♪ They say time will wait for no man
♪ They say time is on my side
♪ I can never make my mind up
♪ Cos it all goes whizzing by
♪ From the cradle to the grave
♪ From the cradle
♪ To the grave ♪ I know I won't be a slave
♪ I know I won't
♪ Be a slave ♪ To the mistakes that I've made
♪ From the cradle ♪ I won't go
♪ Till I'm ready
♪ From the cradle to the grave
DANNY: My dad was never a worrier.
He didn't have sleepless nights.
And then my sister Sharon told him she was getting married.
It's gonna cost a fortune, this wedding, innit?
Mm...
It's a Baker wedding.
Gotta push the boat out, ain't I?
I'm sure Roger's mum and dad'll help out.
Yeah... Oi!
Don't you dare. Never in your life.
Make me look like I've got the arse hanging out me trousers?
- There's so many of us. - And?
I mean, how many was there at Paul and Paulette's wedding? 180?
I don't know.
Then there's the hall, church, dress, cars...
I mean, how you gonna pay for all that?
Don't you worry about it. I'm just in shtuck for now,
but, well, when my daughter gets married, she's gonna have the best a-goin'.
♪ SQUEEZE: Beautiful Game
♪ My old man passed down the play of loss...
DANNY: I was a good footballer.
I'd been made captain of the school team by our sports master, Mr Glover.
Come short, Butler! Come short!
Don't all chase after one ball!
- How many balls are there, then, sir? - Come here, lads.
While it's level pegging, Mr Glover, is it a good time to call it off?
Is this you conceding the match, Mr Parslow?
The conditions are very... bad.
This is a cup semi-final!
As I say to my lads, there's no such thing as bad conditions, it's just bad attitude.
Come on, West Greenwich, step it up!
- They're ready to throw the towel! - Wish someone'd throw me a towel.
♪ We would do the same
♪ To be mesmerised by the beautiful game
(Cheers wildly)
(Full-time whistle)
Come on, West Greenwich! Victory huddle! Victory huddle!
Lads, you are bringing into fruition
a dream that I have nurtured for 27 years, ever since I come down to London.
Just one match left now, St Joseph's in the final and this is...
- Cartwright! - Sir?
- What are you doing in this huddle? - I'm a substitute, sir.
An unused substitute, therefore you are super-fluous.
Superfluid, sir?
Superfluous. S-U-P-E-R-F-L-E-W-E-S!
An unused substitute only has one duty after the match. Attend to it.
This is the year I hang up... right over!
This is the year I hang up my boots. And I'll tell you this, lads, for nothing.
- I am gonna go out with a bang. - (Cheering)
DANNY: Football was my life. Always had been.
But something else was taking over.
Nobody was exactly sure what part of the curriculum Future Studies came under.
But that wasn't the point.
The point was, it involved absolutely nothing resembling work, and best of all,
the teacher was the smoking hot Miss Blondel.
- That's good. - No, it's rubbish, miss.
I didn't leave enough room for "Zeppelin".
Oh, I thought you were trying to show how much pressure they're under,
you know, squeezing them up?
There is no such thing as bad art, only bad appraisal.
I like it, Danny.
What about Last Tango In Paris, miss? Is that art?
- My dad says it ain't, he says it's filth. - (Class titters)
OK. Well...
...tell your dad the real filth are blatantly commercial movies
only interested in making money.
Ohh!
On the posters for that Last Tango, miss,
it says "This is passion, in bucketfuls." Is it, miss?
- Yes, but it's not pornographic. - How would you know that, miss?
- Because I've seen both. ALL: Ohh!
Pornography is just about bodies.
Last Tango is about taking inner emotions to a higher plane.
- Ohh! Plane! - Like a spiritual plane?
- You know, P-L-A-N-E, plane. - Yes.
- So how do you spell the one that flies? - P-L-A-N-E.
And on this plane, miss, is everyone in the nude?
- (Class guffaws) - OK. Thank you, Tommy.
Now please, gather your things up...
I was obsessed with Miss Blondel.
Every exotic myth about her swirled around the little photographic dark room she'd set up.
She always took lunch in there with her boyfriend Mr Hall.
Oh, boys. Since Kevin Blackwell left,
we do have an opening in the photography club.
- Anyone desperate to join? - Can't, miss. Tuesdays. Football training.
Yeah, I will, miss.
Ohh!
See you there.
According to legend, an older boy, Mark Stitch, went in there with her
and things "developed" very nicely between them.
Shipment from Milan. Have a look at that.
- Here you are, lads. Tel. - Cheers, mate.
- I'll have a few pairs if you're knocking them out. - We can't. They're all left feet.
- What's the point of that? - Stop us knockin' 'em out.
- Where are all the right feet? - Liverpool.
They got fed up that people helped themselves. It's left through London, right through Liverpool.
- Can you believe it? - Be fair, Spud, that's pretty shrewd, innit?
- Whose side you on? How do we make a livin'? - Cyril Vosper's brother.
- Who? What? - He's got one leg. He'll have one.
Though as it happens, I think it's the right.
Tell him to hop up to Birkenhead and sort himself out.
ALL: Arseholes!
Just come to say goodbye, lads.
- I never thought I'd see the day. - Come on, Spud, I'm 62.
She wants to move down to Dorset, be near her sister.
Two grand it's up to now. Never thought it'd go as high as two.
You sure about this, Arseholes? I mean,
- things have a habit of blowin' up in your face. DANNY: OK. Here's what's so funny.
Teddy Arseholes, as he was known, was a corruption of Teddy Aerosol.
His wife Kim bought a new air freshener she didn't like the smell of.
Her sister convinced her it was too dangerous to put a full can in the bin,
so she decided to empty it down the toilet.
♪ PERCY FAITH ORCHESTRA: A Summer Place
Ripped By mstoll
None of this was a problem, except she didn't tell Teddy what she'd done.
(Sniffs)
(Groans)
- (Laughter) - Sit yourself down.
Ever since, Teddy Arseholes never sat down if he could help it.
- Come on, Arseholes, you know what to do. - You ain't still doin' that?
Come on.
♪ AVERAGE WHITEBAND: School Boy Crush
It's her, goin' on about Dorset all the fuckin' time. It's the only reason I took it.
I don't know what you're talking about, Danny, I really don't.
I'm just saying, we're not children any more.
- Yeah, and? - Well, you know,
we should take our... passion... to a higher plane.
P-L-A-N-E.
I am not havin' it off with you. That's all there is to it.
- I didn't say that. - That's what you meant, though.
Will you stop doin' that? It's really annoyin' me.
Don't you feel anything?
Yeah. I'm freezing. Can we go in?
♪ Meet me in the playground at a quarter to four...
Come on, legs in the air! You never know your luck in the city!
Cartwright, get your leg in the air. You couldn't get an envelope under there.
- Where's Baker? Where's my team captain? - He's not here, sir.
I can see that, you barmcake. Where is he?
He's at photography, sir.
- He's doing what? - Future Studies.
(Wind howls)
Right, you lot, twice round the pitch,
once backwards, second time reverse zig-zag.
Futuristic? I'll give him futuristic! I never heard owt like it in my life!
If he thinks I'm spending 18 hours a day running a cup campaign
- so he can deliberately sabotage it... ♪ Theme from Kelly's Heroes
...he's got another thing coming. Slack work. Slack work!
OK, I like it, nice colours.
Different skies against the wind. You know, it's... it's very pretty.
- Miss, I, uh... I took a photo of that tramp. - Tramp?
Oh. Yes, it's the hair.
It makes an interesting composition. Great, Danny.
OK, who's next?
Me, miss.
There you are.
Thank you. Here.
Wait, with the light, I think.
There. That should be fine.
- You remember? - Yeah.
Perfect...
- Philip, don't take another picture of the tramp. - Why not?
Try something different.
- Try and find another aspect of him. - (Snoring)
- Take a picture of his bottle or something. - All right, miss.
Be interesting to see what you've got, once we get it back in the dark room.
The dark room...
♪ WISHBONE ASH: Blowin' Free
Philip, what are you doing?
I'm taking a picture of the tramp's bottle, like you said, miss.
I thought it made a interesting composition.
♪ I thought I had a girl...
- You've really never been in a bank, Mr Baker? - Never in my life.
I've got mates that've been in a few banks,
but never when you're open, if you know what I mean.
- So it's £1,000 you'd like to borrow? - A grand, yes.
- And the whole amount for a wedding? - You ain't seen the size of my family.
So how's this work, Chas? You give me the grand, what's in it for you?
- I charge you interest, don't I, Mr Baker? - Come again?
If I OK you £1,000,
I'd be looking to get back, at current rates, around £1,100.
Oh, right. You're looking for a ton out of it.
- And that's on top, is it? - Yes.
This £100, where's that come from?
Well, that's entirely up to you.
Ah. That's between us, is it?
- It would be confidential, yes. - Confidential, right. Right.
So why not just give me the £1,100 and I'll give you your ton straight away?
- Mr Baker, it's not my £100. - No, no, but it could be, couldn't it?
And if you meet me in the Duke of Suffolk in half an hour's time, it would be.
You see what I'm saying? Yeah... you know, you know.
- (Door slams) - All right?
- How did it go, Dad? - Bloke was puggled.
I couldn't make head nor tail of him.
Well, did you get the loan all right?
- Yeah, all sorted. Not a bother. - Cos I was talking to Mum,
and I can't decide between Dianne or Maureen.
I was wonderin' if I could have four bridesmaids instead of three?
Sharon, just talk to your mother. Whatever you want. I'll foot the bill.
Thanks, Dad.
- I'll call Roger. Can I use the phone? - Shillin' in the tin!
No good at the bank?
Oh, Fred.
We needed that money. What happened?
Bet, I am never going in one of them places again.
It's a different world. I offered him some scope and he couldn't grasp it.
It's like he didn't know what I was talking about!
I want assurances, headmaster, that you've no intention
of letting Baker transfer from the football team.
- Transfer? - The futuristic movement want to poach him.
- Future Studies? Miss Blondel? - The only future he should study is Wednesday,
3:00, Coldharbour playing fields, the Black Cup Final!
There's nothing I can do, Mr Glover. This is a school, not a football club.
- It's a matter of free will. - Free will... free will?
What about my free will? My free will to deliver the Cup
to the board and the long-suffering fans? Free will?
Again, Mr Glover. This is a school.
I... I'm not Jimmy Hill, this is not an interview on Match Of The Day.
What you call fans, we call pupils.
They're children, Mr Glover, in our care.
I never expect manager and chairman to see eye to eye, but I'll tell you this:
The moment a player has more power than his manager,
football in this country is finished, and I can promise you that!
♪ MARVIN GAYE: Right On
What do you think?
- You've developed it already? - Yes, and I think it's terrific.
You can see all the little lines in his face. It's full of expression.
Yeah. I thought I was going to develop it with you, miss.
Oh. Danny, why do you want to do photography?
I... just do, miss.
Because Mr Glover has been giving me hell about you walking out on the football team.
So what's suddenly so interesting about photography?
Well, I think I might want to be a photographer when I leave school.
And I wanna work in the dark room... with you.
OK.
Now, I don't know what you've heard,
but I never allow any pupil in my dark room.
So if that's where you think this is leading, you'd be better off going and playing football again.
- Do I make myself clear? - Yes, miss.
♪ THE KINKS: You Really Got Me - Perfect.
(Horn toots)
- Starkers, you Scouse ponce! - All right, Spud, you cockney get.
- How are you, mate? - Great to see you!
All right, how are you?
- Nice ride down? - Yeah, not bad.
- You got the gear? - Bloody right, we have.
They were so confident they'd got us beat, there was hardly any security on the gates.
- Cally just drove out with 'em. - Same as us.
- They didn't even look in the back of my van. - Let's have a look. Come on.
- Ho, ho, ho! Nice and tasty! - Business as usual, eh?
- You knocking 'em out for a fiver? - Two quid if I'm lucky.
Two quid? That's a nice bit of leather, that. Eye-talian shoes.
Nah, two quid tops. Could've got six or seven a pair if they was platforms.
- If they was what? - Platforms. That's what they're wearin' now.
- Platforms... - Yeah.
Two quid?
How are you gettin' on up there? Still tryin' to close you down, same as us?
Spud, I've lost count how many marches I've been on.
Stood under every banner there is, called three strikes in one week, I have.
I'm tellin' you la', it's over.
Nah. No way. No chance. Well, I'm not takin' their money.
We're an army without guns. We're a people without a land, Spud.
- We're dockers without a docks. - They'll always need docks, Starkers. Always.
How many ships come in to your wharf now, eh? One, two a week at most.
They're all goin' to Le Havre or Rotterdam or Hamburg, where it's all containerised.
But they gotta get it here, ain't they? What are they gonna use, hot air balloons?
Nine of us there was, nine Stark brothers.
And I'm the last one still in. But I gotta tell ya, Spud, last Wednesday...
...I ticked that box.
No. No, mate. Not you, Starkers! Not you and all.
Two grand, mate. I took the money.
- Ah, you're crackers! - Am I?
You grab their money now, Spud, me old mate,
cos the minute they discover we're scared,
instead of that money goin' up, it's gonna start goin' down.
♪ NEU!: Hallogallo
(School bell rings)
My dreams of Miss Blondel and the dark room had turned to ashes.
So too had my chance of playing in the Black Cup Final,
the biggest game in the school's history.
Dan, he played Harrison up front in trainin'.
Lenny's put him through, he's gone round the goalie, open goal,
tripped over his own two feet and hit his head on the goalpost.
The goalpost! Glover's gone mad. He has to train with the reserves.
- We ain't got any reserves. - He told him he couldn't shower.
- He wouldn't waste hot water on him. - Glover?
Baker! You two, make yourselves scarce.
I think it's time we had a word.
Don't you?
I understand there are distractions for a young player at the very top of his game.
Believe it or not, I were 15 myself once, playing for the school team.
- I remember getting my head turned by nesting. - Nesting?
Eventually I come to realise I had certain responsibilities
beyond gathering eggs from reed warblers, wagtails and egrets,
no matter how exciting the thrill of the chase.
We all have different boxes in our lives.
There's our football box, very important.
I had my nesting box, you've got your photography box
and I daresay before too long, you'll have your girlfriend's box.
D'you see what I'm saying?
Uh, yeah. Yes, sir, yeah.
The hard part is managing your boxes.
And that's where I come in, cos I'm the best manager there is.
So, my photography class with Miss Blondel...
...I can do that and still play football?
No! Not a chance!
I want you to put your photography in its box,
put chains round it, set fire to it and throw it into the canal.
Until we win the Black Cup, I don't want to see you within 100 miles of a camera!
Do you understand?
Yes, sir.
♪ LOU REED: Vicious
(Sniffs)
And that is strong management.
♪ Vicious
♪ You hit me with a flower...
My sister said that Paul and Paulette's wedding cost 1,100 quid.
If we're sensible, I think we could do Sharon's for about a grand.
Now, I got £400 upstairs behind the wardrobe at the minute.
- Is that all? - The fiddles are dryin' up, Bet.
Everything's changin'. There's nothing I can do about it.
And by the way, what the fuckin' hell are platform shoes?
- Fred, she's gettin' married in September! - All right, tick tock, tick tock...
TV: EOKA, who want immediate union with Greece,
the men who helped to depose Makarios...
(Clears throat)
...the conflict between the Greeks and Turks in Cyprus remains unresolved.
Two bob and they still ain't told us who's won.
So what's that... May, June, July, August. 50 quid a week out of my wages, £400 upstairs.
I reckon we'll get it up to a grand by September, somehow.
You do remember, Paulette's Paul only had his mum and his aunt there?
- Mm? - Well, Roger's family's as big as ours.
...peaceful co-operation, hoping that all...
- Roger's family? - You hadn't thought of that, had you?
Roger's family.
I suppose they've all gotta come, have they?
What?
- So, what, two grand? ...a breathing space is vital
- because of Turkish fears... - Two grand.
DANNY: I was back in the team.
The Black Cup Final was one of the most exciting days of my life.
But we just couldn't score, mainly because they had the best goalkeeper in London.
(Cheering)
Belt it, lad! All you had to do is belt it!
I will not have continental football at this club!
We needed a goal, cos if it went to penalties, we all knew he'd save ours and they'd win.
Then Roy Burridge's dad's dog made the tackle of the match.
- (Yaps) - Oof!
He couldn't carry on, and the request went out:
Was there a qualified referee on the sidelines who could take over?
♪ The Great Little Army
- What the bleedin' hell are you playing at? - (Angry murmurs)
You see that white line? As a qualified county official,
once I step over that, my only concern is to adjudicate without fear or favour,
and to bring this match to its lawful and honest conclusion.
There you go, boys, 30 quid apiece.
It would have been a lot more if they'd been fuckin' platforms, apparently.
In the end, I knocked 'em out to Micky Dray down the market, two quid a pair.
- 30 quid? - Don't spend it all at once.
Come on, let's get back to it.
- Spud? - Go on.
Just finishin' me tea. I'll catch you up.
Here, Alf, you got any more of them Eccles cakes in the back?
I'll have a look.
I wanna take one with me.
♪ SAND Y DENNY: Who Knows Where The Time Goes
♪ Across the evening sky
♪ All the birds are leaving
♪ But how can they know
♪ It's time for them to go?
Found some...
Spud?
How much longer? It'll be dark soon!
How'd you get ten minutes extra time?
There's only one watch that matters, mate. This one.
(All groan)
That's ours!
Don't do this to me, Baker. 27 years. We need a goal.
Yes, Tom!
(Angry cries from supporters)
Goal!
- (Cheers) - (Howls of protest)
♪ CREAM: Sunshine of your Love
It was an act of God. The referee's part of the pitch.
I was keeping my eyes open for offside decisions I may or may not have to make.
- You put it in, you cheating bastard! - Come on!
That's it, time's up, no time for a restart.
♪ It's getting near dark
- (Whistle blows) - (Cheering)
♪ The lights close their tired eyes
West Greenwich, come on! Victory circle! West Greenwich!
- That's ridiculous! - (Cheering)
The goal stood, and the record books show that in 1974,
West Greenwich finally won the Black Cup.
♪ I'll be with you when the stars start falling
(Roars)
♪ I've been waiting so long
♪ To be where I'm going
♪ In the sunshine of your love...
- Miss Blondel? - Just a minute!
- Hi. - Ah, Mr Glover sent me, miss.
- He asked if the pictures are ready yet. - They're nearly done.
Oh, Danny, you look so cute in your football kit.
- Do I, miss? - Yes.
Are you still interested in photography?
- Yeah, I am. - Well...
why don't you come in and I'll show you how it all works in here.
Come.
Uh, yeah...
♪ They say time will wait for no man
♪ They say time is on my side
♪ I could never make my mind up
♪ Cos it all goes whizzing by
♪ From the cradle to the grave
♪ I know I won't be a slave
♪ I know I won't...
Ripped By mstoll