1 00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:08,960 # Read about the things that happen throughout the world 2 00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:12,520 # Don't believe in everything you see or hear 3 00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:17,480 # Read all about it 4 00:00:17,480 --> 00:00:20,120 # Read all about it 5 00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:21,520 # News of the world 6 00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:23,200 # News of the world 7 00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:25,840 # Read all about it 8 00:00:25,840 --> 00:00:28,520 # Read all about it 9 00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:29,960 # News of the world 10 00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:31,560 ♪ News of the world. ♪ 11 00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:35,600 This programme contains some strong language. 12 00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:37,960 Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain. 13 00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:39,680 Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, 14 00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:41,320 Sara Pascoe and Ed Gamble, 15 00:00:41,320 --> 00:00:43,840 Nathan Caton, Hugh Dennis and Ed Byrne. 16 00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:47,040 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 17 00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:53,680 We start with the round called Picture of the Week. 18 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:55,200 I show the panel a topical image 19 00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:57,720 and ask them to tell me what's happening. 20 00:00:57,720 --> 00:01:00,200 Here's a picture of the new Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn. 21 00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:01,360 So, what's going on here? 22 00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:03,840 Has he been sleeping in the bin on the right? 23 00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:08,240 It could be, "The oldest delivery boy in the world 24 00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:11,400 "still hasn't figured out how to hold a pizza correctly." 25 00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:16,840 I suspect he's dressed up for his first meeting with the Queen. 26 00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:21,240 Is it just simply "First day at big school"? 27 00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:24,760 Is it "Breaking news, 28 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:27,320 "Marks & Spencer merge with Sports Direct"? 29 00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:32,720 I think, possibly, it's page three of the Socialist Worker. 30 00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:36,720 I'm glad you told me that was Jeremy Corbyn. 31 00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:41,720 For a second I was worried that's what Charlie Brown looks like now... 32 00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:44,400 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 33 00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:48,840 ..and that folder actually contains Snoopy's ashes. 34 00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:50,320 AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS 35 00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:51,640 - Snoopy. - ANDY: Too much now. 36 00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:53,480 Please, please. Snoopy is long dead. 37 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:58,200 SARA: I think it's "66-year-old legend's still got it going on." 38 00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:01,560 I reckon the owners of number 48 are probably very proud 39 00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:05,400 to be able to show off their garden like that, though. 40 00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:07,880 They're sitting watching this going, "It was a Tuesday. 41 00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:11,240 "It was a Tuesday! The bins are collected on a Tuesday." 42 00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:14,040 I bet they were more surprised than anyone that one of their gnomes 43 00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:16,160 just came to life and walked off. 44 00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:18,440 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 45 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:22,920 Is he such a dedicated socialist 46 00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:25,760 that he refuses to look to the right 47 00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:29,000 even though that's the direction he is in fact walking in? 48 00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:37,480 I'm sorry, we've all worn bad T-shirts and shorts, 49 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:39,480 it's just socks with the trainers 50 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:41,560 is the only genuinely offensive thing there. 51 00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:43,400 - Yeah. - And not using cocoa butter. 52 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:44,680 And not using cocoa butter? 53 00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:48,480 - Yeah, his legs are... - He's a 66-year-old man! - So? 54 00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:51,040 There's no age restriction on cocoa butter. 55 00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:53,840 I'm really 55. 56 00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:58,360 It is Jeremy Corbyn, who was elected leader of the Labour Party 57 00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:02,960 on Saturday, winning a landslide majority of 59.5% of the vote. 58 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:06,120 So, how are we doing - the new era under Corbyn? 59 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:07,800 It's exciting. It's really exciting. 60 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:11,080 I'm so happy and I'm not going to let you guys ruin it for me. 61 00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:12,480 I'm not going to. 62 00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:13,800 That's reasonable, isn't it? 63 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:17,680 There's nothing weird about Jeremy Corbyn at all, is there? 64 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:19,240 HUGH: It's right, though, isn't it? 65 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:21,040 In an era of identikit politicians, 66 00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:23,560 it is about time we had a leader of a major party 67 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:27,040 who looks like he should be advertising canal boat holidays. 68 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:30,400 Look, I'm not surprised that he won, 69 00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:32,600 I'm surprised that he won by such a large majority. 70 00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:34,000 Like, he got so many votes, 71 00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:36,560 like, even the organisers of the Qatar World Cup were going, 72 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:39,160 "How the hell did he do that?" 73 00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:43,000 His first congratulation call was from Sepp Blatter... 74 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:45,880 I feel really sorry for him, cos even though he's actually won this, 75 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:47,800 people in Labour don't even seem to like him. 76 00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:49,640 I think it's because he is so good. 77 00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:53,640 He's a saint, he's so pure, he's so principled. 78 00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:57,000 He collects pictures of drain covers. 79 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:58,640 OK. Is that a thing? 80 00:03:58,640 --> 00:04:00,200 He is the nerd of the nerds. 81 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:02,560 Obviously he's not the only MP 82 00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:05,840 who's got a large collection of pictures of manholes, 83 00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:08,200 - but he's... - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 84 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:15,000 Also the weird thing is he's an Arsenal supporter, 85 00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:16,520 he goes to loads of matches... 86 00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:18,800 That comes as no surprise, does it, Dara? 87 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:21,080 Yes, well, he lives in Islington, for God's sake... 88 00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:22,920 Well, not so much that, 89 00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:25,400 but it's a bunch of underperforming reds 90 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:28,040 who are hooked on the outmoded concepts 91 00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:29,680 of a foreign intellectual 92 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:32,320 who, when they tried to put a team together this year, 93 00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:34,640 couldn't get anybody decent to join them. 94 00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:37,600 SOME CHEERS FROM AUDIENCE 95 00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:44,640 That is funny. That is a weapon's grade analogy there. 96 00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:50,240 No, it's actually... How did Cameron react? 97 00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:51,840 Did you see Cameron's reaction to it? 98 00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:54,360 - Security is the key word. - There's a lot about security. 99 00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:58,000 He sent out this tweet, effectively... 100 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:00,400 DARA READS TWEET 101 00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:05,600 "..YOUR family's security." 102 00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,800 "Not my family. My family are fine. 103 00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:11,400 "We live in a big house with two policemen out the front. 104 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,040 "But your family? Where are they now? 105 00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:14,480 "Did you think that for a second? 106 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:17,240 "Look around, can you see them? No, I can't see them either. 107 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:20,840 "He's climbing the window and stolen them. That's what he's doing. 108 00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:22,440 "Your family are gone, my friend, 109 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:26,400 "and I have a unique set of skills, so return my family or I will..." 110 00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:28,200 Oh, whatever Liam Neeson does. 111 00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:33,960 You see that tweet and then you see a picture of Jeremy Corbyn, 112 00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:37,720 supposedly the most dangerous man in Britain. 113 00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:40,920 This is the man who's a 66-year-old beige pensioner 114 00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:43,640 who's a pacifist, vegan cyclist. 115 00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:45,600 The most dangerous man in Britain? 116 00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:48,160 He's in trouble if there's a lorry turning left 117 00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:50,280 and he hasn't had his B12 supplements. 118 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,920 Do you think the subtext is the Labour Party now is a threat 119 00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:59,040 to our national security, economic security and your family's security 120 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:01,360 because now they've become completely unelectable, 121 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:04,040 we Tories are going to go hog wild on this country? 122 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:07,360 It feels like Cameron's got the Labour Party mixed up 123 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:09,480 with the bad guys from Transformers. 124 00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:12,640 Who are the bad guys in Transformers? 125 00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:14,560 ROBOTIC VOICE: The Deceptacons. 126 00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:20,360 APPLAUSE 127 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:21,560 The Decepticles? 128 00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:22,880 The Decepticles. 129 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:26,760 I think we've just spotted the nerd of the nerd of the nerds. 130 00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:29,080 I think it would be exciting. I was saying to my friend, 131 00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:31,520 "Imagine if we had a genuinely pacifist Prime Minister - 132 00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:33,480 "he'd spend the defence budget on education, 133 00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:35,440 "he'd put Trident on eBay, like, he'd just... 134 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:36,600 "It'd be so brilliant." 135 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:39,360 My friend was like, "Yeah. Then what about if Britain was invaded 136 00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:42,120 "and everyone's family is killed?" 137 00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:44,240 "Yeah, he probably won't get re-elected." 138 00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:46,360 LAUGHTER 139 00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:47,880 But it's a really great thing. 140 00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:49,200 If you did buy Trident on eBay, 141 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:50,440 I think it's not a bad idea, 142 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:52,520 but if you do, if you are buying it... 143 00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:53,880 come and collect it. 144 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:56,480 It's not the kind of thing you want delivered. 145 00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:05,880 I actually agree with Corbyn about the whole Trident stuff, 146 00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:07,680 because I'm not a massive fan of Trident. 147 00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:09,880 I'm more of an Airwaves person myself. 148 00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:16,080 What has been the response to the new Shadow Cabinet? 149 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:17,880 I was very excited by the Shadow Cabinet. 150 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:20,000 No way(!) Yes. 151 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:21,960 Lots of people that I'd never heard of before, 152 00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:24,520 and the minute I heard of them, I loved them. 153 00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:27,920 It made me... Jeremy Corbyn's Shadow Cabinet made me understand 154 00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:30,040 why people play Premiership Football Manager. 155 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:36,600 It's going to be an amazing team. Play too much on the left... 156 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:41,320 But they share the ball, including with the other team. 157 00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:43,360 But their goals are unattainable. 158 00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:48,120 APPLAUSE 159 00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:50,960 Sorry, I just had a moment where I sounded exactly like my father 160 00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:52,560 and I need to shake that off. 161 00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:57,600 - Yeah, and also, it has twins. - The Eagle twins. 162 00:07:57,600 --> 00:07:59,400 HUGH: Oh, I love this. 163 00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:00,840 This is in defence, isn't it? 164 00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:02,320 Appointed Angela Eagle 165 00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:05,360 and at the same time appointed Lord Falconer, 166 00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:09,960 and you wonder if Lord Falconer...is there to control Angela Eagle. 167 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:11,400 "Here, Angela." 168 00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:14,640 DARA LAUGHS 169 00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:18,560 "And the other twin, now I've got both of them." 170 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:20,000 Yes, in other political news, 171 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:23,520 - who did David Cameron manage to offend this week? - Everyone. 172 00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:27,200 Just by being him. 173 00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:31,720 Sneaking up behind them and going, ("Where's your family now?") 174 00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:33,360 "Mum? Mum?" 175 00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:35,480 He offended Yorkshire, didn't he? 176 00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:37,440 He said he knew they hated everybody else, 177 00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:39,880 didn't know they hated each other more, 178 00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:42,560 and he said this when he was going to watch 179 00:08:42,560 --> 00:08:46,160 England against Australia in a one-day cricket match at Headingley. 180 00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:49,280 Or as he likes to call it, the home of Aston Villa. 181 00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:54,280 You know that people from Yorkshire hated everyone outside of Yorkshire. 182 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:55,920 First of all, they're quite charming. 183 00:08:55,920 --> 00:08:57,480 Is that a thing in this country? 184 00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:00,000 They have a massive rivalry, but also within Yorkshire 185 00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:02,320 they have a rivalry, because it's all split up. 186 00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:03,760 North, south, east and west, 187 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:05,800 so people from Leeds hate people from London 188 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:07,360 cos they regard them as southern. 189 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:09,440 People from Leeds hate people from Sheffield 190 00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:11,000 cos they regard them as southern. 191 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:13,920 People from Leeds hate people in Beeston, 192 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:16,440 cos although it's Leeds, it's south Leeds. 193 00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:19,280 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 194 00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:26,160 To be honest, I'm not really interested in this story. 195 00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:28,160 LAUGHTER 196 00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:32,000 A question I've been asking myself 197 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:33,920 since the beginning of this 198 00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:36,120 is does Angela Eagle tweet? 199 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:40,480 Or does she just go... 200 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:41,880 HE SCREECHES 201 00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:51,080 Check out her account and it's just hundreds of "A-H-H-H-H-H-H-H", 202 00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:53,000 and then, "A mouse!" 203 00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:58,000 Yorkshire does have an excellent accent though. 204 00:09:58,000 --> 00:09:59,880 One of the finest accent jokes in the world 205 00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:02,520 is one about the Yorkshireman whose dog dies and he goes to 206 00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:05,080 a jewellers and says, "I want a statue made of me dog." 207 00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:07,800 And the jeweller says, "Do you want it eighteen carat?" 208 00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:10,120 And he says, "No, I want it chewing bone." 209 00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:15,680 It's a great joke. 210 00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:19,040 Yeah, it's not mine, I didn't write it. Classic joke. 211 00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:21,280 YORKSHIRE ACCENT: A Yorkshireman has invented 212 00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:23,160 a replacement for antibiotics. 213 00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:24,520 Uncle-biotics. 214 00:10:29,560 --> 00:10:31,240 No wonder they hate each other 215 00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:33,760 if they're telling each other those jokes! 216 00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:36,040 "You've ruined Christmas again, Dad!" 217 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:38,400 OK, at the end of that round, 218 00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:40,200 the points go to Ed, Hugh and Nathan. 219 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:42,000 APPLAUSE 220 00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:47,560 Now we play a round called 221 00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:49,560 You've Got To Be Corbyn It To Win It. 222 00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:52,240 AUDIENCE GROANS 223 00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:54,360 This game involves Nathan Caton and Ed Gamble, 224 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:57,000 so if you could make your way to the performance area, please. 225 00:10:57,000 --> 00:11:00,000 This round is a stand-up challenge, I launch the Wheel of News 226 00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:01,400 and wherever it chooses to stop, 227 00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:04,360 one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject. 228 00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:06,440 OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel. 229 00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:10,080 And the first topic is home life. 230 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:13,200 - Nathan. - Yeah, I can talk about home life. 231 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:17,400 I, eh, still live at home with my mum, still. 232 00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:19,520 Thanks for the judgmental silence. 233 00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:24,680 Yeah, I live at home, my mates give me the most stick for it, 234 00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:27,480 cos I'm the last one in my group of friends who still lives at home 235 00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:29,200 with my mum, they've all moved out. 236 00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:31,680 So they see me as a mummy's boy, and every time they see me, 237 00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:33,280 "Nathan, what's wrong with you, man? 238 00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:36,000 "Why you still at your mum's, why you still at your mum's?" 239 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:38,680 It's like, "I live in west London, have you seen house prices? 240 00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:40,440 "I'm not going anywhere, man." 241 00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:42,600 If anything, I'm looking at my mum thinking, 242 00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:44,680 "When are YOU going to bloody leave? 243 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:48,680 "Clinging on, let it go, woman." 244 00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:54,120 She's going to slap the black off me when she sees this. 245 00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:58,600 See, I like peace and quiet. Although to be honest, 246 00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:00,760 at home I'm not getting a lot of peace and quiet. 247 00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:02,720 Mainly because of my mum and my stepdad, 248 00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:08,000 they got married quite recently, and, erm, I'm happy for my mum. 249 00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:09,840 She's found happiness, she deserves it. 250 00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:13,040 However, at the moment they're going through that honeymoon phase, 251 00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:15,760 where they're having sex all the time. 252 00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:17,920 Yeah, it is bloody disturbing, man. 253 00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:20,240 Cos my bedroom is, like, right next door, 254 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,600 so every time they do it, I hear everything. 255 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:25,280 A few Saturdays ago, right, it's late at night, 256 00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:29,120 I'm about to go to sleep, from next door I can hear my stepdad going, 257 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:33,320 CARIBBEAN ACCENT: "Oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, Lord, oh, Lord, 258 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:35,920 "say something nasty, say something nasty..." 259 00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:37,720 LAUGHTER 260 00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:40,760 So I screamed out, "You're not my real dad!" 261 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:45,040 Thank you very much, Nathan Caton. 262 00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:49,000 OK, that leaves us with Ed, 263 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:52,360 let's see what topic you've been left with. 264 00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:54,040 And the topic is diet. 265 00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:56,840 LAUGHTER 266 00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:59,880 I hope this isn't just a hint that I need to lose weight. 267 00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:02,440 Cos I've lost quite a lot of weight recently, 268 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:05,080 about 6st in the last three years. 269 00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:06,440 SILENCE 270 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:08,000 Cheers, guys, thanks...(!) 271 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:09,280 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 272 00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:12,200 Too late, you went with the British reaction, thank you very much. 273 00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:14,480 "Couldn't give a shit, mate, carry on. 274 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:17,640 "Stop showing off, we don't want to hear about it." 275 00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:20,520 Found myself in a bit of a nightmare situation recently, 276 00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:22,520 I went to the Middle East to do some gigs. 277 00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:25,880 Now, that bit was nice, lovely, but they put you up in a hotel 278 00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:28,200 where the food is all-you-can-eat buffets 279 00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:30,360 three times a day for ten days. 280 00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:32,960 This is a nightmare scenario for me 281 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:36,280 because I cannot be trusted at an all-you-can-eat buffet. 282 00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:38,480 Sometimes I don't even remember the buffet bit, 283 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:41,240 all I remember is picking up a plate and I wake up six hours later 284 00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:43,960 covered in rice and sauce. 285 00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:46,080 I can't theme a buffet either. 286 00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:47,840 I won't pick up a plate and go, 287 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:49,760 "I'll have some rice, I'll have some curry. 288 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:52,800 "Well done, Ed, you've made yourself an Indian meal." 289 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:57,400 Won't do that. I'll get a plate, get a spoon 290 00:13:57,400 --> 00:14:01,000 and I'll run along the full line of trays just scraping food 291 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:03,120 from every nation onto it, 292 00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:05,280 until I've got some sort of plate Pangaea, 293 00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:09,720 just an unidentifiable mass - Spanish food, Japanese food, 294 00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:13,520 Chinese food, Indian food, coffee, sushi, just horrible... 295 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:14,880 Just wedge my face into it, 296 00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:17,040 everyone going, "Is that man all right?" 297 00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:20,000 "Don't look at me! I'm having a buffet!" 298 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:22,520 Just food from all over the world. 299 00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:27,440 My body, for ten days, had no idea where I was on this planet. 300 00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:30,360 I went for a shit three days in, a UN flag came out. 301 00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:33,160 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 302 00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:36,680 Well done. At the end of that round, the points go to Ed Gamble. 303 00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:38,360 Come on back. 304 00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:46,840 The next round is called If This Is The Answer What Is The Question? 305 00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:48,400 On the board are six categories. 306 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,320 Nathan, which category would you like? 307 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:52,560 - Uh, it's got to be sport, please. - OK, cool. 308 00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:54,440 Your category is sport, the answer is... 309 00:14:57,280 --> 00:15:00,440 Erm, "How many white people apologised to me 310 00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:02,640 "when 12 Years A Slave was in the cinema?" 311 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:07,760 (I'm really sorry, really sorry.) 312 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:09,960 I don't know him, it's cool. Don't worry. 313 00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:13,720 It is, "How many pounds in cash did the Queen hide under her bed 314 00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:17,880 "when she'd seen that Jeremy Corbyn had been elected leader?" 315 00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:20,000 Her family's security is at risk. 316 00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:25,080 Is it, "How does someone with a cold say 'One million'?" 317 00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:30,400 That could be what caused the financial crisis. 318 00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:34,480 Is it, "How many wives would Henry VIII have had 319 00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:35,880 "if he'd been on Tinder?" 320 00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:40,600 "I shall have her! 321 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:42,800 "And I shall have her!" 322 00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:45,040 Am I even flicking the right way? "I shall have her!" 323 00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:47,400 - You did good. - Thank you. - Oh! N... 324 00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:54,760 Is it, "How many crisps can you eat before you bleed to death... 325 00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:58,600 "..having a spiky, spiky poo?" 326 00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:05,320 - From a spiky poo? - Or as the Scots call it, "Bitey shitey". 327 00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:11,520 Is it, "What is the first thing that happens 328 00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:13,800 "in Billy Elliot, The Musical?" 329 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:15,240 "One - Billy on." 330 00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:18,800 AUDIENCE GROANS 331 00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:23,040 Is it, "How many of Hilary Clinton's e-mails were actually spam 332 00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:26,080 "asking her if she wanted to increase her penis size?" 333 00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:30,800 Is it, "How many traces of urine are there in a peanut bowl 334 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:32,640 "in a piss-on-your-hands club?" 335 00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:39,880 I really hope it's that one! 336 00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:42,080 Fingers crossed! Is the right answer! 337 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:45,800 Is it, "How many times since Saturday 338 00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:47,560 "has Andy Burnham gone, 'Bollocks.'?" 339 00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:52,080 Can we move towards the correct answer, please? 340 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:56,600 OK, "How many tracks are there on the compilation album 341 00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:58,120 "The Best Of Sound?" 342 00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:07,040 That's gotta be the answer, right? 343 00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:10,080 It was only released... It was released this week. 344 00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:13,040 We now have to think of things to improvise around that now. 345 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:15,240 "Oh, this really is the BEST of sound." 346 00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:23,160 I think it's, "How much income will be generated by the Rugby World Cup?" 347 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:25,520 That's absolutely right, Hugh, thank you very much. 348 00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:26,920 APPLAUSE 349 00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:31,360 Yes, the answer we were looking for was, 350 00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:33,680 "By how much money is the forthcoming Rugby World Cup 351 00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:36,280 "expected to boost the economy in the UK?" The tournament, 352 00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:39,000 which is being hosted by England for the first time since 1991, 353 00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:41,680 begins on Friday and is expected to attract 354 00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:43,880 almost half a million overseas visitors. 355 00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:45,400 People getting excited? 356 00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:48,320 Yes, there's only one sleep until the Rugby World Cup 357 00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:52,760 and then 25 more sleeps, as I snooze through it cos it's so boring. 358 00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:55,160 I think you can sleep for 45 - it goes on for a while. 359 00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:58,240 - You're excited? You... - Yeah, I'm excited, I'm excited. 360 00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:01,120 Yeah, you know, there are very few games where, 361 00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:04,400 before you go out on the pitch, you decide there's probably a need 362 00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:08,000 for you to gaffer tape your own ears to your head. 363 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,800 - Is that what they have to do? - Yeah, in case people bite them. 364 00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:12,040 People chew their ears. 365 00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:15,520 Not in a nice nibbly way? Like, "You're playing really well." 366 00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:20,560 That's what we do at netball. 367 00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:24,360 It's the only sport where the opening ceremony 368 00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:26,680 is a doctor just explaining concussion. 369 00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:29,800 That's one thing I do find fascinating 370 00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:31,720 is how well behaved they are in rugby. 371 00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:33,920 I'm used to football where they argue all the time. 372 00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:36,680 Rugby's like cricket in the sense that they just obey. 373 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:38,880 In cricket, if you're given out, you don't argue. 374 00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:40,560 It's like, "Why are you not arguing?" 375 00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:42,320 The umpire's an old guy with a cardigan. 376 00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:46,080 You're a young athlete with a bat - you can make him change his mind. 377 00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:48,760 Somebody sent me the Ireland jersey. 378 00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:52,000 A couple of mates have sent me the Irish jersey in large 379 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:53,600 and it's ludicrous. 380 00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:56,600 It's like a child's T-shirt, because they wear them incredibly tight 381 00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:57,840 so that no-one can grab them, 382 00:18:57,840 --> 00:18:59,560 there's nothing to hold on to any more. 383 00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:02,320 It's all changed. I put it over my head with my hands through it 384 00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:06,720 and had to get somebody to roll it down my torso. 385 00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:10,680 You look a bit like the thing at the end that they throw the ball across. 386 00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:14,120 Like that and they throw it through. 387 00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:15,840 Before you make jokes like that, 388 00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:18,320 you need to make sure you know "posts" is a word. 389 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:21,840 It's not netball, you don't throw the ball over the posts! 390 00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:24,480 It would be wonderful if, at the very end of the World Cup Final, 391 00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:27,520 they just threw the ball over the posts and went, "Yay!" 392 00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:29,080 That's not how you score! 393 00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:32,520 Kicking, though - you kick it through the posts? 394 00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:34,080 And then the game's over? 395 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:35,640 No, no! 396 00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:37,720 This is such a happy day for me 397 00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:41,560 that somebody on this show knows less about sport than I do. 398 00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:44,240 I'm sitting here now, I feel like Eddie Waring. 399 00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:47,360 Eddie Waring who was Rugby League? 400 00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:52,880 In the line-out, what happens is they throw the ball in 401 00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:56,160 and it's a bit like cheating, cos two of them can lift up a player 402 00:19:56,160 --> 00:19:57,920 so as they jump higher to get it, right? 403 00:19:57,920 --> 00:19:59,680 But if there's eight in the line-out, 404 00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:01,480 why don't they take the cheating further, 405 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:05,120 get three of them to lift up two of them to lift up one of them? Yes! 406 00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:08,680 It's like Strictly or something. 407 00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:11,360 They're all standing there and, suddenly from nowhere, 408 00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:13,080 one them just appears out of the line. 409 00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:15,760 Generally in the direction you're reaching for the ball. 410 00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:18,880 They should do more...that. 411 00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:21,880 They should play the music from Dirty Dancing when that happens. 412 00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:23,120 That would be fantastic! 413 00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:27,560 BOTH SING: # The time of my life... # So the person who gets lifted up, 414 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:30,160 do they know it's going to happen, or is it a surprise? 415 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:34,320 Like if you two suddenly lift me and I'm like, "Oh, my God! I never knew! 416 00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:35,760 "I'm the chosen one!" 417 00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:37,920 Sometimes they think it's the Rapture 418 00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:39,440 and... 419 00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:42,760 ..they think, "Oh, take me now, Lord! 420 00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:46,680 - "Oh, no, don't...!" - SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER 421 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:49,840 Then they're immediately run over by eight Frenchmen. 422 00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:54,440 - It's a very beautiful game. - What a happy game! 423 00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:58,320 OK, moving on, who have scientists discovered in a cave this week? 424 00:20:58,320 --> 00:20:59,920 I'm so excited about this story. 425 00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:02,400 But I can't pronounce the name and I'm worried about... 426 00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:04,160 I know they're not here to get offended. 427 00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:07,640 - They're not. - Homo NA-ladi. Or na-LA-di. 428 00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:09,240 Nadali. Homo nadali. 429 00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:12,240 - Nadali? - Sorry, sorry, Homo naledi. 430 00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:14,040 Oh! No, can we just savour that moment 431 00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:16,160 where he corrected your pronunciation 432 00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:18,800 - by getting the word completely wrong? - Yes. 433 00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:21,000 Can we all just enjoy that for a second? 434 00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:25,440 It's impossible to say it without doing the... 435 00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:27,360 IN REFINED VOICE: .."M'lady". 436 00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:29,800 To give its full name, it's Homo naledi... 437 00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:31,280 no cry. 438 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:34,440 The reason I love this story 439 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:38,120 is they found a few bodies from 100 years apart in a cave. 440 00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:40,960 - This guy, this idiot... - That's Homo naledi. 441 00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:43,120 The find was announced last Thursday 442 00:21:43,120 --> 00:21:46,360 by the South African University of the Witwatersrand, 443 00:21:46,360 --> 00:21:49,600 National Geographic and the UK science journal eLife. 444 00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:51,360 That is a spooky cover. 445 00:21:51,360 --> 00:21:55,560 - SARA: It is amazing. - They have your hooded eyes, Dara. 446 00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:58,120 But the thing is... LAUGHTER 447 00:21:58,120 --> 00:22:01,280 I would find it very hard to believe if the production staff of this show 448 00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:03,800 had not done a photograph of that and made it look like you. 449 00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:06,000 - I would like to think they have. - Uh-oh! 450 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:09,640 APPLAUSE 451 00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:11,760 But why...? No! 452 00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:15,520 - Pull the face! - No! - Pull the face! 453 00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:18,560 - I am not doing the face! - HUGH: I tell you one thing - 454 00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:20,760 I am not getting on that Megabus. 455 00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:26,600 Now that, I think, is a thing. 456 00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:28,960 ANDY: I think we know where this is going now, don't we? 457 00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:30,800 There we go. 458 00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:32,800 APPLAUSE 459 00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:34,600 Wow. 460 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:36,520 You look the happiest out of all three. 461 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:39,400 - How did they die? Do you know how they died? - No. I don't know. 462 00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:41,960 They were shot by an American dentist. 463 00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:43,800 LAUGHTER AND GROANS 464 00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:45,400 Now, that is too soon. 465 00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:49,120 - Yep. - OK. At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Sara and Andy. 466 00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:52,880 APPLAUSE 467 00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:56,840 Now we come to Scenes We'd Like to See. 468 00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:59,760 So, if everyone can make their way over to the performance area, 469 00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:01,280 I'll read out this week's topics 470 00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:03,720 and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with. 471 00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:05,160 OK, here we go. 472 00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:07,400 The first subject is... 473 00:23:12,120 --> 00:23:13,680 History... 474 00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:15,800 did I delete it? 475 00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:19,760 BUZZER 476 00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:26,040 If cycling ten miles a day uses up 400 calories, 477 00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:29,920 explain why Boris Johnson is still a fat bastard. 478 00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:32,120 BUZZER 479 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:37,520 If the sun is 93 million miles away, 480 00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:40,440 how can that cost £32 in an Uber? 481 00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:43,120 BUZZER 482 00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:47,520 Where is Greece? 483 00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:50,040 Is it, A, the Southern Mediterranean 484 00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:52,200 or, B, up shit creek? 485 00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:55,160 BUZZER 486 00:23:57,120 --> 00:24:00,720 What does the French phrase "deja vu" literally translate as? 487 00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:03,720 BUZZER 488 00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:07,600 Using examples of Michelangelo's work, 489 00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:10,160 write 500 words on why he was the best turtle. 490 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:13,240 BUZZER 491 00:24:15,360 --> 00:24:19,360 What does the French phrase "deja vu" literally translate as? 492 00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:22,080 APPLAUSE 493 00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:23,120 BUZZER 494 00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:25,840 Question A. 495 00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:28,760 Media Studies - is it a real subject? 496 00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:32,080 Question B. 497 00:24:32,080 --> 00:24:33,880 IS it? 498 00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:36,600 BUZZER 499 00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:42,280 Using a compass and ruler, draw a perfect cock and balls. 500 00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:44,440 BUZZER 501 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:49,000 Is this a rhetorical question? 502 00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:52,840 BUZZER 503 00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:56,680 You may now commence your anal sex exam. 504 00:24:56,680 --> 00:24:58,360 Please turn over. 505 00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:01,160 BUZZER 506 00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:08,280 Explain how Ukip became a major force in British politics 507 00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:10,840 without using the word "wanker". 508 00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:13,400 BUZZER 509 00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:18,760 If Jay-Z is unfortunate enough to have a problem with a bitch, 510 00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:20,960 how many problems does Jay-Z now have? 511 00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:24,080 BUZZER 512 00:25:26,360 --> 00:25:29,640 Aggravated violence, question one. 513 00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:32,560 Why might you use a bit of rubber hose pipe? 514 00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:34,960 No marks. 515 00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:39,520 BUZZER 516 00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:42,360 What colour is this dress, 517 00:25:42,360 --> 00:25:45,160 white and gold or black and blue? Discuss. 518 00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:47,360 BUZZER 519 00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:50,920 If a train leaves the station at the correct time 520 00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:54,040 and arrives at its destination at the correct time, 521 00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:55,600 how cool would that be? 522 00:25:57,360 --> 00:25:58,400 BUZZER 523 00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:00,600 Chemistry. 524 00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:01,840 Me, you - is there any? 525 00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:04,880 BUZZER 526 00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:07,360 OK, the next topic is... 527 00:26:12,920 --> 00:26:15,160 I'm Hillary Clinton and, if you elect me 528 00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:18,000 the first female President of the United States, 529 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:20,520 I promise you that, on my first day in the White House, 530 00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:22,920 I will hire a very attractive male intern, 531 00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:24,640 he will be on his knees, 532 00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:27,280 not having sexual relations with me all day 533 00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:29,640 hashtag payback, hashtag long game. 534 00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:32,680 BUZZER 535 00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:39,120 SOUTHERN ACCENT: I want to go to Washington. Why? 536 00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:42,160 I want to see what colour the White House is. 537 00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:46,280 BUZZER 538 00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:50,280 No, we can't! 539 00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:53,680 BUZZER 540 00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:59,200 The name Clinton is in the DNA of the White House. 541 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:03,640 In fact, the DNA of Clinton - on the walls of the White House. 542 00:27:05,120 --> 00:27:06,160 BUZZER 543 00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:09,640 I know the value of family, 544 00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:13,520 because I sold one of my children to pay for this campaign. 545 00:27:13,520 --> 00:27:14,800 BUZZER 546 00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:19,920 As president, I will welcome immigrants - 547 00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:23,600 because the White House is massive, and it's not going to clean itself. 548 00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:25,040 BUZZER 549 00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:29,520 I will govern for all of this country. 550 00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:32,880 Not just the metropolitan cities on the coast, 551 00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:36,840 but also you cousin-shaggers down south. 552 00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:38,920 BUZZER 553 00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:44,360 I would like to introduce you to my new Homeland Security Advisor - 554 00:27:44,360 --> 00:27:45,640 say hi, Lambchop. 555 00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:48,000 "Hi!" 556 00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:49,160 BUZZER 557 00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:53,440 Come on! Of course I'm the guy to succeed Obama. 558 00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:54,720 You know what they say - 559 00:27:54,720 --> 00:27:56,640 "Once you go black." 560 00:27:58,720 --> 00:27:59,920 BUZZER 561 00:28:01,040 --> 00:28:03,720 If you elect me America's first colour-blind president, 562 00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:05,080 I will do everything I can 563 00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:07,720 to uphold the values of the brown, white and green. 564 00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:10,000 BUZZER 565 00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:14,080 I would now like to talk to you people 566 00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:17,280 in a language of my own devising. 567 00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:19,760 HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH 568 00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:23,800 Thank you. BUZZER 569 00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:28,600 I want to put more Boots on the ground in Afghanistan - 570 00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:31,240 and also two more branches of Paperchase. 571 00:28:33,400 --> 00:28:34,440 BUZZER 572 00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:39,240 What you must remember is that the people we need to convince 573 00:28:39,240 --> 00:28:41,360 are the great American people, 574 00:28:41,360 --> 00:28:45,120 and most of them are as thick as pigshit. 575 00:28:46,920 --> 00:28:48,160 BUZZER 576 00:28:49,840 --> 00:28:52,640 I'd like to apologise for Mr Trump, 577 00:28:52,640 --> 00:28:56,200 which is what I say when I've just farted in bed. 578 00:28:57,480 --> 00:28:58,520 BUZZER 579 00:29:00,920 --> 00:29:02,240 When I was little, 580 00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:06,280 I did not plan to be President of the United States. 581 00:29:06,280 --> 00:29:10,320 This is more like a holding job until I get to rule a good country. 582 00:29:11,800 --> 00:29:12,840 BUZZER 583 00:29:14,080 --> 00:29:16,320 I am American through and through. 584 00:29:16,320 --> 00:29:19,080 Cut me, and I will shoot you in the face. 585 00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:23,560 BUZZER 586 00:29:23,560 --> 00:29:26,160 I wish to have no secrets in this campaign. 587 00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:27,760 I wish to be completely open, 588 00:29:27,760 --> 00:29:29,480 and it is...that is why... 589 00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:31,960 I'm going to start that again, cos I fucked that up. 590 00:29:31,960 --> 00:29:33,200 BUZZER 591 00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:38,880 We Republicans want to reach out to all Americans, 592 00:29:38,880 --> 00:29:40,720 blacks, whites... 593 00:29:40,720 --> 00:29:42,720 Chinesey-looking ones. 594 00:29:44,880 --> 00:29:46,280 BUZZER 595 00:29:46,280 --> 00:29:48,440 I want to have no secrets in this campaign, 596 00:29:48,440 --> 00:29:50,760 and that is why I have gathered you here tonight 597 00:29:50,760 --> 00:29:52,240 to tell you... 598 00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:55,520 I shot gay... JFK, fuck me! 599 00:29:57,400 --> 00:29:59,040 APPLAUSE 600 00:29:59,040 --> 00:30:01,000 - BUZZER - OK, at the end of that round, 601 00:30:01,000 --> 00:30:03,320 the points go to Ed, Sara and Andy! 602 00:30:09,680 --> 00:30:11,560 And that's the end of the show. 603 00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:13,280 This week's winners are... 604 00:30:13,280 --> 00:30:17,160 Nathan Caton, Hugh Dennis and Ed Byrne. 605 00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:19,200 See what you get?! 606 00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:21,560 You see what you get? 607 00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:25,000 Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Sara Pascoe and Ed Gamble. 608 00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:29,120 Thanks for watching - I'm Dara O Briain. 609 00:30:29,120 --> 00:30:30,560 Goodnight. 610 00:30:30,560 --> 00:30:32,840 APPLAUSE 611 00:30:34,080 --> 00:30:39,600 # Read about the things that happen throughout the world 612 00:30:39,600 --> 00:30:44,560 # Don't believe in everything you see or hear 613 00:30:44,560 --> 00:30:48,000 # Read all about it 614 00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:50,440 # Read all about it 615 00:30:50,440 --> 00:30:52,360 # News of the world 616 00:30:52,360 --> 00:30:54,280 ♪ News of the world. ♪