♪ They say time will wait for no man
♪ They say time is on my side
♪ I can never make my mind up
♪ Cos it all goes whizzing by
♪ From the cradle to the grave
♪ From the cradle
♪ To the grave ♪ I know I won't be a slave
♪ I know I won't
♪ Be a slave ♪ To the mistakes that I've made
♪ From the cradle ♪ I won't go
♪ Till I'm ready
♪ From the cradle to the grave
So we're callin' the band either...
- Thunderkok. - Spelt K-O-K.
- Typhlosion... - No, that's rubbish.
Smallpox Risk.
Oi, Baker, what's a good name for a band?
Ah...
Bench Full Of Wankers?
- Where you been? - Where have I been?
- Ask me where I've been. - He's just asked you.
All right, I'll tell you where I've been.
Been in the dark room.
- With Miss Blondel. - With the red light on?
- Red light right on. - And?
Not gonna tell you load of wergins, am I?
You went in the dark room with Miss Blondel?
- With the red light on? - You never grabbed hold of her.
All right, I never grabbed hold of her. So what was I doin' in there, then?
Learnin' how to develop photos?
So when you think it's had long enough in the developer,
pop it quickly into the fix...
- Uh... - Yes.
- OK. - And now to the water.
That's it. Now you hang it up to dry. Well done.
♪ LIZ BRADY: Palladium
Ripped By mstoll
Oh, là là. (Laughs)
Look at your face.
No need to be embarrassed.
I'm not.
It's photography, Danny.
Is it even worth giving you the speech about the difference between smut and art?
Uh...
I... I want to do more photography, miss.
- What are you doing? - Cos I...
really like you...
...Louise.
- So what have you heard, then? - Heard?
Come on. About me.
Whatever it is, I'm sure it's just nonsense but I'd like to hear it.
Well, I... I heard about you and Mark Stitch.
Wow.
Mark.
Yeah. Like, in here.
In here?
Listen...
I saw Mark a few times...
...but that was after he left school and certainly not in here.
I could never have a relationship with a schoolboy, Danny.
You must know that.
No schoolboys?
No matter how cute they are.
- What's she look like stripped off? - I'm not gonna answer that. That's...
- That's just smut. - Oh, smut!
On your mother's life, in the dark room, you saw Miss Blondel with nothing on?
Yeah, I did. On my mother's life, I did.
♪ DR JOHN: Right Place Wrong Time
Miss Blondel.
Boys, got something for ya.
- (Laughs) - What you showin' us?
You know they have Readers' Wives, right?
Well, this is the new thing: One For The Ladies.
It's the blokes, right? It's the husbands!
Look at the state of him. Now, look, look.
Does that, or does that not, look like Eddie Cook to you?
- How can you tell with his eyes blacked out? - Oh, come on, it's a ringer.
- Here, Spud. - What?
Have a look at that?
Oh, good Gawd! What's that? What's the matter with you lot?
- (Chuckling) - What you looking at this for?
"A pulsing round up of this week's hottest dongs."
Leave off! Don't show me something like that first thing in the morning.
No, look again. Who does that look like?
- Look like? That is Eddie Cook. - (Laughter)
I told you!
How can you be so sure? You can't see his face.
No. But that's his kitchen wallpaper for starters.
And look at that there. See that there between his legs?
- That's the urn with his old man's ashes in it. - (Laughter)
Straight up.
I'm always tellin' him he keeps it too close to the tea caddy.
What's he gone in for that for, the soppy git?
25 quid, it says here.
- Yeah? - Then again, speaking of sausages...
Here, Spud.
Have you seen someone's wiped your name off the board?
Yeah, there's some bastards around.
Put it back up, cos someone's taking the right piss out of you.
Making out you're a quitter.
Spud?
I took it down... and that's the end of it.
And anyone who wants to keep going on about it can say hello to a right-hander.
- What's happened? - What did I say about keepin' on?
I'm not keepin' on. I'm enquiring.
Fuckin' hell, Spud.
We can all do with three grand... but we're still hangin' on to our jobs.
2,200.
That's what I got.
Went up to three the next day. Go on, laugh if you like.
Spud, you need to get up and put your name back on the board.
- You're a docker. - It's too late. I took the money.
And I've got something else lined up.
- Ain't you even regrettin' it? - It's beside the point.
I'm sure Eddie Cook's regretting not redecorating his kitchen.
It looks like we've both been found out today... dunnit?
I was hopelessly in love with Miss Blondel.
Oh, I knew what love was all right.
♪ The Marriage Of Figaro
In my fantasies, I'd already been married twice before the age of 12.
My first fantasy bride was Cilla Black.
Do you, Cilla "Step Inside Love" Black, from BBC1,
take Danny to be your husband,
and be with him all the time, even in the bath and that?
I really, really do.
♪ You're my world
♪ You're every breath I take...
I thought Cilla and I were gonna be together for ever.
♪ Although I see the stars...
But then, on holiday,
Dad took us to see Anita Harris.
I'd like to sing next
one of my favourite songs.
It's called The Anniversary Waltz.
And I fell in love again.
But, before I do, I want to find a young man to sing it to.
- You there, what's your name? - Danny.
Well, Dennis, this one's for you.
♪ Tell me I may always dance
♪ The Anniversary Waltz with you...
♪ The Marriage Of Figaro
So Anita Harris became my second fantasy wife.
Do you, Anita "Anniversary Waltz" Harris,
whom so many other people would love to be marrying,
take this man, Dennis Baker...
- Danny! - Yes.
...to be your lawfully wedded husband? - Even in the bath and that.
- Indeed. - I do.
And do you take Anita "Anniversary Waltz" Harris
- to be your next Cilla Black? - I do.
- Are you going to be all right, Cilla? - Oh, yeah.
I'm just about to vanish from his life with an audible pop.
- (Pop) - (Laughter)
Life is perfect.
But Miss Blondel was no fantasy. She was only too real!
(Dog barks)
Get out of my way, you four-legged ponce.
I'm sure you're going senile.
- (Music on TV) - I've had a nightmare, Bet...
- Where's your mother? - Upstairs.
- What you watchin'? - Old Grey Whistle Test.
- The tracking's all over the place. - Thing's up the spout. It's a monstrosity.
Bet!
What you got there? Dirty picture?
- No, it's just Old Grey Whistle Test. - What? Where's your father?
- Upstairs, looking for you. - What's goin' on here? Where you been?
- Where've you been? - Don't start, Bet, I've had a bastard morning.
- Told the blokes at work, then? - Yeah. Yeah.
- How'd they take it? - How do you think they took it?
- They think I'm crackers. - Why?
- No different from others that took the money. - I am!
Two weeks ago, I was threatenin' to throw blokes in the drink just for talkin' about it.
- I'm a turncoat, Bet. I am a turncoat. - No, you are not.
You are doing what you've always done - putting your family first.
Am I?
Blimey, Fred, you've always said a job's just a job. Now look at ya.
I know, but I feel exposed.
Like I'm walkin' around without any trousers, like Eddie Cook.
- Eh? - I'll tell you later.
Look, sod your mates at work.
Your daughter is going to have the wedding she's always wanted
because of what you've done, and you should be proud of that.
Blimey, Fred, you ain't had your wits removed. You can still earn a living.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
You're right. I'm acting like a Mary-Ann.
So things are gonna change. So what?
That's what life's all about - keeps you on your toes.
Life is risk, Bet. It's a gamble.
If you're bold, you get your rewards.
Take a jump in the dark and move on.
Yeah, Dad... I wanna leave school.
Ball's to that! You're stayin' where you are, and that's the end of it.
♪ Sweet home Alabama...
- So what did your old man say? - He said I can do what I want.
- He'll back me up all the way. - Why would you wanna leave now?
No-one leaves in Easter. Wait until summer like the rest of us.
Well, I wanna leave now. I've got things I want to do.
Someone you want to do.
Yeah, well, I got two birds I can charver any time I like - and they ain't old.
- There's only four days till the end of term, Dan. - Yeah.
So, in four days you're not gonna be one of us any more?
Be bold. Ajump in the dark.
That's what Dad had said and he was right.
Meanwhile, inspired by Mum's pep talk,
he was already exploring new career opportunities.
Rag and bo... ner!
His old mate Tony The Totter had agreed to give him a try out.
Oi, love. Is this yours? You tossing all this out?
- Council said they'll come and collect it. - Council? Hoh. That'll lay there for weeks, that.
- I'll take it off your hands? - What you gonna give me for it?
What'll I give you for it? Access to my body 24 hours a day.
(Chuckles)
- That's all right, innit? - Good man, Spud.
Dad wasn't afraid of hard work, and he didn't care what people thought.
(Neighs)
♪ I'm thinking 'bout the images stored in my memory bank...
Walk on.
♪ I'm lost inside a paradise
♪ My mind goes all blank...
This is the life!
You were born to it, Spud. We'll have you out in your own cart in no time.
Yeah, I think this game is gonna suit me right down to the ground.
- Life on the open road. - (Chuckling)
Whoa!
Dirty bastard. Dirty bastard.
Ever thought about doin' this in a van?
- What you doin'? - Baggin' it up.
Them big houses in Eltham will pay good money for it.
- Go on. - Always stop for it.
It's like leaving pound notes lying in the road.
♪ GEORGE HARRISON: My Sweet Lord
But the family's social standing was a bit more important to Mum.
- Hello, Bill. - Miss Elizabeth Taylor, upon my soul!
One so precious should not be left to the mercy of the 199 to Catford Garage.
Allow me to convey you back to the film set.
Oh, lovely, yeah.
Elizabeth Taylor! I like that.
Oh, I've been on me feet all day packin' bleedin' Bourbon biscuits.
Well, this is luxurious, Bill.
A reward for honest endeavour, Beatrice.
Speaking of which, I haven't seen Brother Baker for a couple of weeks.
Is he gainfully employed?
Oh, he's working, yeah.
High Court judge? Standing for Parliament?
I know they're looking for a new James Bond?
He's in er... commerce.
- Commerce? - Yeah, you know, buyin' and selling...
Ah, so he's joined my world.
Something like that, yeah.
Rag and bo-o-one!
The old man loved being a totter.
♪ Take it easy...
But there was one thing he always looked for in a job.
What he called scope.
- Manure? - You what, love?
- Manure? - Totter!
- Manure? - I was here first!
It didn't take him long to realise that the demand for horse manure
in the well-to-do neighbourhoods
far outstripped his old nag's capacity to supply it.
For my roses.
- (Neighs) - Whoa! Steady!
What followed was inevitable.
♪ Marta, rambling rose of the wild wood
♪ Marta...
Whoa!
♪ With your fragrance divine...
- All right, Tony? - Spud.
(Groans)
I've got 14 sheets of corrugated iron on there.
Give us me whack before I go cos I need it.
- Spud... - What?
- There's been a complaint. - A what?
For the first time in the history of this yard,
somebody has returned a bag of our horse manure...
because it was packed out with rubble.
Now, I've worked that area of Eltham all my life.
And now you've ruined it on us. They don't want us back there.
I was just tryin' to spin it out a bit further, Tony. He only goes once a day.
It's shit, Spud. How can you try and swindle people out of shit?
(Horse neighs)
One for the road?
It's your fault.
♪ RY COODER: Feeling Good
♪ I'm a fool for a cigarette
♪ Lord, I'm a fool for a cigarette...
- It don't make no sense. - (Dog barks)
How can you be fired from being a rag and bone man?
- You didn't like me doin' it, anyway! - No. It's embarrassing.
I've been tellin' people all sorts. But why has everything got to be a racket?
I'm surprised you didn't sell the horse.
Can I remind you why I was doin' it in the first place?
What about Sharon, the wedding she wanted? What about bein' proud?
You were never gonna pay for it with what came out of an 'orse's arse!
This is just what you are like. Everything has gotta be bent.
- Well, what d'you want me to be - a copper? - That wouldn't be a bad idea.
You're losing your self control.
And you are losing your self respect.
Don't you look at me like that.
- I'd take a tenner for you right now. - (Whines)
I've only ever seen Yvonne cry once, at the end of Butch Cassidy.
You've been goin' out with her ages. What you gonna say to her?
Well, it's not easy to break a girl's heart, Tom,
but I think, in the long run, she'll see I'm just being kind.
- Have you got a plan? - I'm gonna go round,
see if she fancies goin' up the Wimpy,
have one last great night together before I tell her.
She'll be upset, but Yvonne's just a girl.
- I need a woman now. I'm not just... - Danny!
- Hello, darlin'. - Don't "darlin" me.
So you're goin' out with this school teacher, then?
- Where'd you hear that? - From about a hundred people.
- You've told everyone you're havin' it off. - No.
It's what you told everyone about me.
Just remember to take your school cap off while you're doin' it. Yeah?
- I don't know what you're talkin' about. - Tommy, you know about this.
- About what? - Go away. You're useless, you are.
Anyway, I'm finishing with ya.
Tony Gooch asked me out. He's from the Co-op. I really fancy him.
Tony Gooch? I don't know him.
You don't have to, do ya, darling?
- Well... Do you want to go up the Wimpy? - No!
No, I don't, and I don't want you to talk to me, or even look at me, ever again.
Do you understand? Good. See you, then!
She's brilliant, ain't she?
Mind if I go out with her?
Fuck off, Tom.
Unemployed again, Dad was missing the old gang.
(Chatter and laughter)
- That's all she was bothered about. - Hey, we miss ya, Spud.
Did I ever tell you the totter's story? Listen to this.
We gotta get back. It's quarter to three.
- It'll only take a minute. - See you later.
Save it, Spud, save it. We'll be back at six.
- All right. See you later. - Ta-ra.
Spud, if you've got nothing else to do, you might as well have a kip in here.
HEADMASTER: Another year behind us... - As for me, I was still wrestling with myself.
Should I stay or should I go?
So a big thank you to Mr Glover and the football team.
(Applause and cheering)
Sorry we couldn't organise the open-top bus, Mr Glover.
Well, now, before Jeremy Langford reads us
his specially-written poem, The Term Of My Life...
- Wanker! - Oh, poem!
Fine, settle... Settle down.
...I would ask any remaining boys who will be leaving us this week,
to come forward and place their release forms - which must be signed by their parents -
on the desk here.
♪ ELECTRIC LIGHT ORCHESTRA: Can't Get You Out Of My Head
♪ Midnight
♪ On the water
♪ I saw...
(Gasps)
♪ The ocean's daughter...
You frightened the life out of me.
I thought you was a ghost.
Yeah? I think I am!
Murder, innit, Spud? Being out.
It's the worst day's work I've ever done in my life.
What was I thinking?
Fancy a pint?
Nah, I can't. I got too much to do preparin' for tomorrow mornin'.
Not you and all.
You'll sort somethin' out, Spud.
I'm struggling. Straight up, I'm struggling.
- I never real... - Oh, bloody hell.
All right, hold tight. What you lot doin' hiding in here?
- Eh? - Here, Wally, who have you come as?
I'm the killer gorilla in a perspex hat. Who says so?
- I says so, and that's that. - What, you doorman down the Regal now?
No, the Royal Division Of Commissionaires, Spud.
The official custodian for the magnificent new executive establishment
now standing on the site formerly known as the old Tobacco Dock.
- You used to work at Tobacco Dock. - Still do, Spud. Still do.
But now it's known as Ottawa House, headquarters of the Royal Bank Of Canada.
And my job is to keep out riff-raff like you.
Now, that's a turncoat.
I'm only playing. What's the matter with ya?
All the lads are at it. All the chaps are down here.
You've got Geoff Kelly. Danny Marney. Keithy Pace.
Half of West India Docks have joined the RDC now.
- So what do you do? - Well, we're 50% security,
50% messenger boy, and 50% right at it.
Now, Alfie, I've got six gross of skinless chipolatas,
generously - if unwittingly - donated by my esteemed employer.
- Lovely. I'll sort you out later down the pub. - What, there's scope?
Scope, Spud? Scope?
It's like the Wild fucking West, my old son. Next best thing to the docks, this is.
- Yeah? How d'you get in the swim? - All you need is a clean army record.
Well, that's me out of it. Spent all my National Service on the run.
Spud...
Let me put it another way, my old son.
All you need to do is get hold of a clean army record.
I've got a good army record - Vera Lynn, White Cliffs Of Dover.
- Not now, Alf. Not now. - Not now, Alf.
- What if I could get hold of one, then? - I'd propose ya. A chap would second ya.
I'd take you down, get you measured up for the uniform.
I think that could be arranged, Woody. I think that could be arranged.
Well, in that case, Frederick, my old China...
welcome to the RDC!
Hey-hey!
♪ We're the soldiers of the Queen, my lads
♪ Who've been, my lads
♪ And seen, my lads
♪ We'll fight for England's glory and...
♪ And we'll show them what we mean...
- Whoa-ho! - Where you goin', Spud?
- To war, Alfie. To war! - Come on, Frederick!
(Chuckling)
And so, fellow pupils
As we race to finish
We are strengthened by knowing we were schooled
In fair West Greenwich.
- Oh, fair! - (Booing)
Thank you. Thank you, Jeremy. (Clears throat)
Well, I'm sure that has all of you asking, "Just what will the next year bring?"
- I'm not. - (Laughter)
Yes, right, settle.
♪ Won't Get Fooled Again
Several members of staff will also be leaving us at term's end, eight of them all told,
and I'm sure we all wish them well
with the various professions that they've chosen.
And, for many of you, there will be...
- Baker, where you goin'? ...new challenges to meet, new mountains to...
Baker, sit down. I haven't finished yet.
I have.
STUDENTS: Ooh!
Right, Baker. Baker?
Baker, come back here! You are still a pupil at this school.
- No, I'm not. - (Laughter and cheering)
All right. Quiet.
Quiet. Sit down. Quiet.
- Come on, lads! - Quiet.
Quiet, please.
This was great. I felt liberated.
Then it occurred to me - what was I gonna tell 'em indoors?
Shit.
My solution was simple. I wouldn't tell them anything.
- See you. - Oh, hold on. Nearly forgot.
- What? - It's Friday. You've got woodwork.
Nearly forgot your apron.
Of course.
- Forget your head if it weren't screwed on. - Yeah.
Bye.
Today, at last, I was gonna show Miss Blondel
I was not a little schoolboy any more.
But, before I could see her in class, I first had to go to church.
Baker, where's your uniform?
I left.
- Remember? - Oh, yes. What are you doing here?
I've come back again. You know, just to stay in touch, Ronald.
Seems to me a lot of you boys leave one day and return the next
for the simple thrill of calling my staff and I by our Christian names. Am I right?
No... Ronald.
On your way, Baker.
You can call me Danny.
(Muttering)
Where's Louise?
- Who? - Miss Blondel.
In the dark room.
Oh. Hi, er... Miss Blondel.
Hello, Danny.
So... is there anything you want?
Ah... Yeah...
I was just wondering. Ah...
What you were doing at lunchtime.
Having my lunch, I expect.
Oh. Ah. Yeah. Yeah. Of course.
Now, if you don't mind, I do have a class to take, Danny.
Merci.
Oh, very nice, Louise.
You need some green, right? Hm?
- You do know I've left school now? - Yes.
I know.
- Let me see, because this green is a bit... - (Sniggering)
The colour is a bit fading.
Do you want to use the yellow?
Yeah?
♪ All The Young Dudes
What had I done?
- Hello, Baker. - Hello, Neil.
♪ They say time will wait for no man
♪ They say time is on my side
♪ I can never make my mind up
♪ Cos it all goes whizzing by
♪ From the cradle to the grave
♪ From the cradle
♪ To the grave ♪ I know I won't be a slave
♪ I know I won't be a slave...
Ripped By mstoll