1 00:00:04,421 --> 00:00:06,344 Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine. 2 00:00:06,423 --> 00:00:08,596 You hear me, Jerry? You're gonna be fine. 3 00:00:08,675 --> 00:00:10,268 - Whoa! - Ooh, watch out for that stuff. 4 00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:11,937 It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, 5 00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,605 and it'll send you into a murderous rage 6 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:15,273 if it gets in your eyes or mouth. 7 00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:16,942 Why would you keep mutant bacteria 8 00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:18,610 in a pint of Cherry Garcia? 9 00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:20,107 I know this isn't the time, but, you know, 10 00:00:20,187 --> 00:00:21,530 technically, the second freezer drawer is mine. 11 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:22,857 - Not anymore. - You're overreacting! 12 00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:24,237 We're losing him. - All right, fine. 13 00:00:24,316 --> 00:00:25,533 But you're not touching my crisper. 14 00:00:25,609 --> 00:00:27,202 - Is he going to die? - Don't worry. 15 00:00:27,277 --> 00:00:29,279 Dr. Glip Glop is the best in the galaxy. 16 00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:31,206 Hello, I'm Dr. Glip Glop. 17 00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,993 Oh, my god! Oh, my god! 18 00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:35,373 Aah! 19 00:00:35,452 --> 00:00:37,921 What? 20 00:00:37,996 --> 00:00:40,294 Every hospital claims to have the best doctor in the galaxy. 21 00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,092 It's like those pizza places 22 00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:43,840 that claim to have the best pizza in the world. 23 00:00:43,919 --> 00:00:45,546 What do you think, they have pizza contests? 24 00:00:45,629 --> 00:00:47,097 Have you ever been to a pizza contest? 25 00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:48,845 - Go in the waiting room, Dad. - Fine! 26 00:00:48,924 --> 00:00:50,972 Excuse me. 27 00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,553 Coming through. What are you here for? 28 00:00:52,636 --> 00:00:53,603 Just kidding. I don't care. 29 00:00:56,014 --> 00:00:57,311 Well, this won't do. 30 00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:59,689 - Hey, what are you doing? - A sequel. 31 00:00:59,768 --> 00:01:02,191 - I don't understand. - Yeah, me, neither. 32 00:01:02,271 --> 00:01:04,399 We pretty much nailed it the first time. 33 00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:22,841 Ooh! Ooh! 34 00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:24,509 Ow! 35 00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:27,680 "Man vs. Car," the newest hit show, 36 00:01:27,754 --> 00:01:31,054 - Where it pits a man... - Yeah! 37 00:01:31,133 --> 00:01:32,601 - ...versus a car. 38 00:01:32,676 --> 00:01:34,428 On tonight's episode, 39 00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:36,513 Michael Jenkins fights a regular old car. 40 00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:38,440 Here we go. 41 00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:40,267 Oh, he's pushing his way through. 42 00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:41,602 He's trying to fight that car, 43 00:01:41,685 --> 00:01:43,358 but the car seems to have the upper hand. 44 00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:45,986 Oh, he's got a little bit of pushback there. 45 00:01:46,064 --> 00:01:48,317 Oh, no. He just got ran over... 46 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:50,448 and chewed up by the tires. 47 00:01:50,527 --> 00:01:53,451 I guess that's another one for the cars. 48 00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:57,326 I mean, wouldn't the cars always win? 49 00:01:59,036 --> 00:02:02,381 Samantha, I need to know that you understand 50 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:05,630 that I have a couple of eyeholes. 51 00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:07,632 I do. I do understand about your eyeholes. 52 00:02:07,711 --> 00:02:10,305 Here, look at my eyeholes. 53 00:02:10,380 --> 00:02:14,305 Oh, my god. You have eight eye ho-- holes. 54 00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:17,725 Ohh, I'm looking through your eyeholes. 55 00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:19,727 Yes, look through my eyeholes. 56 00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:26,000 Ripped By mstoll 57 00:02:26,021 --> 00:02:28,023 I'm the Eyehole... Man. 58 00:02:28,106 --> 00:02:32,452 I'm the only one that's allowed to have Eyeholes. 59 00:02:32,527 --> 00:02:35,906 Get up on out of here with my Eyeholes. 60 00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:37,912 Eyeholes. Get them today. 61 00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:39,618 You gotta be careful, Morty. 62 00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:41,453 If that guy catches you with a box of his Eyeholes, 63 00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:43,129 he comes bursting in through a window 64 00:02:43,205 --> 00:02:44,798 and just starts kicking the shit out of you. 65 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:46,462 But it's worth the risk. 66 00:02:46,541 --> 00:02:48,134 They melt in your mouth, Morty. They're delicious. 67 00:02:48,210 --> 00:02:50,053 Dad, I can't believe you're explaining alien cereal. 68 00:02:50,128 --> 00:02:52,506 - We're worried about Jerry. - Well, you're 39 years too late, 69 00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:54,387 or, you know, however old he is. 70 00:02:54,466 --> 00:02:55,968 Is he -- Is he 50? 71 00:02:56,051 --> 00:02:57,849 Jesus Christ, Beth, is -- Is Jerry 50? 72 00:02:58,095 --> 00:03:00,473 Where am I? 73 00:03:00,555 --> 00:03:03,855 Relax, Mr. Smith. You're in an alien hospital. 74 00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:05,694 I mean, to you, it's an alien hospital. 75 00:03:05,769 --> 00:03:07,362 To me, you're just in a hospital. 76 00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:08,689 There's another matter we need to discuss with you. 77 00:03:08,772 --> 00:03:09,773 Okay. 78 00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:11,608 An hour ago, Shrimply Pibbles, 79 00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:14,366 the galaxy's most influential civil rights leader, 80 00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:16,742 was brought to this hospital's emergency room, 81 00:03:16,822 --> 00:03:19,075 where he is currently fighting for his life. 82 00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:20,204 My god. 83 00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:24,083 Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibbles' life can be saved 84 00:03:24,162 --> 00:03:27,962 if we replace his heart with your human penis. 85 00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:29,509 I see. Wait, what? 86 00:03:29,584 --> 00:03:31,382 It's perfect. 87 00:03:31,461 --> 00:03:32,963 The configuration of veins, 88 00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:35,424 the ratio of thickness to elasticity, 89 00:03:35,507 --> 00:03:37,726 the delicate asymmetry of what you call your balls, 90 00:03:37,801 --> 00:03:40,600 and with relatively few adjustments, 91 00:03:40,679 --> 00:03:43,273 your genitals can be molded into a functioning heart 92 00:03:43,348 --> 00:03:46,147 for the most important man in the universe. 93 00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,069 - Yeah, but -- I mean -- - Oh, forget it! 94 00:03:48,145 --> 00:03:50,022 I told you this was a waste of time! 95 00:03:50,105 --> 00:03:51,607 Have respect, Yarp. 96 00:03:51,690 --> 00:03:53,613 The Earth man's world is tiny and undeveloped. 97 00:03:53,692 --> 00:03:55,865 He knows nothing of the genocides of Clorgon 98 00:03:56,111 --> 00:04:00,742 or the tragic events of 65.3432.23/14. 99 00:04:00,824 --> 00:04:04,670 And even if he did, he wouldn't comprehend them. 100 00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:06,873 I've dwelt among the humans. 101 00:04:07,122 --> 00:04:10,922 Their entire culture is built around their penises. 102 00:04:11,168 --> 00:04:13,045 It's funny to say they are small. 103 00:04:13,128 --> 00:04:15,381 It's funny to say they are big. 104 00:04:15,464 --> 00:04:16,886 I've been at parties 105 00:04:17,132 --> 00:04:21,057 where humans have held bottles, pencils, thermoses 106 00:04:21,136 --> 00:04:23,764 in front of themselves and called out, 107 00:04:23,847 --> 00:04:27,647 "Hey, look at me. I'm Mr. So-And-So-Dick. 108 00:04:27,726 --> 00:04:30,445 I've got such-and-such for a penis." 109 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:32,943 I never saw it fail to get a laugh. 110 00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:34,487 All right! That's enough! 111 00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:36,239 You guys are talking about my species. 112 00:04:36,318 --> 00:04:39,242 We understand genocide. We do it sometimes. 113 00:04:39,321 --> 00:04:40,914 Then you would give your penis 114 00:04:41,156 --> 00:04:42,499 so that Shrimply Pibbles might live? 115 00:04:42,574 --> 00:04:44,497 - Stop asking! - Yes, I will! 116 00:04:44,576 --> 00:04:46,169 That's right, assholes. 117 00:04:46,244 --> 00:04:47,712 Take my penis. Take it all! 118 00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,040 And tell Shrimply Pibbles 119 00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:51,375 that when the galaxy came calling, 120 00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:53,677 Jerry Smith from Earth didn't flinch! 121 00:04:57,172 --> 00:04:58,799 Hey, w-what's wrong, Morty? 122 00:04:58,882 --> 00:05:00,350 Oh, you're worried about your dad, huh? 123 00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:01,642 Huh? Oh, no, no, no. 124 00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:03,345 I'm just -- I'm just looking 125 00:05:03,428 --> 00:05:05,351 at that lady over there getting coffee. 126 00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:06,647 What's up with her face? 127 00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:09,067 Is she human, or is she like Worf? 128 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:10,485 You know, Worf from "Star Trek," 129 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,813 how he has all that shit all over his face, 130 00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:15,069 but he's just a human in a costume, you know? 131 00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:16,741 Morty, uh, let's see what else is on, huh? 132 00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:18,114 Okay. 133 00:05:18,193 --> 00:05:20,116 And now we're back to "How Did I Get Here?" 134 00:05:20,195 --> 00:05:22,914 the only show that makes you ask yourself, 135 00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:24,866 "How did I get here?" 136 00:05:26,243 --> 00:05:27,916 Here's our first person. 137 00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:29,996 Oh. Oh, my god. 138 00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:31,920 How did I get here? 139 00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:33,671 Hello?! 140 00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:35,627 How did I get here?! Somebody, help me, please! 141 00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:37,678 All right! 142 00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:40,177 Holy crap! Look, it's that lady with the shit on her face 143 00:05:40,257 --> 00:05:42,851 like Worf from "Star Trek" that was getting coffee! 144 00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:44,599 How did she get there?! 145 00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,430 Oh, my god, Morty, how did she get there? 146 00:05:46,513 --> 00:05:48,686 How did she get there? 147 00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:51,518 Is that something we should be concerned about? 148 00:05:51,601 --> 00:05:53,820 Just stay away from the coffee machine. 149 00:05:53,895 --> 00:05:56,364 Calling all Jan Michael Vincents. 150 00:05:56,439 --> 00:05:58,487 Calling all Jan Michael Vincents. 151 00:05:58,567 --> 00:05:59,864 In a world 152 00:05:59,943 --> 00:06:01,616 where there's eight Jan Michael Vincents... 153 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,697 We need one Jan Michael Vincent 154 00:06:03,780 --> 00:06:04,781 to Quadrant 155 00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:06,117 We need two Jan Michael Vincents 156 00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:07,496 to Quadrant 157 00:06:07,576 --> 00:06:09,419 ...and 16 Quadrants, 158 00:06:09,494 --> 00:06:11,997 There's only enough time for a Jan Michael Vincent 159 00:06:12,247 --> 00:06:13,749 to make it to a quadrant. 160 00:06:13,832 --> 00:06:16,335 He can't be at two quadrants at once. 161 00:06:16,418 --> 00:06:18,716 Hey, Rick, who -- Who is Jan Michael Vincent? 162 00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:20,718 Oh, man, I'm trying to remember, Morty. 163 00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:23,721 Jan Michael Vincents are used up. 164 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:27,145 I need a goddamn Jan Michael Vincent. 165 00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:30,269 Is it important that we know who Jan Michael Vincent was... 166 00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:31,816 - In order to get this? - Nope. 167 00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:34,691 I refuse to send the legislation that allows more 168 00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:38,069 than eight Jan Michael Vincents to a precinct. 169 00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:40,238 This Jan-Uary, 170 00:06:40,317 --> 00:06:43,617 it's time to Michael down your Vincents. 171 00:06:43,695 --> 00:06:47,370 "Jan Quadrant Vincent 16." 172 00:06:47,449 --> 00:06:48,541 - Whoa! - Whoa! 173 00:06:48,617 --> 00:06:49,914 That's Jan Michaels. 174 00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:51,711 Excuse me, nurse, can you take my temperature 175 00:06:51,786 --> 00:06:53,208 because I think I have 176 00:06:53,288 --> 00:06:55,757 Jan Quadrant Vincent fever over here. 177 00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:57,926 All right, Morty! You've done it. 178 00:06:58,001 --> 00:07:00,424 So, we'll be detaching your sexual organ at the base 179 00:07:00,503 --> 00:07:03,347 by making incisions here, here, and here. 180 00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:04,470 Got it. 181 00:07:04,549 --> 00:07:06,267 Leaving a partial length of severed urethra 182 00:07:06,343 --> 00:07:08,186 To be threaded through -- 183 00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:11,014 Oh, you know what, I gotta -- I gotta laugh at myself here. 184 00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:12,815 I'm having a little laugh at myself 185 00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:14,609 because I just realized I haven't run 186 00:07:14,684 --> 00:07:16,231 this whole decision past my wife. 187 00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:18,439 Oh. Do you think she'll be okay with this? 188 00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:19,773 Oh, absolutely. 189 00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:21,779 Beth's automatically on board always 190 00:07:21,858 --> 00:07:23,906 with every decision I make. 191 00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:25,407 Hey, I'm Stealy. 192 00:07:25,487 --> 00:07:28,081 Follow me on my adventure through this office. 193 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:31,910 All right, here we go. 194 00:07:31,993 --> 00:07:33,791 We're gonna just steal a couple of things. 195 00:07:33,870 --> 00:07:35,213 Excuse me. Can I help you? 196 00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:37,336 Starting with common office objects. 197 00:07:37,415 --> 00:07:38,917 Hey, hey, hey! That's my stuff! 198 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:40,547 Such as staplers and pins 199 00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:42,550 and all sorts of things like -- Such as that. 200 00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:44,302 That's it. I'm calling security. 201 00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:46,133 No! 202 00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:53,603 All right, okay, now we're in the quiet safe room 203 00:07:53,682 --> 00:07:55,980 where none of the people whose stuff I stole 204 00:07:56,059 --> 00:07:57,311 can get to us. 205 00:07:57,394 --> 00:07:59,396 Now, let's look at all the stuff we got. 206 00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:01,982 We got a bag of bobbish. 207 00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:04,568 That's eight brapples. 208 00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:06,324 We got a plumbus. 209 00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:08,906 That's 6 1/2 brapples. 210 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:12,163 We got, uh, a -- Crushed red party cups. 211 00:08:12,409 --> 00:08:14,377 15 1/2 brapples. 212 00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,998 Welcome back to "Funny Songs." 213 00:08:18,081 --> 00:08:19,879 It's all improvised. It's very funny. 214 00:08:19,958 --> 00:08:22,177 I need a volunteer from the audience. 215 00:08:22,419 --> 00:08:24,342 Um, longtime fan of the show. Uh -- 216 00:08:24,421 --> 00:08:26,844 What do you do? What's your profession? 217 00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:28,971 I am a tax attorney. 218 00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:31,519 Okay, here we go. Hit -- Hit the music. 219 00:08:48,945 --> 00:08:50,162 The end. 220 00:08:50,405 --> 00:08:52,032 Oh, my god. Oh, that was so, so funny. 221 00:08:52,115 --> 00:08:53,617 - Thank you. - You're welcome. 222 00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:55,327 Hey, um, security guards, take him out. 223 00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:56,957 Get him out of here. - What? 224 00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:58,380 Get the orthodontist out of here. 225 00:08:58,455 --> 00:09:00,048 - No! Why? 226 00:09:00,123 --> 00:09:03,377 Take him out of the audience. Kill him. Sic him. 227 00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:04,712 Demons... 228 00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:06,717 Suck his life out. I don't give a shit. 229 00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:08,844 - Smith family? - Yes? 230 00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:11,893 I wanted to let you all know that Jerry is doing just fine. 231 00:09:11,968 --> 00:09:13,891 - Yay! Called it! - Whoo-hoo! That's good news! 232 00:09:13,970 --> 00:09:16,473 But, uh, Mrs. Smith, could you come with me? 233 00:09:18,141 --> 00:09:20,439 Hi, honey, so, here's the thing -- 234 00:09:20,518 --> 00:09:22,145 These guys -- They want to completely 235 00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:24,902 remove my penis and use it as an alien's heart. 236 00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:27,075 And we just need you to sign off on it. 237 00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:28,652 - What?! - Uh-Oh. 238 00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:31,864 Maybe we got a problem here after all, guys. Yikes. 239 00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:34,699 His penis will be replaced with a sophisticated prosthetic. 240 00:09:34,783 --> 00:09:37,127 Now, there's a wide range of options to choose from. 241 00:09:37,202 --> 00:09:38,829 They're all in this catalogue. 242 00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:41,085 I don't care about prosthetics. This is insane. 243 00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:43,007 What do you people think you're doing? 244 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:45,006 I understand your feelings, Mrs. Smith. 245 00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:46,337 Oh, I don't think you do. 246 00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:48,342 I bring my husband in for emergency treatment. 247 00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:50,014 He's gone an hour. 248 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:52,639 And now you want his penis, and you hand me some... catalog. 249 00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:54,685 It's -- It's -- It's -- It's -- I mean... 250 00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:56,684 Sheesh. Well, there you go. Sorry. 251 00:09:56,763 --> 00:09:58,936 I know it's hard to understand, 252 00:09:59,015 --> 00:10:01,814 but on Earth, love comes first. 253 00:10:01,893 --> 00:10:03,941 There are those that believe, Mr. Smith, 254 00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:06,773 that Shrimply Pibbles represents love between all life. 255 00:10:06,856 --> 00:10:08,824 His fate will determine 256 00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:11,653 the fate of hundreds of billions of sentient life-forms. 257 00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:15,036 Whoa! Whoa. So, billions of life-forms? 258 00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:16,833 Hundreds of billions. 259 00:10:16,908 --> 00:10:19,787 I mean, Jerry, y-you didn't explain 260 00:10:19,869 --> 00:10:22,543 the full gravity of the situation. 261 00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,374 Uh, well, Beth, I don't think your decision 262 00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:26,209 should be based on politics. 263 00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:28,215 Who could argue with a wife's decision 264 00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:30,217 to keep her lover intact? 265 00:10:30,296 --> 00:10:32,890 Well, I don't think that's fair at all, Jerry. At all. 266 00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:35,890 In fact, the whole paradigm has sexist overtones. 267 00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:37,971 Beth, can we talk about this privately? 268 00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:39,977 You know, I think the bottom line is, Jerry, 269 00:10:40,056 --> 00:10:43,151 if you want to keep your penis, you should say, out loud, 270 00:10:43,226 --> 00:10:45,149 "I prefer to keep my penis." 271 00:10:45,228 --> 00:10:47,981 But, Beth, what kind of man would say something like that 272 00:10:48,064 --> 00:10:50,317 if the universe needed his penis?! 273 00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:52,319 Well, Jerry, what kind of wife would I be 274 00:10:52,569 --> 00:10:55,493 if I did anything to stand in your way? 275 00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:02,170 Hey, listen, is your mouth tiny and small? 276 00:11:02,245 --> 00:11:03,872 Then why don't you come to Lil' Bits... 277 00:11:03,955 --> 00:11:05,252 Lil' Bits! 278 00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:07,004 ...where the food is tiny. 279 00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:08,756 It looks like regular food, but really tiny. 280 00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:10,337 You can put it in your mouth and eat it. 281 00:11:10,587 --> 00:11:11,804 Nothing gets stuck in your lips. 282 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:13,723 It's just tiny and tiny and fits right -- 283 00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:15,721 - Fits right in. - Lil' Bits! 284 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:19,725 We got tiny lasagna, tiny pizza, tiny pie. 285 00:11:19,804 --> 00:11:23,024 Mmm! Little, tiny fried eggs. 286 00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:25,568 Oh, shit. We got tiny people. 287 00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:26,690 Lil' Bits! 288 00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:28,146 You hungry? Come on down. 289 00:11:28,229 --> 00:11:29,731 Lil' Bits. 290 00:11:29,814 --> 00:11:32,363 Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch. 291 00:11:32,609 --> 00:11:34,077 Just kidding. 292 00:11:34,152 --> 00:11:36,200 You've got some time to kill before the procedure, 293 00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:38,702 so I assume you'd like to, uh, 294 00:11:38,781 --> 00:11:40,249 use your penis one last time. 295 00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:41,702 Here's my computer. 296 00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:43,582 It's got the alien internet on it. 297 00:11:45,079 --> 00:11:46,581 Here's some porn. 298 00:11:46,664 --> 00:11:47,836 And there's an alien towel. 299 00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:49,463 I actually got that on another planet. 300 00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:51,044 So it is an alien towel to me. 301 00:11:51,127 --> 00:11:52,970 - Good luck. - Thanks. 302 00:12:02,013 --> 00:12:04,232 What is this? 303 00:12:04,307 --> 00:12:05,229 Hmm. 304 00:12:05,308 --> 00:12:07,402 Hey, wait a minute. 305 00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:08,566 Oh, uh, Mr. Smith? 306 00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:10,192 Uh, yeah, just masturbating! 307 00:12:10,271 --> 00:12:11,989 I forgot to mention, 308 00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:14,409 there are extensive medical records open on my desktop, 309 00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:16,949 and I trust you to confine your activities... 310 00:12:17,028 --> 00:12:19,247 - to the purely pornographic. - Absolutely! 311 00:12:19,322 --> 00:12:20,790 Good luck. 312 00:12:23,034 --> 00:12:24,877 My god! 313 00:12:24,953 --> 00:12:27,797 Mr. Pibbles, you just wrote my penis 314 00:12:27,872 --> 00:12:31,172 a one-way ticket to staying on my body town. 315 00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:34,972 It's the opposite news with Michael Thompson. 316 00:12:35,046 --> 00:12:37,094 Hey, everybody. It's me, Michael Thompson. 317 00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:39,972 Today the Pope didn't get killed. 318 00:12:40,051 --> 00:12:43,146 He's perfectly fine. And he's on vacation in Aruba. 319 00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:45,144 In other opposite news, information... 320 00:12:45,223 --> 00:12:46,975 Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy? 321 00:12:47,058 --> 00:12:48,981 W-Why is his body, like, sloping off 322 00:12:49,060 --> 00:12:50,983 to the right side of the screen like that? 323 00:12:51,062 --> 00:12:52,814 I don't know, Morty. See what else is on, huh? 324 00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:54,820 Hey, welcome to "Cooking Things." 325 00:12:54,899 --> 00:12:56,196 I'm Pichael Thompson. 326 00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:57,653 Hey, wait a minute, Rick. 327 00:12:57,735 --> 00:12:59,078 This guy's body is, like, sloping down 328 00:12:59,153 --> 00:13:00,655 and leaning off to screen left. 329 00:13:00,738 --> 00:13:02,206 Oh, my god, and his name's Pichael. 330 00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:03,875 I'm cooking a little bit of this. 331 00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:05,668 I'm gonna cook a little bit of that. 332 00:13:05,743 --> 00:13:08,121 Oh, Oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael! 333 00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:09,547 Oh, my god! Siamese twins! 334 00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:11,249 They're -- They're Siamese twins! 335 00:13:11,332 --> 00:13:13,460 You quit tugging. I-I'm in the middle of my news. 336 00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:15,383 Oh, oh, it's always about you, isn't it? 337 00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:17,555 Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? 338 00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:20,008 He's got his own news show. He 's got a normal name. 339 00:13:20,091 --> 00:13:21,968 - Hey, flip back to the news. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 340 00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:23,974 You could tell our parents started with naming with him. 341 00:13:24,053 --> 00:13:26,852 It's like, "oh, Michael." They had that one planned... 342 00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:28,558 before they even got pregnant, I bet. 343 00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:30,109 I don't want to be that girl, 344 00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:31,606 but maybe there would be less conflict 345 00:13:31,686 --> 00:13:33,154 if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time. 346 00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:34,321 Oh, Summer, you have no idea 347 00:13:34,397 --> 00:13:35,990 how much money that must save production. 348 00:13:36,065 --> 00:13:37,817 And then they found out I was attached, 349 00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:39,573 along for the ride, and they said, "ah, shit. 350 00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:41,450 Well, just fuck it, call him Pichael." 351 00:13:41,696 --> 00:13:43,869 Fuck you, Pichael. You're a fucking piece of shit. 352 00:13:46,951 --> 00:13:47,998 Good afternoon. 353 00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:49,704 I know all of you are wondering 354 00:13:49,787 --> 00:13:52,336 about the condition of our dear, beloved Pibbles. 355 00:13:52,415 --> 00:13:55,919 Which would you prefer between the XP-20 and the XP-20 XS? 356 00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:58,425 I prefer my own penis, and so should you! 357 00:13:58,504 --> 00:14:00,882 The brave Earth man whose sacrifice 358 00:14:00,965 --> 00:14:03,718 is going to allow Shrimply Pibbles to live -- 359 00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:04,848 Mr. Jerry Smith. 360 00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:07,855 Hello, everyone! 361 00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:10,183 Let's hear it again for Shrimply Pibbles, huh? 362 00:14:10,266 --> 00:14:11,939 He's a good guy, isn't he? 363 00:14:12,018 --> 00:14:15,067 I've only just been learning about his accomplishments, 364 00:14:15,146 --> 00:14:17,274 from his march on Flirk Blirk Square 365 00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:20,076 to his ongoing battle with heroin dependency. 366 00:14:20,151 --> 00:14:21,073 He's the best. 367 00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:26,366 Um, yeah. 368 00:14:26,449 --> 00:14:29,248 Well, i-it occurs to me that his heroin addiction 369 00:14:29,327 --> 00:14:31,921 may not have been a matter of public record. 370 00:14:31,996 --> 00:14:35,250 You realize heroin makes up 10% of the atmosphere 371 00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:37,882 on Shrimply Pibbles' home planet. 372 00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:40,213 His planet was destroyed by Clorgon death squads. 373 00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:42,924 He can't live outside of it without breathing heroin. 374 00:14:43,007 --> 00:14:45,385 Right. I know that. I just think... 375 00:14:45,468 --> 00:14:49,189 This guy's trying to get out of giving away his penis! 376 00:14:54,185 --> 00:14:55,528 Today on "How They Do It"... 377 00:14:55,770 --> 00:14:57,192 Plumbuses. 378 00:14:57,271 --> 00:14:59,490 Everyone has a plumbus in their home. 379 00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:03,320 First, they take the dinglebop, 380 00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:07,124 and they smooth it out with a bunch of schleem. 381 00:15:07,198 --> 00:15:11,954 The schleem is then repurposed for later batches. 382 00:15:12,036 --> 00:15:13,162 They take the dinglebop, 383 00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:15,169 and they push it through the grumbo, 384 00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:17,250 where the fleeb is rubbed against it. 385 00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:19,335 It's important that the fleeb is rubbed 386 00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:22,514 because the fleeb has all of the fleeb juice. 387 00:15:22,588 --> 00:15:24,966 Then a schlami shows up, 388 00:15:25,049 --> 00:15:27,677 and he rubs it and spits on it. 389 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,228 They cut the fleeb. 390 00:15:29,303 --> 00:15:31,931 There's several hizards in the way. 391 00:15:32,014 --> 00:15:35,018 The blamfs rub against the chumbles. 392 00:15:35,101 --> 00:15:38,526 And the ploobis and grumbo are shaved away. 393 00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:42,279 That leaves you with a regular, old plumbus. 394 00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:45,362 I always wondered how, uh, plumbuses got made. 395 00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:49,120 Hey, welcome back to "Personal Space." 396 00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:50,996 I'm your host Phillip Jacobs, 397 00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:54,329 and let me tell you, I care about my persona! space. 398 00:15:54,412 --> 00:15:57,291 Whoa, whoa. Hey. Who's around me right now? 399 00:15:57,373 --> 00:15:59,250 Who's around me? 400 00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:02,462 Now, why don't we step up here and everybody get stepped up 401 00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:05,594 and let's get some stepped-up personal space 402 00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:07,012 up in this place. 403 00:16:07,091 --> 00:16:08,138 Here we go. 404 00:16:08,217 --> 00:16:10,390 We get a one, personal space. 405 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,188 Two, personal space. 406 00:16:12,263 --> 00:16:14,311 Three, stay out of my persona! space. 407 00:16:14,390 --> 00:16:17,064 Four, keep away from my personal space. 408 00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:19,896 Five... get out of that personal space. 409 00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:21,322 Six... 410 00:16:21,397 --> 00:16:22,990 Stay away from my personal space. 411 00:16:23,065 --> 00:16:24,408 Seven... 412 00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:25,827 keep away from that personal space. 413 00:16:25,902 --> 00:16:28,451 Eight, persona! space. 414 00:16:28,529 --> 00:16:31,123 Nine, persona! space. 415 00:16:31,199 --> 00:16:34,203 You know, I take personal space pretty seriously, 416 00:16:34,285 --> 00:16:37,209 up to the point that' I don 't even care about this -- 417 00:16:37,288 --> 00:16:39,211 I'm not even interested in having this' skin 418 00:16:39,290 --> 00:16:41,588 on my personal space. 419 00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:43,757 Oh, my god! 420 00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:47,431 Oh, it hurts! 421 00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:48,633 Gross! 422 00:16:48,883 --> 00:16:50,226 What an asshole! 423 00:16:50,301 --> 00:16:51,518 Ohh, tune in next week... 424 00:16:52,678 --> 00:16:54,271 ...to the best show ever, 425 00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:56,065 the show we all grew and love -- 426 00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:58,188 "The Personal Space Show." 427 00:16:58,267 --> 00:17:00,190 More "Personal Space" next Tuesday at 8:00. 428 00:17:00,269 --> 00:17:01,771 Up next, the heat is turning up 429 00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:04,357 with Samantha and the Boys on "The Northsiders." 430 00:17:23,251 --> 00:17:25,800 If you could all just stop screaming and chanting 431 00:17:25,878 --> 00:17:28,381 and making whatever that gesture means -- 432 00:17:28,464 --> 00:17:30,182 Excuse me. Come on. 433 00:17:30,258 --> 00:17:32,681 Please, everyone, I have news about Shrimply Pibbles. 434 00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:35,013 Word of Jerry Smith 435 00:17:35,096 --> 00:17:37,019 trying to weasel out of his penis donation 436 00:17:37,098 --> 00:17:39,226 has spread across the galaxy. 437 00:17:39,308 --> 00:17:41,686 Beings everywhere have come together 438 00:17:41,936 --> 00:17:45,110 to offer what little they have to help save Shrimply's life. 439 00:17:45,189 --> 00:17:49,160 Enough to pay for a brand-new, state-of-the-art synthetic heart 440 00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:52,705 that will be even better than Mr. Smith's pathetic penis. 441 00:17:52,947 --> 00:17:55,245 Wait! That was an option the whole time?! 442 00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:56,746 You guys suck! 443 00:17:56,993 --> 00:17:59,712 Yeah. We suck. Are you still here? 444 00:17:59,954 --> 00:18:01,456 Okay, Jerry. Let's head home. 445 00:18:01,539 --> 00:18:03,507 I can't leave now. Everyone hates me. 446 00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:05,677 Unfortunately, there's no surgical procedure 447 00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:08,379 that can fix that. 448 00:18:08,462 --> 00:18:10,840 Or is there? 449 00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:13,768 - Scalpel. - Scalpel. 450 00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:15,603 - Nano-Doctor. - Nano-Doctor. 451 00:18:15,678 --> 00:18:18,272 - Nano-Scalpel. - Nano-Scalpel. 452 00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:19,724 Okay. We're ready. 453 00:18:19,974 --> 00:18:21,317 Not so fast! 454 00:18:21,392 --> 00:18:23,360 Mr. Smith? What are you doing? Are you insane?! 455 00:18:23,436 --> 00:18:24,653 I'm a good person, 456 00:18:24,729 --> 00:18:27,528 and I demand that you cut off my penis 457 00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:30,030 and put it in that man's chest. 458 00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:31,235 That's not how it works! 459 00:18:31,319 --> 00:18:33,071 Well, you're gonna make it work. 460 00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:41,378 I'm Octopus Man! 461 00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:44,754 I'm Octopus Man! 462 00:18:44,832 --> 00:18:49,508 I'm a marine biologist who was bitten by an octopus. 463 00:18:52,381 --> 00:18:54,304 And now I'm -- I help people. 464 00:18:54,383 --> 00:18:56,306 I save people. 465 00:18:56,385 --> 00:18:59,138 I'm a troublesome octopus person. 466 00:18:59,221 --> 00:19:01,474 Uh-Oh. I gotta save some trouble 467 00:19:01,557 --> 00:19:05,027 'cause here comes a trouble mite. 468 00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:06,775 Gross! 469 00:19:07,021 --> 00:19:10,195 Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence? 470 00:19:10,274 --> 00:19:11,992 Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't 471 00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:14,696 concerned with your delicate sensibilities, you know? 472 00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:16,531 Maybe the species that communicate with each other 473 00:19:16,614 --> 00:19:18,332 through the filter of your comfort 474 00:19:18,407 --> 00:19:20,330 are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! 475 00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:22,161 Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, 476 00:19:22,244 --> 00:19:23,837 and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings 477 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:25,332 is a one-way ticket to extinction! 478 00:19:25,414 --> 00:19:26,791 Geez, Morty. 479 00:19:27,041 --> 00:19:29,214 I take it Cathrine Hefflefinger hasn't texted you back yet. 480 00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:30,795 I don't want to talk about it. 481 00:19:30,878 --> 00:19:32,551 - Okay, guys, let's go home. - Where's Dad? 482 00:19:32,630 --> 00:19:34,632 Breaking news-- Shrimply Pibbles is being 483 00:19:34,715 --> 00:19:37,138 held hostage by the human known as Jerry Smith. 484 00:19:37,218 --> 00:19:38,936 Remove my penis! 485 00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:40,934 - Holy crap! - It's cool. It's fine. 486 00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:42,936 It's gotta be from an alternate reality, right? 487 00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:45,689 - Are you sure? - I don't know. 488 00:19:45,768 --> 00:19:48,317 Do it! Do it! Remove my penis! 489 00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:49,943 Sir, put the gun down 490 00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:51,695 and step away from Mr. Pibbles! 491 00:19:51,774 --> 00:19:53,526 - Jerry! - Dad, what are you doing?! 492 00:19:53,609 --> 00:19:55,703 I'm a good person. I'm a good person. 493 00:19:55,778 --> 00:19:57,701 Where did he get a gun? Who gave him a gun? 494 00:19:57,780 --> 00:20:00,203 That's not a gun. That's the XP-20 XS. 495 00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:02,501 Ah! 496 00:20:06,789 --> 00:20:07,961 Oh, my god. 497 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:09,792 I'm a good person. 498 00:20:16,507 --> 00:20:17,759 No! 499 00:20:17,842 --> 00:20:20,971 Nooooo! 500 00:20:27,184 --> 00:20:28,481 Hey, how's it going? 501 00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:30,404 This is my butthole ice cream parlor. 502 00:20:30,479 --> 00:20:32,902 I got all kinds of ice cream -- Peanut butter and jelly... 503 00:20:33,149 --> 00:20:34,446 - ...vanilla... 504 00:20:34,525 --> 00:20:35,777 - ...chocolate... 505 00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:37,533 - ...and every flavor 506 00:20:37,611 --> 00:20:38,863 served out of a butthole... 507 00:20:38,946 --> 00:20:40,744 Just like you're back home. 508 00:20:40,823 --> 00:20:41,824 - Dad! - Dad! 509 00:20:41,907 --> 00:20:44,001 What happened? Where am I? 510 00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:45,578 Was it all a dream? 511 00:20:45,661 --> 00:20:47,459 No, you were shot like 50 times. 512 00:20:47,538 --> 00:20:50,007 57. Thankfully, you're in a super-sophisticated 513 00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:51,584 alien hospital, 514 00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:53,715 so it was basically like getting a splinter removed. 515 00:20:53,794 --> 00:20:55,888 All -- All I wanted was for everyone to like me. 516 00:20:56,130 --> 00:20:57,632 Jerry, remember that time you left a comment 517 00:20:57,715 --> 00:20:59,592 underneath that YouTube video and someone replied 518 00:20:59,675 --> 00:21:01,643 and called you a dumbass, so you replied and told them, 519 00:21:01,719 --> 00:21:03,721 "it takes one to know one," and you stayed up all night 520 00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:05,431 hitting "refresh" on your browser 521 00:21:05,514 --> 00:21:07,141 waiting for them to reply and then you fell asleep crying? 522 00:21:07,224 --> 00:21:09,022 I remember it differently. 523 00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:11,570 This is like that. You can't make people like you. 524 00:21:11,645 --> 00:21:13,864 You just have to wait for hating you to bore them. 525 00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:15,065 You know, you're right. 526 00:21:15,149 --> 00:21:16,571 I shouldn't be motivated 527 00:21:16,650 --> 00:21:18,448 by other people's opinions of me. 528 00:21:18,527 --> 00:21:19,744 All right, guys, let's go home. 529 00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:21,117 If it's all the same to you, Rick, 530 00:21:21,197 --> 00:21:22,665 I'd like to go to the zoo... 531 00:21:22,740 --> 00:21:24,333 - With my family. - What?! 532 00:21:24,408 --> 00:21:26,160 - What are you talking about?! - Why would we do that?! 533 00:21:26,243 --> 00:21:27,495 - It's a stupid idea! What's the matter with you!? 534 00:21:27,578 --> 00:21:29,171 Don't be a piece of shit, Jerry! 535 00:21:29,246 --> 00:21:30,498 Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We'll go home. 536 00:21:30,581 --> 00:21:31,707 What the hell is he talking about?! 537 00:22:10,788 --> 00:22:12,665 - Aah! - I'm the Eyehole Man! 538 00:22:12,748 --> 00:22:14,500 What is going on? Aah! 539 00:22:14,583 --> 00:22:16,961 Give me my Eyeholes! I'm Eyehole Man! 540 00:22:17,044 --> 00:22:18,637 That part of the cupboard is mine, Jerry! 541 00:22:18,712 --> 00:22:20,214 Why do you even have those?! 542 00:22:20,297 --> 00:22:21,549 - Give me my Eyeholes! - Help me, please! 543 00:22:21,632 --> 00:22:23,100 Get up on out of here with my Eyeholes! 544 00:22:24,718 --> 00:22:26,095 Did you get any of that? 545 00:22:26,178 --> 00:22:28,180 It's-a good-a show! 546 00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:39,000 Ripped By mstoll