You call yourself a buckle? You have two jobs,
holding up my fanny pack and making me look good. Come on!
Everything okay, Bryce?
Stephanie, I'm glad you're here. Could you help me take this off?
Well, this is really jammed, huh?
- Please be gentle. - Well, I'm sorry,
but this won't budge.
Wait. I think it moved. Yeah.
- Maybe if put my hand here... - Yes.
Oh, yes, yes, yes. Yes!
Ah, sweet release!
I feel so wonderfully naked.
Oh, yeah... Oh...
Oh, dear God, no!
Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
"It was the biggest and the smallest fish I ever saw".
Mwah!
Why are you making us watch this?
We're inviting you to see Beardy and Baldy do improv
at Flibbertigibbets.
It's going to be explosive. Pew! Pew! Pew!
- Pew! Pew! Pew! - Pew.
Oh, improv, I love improv!
Okay, I'm gonna need an occupation.
As will we all if we don't come up with ten positive ways to say "food poisoning"
for our client, Pink Chicken,
home of the underdone hen.
"Revisit the memory of a great meal".
Good!
"All our calories are temporary".
Stephanie. So nice of you to make it in this morning.
I'm sorry. I had a really rough sleep last night.
Oh, I know. That red-eye from Japan after closing that deal was a killer.
Oh wait, that was me.
And I still made it in on time!
I need you working on the McMillan Charity Ball.
Uh, Stephanie, I have some phone messages for you
in my fanny pack. Could you help me out here?
What? No! I don't want to help you with your crotch purse.
I'm not that type of girl. I'm a working girl.
I'm not a working girl. I work, and I am a girl.
I'm a woman! Stop looking at me, please.
Hmm... I wonder what that was all about.
No, I'm not barely legal,
and you really have to stop calling here.
You know what I wish?
I wish I had a third hand that was always giving people
the middle finger. Save me time while driving.
You flip people off that much?
I'm a teacher, Beckett, and the highway is my classroom.
Beckett. Can I ask you
- a question as a writer? - Sure, Dave.
Then you can ask me a question as an astronaut.
You know, I wish I had a third hand that was always givingyou
- the finger. - Ah, but you don't.
Hey, have you read Richard Branson's new book?
Don't. It is a self-congratulatory piece of crap.
Which is actually the title of the book.
What makes people like that think that anyone wants to read about their lives?
- I'm writing my own book. - Yeah, I mean,
you should write a book.
Just this morning, I said to Beckett,
"Dave could totally write a kick-ass book."
- No, you didn't. - Really? I meant to.
Anyway,
that bastard Branson has inspired me to write down some of my stories on paper.
I just want you to have a look at it, let me know if I'm on the right track.
I'm flattered. Dave Lyons wants me to read his...
- Here it is. - ...very large book.
Hey, be brutally honest, OK?
Ha, ha, ha!
You gotta read.
- I like reading. - Ha, ha, you like reading!
Four espressos. All the way from Manion's.
You realize you have an espresso machine five feet away from you.
- Mm-hmm. - OK,
these are all for you then.
Yeah, I was up super late last night working.
- Ohh, that's so boring. - Well, it's not the only reason.
OK, wanna hear something really messed up?
Always.
OK, but you have to promise not to tell anybody.
I 80% promise.
Last night,
I had a sex dream about somebody in DLPR
and I cannot get the image out of my head.
Who?! Beckett?
- Not Gordon! - Worse...
- Hello, Stephanie. - AH!
- Abby. - Amazing!
Sorry to interrupt your jovial gal chat, ladies.
But these are the flyers for my improv show,
and I wanted to personally invite you both.
Oh, really?
I'm sure Stephanie would love to go to your show, Bryce.
She loves you.
So does Abby, she loves you too.
Well, you two make me feel like a real
improv-Mick-Jagger.
I'm sure you're gonna have Stephanie rolling on the floor in fits of...
Laughter. Rolling on the floor in fits of laughter.
I wouldn't be surprised. There's literally no chairs at the venue.
So, would you like me to frame this and put it up in your locker?
Or is that gonna make it a little hard for you to make out with?
I'm gonna kill you.
What's that? Never stop? Awesome.
What?
He saved how many children from that well? How big was that well?
How clumsy were those children?
Sounds like a bestseller.
It's a rags-to-riches story, except the rags are made out of spun gold.
Any good story has to have some adversity.
It can't be all high points.
Man, I don't know how I'm gonna tell Dave this.
Ohh... Here's an idea: don't.
He said to be honest.
But he meant "Do I look fat in this dress" honest,
not "Do I have something in my teeth" honest.
I don't follow.
Truth is like the movieAlien.
Oh, I cannot wait for this.
Had that baby-space-freak in the guy's stomach
just died inside of him, everybody on board might've been okay,
but it got out and killed everybody on that ship.
Not Sigourney Weaver. She went on to doAvatar.
My point exactly.
That's what the truth will do.
Beckett.
Just curious. What do you think so far?
Well, Dave, to be honest...
You okay?
Yeah.
I loved it! In fact,
the only reason I put it down is because it was so heavy. Congrats,
- big guy. - Oh, thank you,
Beckett guy. I'm going to go
call that hump Branson and tell him to watch his literary back.
Mazel tov. The baby-space-freak
dies inside.
- Hi. - Hey!
How's the rest of your day going? Any more visits from your little bald dream weaver?
I just got that image out of my head.
Oh my God, what are the odds?
Whoa!
Oh my...
Oh, my God...
Thanks, guys.
Where did you get those guys?
I think they're auditioning for the Blue Man Group.
Actors are sad.
Hey!
Is it just me
- or did it get more handsome in here? - It's just you.
Stephanie, McMillan's coming in tomorrow and he wants
to discuss your strategy. So, you'll have to start early.
- OK, got it, great, thank you. - And to expedite things, I'll be working
- right by your side. - Yep, that's how my life works.
- Hey! - Hey!
Ha, ha, ha! Oh, Tolstoy.
It's funny because it's bleak.
Hey.
- What do you think? - Sweet lean.
- Good angle. - It took me two hours to perfect.
It's a little hard to maintain, but I think I'm up for the challenge.
- Nice to see you applying yourself. - You gotta have goals.
- Ah, Beckett. - Dave.
Glad I tracked you down. Great lean, Nelson.
Dave, flawless entrance.
You got me so excited about my memoir,
I just wanted to run a few ideas past you.
It's not likeWar and Peace is going anywhere.
- What were you thinking? - I jotted down some stuff
on a napkin.
Ooh, linen.
- You steal this? - They're complimentary, I believe.
Well, there's a lot of good stuff here.
"Write book as if answering fan letter from God."
- So, what do you think? - Well...
It's a lean cramp.
I think whatever you want to do is good
and people are going to love it.
Great. Well, since you love it so much,
I want you to ghostwrite this book for me.
What? No. Really?
No. Me? No.
Yes. You. Congratulations.
You know, I'm thinking about calling the book
The Greatest Story Ever Told.
- That's already been done. - Oh, uh... King of Kings.
That's a flawless exit.
Good morning!
Oh no!
I figured you guys would be so busy working,
I'd bring you some breakfast.
What have you got?
- Well, there's oysters... - Ooh.
And... oysters.
Breakfast of champions.
Well, I for one am not afraid
of a morning mollusk. Abby, you shouldn't have.
Yeah, Abby, you really shouldn't have.
Licking envelopes.
Classic Bryce.
- Such a giver. - Please stop.
Do you have a technique you care to demonstrate?
No, he doesn't. No.
Why not? You will note
that technique is key for maximum coverage.
Your turn, Stephanie. Fair is fair.
Ooh. "Aw, shucks".
- Mmm! - Ooh!
Oyster puns.
And you dreamt about him. Amazing!
Mmm!
Branson, Lyons here.
I was just calling to let you know that I'm writing a memoir.
There's a chance you might be mentioned in it,
but there's a much greater chance that you won't.
Alright, well, adios, Sir Dick.
Sir Dick. He hates that.
Put that in. Put that in.
OK, now, when I write,
I like to figure out the protagonist. What's his arc?
What are his inner demons? Why should we go
on this journey with him, and what will he learn about himself?
Yes, OK. Well,
inner demons? That he's great.
- OK. - We will go on this journey with him
because he's great.
And in the end, he will learn
what he already knew...
- That he is great? - Exactly.
OK! Alright.
Let the magic begin.
Alright.
Yep.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
- Uh... - Oh, of course, of course! Yeah.
Sorry.
Hey, you gonna drink that scotch?
- Uh, no. - Oh!
No need to waste it!
Hmm! I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'll just be over here.
- You get to work. - Alright.
Ah! OK.
I have an idea. Since I know what you want,
why don't I write a chapter, and I'll bring it back to you.
- Great. Writing's fun, huh? - OK.
- Hey, Steph! - No...
Okay, that's cool, I can walk and talk.
Nothing else here requires Bryce's tongue, so you may leave.
Look, I was having fun
and things got a little out of hand and I'm sorry.
Pardon me. I have an appointment.
Oh, brilliant.
If it isn't Abby's big grand finale.
Hey there, cutie pie. How much did we to pay you to dress like that, huh?
- Excuse me? - No, I get it, I get it.
I have dirty dreams about my co-worker, Bryce.
Weird, sexless Bryce with his big fat fanny pack.
Could I give you a hand with this, hmm?
- Let me take that off for ya. - Dear God,
- my heart medication is in there. - Ooh, ooh, ooh!
You like that? Ha, ha, ha!
Mr. McMillan.
I have an appointment to see Stephanie Lyons.
- Yes, well, she couldn't be here today... - She couldn't be here today,
she was swept away by a tornado. Such a shame. Freak accident.
Don't worry about that girl, she's insane. Have you been to Manion's?
We have a great wing special on today!
- I can't eat saturated fats! - Oh...
- Oh, here's your medication. - Thank you, crazy girl.
Oh, my God. Thank you, Bryce.
Oh, no need to thank me.
Just performing the traditional duties of the office eunuch.
- Bryce, I... - And scene!
Hey, Beckett, you coming to our improv show tonight?
- How many people you got so far? - With you...
one.
But the theatre only holds ten, so it'll feel full.
Yeah. Sorry, Gordon, there's just no way I can make it to your show.
I'm making literary history.
I'll put you down as a maybe.
Wow, look at you all typey- typey, smiley-Wiley. You see?
- Lying works. - Actually, I went in a different direction.
Different how? I thought we'd just agreed that lying always works?
I wrote the truth and I think it humanized him.
That's what people want to read.
- They want depth. - The book weighed 100 pounds,
how much more depth do you need?
You just don't get it, do you? You don't read Superman
to get to really know Clark Kent!
You read it to see Superman defeat Doomsday.
Doomsday killed Superman.
He did? Well, thanks for ruining it.
Beckett, I have some amazing news.
Oh, and I have some amazing news for you. Read this.
Really? Alright!
This isn't what we agreed to write.
- Why isn't this what we agreed to write? - Dave,
your book is just a list of things that make you awesome.
Nothing that makes you interesting. I don't think there's a story here.
Big guy.
Interesting.
Random House didn't seem to share your opinion, though,
when they offered me a six-figure advance.
Really took the sting out of the two grand I was going to pay you.
Nelson, would you like to help me write the next bestseller?
For two grand, I'll even read it.
You just had to let him out, huh?
Looks like your night just opened up.
Should I put you down as a single
or will you be bringing nine friends?
- Hey, Bryce. - Shh! Rehearsing.
Hey, Stephanie.
That got pretty out of hand.
I sexually harassed a client
and then I chucked his heart medication.
So you're gonna pour me a shot, and then you're gonna help me go apologize to Bryce.
Fine.
I like this mirror way better than an actual mirror.
Why's that, Gordon?
Because in this mirror, there's no goat man
staring back at me, beckoning me into his world.
- Ugh! - Ugh!
Gordon, can we talk to Bryce for a sec?
Sure, I'm gonna go to Flibbertigibbets,
burn some sage. It's haunted. See you there.
Look, Bryce, I feel terrible.
You really didn't deserve that.
You are a handsome, charming man.
I know. I'll admit I was hurt at first,
but then I remembered people will say almost anything
once they become sexually obsessed with me.
Sorry.
I wouldn't say... I wouldn't say obsessed...
Oh, tut, tut, dear girl.
There's no shame in it. You're in good company.
Everyone wants a slice of Bryce.
- They do? - Yup. Ren Fair, Comic Con,
and now the world of improv.
- Oh. - Well, that's great, Bryce,
but I still feel really bad. Is there anything we can do to make it up to you?
Sure, come to our show.
- Oh, absolutely, yes. We will be there. - Yes!
I mean, we made fun of him, we didn't kill him.
Oh, no.
- We will be there. - Great.
Although I will ask you to make yourselves scarce
when my groupies come by. They accept every suggestion.
- How's the book coming, Dave? - Well, except for the fact
that Nelson's draft is horrible, it's going great.
Look,
I love a good 'good triumphs over evil' story.
I just never read an 'awesome crushes
everything' tale where the main character's only struggle is where to put his awards.
It's no struggle, I put most of them there.
The rest go in the bathroom. Creates the illusion of humility.
My point is your book
doesn't tell the story of who you really are.
Surely, you must've had one setback.
You've never burned microwave popcorn?
How? I mean, the instructions are right on the bag
and the machine has a button that says "popcorn."
I give up. You are perfect.
Now, look, there's a mystique to being Dave Lyons, alright?
And that mystique keeps us in this lovely office.
Besides, if people want to hear a rich man whine,
they can just turn on FOX news.
So, do you think you'll ever write the whole story one day?
It's already written.
And when I'm dead and I no longer care
about profit margins, it'll come out.
You want to read some?
Go on.
This is the saddest thing I've ever read!
Why couldn't you be at Stephanie's Christmas pageant?
Rotten eggnog scandal of '98.
Oh, it was that important? I've never even heard of it.
Exactly. Thanks to me, no one did.
That's a decision I will always regret.
Hey guys, we're heading over to Bryce and Gordon's improv show.
- Wha... - Merry Christmas.
Shh. You don't have to be strong now.
I don't know.
- Hey! Great show tonight. - Thanks.
So how much did Beardy and Baldy make?
Well, at five dollars a ticket, minus my comps,
and my ginger ale...
We only owe the venue twenty dollars.
And once I give it to them they'll give me Bryce back.
Well, either way, it takes a lot of guts to get up there on stage.
I know. I was nervous at first, but then I learned
to just let it go. It all starts with the trust fall.
- The trust fall? - Yeah. Here, I'll show you.
Turn around.
OK, now fall.
Feels good, doesn't it?
To trust.
It does. Almost too good.
Oh, dear God, no!
Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
I forgot how to shrug.