how much you hate the job.
OK, that's ironic, but feasible.
Is it OK to sleep with the boss?
Oh, yeah? Someone just straightaway, 'Yes.'
You know why? 'Cause that's the boss.
Then he puts his hand...
'They're on to us, honey. Let's get out of here.'
I think no. What do you think?
Dude's gotta get paid. Um...
Is it OK to sleep with a workmate?
Um... yes.
- Yeah, it is. - What about when you break up?
Well, you know, you do something to get them fired.
- Joking. I'm joking. - He's not joking.
I am joking! I've never done it, never would.
Can you fire someone by text?
Uh, yeah, just use the right emoticon.
- Don't... - What? Wooo!
Yeah, don't be like, 'You're fired...'
So what OK? 'You're fired. Desert island.'
- What is it? - I don't know, just a little tear.
What about this -- is it OK to bring kids to work?
Look, the simple answer to that is it's OK to bring your own kids
but it's not OK for anyone else.
So, what are the rules as regards to kids in the workplace?
Sometimes, it is necessary for people
to take their children to work with them.
Whether this is appropriate is dependent on the type of workplace.
Responding to a child at work can be tricky.
Good morning, everyone.
- Uh, Jason will be joining us. - Oh, fantastic.
I actually have to talk to Jason about a few items in the budget...
- Oh, no, not Jason from Finance. - My son, Jason.
Oh, that's annoying.
Well, he can't sit at the big desk.
The correct response in this type of situation
is to be agreeable towards the child and ask them simple questions.
- How old are you Jason? - Four.
- Wow. Four. So, you like trains? - Yes.
- What about cake? Do you like cake? - Yes.
How do you feel about the conflicts in the Middle East?
Yes.
You never want to seem cold or unfriendly to children
but showing too much interest is also discouraged.
Jason! Hello! It's Jason!
Hello, darling! How are you?
Do you like aeroplanes? Let's just be airplanes.
Mummy!
Have you seen this here? This is Pete. He's from Finance.
Want to shoot him in the face with your gun? Go on!
Don't worry, Andrew. We've got something for you.
Here's a grenade! Ahh! Biiish!
Death!
Ha-ha!
I'd tell you what I really can't stand.
- What? - People who bring their pets to work!
It's such a thing now and I can't stand it! Alright?
Now, we've asked How Not to Behave polling department to find out --
would you prefer somebody bring their child or dog to work?
And...
50% would prefer a child to be at their workplace,
41% would prefer a dog,
9% couldn't decide.
What is that?
They just hate dogs and children.
I don't know.
But, you know, 20% of US-based companies
have pet-friendly policies, which sounds very nice,
but it's actually pet-ist
because you can't just take any pet in there, like a pony.
It has to be a dog. You know why?
Because dogs are said to boost morale and productivity
and lower stress...
.. unless you're a cat.
There are heaps of other ways
workplaces have changed in recent years.
9 out of 10 offices are now open plan.
Urgh. 'Open plan.'
You know, it was meant to open the mind and make people more creative
but, really, everyone's just sitting there spying on each other
and getting really angry.
- Is this OK? - No. - No.
A study by the University of Queensland
found open-plan offices led to high levels of conflict,
high blood pressure, high staff turnover,
and, also, they raised sick days to 62% higher than without.
See, everyone's trying to be cool with their workplace.
'You're not at work at all.
Here's a dedicated beanbag room for you lay in.'
Google have got, like, slippery dips.
The ABC even has a window.
You know, it's out of control!
Yeah, but it's not clean.
No, no. It is difficult to see through.
The latest office fad is the treadmill desk.
- Have you seen this? - Yeah.
- How is that? - You know what?
The other thing -- it's not just people on treadmills --
it's people having treadmill meetings.
So they get this little, like, star-shape of treadmills
and then you all meet and exercise.
But imagine if you're in there with, like, some alpha male
and he puts his up a bit higher so you do yours faster,
and then everyone's just doing it.
Apparently it's very hard to type at the same time.
- Yeah, I bet. - But what are the rules?
Everything's changing.
What if someone in the office wants to be Facebook friends?
What about birthdays?
Ooh, do we celebrate every single day with a cake?
- The cake, the birthday cake! - I'll tell you what I did.
I was negotiating quite an important deal on the phone with someone,
and before I hung up, I said, 'I love you.'
I'm just so used to doing it with my children.
Well, there is this etiquette around saying hello, goodbye,
not just on the phone, but in the actual workplace.
When I started working in an office,
All of a sudden, you're seeing these same people every day
and you gotta be like, 'Oh, hi.'
The worst thing you can do is start to say hi to someone.
You've just gotta ignore them until the end of time
'cause as soon as you say hi,
great, now we gotta do this every single fricking morning.
So what are the rules for greeting your colleagues in the workplace?
Let's take a look.
In the office we greet each other countless times every day.
That's why we have developed a wide variety of greetings
depending on the relationship.
Nodding is used between people who know each other but not too well.
If meeting multiple co-workers in quick succession,
try and vary your greeting method.
Over-nodding can lead to injury.
Eyebrow raising is another common technique,
particularly useful for re-greeting colleagues throughout the day.
When greeting superiors,
the power balance of the relationship must be considered.
Therefore it's best left to them to initiate any communication.
Hey, Greg. How was your weekend?
I had a pretty busy one, actually.
Caught up with friends, saw a movie, got some...
.. food.
If you have a good relationship with a co-worker,
you may employ the goofy greeting.
Eeeek!
If you are meeting someone for the first time...
Ah, Celia, I'd like you to meet Lauren.
She's overseeing our entire Asian expansion.
Eeeeek!
.. the goofy greeting is never acceptable.
It is time to sort out what to do and what not to do.
We're going to the top,
we're calling in the wizard of the workplace,
a man who's been fired from a TV show, a radio show,
and even fired himself.
Would you please welcome, Dicko.
Dicko, how many jobs have you had, you reckon?
I used to be quite Steady Eddy in the Northern Hemisphere.
About three jobs, stuck with them a long time.
Came to Australia and I've had about 30 jobs.
So I think I've become the most sackable man
in the Southern Hemisphere.
How did you feel the first time you were sacked?
Um...
Shocked, actually.
- What was it? - It was a radio gig.
And, you know, they'd come in and... It was on a Thursday.
They came in after the show and said,
'No other way to put this, guys. We're finishing the show.'
I said, 'So tomorrow's our last show.'
They went, 'No, leave now. Give us your pass,'
and walked us out the building.
Like I was gonna steal stuff!
- It's still demoralising though... - Oh, you get over it pretty quickly.
No, but the 30th time.
No, look, if you work in the entertainment industry,
you know it's so volatile.
- You kinda expect it. - Yeah.
And it gets to a point where you actually kind of look forward
to putting the HR person under pressure... you know?
What about, you know, you worked in a lot of office before,
lot of different workplaces.
How's your greeting situation.
- You a 'eeek' sort of person? - No, I favour the firm handshake.
- But, invariably... - Here it is, man.
No, not the freaky one like that, you filthy thing.
No, um, my firm handshake is generally a bit of a fishing trip
to see if there's a bit of chemistry there.
And then if I feel there's something going on,
I'd turn the firm handshake into pulling them
to give them a hug.
- So it's a two-stage greeting. - Is this with men and women...?
Yeah. Look, with women, I'd try to sneak a kiss in as well.
'Cause at my age, you're just getting what you can.
But, actually, from when you and I both started to work,
the whole workplace scenario has changed so much with the rules.
It used to be party time in offices. Don't you think?
Look, I don't think the way I used behave
around 30 years ago in the workplace wouldn't pass muster now.
And, you know, I wasn't a monster in the workplace,
but I like fruity language.
In fact, I think that profanities in the workplace
actually takes the edge off a situation,
allows people to occupy their own space a little more comfortably.
These days, you just gotta be so careful,
especially places like the ABC.
I don't think I'd ever, ever be allowed to work in the ABC.
Oh, shit, no.
Well, it's fine with your cushy sort of work jobs in the office.
Have you ever done the nitty-gritty on a worksite?
- Any labouring or anything like that? - Yeah.
My first ever job, before I went to university,
I worked as an industrial cleaner, and for six months...
You know Dunlop Rubber?
I had to work underneath the factory,
cleaning rubber dust out of pipes, basically.
And I'd go home, absolutely black
and I'd have a shower and it would come back through my pores.
So I've had about four showers to get rid of these black
- out of all my pores... - Yeah, I know. I understand that.
Ohh...
Tell me, what are the rules of sacking someone?
Um, well, try and do it face-to-face.
SMS doesn't really work and I think Post-it's a real no-no.
But, um...
And try not to look like you're enjoying it too much.
- Have you ever enjoyed it? - I sacked an absolute arsehole once.
And we're not... When I have to make people redundant
because of financial reasons,
it's heartbreaking, you lose sleep.
And, you know, you couldn't eat for two days before,
knowing you've got to let ten people go.
And these are people with families and mortgages. It's horrible.
But there was girl who was such an absolute arse
that I got out of bed, I jumped out of bed with a spring in my step.
I couldn't wait to get to work to sack her!
- But had you hired this person? - No.
- Yeah, sure. Did you? - No, it wasn't me.
Have you ever hired a woman just because she's hot?
Yeah.
I work in the record industry.
If you go to any record industry in the '80s,
invariably, the first person you would see on the reception
would be an incredibly hot male or female.
And, and, there's nothing wrong with that.
It was the entertainment business and that's what you want.
You don't want Susan Boyle on the reception.
Ohhhh...
You'd want her making records and making millions for you.
- Nice pick-up. - What's wrong with you people?
Just saving that one.
Other than your own bad behaviour,
what is the worst behaviour you've experienced at work?
A colleague of mine -- I can't name him --
he once, in a performance review, said to a female member of staff,
'Would it kill you to put a bit of lippy on and a push-up bra?'
And did she say, 'I will if you do you?'
Actually, he should have worn one.
Well, before you clock off,
have you ever experienced any oversharing in the workplace?
There was one time, and we had a big presentation to do,
and my PA -- I won't name her, (Bleep) --
turned up an hour late
on a day that we just couldn't afford for that to happen.
And I was furious, absolutely furious,
and I called her into my office
I said, 'Where the hell have you been? Where have you been?'
She said, 'I'm really sorry. I've got a good excuse.'
I went, 'It'd better be good.' She said... I'll paraphrase.
She said, 'I was performing a sex act on my boyfriend
and he took longer than both of us anticipated.'
And in ten seconds, I went from being absolutely furious
to absolutely shocked, to thinking, 'Good on you, girl!
That is the sort of 'go ahead, get the job done' attitude
this company needs.'
Ladies and gentlemen, please thank Dicko!
- Thank you. - Thank you.
Let's have a firm handshake.
Clearly, when it comes to sharing personal details with colleagues,
we've got a bit to sort out -- how much is too much?
The hidden camera crew, Greg Larson, went to find out.
Hey, guys, hey. I'm looking for Steph.
- Yes. - Steph?
- You want to look at the Toyota? - Yeah, the blue Kluger.
- I'll get the keys. - Cool.
You have to have a full PPSR, which means there's no claims made.
- It's got just over 100k. - Yeah. 100k.
Really nice books.
Oh, there we go. Thanks, man.
What do you reckon about that? Urgh.
That's brutal.
- How did you get that? - I don't know.
It's come up my wrist, like, on my neck as well. Look at that.
Like, my back's real itchy as well. Is there anything down there?
It's just itchy as hell, you know.
Oh, I've dropped my pen down there. Can you grab that for me?
Yeah, cheers, man.
Thanks. Ugh. Oh. Yuck. It's f...
Ugh, yuck, it's coming off. Thanks, man. Cheers.
It does everything it's supposed to do.
- You need to stop peeling that. - Ugh, oh, yuck.
That is a chunk of skin.
I got a cream for it.
Would you do me a favour and help me get some of that on?
Alright, anyway, no worries, man. Cheers. Thank you.
Thank you. Yeah, cheers.
Hey, Steph, can I just have you one more moment at the car?
Oh, he didn't want to come out?
OK. Alright.
I think he was a bit freaked out by my rash.
Did you see the rash I have here?
I was just going to say, mate,
I've got this stool sample here and I just wanted to give it to him
'cause he might need to see a doctor and get checked out
so he doesn't have the rash.
So maybe you could give that to him.
The rash started on my downstairs area,
on the balls and all that kind of stuff.
I don't know how I ended up getting it,
but there's the stool sample and he's...
- I can give him... - Sorry?
- I'll go give it to him. - Yeah, yeah. Go give it to him.
Thanks for that. Cheers. Thanks, man. Thank you.
Ah, he didn't want to shake my hand.
Oh, it's just scabs coming off everywhere.
Hey, how's this for a rule --
never say yes if someone hands you a stool sample.
That's just as simple as that.
And how full did it look as well? It's really...
- I thought it was the medication. - No, it was a stool sample.
- You'd do that. - No, I wouldn't!
- You overshare. - I don't!
Uh, you do.
I can't tell you what he does share, but it's too much.
Uh, in today's workplaces, people spend 28% of their day
reading, replying to or sending emails -- how's that?
Sometimes it drives me mad because the person sending you the email
is actually sitting next to you.
Like, speak. And what about this CC-ing everybody?
- It's like dobbing. - Yeah, it's the worst.
What about XOXOs at the end of professional emails?
- How do you feel about those? - It's awkward, isn't it?
- Like, I tend to follow the lead. - I love an XOXO.
I know, but it's the first person... As a woman, I have to be careful.
I don't want to be leading people on.
But I have to match the same level of emotion and affection I'm given.
I always go one 'X', one 'O' and then another 'X'.
Gee, that's unique.
But what... No, that...
Well, you can't go XOXO, that's a bit too much.
I get competitive -- if they do XOXO,
I do 'XOXOXO... X'
with an emoticon.
I was just gonna say... No, I was going to say is --
'cause, like, now you can access emails all the time,
you gotta be careful about when you're replying to them.
A 2am response to your boss never looks good
under any circumstances, OK?
What you do is you write it drunk
'cause that's when you say everything you want to say,
and then you put it in your drafts folder
and you wake up, delete half of it, then you send it in the morning.
OK? That's all I'm saying. That's how to behave.
There's one area of the workplace we haven't touched upon.
Yes, that is very true.
It's a place full of disgusting smells, germs and filth,
and, no, it's not the office toilet.
It's the staff kitchen,
which also comes with its own set of rules.
The average person spends one third of life at work,
and much of that is taken up jostling for space in the staff kitchen.
Maximum food preparation time in an office environment
is capped at two and a half minutes...
Sorry, won't be long!
.. and shouldn't be too elaborate.
Considerate colleagues should never prepare any messy or stinky food...
.. and always use a lid.
Most staff kitchens are tight spaces,
and conversing in close quarters can prove quite awkward.
Conversations should run for no longer than it takes
to infuse a cup of tea
and can be timed in accordance to the brew selected.
It feels like Wednesday. It's only Tuesday.
Wednesday, hump day.
Almost Friday.
- What are you doing on the weekend? - We're done.
In a staff kitchen situation,
your colleagues are like housemates
and it is acceptable to treat them as such
by labelling your food or beverages.
However, don't go too far.
Some items belong to everyone and no-one and are considered communal.
You have the right to help yourself to all of them.
While it is good to keep the kitchen as clean as possible,
always avoid being too clean
or you will rob the office manager of their simplest pleasure --
Is it took much to ask that we just clean up after ourselves, hm?
It's gonna stain everywhere.
There's no kitchen fairy, you know, guys? What...
Nah, don't worry, I'll do it for you. That's fine. Like I always do.
Like I'm the kitchen fairy. Just...
We actually had a bottle of milk in our work fridge
that just had a sticky tape seal over the top of the lid
so you couldn't open it without cracking the seal
and just on top of it, just someone'd written, 'Nah.'
That's it. Just, 'Nah.' Don't even think about it.
I reckon if you were going to start a relationship with someone,
you should see how they treat their office kitchen.
Because that is a reflection of how they feel about other people
and, in fact, the entire world.
It shows your character.
People have no respect for, like, a public space like that.
- They just don't care, do they? - Well, I do.
You don't. So I guess, yes.
They do care.
You know the most successful way
to stop culprits from stealing your stuff or leaving a mess
is you have to somehow imply that it is bad for them
to behave in this way -- check out these notes.
'For your information, to whoever stole my water bottle,
it had my oestrogen supplements in it.
Have fun with that!'
And this one, which says, 'To the person who ate my Subway sandwich,
I hope you get the runs!'
I like that there's people who have written, 'Me too,' underneath it.
They've taken the time to draw a picture of someone with the runs.
And they're running.
It's time to down the tools, clock off, and take a well-earned break.
What can we take away from tonight's show, Gretzky?
Well, Matt doesn't do hellos or goodbyes.
He's either a really young grumpy old man,
or the ghost who walks.
Never send Gretel an email with XOXO on it
unless you want to play noughts and crosses with her.
And Matt would be a lot more productive
if the ABC installed a water slide.
Join us next week when we continue fix the world, one rule at a time.
- Goodnight. - 'Night.