1
00:00:12,465 --> 00:00:13,591
Oh don't open your eyes.

2
00:00:13,903 --> 00:00:15,780
Please don't open your eyes.

3
00:00:17,038 --> 00:00:19,106
Oh, no.

4
00:00:33,755 --> 00:00:35,055
Oh!

5
00:00:35,057 --> 00:00:36,090
Your turn.

6
00:00:36,092 --> 00:00:38,058
No, it was my turn last time.

7
00:00:38,060 --> 00:00:39,259
Yeah, you're right.

8
00:00:40,363 --> 00:00:42,563
We'll both go.

9
00:00:42,565 --> 00:00:44,765
Meet me in the bottle with the nursery.

10
00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:47,424
I mean, meet me in the nursery

11
00:00:47,473 --> 00:00:48,450
with the bottle.

12
00:00:48,570 --> 00:00:51,038
Is she up?

13
00:00:55,787 --> 00:00:57,644
This is sausage.

14
00:01:06,595 --> 00:01:09,217
- Honey.
- That's me. I'm honey.

15
00:01:10,231 --> 00:01:12,825
- You forget the bottle?
- No.

16
00:01:16,308 --> 00:01:19,065
Honey, this is the last
diaper, and I could've sworn

17
00:01:19,067 --> 00:01:21,101
I bought more yesterday, but then...

18
00:01:21,103 --> 00:01:23,369
or maybe did I dream that I bought more?

19
00:01:24,061 --> 00:01:26,435
I was voted Most Outgoing at Burning Man,

20
00:01:26,454 --> 00:01:28,905
and now I'm dreaming about buying diapers.

21
00:01:29,025 --> 00:01:30,911
Hey, will you be my best friend

22
00:01:30,913 --> 00:01:32,646
- and go get some more?
- Now?

23
00:01:32,648 --> 00:01:34,476
Yeah. It's your turn. I went last time.

24
00:01:34,498 --> 00:01:36,004
Why are you keeping score?

25
00:01:36,784 --> 00:01:39,119
And I went last time...
I know, I wrote it down.

26
00:01:39,121 --> 00:01:41,087
Are those my pajama shorts?

27
00:01:45,059 --> 00:01:46,826
What were they doing in my drawer?

28
00:01:46,828 --> 00:01:48,328
No, it's fine. I...

29
00:01:48,330 --> 00:01:50,597
I mean, they... they
look better on you anyway.

30
00:01:50,599 --> 00:01:53,233
You should just... you should keep them.

31
00:01:53,235 --> 00:01:54,868
Don't cry.

32
00:01:54,870 --> 00:01:56,970
Don't cry. I can't have
both of you cry right now.

33
00:01:56,972 --> 00:01:59,672
No, no, no, no. Don't cry. Baby, don't cry.

34
00:01:59,674 --> 00:02:01,007
Am I crying right now?

35
00:02:01,009 --> 00:02:02,408
No, no, baby, no cry, okay?

36
00:02:02,410 --> 00:02:04,077
Daddy gonna go into the minimart, alright?

37
00:02:04,079 --> 00:02:05,411
- Yeah, okay.
- I'm gonna go into the minimart.

38
00:02:05,413 --> 00:02:06,579
Here, take this bottle.

39
00:02:06,581 --> 00:02:08,481
- Will you get me a slushie?
- What?

40
00:02:08,483 --> 00:02:09,682
Will you get me a slushie?

41
00:02:09,684 --> 00:02:11,184
A slushie? Yes.

42
00:02:11,186 --> 00:02:12,785
Yes, I'll get you a slushie. Anything else?

43
00:02:12,787 --> 00:02:14,620
Diapers, dude.

44
00:02:14,622 --> 00:02:15,621
- Diapers.
- Diapers.

45
00:02:15,623 --> 00:02:17,623
- Diapers.
- Diapers, okay.

46
00:02:17,625 --> 00:02:19,692
I'm gonna give you your shorts
back, I'm gonna go get diapers,

47
00:02:19,694 --> 00:02:21,534
I'm gonna go grab a slushie,
I'm gonna make everything better,

48
00:02:21,765 --> 00:02:23,912
and I promise I am going to come back.

49
00:02:24,797 --> 00:02:26,232
Why would you say that?

50
00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:49,522
How long have those hot dogs been there?

51
00:02:49,524 --> 00:02:51,323
Oh, those aren't hot dogs.

52
00:02:51,325 --> 00:02:52,825
After six hours in the machine,

53
00:02:52,827 --> 00:02:54,360
we have to call them Wizard Fingers.

54
00:02:54,362 --> 00:02:55,528
I am so tired.

55
00:02:55,530 --> 00:02:57,429
Did you say "Wizard Fingers"?

56
00:02:57,431 --> 00:02:58,697
I did.

57
00:02:58,699 --> 00:03:00,165
Wizard Fingers.

58
00:03:00,167 --> 00:03:02,201
It's like when a grape becomes a raisin.

59
00:03:02,203 --> 00:03:03,736
And after six more hours,

60
00:03:03,738 --> 00:03:05,638
we have to call 'em Meat Straws

61
00:03:07,274 --> 00:03:08,741
I'll take two.

62
00:03:08,743 --> 00:03:10,809
♪ Back up, give me some elbow room ♪

63
00:03:10,811 --> 00:03:12,144
♪ Back up ♪

64
00:03:12,146 --> 00:03:13,612
♪ Give me some elbow room ♪

65
00:03:13,614 --> 00:03:15,547
♪ Back up, give me some elbow room... ♪

66
00:03:15,549 --> 00:03:18,283
- ♪Yo, the alpha, omega, the greatest comm... ♪
- Uh-oh.

67
00:03:30,550 --> 00:03:32,164
Do you know how fast you were going?

68
00:03:32,166 --> 00:03:33,732
I'm really sorry, Officer.

69
00:03:33,734 --> 00:03:35,434
I'm in the middle of a diaper run.

70
00:03:35,436 --> 00:03:38,136
I was probably going much
faster than I-I should've been.

71
00:03:38,138 --> 00:03:39,037
Fourteen.

72
00:03:39,039 --> 00:03:39,838
14 what?

73
00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:40,739
Miles an hour.

74
00:03:40,741 --> 00:03:42,040
Wow.

75
00:03:42,042 --> 00:03:43,575
Because it felt like I was flying.

76
00:03:43,577 --> 00:03:45,077
License and registration?

77
00:03:45,079 --> 00:03:47,446
Uh... uh, yeah. Um...

78
00:03:50,316 --> 00:03:53,285
Are you, um, sure...

79
00:03:53,287 --> 00:03:54,886
You know, maybe...

80
00:03:54,888 --> 00:03:57,522
I don't know, I'm just
sort of thinking here,

81
00:03:57,524 --> 00:04:00,392
but, uh, maybe there's some other way

82
00:04:00,394 --> 00:04:03,161
that you want to deal with this...

83
00:04:03,163 --> 00:04:05,964
situation?

84
00:04:07,333 --> 00:04:09,167
Are you handing this to me

85
00:04:09,169 --> 00:04:10,602
or is this some kind of bribe?

86
00:04:10,604 --> 00:04:13,505
I don't know.

87
00:04:13,507 --> 00:04:15,573
Do you want it to be a bribe?

88
00:04:17,643 --> 00:04:19,244
So, you have any kids?

89
00:04:19,246 --> 00:04:20,394
Nope.

90
00:04:21,227 --> 00:04:22,496
You want kids?

91
00:04:22,864 --> 00:04:24,062
Nope.

92
00:04:25,585 --> 00:04:27,252
You have any hobbies?

93
00:04:28,112 --> 00:04:31,189
I like to organize people's
closets on the weekends.

94
00:04:34,393 --> 00:04:35,893
Okay.

95
00:04:35,895 --> 00:04:37,462
Follow my finger with your eyes.

96
00:04:37,464 --> 00:04:39,364
Don't move your head.

97
00:04:39,366 --> 00:04:40,526
Don't move my head?

98
00:04:42,570 --> 00:04:43,701
I gotta be honest,

99
00:04:43,703 --> 00:04:44,969
as soon you said that,

100
00:04:44,971 --> 00:04:46,237
I really want to move my head.

101
00:04:46,239 --> 00:04:47,247
Don't.

102
00:04:48,041 --> 00:04:50,007
I think I have to move my head.

103
00:04:50,009 --> 00:04:51,142
Don't do it.

104
00:04:51,144 --> 00:04:52,343
- I'm gonna do it.
- Don't do it.

105
00:04:52,345 --> 00:04:53,978
- I'm gonna move my head.
- Negatory.

106
00:04:53,980 --> 00:04:55,079
- I'm gonna move it right now.
- Don't do it.

107
00:04:55,081 --> 00:04:56,714
Don't do it.

108
00:04:57,817 --> 00:04:59,150
Okay.

109
00:04:59,152 --> 00:05:01,252
- I told you not to do it.
- I'm sorry.

110
00:05:01,254 --> 00:05:02,687
Is there something else I can do?

111
00:05:02,689 --> 00:05:03,888
Yeah.

112
00:05:09,128 --> 00:05:10,661
Ha! Check that!

113
00:05:10,663 --> 00:05:11,929
Check that.

114
00:05:11,931 --> 00:05:13,431
Check that!

115
00:05:15,168 --> 00:05:18,002
- I'm gonna have to take you down to the station.
- What?

116
00:05:18,004 --> 00:05:19,670
No. No. No, no, no, no.

117
00:05:19,672 --> 00:05:21,338
There is no way that I failed that.

118
00:05:21,340 --> 00:05:22,673
I know you're on something.

119
00:05:22,675 --> 00:05:24,542
I'm on two hours sleep

120
00:05:24,544 --> 00:05:26,944
and one and a half meat
raisins, okay? Look.

121
00:05:26,946 --> 00:05:28,512
I am begging you, all right?

122
00:05:28,514 --> 00:05:30,347
I live just right around the corner.

123
00:05:30,349 --> 00:05:34,018
Please let me just get these
diapers to my wife and then...

124
00:05:34,020 --> 00:05:37,154
whatever you want. Whatever you want.

125
00:05:37,156 --> 00:05:39,790
There are no diapers in the car, hot legs.

126
00:05:43,463 --> 00:05:44,328
No.

127
00:05:45,230 --> 00:05:46,864
I got sidetracked by the wizard

128
00:05:46,866 --> 00:05:48,365
and I left it at the store.

129
00:05:48,367 --> 00:05:51,435
- Wizard?
- Should I just go back to the car? Okay.

130
00:05:54,472 --> 00:05:57,253
You forgot the diapers
and you're being arrested?

131
00:05:57,373 --> 00:05:59,165
Well, technically not arrested.

132
00:05:59,285 --> 00:06:01,792
I'm just being brought in for a urine test.

133
00:06:01,912 --> 00:06:04,864
I cannot believe you
are getting a night away.

134
00:06:05,442 --> 00:06:06,233
It...

135
00:06:06,353 --> 00:06:07,700
I'm going to jail.

136
00:06:07,716 --> 00:06:09,419
This is not a night away.

137
00:06:09,421 --> 00:06:11,021
You know, you always get the breaks.

138
00:06:11,023 --> 00:06:12,489
When it's your turn to
watch her, she sleeps.

139
00:06:12,491 --> 00:06:13,757
When it's your turn to feed her,

140
00:06:13,759 --> 00:06:15,625
she doesn't throw up in your mouth.

141
00:06:15,627 --> 00:06:17,627
When it's your turn to go on
a diaper run, you get arrested.

142
00:06:17,629 --> 00:06:19,250
When's it my turn?

143
00:06:19,271 --> 00:06:21,765
When's it... when... when's it Mommy's turn

144
00:06:21,767 --> 00:06:24,668
to catch a break, Greg?

145
00:06:24,670 --> 00:06:26,436
Greg?

146
00:06:27,706 --> 00:06:29,406
Oh, my God, did you just fall asleep?

147
00:06:29,408 --> 00:06:30,574
Greg!

148
00:06:30,576 --> 00:06:32,776
Greg!

149
00:06:32,778 --> 00:06:34,277
And now you woke the baby.

150
00:06:38,750 --> 00:06:41,384
And, uh, I'll take four
of those Wizard Fingers.

151
00:06:41,386 --> 00:06:43,953
You want one more? Make it a fist?

152
00:06:46,857 --> 00:06:49,025
Fist me.

153
00:06:50,749 --> 00:06:52,749
_

154
00:06:56,100 --> 00:06:58,468
Okay.

155
00:06:59,218 --> 00:07:00,010
Alright.

156
00:07:00,032 --> 00:07:02,038
Hey, babe, have you seen
my Motley Crue T-shirt?

157
00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:03,544
You know, the one that
used to scare Samantha

158
00:07:03,664 --> 00:07:05,413
- when she was little?
- Okay, honey, not now.

159
00:07:05,533 --> 00:07:07,380
Karen Jackson is in
charge of the school fair

160
00:07:07,401 --> 00:07:09,245
and I have to get this e-mail
to her within ten minutes

161
00:07:09,247 --> 00:07:11,414
or I'll be stuck at the petting zoo again,

162
00:07:11,416 --> 00:07:14,017
getting my crotch sniffed
by every barnyard animal.

163
00:07:14,019 --> 00:07:15,952
There's a lot more humping going on there

164
00:07:15,954 --> 00:07:18,087
than you'd expect. That goat
would take a run at anything.

165
00:07:18,089 --> 00:07:21,106
Mom, I'm hungry. Can you make
me a peanut butter and jelly?

166
00:07:21,226 --> 00:07:22,792
Tim, honey, can you make
her a sandwich, please?

167
00:07:22,794 --> 00:07:24,861
No. Daddy doesn't make them right.

168
00:07:24,863 --> 00:07:26,629
How do you make a peanut
butter and jelly wrong?

169
00:07:26,631 --> 00:07:29,365
You leave the crust on like
I'm some kind of animal.

170
00:07:29,367 --> 00:07:31,667
- You know, it's not too late to return you.
- Okay, you know what,

171
00:07:31,669 --> 00:07:33,169
I'll make you one later.
Just have an apple.

172
00:07:33,171 --> 00:07:35,471
Fine. But you know an apple

173
00:07:35,473 --> 00:07:37,440
is the lazy mother's snack.

174
00:07:37,442 --> 00:07:39,809
Mom, can you sign this permission slip?

175
00:07:39,811 --> 00:07:41,510
It's for an overnight trip to Joshua Tree.

176
00:07:41,512 --> 00:07:43,312
- Who's chaperoning?
- Kylie's mom.

177
00:07:43,314 --> 00:07:45,748
- Uh, no.
- Is it because she did porn?

178
00:07:45,750 --> 00:07:48,593
It wasn't, but it is now.

179
00:07:48,713 --> 00:07:50,427
Kylie's mom needs help?
I'll help Kylie's mom.

180
00:07:50,449 --> 00:07:51,387
You know what, we're-we're good.

181
00:07:51,389 --> 00:07:54,256
I'll-I'll text your teacher
and see who else is chaperoning.

182
00:07:54,258 --> 00:07:55,524
Hey, Mom, uh, can I borrow the car?

183
00:07:55,526 --> 00:07:56,826
Gabe and I are gonna go see a movie.

184
00:07:56,828 --> 00:07:57,560
Which movie?

185
00:07:57,562 --> 00:07:58,761
Does it matter?

186
00:07:58,763 --> 00:08:00,529
I'm 17. I can see what I want.

187
00:08:01,902 --> 00:08:03,188
It's Minions.

188
00:08:03,308 --> 00:08:05,386
If you can find the keys,
you can take the car.

189
00:08:05,803 --> 00:08:07,603
Okay, uh...

190
00:08:07,605 --> 00:08:09,939
"Tina's mom is also chaperoning."

191
00:08:09,941 --> 00:08:11,373
Who the hell is Tina?

192
00:08:11,375 --> 00:08:13,375
You know, dark hair,

193
00:08:13,377 --> 00:08:15,277
has glasses, good at archery...

194
00:08:15,279 --> 00:08:16,545
Mmm...

195
00:08:16,547 --> 00:08:17,813
Wheelchair.

196
00:08:17,815 --> 00:08:19,481
Oh, Tina.

197
00:08:19,483 --> 00:08:20,716
The one with great arms.

198
00:08:20,718 --> 00:08:22,684
Yes, I will sign this for you.

199
00:08:22,686 --> 00:08:24,853
Is there a general area it might be?

200
00:08:24,855 --> 00:08:26,690
'Cause this is just tampons and mouthwash.

201
00:08:26,792 --> 00:08:28,973
Sweety, I don't know, I
gotta get this e-mail out.

202
00:08:29,093 --> 00:08:30,592
Good luck.

203
00:08:30,594 --> 00:08:34,429
Why was my Crue shirt in the Goodwill bag?

204
00:08:34,431 --> 00:08:36,031
I... I don't know, honey, I mean,

205
00:08:36,033 --> 00:08:39,501
I-I guess I must have put
it in there accidentally.

206
00:08:39,503 --> 00:08:41,069
Oh! All right.

207
00:08:41,071 --> 00:08:42,704
I'm gonna check and make sure you didn't

208
00:08:42,706 --> 00:08:44,673
accidentally throw out
anything else valuable.

209
00:08:44,675 --> 00:08:46,208
They're retiring, you know.

210
00:08:46,210 --> 00:08:47,509
They're not going to be a band anymore.

211
00:08:47,511 --> 00:08:49,911
Home sweet home, my ass.

212
00:08:49,913 --> 00:08:51,346
I'm still hungry.

213
00:08:51,348 --> 00:08:52,914
The apple just made it worse.

214
00:08:52,916 --> 00:08:54,916
Who is that? We don't have any friends.

215
00:08:55,036 --> 00:08:57,730
Hi, I was wondering if you and
your family had five minutes

216
00:08:57,850 --> 00:08:58,987
to talk about the danger of factory farms.

217
00:08:58,989 --> 00:09:00,122
I'm really busy.

218
00:09:00,124 --> 00:09:01,423
It'll just take five minutes.

219
00:09:02,337 --> 00:09:03,557
Could you stretch that out to ten?

220
00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:05,502
Oh, I got a whole hour of material.

221
00:09:05,711 --> 00:09:06,459
Come on in, sister,

222
00:09:06,579 --> 00:09:07,262
- let's go.
- Really?

223
00:09:07,264 --> 00:09:08,697
This never happens.

224
00:09:08,699 --> 00:09:10,498
Okay, for the next ten minutes

225
00:09:10,500 --> 00:09:12,434
you three are going to sit here quietly

226
00:09:12,436 --> 00:09:13,668
and listen to...

227
00:09:13,670 --> 00:09:14,773
Kalliope.

228
00:09:15,973 --> 00:09:17,120
Kalliope.

229
00:09:17,652 --> 00:09:19,132
Did you... did you choose that name?

230
00:09:19,605 --> 00:09:21,461
Yes, I got to, on my 18th birthday, so...

231
00:09:21,581 --> 00:09:22,977
That's lovely.

232
00:09:23,274 --> 00:09:24,145
I am going to go send

233
00:09:24,147 --> 00:09:25,847
one e-mail. Okay?

234
00:09:25,849 --> 00:09:28,817
The only reason that you have
permission to call my name

235
00:09:28,819 --> 00:09:30,819
is if one of you is bleeding.

236
00:09:30,821 --> 00:09:31,653
Okay?

237
00:09:31,655 --> 00:09:32,954
I'm talking...

238
00:09:32,956 --> 00:09:34,189
a lot of blood.

239
00:09:34,191 --> 00:09:35,757
I-I'm talking like...

240
00:09:35,759 --> 00:09:37,292
it will affect the resale

241
00:09:37,294 --> 00:09:38,326
of this

242
00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:39,794
You understand? Look at me.

243
00:09:39,796 --> 00:09:41,996
You understand? Okay.

244
00:09:41,998 --> 00:09:44,198
Kalliope... you go ahead.

245
00:09:45,552 --> 00:09:47,602
So... speaking of bleeding,

246
00:09:48,057 --> 00:09:49,370
have you guys ever lived in a cage

247
00:09:49,372 --> 00:09:50,740
where you can't turn around?

248
00:09:51,241 --> 00:09:52,520
I once got trapped in a Murphy bed.

249
00:09:52,991 --> 00:09:55,750
I share a Murphy bed
with a guy named Kevin.

250
00:09:55,870 --> 00:09:57,412
He's a homeless youth.

251
00:09:58,614 --> 00:10:00,314
"And while I will miss

252
00:10:00,316 --> 00:10:03,151
the friendly farm animals,

253
00:10:03,153 --> 00:10:05,219
"I feel that, this year,
my time would best be spent

254
00:10:05,221 --> 00:10:07,421
bringing plastic forks."

255
00:10:07,423 --> 00:10:08,956
Send.

256
00:10:09,373 --> 00:10:10,458
"Error: network not found"?

257
00:10:10,460 --> 00:10:12,927
Tim, Tim, why, why is
the network not found?

258
00:10:12,929 --> 00:10:14,462
Maybe you gave it to Goodwill!

259
00:10:14,464 --> 00:10:16,564
Oh! I-I'm walking over to Mom and Dad's.

260
00:10:17,203 --> 00:10:18,291
Seriously, Heather?

261
00:10:18,313 --> 00:10:19,266
My Capri pants?

262
00:10:19,268 --> 00:10:20,683
I got these in Germany!

263
00:10:21,198 --> 00:10:22,067
Mom?

264
00:10:23,297 --> 00:10:24,372
Mom?

265
00:10:24,374 --> 00:10:25,539
I need your Wi-Fi password.

266
00:10:25,541 --> 00:10:27,007
Honey, I have to finish this book

267
00:10:27,009 --> 00:10:29,009
before the book club gets here.

268
00:10:29,011 --> 00:10:30,654
No, I-I have two minutes
to send this e-mail.

269
00:10:30,774 --> 00:10:31,812
I just need the Wi-Fi code.

270
00:10:31,814 --> 00:10:34,281
John, what the password to the computer?

271
00:10:34,283 --> 00:10:35,683
Yeah, the "wiffy"?

272
00:10:35,685 --> 00:10:36,242
Seven.

273
00:10:37,386 --> 00:10:38,586
Dad, it's not seven.

274
00:10:38,588 --> 00:10:39,735
No, I believe it's seven.

275
00:10:40,737 --> 00:10:41,473
What'd you do with

276
00:10:41,593 --> 00:10:42,656
those macadamia nuts?

277
00:10:42,658 --> 00:10:43,857
Honey, they're for the book club.

278
00:10:43,859 --> 00:10:45,259
Why only for the book club?

279
00:10:45,261 --> 00:10:46,727
Well, they're very expensive nuts.

280
00:10:46,729 --> 00:10:48,562
- Mom, we're out of macadamia nuts.
- No!

281
00:10:48,564 --> 00:10:49,830
- Those are very expensive.
- Mom-Mom!

282
00:10:49,832 --> 00:10:52,166
- Can you make me a vegan snack?
- Vegan?

283
00:10:52,168 --> 00:10:54,234
- We're vegan now.
- Well, you know what vegan is?

284
00:10:54,236 --> 00:10:55,636
No more grilled cheese.

285
00:10:55,638 --> 00:10:57,037
Okay, I'm not a vegan.

286
00:10:57,039 --> 00:10:58,705
Mom-Mom, can I have a grilled cheese?

287
00:10:58,707 --> 00:11:01,041
Grilled cheese does sound
really good right now.

288
00:11:01,043 --> 00:11:02,709
Mom-Mom making her famous grilled cheese?

289
00:11:02,711 --> 00:11:04,211
No, there's no bread left.

290
00:11:04,213 --> 00:11:05,813
I had, like, nine pieces
of toast for breakfast.

291
00:11:05,815 --> 00:11:08,182
- And, you know, the macadamia nuts.
- Damn it, Matt.

292
00:11:08,184 --> 00:11:09,416
Mom-Mom, can I borrow the car?

293
00:11:09,418 --> 00:11:11,285
Too late. Matt ate it.

294
00:11:11,287 --> 00:11:12,986
No, actually, I left
it at a bar last night.

295
00:11:12,988 --> 00:11:15,055
At least, I think that was a bar.

296
00:11:15,057 --> 00:11:16,690
You went to a bar last night?

297
00:11:16,692 --> 00:11:18,825
Come on. Come on, come on,
come on, give me something.

298
00:11:18,827 --> 00:11:20,994
Come on, come on, come on,
connect, connect, connect...

299
00:11:20,996 --> 00:11:23,263
Oh.What do you know? It is seven.

300
00:11:23,265 --> 00:11:25,632
Hey, you just got a
text from Karen Jackson.

301
00:11:26,401 --> 00:11:27,934
"Petting zoo.

302
00:11:27,936 --> 00:11:29,636
Oh, no!

303
00:11:29,638 --> 00:11:31,037
No! Why?

304
00:11:31,039 --> 00:11:33,473
I was so close. I did everything right.

305
00:11:33,475 --> 00:11:36,209
It's all right. I wrote
back, "New phone, who dis?"

306
00:11:36,211 --> 00:11:39,012
So, technically, she hasn't
assigned you anything.

307
00:11:39,014 --> 00:11:40,780
Go ahead. Send your e-mail.

308
00:11:41,873 --> 00:11:44,217
I am gonna rip those Capri
pants right off of your body,

309
00:11:44,219 --> 00:11:46,453
because you are my new hero.

310
00:11:46,455 --> 00:11:48,121
Well, why don't you remember
that next time you want

311
00:11:48,123 --> 00:11:49,956
to put something I love in the Goodwill?

312
00:11:49,958 --> 00:11:51,224
You're right.

313
00:11:51,226 --> 00:11:52,425
I'm sorry.

314
00:11:52,427 --> 00:11:53,660
It's okay.

315
00:11:53,662 --> 00:11:55,430
Every rose has its thorn.

316
00:11:58,756 --> 00:12:00,064
Hey, welcome aboard, Colleen!

317
00:12:00,086 --> 00:12:01,516
You know, we just throw our keys in a bowl

318
00:12:01,636 --> 00:12:02,735
and let fate decide.

319
00:12:05,459 --> 00:12:07,159
_

320
00:12:07,831 --> 00:12:09,832
Oh, man. Okay.

321
00:12:09,834 --> 00:12:11,089
All right. They got us
sitting in the middle.

322
00:12:11,209 --> 00:12:12,022
You sure you don't want to run?

323
00:12:12,142 --> 00:12:13,505
Okay, no, I'm cool. I got this.

324
00:12:13,625 --> 00:12:14,868
Okay. I, uh, I used to do pageants.

325
00:12:14,988 --> 00:12:17,000
- I got this, smile big and tighten my ass.
- Nice.

326
00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:18,475
- Mm-hmm, tell me what I need to know.
- Okay.

327
00:12:18,595 --> 00:12:20,849
Uh, winning over Mom and Dad
is the only thing that matters.

328
00:12:20,969 --> 00:12:22,211
- Okay.
- Now, if you start to panic,

329
00:12:22,213 --> 00:12:23,513
just ask my brother Greg

330
00:12:23,515 --> 00:12:24,277
or his wife Jen about their baby.

331
00:12:24,288 --> 00:12:25,508
They will talk for 45 minutes.

332
00:12:25,628 --> 00:12:27,183
Heather and Tim are gonna be easy, okay,

333
00:12:27,303 --> 00:12:28,600
because they need couples friends.

334
00:12:28,630 --> 00:12:29,801
Tim tends to scare people off

335
00:12:29,828 --> 00:12:31,608
- by making bad swinger jokes.
- Ooh. And the kids?

336
00:12:31,630 --> 00:12:33,641
The kids are great, but they're
a little bit like coyotes.

337
00:12:33,761 --> 00:12:35,725
You know, you see one and
it's cute, but suddenly there's

338
00:12:35,727 --> 00:12:37,651
three of them and you
realize that they've come down

339
00:12:37,771 --> 00:12:39,428
- out of the hills for food.
- Okay.

340
00:12:39,430 --> 00:12:40,772
- Yeah.
- You and me, let's do this.

341
00:12:40,892 --> 00:12:42,014
- All right. You ready?
- I am.

342
00:12:42,134 --> 00:12:43,223
Here we go.

343
00:12:43,668 --> 00:12:44,867
Hey, everybody!

344
00:12:44,869 --> 00:12:46,718
Oh, this is such a nice place!

345
00:12:46,838 --> 00:12:48,619
I've been bringing the
family here for years.

346
00:12:48,739 --> 00:12:49,718
Like our second home.

347
00:12:49,838 --> 00:12:50,949
Hey, welcome aboard, Colleen!

348
00:12:51,069 --> 00:12:52,790
You know, we just throw our keys in a bowl

349
00:12:52,910 --> 00:12:54,143
and let fate decide.

350
00:12:54,145 --> 00:12:54,679
There it is.

351
00:12:54,703 --> 00:12:56,803
Daddy, can I put my key in the bowl?

352
00:12:57,721 --> 00:12:59,105
No, sweetie.

353
00:12:59,468 --> 00:13:01,787
You can't even drive yet.

354
00:13:02,699 --> 00:13:05,287
Can I start anybody off with a cocktail?

355
00:13:05,289 --> 00:13:07,156
Oh. I'll take the usual.

356
00:13:07,958 --> 00:13:09,391
A-A beer?

357
00:13:10,695 --> 00:13:11,382
A-Ahh,

358
00:13:11,502 --> 00:13:13,929
I got these inside jokes with all of 'em.

359
00:13:13,931 --> 00:13:15,803
I don't... I don't know what you...

360
00:13:15,923 --> 00:13:18,770
Colleen, it is just so
lovely to have you here.

361
00:13:19,275 --> 00:13:21,836
It's really... it's just so lovely.

362
00:13:21,956 --> 00:13:23,705
- Oh.
- It really is.

363
00:13:23,707 --> 00:13:24,349
Thank you.

364
00:13:24,469 --> 00:13:25,601
We feel very lucky.

365
00:13:25,721 --> 00:13:27,261
My mom went over the top on you.

366
00:13:27,381 --> 00:13:29,338
You don't understand. T-That's huge.

367
00:13:29,458 --> 00:13:30,928
Her skin was so soft.

368
00:13:30,958 --> 00:13:32,453
I wish I had slippers made out of her.

369
00:13:32,573 --> 00:13:35,211
- Okay, nice job on the over the top.
- Right?

370
00:13:35,331 --> 00:13:37,662
Mean, she hasn't done that
since she met Springsteen.

371
00:13:37,782 --> 00:13:39,002
Well, it wasn't really Springsteen.

372
00:13:39,122 --> 00:13:40,607
It turned out to be a
lesbian in a denim jacket,

373
00:13:40,727 --> 00:13:43,494
- but she was still really excited.
- I hear you Jen but,

374
00:13:43,614 --> 00:13:45,978
I just don't think you
can say you've read a book

375
00:13:46,098 --> 00:13:48,297
if you've only listened
to the audio version.

376
00:13:48,417 --> 00:13:49,483
- I agree with...
- Uh!

377
00:13:49,813 --> 00:13:51,703
Don't ever get in the middle of an argument

378
00:13:51,823 --> 00:13:53,969
between Jen and Mom that
starts with "I hear you"

379
00:13:53,971 --> 00:13:55,950
The subtext is always "I'm
the one who loves Greg more."

380
00:13:56,473 --> 00:13:57,372
Okay.

381
00:14:02,711 --> 00:14:04,112
You're good. You're not that hungry.

382
00:14:04,129 --> 00:14:05,380
Do you want fruit?

383
00:14:05,382 --> 00:14:06,272
Sure.

384
00:14:09,352 --> 00:14:12,520
Aw, just stop joking around, will you?

385
00:14:12,522 --> 00:14:14,589
I don't...

386
00:14:14,591 --> 00:14:17,726
La famille Short, bonjour, tout le monde.

387
00:14:17,728 --> 00:14:19,671
- Bonjour.
- Ça va? Everything is good?

388
00:14:19,791 --> 00:14:21,132
Everything's wonderful.

389
00:14:21,252 --> 00:14:22,462
Tout est merveilleux.

390
00:14:22,582 --> 00:14:24,517
J'aime particulièrement les pâtisseries.

391
00:14:24,637 --> 00:14:26,066
Ooh, listen to her!

392
00:14:26,670 --> 00:14:28,703
Tu parles français et tu es ravissante.

393
00:14:28,705 --> 00:14:31,039
Merci, mais ton omelette
est bien meilleure.

394
00:14:31,041 --> 00:14:32,307
She's still going!

395
00:14:32,309 --> 00:14:34,342
Mangez, tout le monde.

396
00:14:37,947 --> 00:14:40,838
You're doing great. I have never
seen them be this nice to anybody,

397
00:14:40,958 --> 00:14:43,890
and Greg dated this girl
that was, like, 75% birthmark.

398
00:14:43,987 --> 00:14:44,737
- What?
- Yeah.

399
00:14:44,857 --> 00:14:45,573
Oh, my...

400
00:14:45,693 --> 00:14:46,891
- Keep it up.
- Okay.

401
00:14:47,323 --> 00:14:48,935
- Hi.
- You want to hear a joke?

402
00:14:49,199 --> 00:14:50,737
- Okay.
- What's brown and sticky?

403
00:14:50,857 --> 00:14:52,584
- I have no idea.
- A stick.

404
00:14:52,704 --> 00:14:54,179
Sophia, don't weird her out.

405
00:14:54,299 --> 00:14:55,432
Oh, no, it's fine.

406
00:14:55,552 --> 00:14:56,564
Just think of me like a friend.

407
00:14:56,684 --> 00:14:57,586
- Seriously?
- Yeah.

408
00:14:57,927 --> 00:14:59,685
Like a friend that might buy

409
00:14:59,805 --> 00:15:01,256
something for another friend

410
00:15:01,376 --> 00:15:02,520
that he can't buy himself?

411
00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:04,872
- Um...
- That's not cool, Tyler.

412
00:15:04,874 --> 00:15:06,908
- Oh.
- Can you buy me a thong?

413
00:15:09,478 --> 00:15:10,458
Oh!

414
00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:12,227
There's my Mai Tai!

415
00:15:13,729 --> 00:15:14,707
Mai Tai.

416
00:15:15,982 --> 00:15:17,245
You guys, I just have to say,

417
00:15:17,365 --> 00:15:19,320
you have made me feel so welcome.

418
00:15:19,322 --> 00:15:21,267
- Thank you.
- Oh...

419
00:15:21,387 --> 00:15:22,597
If you want to come back to our place,

420
00:15:22,717 --> 00:15:24,278
we're bubbling up some fondue.

421
00:15:25,294 --> 00:15:26,597
- Never gets old.
- Oh, honey.

422
00:15:26,717 --> 00:15:28,662
I like you, Colleen.

423
00:15:28,664 --> 00:15:29,959
You're so much more pleasant

424
00:15:30,079 --> 00:15:31,599
than Matt's first wife.

425
00:15:31,601 --> 00:15:32,700
Oh, yeah.

426
00:15:32,702 --> 00:15:33,223
Yeah.

427
00:15:33,233 --> 00:15:35,569
Oh, she was just the worst.

428
00:15:35,571 --> 00:15:37,531
Your first wife?

429
00:15:41,176 --> 00:15:43,644
Ah, man, I've had such a good time today.

430
00:15:47,777 --> 00:15:50,712
Oh, my God! Oh, my...

431
00:15:51,898 --> 00:15:53,227
- _
- The extra point makes it

432
00:15:53,229 --> 00:15:54,428
28 to nothing... Patriots.

433
00:15:55,282 --> 00:15:56,915
St. Louis looks traumatized.

434
00:15:56,917 --> 00:15:58,183
No!

435
00:15:58,303 --> 00:15:59,380
Is it possible

436
00:15:59,386 --> 00:16:01,633
to turn the sofa to face the television?

437
00:16:01,753 --> 00:16:03,964
Oh, no, there's an outlet there
we haven't babyproofed yet.

438
00:16:03,985 --> 00:16:05,633
I don't want to watch the Rams lose

439
00:16:05,655 --> 00:16:06,998
out of my peripheral vision.

440
00:16:07,118 --> 00:16:08,393
You can just move your head, Dad.

441
00:16:08,395 --> 00:16:09,461
You could just move your couch.

442
00:16:09,463 --> 00:16:10,405
Hey, babe.

443
00:16:10,647 --> 00:16:12,797
- Tree guy's coming on Tuesday.
- Shh.

444
00:16:12,799 --> 00:16:14,899
Your mother does realize
this is our house, right?

445
00:16:14,901 --> 00:16:17,202
- Tree guy?
- Yeah, what's wrong with your tree?

446
00:16:17,204 --> 00:16:18,663
- Oh, bark beetles. You gotta chop 'em down.
- Yeah.

447
00:16:18,714 --> 00:16:20,864
- Oh no.
- And you called "a tree guy"?

448
00:16:20,984 --> 00:16:21,775
No, I texted him.

449
00:16:21,797 --> 00:16:24,275
First of all, a tree
is not cut, it's felled.

450
00:16:24,277 --> 00:16:26,742
A-and you don't just text a guy.

451
00:16:26,862 --> 00:16:29,226
I gave you that Sawzall for
your birthday. Go get it.

452
00:16:29,346 --> 00:16:31,115
Oh, um, yeah.

453
00:16:31,117 --> 00:16:33,518
We exchanged that, um,

454
00:16:33,895 --> 00:16:35,155
for that espresso machine.

455
00:16:35,275 --> 00:16:37,639
Well, not that expresso machine.

456
00:16:37,759 --> 00:16:38,827
That-That's a new one.

457
00:16:38,947 --> 00:16:40,673
- It came with a remote control.
- Oh, cool.

458
00:16:40,793 --> 00:16:41,738
- Yeah, but we lost it.
- Oh...

459
00:16:41,858 --> 00:16:42,927
"We."

460
00:16:42,929 --> 00:16:44,862
I haven't been this disappointed

461
00:16:44,864 --> 00:16:48,946
since you wanted that
magician doll last Christmas.

462
00:16:49,066 --> 00:16:50,201
It's a Darth Vader action figure.

463
00:16:50,203 --> 00:16:53,144
It had a cape and a magic wand and...

464
00:16:53,264 --> 00:16:55,039
- It's a lightsaber, Dad.
- Hey.

465
00:16:55,041 --> 00:16:57,764
- Hey, Dad.
- Hi... John.

466
00:16:58,258 --> 00:17:00,444
Hey, hey, hey, hey!

467
00:17:00,446 --> 00:17:01,846
We brought da beers!

468
00:17:01,848 --> 00:17:02,947
Shut up!

469
00:17:02,949 --> 00:17:05,316
Oh, the Rams are losing, huh?

470
00:17:05,318 --> 00:17:06,584
Raised boys...

471
00:17:07,015 --> 00:17:08,252
who can't...

472
00:17:08,774 --> 00:17:09,787
do anything.

473
00:17:13,392 --> 00:17:15,303
Can't believe I've never
tried espresso before.

474
00:17:15,423 --> 00:17:17,338
It smells so good. It's rich and foamy.

475
00:17:20,742 --> 00:17:21,799
You just have the one bathroom, right?

476
00:17:21,801 --> 00:17:23,434
Yeah.

477
00:17:23,436 --> 00:17:24,835
Should we go help Dad

478
00:17:24,837 --> 00:17:26,403
or should we have another espresso?

479
00:17:26,728 --> 00:17:28,138
If I can find the remote,

480
00:17:28,140 --> 00:17:29,522
we can do both.

481
00:17:30,124 --> 00:17:32,014
Heather, could you come here, please?

482
00:17:35,318 --> 00:17:37,473
This used to be a do-it-yourself country.

483
00:17:37,593 --> 00:17:38,549
Generation App.

484
00:17:38,669 --> 00:17:39,823
That's what you boys are.

485
00:17:39,943 --> 00:17:41,151
Hey, you want to see an app?

486
00:17:42,197 --> 00:17:43,954
Here's an app.

487
00:17:43,956 --> 00:17:46,323
You use it when you can't find your nuts.

488
00:17:50,528 --> 00:17:51,828
- Ow!
- Yeah!

489
00:17:51,830 --> 00:17:53,664
- How'd that feel?
- It hurt.

490
00:17:53,666 --> 00:17:54,932
So do tattoos, but you've still got

491
00:17:54,934 --> 00:17:56,969
that stupid dolphin on your hip.

492
00:17:56,993 --> 00:17:58,993
Most intelligent creatures of the sea.

493
00:18:00,577 --> 00:18:01,895
There you go, Flipper.

494
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:03,873
Oh...

495
00:18:04,247 --> 00:18:06,076
- You want me to take Lark?
- No.

496
00:18:06,078 --> 00:18:08,530
They made a first down
since I've been holding her.

497
00:18:08,650 --> 00:18:10,213
You've been holding her for an hour.

498
00:18:10,215 --> 00:18:11,648
Boy, that was...

499
00:18:11,650 --> 00:18:13,650
Just over nine minutes to go...

500
00:18:15,753 --> 00:18:16,720
Ah!

501
00:18:16,722 --> 00:18:18,255
- Ah...
- Hey, hey, hey, man.

502
00:18:18,257 --> 00:18:20,457
- L-Let me rock that.
- Yeah, get in on that.

503
00:18:21,439 --> 00:18:22,450
Aah!

504
00:18:22,659 --> 00:18:23,693
- Whoa!
- Yeah!

505
00:18:23,695 --> 00:18:25,065
Oh, hell yes.

506
00:18:25,185 --> 00:18:26,029
Thought I broke it.

507
00:18:26,031 --> 00:18:27,263
Hey, guys, I have to run home

508
00:18:27,265 --> 00:18:28,531
and get Tim a clean pair of pants.

509
00:18:28,533 --> 00:18:29,966
So if you...

510
00:18:30,639 --> 00:18:31,606
And shoes.

511
00:18:31,726 --> 00:18:32,335
Um...

512
00:18:33,056 --> 00:18:34,287
Anybody need anything?

513
00:18:34,309 --> 00:18:36,039
Oh, I-I got a chain saw in my shed.

514
00:18:36,041 --> 00:18:37,907
Yeah! Yeah, chain saw!

515
00:18:37,909 --> 00:18:40,143
Okay. And, uh, is it okay with you

516
00:18:40,145 --> 00:18:42,178
if Tim uses your shower?

517
00:18:42,566 --> 00:18:44,013
'Cause he's already in it, so...

518
00:18:44,015 --> 00:18:45,815
just... thank you.

519
00:18:45,817 --> 00:18:47,483
Okay.

520
00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:49,052
All right, boys, let's do this.

521
00:18:57,840 --> 00:19:00,004
♪ Where have all the good men gone ♪

522
00:19:00,124 --> 00:19:03,014
♪ And where are all the gods? ♪

523
00:19:03,714 --> 00:19:06,235
♪ Where's the streetwise Hercules ♪

524
00:19:06,237 --> 00:19:09,439
♪ To fight the rising odds? ♪

525
00:19:10,363 --> 00:19:12,157
♪ Racing on the thunder ♪

526
00:19:13,123 --> 00:19:15,980
♪ And rising with the heat ♪

527
00:19:17,024 --> 00:19:19,282
♪ It's gonna take a superman ♪

528
00:19:19,284 --> 00:19:22,451
♪ To sweep me off my feet ♪

529
00:19:22,453 --> 00:19:24,987
♪ I need a hero ♪

530
00:19:24,989 --> 00:19:26,856
♪ I'm holding out for a hero ♪

531
00:19:26,858 --> 00:19:28,291
♪ Till the end of the night ♪

532
00:19:29,105 --> 00:19:30,665
♪ He's got to be strong ♪

533
00:19:30,687 --> 00:19:32,358
♪ And he's got to be fast ♪

534
00:19:32,478 --> 00:19:35,531
♪ And he's got to be
fresh from the fight ♪

535
00:19:35,533 --> 00:19:37,800
♪ I need a hero ♪

536
00:19:37,802 --> 00:19:39,468
♪ I'm holding out for a hero ♪

537
00:19:39,470 --> 00:19:41,837
♪ Till the morning light ♪

538
00:19:41,839 --> 00:19:43,172
♪ He's got to be sure ♪

539
00:19:43,174 --> 00:19:45,541
♪ And it's got to be soon ♪

540
00:19:45,543 --> 00:19:48,043
♪ And he's got to be larger than life ♪

541
00:19:48,045 --> 00:19:49,879
♪ I need a hero ♪

542
00:19:50,481 --> 00:19:52,615
♪ I'm holding out for a hero ♪

543
00:19:52,617 --> 00:19:54,350
♪ Till the morning light ♪

544
00:19:54,352 --> 00:19:56,452
♪ He's got to be sure ♪

545
00:19:56,454 --> 00:19:58,120
♪ And it's got to be soon ♪

546
00:19:58,122 --> 00:20:00,189
♪ And he's got to be larger than life ♪

547
00:20:01,001 --> 00:20:02,814
♪ I need a hero. ♪

548
00:20:05,302 --> 00:20:06,669
I would've helped you guys,

549
00:20:06,671 --> 00:20:07,770
but I had to save these hands.

550
00:20:07,890 --> 00:20:09,254
Got a bunch of surgeries this week.

551
00:20:09,737 --> 00:20:11,199
Also, full disclosure...

552
00:20:12,161 --> 00:20:14,377
had some tummy trouble today, so...

553
00:20:15,078 --> 00:20:15,727
Yeah, well,

554
00:20:15,847 --> 00:20:17,562
good work out there today, boys.

555
00:20:17,958 --> 00:20:20,057
Feels good to do something
yourself, doesn't it?

556
00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:21,309
Hey, uh, meatball me.

557
00:20:21,584 --> 00:20:22,035
Yeah.

558
00:20:22,287 --> 00:20:23,386
I-It did feel good.

559
00:20:23,506 --> 00:20:25,807
I mean, you know I feel just terrible,

560
00:20:25,927 --> 00:20:27,456
but it felt good.

561
00:20:27,576 --> 00:20:30,412
Well, you boys left it
all out there on the field.

562
00:20:30,532 --> 00:20:32,005
- Honey, you got a little something there.
- Yep.

563
00:20:32,324 --> 00:20:33,533
Me and my boys.

564
00:20:33,895 --> 00:20:35,093
Heather, too.

565
00:20:35,456 --> 00:20:36,429
She-She's here.

566
00:20:36,549 --> 00:20:38,495
I gotta admit, that was fun.

567
00:20:38,615 --> 00:20:39,957
I've never chopped down a tree before.

568
00:20:40,231 --> 00:20:41,682
You still haven't.

569
00:20:43,363 --> 00:20:45,284
Tree guy's coming on Tuesday.

570
00:20:45,734 --> 00:20:49,174
And your chiropractor
appointment is for Wednesday.

571
00:20:49,521 --> 00:20:51,161
Synced and corrected by Octavia
- www.addic7ed.com -