♪ They say time will wait for no man
♪ They say time is on my side
♪ I can never make my mind up
♪ Cos it all goes whizzing by
♪ From the cradle to the grave
♪ From the cradle
♪ To the grave ♪ I know I won't be a slave
♪ I know I won't
♪ Be a slave ♪ To the mistakes that I've made
♪ From the cradle ♪ I won't go
♪ Till I'm ready
♪ From the cradle to the grave
RADIO: ♪ MUD: Dyna-mite
Well?
- Well, what? - You're supposed to tell me I look gorgeous.
I don't know what you're asking me for. I've only got one eye.
Yeah, you look great.
It's a nice colour.
- Aw, give us that! - You've got a wedding dress on.
- Dog's just laid on that. - I don't care. I'm starving.
- Mm. Is Mum back yet? - Can't be, the old man's in a good mood.
How long are they gonna keep up the silent treatment?
- They ain't said a word to each other all week. - A week? Try three!
I can't remember the last time he asked her to help him look for something.
What? What do you mean, "Look for something"?
Don't be a prize prick.
You know, when you go upstairs and the bedroom door's locked...
♪ KEVIN AYERS: Joy Of A Toy
FRED: Who is it? - It's me.
- What do you want? - Can I see Mum a minute?
You can't. She's busy.
She's helping me look for somethin'.
- Eurgh! Is that what the... that is? - Yeah, yeah, let's not talk about it any more.
So, erm, will you be helpin' Roger look for somethin' tonight, then?
Don't be disgusting.
Anyway, Mum had better be home soon, cos I need help with my hair.
♪ MICHAEL McGEAR: Woman
Ripped By mstoll
(Ringing tone)
MAN: Hello?
- Hello? Hello, Keith? - Bet?
- How's your wedding day going? - Great. How's yours?
It's funny. I-I-I always thought I'd be a bundle of nerves, you know, like, in floods.
But I just... I feel a bit numb.
Today's stirring up all sorts of old ghosts.
Have you thought any more about what I said?
Yeah, I have...
But, er, I'm just gonna... put it to the back of me mind, for today, if that's possible.
Well, I'm here for you, you know that...
...and I'm a very patient person.
- (Applause) - Thank you.
- (Whistling)
Give us a song, David Essex!
(Laughter)
Somebody tell him only the bride's supposed to wear white.
- Oh, no, that only applies to girls. - That's why I said it.
- Only the bride's supposed to wear white. - Brilliant.
(Wolf whistling)
Serves you right if the vicar marries you to Roger instead of her.
- You're the one that's gonna have to shag him. - That's lovely to hear on my wedding day.
Now don't forget, I want to see all of you down the reception tonight, no exceptions!
I'm gonna be skint tomorrow. It's a last chance to get nice and tasty on my pound note.
- Do you hear me? - (Cheering)
DANNY: As a neighbour, my old girlfriend Yvonne was invited to the reception
but any plans I had to get back with her looked dead as a dodo.
All right, Chas?
So, it'll be weird, havin' a spare room in the house, won't it?
- We ain't. That's where you're goin'. - What?
I won't get all my records in there. It's a shoe box.
I won't be able to get all my birds in our room, not with you lurkin' around.
I'm just going for a slash.
You all right, girl?
She's all right.
I am, Mum. Do you know what? I'm not even nervous.
I knew this day would come from the first time I met Roger.
Does that sound funny?
No, love.
He's took my bag!
Don't worry, Bet, that's Freddie Baker. That's what he does.
I thought he was supposed to be in Germany.
- What do you mean, "What he does"? - He usually brings them back.
Usually?
Give me back my bag, you thief!
Blimey! You can't half run fast, Betty Lockwood. We could do with you down Millwall.
- My bag, please. - It was your mate Angie's I was after,
but she had hers over her arm, so... How is she? Angie?
Engaged, thank you very much.
All right. Well, here you go.
Oh, and er, give this one to Mary Windsor when you see her.
- How many bags you got? - I just like to see which one wants me the most.
Well, I'd be careful. My last boyfriend was a copper.
Your last boyfriend? Blimey, you're a quick worker. How old are you now, then, 17?
I will be, next week. Anyway, ain't you meant to be in Germany?
- The war's over. - If they catch you, they'll lock you up.
They ain't found Hitler yet. They ain't interested in me.
I am interested in you, though, Betty.
Or Angie, or Mary Windsor...
♪ MARTHA REEVES & THE VANDELLAS: Jimmy Mack
(Music and chatter)
Aww! I wish our Susan had got married in something like that.
Your Susan ain't got married at all.
You know they say "radiant"? That's what that is, that dress: Radiant.
Here, did your Bet run that dress up herself?
Did she bollocks? That's 220 quid that down to Larkin.
- No! - And she only gets to wear it once.
Don't worry, I'll get the value out of it, even if I have to wear it myself!
- (Laughter) - I wore a dress once.
- You what? - Eh?
It was in a school play.
- It still counts. - Yeah. Nonce!
Here, shouldn't you be over there with your Bet?
Yeah... I ought to be.
- Still no thaw, then? - Thaw?
Oh, I'm fine, Lil. It's our daughter's wedding day.
As long as he don't start nothin', I won't. But I ain't going round puttin' a show on for everyone.
No.
♪ Wrap up some red roses
♪ For a blue lady
DANNY: My old man was one of 12 Baker children -
the best-known family on the Isle Of Dogs.
Mum was very shy and had convinced herself
that having one of the Baker boys as her fella was well out of her league.
♪ I'll hurry back and pick
♪ Your best white orchids for her wedding gown
- (Applause) - Oh, lovely!
Oh, Freddie, you were marvellous.
- Just like Vic Damone. - Yeah, just like him!
- Here you go! Get this one down you! - Cheers.
- Hello, again. - Oh, hello, you.
- What did you think? - Yeah, it was all right.
Well, we think he looks like Vic Damone and all.
- You was in Germany with him, weren't you? - Yeah, Vic Damone. Yeah.
- Sing another one for us, Freddie. - Give us a minute and I will.
So, how you been keeping?
The only people you were singing with in Germany were the Military Police.
All right, all right, keep it down.
- So, do you want a drink? - No, no, I won't.
Thanks for askin' me out tonight, though.
- I'd better be off now. - Oh, really?
Yeah. You've got plenty of admirers to keep you company.
- I was only chatting. - Don't let me stop you.
Bye!
And the kid says, "You can do what you like, love. I'm a jockey on my way to Newmarket!"
- (Laughter) - Oh, yeah!
♪ ABBA: Waterloo
Come on, Bet, love.
If Roger turns out to be half the bloke Fred is, Sharon won't have done bad for herself.
Well, maybe Fred ain't quite the bloke you all think he is.
What you doing out here? Jacking me in, are you?
Had enough?
I'm havin' a baby.
What you talkin' about? Baby?
Whose baby? Your baby? What... My baby?
Well, who else's do you think it is? I'm not like you, am I?
Well, what about that copper you was goin' with?
- Who? Tom? - Yeah.
Fred, we've been split up a year.
How do you think pregnancy works?
- Are you sure it's mine? - Any baby I have must be yours. All right?
Fuckin' hell! Er...
Well, there it is.
That's it, then.
- What? - I'm lumbered. (Chuckles)
Oh! Oh, that's nice.
- Oh, come on, I didn't mean it like that! - Freddie, the public needs you.
Come on, Baker, there's several sizzling women in there waitin' for you.
Well, Fred? Come back in! Come on!
♪ VIC DAMONE: On The Street Where You Live
♪ I have often walked... - Your audience needs you.
♪ On the street before
♪ But the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before...
Mum, go on and talk to Dad!
I've been talking to him for 25 years. Let me have the night off, eh!
Blimey, Bet! Joey Churcher. Hide your jewellery.
See! That is what I am talking about!
Who invites one of the Churchers to his own daughter's wedding?
Might as well have one of the Kray Brothers here.
Go on, Fred, buy him a drink.
Even today he can't leave it alone, wheelin' and bleedin' dealin'.
Oh, no. Here comes Uncle Frank.
Come on, everyone! Join in!
In a minute, Frank. I'll have a go in a minute.
Can't stand nothing like that. That's one thing me and Fred have got in common.
Come on!
Come on! Let's go outside before Silly Balls commandeers us.
All right, it's true.
I am.
But now that you know, you've gotta understand I only share this secret with very close friends.
Wow! Can I ask one thing?
If it's his sister's wedding, how come David Essex ain't here?
Well, success has overtaken him
and David's career has to come first during this hectic period.
Can I talk to you?
- How long you been there? - Long enough.
Won't be a minute.
I cannot believe you're still pulling this David Essex crap.
- What? I'm... I'm not. - Right.
So you're wearin' a white suit, doing that silly smile
and you've got this thing around your neck for nothin'?
I... I actually can't get this off.
Listenin' to you with them was makin' my toes curl, OK?
It's like you've gone mad.
I don't know what to do any more. I've told too many girls now. They'll kill me.
Why can't you just go back to being yourself? It was good enough for me.
So, have we got a deal?
Yeah, we've got a deal.
- (Spits) - You happy with that?
I've gotta be. I've never done anything like this in my life.
- Definitely no risk with it? - Risk?
Come on, Spud, it's a straightforward number.
- You know me. - Yeah, I do indeed, Joey.
Gawd knows what Bet'll say...
Come on, everyone! Join in!
Follow me!
Frank, there's nobody behind you.
Fuck's sake!
We're looking for a Reginald Armitage.
Armitage, you say?
Nah, not here.
Also known as Leonard John Whitby.
Also known as Frederick Joseph Baker.
- Oh, Freddie? - Oh, so he does live here?
(Sighs) Upstairs, first floor.
He's out, but his wife's in.
Police! Open up!
Hello?
- Bet? - Tom?
- Blimey! How are you? - All right.
- Can we come in? - Yeah!
So... you got married, then?
Yeah.
A little 'un on the way.
- You said you were too young to settle down. - Well, maybe I found Mr Right.
- Is that another one of his names, Bet? - You what?
- Your husband's got a lot of names, hasn't he? - I dunno what you're talkin' about.
Let's just call him Spud, shall we?
- Who? - Another alias.
To the best of your knowledge, does Spud bring home goods?
- What do you mean, "Goods"? - We're referring to stolen goods.
Do I look like I've got goods? Can you see any goods?
Where'd you get these? Most people haven't seen a banana since before the war.
- Let alone a whole bunch. - My husband. Won 'em in a raffle, he said.
- That tablecloth looks new. - We got it off a mate of his.
- Come on, Les. - I think we should have a proper look, sir.
- Couple of cases under the bed there. - Tell Spud we'll be coming back to have a word.
From a whisper I've heard, it might be best if we get to him before the Military Police do.
Bye, Betty.
♪ LARRY ADLER: Caravan
It said in this article his real name's David Cook.
Yeah, that's just another name he uses. You know, Cook, Baker... Get it?
Well, I saw a picture of him when he was little with his mum and dad.
They look nothin' like your mum and dad.
No, it's cos, when he was little, erm, he spent a lot of time with his aunt and uncle and...
Oh, look, I'm not actually David Essex's brother. I'm actually not!
Oh, my God, he is!
All right, I am. I am his brother.
- Now I don't know. - What difference does it make?
- If you ain't, we're wastin' our time. - You are wastin' your time.
And so am I. I keep pretending to be fuckin' David Essex's brother.
- But he might be comin' here tonight, yeah? - Please?
Oh, come on!
♪ GLADYS KNIGHT: I've Got To Use My Imagination
What do we look like?
The bloke on the stall told me these were the only pair of turquoise and golds in Bermondsey.
- He told us all that, Hodges! - Before he took our fivers.
- Me and Trevor only paid four quid. - Oh! Four Quid!
Drop back!
All right, boys. This is Janet. What?
Blimey! You ain't still wearin' turquoise and golds, are you?
They went out like six months ago.
- So who are these, then? - This lot?
The Three Stooges. Do you want to go get a drink?
- Turquoise and gold. BOTH: Six months old.
Well, I have just retired from the pop industry, for good.
That's a shame. You look really nice in that white suit.
Where's that bloke from the Co-op?
Oh, I packed Tony in. Talk about only after one thing.
- Did he get it? - What do you think? Did you?
So you're back in the real world?
- Yep. - Good.
Why don't you ask me out again?
Will you go out with me again, Yvonne?
I'll think about it.
♪ STEVIE WONDER: You Are The Sunshine Of My Life
Now...
...is it because I've had half a dozen brandies,
- or do you look more than usually gorgeous? - You've had half a dozen brandies.
Teddy Silk said when he saw us at the church together we were like a couple of sauce bottles.
- He was lookin' round for the vinegar. - (Tuts)
(Giggles)
(Laugh fades)
See! All that worryin'.
Never let it be said we can't lay on a proper blow out.
You wanna see my Alfie. He's as pissed as a puddin'.
Trying to take his waistcoat off over his head.
You wouldn't have married me if I hadn't got pregnant, would you?
Oh, here we go. Where did this come from?
- You wouldn't have. - Go on, dredge it all up.
- I thought we agreed a cease-fire? - I remember what you said to me.
- "Lumbered", you said. - Well, you say these things, don't you?
Blimey, it was a shock for both of us.
But who's to say I wouldn't have asked you, anyway?
It just hurried me up, that's all.
Hurried you?
You were fast enough already as I remember.
Weren't a girl on the island could keep up with you.
Well, I played the field. So what?
You weren't exactly Little Miss Muffet yourself, were you?
(Mouths)
♪ I really can't stay ♪ Baby, it's cold outside
♪ I've gotta go away ♪ But, baby, it's cold outside
♪ This evening has been ♪ Been hoping that you'd drop in
♪ So very nice ♪ I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice
All right?
♪ Beautiful, what's your hurry?
You haven't got tea on yet, have you?
Here you go. Tell Baby to budge over, cos that's comin' down in about ten minutes.
Fred...
...who's Reginald Armitage?
- Who's been round? - The police.
Don't worry. They're long gone now. But they said they're comin' back.
- Bet, I've picked up all kinds of names. - What for?
You want to pay tax on the tuppence ha' penny we got?
The military are lookin' for you and all.
They ain't gonna find me. They don't care about me.
They said you use all these different names. Do you even tell people that you're married?
Not if there's a few quid in it, no.
What's the matter with you, girl?
- Where did you get that ham? - The chief rabbi. He didn't have no use for it.
Fred, are you at it?
Yes, I'm at it, Bet. Everyone's at it.
You've got to forage to get what you can.
I'll always do that for you.
You're not gonna want for nothing and neither is Little 'Un, on my life.
Fred, I worry.
And I don't...
...and I never will.
- What if you get put away? - I ain't goin' away.
♪ SLADE: Cum On, Feel The Noize
I ain't goin' away, you know!
You're making me look a right nonce stood here.
BET: Well, go away, then!
Come on, everyone! Join in!
Not again! For fuck's sake!
Grab your drawers, girls, I'm comin' in.
- Fred! - Girls aren't bothered, are you?
No, you paid for the hall, Fred, you can go where you like.
- Exactly! - Are you coming?
And you, love.
Now, then, let's get this sorted out, Betty Lockwood.
- I ain't 17 no more. - No, but you're acting like it.
Oh, I don't know why it's hit me so hard today, Fred. I've tried to control it.
I just can't see a future.
And when was it any different? In 1949?
I was just a girl then. You could have told me anything.
Yeah? Well, here's something I didn't tell you.
(Toilet flushes)
Wish I didn't have to go.
I would have liked to have heard the end of this.
Here's somethin' I didn't tell you. Gettin' you up the spout was the best day's work I ever did.
In my mind, that was a miracle.
- And all the people... - Stop! Stop! Stop talkin', Fred.
What?
I'm still tryin' to work out if you just said somethin' nice.
Go out there and have a look at all them couples.
Did any of 'em have an 'arder start than what we did?
Do you think half of them would still be together today, like we are?
You stuck by me, Bet, and I've never, ever forgotten that.
And you actin' like this is frightening the life out of me.
If I hadn't have met you, girl, if you hadn't have got pregnant,
I'd be doin' 20 years now, or I'd be dead at the bottom of the Thames, and that's a fact.
You've never said any of this before, Fred.
I'm three-parts pissed, but I mean every single word I say.
I know I ain't easy.
I know there are many women who wouldn't even put up with me.
You shouldn't have to put up with your husband.
Of course you do. Everyone does, in different ways.
And what about me, Fred?
Do you have to put up with me?
You know, when I first started walkin' out with you, I thought, "She's too good for me."
- (Laughs) No, you never. - I did!
I thought, "There's not a chance she'll stick with me."
That first night, when we went in the Needle And Gun...
...I asked all my mates to be there and they didn't know why.
But, as soon as I walked in with you on my arm, they got it.
You could have had any girl you wanted.
I know. And?
Blimey, Fred, you're gonna be tellin' me you love me next.
I do!
I love you.
Well, I could have done with a more romantic setting, but I'll take it.
Well, that's our marriage, Bet.
JUDGE: Frederick Joseph Baker,
I have taken into account your age
and the fact that you are recently married and expecting a child.
However, I am satisfied you have systematically received goods you knew to be stolen
and enthusiastically sold them on for maximum profit.
Therefore, I think a custodial sentence is in order.
You will go to prison for one year.
Fuckin' hell! And I thought we had you straitened?
- (Laughter) - Silence in court!
- All rise! - Don't worry, Bet.
My God! What are you doin'?
Sorry, Bet. We have to retrieve any suspect material.
- Look, I hate havin' to do this. - Then, why are you doing it? This is my home.
This... This ain't a home.
Look... Your old man... I know his type.
He's got his head in the clouds. You don't know what's gonna happen next.
- Can you tell him to stop? - I never really got over you, you know that.
- Are you sure you want to stay here? - What do you mean?
Well, there's plenty of room at my mum's. It's just me and her on our own.
- You're welcome to stay there. - What, with a baby?
Baby and all.
It's always about tomorrow with blokes like Fred.
♪ DUKE ELLINGTON: Chelsea Bridge
Sorry.
Tomorrow'll do for me, Tom.
We can't go yet. Mum and Dad! Where's my mum and dad?
- Oh, here they are! - Hold on, hold on!
- You don't even know where you're goin'. - Course we do - Jaywick Sands.
Forget about Jaywick Sands. You're off to London Airport.
You're on the midnight flight to Majorca. You're goin' for a fortnight.
- (Cheering) - You're joking?
Honeymoon suite, the lot. All paid for.
There you go!
- Aw, thanks. - Driver's got your passports.
- Thanks, Fred. - Have a good time.
- Look after her, won't you? - I will do.
- Bye, everyone. See you later. - See you.
♪ Oh, yes, you're off to sunny Spain!
♪ Eviva España
(All hum)
♪ Eviva España
Did this have anything to do with Joey Churcher?
Well, why else would I have that horrible ponce at the wedding?
Well, I do hope it's not gonna be fully booked. I do remember the caravan.
Ah, Bet, this one's silver service, first class all the way.
- (Cheering) - Then, how have you paid for it?
- Car's gone. Looks like we're walkin' home. - Fred...
And I might have to borrow your watch in future.
Oh, not your dad's fob watch! That's the one thing you said you'd never part with.
Yeah.
Well, if I can part with my daughter, I can part with a watch.
- Did you see her face? - Yeah.
You're full of surprises today, ain't you?
Oh, yeah... Yes, I am.
Shut up, everyone! Shut up! Shut up!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - What now?
Right, ready! Look up at the skies! Look at this!
- Wally, when you're ready, go for it! - All right, Spud.
(Firework whistling)
- Oh! - Wow!
Yeah. (Chuckles)
(Silence)
Well, I'm not fuckin' made of money. That's your lot!
(Cheering)
(Knock on door)
What now?
I've got nothing left. (Sighs)
Who are you?
This is for you.
And this lot. Where do you want it?
Oh, anywhere.
Where's all this come from?
He said to say it's from Vic Damone.
DANNY: A proper couple, my mum and dad.
Married for 25 years now. 25 years!
Dad still never worries about a thing.
And, Mum, well, she tries her best to keep up.
♪ THE KINKS: Waterloo Sunset
Do you wanna find somewhere?
What, like? Do you mean?
It's a weddin' night, ain't it?
Yeah.
Hey, this'll do.
Oh, no.
FRED: Hello? Who's that? - (Whispers) Danny?
- Dad? It's me, Danny. - Yeah? What do you want?
Ah... I was just wondering where Mum is?
Yeah? Well, she's in here wi' me.
- Is she? - Yeah.
She can't come out.
She's helpin' me look for somethin'.
♪ SQUEEZE: Snap, Crackle And Pop
Ripped By mstoll