1 00:00:02,040 --> 00:00:04,230 'Here at Somerville Fertility Clinic 2 00:00:04,280 --> 00:00:07,030 we pride ourselves on helping you to start a family.' 3 00:00:07,080 --> 00:00:10,270 - Ready for the briefing? - On my way. 4 00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:13,190 - 'Replace the carefully prepared donor sperm...' - Oh, whoops. 5 00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:15,230 - Shh! - '.. into your uterus 6 00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:17,630 close to the time of ovulation. 7 00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:21,200 The freshly harvested sperm is inserted directly...' 8 00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:25,750 Do you want me to pretend I didn't hear that? 9 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:27,590 No, no. I'm not ashamed. 10 00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:30,430 I'm embracing my situation, I'm going solo. 11 00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:32,230 Bloody good for you, Trish! 12 00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:35,070 It's not ideal, getting pregnant without a sexual partner. 13 00:00:35,120 --> 00:00:37,750 It's a bit like... sausage and mash without the mash. 14 00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:40,140 Oh, without the sausage, surely! 15 00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:43,670 Because it's like a willy. 16 00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:47,830 Oh, yes! Yes, very good. Like a willy. 17 00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:50,270 No, no. It's fine. You know, you've got to laugh. 18 00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:53,720 I'm buying sperm. I've got to suck it up and take it on the chin. 19 00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:07,590 Yeah, but mate, you haven't given me much notice. 20 00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:10,470 - 'Because I just found out.' - But who am I gonna get to move in? 21 00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:12,510 - 'I don't know, someone.' - Oh... 22 00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:15,630 'Listen, I'm moving my stuff this week. You can give me a hand.' 23 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:18,550 Look, I'll... I'll call you later. OK, bye. 24 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:21,830 - You all right, my love? - Mm. Fine thanks, Janette. 25 00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:25,070 I couldn't help overhearing your flatmate's moving out. 26 00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:27,110 Oh, you heard that, did you? 27 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:29,150 Why don't you ask Natalie to move in? 28 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:31,630 Oh, well... yeah. I'd have to think about it. 29 00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:34,390 - That'd be lovely, that, wouldn't it? - Oh, yeah. 30 00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:37,190 Oh, here she is. Why don't you ask her now? 31 00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:40,790 - Ask me what? - Karl's flatmate's moving out 32 00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:43,380 and he wants you to move in with him. 33 00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:45,920 Do you? 34 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:49,630 - I... I'd love it. - What do you say? 35 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:51,870 You can... You can say no, if you want to. 36 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:55,030 Why would she say no? She still lives at home with her dad. 37 00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:57,790 - Even I know that's sad. - Yeah, all right, Janette. 38 00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:01,640 You want to, though, don't you? Be lovely, happy families together. 39 00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:06,880 - That'd be lovely. - I think that's a yes. 40 00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:09,480 Mm. 41 00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:14,070 OK, word up, everyone. I'd like to introduce Ash Mourad, 42 00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:16,790 he's our new District Work Psychologist. 43 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:19,790 Hello, everybody. 44 00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:22,390 Ash is here to help people overcome the mental barriers 45 00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:24,270 that may be stopping them from working. 46 00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:27,060 And he's here to help our jobseekers too. 47 00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:29,710 Very good. Excellent banter with the... 48 00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:32,300 Oh, that's me to a T, isn't it, guys? 49 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:34,990 Ash, why don't you tell everyone 50 00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:37,710 how you do the voodoo that you do so well? 51 00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:40,150 Also very, very humorous. 52 00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:41,990 But psychology's not voodoo, 53 00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:45,190 - it's a highly regarded science of the human mind. - Yeah, of course. 54 00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:49,110 I'm here to unlock the reasons behind why jobseekers are struggling to get work. 55 00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:50,910 How you gonna do that, then? 56 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:53,590 Oh, lots of different ways, it's actually quite boring! 57 00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:55,640 Mm, sounds it. 58 00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:59,950 - Ash sometimes uses hypnotherapy. - Do you have people running round 59 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:02,550 thinking they're chickens and taking their clothes off? 60 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:04,390 Oh, no. God knows I've tried, but... 61 00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:07,790 He's not a stage hypnotist, Jeanette. It's more like mind-reading. 62 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:10,960 It's not mind reading, Paul, it's deductive reasoning. 63 00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:13,230 Like Sherlock Holmes. 64 00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:15,670 Well, yeah, I suppose I do look for clues in people. 65 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:19,150 Brilliant, do Sherlock Holmes on me. What can you tell about me, eh? 66 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:20,870 This is probably wrong 67 00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:23,870 but I would say that you had cornflakes for breakfast? 68 00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:27,240 That is genius! How can anybody possibly know that? It's... 69 00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:33,110 OK, everyone, Ash isn't a performing monkey. 70 00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:35,590 No, no. This is fun. Do someone else. Do someone else. 71 00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:37,310 OK, erm... 72 00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:39,030 Angela, is it? 73 00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:41,710 I've noticed you've got a rather large set of keys on you. 74 00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:45,110 This suggests to me you're the kind of person that likes to be in control, 75 00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:46,830 a D type personality. 76 00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:50,750 These types of personality often find it very difficult to empathise with people, 77 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:53,150 often preferring animal contact, possibly cats, 78 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,630 because cats can't challenge or judge them. 79 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:57,680 And... 80 00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:02,830 - Was I close? - Erm... Yeah. 81 00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:05,220 You're in... in the right area. 82 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:15,910 Something troubling you, young Karl? 83 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:19,110 Ah, don't worry. I don't want to bore you with my problems. 84 00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:21,500 - Fair enough. - It's Natalie. 85 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:24,060 - She finally dumped you? - No. 86 00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:26,070 Actually I asked her to move in with me. 87 00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:29,150 Oh, right. And she said no and you're worried she's gonna dump you? 88 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:32,710 No, she said yes, and I'm worried because we already spend all day together. 89 00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:35,870 Gotcha. And you think she's gonna get bored of you and THEN dump you? 90 00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:38,430 - Paul, I'm not worried she's gonna dump me. - Really? 91 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,910 No, I'm worried about us not having our own space. 92 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,950 The answer is simple, Karl. 93 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:46,630 Yeah, talk to her honestly and tell her how I feel. 94 00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:48,670 No, get a shed. 95 00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:52,150 It's just that sometimes I like to turn all the lights out 96 00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:54,190 and play Final Fantasy in my pants. 97 00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:56,030 You can do that in a shed. 98 00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:59,230 You know, I've never... farted in front of her. 99 00:04:59,280 --> 00:05:01,630 You're not hearing me about this shed, are you? 100 00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:04,390 Look, of course you're gonna have to make a few compromises. 101 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:07,350 Yvette makes me do sit down wees so I don't splash the lino. 102 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:09,510 I have to go down the pub to watch the football. 103 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:12,760 But every morning I wake up with the person I love. 104 00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:15,510 Cos I sleep on my own in the shed. 105 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:20,510 Bet you hear all sorts, don't you? 106 00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:22,950 People asking you about their recurring dreams. 107 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:25,310 Like when all their teeth fall out in Top Shop! 108 00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:28,030 - I mean, what is THAT about?! - Yeah. 109 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:30,510 No, seriously, what's that all about? 110 00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:34,000 - Oh, I don't know. - Oh, cool. It's not important. 111 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:38,950 - Ash, as a therapist you can keep a secret, right? - Oh, of course. 112 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:43,200 Yeah, this is no longer the learning room, think of this as the inner sanctum of trust. 113 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:47,430 Perhaps I should begin by sharing something private about myself. 114 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:49,150 Oh, that's really not necessary. 115 00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:51,200 I have a shy testicle. 116 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:55,710 Does that make you feel more comfortable? 117 00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:57,710 Not really. 118 00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:00,430 Basically my boyfriend, Karl, asked me to move in with him 119 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:03,670 - and I said yes but I don't really want to. - This is good, we're sharing. 120 00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:06,230 He's fantastic, we're just not ready to live together 121 00:06:06,280 --> 00:06:07,990 and I don't want to hurt his feelings. 122 00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:10,270 - Honesty is always the best policy. - I don't know. 123 00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:13,670 He was obviously nervous about asking, he got Janette to do it for him. 124 00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:16,110 If I tell him the truth it's gonna break his heart. 125 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:18,150 So, what do you think? 126 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:22,040 I think an honest penny is better than a stolen pound. 127 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:26,430 - What does that mean? - Not sure. 128 00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:29,830 When you're spending as much on sperm as I am 129 00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:32,590 you expect in-depth information. 130 00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:37,470 Right, OK. For instance, number 512, the accountant. 131 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:39,510 It says here he likes playing sport. 132 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:42,100 For all I know that could mean darts. 133 00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:44,720 No, I think you should know. 134 00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:49,070 I don't want my baby to be sired by Phil 'The Power' Taylor. 135 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:51,510 Sorry, I've got to go. Thank you. 136 00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:53,240 Tea? 137 00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:57,870 - Oh, one and a half sugars? - How did you know I wanted extra sugar? 138 00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:00,270 You always have extra sugar when you're stressed. 139 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:03,350 - How do you know I'm stressed? - Chew your pen when you're stressed. 140 00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:06,070 - I haven't been -- - Your lips are blue, you look like a corpse. 141 00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:09,350 - Eww, Trish! - Go and wash it off in the toilets, then. 142 00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:12,600 Honestly, Karl. You can't hide anything from me. 143 00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:16,820 I know you better than you know yourself. 144 00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:26,590 - Do you want to turn that off? - What? 145 00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:28,750 Switch it off or I'm calling security. 146 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:31,200 Can't hear you, music's too loud. 147 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:33,520 Security! 148 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:36,830 Can you make people regress to a past life? 149 00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:39,270 I've always thought I might have been a gladiator. 150 00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:41,550 I think we might be getting our wires crossed. 151 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:45,270 - You see, what I do is hypnotherapy. - Can't you Google it? 152 00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:47,550 You can't just Google the power of mind control. 153 00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:49,590 Everyone would be doing, can you imagine? 154 00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:52,440 - It would be mayhem! - Absolute madness. 155 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:55,550 Google mind control. 156 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:57,920 Turn it off. 157 00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:03,120 Oh, funky little tune. 158 00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:06,180 - Have you got crabs? - Oh, I wish. 159 00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:13,510 Well, this has been delightful. 160 00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:15,870 Good. Cos she's your first customer. 161 00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:19,350 I'm sure you'll be able to unlock the reasons why SHE can't find work. 162 00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:21,740 Great, well I look forward to -- 163 00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:24,950 Cool. 164 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,000 I'll catch you later. 165 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:34,630 - Hello. - Hey. 166 00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,350 Oh, Karl, while I'm here 167 00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:38,790 I just need to ask you a few questions for an HR thing. 168 00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:40,830 Bit boring. Anyway, question one: 169 00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:43,070 Would you say you're in a good state of health? 170 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:44,790 Er... Yeah, I suppose. 171 00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:49,550 Any underlying health issues? Asthma, colourblindness? Hypertension? 172 00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:51,590 I do sometimes get a blocked ear. 173 00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:53,670 OK, and does that cause complete deafness? 174 00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:55,710 Pardon? 175 00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:59,070 Good sense of humour. Of course, I knew that anyway. 176 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:00,910 - Ever have any dark thoughts? - What? 177 00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:03,230 - An urge to kill? - No. Sorry, is this for HR? 178 00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:05,470 That's right, yeah. It's just a little report. 179 00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:07,710 - How did your grandparents die? - They haven't. 180 00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:09,750 None of them? Oh, wow. 181 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:11,830 And are they well within themselves? 182 00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:14,310 - Well, my nan's got diabetes. - Type one or two? 183 00:09:14,360 --> 00:09:16,360 Mm... Type two. 184 00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:19,350 Oh, that's brilliant news. 185 00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:21,740 Karl, I'd like to buy you lunch. 186 00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:28,990 Oh, feel free to order whatever you want. 187 00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:31,030 Have the surf and turf. 188 00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:33,150 It's steak... and scampi! 189 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,870 Yeah, I was just gonna get a sandwich. 190 00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:38,350 Oh, at least have a side of breaded mushrooms, Karl, 191 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:40,190 for crying out loud! 192 00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:42,240 What is this about? 193 00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:46,270 Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking 194 00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:48,830 and I've come to a decision. 195 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:51,350 Are... Are you giving me the sack? 196 00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:53,830 Quite the opposite, actually. 197 00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:56,320 I'm... giving you the sack? 198 00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:59,560 Hopefully, in a roundabout way. 199 00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:03,800 I am looking for a sperm donor. 200 00:10:04,680 --> 00:10:08,000 But I want to get pregnant the natural way, with a man I trust. 201 00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:10,550 Not a stranger I don't know. 202 00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:14,870 I want a man who's kind and caring, a good listener. 203 00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:17,430 Capable of getting on with all sorts of people 204 00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:20,780 from a disabled child to the Prime Minister himself. 205 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:23,270 You've just described Phillip Schofield. 206 00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:25,310 Pip Scho would be perfect, yes, 207 00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:27,360 but no, listen. 208 00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:30,260 I've decided that the... erm... 209 00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:33,510 .. perfect man to 'do the deed'... 210 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:37,840 .. is you. 211 00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:40,590 What do you say? 212 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,310 Erm... OK. 213 00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:44,350 With the greatest of respect, 214 00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:47,600 and I don't want to hurt your feelings or anything, but... 215 00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:50,520 .. fuck off, Trish! 216 00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:53,230 You are feeling sleepy. 217 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:57,040 Your eyes feel heavy and that is absolutely fine. 218 00:10:57,560 --> 00:11:00,840 You are at one with the core of your being. 219 00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:04,640 You're right, this is a load of balls! 220 00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:08,160 Paul? 221 00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,710 I'll be in my office if you change your mind. 222 00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:13,550 I won't. 223 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:16,510 - You will not believe what just happened. - Can you tell me later? 224 00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:18,550 We need to talk. 225 00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:20,390 Oh, OK. 226 00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:24,280 About moving in together, just gonna be totally honest with you, I... 227 00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:28,080 .. can't. 228 00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:31,070 Oh. 229 00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:32,790 Oh, that is such a shame. 230 00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:35,150 I mean, I'd love to, obviously. You know I would. 231 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:39,230 Because you're great and the flat's great and we're great and... 232 00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:41,310 It just has absolutely nothing to do with you 233 00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:43,510 because you are totally great. 234 00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:45,560 - Cool. - Oh! 235 00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:49,030 Great. Oh, hang on a minute, sorry. 236 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,950 So... er... why? 237 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,390 Why can't you move in with me? 238 00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:57,440 Oh, because... 239 00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:00,480 I can't move in with you... well. 240 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:04,580 The facts of the matter are... Is that because... 241 00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:08,590 Because I am massively in debt. 242 00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:10,950 - Really? - Yeah, drowning in it. 243 00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:13,030 - Up to my eyeballs. - How much do you owe? 244 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:15,510 - 12 large. - £12,000? 245 00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,230 Yeah. And a half. 246 00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:19,280 Why didn't you tell me? 247 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:22,550 - Because of the shame. - You don't need to be ashamed, Natalie. 248 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:24,590 I am your boyfriend 249 00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:29,470 and I am gonna make sure that you get expert advice. 250 00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:31,630 So, you've got debt problems? 251 00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:33,680 That's right. Big time. 252 00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:38,230 - Sorry, Karl. What is this? - This is an intervention, Natalie. 253 00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:40,750 Ash is a psychologist, he can help. 254 00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:44,430 And this debt is the reason why you can't move in with Karl? 255 00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:47,280 Yes, Ash. That is the reason. 256 00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:52,430 Right. I think now might be the time to be completely honest with Karl. 257 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,910 So, if there's anything that you're not telling him -- 258 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:56,710 I've said everything. 259 00:12:56,760 --> 00:13:00,720 What have you spent twelve and a half grand on? 260 00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:03,230 - Gambling. - What? 261 00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:05,270 - What? - Yeah. 262 00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:07,990 Horses, dogs, football. 263 00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:10,630 Hold-up, you know nothing about football. 264 00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:13,390 Exactly, why do you think I'm in so much debt? 265 00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:16,230 Right, I think this might be getting a little bit out of hand. 266 00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:18,280 Of course it is. 267 00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:21,590 But when you're on a losing streak you just keep spending 268 00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:24,150 more and more to try and make back your losses. 269 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:26,740 It's hard to know when to walk away. 270 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:29,240 And when to run. 271 00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:32,070 Come here, come on. 272 00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:34,390 Listen, I am gonna make this right, I promise you. 273 00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:36,580 You don't have to do that. 274 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,110 Can you hear me, Paul? 275 00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:46,200 My name is not Paul, my name is Solomon. 276 00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:50,390 - Where are you, Solomon? - In a large field. 277 00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:52,640 - Is it Cannock Chase? - No. 278 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:56,070 It's hot. I'm with lots of other people 279 00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:59,390 - and we're picking cotton. - Oh, my good God! 280 00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:02,910 I am a slave. My master treats me cruelly. 281 00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:05,680 How long have you been a slave? 282 00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:08,160 12 years. 283 00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:11,070 Oh, you bugger! 284 00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:13,190 I thought I had the gift. 285 00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:16,590 OK, I'll do it. 286 00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:19,030 This whole... pregnancy thing. Let's do it. 287 00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:21,080 But... Are you sure? 288 00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:25,270 You dropped the... erm.... F-Bomb in a pretty major way. 289 00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:27,790 Yeah, sorry about that. It was a... 290 00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:31,670 .. bit harsh. Now, this doesn't make me a man whore 291 00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:33,390 but I will need paying. 292 00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:35,950 - How much are we talking? - 12 and a half thousand pounds. 293 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,990 How much?! 294 00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:40,840 Fine, I'll take a hammer to my piggy bank. 295 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:43,430 - Plus VAT. - VAT?! 296 00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:45,510 You can't add VAT onto your sperm, Karl. 297 00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:47,430 It's not a luxury item. 298 00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:49,150 Yeah, well... We'll waive the VAT. 299 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:51,070 - When do we do this? - It's got to be tonight, 300 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:53,260 I'm ovulating like a bitch. 301 00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:57,950 How long have you been out of work? 302 00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:03,590 Why do you feel the need to be on your phone constantly? 303 00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:05,950 Cos Crap Dawn's slagging me off on Facebook. 304 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,590 - Sorry, who's Crap Dawn? - Shit Paul's step sister. 305 00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:10,640 Of course. 306 00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:14,390 Erm... 307 00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:17,440 Would you describe yourself as a happy person? 308 00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:20,510 No, I've just been called potato tits online 309 00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:22,230 and it's got 84 likes. 310 00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:25,470 You see, some people use their mobile phones as a defence mechanism. 311 00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:28,150 Look, I get it. We talk, I cry 312 00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:30,390 and you work out the reason I haven't found a job 313 00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:33,440 is cos I got diddled by some bloke at Brownies. 314 00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:36,750 Were you diddled by some bloke at Brownies? 315 00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:38,790 No. 316 00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:41,190 If anything I made the first move. 317 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:43,910 I still feel that you're suppressing something, Bryony. 318 00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:46,790 A trauma perhaps? Have you lost anyone close to you? 319 00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:49,430 - No. - A family member? A friend? A pet even? 320 00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:51,750 No, dickhead. I have not lost a member of my family 321 00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:53,800 or a friend or a rabbit. 322 00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:57,630 What was the name of rabbit, Bryony? 323 00:15:57,680 --> 00:15:59,670 - Snowdrop. - And what happened to Snowdrop? 324 00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:01,830 He fell asleep in the washing machine. 325 00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:04,270 By the time we realised 326 00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:06,790 Mum had put him on an extra rinse. 327 00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:09,310 It was too late. 328 00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:11,360 He was dead. 329 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:14,630 But clean. 330 00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:24,390 - Thank you so much. - Good luck with the job seeking. 331 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:26,840 Good luck with your shy testicle. 332 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:35,630 She is such a sweetheart. 333 00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:42,230 More woman problems? 334 00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:43,990 Hm? 335 00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:45,710 Women. 336 00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:48,310 Come on, then. Tell your agony uncle. 337 00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:50,870 Chances are I'd have been through something similar. 338 00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:52,590 Yeah? 339 00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:56,950 I'm having sex with an older woman to pay for my girlfriend's illegal gambling expenses. 340 00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:58,790 Oh, that old chestnut. 341 00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:02,150 What are we talking? Over 40 but still naughty 342 00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:04,630 or so old there's a danger you'll break her hips? 343 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:06,390 It's Trish. 344 00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:08,110 Christ on a bike, Karl! 345 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:09,830 You're chalking 'em up, in't ya. 346 00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:12,670 - You'll be knocking off Janette next week. - I have no choice. 347 00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:15,430 Trish thinks I'm a perfect fit to father her child 348 00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:19,270 and Natalie's desperate for money. What would you do in my position? 349 00:17:19,320 --> 00:17:21,830 Let's get down to brass tacks. Keep it simple. 350 00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:24,750 Drop of Asti Spumante, some sparse up-lighting 351 00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:27,030 and the Paul Franks lovemaking playlist. 352 00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:28,750 You'll find it on Spotify. 353 00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:30,710 I don't want lovemaking advice, Paul. 354 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:32,750 I just want to get through it. 355 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:37,230 I'm worried I'm never gonna get rid of the image of her... on me. 356 00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:39,070 So, you've imagined her on top? 357 00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:41,670 As have I, my friend. As have I. 358 00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:44,910 I think the best thing you can do is film the entire thing, 359 00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:47,830 show me and I'll help you with the therapy. 360 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:51,200 I'm really starting to wonder why I come to YOU for advice. 361 00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:56,060 Call me if you need a wing man. 362 00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:10,340 Righty-oh, then. Get yourself nice and comfy. 363 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,960 Thank you very much. 364 00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:21,510 Would you like something to look at? 365 00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:24,100 Build yourself up for the big moment? 366 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:27,260 Now, I'm... I'm afraid I don't own any... 367 00:18:28,120 --> 00:18:29,910 - .. pornography. - That's fine. 368 00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:32,830 I did have a Next Directory somewhere 369 00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:35,680 but I think it went in the last recycling. 370 00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:38,600 Oh! 371 00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:41,470 What about this? 372 00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:43,590 Collingwood Family album. 373 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:45,950 Ignore the first few pages, 374 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,190 that's my parents on a narrow boat in the Fenns 375 00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:50,230 but somewhere in the middle... oh! 376 00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:52,480 Student Trish in Fuengirola. 377 00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:54,750 There's some bikini shots there. 378 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,600 - Well, that should pump your tyres. - Mm. 379 00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:02,600 I'll just... erm... get into something more appropriate. 380 00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:05,320 All right? 381 00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:09,160 Oh, God, let me die. 382 00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:15,060 Ding ding, round two. Same again please, Ash. 383 00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:19,150 - OK, only I did get the first round. - Yeah, it's a tradition here, mate. 384 00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:22,870 - Your first day at work you buy the drinks all night. - OK. 385 00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:25,920 I'm gonna tell you what I want telepathically. 386 00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:29,640 - Is it another large rose? - God, he's good. 387 00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:32,350 Actually, you may as well get a bottle. 388 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:34,540 Not a problem. And Natalie? 389 00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:37,230 - Oh, I'll just have a double whiskey. - OK. 390 00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:39,150 - And a gin and tonic. - Right. 391 00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:41,200 And a wine. 392 00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:44,140 So great to be part of the team. 393 00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:51,100 - Drowning your sorrows, love? - Mm. 394 00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:54,200 Don't worry, Karl told us. 395 00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:56,670 We've had a little whip round for you. 396 00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:59,870 We've been collecting off the jobseekers all afternoon. 397 00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:02,190 - Oh, God. - Stay strong, bab. 398 00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:06,590 No, no. I've lied to Karl. I never wanted to move in with him. 399 00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:09,310 - It's perfectly understandable. - No, the gambling thing. 400 00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:11,030 It's not true, none of it. 401 00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:14,350 I don't have gambling debts, I just didn't want to tell him the truth. 402 00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:16,390 - Well, I'm having this back. - Shit. 403 00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:18,870 - You'd better stop Karl. - Stop him doing what? 404 00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:21,430 - Fathering Trish's baby. - Why is he doing that? 405 00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:26,120 To pay off the 12 and a half grand you didn't spend on a gambling habit you haven't got. 406 00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:32,500 Right, here I am. 407 00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:37,550 Why have you got your bare bottom on my sofa?! 408 00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:39,270 Why are you wearing rubber gloves?! 409 00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:42,230 I thought this was supposed to be straight middle-aged sex. 410 00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:44,030 Why would we be having sex? 411 00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:46,310 You said you wanted to conceive the natural way. 412 00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:48,590 I meant natural as in knowing who the father is, 413 00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:50,630 I just want your sperm! 414 00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:52,680 Put it away! 415 00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:55,270 - Karl! - Mothering Sunday! 416 00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:57,110 What on earth are you doing here? 417 00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:59,750 - I'm staging an intervention. - And I'm filming it. 418 00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:01,510 Guess I missed the money shot. 419 00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:04,430 - Karl, you don't need to have sex with Trish. - I've told him that. 420 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:07,310 - What about your debt? - I don't have any debt, I lied. 421 00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:09,360 You... You did what? 422 00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:14,360 I didn't want to move in with you so I lied about the debt. 423 00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:17,150 I almost had sex with Trish, Natalie! 424 00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:19,430 For the last time, no, you didn't! 425 00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:21,470 I just wanted your tadpoles! 426 00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:24,640 Anyway, the deal's off. There's no way we can procreate. 427 00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:27,390 It's been so long since I've had my ears pinned back 428 00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:29,110 I'd almost forgotten. 429 00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:31,350 I'm sorry, Karl, but we can't mix our genes. 430 00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:34,030 Our baby would look like some kind of dwarf BFG. 431 00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:36,070 Absolutely fine with me. Can I go? 432 00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:38,120 Yeah, course. 433 00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:40,750 Don't forget your pants. 434 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,030 - Is that Fuengirola? - Well, I'll see you tomorrow 435 00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:46,120 for what I'm sure won't be an uncomfortable day at work. 436 00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:49,560 Paul! 437 00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:55,760 - See ya. - Honestly.