Darling, please, you've kept me waiting
for 45 whole minutes!
This is torture!
Fran: No, sweetie, torture is five years.
Hi, hubby.
Oh, my God, you look gorgeous.
( Chuckles ) Oh, I'm so glad you like it.
Now let me just take it off. I saved the box. I'll return it tomorrow.
Wait, wait, wait, you don't have to do that anymore, remember?
You're a wealthy woman now.
You can buy whatever your heart desires.
Oh, are you good in the bedroom!
Oh, sweetie, do you realize
how long I've waited for this moment?
Making love to my husband?
In my house, in my bedroom.
In my 20's.
( laughs ) I'm so funny.
( Fran laughs )
Oh, Max, oh, oh, Maximillian.
Oh, oh, oh, Mr. Shef...
Shh!
Shush?
I'm sorry, darling, you were getting a little too loud.
I'm too loud and now was the time when you chose to tell me?
Well, perhaps I chose the wrong moment...
You think?
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
I just wanted our first night in the house from the island to be very special.
Just a little higher, honey.
You know you're really not getting into it, darling.
You know, that's because I keep waiting for the shush.
- I didn't shush you. - But you were about to.
I had that feeling you were holding back.
Any minute there was going to be a big shush coming.
- Shh! - There it is, there it is!
What are... what are you doing?
You know what? I can't be with you tonight,
because our relationship cannot afford one more shush.
So where are you going?
I'm going home to my mother's.
Why don't you just wait till breakfast? She'll be here.
You know, I cannot believe how this evening has just disintegrated.
Our first night here.
Boy, you know when we were on the island, you
were really turned on by the way I screamed.
In fact, you were so turned on that you screamed.
Do you remember how we screamed together?
Do you know how precious that is?
Darling, it was different then. We were alone on an island.
Well, we're alone here! Except for this yenta.
♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪
♪ Till her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes ♪
♪ What was she to do, where was she to go, she was out on her fanny ♪
♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪
♪ She was there to sell make up but the father saw more ♪
♪ She had style, she had flair, she was there ♪
♪ That's how she became the Nanny ♪
♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we described ♪
♪ was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪
♪ Now, the father finds her beguiling ♪
♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪
♪ And the kids are actually smiling such joie de vivre ♪
♪ She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan ♪
♪ The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran ♪
( glass breaking )
I have a gun!
It's me. That's a lamb chop. Now give it to me before someone gets hurt.
I know that trick.
What are you doing eating baby lamb at 2:00 in the morning anyway?
I can't take a pill on an empty stomach.
- What are you taking pills for? - Indigestion.
Oh, Ma! Me and Max had a horrible fight.
And it was on our first night,
when we were really together
as husband and wife in our very own bedroom.
And I'll tell you,
just to make matters worse... my God, these are like butter.
So what happened?
Max thinks I'm too loud in the bedroom.
So eat quieter food.
( Crying ) Oh, Ma, I think my marriage is falling apart.
I think he's wondering whether I'm the right person for him or not.
I don't want to go on and on but...
Did you marinate this in zesty Italian?
Darling, if you want to have a successful marriage, try to adjust.
Your father likes to speak Spanish to me in the bedroom and it drives me crazy.
But meanwhile, I learned how to say "I have a yellow pencil."
"May I have some extra cheese on my enchilada?"
- "Where are my...?" - Ma!
I know, it's very enlightening to find out
that you can make love and order from El Pollo Loco.
But can we please get back to my life?
Look, if you want to have a good marriage, it's about give and take.
Compromise. That's how you have a long-lasting relationship.
Oh, Ma, you are so wise. I love you.
And when it gets a little heated up, why don't you do what I do?
You stick a hostess Snowball in your mouth.
It keeps you quiet for a good 30 seconds.
What do you do with the rest of the time?
What rest of the time?
Oh, come on, please, come out here and talk to me.
You've been in there forever.
All right, I'm sorry.
Do you think I'm too old for bangs?
So what did I do that was so wrong, eh?
Well, you don't talk to me nicely.
- My birthday's come and gone... - To her!
Well, was she right? I mean, do you think I'm uptight?
- No. - I won't fire you.
Yep.
But seriously, sir, you know, marriage is a compromise.
Oh, yes, I know, I know. And she's
passionate, aggressive, exciting, and I'm...
Not.
Look, would it kill you just for once in your life to be on my side?
I'm the one who hired you in the first place.
I'm the one who lets you get away with all the
little things you think I don't know about.
Sometimes I wonder why I bother keeping you on.
That's the passion. That's what she wants.
That's the man she's looking for.
Although I could live without him.
I was just going out to get some fresh bagels.
Yeah. Fran, we heard the fight last night.
It happens your voice carries.
- All the way to your bedroom? - Yeah, to Michigan.
All right, okay, it's true.
Your father and I had a little tiff.
But I don't want you kids to worry about it at all.
I mean, just because I spent the night at ma's
does not mean that we're going to be getting a divorce.
Well, then why did daddy call his attorney?
- What? - Kidding.
- Oh, Fran! - Oh, hi, honey.
You know that pre-med student that I told you about that I'm madly in love with?
Yeah?
Well, I got a date with him tonight!
Oh! Honey, that's fabulous!
I know, and guess what? He's Jewish.
Ah! I mean, ah.
I'm not mad at you anymore, honey.
Where the hell's honey?
Ah!
Hi, sweetie. What's this?
Well, darling, I heard what you said,
thought I'd try to be a little more loosey-goosey.
Oh, sweets.
But you know, honey,
saying loosey-goosey
just means you're not loosey-goosey.
And I wanted you to know that I heard what you said too and, well,
( murmuring ) I'm going to try and be a little more demure.
What?
Try and be a little more demure.
What?
I'm going to be more demure.
You know, darling, I've had a wonderful idea.
What do you say we make arrangements for the children tonight,
and have the whole house to ourselves, huh?
That way when we come back from a business dinner,
we can, er, party-hearty.
Oh, mother. Just a hint, party-hearty?
Right up there with loosey-goosey.
Oh, sweetie, you feel so strong.
Makes me feel so... demure.
- What? - Demure.
Well, Brighton's out, Maggie's out, oh, and Val,
thank you so much for getting Gracie out with you tonight.
Oh, honey, it is no problem at all. I just had to cancel a date.
Oh, no! You had to cancel a date?
No, I just wanted to hear what it sounded like.
Wow, Fran, you look gorgeous.
Oh, thanks, honey.
Sweetie, there's the door, why are you walking that way?
Why are you sitting down? What are you doing? You're making me nervous.
Fran, my new boyfriend's coming over.
I thought you were going out. Already he's here all the time?
Doesn't he have a home?
Fran, what are you saying? You want me to go over to his apartment?
Can I trust you at his apartment?
Well, you raised me.
You're going to her house.
What, Val's? She doesn't even have her own room.
She lives on her parent's couch.
You'll have privacy. I just got the accordion door.
I get it. You want everybody out of the house so that you and dad can...
Ugh!
Everyone's a critic.
( Coughing )
Niles.
What are you doing home on your night off rubbing and coughing like that?
I think I'm coming down with something.
Oh, you know what would be perfect for that?
A night at the Waldorf Astoria, all expenses paid.
Room service, Jacuzzi, special movies.
Oh, I'm just feeling so awful I don't think I could make it into the taxi.
Well, how about a limo?
Stretch?
You know, so I can lie down.
Fine. Fine. Oh, and, Niles, by the way,
you know, when I used to pull this act with Mr. Sheffield,
I got per diem, too.
I can assure you, this is not an act.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
What are you doing all dressed up?
I have a business dinner with Max.
Didn't you assume that he was going to be taking his wife along?
Well, it would be pretty hard, considering she's dead.
Oh, you meant you.
Miss Babcock, you know, now that Max and I are married,
I think that it would really be much better for your health
if you would just go out and get a life.
Make friends, meet people, move on.
No.
I want him, he's mine, and nobody is going to take him from me.
And I will tell him that to his face.
Tell me what?
What a stunner your wife is.
You know she's right, darling, you are stunning. Very classy.
And don't think your effort to compromise has gone unnoticed.
Oh, sweetie, I know how important this evening is to you.
- Do you really? - Yes.
Because in the past, every time a writer has had to choose
between me and Andrew Lloyd Webber, they've always chosen... not me.
Oh, honey. You're a wonderful producer. Don't doubt yourself.
And, you know, this time Webber's out of town so he won't even be at the party.
Oh, my God, you might really have a shot!
That's why it's important we don't take any souvenirs from Wendell's house.
Honey, that's why I took my demure purse.
Look, I'm your wife now.
If you want conservative and classy, you've got it.
Mmm, these are delicious! You know what,
I'm just going to take a few home so my mother can recreate it with scrod.
Darling.
All right, already, I told you, sir, the recipe would suffice.
Thank you.
Darling, I've just been having a word with Wendell Kent,
and at the risk of sounding immodest, he loves me!
Oh, of course he does, my darling, and that's why you're going to get the job.
What's he need with that guy who brought "Cats" and "Phantom" and "Sunset"...
You know what, I'm going to shush myself now.
Maxwell, look who I found!
Ah, Wendell, I'd like you to meet my lovely wife.
Yes, she's already introduced herself to me.
Oh, Wendell, you misunderstood.
No. No, Wendell. This is my lovely wife.
- Ah. - How do you do?
The lady who's making every woman in the room jealous.
( laughs )
Is that because I'm married to such a handsome husband?
Actually, it's the way you look in that dress.
- Especially from the back. - ( laughs )
Stop it, you're embarrassing me.
Now I can't even look at you.
Oh, honey! Honey! You did it! Wendell wants you to do his play!
Yes, I know, I know, I know! And I couldn't have done it without you!
Oh, I always want you by my side. Now go.
- Why? - Because I have to.
Oh, I'm with you. I just want to powder my nose anyway.
Honey, it's a very classy joint. I'd pick up the lid.
What's the matter, sweetie?
Too uptight to go in front of me?
Me? Uptight? No. No.
Oh, good.
Oh, honey, you know,
I just wanted to say, if ever we outgrow the townhouse,
boy this place is the kind of place we should move into. Man it's...
Get out!
I can't do it! I can't do it, all right? I admit it, I am uptight.
Now please, I had two very large martinis. Go.
Okay, okay, yes, I hear you.
Marriage is all about compromise.
This will just be something that you'll have to get used to gradually.
No, never. There are certain intimacies that should never be shared.
But I'm your wife.
Yes, I know, darling, and I love you very much. But I'm English.
And in my country, people don't go in front of their wives.
Well, what's it a law or something?
Yes, it is. Why do you think Henry VIII had so many wives?
They kept walking in on him.
I'm sorry, but this isn't as if I was trying to invade your space or something.
- I just want... - I'm about to explode!
All right! I'll give you your privacy.
I'm going, okay. Oh!
Hi.
Boy, you never know a person until you go through their medicine cabinet.
No bromo, no Tagamet,
no little soap balls from Sheridan Hotel.
Obviously not a Jewish household.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
Oh, well, this is just ridiculous. Help!
Shh!
Again? You're shushing me?
I don't want anyone finding us in here.
Do you know what they'll think we're doing?
Tinkling?
God, that's worse than thinking what I thought they'd be thinking.
You know, you either let me call for help or you learn how
to tinkle in front of your wife.
Those are your choices. ( hisses )
Stop it! You're insane!
I'm insane? I can't scream, you can't go to the bathroom in front of your wife,
what do you want me to do?
You almost done yet?
Just one more second, darling.
Oh, honey, you should see the master bedroom suite.
Fran: Ooh!
Oh, they have that comforter set that I wanted
and the sales lady said it didn't come in cane.
Oh, you know, if they have there those truffles too half-full well, aah!
( Screaming )
Oh, my God!
Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust.
We commit thy servant, Wendell Kent, to you.
Try and be a little positive, I mean,
I heard that Wendell left the rights to his plays to his wife.
I think you still might have a shot.
You landed on her husband and crushed him to death.
What kind of shot do you think I still have?
Don't be such a negative-Ned.
Meanwhile, you're here. I don't see Andrew Lloyd Webber paying his respects.
He doesn't have to. His wife didn't crush Wendell to death.
I'm sorry I crushed your writer.
It was a freak accident. These things happen.
I'm lucky that I walked away with just this.
It hurts much worse than it looks.
That's the widow.
We move...
None of this would have happened if we
weren't trying to change each other so much.
I don't know about that.
Well, let us just recap, shall we?
You tried to loosen up, I tried to be demure, and an innocent man is dead.
Now I just say that we learn to live with each other exactly the way we are,
or senseless bloodshed shall continue.
There's practically no one here.
Well, honey, what do you expect? The man was hardly a saint.
I mean, he cheated on his wife, stole money from his family...
That's the mother.
Can we go?
( Max laughing )
Oh, good God!
What's he doing?
He's reading the play he lost to Andrew Lloyd Webber.
- Hey, it sounds hysterical. - Mm-hmm.
Fran!
- Tell him I'm working! - No, your his wife now.
Tell him I'm spending. I'm spending.
Fran, you've got to read this.
This... this play is hysterical.
You're happy? Why?
Because it's a drama. I'd have lost my shirt if you hadn't fallen on Wendell.
- Really? - Yes!
( Both laugh )
Both: May he rest in peace.
( Jazz music playing )