♪ They say time will wait for no man
♪ They say time is on my side
♪ I can never make my mind up
♪ Cos it all goes whizzing by
♪ From the cradle to the grave
♪ From the cradle
♪ To the grave ♪ I know I won't be a slave
♪ I know I won't
♪ Be a slave ♪ To the mistakes that I've made
♪ From the cradle ♪ I won't go
♪ Till I'm ready
♪ From the cradle to the grave
♪ BRIAN PROTHEROE: Pinball
Ripped By mstoll
♪ And I've run out of pale ale
♪ And I feel like I'm in jail...
(Boisterous shouting)
Oi! Shut your row up this time of night!
♪ And I've been on the pinball...
I don't know.
♪ And I no longer know it all
♪ They say that you never know when you're insane
♪ Got fleas in my bedroom
♪ Got flies in my bathroom
- Who was you shoutin' at? - Load of yobbos out the back.
- Keepin' your cap on? - You what?
Oh, Gawd.
There you go.
What was you doin' out there anyway?
I thought I heard someone throwing a wallet over the back wall.
So, are we goin' to sleep or what?
217 invites we sent out for this wedding.
How many do you reckon came back yes?
- Did you hear what I said? - Fred, I'm busy.
Gawd, I might as well put me cap back on.
216... out of 217.
So that's all your severance pay from the dock gone.
Oh, well, that's what it's there for.
What are we gonna do after the wedding? What are we gonna do for money then?
Who's the one that ain't coming?
Oh, it's all right, it's one of mine. Keith Stepney, driver from work.
Do I know him?
Wife left him for the boxer.
Oh, him, that long ponce. His wife might have left him but his wallet never has.
Spent a night with him in the pub. He never bought one!
- Oh, Fred, he's a lovely bloke. - (Scoffs) Is he?
Is that why his missus is doing 15 rounds with another geezer?
His Sandra's gettin' married the same day as Sharon.
Well... good luck to anyone going to that.
They'll probably toast the bride with tap water.
- (Door closes) - That's Michael home.
(Exhales deeply)
Well, at least tap water goes round.
We'll have the best of everything, girl, don't you worry about that.
Your husband is in the Royal Division Of Commissionaires, we live to serve.
♪ We are the soldiers of the queen, my lad - (Chuckles)
Oh, stop singing that. Stop it.
You ain't in 'em yet.
And you won't be neither unless you can get hold of somebody else's bleedin' war record.
I've got that under control. It's as good as in me hand.
Yeah, well, I've got a good idea what you've got in your hand right now
and I don't trust that neither.
Now, that has seen some action.
(They laugh)
- Whoa! - Fred!
SPUD: Down from under set hanging!
(Spud chuckles)
DANNY: In common with all council house lighting of the 1970s,
it was like a night game at Wembley Stadium in my bedroom.
And my brother Michael saw it as his duty to wake me up when he came in from the pub.
Danny.
- Psst! - (Coins clink)
(Murmurs)
I got a little present for yeh.
I bought you a bowl of winkles.
And here's a pin to get 'em out with.
- Five... four... - What the? What's that? Get off!
...three... two... - Get off!
...one!
- What the bleedin' hell's goin' on? - He's got a bomb!
- A bomb? - It ain't a bomb.
Oh! Oh, my good Gawd!
- Have you been out with Peter Tulloch? - Yeah. How do you know?
Peter found it by the railway line. They've been frightening everyone down the Red Cow with it.
- You took a hand grenade into a pub? - It's a dud. And it ain't mine anyway.
- How do you know it's a dud? - We pulled the pin out,
threw it and nothing happened. Peter reckons it come off a film set.
Give it back to him, just get rid of it.
What's goin' on in here? I could have been fast a-kip!
Were you makin' all that noise round the back?
Yeah, that was Nitty Knight. Lobbed his wallet over the wall.
What did I tell you? Nothin' else sounds like it.
- He's brought home a hand grenade. - What?
Well, you, don't be bringing home no hand grenades.
And you, stop being a grass.
And settle down! He's got school in the mornin'.
DANNY: Ah, yes. School.
I still hadn't quite got round to telling me mum and dad I'd left.
MICHAEL: Don't forget your alarm clock.
DANNY: In order to join the Royal Division Of Commissionaires,
Dad needed to be able to produce a good war record.
Unfortunately, his own was mostly stamped with the initials: AWOL.
Hello? Jean? Apple tart.
No?
All right, apple pie?
No?
Apples and pears.
Look, Jean, it's Spud.
What is the poxy password?
Toffee apple. Right.
Toffee apple, then. I'm coming round.
DANNY: He'd heard that the brother of a small-time local villain
called Shaky Young had recently died, and he sensed an opening.
Who is it?
For fuck's sake, Jean, I just put the phone down to yeh.
Come in, Freddie.
DANNY: Shaky was officially on the run after escaping from the nick.
Everybody... everybody knew where he was hiding out.
But nobody was allowed to tell him that.
- Is he in? - What do you think?
He's been up there 14 months now, Fred.
He only had three left on his sentence.
(Buzzes)
- What's that? - (Two buzzes)
He has to have his routine. Good job I'm his sister, no wife would stand for it.
- (Buzzes three times) - That's ridiculous.
Are you comin' down?
Fuck off.
Go on.
What, you?
(Exhales deeply)
I don't need this.
You all right?
- Help me, help me! - Go on!
Shaky, meet me half way!
- Try doing this with a plate of food in your hand! - Argh!
♪ ELTON JOHN: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road
♪ When are you gonna come down?
♪ When are you going to land?
♪ I should have stayed on the farm
♪ I should have listened to my old man
How'd you find me?
- You what? - Who give me up? Was it Bill Drake?
- What? - Jimmy Martin?
- Eric Hannon? - No.
Micky Benacki? Gary Wiltshire?
Frankie Wilkinson? Terry Butt?
Bertie Burkett?
- Fuckin' hell, who don't know you're up here? - It's a select band, Spud.
- Only those who need to know. Who was it? - No-one told me.
Spud, I need a name, or you can go home right now.
- Was it Freddie Jones? - No, it was...
...Teddy Williams! - Teddy Williams!
That grass. I knew it.
That no-good, bean-spillin' ba...
- Hang on. Who's Teddy Williams? - I don't know, I just made the name up.
It don't matter, Shaky, honest. Your secret's safe with me.
I just come over here to talk to you about something.
You tell that Teddy Williams I don't like grasses.
I may be stuck up here, but my reach is long.
I just come to say I'm sorry to hear about your Billy passin' away.
Billy.
Broke my heart.
We was close up until our 20s.
And then, all of sudden, he's gone straight.
Got a job on the cards.
Moved to a big house in Cockfosters.
None of us could understand what went wrong.
Yeah, well, that's what money does to some people, Shake.
- (Clatter) - Oh, for fuck's sake. What's that?
- That's me wash bucket. - Oh, right.
Thank Gawd for that.
- Where's the... other one? - It's up there.
What's it doin' up there?
I kept kickin' it over and Jeanie sleeps underneath.
- How can you live like this? - Like what?
Stuck up here in the pitch black for 14 months.
Can't go nowhere, can't see no-one, do anything.
Bangin' your head on a bucket of shit every ten minutes.
Spud, I value my freedom.
(Sighs)
So, will you be going to Billy's funeral?
No, I can't risk it.
It was my birthday last week, I never even come down for that.
Your birthday? It's the same as mine, February.
- Eh? Where are we now, then? - June.
March, April, May, June...
Oh, right, it's a Leap Year.
It'll be hard them putting Billy in the ground without me bein' there, but what can I do?
There's reward money out for me, Spud, did you know that?
You tell that Teddy Williams if anything happens to me I know who to come lookin' for.
Look, if you could go to Billy's funeral, would you go?
Oh, I'd give anything to go. Anything.
Yeah. Well, there might be something we can do here, Shaky.
Your Billy, he, er...
- he fought in Aden, didn't he? - Yeah.
He's got medals and everything. He was mentioned in dispatches twice.
DANNY: It had been a week since I'd left school to start a hot romance with my teacher.
The amazing Miss Blondel.
But she'd made no attempt to contact me. It was as if I'd imagined the whole thing.
Now, this is a photo.
- "Young man at a crossroads". - (Camera shutter clicks)
- Still interested in photography, Danny? - Oh, yes, miss.
(Sighs) I was just walking about, taking some shots.
- That was awkward last week. - What?
You turning up at school and asking me to lunch in front of my class.
I didn't mean nothing by it.
I told you before, Danny, school is out of bounds.
Out here, of course, things are different.
- Oh, are they, miss? - Yes.
For a start, I'm not Miss, I'm Louise, OK?
- Hey, Danny. - Hello, Louise.
- How do you do? - Yeah, good.
Your parents don't know you have left school, do they?
Yeah.
No.
Did you come into school especially to see me?
No.
(Sighs) Yeah.
Well, now that you are your own man...
What are you doing on Saturday?
Saturday? Er, nothing.
Why don't you come over? We can look through some of my photo albums.
Stay over if you like.
- Stay over, where? - My place.
Mark used to.
Er... yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, erm... Yeah, that'd be... Yeah.
- I'll take that as a yes. - Yeah.
See you there.
♪ YES: And You And I
♪ A man conceived a moment's answers to the dream
SHAW TAYLOR ON TV: I've got three interesting items to show you
from the stolen goods list, starting off with a break-in in Bethnal Green...
- Dad, there's someone here to see you. - Yeah?
It's a policeman.
- All right, Kenny, son? - All right, I suppose.
She was panicking then. (Chuckles)
Sit down. I just wanna see what he's sayin' here.
- Do you watch this? - Yeah.
So, if anyone offers you cheap bottles of Chanel perfume in the Croydon area,
do please get in touch...
- Do you know anythin' about that in Croydon? - No, it's news to me.
We've just had some of that, erm, Taboo come in.
You know, the old parfum de toilet.
Oh, yeah? That's a bit of a drop off from Chanel, innit?
How about this? 10,000 Embassy Tipped. He was talking about those earlier in Romford.
It does ring a bell. I'll have to have a little look in the incident book.
Well, keep 'em peeled, eh?
...or you saw anything... - You get some good tips off this programme.
Shouldn't really drink on duty but, er, I do.
- So what do you want then, Spud? - I need a favour, Kenny.
Shaky Young.
Your lot still after him?
Nah. We're happy with him up in his sister's loft.
What, so you know where he is, then?
Blimey, Spud, who don't? He's out of harm's way up there.
What with Jeanie doin' his meals, he's saving the nation 40 quid a week.
(Chuckles) Yeah, I suppose.
What if he was to turn up at his brother's funeral?
- What do you mean? - Well,
if he was to come down from the loft, go to the funeral and back up afterwards,
would you be all right with that?
- Yeah, if there was a drink in it. - I'll sort you out, Ken. Always do, don't I?
A consignment of Teacher's Whisky that never made it to its destination in...
There you are. You like Scotch, don't you?
Yeah.
♪ THE SPINNERS: Could It Be I'm Falling In Love
- Are you pushin' in again? - What you gonna do about it?
- (Chuckles) - Here, sorry I can't come to Sharon's wedding.
Oh, well, you've got a good enough excuse.
Can't be helped your Sandra's gettin' married the same day. That's fate, mate.
So you forgive me?
- You can have the last bit of gammon. - Go on then, you're forgiven.
- How's all the arrangements going? - Yeah, fine, Keith.
216 comin'.
Just got to find the money to pay for it now.
We've got 46.
Sounds like I've come off light.
- That include Marion? - No.
No, she still don't want nothing to do with me and Sandra.
- Oh. - Oh, it's all right.
Sometimes I wish I had someone there for all the feminine stuff.
You know, them centre-piece thingies for the tables, place settings an' that.
I try me best, but what do blokes know about cake ribbons?
Oh, that's the fun part, Keith. I love all that sort of stuff.
I'll give you a hand with it, if you want.
- Are you being serious? Yeah, yeah, if it'd help you out.
Oi, don't you go gettin' me fat.
♪ ERIC CLAPTON: Layla
Oh, hi.
Come in.
(Song playing in background)
Oh, yeah, this is great.
Thank you. Sit down. I've done us some lunch.
- Dinner! - (Chuckles)
DANNY: I'd landed on another planet,
as far away from Pyrex and Formica as I could possibly get.
(♪ Solid Air plays)
It felt a bit intimidating, but I was determined to show this was absolutely my scene.
Oh, is that OK for you there?
- Oh, yeah, it's fine. I'm not shocked. - By what?
- Well, I've had marijuana before. - I hadn't.
Marijuana? Is that what it is?
Yeah. Dope.
You know, junk.
It's a joss-stick. It's an air freshener.
It's... it's not in a tin?
- Your plate. - Thanks.
- Et voilà. - Thanks a lot.
DANNY: Well, I'd never seen an arrangement like this in my life.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
Mm!
DANNY: I thought, well, the bread and cheese was fine,
I could make that into a sandwich.
But what was the apple doing there?
- Are you not having any apple? - Oh, yeah.
Didn't see that there.
Pissin' hell, Jean, how much longer?
Took him half an hour to get down the first three rungs of the ladder this mornin'.
- Your problem is you let him have his... - Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go, go, go? We've been standin' here 20 minutes!
SHAKY: Go! Go!
Go! Go!
What's the best way from here, Freddie?
Erm, I'd go up Stitchbury Lane, turn right at The Grapes on the corner.
Go! Go!
The Grapes? Which one's that?
You know the Grapes. Sid Harris used to have it.
Used to be The Horn Of Plenty. His wife left him for a Turk.
Go! Go!
(Engine starts)
SPUD: He's in Marbella now.
JEAN: Shut up.
SPUD: No, he went over there, opened a place about two years ago.
SHAKY: Go!
♪ SQUEEZE: Everything
♪ What makes me special
♪ I'm not too sure
♪ I think
♪ We're really all the same
♪ It's not the devil at my door
♪ That I should try to blame
- I can't see any Old Bill, Spud. - No, that's cos I've thrown 'em off the scent.
He's told 'em I'm in Argentina.
They've got half the Met out covering all the airports
waiting for me to fly in, and I'm here all along! Genius.
- What's this Teddy Williams look like? - I guarantee he won't be here.
I like it, Spud. Wide open space. Plenty of people.
A funeral, the perfect cover.
It is a funeral. They're putting your brother down the hole.
Perfect.
- Argentina? - Don't knock it.
He goes to the funeral, I get Billy's war record, we all go home happy.
- All right, Spud? - All right, Kenny?
- Come to pay your respects? - Nah, I've come to pick up my Scotch.
It's in the boot of the car.
- Let's get this done first, eh? KENNY: All right.
When all this is over, I want him straight back up in that attic.
Don't worry, he's a good boy.
VICAR: In Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
- You all right, mate? - Yeah.
Hello, Shaky.
- Coo-ee, Shaky! - Hello, Shaky.
How you doing, Shaky?
I think they think you're Shaky.
Yeah.
Bloody hell! Barb's here.
- Who? - Barbara. My little Barb.
- Hello, Shaky. - Good to see you, Shaky.
- Hello, Shaky. - It's me! Shaky.
Well, I didn't think it was Billy.
- How are you, sexy? - All right.
- What are you doin' here? - I wanted to see you again.
It's been a long time, Shaky.
And I'm a single woman again now. Got divorced last year. Finally.
- But how did you know I'd be here? - Everyone knew you was gonna be here.
What d'you mean everyone?
I went to the Red Cow, they was all talking about it.
Then to the Lilliput, and they was all talking about it. Then up the Southwark Park Tavern,
and cos they was all talkin' about it, I came to see you.
- But everyone thinks I'm in Argentina. - Argentina?
You ain't gone round the twist up in Jeanie's loft, have you?
- What, you know about the loft? - Everyone knows about the loft.
What is it, 14 months now? I was beginnin' to wonder if you was ever comin' down.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
(Mourners groan)
- So you all know where I've been? - Yeah.
- Yeah, of course we do.
This is choice.
Go on, have a right good fucking laugh, everyone.
It's only been 14 months of my life.
Have a right good giggle.
- Why didn't you tell me, Spud? - I tried, Shaky, I tried.
Shaky on the run! A big laugh.
You think I can't go on the run?
Watch this! I'm Shaky Young!
I'm Shaky Young!
- I'm Shaky Young! - Steady on!
- I'm Shaky Young! - You'd better go and get him, Spud.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
♪ JOE COCKER: Feelin' Alright - Where's he going?
- I'm Shaky Young! - Shaky! Come back here!
♪ Every night I have the strangest dreams
♪ Someone locked the door and took the key
♪ Feelin' alright
♪ I'm not feeling too good myself
♪ Feelin' alright
♪ I'm not feeling that good myself
STEREO: ♪ NICK DRAKE: Time Has Told Me
(Song finishes)
♪ CAT STEVENS: Morning Has Broken
Can you get me another glass, angel?
♪ Morning has broken...
DANNY: I'd always been reasonably confident with girls.
But this wasn't a girl.
- Danny Baker, are you trying to get me drunk? - No.
This was a woman.
An experienced, proper, grown-up woman.
- (Sighs) Cat Stevens is so great, isn't he? - Yeah, he's terrific.
A woman who, at some point in the evening, had taken her drawers off.
♪ ... for them springing
♪ Fresh from the world
- (Explosion) - What was that?
DANNY: Right, remember my brother's hand grenade?
Well, earlier that week he did give it back, like Mum had asked,
to his mate, Peter Tulloch.
Come on, you. Up you get.
What's that?
- Oh, it's all right, it's a dud. - I don't care, I don't want it in the house.
Mum, I just told you!
Bleedin' bomb in the house? What's it comin' to, eh?
DANNY: Now apparently, compost undergoes a chemical reaction as it starts to rot.
It can actually get quite hot.
So if you drop it on top of a hand grenade that everyone thinks is a dud, but actually isn't,
well, after a couple of days...
♪ BACHMAN-TURNER OVERDRIVE: Takin' Care Of Business
- (Explosion) - What the bastard hell was that?
Spud! We're under attack!
Shaky! I been lookin for you all night. Where you been?
Sorry, mate, it all got on top of me.
I suppose I just cracked up.
- It's aliens! - Aliens?
That's number 52! That's the Tullochs.
(Shouting)
MISS BLONDEL: Seems to be from over your way.
Yeah. Yeah, it does.
Listen, I'm... I'm gonna go.
Yes... maybe you should.
DANNY: It's possible the whole thing had been a big game of bluff on her part.
But, as I retreated, tail between my legs,
I realised that where sex education was concerned, it was back to school for me.
I kept on knocking but there was nobody in.
I don't know where Bet is. She should have been well home by now.
I've made a right idiot of myself, an't I, Spud?
Nah, nah. No more than Benny Warriss.
Did you hear about that?
Jumped over the wall at Parkhurst straight into an open sewer.
They stuck him in solitary just cos of the smell. (Chuckles)
- (Door opens) - Hello?
She's here now.
Oh, hello, Shaky! Shouldn't you be back up in your penthouse?
Well, you can have too much of a good thing, Bet.
- Where have you been? - I told you, I was on lates.
- You said you were on earlies. - No, lates. I said lates.
- But you went out early this morning. - Yeah, well, I had to go and get me hair done.
But they, they, they couldn't fit me in, so...
Anyway, I'm knackered. I'm gonna go straight up.
- Night, Shaky. - Night, Bet.
See you in a bit.
- All right if I kip on your settee? - Yeah.
I'll turn meself in, in the morning.
- (Thud) - Shaky, you dropped your wallet.
Oh, cheers, Spud.
♪ CREAM: I Feel Free - 'Ere.
I've had an idea.
Instead of you turnin' yourself in tomorrow, what if I was to do it?
Eh?
- Hello, Spud! Come and sit here. - Are you sure?
Yeah, I'm just going. You can have him all to yourself.
- See you later. - Bye, darlin'.
- See you next week. - Ta-ta.
- See you, Barbara, love. - Bye, darling.
Mind how you go. So, have you settled in?
I'm struggling to get used to all this open space.
Have to get yourself a dog. Take it for a walk round E Wing.
- Did you get your reward money yet? - Yeah, I picked it up this morning.
They were fuckin' furious! Nothin' they can do though, I was the one that brought you in.
Two and a half grand round to Jeanie's, I kept a monkey for meself.
- You're happy with that? - I was happy with the war record.
Thanks for that, by the way. So, you and Barbara, you're back on, are you?
- Oh, she's an angel. - That's nice.
- What you got? Three months left, is it? - Three days.
What do you mean three days?
- I'm havin' it on me toes again. - What?
Well, this reward money stroke. If it works once, it can work again and again.
- But you can't go back up Jeanie's attic. - Never you mind about Jeanie's attic.
Barbara.
She's got a cellar.
♪ They say time will wait for no man
♪ They say time is on my side
♪ I can never make my mind up
♪ Cos it all goes whizzing by
♪ From the cradle to the grave
♪ From the cradle
♪ To the grave ♪ I know I won't be a slave
♪ I know I won't...
Ripped By mstoll