I can't wait any longer. Sweetheart!
Mom.
How is she? How is the baby?
Fran, I am so sorry.
I lost the baby?
Well, let me explain. In rare instances, the HGC levels
can elevate to such a vast concentration that it emulates...
What the heck are you talking about?
A false positive. Turns out you were never pregnant.
What?
My married daughter isn't pregnant?
How can you screw up like this?
Screw up has a negative connotation.
We prefer to use the word, "mishap."
What was all that stomach pain I was feeling?
That was caused by something you ate.
Fran, I can't tell you how sorry I am.
Darling, everything is okay.
The important thing is you're all right.
Yeah.
But you, however...
You are going to call Myra Needleman herself
and explain why the "Hadassah Newsletter"
suddenly has no headline.
Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry. Oh, you must be feeling...
I can't even imagine how you're feeling.
Oh, it's okay. It... you know.
What are you going to do? I guess it just...
It wasn't meant to be. Um... Look on the bright side.
Now this'll give you time to get used to the name Schlomo.
Why don't you go pay the bill and I'll get my things together,
and then we'll go home?
- You sure you're all right? - I'm fine. I'm absolutely perfectly fine.
All right.
( Sighs )
( cries )
Honey, you forgot to kiss me goodbye!
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart.
Are you sure you're going to be all right? You don't want me to stay with you here?
I'm okay. You can go to work.
- All right. Love you. - Love you.
Darling, you do realize you're still holding on?
Yes, I do.
Sweetheart, would you like to talk?
Yes, I would.
Do you mind if we do it sitting down?
Fran: Okay.
Now, darling, what's the matter?
Oh, honey, I know that I was really strong at the hospital,
but, to tell you the truth, I already started loving that baby.
Oh, darling, I know. So did I. But you know what they say.
If at first you don't succeed, try and try again.
And again, and again, and again, and again, and again.
I love you so much right now.
Come with me, I want to show you something.
Look at this.
I already did a little shopping...
( giggles )
What if it's a boy?
Oh, well... ( giggles )
Darling, the child isn't even born yet
and already you're pressuring him to be a doctor.
Well, they didn't have little lawyer suits.
- Darling, I love you so much. - I love you.
I can't wait to come home, climb into bed, and start againing again.
Mm-hmm. Oh, Ma, guess what?
Maxwell and I decided that we're going to try and make a baby right away.
- Oh, mazel tov. - No jumping! No jumping!
- Love you. - I love you, son.
Everything is going to be wonderful, you'll have a baby before you know it!
It's going to take forever.
He's over 40 and his sperm are practically in a coma.
Ma, what are you saying?
I'm saying his little fish
are going to need a little help swimming upstream.
- Franny? - What?
I know someone with the exact same problem.
Just got married, thought she was pregnant, found out she wasn't...
Yetta, that's me.
Oh. Well, then you tell it.
You know something? When my mother couldn't get pregnant,
she went to am herbologist, and then she had three of the...
Of the dumbest kids I have ever met.
Yetta, you're talking about Val.
Yeah.
Oh, well, then, you tell it.
You know, it might not be a bad idea going to a herbologist.
Your cousin Meryl went, remember? Mr. Fu?
Ma, you want me to put my husband's little swimmers
in the hands of a man whose office is in a Chinese restaurant?
It's Cantonese.
And it's behind the restaurant.
Meanwhile, he gave Meryl a bunch of roots and crap.
And bam, she got pregnant.
All right, I'll talk to Max about it.
- No! - Why?
He'll lose confidence, he'll feel emasculated,
and then he'll never want to have sex with you again.
And then he'll...
And then you'll have her marriage.
- Oh! Wow! - Oh! Wow!
Would you look at all this stuff?
Yeah. Ooh, I wonder what this is for?
Oh, this is very good for the brain. Makes you smart. 50 cents a bottle.
And how much for two bottles?
You'd better take the large.
Thank you.
Hi, Mr. Fu. I'm Fran and, you know, we're having a little trouble conceiving.
Say no more!
This is an ancient Chinese mushroom root.
You put it in a shake, and he takes one every 24 hours.
But how many times a day?
So this stuff is really gonna make
his little soldiers swim faster?
Just ask Mrs. Fu.
Oh, congratulations, Mrs. Fu.
So the shake got you pregnant?
No, unfortunately I also had to use Mr. Fu.
( laughs )
And if you need a little extra help, eat these special almond cookies.
It'll make the two of you really hot for each other.
Oh.
Well, that's very thoughtful, but, to tell you the truth,
my husband and I don't need any help in that department.
Why would a woman under 30 need any help?
You know what, you'd better give me three dozen.
Just give me the whole box.
Val, I find these instructions so confusing.
No, it's easy, Fran. Look, here's the protein shake that'll help Max's swimmers.
And if he's not in the mood, here are the cookies that'll help make him frisky.
Val, I'm the cookie that'll make him frisky.
Meanwhile, I think it is high time that the Western Medical community
recognized the value in ancient Chinese medicine.
Val, those smart pills are really beginning to kick in.
Isn't it prodigious?
Oh, well, now you're just showing off.
Fran, do you have some time to help me with my homework?
Sure, honey. I always have time for you. What's the subject?
Honors Algebra two.
Oh, look, sweetie, your square root's all off.
Fran, look, her square root's all off.
Oh. Oh, yes. I see.
Valerie, why don't you take young Gracie upstairs and, you know,
do whatever to make it more prodigious?
What's that, Nanny Fine? Slimfast?
No. Swim fast.
Why would a woman go to such lengths to have a baby?
You know, in fact, I was thinking about having one of those operations,
but then I thought, what if I marry a wealthy man
who insists I produce an heir.
Oh, stop deluding yourself. Go ahead and have the vasectomy.
Oh, now, I have such a good comeback.
But don't you have to go wash your boss' underwear?
Mm. You know, Nanny Fine may not know how to work an oven,
but she knows how to get good takeout.
These cookies are delicious.
They are pretty good, aren't they?
In fact, they're not bad at all.
Niles, is that a new apron you're wearing?
Have you guys seen mom or dad in the past couple of days?
Yeah, what have they been doing?
Hey, Niles, do you know what mom and dad have been up to?
Um... they're trying to coproduce a new project.
How? Dad's going to let Fran handle his business?
Eat your eggs.
How are you, baby?
Hi, dumpling.
Mm, you smell good. What is that?
Lemon Bowl Fresh.
You're wearing those extra-wide shoulder pads today, aren't you?
I'm not wearing any.
Better.
Should we worry about this?
Let them experiment. I hope it's just a phase.
- Niles! - What!
Niles, quick! Quick! Throw this pregnancy test away quick.
Quick as you can. Well, I could have done that.
I meant throw it away outside.
Well you could have done that, too.
It was another negative.
I'm going to try and hold off this bad news as long as possible.
The poor thing will fall apart.
Yeah, yeah.
Maxwell, as long as I have you here, there's
some business we need to take care of.
It seems that...
( laughs )
Stop it.
It seems Andrew Lloyd Webber was slated to do "Hollywood Squares" this week.
Oh, that is so typical of the man! Oh, he's all commercial.
Honestly, he'd sell out at the drop of a hat.
And he has the gall to call himself a man of the theater?
Well, they couldn't get him and they want you instead.
Oh, I'm going to do "Hollywood Squares"?
Fran: Honey! Honey!
Have you seen my pregnancy test?
Sweetheart, guess who's going to meet nine celebrities
and I'm going to let her bring her camera?
What are you talking about?
I'm going to do "Hollywood Squares."
Oh, "Hollywood Squares"! I love "Hollywood Squares"!
Oh, honey, that's so exciting! Have you seen my pregnancy test?
Uh, Whoopi Goldberg's going to be on the show.
And... I know. Why don't you invite your mother?
You're inviting my mother too?
Oh, the test was negative, wasn't it?
Oh, darling, darling, I'm so sorry.
Oh. I don't understand this. Why aren't we getting pregnant?
I mean, we keep trying again and again and again.
Darling, I know. I know.
Look, look, I'm tired, you're tired,
what do you say we just rest for a while
and wait a bit until we try again? Hmm?
What do you say I go and make the arrangements for "Hollywood Squares,"
and then I'll take my beautiful wife out
for a lovely, romantic dinner?
Oh, that's so sweet! I love you.
We're not going to wait. We're going to try again right now, aren't we?
- Yeah... - Yeah.
( Sighs )
Fran, don't be so depressed.
Dr. Reynolds said there's nothing wrong with you or Maxwell.
Well then why'd she subscribe those stupid hormones for me?
Darling, taking hormones is a natural thing.
Your Aunt Addy and your Uncle Artie both took them.
Mum, that's because Aunt Addy was Uncle Artie.
Shh! She's collecting two Social Security checks.
- All right. - You know,
I never understood why people buy toilet water.
You ever smelled the water in a toilet?
It's not that great.
What's the matter, Val? You stopped taking your smart pills?
I had to. It gave me terrible gas.
What is the use of being brilliant when nobody wants to come near you?
Man: Mrs. Fran Sheffield, your hormones are ready.
Oh, shh! Does everybody have to know my business?
It's not like when you had that nauseous-making rash.
Stop it!
Just give me my prescription, and I'll take an ovulation kit please, in here.
Are you a mess.
I'm glad I didn't ask you out like your mother wanted me to.
( Gasps ) Ma!
Well, you weren't married and, ah, that was really it.
Well, Val, we've got to hurry up
because Maxwell's expecting me back at the house in an hour.
You know, the one good thing that has come out of all of this
is that it's made me and Max inseparable,
if you know what I mean?
And remember, until you're ovulating,
you and your husband cannot have any sex.
Well, so far I think abstaining is going quite well.
Darling, it's been five minutes.
Would you like to watch television?
No, then we'll just have to go downstairs.
No, we've got one right up here.
Really?
Yes, we just haven't had occasion to use it.
- Why don't we just try talking? - Oh, right, that's a good idea.
Oh, sweetheart, what's wrong?
Oh, maybe sex is the only thing we have in common.
Now, darling, don't be ridiculous.
We have lots of things in common.
I don't think we do.
Oh, yes, yes, of course we do.
All right, darling, we should stop this.
Oh, I know.
No, darling, really.
I know, I know.
All right, I'm serious now. Stop.
Right, you know what?
Why don't we just count to three
and then we'll pull apart?
All right. On three or count to three and then pull apart?
I know, we'll make it easy.
Let's just count to 300.
Oh, no, no, no, no. I don't want to do anything
that's going to jeopardize us making a baby.
Darling, this is ridiculous. It can't be as hard as all that.
I mean you abstained for five years. How on earth did you manage that?
More M&M's, sweetheart?
And, in our center square, as always, Whoopi Goldberg!
- Yetta! - Mom! Are you nuts!
Why are you dressed like that?
I didn't know what to wear to this thing so I put on what I wore to the last one.
This is so exciting.
I can't believe I'm this close to Whoop Goldberg and Howie Mandel!
Now, Fran, don't take this the wrong way,
but why is your husband up there with all those famous people?
Val, a lot of people know who Max is.
I'll take... ah... That guy who replaced Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Okay, Maxwell Sheffield, famous Broadway producer,
four shows on Broadway, Tony Award winner, recently knighted,
what have you got to say for yourself?
Actually, Tom, that's Andrew Lloyd Webber's bio.
Sorry. All right, here's your question, Maxwell.
In England, what do you get when you ask a waitress for a banger?
( Chuckles ) Well, Tom, I get a...
I'll tell you what I got. I got six months of penicillin shots.
Thank you, Martin.
Just wait for the laughter to die down before I give my answer.
Well, Tom, when I ask for a banger, I get a slap in the face.
( laughs )
( clears throat )
Sausage?
Buy a vowel.
- I agree. - Sausage is right. Yes.
X gets the square.
I'll take Howie Mandel to block.
All right, that's it, I want a new square.
Brad Pitt wouldn't get picked in this box.
I want to be on top of Whoopi.
Honey, if you was Brad Pitt, you would be.
All right. All right now, Howie, in the story of Hanukkah,
what miraculously lasted for eight days?
Esther's husband.
Where is Fran already?
She went to the bathroom to take her ovulation test.
Now?
Yes. She has to take it the exact same time every day.
Ma! Val! Val! I'm ovulating.
Now is the perfect time for me to be with Maxwell. What am I going to do?
Well, what can you do? He's in the middle of a TV show.
- I know, I know. - All right. All right, relax, Fran.
You know, you've gone without sex for this long.
Is another month really going to kill you?
'Scuse me. What are you doing?
Oh, Miss Whoopi Goldberg. I'm so sorry, I just...
I have to have sex right now.
You know, usually they ask for my autograph.
What is this?
Honey. Honey, honey,
my temperature's right. It's time!
( Clears throat )
I think that one took.
( Sniffs ) Is that Lemon Bowl Fresh I smell again?
Yes.
Well, it's disgusting. It smells like a men's room.
And you'd know.
I don't know what I found attractive about you the last few days,
but you are totally back to repulsive.
Ditto.
Would you be interested in taking a Jacuzzi?
( Jazz music playing )