( Sniffs )
Niles, what is that sickeningly sweet overpowering smell?
The cologne you gave me for my birthday.
Don't you just love it? What's it called again?
Tester.
Say, wait a minute,
cologne, what's that, new oven mitts?
And...
you're wearing a girdle?
Miss Babcock is coming home from the sanitarium.
It has nothing to do with her. I'm wearing it because I pulled my back.
Oh, yeah, sure, and I wear a Wonderbra 'cause I sprained my breasts.
- Oh, hi, darling. - Darling.
Oh, what have we here? The proposal from the wedding planner?
Ah, yeah.
Is the caterer going to be charging us by the person or by the couple?
After all the samples that me and ma consumed,
the caterers decided to charge my side of the family
per person as a couple.
Well, that's outrageous.
The bartender's doing the same thing with your side.
You don't really have to use this guy. I mean, I could plan this wedding myself.
Oh, no, no, no. We want it to be nice.
I mean, you know, fancy, classy.
Um, when do they need the deposit?
You don't think that I can make a nice affair?
Listen, I know how it's done. You just need a very good theme.
Something that's elegant and understated.
Starlight Express, do you skate?
Fran, it's not that the Duchess of Kent
wouldn't love to arrive at the dais on rollerblades,
but you're my princess.
I want this to be the wedding of your dreams.
But this is the wedding of my dreams.
Sir, it's your brother with some urgent news.
Oh, yes, Nigel, what is it?
Oh, my God, I see. Yes, well, thank you for calling. Goodbye.
What?
That was Nigel. Last night my father passed away.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Hello, hello! I'm back!
What's with the sourpusses? Who died?
♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪
♪ Till her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes ♪
♪ What was she to do, where was she to go, she was out on her fanny ♪
♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪
♪ She was there to sell make up but the father saw more ♪
♪ She had style, she had flair, she was there, that's how she became the Nanny ♪
♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we described ♪
♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪
♪ Now, the father finds her beguiling ♪
♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪
♪ And the kids are actually smiling such joie de vivre ♪
♪ She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan ♪
♪ The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran ♪
Let's have the Sheffields in here, please.
Mr. Chandler, hello.
Sit here.
I'm just so embarrassed.
I mean, I mean, I hardly know grandpa,
but I felt close to him after all those heartfelt cards
his secretary wrote us on our birthdays.
She never forgot.
Oh, honey, just let it out.
But at least you know what happened to your grandpa.
Mine stepped into a magician's box in The Catskills
and was never seen again.
Many years later, someone spotted him with a magician's assistant
in Miami, but nothing was ever proven.
Please, be seated.
First of all, let me say how sorry I am for your loss.
( Cries )
Oh, Mags, it's okay.
I cry like a baby too when I realize how much money we're going to inherit.
Brighton, please.
Not everything is just about money, you know.
Really, Brighton, have a little more sensitivity.
It happens to be very traumatic when a man loses his father.
He's no longer the son looking up to somebody.
He's now the one next in line to die.
It's lonely, it's aging.
Thanks, dear.
Lean on me, baby.
Anyway, getting down to business. Your father left you all...
What? The racehorses? The Ferrari? The country house in Tuscany?
A videotape.
Damn.
Brighton, please, your grandfather may have been cold,
selfish and detached, but to me he will always be "sir."
In any case, Mr. Sheffield Senior
made this tape to convey
his plans regarding his estate.
I can never get this thing to work.
Oh, give me that.
Channel 3, video 1, extended play,
go, go, go.
To my three children
who have enjoyed all the privileges of the Sheffield name
and upbringing
I leave my sincere wishes
for a long and happy life
and a few little trinkets for the grandchildren.
Please, tell me the racehorse's name is Trinket.
Yes, and what about the bulk of his estate?
You may be wondering what the plans are for the bulk of my estate.
Yes!
Well, let me explain.
Too bad you couldn't communicate like this when he was alive.
There is a woman who was never able to enjoy the privileges
that come along with being a Sheffield.
My fourth child.
Concepción.
Where did this fourth child come from?
Well, I guess Concepción wasn't immaculate.
To her, I leave my entire estate.
Well, that's it then.
Good luck.
Goodbye.
Ta-ta.
I can't believe this.
Send her in, please.
Hola.
I'm Maria de la Concepción Bustillo García Del Amo.
Sheffield.
It is your father's wish that his estate in the amount
of $100 million goes to her.
Auntie Concepción!
Brighton, would you knock it off?
Look, my father was such a philanderer he'd believe
anyone who claimed to be his child.
What proof do we have this woman and I are related?
Let's get to know her a little bit.
Hi, honey, are you married?
Well, I was living with a man
for five years, but I couldn't make a commitment...
Well, there's your DNA test.
Oh, I cannot believe how many people showed up for that memorial.
My tongue is so dry from putting stamps on all these "thank you" notices.
Are you sure I wasn't mentioned in the will?
He always said I was like a son to him.
You were, you got bupkis, too.
I'm supposed to be jumping up and down because
grandpa left me a cracked porcelain doll?
I mean, you could buy a car with how much that stamp collection
you inherited is worth.
( laughter )
You know, most people don't have what we have.
Maybe this'll give you the opportunity
to understand something beyond your privileged existence.
You do know that if dad hasn't socked anything away
he's going to have to dip into your trust fund.
He can do that?
You know I don't believe you, kids.
You just lost your grandfather,
you just found out that you have a new member of the family
and all you three are focused on is the money.
I'm very disappointed in you and you should go up to your rooms
and really think about this.
I'm sorry, Fran.
Well, Brighton brought it up.
She's always been poor. What's it to her?
Can you believe those kids?
Making something out of nothing?
They're making something out of nothing, aren't they?
Whew!
After not having been in my apartment for three months
I really had to air it out. It smelled like a cat died in there.
( Gasps )
- You have a dog. - Oh.
( Gasps )
We're taking care of him.
Perhaps what you smelled in your apartment was the stench of your decaying youth.
You know, Niles, I learned something at the... place.
If 220 bolts of electricity can't hurt me,
300 pounds of Butler sure can't.
Are you happy to have your little friend home?
It's all right.
So isn't it a pity that Maxwell's father left all his money to a trollop?
Oh, he left something for me?
Oh, you meant her.
So, nanny Fine what are you gonna do now that the wedding's off?
Who said anything about the wedding being off?
Nanny Fine,
without his inheritance, Maxwell will run out of money like that.
It takes a lot of money to keep you looking that cheap.
Well, for your information it would not matter to me
if Maxwell were completely broke,
because I am not in it for the money.
I'm in it for love.
Well, isn't that sweet?
We'll see if you feel the same way
when Maxwell has to move in with you and your mother.
Think about it, Nanny Fine.
( laughs )
( belches )
Hi, honey.
Bad news. The doctor says I gotta quit the paper route.
I'm getting too big for the bike.
Darling, come here and let daddy give you some sugar.
( Belches )
Oh, look, here, I was looking through the want-ads.
I thought I'd circle a few things you're qualified to do.
But there's nothing circled here, my pet.
No kidding.
Oh, no. This is ridiculous. We're overreacting.
I mean, a smart man like Mr. Sheffield isn't going to burn through his own money
because he knows he's got his father's 100 mil coming.
We would, but he wouldn't.
Oh, I'm sure you're right. There's nothing to worry about.
If Maxwell were seriously counting on his inheritance,
he'd be rushing off to London to contest the will.
Just off to London on the Concorde. Nothing to worry about.
Uh-oh.
I must say, so far I am enjoying
my return to sanity very much.
I can't believe this is happening. I love this house.
We'll get used to it, Ma, because we're one step away from the poor house.
I hate the poor house!
Look, we're just gonna have to learn to economize that's all.
I mean, the kids'll get used to wearing hand me downs.
Maggie'll give her skirts to Gracie, Gracie'll
give her skirts to me.
What are you nuts? What is the one thing that I taught you?
Death begins in the colon?
That and don't give up without a fight.
Go and get that inheritance back from Concepción.
Why should she wind up with our money?
She's not even a real Sheffield like us.
Ma, we're just gonna have to learn to save, like normal people.
Beginning with why is Mr. Sheffield paying for this wedding?
Isn't it traditional for the bride's parents to pay for it?
Haven't you guys been saving for years?
Well, we were but when you turned 30...
we thought it was safe to spend it on a Buick.
Oh, Ma, I'm just so worried about the Sheffields.
I mean, they're used to the finer things in life. They're not like me.
I know what it's like to scram, struggle,
go hungry.
You better march your tuches right down
to that gold digger's hotel
and protect your family from losing all of this.
I know. Max and the kids mean everything to me.
What Max? I'm talking about me and daddy!
- Francesca. - Hola.
What a surprise.
I love what you're wearing. You've got such great taste.
Ma, I want you to meet Concepción.
And this is my mother.
Consuela.
Sylvia.
- That's how I want my hair. - That's how I want my hair.
Consuela, you really had a pretty hot affair with Maxwell's father, huh?
Yes, I was a flamenco dancer.
Oh.
So why did you stop?
Who says I stopped?
Fran, come sit down, Fran. So what can I do for you?
Look, let's not beat around the bush.
Where is the room service menu?
Here it is.
Okay.
It's so hard for me to accept that this is all mine.
But I guess I'll have to adapt.
( laughs )
You know, Concepción, me and your brother are
going to be marrying in less than a month,
and if you and your mother are still in town,
I'd just love you to come and pay for the wedding. Did I say that?
We'd love to come.
Oh, good.
Oh, this platter looks like it's enough for us.
No, no, it says, "Served from 8:00 to 11:00."
Hmm.
Well, that's no good.
Let me offer you something to drink.
Okay.
You know, Connie, just a little hypothetical here:
what if like uh, you had all of my money,
what would be a tactful way for me to ask for it back
and still come out smelling like a rose?
Ah, you're so funny, chica.
( laughs )
Chica, that's me.
Oh, you and I are gonna be good friends.
Oh, good.
- Friend. - Yes.
You know, my whole life I felt I was nothing
and that my father was ashamed of me.
But him leaving me all this money proves that I lived in his heart.
Oh, oy.
You're so lucky.
You have a home, beautiful children, and a man who loves you.
Double oy.
You know, Niles, when I was away at...
the place.
It was really scary, because when I was all doped up, I get on hearing these voices:
Maxwell loves Fran, you are alone and old...
You have to wear a straitjacket to feel a man's arms around you...
It was you?
You did come and visit me, you old softie!
Oh, God, all is right with the world. Maxwell's father is dead,
he left Maxwell broke, and in desperate need of a rich wife.
Oh, welcome home, sir.
Oh, is it hot in here?
Oh, welcome home, Maxwell.
How's the family, sir?
Well, they're dealing with it as best they can, Niles.
Nigel wanted to contest the will, but the lawyers seem to think it's ironclad.
Oh, that is despicable.
Maxwell, let me put this delicately.
I have 20 mil, I'll buy my own ring, I have no pride.
Oh, I've missed that sense of humor, C.C.
( laughs )
( sighs )
Oh, hi, honey, I'm so glad you're home, I missed you.
- I missed you too. - How'd it go?
Well, the will is incontestable I'm afraid, but oh, Niles,
there's a list here of things from my father's estate
that have to go to Concepción. Just a few dusty old antiquities we can live without.
Oh, sir, this just isn't fair. Miss Babcock's not on the list.
Honey, I want to talk to you, I've given this a lot of thought.
And you know, I have been poor, and I can be poor again.
But you don't know what it is to be broke and you've got the kids to think about...
Fran, what are you saying?
Well, I'm saying that
if you need to marry a woman with money to preserve your lifestyle,
I will understand and I'll let you out of your commitment.
It's just as easy to marry a rich girl as it is to marry a poor one.
That's an interesting saying, I've not heard that one before.
Me and my big mouth.
Are you sure you don't want to reconsider?
It is just as easy to marry a rich man as it is to marry a poor one.
Actually, it's not.
Fran, I'm not broke. Far from it,
I'm a very successful Broadway producer.
Sometimes I'm a very successful producer.
I have had a hit on occasion.
Oh, come on, look, they're not taking everything.
Oh, honey, tell me the truth. You can be honest with me.
We are not going to starve.
Unless your mother moves in with us.
No, look, we're not down and out yet.
Don't you worry. I've still got a few things up my sleeve.
Your watch, sir.
Oh, sweetie. Don't worry about it, I'll replace it.
Wholesale from Avenue K,
which incidentally is going to be the first letter of your new Cartier.
That is so sweet of you.
Honey, you know, I was trying to help you
today, and I went over to the Waldorf Towers.
Oh, no, oh, Fran, dear God, you didn't go traipsing over to see Concepción
to try to talk her into giving back the money against my father's dying wishes.
What did she say?
I couldn't ask her for it.
Sweetie, I just felt so sorry for her.
I mean, she's got all that money, but I've got you.
Darling,
do you know what worried me most about my father dying and leaving me nothing?
The leaving you nothing part?
No.
The thought of I losing you.
I mean, you know, I'm not the man I was when I proposed to you, Fran.
( Chuckles )
Wait a minute, we are still talking about the money.
There wasn't like an accident or anything.
No, no, it's just the money.
Oh, sweetie, I love you so much for richer or for poorer,
which I'm hoping is at least a split-level
in Long Island.
Darling, it won't have to come to that.
I want you to have the house of your dreams.
That...
That is the house of my dreams.
( Doorbell rings )
Niles.
Chandler, what on Earth are you doing here?
I have just come from a meeting with Concepción
who has decided to share her inheritance with her new siblings.
What? I don't understand I thought you said you didn't ask her for the money back.
I didn't, I just welcomed her into the family.
Which is all she ever really wanted.
Oh.
Baby, you're the greatest.
You know, Miss Babcock,
with Mr. Sheffield and Miss Fine doing so well,
no one would fault you if you went back to the asylum for a little jolt.
Actually, Niles, I think I am handling it very well.
What?
I'm just responding to what you said.
I didn't say a word.
What do you mean you didn't say anything?
I distinctly heard you say something about the asylum.
Are you insinuating that I am in some way...
Wasn't Niles just here?
I didn't see him.
Tell your father that I'll be back in a few weeks.
( Jazz music playing )