1
00:00:02,469 --> 00:00:04,096
MINDY: Danny! Listen
to my great idea.
2
00:00:04,471 --> 00:00:09,101
We should name the baby after
a classic movie character,
like Indiana or WALL-E.
3
00:00:09,743 --> 00:00:10,903
I told you, I want
a name from history.
4
00:00:11,444 --> 00:00:13,844
Yeah, I suggested
O.J. And you thought
it was too edgy.
5
00:00:14,214 --> 00:00:16,546
Although, to be safe,
we probably should pick
something gender-neutral,
6
00:00:16,783 --> 00:00:18,114
you know, in case he's trans.
7
00:00:18,451 --> 00:00:19,543
He's not gonna be trans.
8
00:00:20,086 --> 00:00:21,485
Well, that's up to herm.
9
00:00:21,654 --> 00:00:23,417
"Herm"? I don't think so.
10
00:00:23,790 --> 00:00:24,814
Danny?
Hmm?
11
00:00:25,158 --> 00:00:26,318
Put your book down.
I'm horny.
12
00:00:26,459 --> 00:00:29,690
Uh, okay, babe,
maybe, maybe not tonight.
13
00:00:30,063 --> 00:00:31,894
Come here. Come here.
Okay. Okay.
14
00:00:33,633 --> 00:00:34,657
I just want
a little Sweet D.
15
00:00:35,735 --> 00:00:39,466
It's just, I don't want
my special guy so close
to my special guy.
16
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,098
I mean he might hear us.
17
00:00:41,374 --> 00:00:43,934
You don't want to have
sex because of the baby?
18
00:00:44,010 --> 00:00:46,979
Danny, this is my baby.
He loves sex sounds.
19
00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:50,778
How would you like it if you
were minding your own business
and a big penis just came
20
00:00:50,850 --> 00:00:52,112
and hit you
right in the face?
21
00:00:52,352 --> 00:00:53,910
Yeah, that's my life
you're describing.
22
00:00:54,220 --> 00:00:55,778
Sweetheart? Look
at this ring.
23
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:59,685
This is our solemn oath to be
with each other for the rest
of our lives. Is it not?
24
00:00:59,826 --> 00:01:00,815
It is. Yes.
25
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,052
Okay, you bought the cow,
now get the milk for free.
26
00:01:03,596 --> 00:01:06,292
(SIGHS) Babe, I'm sorry.
I just, a son should only
27
00:01:06,366 --> 00:01:08,459
see his father's thing when
they stop on a hike to pee.
28
00:01:09,102 --> 00:01:11,536
You know what, you prude,
I don't even need you.
Read your book.
29
00:01:11,871 --> 00:01:13,736
I will just draw
my own erotica.
30
00:01:17,844 --> 00:01:18,833
(CLEARS THROAT)
31
00:01:19,112 --> 00:01:20,579
(MOANING)
32
00:01:21,047 --> 00:01:22,173
This is some
real good stuff.
33
00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:24,546
You're just drawing
the number 69.
34
00:01:25,018 --> 00:01:26,178
Yeah. Ooh-la-la.
35
00:01:26,419 --> 00:01:27,613
Oh, whoa.
Mmm-hmm.
36
00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:29,551
You keep it going. Sixty-nine.
37
00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:31,815
Please!
What?
38
00:01:31,891 --> 00:01:33,620
Please!
Stop! No!
39
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,785
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
40
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:41,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
41
00:01:49,242 --> 00:01:51,039
JEREMY: Oh-ho!
Good news, everybody!
42
00:01:51,177 --> 00:01:53,873
I am taking the entire staff
out to dinner tomorrow night
43
00:01:54,013 --> 00:01:55,640
with Whitney,
the girl I am dating.
44
00:01:56,182 --> 00:01:57,240
Uh, it's actually the restaurant
45
00:01:57,317 --> 00:01:58,409
where the guy breaks up with his
46
00:01:58,485 --> 00:01:59,816
phone plan
in the Verizon
commercial.
47
00:01:59,886 --> 00:02:01,547
No big deal.
(SNIFFS)
48
00:02:01,621 --> 00:02:03,714
Mmm, sorry. I'm taking a
night school class.
49
00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:05,951
It's called,
"Making Excuses at Work."
50
00:02:06,025 --> 00:02:09,188
Bev! I was counting
on you. Come on, guys.
51
00:02:09,262 --> 00:02:11,856
Don't make Whitney
think I'm a weird loser
with no friends.
52
00:02:12,232 --> 00:02:13,221
Adrian?
53
00:02:13,399 --> 00:02:15,594
No, sorry. I gotta, I gotta
give the dog
his shots
54
00:02:15,668 --> 00:02:17,295
while my wife's
on a date.
55
00:02:17,370 --> 00:02:18,962
At least she's letting
me in the house!
56
00:02:19,038 --> 00:02:22,303
(SIGHS) Well, Mindy,
Morgan. You love free slop.
57
00:02:23,243 --> 00:02:27,339
Look, Jeremy. I, for one,
would love to want
to go to that.
58
00:02:27,413 --> 00:02:30,678
But my fertility clinic
has a booth at the
Manhattan Fertility Expo.
59
00:02:31,184 --> 00:02:33,709
Yeah, we started a pretty
innovative new program.
60
00:02:33,786 --> 00:02:35,879
It's to convince girls
in their 20s to want
to freeze their eggs.
61
00:02:36,456 --> 00:02:39,323
It's called "Later, Baby!"
And it was my idea!
62
00:02:39,392 --> 00:02:40,757
I'm a business partner.
63
00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:43,159
Frisbee! Sorry.
64
00:02:43,263 --> 00:02:46,494
Really? No takers for
a free dinner? Unbelievable.
65
00:02:46,566 --> 00:02:48,534
You lot would turn down
a free car if it was from me.
66
00:02:48,868 --> 00:02:50,495
Wait, who's giving
away a free car?
67
00:02:51,804 --> 00:02:53,203
Oh. I'm good.
68
00:02:53,473 --> 00:02:54,633
I... I mean... (STAMMERING)
69
00:02:55,208 --> 00:02:59,110
Tamra? Hey, we were wondering
if we could run our spiel
70
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:00,646
for the Fertility Expo by you?
71
00:03:00,747 --> 00:03:02,112
'Cause you're young and
millennial, right?
72
00:03:03,783 --> 00:03:04,772
(CELL PHONE CHIMING)
73
00:03:04,984 --> 00:03:06,008
Perfect.
74
00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:07,916
Do you know there's no better
time to freeze your eggs
75
00:03:07,987 --> 00:03:09,147
than when you're in your 20s?
76
00:03:09,222 --> 00:03:12,885
Mmm-hmm. And it's a great
way to make sure that your
reproductive health is
77
00:03:12,959 --> 00:03:13,948
"on fleek."
78
00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:16,492
And that is..."Cool."
79
00:03:17,564 --> 00:03:20,499
Freezing your eggs? I heard
that stuff's unnatural.
80
00:03:20,667 --> 00:03:22,965
At least that's what
the midwives from upstairs
said in their ad.
81
00:03:23,269 --> 00:03:24,258
The midwives?
82
00:03:24,404 --> 00:03:25,894
Yeah, look.
Okay.
83
00:03:27,507 --> 00:03:31,500
BRENDAN: (ON LAPTOP)
Pollution. Drought.
Peanut sensitivity.
84
00:03:31,945 --> 00:03:33,708
The modern world
is ruining our lives.
85
00:03:35,114 --> 00:03:37,605
And now, from birthing drugs
to egg freezing,
86
00:03:37,951 --> 00:03:40,943
Big Fertility wants to change
the way we make new life.
87
00:03:41,020 --> 00:03:43,989
But there is another way,
a more natural way.
88
00:03:44,324 --> 00:03:47,259
At Downtown Women's
Holistic Health Center,
my brother Duncan and I...
89
00:03:47,327 --> 00:03:48,316
Hi!
90
00:03:48,394 --> 00:03:50,885
...are returning to
traditions where birth
was a tribal ritual,
91
00:03:50,964 --> 00:03:55,094
spiritual, erotic even,
not a sterile
medical procedure.
92
00:03:55,535 --> 00:03:57,935
Brendan has the charisma
of a young Paul Newman.
We call it Paleo Birth.
93
00:03:58,071 --> 00:03:59,060
That's enough.
Natural,
94
00:03:59,138 --> 00:04:02,835
drug-free birthing techniques
for every kind of family.
95
00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:06,037
From same-sex couples to
inter-species triples?
96
00:04:06,446 --> 00:04:07,777
Let's hear from Brooke Burke.
97
00:04:08,381 --> 00:04:10,679
Thanks to Paleo Birth,
I didn't go into labor
98
00:04:10,750 --> 00:04:12,945
surrounded by masked doctors.
99
00:04:13,019 --> 00:04:16,978
Masks? Really, doctors?
What are you hiding?
100
00:04:17,056 --> 00:04:19,581
You know who else
wears masks? Bank robbers.
101
00:04:19,659 --> 00:04:20,648
And ISIS.
102
00:04:21,127 --> 00:04:23,425
I gave birth right here
in my Brentwood garden.
103
00:04:23,896 --> 00:04:26,421
And my child's first sight
wasn't a hospital gown.
104
00:04:26,766 --> 00:04:30,862
It was a butterfly and then
the sprinklers came on
and we had to move.
105
00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:34,463
Paleo Birth,
Stone Age health care
106
00:04:34,841 --> 00:04:37,173
is finally here.
Bye-bye.
107
00:04:38,077 --> 00:04:40,671
MINDY: Natural birth?
Easy for you to say,
Brooke Burke!
108
00:04:40,747 --> 00:04:42,214
With a birthing canal
that straight,
109
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:44,341
basically having a baby
is like taking a big fart.
110
00:04:44,417 --> 00:04:47,215
All right. Yeah. Sure.
That movie was beautiful
and well-made,
111
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:49,585
but at the end
of the day, what are you
gonna remember more,
112
00:04:49,656 --> 00:04:54,958
a great movie, or
a good old Frisbee
made in the US of...
113
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,891
Chernobyl?
Okay, just...
114
00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:59,557
Y'all mad. That video was
hella compelling.
115
00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:01,523
And everyone
knows Brooke Burke
doesn't get out of bed
116
00:05:01,601 --> 00:05:03,125
for less than
$10,000.
117
00:05:03,836 --> 00:05:06,134
Okay. It wasn't
compelling and
everyone hated it.
118
00:05:06,205 --> 00:05:09,504
And let me tell you
something, I will never
have a natural birth. Okay?
119
00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:12,042
I'm going to be so drugged
out for my C-section,
that when I wake up,
120
00:05:12,111 --> 00:05:13,772
Donald Trump will have
started his second term.
121
00:05:14,013 --> 00:05:15,002
(DANNY CLEARING THROAT)
122
00:05:18,217 --> 00:05:19,206
Morning, Danny.
123
00:05:19,519 --> 00:05:21,316
C-section? Drugged up?
124
00:05:21,421 --> 00:05:23,582
Have we not gone
over my birthing plan?
125
00:05:24,524 --> 00:05:26,253
DANNY: What the hell?
You want to have
the baby here?
126
00:05:26,726 --> 00:05:30,628
Sir, this is the most
luxurious birthing
suite in Manhattan.
127
00:05:30,863 --> 00:05:34,094
We've hosted everyone
from Bethenny Frankel
to Miss Tina Fey.
128
00:05:34,534 --> 00:05:36,798
(SIGHS) It's everything
I've ever creamed of.
129
00:05:36,869 --> 00:05:38,928
Come on, this place is
bigger than my apartment.
130
00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:40,029
It's nicer, too.
131
00:05:40,106 --> 00:05:44,475
Danny, look at this place.
There's a massage chair,
there's satellite radio.
132
00:05:44,544 --> 00:05:46,808
They put spa water
in the IV for you.
133
00:05:46,913 --> 00:05:50,815
Sir, I understand you're
nervous, but don't worry,
this suite has a dad cave
134
00:05:51,250 --> 00:05:53,013
with a tequila list
curated by Pitbull.
135
00:05:53,753 --> 00:05:54,742
Very smart breed.
136
00:05:54,921 --> 00:05:55,945
I don't care
about any of that.
137
00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:58,286
Mindy, don't you think
you should check out
the delivery room?
138
00:05:58,491 --> 00:06:01,085
Oh, don't worry
about that, Dr. Lahiri.
You'll never remember it.
139
00:06:01,594 --> 00:06:03,926
You've opted for
the five-day C-section
knockout package.
140
00:06:04,397 --> 00:06:05,386
You have?
Mmm-hmm.
141
00:06:05,498 --> 00:06:07,966
Are you serious?
You want to be high
on goofy gas for the most
142
00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:09,433
beautiful moment
of your life?
143
00:06:09,569 --> 00:06:11,594
Okay, the most beautiful
moment of my life is when
144
00:06:11,671 --> 00:06:13,366
I got a selfie with
Gayle King on that flight.
145
00:06:13,573 --> 00:06:15,507
Second of all, Danny,
this is my delivery.
146
00:06:15,575 --> 00:06:16,735
Just let me
do what I want.
147
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,572
Well, you have
time to decide.
148
00:06:19,645 --> 00:06:21,943
Her baby removal
appointment isn't
until next Saturday.
149
00:06:22,181 --> 00:06:23,170
You mean "childbirth"?
150
00:06:23,249 --> 00:06:25,513
Okay, guys, look.
We need to figure
this out, okay?
151
00:06:25,585 --> 00:06:28,315
We need to be prepared
if the little guy wants
to come out on his own.
152
00:06:28,721 --> 00:06:30,552
Naturally.
Naturally?
153
00:06:30,656 --> 00:06:32,647
Naturally.
He can't come out early.
154
00:06:32,859 --> 00:06:35,384
Then he'd be
a Virgo, and Virgos
are honest and reliable.
155
00:06:35,495 --> 00:06:36,723
Okay. All right.
156
00:06:37,430 --> 00:06:39,625
Uh, Brad, this was
an amazing tour.
157
00:06:41,601 --> 00:06:42,659
That's for you.
For your troubles.
158
00:06:43,669 --> 00:06:44,897
Sir, this is a dollar.
159
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,464
Exactly, and I...
I need 50 cents back.
160
00:06:49,575 --> 00:06:50,599
BRENDAN: Hello, Daniel.
161
00:06:50,676 --> 00:06:53,236
I'm excited you finally
decided to see me
about your problem.
162
00:06:53,613 --> 00:06:54,875
Problem? What problem?
163
00:06:55,615 --> 00:06:59,107
Well, you were
molested by
your priest as a child.
164
00:06:59,285 --> 00:07:00,752
That's why your
personality turned
out this way.
165
00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:03,180
Why does everyone
assume I was molested?
166
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:05,224
Listen. The reason
I'm here is because
I saw your video,
167
00:07:05,324 --> 00:07:08,350
and I thought you might
be able to suggest some
168
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:11,420
non-medical ways
to induce childbirth.
169
00:07:11,497 --> 00:07:14,466
Mmm-hmm. I understand.
And remind me again
how you described
170
00:07:14,534 --> 00:07:15,694
my methods on
the local news.
171
00:07:15,802 --> 00:07:18,464
Was it "superstitious
hoodoo for dumb-dumbs"?
172
00:07:18,871 --> 00:07:21,135
Yeah. I stand by it.
But who knows?
173
00:07:21,207 --> 00:07:23,539
The Yankees always
won every time I sat
on Father Tony's lap.
174
00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:26,044
I mean,
anything's possible.
175
00:07:26,546 --> 00:07:28,013
Hmm. I think
I can help you.
176
00:07:29,081 --> 00:07:31,743
Chapter seven of my new
book, Paleo Birth,
177
00:07:31,851 --> 00:07:34,319
suggests natural ways
to induce childbirth.
178
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:36,812
That's great. Thank you.
179
00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:38,112
You're welcome.
180
00:07:38,224 --> 00:07:39,213
How much do I owe you?
181
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:40,953
You know what?
Just pay it forward.
182
00:07:41,027 --> 00:07:42,494
Initiate a conversation
on race,
183
00:07:42,562 --> 00:07:44,120
take in a homeless person
for a week,
184
00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:46,495
start a critical mass
bike ride for veganism.
185
00:07:46,666 --> 00:07:48,327
Okay. Great. Thank you.
186
00:07:53,239 --> 00:07:55,833
Whoa, a lot
of candles, babe.
187
00:07:55,908 --> 00:07:57,842
BRENDAN: Natural ways
to induce childbirth.
188
00:07:58,678 --> 00:08:00,509
Come over here.
Try this arrabbiata.
189
00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:04,772
You cooked? Cool.
Looks great.
190
00:08:05,084 --> 00:08:06,073
Here you go.
Okay.
191
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:07,141
BRENDAN: Spicy foods.
192
00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:11,312
Ow! Oh, my God.
That is very spicy.
193
00:08:12,091 --> 00:08:13,558
Sorry. Here.
Mmm.
194
00:08:13,826 --> 00:08:14,815
BRENDAN: Red wine.
195
00:08:14,894 --> 00:08:16,122
Alcohol?
Yeah.
196
00:08:16,596 --> 00:08:18,063
Tried to have a sip of
your beer last month,
197
00:08:18,130 --> 00:08:19,119
you called me
Casey Anthony.
198
00:08:19,465 --> 00:08:20,454
Not tonight.
199
00:08:20,633 --> 00:08:21,622
BRENDAN: Massage.
200
00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:23,561
Would you like a massage?
201
00:08:24,937 --> 00:08:25,995
Okay.
202
00:08:26,372 --> 00:08:27,600
(SIGHS)
203
00:08:29,108 --> 00:08:32,635
Oh! That's good.
Ah, babe.
204
00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:34,168
BRENDAN:
Nipple stimulation.
205
00:08:37,116 --> 00:08:39,812
Ow! Why'd you tweak my tit?
206
00:08:39,886 --> 00:08:41,251
I'm horny.
Let's just get to it.
207
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:42,818
You're horny?
Very.
208
00:08:43,122 --> 00:08:45,386
Oh, my God. Danny,
this is great news,
209
00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:47,016
'cause I've been
cheating on you
with the banister.
210
00:08:47,093 --> 00:08:48,151
Let's go.
211
00:08:48,227 --> 00:08:50,286
(MOANS)
BRENDAN:
Sexual intercourse.
212
00:08:50,630 --> 00:08:52,325
Ow! Ow! There's
something here.
213
00:08:52,431 --> 00:08:53,591
Don't worry about it.
214
00:08:55,601 --> 00:08:56,590
Paleo Birth?
215
00:08:56,669 --> 00:08:59,467
Nah, it's nothing.
Danny, why do
you have this?
216
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:01,632
Were you trying
to boink the
baby out of me?
217
00:09:04,176 --> 00:09:07,577
I cannot believe you.
You tried to trick my body
218
00:09:07,647 --> 00:09:09,672
into giving birth
before my C-section!
219
00:09:09,749 --> 00:09:10,773
Booze? Sex!
220
00:09:10,850 --> 00:09:12,715
Danny, you used
all my favorite
things against me.
221
00:09:12,785 --> 00:09:15,310
Look, Min, if you
have this baby safe
and naturally,
222
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:18,846
you'll be glad you did.
Your body knows how to
do this. It knows.
223
00:09:19,191 --> 00:09:22,126
My body is an idiot.
Have you ever seen me
try to climb a ladder?
224
00:09:22,194 --> 00:09:24,628
Danny, it's decided,
okay? I'm getting
a C-section.
225
00:09:24,964 --> 00:09:26,363
Do you know what
that "C" stands for?
226
00:09:26,532 --> 00:09:28,830
Yeah. Comfort.
Convenience. Coolness.
227
00:09:28,968 --> 00:09:31,937
No. "C" is for Coward.
(GASPS)
228
00:09:32,204 --> 00:09:34,729
C-sections are designed
for emergencies.
229
00:09:35,174 --> 00:09:38,575
Not for rich women
to schedule their births
between spin classes.
230
00:09:38,644 --> 00:09:41,078
How dare you?
You know I don't spin.
231
00:09:41,147 --> 00:09:45,277
Look, if, if you, if you
let it, birth can be a
beautiful experience.
232
00:09:45,351 --> 00:09:48,411
Excuse me? I am an
OB/GYN too, Danny.
233
00:09:48,487 --> 00:09:50,284
We both know
that childbirth is
a horror movie.
234
00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:53,415
Basically, your vagina
explodes a bloody,
screaming little alien.
235
00:09:53,492 --> 00:09:56,518
Yeah, well, that sounds
beautiful to me. Besides,
the pain of childbirth?
236
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:59,258
I mean, that's a rite
of passage for a woman.
237
00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:01,562
Why should only
women have to suffer
through pain, okay?
238
00:10:01,634 --> 00:10:03,795
Why don't you get one of
your cavities filled
without any novocaine?
239
00:10:03,869 --> 00:10:05,496
I don't get cavities,
okay? I got a
brushing ritual.
240
00:10:05,571 --> 00:10:06,629
Two minutes up-and-down,
241
00:10:06,706 --> 00:10:08,071
two minutes round-and-round
and I go through this...
242
00:10:08,140 --> 00:10:10,301
I can't listen to you
talk about how you brush
your teeth anymore.
243
00:10:10,409 --> 00:10:12,172
Why does it bother you
so much, okay?
244
00:10:12,244 --> 00:10:13,643
Why don't you just let
me sleep through it,
245
00:10:13,713 --> 00:10:15,044
like when you make
me watch Frontline?
246
00:10:15,114 --> 00:10:17,742
Okay, so you want to sleep
through your first big
challenge of being a mom?
247
00:10:17,817 --> 00:10:22,015
Fine. But there's going
to be nothing but more
challenges down the line,
248
00:10:22,088 --> 00:10:23,953
and you're not gonna
be able to sleep
through those.
249
00:10:30,863 --> 00:10:32,330
(SCREAMING)
(SHRIEKING)
250
00:10:32,965 --> 00:10:34,057
BRENDAN:
Startle the mother.
251
00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:35,122
Damn it, Danny!
252
00:10:35,768 --> 00:10:38,931
Whoo! Expo is here, Dr. L.
253
00:10:39,171 --> 00:10:42,470
I am nervous but excited.
What two things are you?
254
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:46,806
My two words,
betrayed and upset.
What?
255
00:10:46,879 --> 00:10:48,506
Do you want to know
what Danny tried
to do last night?
256
00:10:48,581 --> 00:10:51,573
Danny tried
to trick my body into
giving birth early.
257
00:10:52,284 --> 00:10:53,615
Okay, between me and you?
Yeah?
258
00:10:53,686 --> 00:10:55,085
I love Dr. C...
Mmm-hmm.
259
00:10:55,154 --> 00:10:56,849
He's always been
the Yoko of our relationship.
260
00:10:57,323 --> 00:10:58,984
Well, who am I?
The Beatles.
261
00:10:59,225 --> 00:11:00,692
Who are you?
Morgan.
262
00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:02,885
Not a music fan.
Listen, the point is this.
263
00:11:03,029 --> 00:11:05,862
You are a confident,
beautiful, ethnic
goddess. Okay?
264
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:08,857
You don't have to let
some man tell you what
to do with your body.
265
00:11:09,335 --> 00:11:10,324
Thank you.
266
00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:12,564
Uh, last time I checked
this was America
and we respect women here.
267
00:11:12,738 --> 00:11:14,137
Yeah. Roe v. Wade and stuff.
268
00:11:14,373 --> 00:11:16,864
Yeah. Roe v. Wade,
Dwyane Wade, all the Wades.
269
00:11:17,243 --> 00:11:18,369
Thank you, Morgan.
You're right.
270
00:11:19,245 --> 00:11:21,145
You know what?
I'm really excited
for the Expo.
271
00:11:21,580 --> 00:11:24,071
As long as this little
guy doesn't try to come
out before the C-section.
272
00:11:24,383 --> 00:11:26,248
Oh, let me handle that one.
273
00:11:26,318 --> 00:11:30,880
Hey! Oi! Sit! Sit! Stay.
274
00:11:30,956 --> 00:11:33,481
Okay.
Good boy.
You get a treat.
275
00:11:33,993 --> 00:11:35,824
Okay, how many times
have I told you?
276
00:11:35,895 --> 00:11:37,123
The only thing you're
allowed to kiss are my feet.
277
00:11:37,263 --> 00:11:38,252
You got it.
278
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,063
Well, this is going
to be great.
279
00:11:40,199 --> 00:11:41,188
Ah!
280
00:11:41,434 --> 00:11:42,423
Ow!
281
00:11:42,568 --> 00:11:44,001
What happened?
Did you say, "Ow"?
282
00:11:44,070 --> 00:11:45,537
Or did you start
to say "owl"?
283
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:46,967
(QUIETLY) 'Cause I can
get you an owl.
284
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:52,700
(KNOCKING)
285
00:11:52,812 --> 00:11:53,801
Hey, mate.
286
00:11:53,946 --> 00:11:56,312
Hey, what do you think
about Frank as a baby name?
287
00:11:56,849 --> 00:11:58,248
Oh, I have a brother
named Frank.
288
00:11:58,584 --> 00:11:59,573
You do?
289
00:11:59,919 --> 00:12:01,216
Yeah, he used to walk me
to the garden
290
00:12:01,587 --> 00:12:04,317
where he'd have the
others wait for me.
With their sticks.
291
00:12:04,990 --> 00:12:07,754
(SIGHS) I gotta stop
running these names by you.
292
00:12:07,827 --> 00:12:10,591
Okay. So, what's up?
293
00:12:11,497 --> 00:12:13,226
No, nothing.
Just seeing who's around.
294
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,329
I'm surprised you're not
at the Fertility Expo.
295
00:12:16,102 --> 00:12:19,196
Yeah, Mindy and I had
a difference of opinion.
I thought I'd stay here.
296
00:12:19,371 --> 00:12:20,895
A-ha! Busted!
297
00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:23,238
If you're not going
to the Expo,
then you have no choice
298
00:12:23,309 --> 00:12:24,970
but to come to dinner
with Whitney and me!
299
00:12:25,377 --> 00:12:28,210
Tonight? Tonight,
oh, you know what?
300
00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:30,680
I'm sorry, I
just remembered I...
Ma needs me to...
301
00:12:30,816 --> 00:12:31,976
No, no, no, no, no.
You're trapped, Danny,
302
00:12:32,051 --> 00:12:34,042
like a mouse
wriggling on glue paper.
303
00:12:34,787 --> 00:12:37,312
Now Whitney will see what
good friends I have. Ha!
304
00:12:42,728 --> 00:12:45,253
Hey, guys, um,
I appreciate that
you're coming with us,
305
00:12:45,397 --> 00:12:47,194
but do you think you could
let a pregnant lady sit?
306
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:51,033
Sorry, I can't.
My legs are tired
from being long and thin.
307
00:12:51,103 --> 00:12:53,936
How do you know I'm not
pregnant? I'm late!
308
00:12:54,373 --> 00:12:58,070
So then I will just continue
to stand even though I am
1,000 months pregnant.
309
00:12:58,144 --> 00:12:59,133
You guys are jerks.
310
00:12:59,712 --> 00:13:01,703
Oh, God. It's the Deloreas.
311
00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:05,576
Oh! Hey! Brendan!
Duncan! Come over here
and stand with us!
312
00:13:06,085 --> 00:13:07,518
What are you doing?
We hate them.
313
00:13:07,586 --> 00:13:08,575
Oh, right. I'm sorry.
314
00:13:08,654 --> 00:13:09,985
Hey, Morgan!
Hey, what's up?
315
00:13:10,055 --> 00:13:12,990
Oh! Hi, guys.
What a nice coincidence.
(LAUGHS)
316
00:13:13,392 --> 00:13:15,053
Mindy, congratulations.
When did you have the baby?
317
00:13:16,262 --> 00:13:18,924
Okay. That's hilarious.
What, are you
a comedian now?
318
00:13:19,265 --> 00:13:21,733
For your FYI, this baby
is getting delivered
319
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,769
on schedule in a ritzy
birthing suite
320
00:13:23,836 --> 00:13:26,634
that Saddam Hussein
called, quote, "a bit much."
321
00:13:26,705 --> 00:13:27,865
Oh! Oh!
322
00:13:28,941 --> 00:13:31,603
Are you okay?
Are you having
contractions?
323
00:13:32,178 --> 00:13:35,272
No. I was just remembering
a funny joke
that Morgan told me.
324
00:13:35,347 --> 00:13:37,838
Oh, was it the one
about the banana on
a date with silverware?
325
00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:40,512
You're very appealing,
wanna fork?
326
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:41,642
(LAUGHING)
327
00:13:42,054 --> 00:13:43,282
Why is the floor
all wet, Mindy?
328
00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:45,548
Oh, God.
329
00:13:45,958 --> 00:13:49,086
'Cause she's laughing
so hard at my joke,
she peed herself, obviously.
330
00:13:49,328 --> 00:13:53,526
Yeah. Why is it so hard
to believe that Morgan
is hilarious? All right?
331
00:13:53,599 --> 00:13:55,362
He should be
hosting The Daily Show.
Yes!
332
00:13:55,801 --> 00:13:58,065
Mindy, your water just broke.
333
00:13:58,704 --> 00:14:00,467
(PANTING)
334
00:14:03,475 --> 00:14:07,343
Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no, no.
This cannot be happening
right now. I had a plan.
335
00:14:07,713 --> 00:14:10,807
Yeah, me too! God,
I was supposed to be
at the Expo right now,
336
00:14:10,883 --> 00:14:12,544
networking with other
business Morgans!
337
00:14:12,952 --> 00:14:14,385
Uh, I'm starting to feel
a little bad that I ever
338
00:14:14,453 --> 00:14:15,886
messed with
your birth control
in the first place.
339
00:14:16,155 --> 00:14:17,144
What?
340
00:14:17,223 --> 00:14:18,315
Well, I still ain't movin'!
341
00:14:19,258 --> 00:14:21,749
Oh! Whoa!
(BRAKES SCREECH)
342
00:14:21,827 --> 00:14:24,159
CONDUCTOR: Sorry, folks.
We have a slight delay.
343
00:14:24,230 --> 00:14:26,721
Apparently a man has
fallen onto the tracks
344
00:14:26,799 --> 00:14:29,165
while filming a viral video
of some kind.
345
00:14:29,568 --> 00:14:32,036
Well, just run him over,
for God's sakes!
346
00:14:32,104 --> 00:14:36,438
We will update you on the
premise of the viral video
when we have more information.
347
00:14:36,508 --> 00:14:38,066
Thank you for riding the MTA.
348
00:14:38,177 --> 00:14:39,166
Oh!
It's going to be
a song parody.
349
00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:43,481
Okay. Mindy, you're
going to have this baby
right now on this subway.
350
00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:45,312
(PEOPLE GASPING)
Oh, my God.
351
00:14:45,384 --> 00:14:46,646
A subway baby?
352
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:48,050
You're gonna be
on The Ellen Show.
353
00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:50,912
Sheena was in the
audience once and she got
some Omaha steaks
354
00:14:50,990 --> 00:14:51,979
and a pair of TOMS.
355
00:14:52,157 --> 00:14:53,818
No, no, no, no.
Thanks. Thank you.
Up. Up. Get up. Now.
356
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,155
I won't be needing
your help.
You have to move.
357
00:14:55,261 --> 00:14:57,957
I'm just gonna keep my legs
closed and wait til we get to
the Javits Center.
358
00:14:58,030 --> 00:14:59,258
Thanks.
Shh, come on.
359
00:14:59,331 --> 00:15:01,299
Everyone, stay calm.
She's in good hands.
360
00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:04,769
Although my techniques
were designed for younger
and more athletic women,
361
00:15:04,837 --> 00:15:07,169
this one is going
to have her baby
the Paleo way.
362
00:15:07,373 --> 00:15:08,362
You can do it, Mindy!
363
00:15:08,507 --> 00:15:09,496
Shh! We don't know that yet.
364
00:15:12,144 --> 00:15:13,133
Hey.
365
00:15:13,412 --> 00:15:14,879
Danny! Thank God
you're here.
366
00:15:15,214 --> 00:15:18,342
Okay, if there are people
you don't recognize
at the dinner table,
367
00:15:18,417 --> 00:15:20,908
I've hired some
improv actors to play
my other friends.
368
00:15:20,986 --> 00:15:24,080
One of them,
I have no idea why,
is doing a surfer dude.
369
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:25,948
Okay.
370
00:15:27,693 --> 00:15:30,093
Danny, hello?
What's wrong?
What's happening?
371
00:15:30,162 --> 00:15:31,789
What's the matter?
Have I a booger?
372
00:15:32,364 --> 00:15:33,922
No, you're fine.
You sure?
373
00:15:33,999 --> 00:15:36,695
Yeah. I just got this
crazy woman pregnant.
And now she wants
374
00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:39,465
to check out
for the most important
moment in her life.
375
00:15:39,905 --> 00:15:43,136
Well, maybe it's
because she's terrified.
376
00:15:43,208 --> 00:15:46,143
Terrified? Of what?
A little pain?
377
00:15:46,211 --> 00:15:48,270
No, that's not Mindy.
I mean, just last week
378
00:15:48,347 --> 00:15:50,645
she spent the whole
day with a dart
in her shoulder.
379
00:15:50,716 --> 00:15:53,116
Danny, whenever Mindy
gets scared of doing
something hard,
380
00:15:53,218 --> 00:15:55,209
she always tries
to pretend like
it's not happening.
381
00:15:55,287 --> 00:15:57,414
Like that time
she stole all that Oxy
because she was afraid
382
00:15:57,489 --> 00:16:00,117
to get a Brazilian.
She's scared, Danny.
383
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:04,923
Yeah. I mean, she hasn't
been to the dentist
in, like, 10 years.
384
00:16:04,997 --> 00:16:08,296
The other day we were
kissing and a tooth came
right out. I swallowed it.
385
00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:10,692
That's the worst thing
I've ever heard.
386
00:16:10,769 --> 00:16:12,236
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(CELL PHONE BUZZING)
387
00:16:12,571 --> 00:16:13,902
What's up? Who's that?
388
00:16:14,039 --> 00:16:17,008
(MORGAN READING)
389
00:16:17,309 --> 00:16:19,140
What's wrong?
(DANNY READING)
390
00:16:19,611 --> 00:16:21,306
You, you better,
no, no, no, no!
You better not be leaving.
391
00:16:21,380 --> 00:16:22,369
(CELL PHONE BUZZING)
392
00:16:22,448 --> 00:16:24,814
(MORGAN READING)
393
00:16:26,919 --> 00:16:28,318
What?
What? What?
394
00:16:28,687 --> 00:16:30,882
(DANNY READING)
395
00:16:31,290 --> 00:16:32,655
We... I mean, we'd
better go in...
396
00:16:32,725 --> 00:16:34,590
I gotta... I gotta, uh,
the baby's coming.
He's coming.
397
00:16:35,027 --> 00:16:36,585
The baby's coming!
Danny!
398
00:16:36,662 --> 00:16:37,788
He's coming!
My friend!
399
00:16:38,564 --> 00:16:39,656
What's up, brah?
400
00:16:40,499 --> 00:16:41,796
When we digging
into some grub?
401
00:16:42,267 --> 00:16:43,256
(SIGHS)
402
00:16:43,469 --> 00:16:44,458
You look amazing.
403
00:16:45,037 --> 00:16:47,062
Okay, your contractions
are eight minutes apart.
Okay, okay.
404
00:16:47,139 --> 00:16:49,164
I'm with you. I'm going
to stay with you, okay?
Okay. Thank you.
405
00:16:49,241 --> 00:16:52,267
Step out of the way!
Listen to me,
you little son of a bitch!
406
00:16:52,344 --> 00:16:55,211
You're ruining my Expo,
you're ruining my
best friend's body,
407
00:16:55,347 --> 00:16:56,371
and you are going
to stay in there...
408
00:16:56,448 --> 00:16:58,177
Oh, my God!
...until your daddy shows up.
409
00:16:58,283 --> 00:16:59,648
Get your head
out of my crotch!
Okay, all right!
410
00:16:59,718 --> 00:17:01,583
Why would you think
that was okay?
I was trying something new.
411
00:17:01,653 --> 00:17:02,677
Sit down!
412
00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:05,280
It's okay. Now, Mindy,
do you have a favorite
mantra you'd like to recite?
413
00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:07,882
I do have a mantra!
It's, "Save my money
and spend his!"
414
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,484
"Save my money
and spend his!"
415
00:17:09,561 --> 00:17:10,755
"Save my money
and spend his!"
416
00:17:10,829 --> 00:17:12,956
It's not working!
Hmm, less corporate,
more spiritual.
417
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:16,024
Oh, God! I just want
my birthing suite
and my playlist.
418
00:17:16,101 --> 00:17:17,762
I, I can play you something.
419
00:17:18,170 --> 00:17:19,660
Oh, my God. You can?
420
00:17:19,738 --> 00:17:22,332
Sure.
Duncan, do you know,
Drunk in Love?
421
00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:24,566
No.
Okay, uh, Irreplaceable?
422
00:17:24,643 --> 00:17:27,203
Naughty Girl?
Bonnie & Clyde '02?
423
00:17:27,312 --> 00:17:28,574
Literally, anything Beyoncé?
424
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:32,142
Oh, if you like Beyoncé,
you're going to love this.
425
00:17:32,217 --> 00:17:33,514
(SIGHS) Okay.
426
00:17:34,086 --> 00:17:37,419
(SINGING) I've been
workin' on the railroad
427
00:17:37,489 --> 00:17:39,957
All the live-long day!
428
00:17:40,025 --> 00:17:41,014
Is this for real?
429
00:17:41,093 --> 00:17:46,190
ALL: (SINGING) I've been
workin' on the railroad
Just to pass the time away
430
00:17:46,598 --> 00:17:47,587
Please, stop!
431
00:17:47,833 --> 00:17:49,425
Can't you hear
the whistle blowing?
Please stop.
432
00:17:49,501 --> 00:17:50,490
(IMITATES WHISTLE)
433
00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:54,728
Excuse me, sir.
434
00:17:55,107 --> 00:17:56,597
Can I get down there?
My girl's having a baby.
435
00:17:56,675 --> 00:17:57,733
Sorry, sir,
the subway's closed.
436
00:17:58,210 --> 00:17:59,768
It's closed?
Closed.
437
00:17:59,945 --> 00:18:00,934
Okay.
438
00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:02,908
All right.
Hey!
439
00:18:04,783 --> 00:18:05,772
Excuse me!
440
00:18:11,123 --> 00:18:12,351
Mindy, look at me.
441
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:15,484
This is sage. This is
nature's anesthetic.
Breathe this in.
442
00:18:15,661 --> 00:18:17,652
What?
It's better than an epidural.
443
00:18:17,863 --> 00:18:20,855
Nature sucks!
I need drugs.
Somebody, give me drugs!
444
00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:24,392
You know what, guys?
I just need some drugs.
Please, someone give me drugs.
445
00:18:24,803 --> 00:18:25,792
Nobody give her drugs, please.
446
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,630
Here, don't drink it all.
It's my dinner!
447
00:18:29,007 --> 00:18:30,201
Don't drink any of it.
448
00:18:30,509 --> 00:18:33,444
Yuck. The miracle
of childbirth, am I right?
449
00:18:33,812 --> 00:18:36,542
Listen, you should have
kids, but not for a long time.
450
00:18:36,615 --> 00:18:38,845
Have you considered
freezing your eggs?
451
00:18:43,622 --> 00:18:45,249
You know what?
This is just too much.
452
00:18:45,324 --> 00:18:47,053
I gotta be straight up
unconscious, man.
453
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:48,354
You gotta punch me
in the face.
454
00:18:48,527 --> 00:18:50,392
Mindy, I've wanted
to punch you in
the face for so very long.
455
00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:52,191
Yeah.
I will not do
that right now.
456
00:18:52,264 --> 00:18:55,165
God damn you! Tamra?
Sweet Tamra.
457
00:18:55,434 --> 00:18:57,095
Please slap me
across the face.
458
00:18:57,169 --> 00:19:00,434
I can't just slap you.
You have to say something
I'll find offensive.
459
00:19:00,939 --> 00:19:02,702
Beyoncé's really 44.
(GASPS)
460
00:19:03,342 --> 00:19:06,937
Ah! God! That did nothing
and I betrayed Beyoncé.
461
00:19:07,179 --> 00:19:08,578
I feel better.
Oh, God. (SOBBING)
462
00:19:12,518 --> 00:19:13,507
Mindy?
463
00:19:13,852 --> 00:19:14,841
Sorry.
464
00:19:15,087 --> 00:19:19,456
Okay, I have an idea. I have
an idea. I'm just gonna raise
this baby inside of me
465
00:19:19,525 --> 00:19:21,390
and then it can just see
out of my mouth.
466
00:19:21,460 --> 00:19:25,419
I'm, I'm stumped. Mantras,
herbs. We've tried everything
but modern medicine.
467
00:19:25,664 --> 00:19:26,653
DANNY: Mindy!
Maybe...
468
00:19:27,232 --> 00:19:28,529
Mindy?
Danny?
469
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:29,999
Mindy?
Oh, God. Danny!
470
00:19:30,903 --> 00:19:33,565
Oh, Danny. Come here.
Where have you been? What,
did you stop for a slice?
471
00:19:33,639 --> 00:19:34,697
Are you okay?
Oh, God. It hurts.
472
00:19:34,940 --> 00:19:36,032
It hurts so much, Danny.
473
00:19:36,608 --> 00:19:38,439
Look, look. I'm sorry.
I know I was a jerk.
474
00:19:39,077 --> 00:19:41,136
I know you're
really scared,
and so am I.
475
00:19:41,580 --> 00:19:42,842
Me, too.
You are?
476
00:19:43,482 --> 00:19:46,974
Yeah, I am terrified.
But the only thing
that calms me down
477
00:19:47,052 --> 00:19:49,885
is knowing that I'm doing
this with someone that's
stronger than I am.
478
00:19:50,322 --> 00:19:51,619
I'm not, Danny. I'm not!
Yes, you are.
479
00:19:51,890 --> 00:19:53,357
I can't do it, Danny.
It hurts too much.
480
00:19:53,792 --> 00:19:55,225
Hey! Yes, you are.
You are much stronger than me.
481
00:19:55,627 --> 00:19:57,254
You are much stronger than me.
You know it.
482
00:19:57,362 --> 00:19:58,659
And you can do this.
You know why?
483
00:19:58,730 --> 00:19:59,719
Why?
484
00:20:00,566 --> 00:20:02,056
Because you're
a stone-cold bitch.
485
00:20:03,068 --> 00:20:04,057
He's right. You are a bitch.
486
00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:06,201
You're tough.
You're tougher
than anyone I know.
487
00:20:06,605 --> 00:20:09,335
You're even tougher...
(WHISPERS) You're even
tougher than Ma.
488
00:20:09,775 --> 00:20:11,709
Really?
Yeah, really.
489
00:20:11,944 --> 00:20:14,310
Okay. Okay.
I love you.
490
00:20:14,379 --> 00:20:16,574
I love you.
You can do this. Okay.
491
00:20:24,957 --> 00:20:26,788
I can't stop looking at him.
492
00:20:28,026 --> 00:20:30,551
Hey. He looks Latino,
493
00:20:31,763 --> 00:20:32,821
and you know
what that means.
494
00:20:33,532 --> 00:20:35,227
He's really going
to clean up.
495
00:20:35,767 --> 00:20:38,201
I was thinking the same thing.
He's gorgeous.
496
00:20:38,503 --> 00:20:40,130
Right?
He's basically a little model.
497
00:20:41,039 --> 00:20:42,836
He's definitely the
best thing I ever cooked.
498
00:20:43,175 --> 00:20:44,767
MORGAN: Where is he?
Get away from me.
499
00:20:45,844 --> 00:20:46,833
I need to see him.
500
00:20:50,282 --> 00:20:51,977
I'm sorry, sweetheart.
He's waking up.
501
00:20:52,050 --> 00:20:53,517
I'm sorry.
You okay?
502
00:20:53,986 --> 00:20:54,975
He's an angel.
503
00:20:55,821 --> 00:20:59,120
He's gorgeous. Definitely
not a Tookers boy.
He's too small.
504
00:20:59,658 --> 00:21:01,216
No. No, why
would you say that?
505
00:21:01,460 --> 00:21:06,124
'Cause I was 16 pounds.
So this is not my baby.
506
00:21:06,198 --> 00:21:08,792
But I still love you,
little Morgan.
No! No, no, no.
507
00:21:08,867 --> 00:21:10,630
His name's not Morgan,
okay? We...
508
00:21:12,771 --> 00:21:14,363
We haven't named him yet.
509
00:21:14,806 --> 00:21:16,330
Danny, please, I'm so tired.
510
00:21:16,608 --> 00:21:18,838
I spent the last seven
hours squeezing out
this little watermelon.
511
00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:20,206
Can you please pick a name?
512
00:21:20,445 --> 00:21:21,434
Okay.
513
00:21:26,618 --> 00:21:27,607
Leo.
514
00:21:29,388 --> 00:21:30,377
I love it.
515
00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:32,279
For Leonardo DiCaprio?
516
00:21:32,858 --> 00:21:35,452
No, like Leonardo da Vinci!
517
00:21:35,661 --> 00:21:38,528
Of course. That, of course,
that makes, it makes
so much more sense.
518
00:21:39,064 --> 00:21:40,190
Or Leo the Lion.
519
00:21:41,500 --> 00:21:43,559
'Cause this little guy's
going to be really strong.
520
00:21:43,702 --> 00:21:44,691
Mmm-hmm.
521
00:21:45,570 --> 00:21:46,559
Like his ma.
522
00:21:47,039 --> 00:21:48,301
(MORGAN SOBBING)
523
00:21:49,241 --> 00:21:50,367
I'm a ma.
524
00:21:51,343 --> 00:21:52,332
Yeah.
525
00:21:54,279 --> 00:21:56,713
I love you, Leo Castellano.
526
00:21:58,050 --> 00:21:59,381
We can workshop the name.
527
00:22:00,118 --> 00:22:01,710
BEVERLY: Hey! Hey! Hey!
528
00:22:02,854 --> 00:22:04,617
Look at this.
Hello, young man.
529
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:10,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll